The cause of Tuesday's half-hour shipwide blackout has not yet been determined. Theories range from a minor phase fluctuation in environmental controls to an overload of the hand-held weapons charging unit. We have been able to confirm that all members of the ship's engineering and security departments are present and accounted for.
Communications would like to remind you that their analytical programs are fully capable of distinguishing between actual static interference and crude imitations of same. You are not fooling anyone.
Security's investigation into several reports of a non-corporeal life form wandering the halls in crew quarters last night was inconclusive. An inquiry into the disappearance of a bottle of contrast medium from the diagnostic lab is also ongoing.
A petition has been circulating of late with the aim of designating the mess hall as the "tidy room", in the hopes that this will encourage patrons to maintain order and cleanliness therein. In retaliation, apparently, a similar document proposes that sickbay be re-christened "happy health land". As of this moment, the latter appears to be winning, much to the perturbation of certain parties.
In response to a recent spate of misplaced objects, Security has instituted a lost-and-found box, which is located in the department office. Items can be retrieved at any time between 0800 and 1900 hours. As of now, our inventory includes a bottle of "Vulcanian blueberry juice" (hand-lettered label), two socks (one gray, one pink with a hole in the toe), and a paperback copy of The Prime Directive for Dummies (several passages underlined and annotated, most of the pages dog-eared). Please remember that this is a judgment-free zone; no snickering or name-calling.
Sickbay wishes to remind everyone that annual physicals will commence next week, in accordance with Starfleet regulations. We wish to emphasize this last part for those who have been known in the past to regularly find methods of avoiding or delaying same. Examples of unacceptable excuses include illness (really?), birthdays, being assigned to a landing party, and "because".
The personnel department respectfully wishes to remind all crewmembers that sudden changes in one's belief system must be logged in their database, along with other vital statistics. Of concern is the increasing trend among personnel of claiming allegiance to a people group whose holiday(s) happen to coincide with a training exercise or diplomatic excursion, only to disavow them immediately afterwards. We feel the need to stress this point, as the Adebian Hibernation Festival is almost upon us.
Recent inquiries made to our historical database and confirmed by our contacts at Memory Alpha have established once and for all that Zephram Cochrane's real name was not in fact "Stefan Corsevich", despite claims to the contrary. We understand that the forfeit to be paid by the claimant consists of a week's re-assignment to the gamma shift hydraulics team. Hopefully, this stint will afford him a modicum of humility.
In lieu of fielding questions personally, our first officer has asked us to assure you that Vulcan mind melds are only to be employed when extenuating circumstances warrant such measures. Determining whether someone is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship or the location of someone's secret stash of candy does not qualify.
Specimens in the botany lab are to be organized by environmental requirements, not which ones have the most pleasing aromas; personal preferences are not objective. We have been informed, for instance, that Andorians consider the scent of roses to be akin to that produced by Mephitis mephitis, aka the striped skunk.
In response to the disappearance of several engineering tools at our last port of call, mandatory baggage inspections have been instituted for all crewmembers departing the ship. Among the items absconded with include several power packs, two replacement prongs for a trident scanner, and the chief engineer's toothbrush.
The captain would like to congratulate our crew for their significant contributions to Starfleet's annual (re)design a uniform contest. Notable entries include the beach variant, dress uniform lederhosen, and tie-dyed engineering jumpsuits. The introduction of tear-away sleeves would seem to have the inside track, however.
Finally, after repeated requests from the beta shift maintenance team, the Jeffries tubes on deck seven have been cordoned off pending an investigation into alleged activities therein. They would like to remind you that there are several locations aboard ship more amenable to romantic rendezvouses, vocal exercises, and watching horror movies.
1)The redshirts dodged a bullet this time.
2) "Vulcanian blueberry juice" *snort* Someone should check under that "hand-lettered label". Also, care to guess who that book belongs to?
3) Kirk's famous for avoiding these, apparently.
4) Poor Pavel. Russia, Russia, Russia.
5) To facilitate vaccinations or allow Captain Kirk to turn any duty shirt into a muscle shirt? You decide.