This story was originally two chapters but I decided to combine them into one long chapter this time. Takes place right after "Chasing Demons" - season 19, episode 14, and contains a bit of sexual content. Jesse and Frannie don't exist in this story.
Amanda doesn't know what she's doing here.
It's two o'clock in the morning and she is pacing back and forth in the hallway of her lieutenant's apartment building, staring at the closed door of Olivia's home as she walks by for what is probably the twentieth time. She has her own key now, something that was given to her by Olivia after Noah's abduction and rescue, just in case of an emergency, and the gesture fully cementing the trust between them that has taken years to build. Not wanting to scare Olivia or her son by using it in the middle of the night, however, Amanda simply continues to pace across the worn carpet while wondering what to do next.
Due to the myriad of distressing events that have taken place over the course of the past several months, she knows how wary Olivia has become of someone knocking unexpectedly at her door and decides that calling or texting would be the preferable option right now. Amanda is painfully aware that she shouldn't even be thinking of bothering her boss in the wee hours of the morning, especially after such a stressful and complex case that had involved her ex-boyfriend, and chastises herself vehemently while pulling her cell phone from her coat pocket.
No amount of internal berating seems to be able to stop her from scrolling quickly through the long list of names on her screen and halting abruptly at the one she is searching for. Amanda's thumb poises uncertainly over the formal title of Lt. Olivia Benson before blowing out a harsh breath and typing in a hasty message.
"Hi Liv, are you awake?"
There is a brief pause as she gazes down at her phone, a mixture of guilt and hope and trepidation swirling through her stomach to create an overwhelmingly nauseating sensation, unsure of whether to feel relief or dread when there is a low buzzing sound that indicates an answering message.
"I am now. What's going on?"
Amanda finally brings her frantic pacing to a standstill outside of Olivia's door and hovers there in hesitation as her front teeth bite down on her bottom lip, shifting back and forth from one foot to the other and undecided on exactly how to respond.
"Amanda?"
With only the use of her first name and no accompanying words, she can practically feel her superior's concern and impatience emanating through the device held in her chilled hand, Amanda's brow creasing in a frown at causing Olivia yet more anxiety.
"Nothing's going on. I'm fine."
Her breath catches in her throat and lodges there as she awaits a return message, fully aware that Olivia will find this answer unacceptable and no doubt push for the real reason her detective is choosing to communicate with her at this odd hour of the night. Sure enough, Amanda's phone pings again only a few seconds later, completely unsurprised by the response that appears on the screen.
"Well, obviously you're not fine if you're texting me in the middle of the night and it doesn't have to do with a case. Where are you right now?"
Amanda resolves to be truthful with her colleague, making the decision to stay where she is instead of traversing back across town to her own apartment, because the courage she had been steadily building up throughout the evening is now wavering with the knowledge that she will soon be face to face with a woman she is having some very inappropriate feelings for.
"I'm standing outside your door."
This time there is no answering message and Amanda's heart rate speeds up as soon as she hears the footsteps padding toward her location, tucking her phone back into her pocket and scraping her fingernails along the rough material of her jeans in agitation. She listens as Olivia fumbles with the locks on the other side of the heavy barrier between them and her breath is catching in her throat once again when the older woman comes into view, her curvy figure leaning against the wooden door frame and her hair gathered into a messy bun, pajamas rumpled with sleep and eyes squinting with perplexity into the brightly lit hallway.
"What happened?" Olivia asks instantly as a hand comes up to rub over a slumber-reddened eyelid, the brunette's exhaustion quite evident and the guilt that has been simmering inside Amanda's chest only amplifying.
"Nothing happened," she assures her lieutenant in what she hopes will pass for a calm and measured tone of voice. "Everything is fine."
"Then what are you doing here, Amanda?" Olivia's blunt words are softened by the worried expression on her face and the tender hand that reaches out to grip her forearm, fingers squeezing with a gentle firmness.
"I just wanted to make sure..." Amanda trails off as she feels a deep red blush creeping up her neck to suffuse her pale cheeks with color, trying to ignore how good the other woman's touch feels. "I just wanted to make sure that you and I are okay."
"So it was necessary to make sure of this at two o'clock in the morning, then?" Olivia's voice holds a dry note when she speaks, a combination of amusement and concern in her tone instead of the expected anger and frustration, but Amanda finds herself unable to answer for a moment, the words stuck deeply inside her throat.
"Why wouldn't we be okay?" Olivia's head is tilted to the side as she keeps talking, fixing Amanda with those large dark eyes that seem to be boring straight into her soul and inducing a slight shiver that runs down her spine.
"You know why, Liv," she murmurs shamefully, unable to maintain eye contact with this woman who has inexplicably become her best friend over these past few months; the emotional trauma and intensity that Olivia has been made to endure in her personal life drawing them closer than ever before.
"Come in here, Amanda." Olivia's voice is both soft and commanding as she gives a tug on Amanda's arm, slender fingers still gripping the material of her winter jacket with a stern resolve. "Come inside so we can sit down and talk."
"I don't want to bother you," Amanda protests in reply, although she lets Olivia lead her into the apartment and over to the couch, the older woman pushing her gently down onto the cushions. "I should be letting you get some sleep."
"Well, it's a little late for that now, since you've already woken me up," Olivia chuckles wryly, Amanda feeling smooth fingertips brushing against her hand as the brunette sits down next to her. "God, Amanda, you're freezing!"
Her boss' voice has risen slightly with alarm, Amanda's blush becoming more pronounced when Olivia shifts closer to her on the sofa so their bodies are pressing lightly together. "Are you okay, honey? And answer me truthfully this time, please."
"I was just wandering around outside for a little while, smoking and walking while trying to clear my head," Amanda mutters quietly, scrubbing her palms across her face as the fatigue that had overtaken her after their crazy and stressful case seems to settle its full weight upon her bones now that she is safe and sound in Olivia's home.
"You're exhausted and freezing," Olivia replies softly, Amanda's eyelids fluttering briefly closed when she feels a hand smoothing through her long hair. "Just stay right there and I'll get you a blanket and make you a cup of tea."
Even though Olivia is the one who has just been ripped from a much-needed sleep, it is Amanda who is being fussed over as her boss helps her off with her jacket and tenderly tucks a blanket around her before striding into the kitchen to prepare them both steaming hot cups of tea. That lingering guilt is burning more brightly than ever at this gentle treatment from a woman who should not be showing her such kindness after the way Amanda had behaved in her office.
Deep down inside, she knows that she did what she had to do; that it was completely necessary to be as harsh as possible toward Olivia in that particular situation, as the older woman clearly wasn't thinking properly and the entire case was spiraling rapidly out of control. Despite that knowledge, Amanda can't seem to get Olivia's broken demeanor out of her mind; recalling how the other woman had sat at her desk with barely-contained tears hovering in her eyes and threatening to spill down her cheeks, Olivia looking so beaten down and just plain done with life.
The past several months have been some of the toughest circumstances that Amanda has ever witnessed her lieutenant embroiled in, both personally and professionally, and she has tried her best to weather the storms with Olivia, determined to keep the older woman's head above water every time it looks like she is going to sink beneath the waves. Everything that Olivia has been through has torn her heart to shreds and just endeared the brunette to her even more, Amanda's heart swelling with compassion and pride and something else she tries not to think about as she watches her boss fight as hard as she possibly can each and every single time she has to cross another heart-wrenching hurdle.
As time goes on and Olivia has been made to endure much more than any human being ever should, Amanda has become petrified for the brunette's state of mind, wondering what will be the final straw of Olivia's sanity and give her that ultimate push over the edge. In spite of Olivia's strength and dedication and that incredible will to keep pushing forward at all costs, Amanda can see the hairline cracks in the armor from time to time; the underlying stress and tension threatening to send her careening toward a complete collapse.
Even though she had forced Olivia to face the reality of the situation she was in with Cassidy, Amanda doesn't wish to contribute to the all-consuming emotional pain that has been wrapped around Olivia like a cloak for months now and only seems to pull more tightly with each new setback. She doesn't want to admit that intense jealously had also played a part in her motivation to assist Olivia; not at all eager to have Cassidy back in the older woman's life and causing her such a huge amount of distress, while at the same time trying to ignore the reasons for feeling the way she does.
The conflicting emotions that are balled up in a tight knot in Amanda's stomach only seem to expand as she sits there next to Olivia while they sip their tea, desperate to comfort the older woman in her time of need but still feeling that lingering anger at Olivia for putting her job in jeopardy to help her ex-boyfriend. There is definitely no love lost between Amanda and Cassidy, as she has never liked the older man and has found him to be incompetent and immature, and those disconcerting feelings of jealously are only making her dislike for him even worse than it already was.
"How's the tea?" Olivia asks in a quiet voice, breaking the somewhat awkward silence that has fallen over the living room, and Amanda figures the lieutenant is just engaging in some light small talk before the heavier part of the conversation begins.
"It's good," she replies absently, giving a small shrug as she doesn't really care how the tea tastes or that the hot beverage is finally putting some warmth back into her frozen body.
The only thing Amanda gives a damn about in this moment is repairing any part of their relationship that might have become fractured and possibly destroying the growing closeness she has enjoyed sharing with Olivia lately, her heart fluttering in her chest as she observes the older woman ducking underneath the blanket that is draped over Amanda's thighs. They are shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip on the couch now, cocooned together in the soft red material, and Amanda tries to suppress the urge to let her head drop down onto Olivia's shoulder, not wanting to admit that she is just as eager to receive comfort as she is to give it.
"Mom!"
A childish wail suddenly pierces the air before they can begin any kind of deeper discussion, Olivia immediately going rigid on the cushions beside her before plunking her cup down on the end table with an audible bang and leaping to her feet with barely-disguised panic contorting her features. Amanda straightens up on the couch, her heart clenching painfully as she watches the other woman rush into Noah's bedroom and listens to the soothing voice that is trembling with an underlying anxiety as Olivia attempts to calm her son.
The little boy is crying and has obviously been jolted awake by a nightmare, and while this is certainly not an uncommon occurrence during childhood, Amanda knows that Noah's bad dreams have taken on a whole new sinister meaning for Olivia now, and suspects that the older woman has been suffering through many night terrors of her own. Amanda's chin begins quivering with pent-up emotion as mother and son converse in the next room, devastated that Olivia's life has been turned upside down so many times that something as normal as a bad dream is now cause for so much stress and fear, and she leans over on the couch to place her cup of tea next to Olivia's, feeling like an intruder who doesn't belong.
Amanda hastily gets up from the sofa and retrieves her jacket, shrugging clumsily into the garment before creeping from the apartment and back out into the hallway, intending on sending Olivia another text as soon as she is safely in the elevator, to inform her that she has gone home. Despite her best efforts to suppress them, the tears that are welling up in Amanda's eyes come cascading down her cheeks in a waterfall as she stabs impatiently at the button on the wall, overcome with shame and regret at interrupting Olivia's night and likely causing her to worry even more.
She is not even sure of the exact reason for her tears as she hurries into the elevator with a sigh of relief when the doors finally slide open; she is just feeling overwhelmed in general with the events of the past several months, the deep and conflicting emotions that have come along with them, as well as a recent earth-shattering realization. Amanda's shoulders are shaking with the force of her quiet sobs as the doors begin to close, her head bowing down toward her chest and long blonde locks obscuring her crumpled expression, anxious to get home and bury herself beneath the covers of her bed.
"Oh!" Amanda shrieks in surprise as a hand suddenly appears between the doors that are nearly shut and latches onto her forearm with a strength that belies the exhaustion of its owner.
"Where do you think you're going?" Olivia's voice sounds confused and alarmed with a hint of hurt lacing her words, Amanda's eyebrows raising when the doors open fully again and she sees Noah perched on the taller woman's hip.
The little boy's cheeks are streaked with tears that match her own, his striped pajamas wrinkled and curly hair standing straight up, a crooked grin spreading across his face when they lock gazes. "Auntie 'Manda, Mom said you were here to have a sleepover with us tonight. But why are you crying? Did you have a bad dream too?"
Amanda doesn't quite know how to answer this innocent question and stands there like a deer caught in the headlights, aware that Olivia is observing her even more closely than Noah is, and willing her tears to come to a stop.
"I think Auntie Amanda is having a bit of a rough night too, sweetie, so why don't we all go back inside and get tucked into bed?" Olivia suggests lightly, Amanda feeling a thumb stroking gently against her arm as the other woman's dark gaze practically burns a hole right through her with the force of its intensity.
She returns to her boss' apartment with halting steps, shuffling along beside Olivia and Noah and giving the little boy a hug while uttering repeated promises that she will stay until morning to have pancakes for breakfast with them, before Olivia disappears into the master bedroom with her son held tightly in her arms.
"The only way he would go back to sleep was if I let him stay in my bed instead of his own," Olivia chuckles tiredly when she returns to the living room several minutes later. "I told him I would be in to join him soon, but that I needed to talk to you first. He's very concerned about why his Auntie Amanda was crying in the elevator and quite frankly, so am I."
Amanda is curled up into a ball in the middle of the couch with her back turned away from Olivia, her shoulders shaking again as she desperately tries to get ahold of her rapidly spiraling emotions. She feels the cushions dip down behind her with the added weight of another body, sucking in a sharp breath when strong arms slide around her midsection and she finds herself being pulled back against the curvy figure of her lieutenant, Olivia's chin resting on her shoulder.
"Tell me what's going on, honey," the older woman whispers into her ear, Amanda shivering in response as Olivia's hair brushes the heated skin of her cheek and she is surrounded by the soothing scent of vanilla. "If you're worried about what happened in my office, I promise you and I are okay. And I understand why you came here to confront Brian. Thank you for having my back."
Amanda goes stiff with shock in Olivia's embrace just as she has been about to melt against her comforting frame, completely taken aback by what the brunette has just said and her heart striking up an uneven rhythm inside her chest. Confronting Cassidy about his cowardly behavior and the way he had dragged Olivia into a mess of his own creation had been a spur-of-the-moment decision on Amanda's part, showing up at the older woman's apartment with that anger and jealously threatening to explode; the intense emotions only heightening as she and Cassidy had engaged in a very loud shouting match.
"I thought you would be angry," she murmurs under her breath, sinking deeper into the cushions as another tear drips down her cheek. "I wasn't going to tell you what I did. It was just supposed to be between Cassidy and I."
"He told me that you were the person who convinced him to turn himself in," Olivia explains softly, Amanda unable to turn around to meet the other woman's eyes while they talk. "I've had some time to think about everything that has happened and I'm not angry; not anymore." There is a slight pause, one that has Amanda tilting her head in curiosity. "I'm feeling a lot of other things, though."
"Like what?" she utters in a low tone, hope and dread coiled so tightly together inside of her that she can barely differentiate between the two.
"I'm feeling very grateful to have someone in my life who will protect me at all costs; who doesn't think twice about sticking up for me or letting me know when I need to get my act together," Olivia replies quietly, Amanda's hope quickly beginning to overtake the dread.
"I'm really surprised to hear you say that, Liv," she admits in astonishment, far too familiar with most of their discussions ending in an argument, despite how much closer they have become. "It definitely didn't used to be like this."
"Well, things have been changing a lot between us lately and we've gotten to know each other better," Olivia answers gently, Amanda feeling the older woman's grip tighten around her. "You've been there for me whenever I've needed you; you've shown me how much I can trust you. And now I want to be here for you. Whatever is going on, I want you to know that you can trust me too."
"I know that, Liv, thank you," Amanda says appreciatively, trying to keep herself from melting entirely into the enticing body of her boss. "I was worried that I had ruined things between us by coming down so hard on you. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship." It is a true testament to the late hour and the volatile mix of high stress and extreme emotions when she speaks her next words. "Because that's all I've ever wanted...a friendship with you."
"Really?" Olivia whispers behind her, a knowing tone in her voice that has Amanda frowning in confusion. "That's all you've ever wanted?"
"What do you mean?" she asks carefully, suddenly on high alert as she straightens up on the cushions and ready to make a break for the door again if this conversation starts to go south.
"Amanda, can you turn around and look at me, please?"
Amanda reluctantly does as she is told, shifting very slowly on the cushions until she is sitting there eye to eye with Olivia, choosing not to speak and waiting with trepidation for the older woman to keep talking.
"When I saw him last night, Brian mentioned something else besides your confrontation in my apartment," Olivia continues softly, her hand coming up to brush some errant strands of hair away from Amanda's forehead. "And it's something that I've been wondering about myself for the past little while."
"And what's that?" Amanda feels a stab of irritation slicing through the knot of other emotions, and struggles to hold in an exasperated sigh at the notion of Brian Cassidy gossiping about her behind her back.
"Whether or not you feel something for me that goes deeper than our friendship or our work relationship," Olivia murmurs gently, their eyes locked intently onto each other and Amanda schooling her features into a blank look.
"And Cassidy thinks I do?" she snorts in response, not daring to either confirm or deny Olivia's suspicion, and feeling that irritation rapidly escalating into anger. "After a conversation between us that only lasted about five minutes?"
"Apparently he picked up on something," Olivia says in a low tone, her hands raising slightly into the air as if in defense of her ex-boyfriend and those chocolate orbs boring steadily into her own blue ones. "And I'm not sure you would be in my living room in the middle of the night if there wasn't anything deeper going on here."
"I was worried about you, Liv," Amanda mutters in reply, her gaze falling away from Olivia's and training stubbornly on her lap while trying to ignore the sickening pounding of her heart. "You've been through a lot."
"Well, I'm worried about you too," Olivia says quietly, reaching out to squeeze Amanda's hand and lacing their fingers together. "I've never seen you so upset after an argument we've had. You usually just take it in stride and get on with things. It never seems to bother you that much."
"Actually, it's always bothered me, Olivia, but I can usually do a better job of hiding it," Amanda confesses with a shrug, picking at a loose thread on her jeans with fingertips that are noticeably trembling.
"It bothers me too." Olivia's own confession has Amanda's gaze swinging back up to meet her lieutenant's, her breath catching in her throat at the sheer depth of emotion she sees residing there. "I don't like fighting with you."
"I don't like it either." Amanda's voice is hushed when she speaks, and she can feel a thin layer of sweat coating the hand that Olivia is still grasping ahold of. "Especially now."
"Why now?"
"Because you've been through so much lately." Amanda is deliberately avoiding the topic of discussion that Olivia is dancing around, not wanting to let on just how deep her feelings go. "I don't want to add to your stress."
Olivia arches an eyebrow at her like she knows Amanda isn't being completely honest, but before either of them can utter another word, Noah is calling out for his mother again.
"We might have to continue this conversation after we get some sleep," Olivia says as she lets go of Amanda's hand and gets to her feet. "I'll go check on him and then make up a bed for you on the couch, but I don't think he's going to settle down until I'm in there with him for the rest of the night. When we get some more time alone, maybe you can tell me what's really going on."
Amanda rakes her hands back through her hair as she slumps there on the couch, whispering the words under her breath when Olivia has hurried from the room and she can hear her speaking soothingly to Noah, finally putting a voice to what she has been feeling for the past several months.
"What's really going on is that I've fallen head over heels in love with my boss."
Amanda tosses and turns on Olivia's couch, unable to sleep no matter how hard she tries.
A couple of hours have passed since she had just randomly decided to show up at her lieutenant's apartment in the middle of the night, and even though the morning sun will soon be making an appearance and she can't remember the last time she has had a proper sleep, her brain refuses to let her sink into the dark depths of unconsciousness. Amanda figures she'll be a complete wreck come dawn, as she has been surviving on such a minuscule amount of rest lately, but has far too much on her mind to drift off into dreamland and let all of her stress and worries melt away for the next few hours.
She recalls Olivia mentioning that Noah is quite an early riser and guesses the little boy will be joining her in the living room at some ungodly hour of the day, ready to watch cartoons or play with his toys or whatever it is that kids enjoy doing when they first awaken. With this knowledge firmly in mind, Amanda tries yet again to settle down, blowing out an exasperated breath and turning over roughly on the cushions when her efforts soon prove futile and she is left staring at the shadowy ceiling in utter exhaustion.
She can hear the occasional noises from Olivia and Noah in the older woman's room, both of them sharing the bed as they sleep and one or the other letting out soft sighs or slight whimpers from time to time, Amanda getting a firsthand look at how difficult the nights have been since the young child's abduction by his grandmother. She wonders if they will ever feel completely safe again; hoping the confusing and unpleasant memories will eventually fade for Noah, but knowing they never will for his mother and this is something Olivia will have to carry with her for the rest of her life.
Amanda scrubs her hands over her face, feeling the uncomfortable stiffness of her skin due to the previous tear tracks and squeezing her eyes shut at the extreme embarrassment that envelops her when she thinks about texting Olivia from the hallway at 2am and then trying to make a quick escape when she had changed her mind about being there. Her emotions are whirling in a furious tornado as thoughts of her recently discovered love for Olivia, along with her jealousy of Brian Cassidy and her worry over the mental states of both her friend and her son threaten to have her letting loose with a scream of fatigue and frustration, desperate for a break from these overwhelming troubles that are constantly plaguing her.
Amanda has tried to push down these disconcerting feelings for her boss right from the start, aware that the admiration and respect and friendship she feels toward Olivia have been slowly giving way to something much deeper over the past several months; but the more she tries to shove these feelings aside, the stronger they become. They have come so far since their early days of working together, when Amanda had been a new transfer from Atlanta and weighed down with so much emotional baggage and addiction issues that she didn't think she would ever be free of them, and Olivia was drowning in her own sea of problems as she tried to get over the sudden departure of her partner.
Their relationship has grown by leaps and bounds since the dark days of William Lewis and Charles Patton, evil men wreaking havoc in their lives during the height of Amanda's gambling addiction when Olivia's trust for her had disappeared entirely and it didn't look like it could ever be regained. Very slowly over the course of time, they had started to rebuild with one another, taking things step by step until the solidification of the lost trust between them had been complete and Amanda had begun thinking of Olivia as not only her co-worker but the best friend she's ever had; aware that those particular feelings, at least, are reciprocated.
She doesn't have a clue as to how Olivia feels for her beyond the point of a very close friendship; too terrified to probe any further and risk ruining what has taken so long to build, and cursing Brian Cassidy for mentioning the possibility of Amanda feeling something more. She had been utterly stunned when Olivia had brought that up in their earlier conversation, actually asking outright if she had feelings for her that go deeper than friendship, and Amanda refusing to answer; not knowing how to continue that topic of discussion with someone who is her superior.
Her scatter-brained thoughts are interrupted by a sudden tormented moan emanating from Olivia's bedroom, and she sits straight up on the couch, figuring Noah is having another nightmare and the older woman will be waking up momentarily to soothe him. It takes Amanda several seconds to realize that the sound isn't coming from the little boy but from his mother, Olivia's high-pitched begging and pleading instantly shattering her heart into a million pieces and causing her to spring up from the cushions to make a frantic dash from the living room.
Amanda practically trips over the pajama bottoms she had borrowed from Olivia for the remainder of the night, the cuffs of the flannel pants rolled up a couple of times at her ankles but still proving to be too long as they drag across the floor while she hurries into her friend's bedroom. Olivia is sitting up on the mattress, the covers pooled around her waist and rumpled dark hair coming loose from her bun, arms stretching out toward some unseen intruder as those heartbreaking sounds continue to emit from her parted lips.
Miraculously, Noah is somehow sleeping through all of this commotion, the little boy curled up on the other side of the bed and snoring softly with his face pushed into the pillow, Amanda stumbling toward her boss in the darkened room and intent on quieting her before he wakes up. Olivia doesn't appear to recognize her detective as she drops down to her knees beside the bed, gazing at Amanda with an anguished expression on her features and a wild look in her eyes, those teary brown orbs darting around the room like she is searching for someone.
"Please don't take him," Olivia whimpers as Amanda's hands close gently around her upper arms, trying to get the older woman to focus on her and realize what is going on. "He's just a child. He's all I have."
"Shhh, sweetheart, Noah is fine," Amanda soothes in a hushed voice as it fully registers what is happening with Olivia; that the brunette is locked into some kind of horrific nightmare involving her son's kidnapping. "Let's go out to the living room, okay? We don't want to wake him up while he's trying to sleep. Why don't you come sit on the couch with me?"
"But I need to keep him safe," Olivia whines in protest, Amanda watching as her gaze swings toward the small boy who lets out a slight snort like they are disturbing his slumber. "I have to stay with him."
"Noah is perfectly safe, I promise you that," Amanda assures her with whispered vehemence, her hands coming up to stroke Olivia's hair back from her perspiring face and her fingers gripping lightly onto the sides of her lieutenant's head to get her full attention. "We're just going to be right in the next room, okay? You can check on him as many times as you want, but we shouldn't wake him up. He's already had a rough enough night as it is. He needs his rest."
Amanda's words finally seem to penetrate the nightmare world that Olivia is stuck in, the older woman's hands grasping onto her forearms with an intense grip that is bordering on painful while Amanda continues holding onto her head, their gazes locked intently onto one another in the darkness. She feels Olivia give a slow nod in response and slowly loosens her hold, letting her palms slide over her shoulders and down her arms so she is clutching the other woman's clammy hands within her own and urging her to get out of the bed.
"Come on, honey, let's go out to the living room. Let Noah sleep." Amanda wraps her arms around Olivia's waist to steady her when the taller figure reaches out to let her fingers brush briefly through the unruly mop of curls on Noah's head, easing them both up to their feet and walking her boss with careful steps to the door of the bedroom.
"I let this happen to him. It's my fault she took him," Olivia murmurs in agony as Amanda leads her carefully over to the couch and turns on a lamp, the lieutenant pausing with bent knees as Amanda helps her sit down on the cushions, like she is about to jump up and race back to her son's side.
"It's no one's fault but Sheila's, and you got him back," Amanda soothes gently, as they sprawl ungracefully onto the sofa together, Olivia's fists clenched onto the front of her borrowed shirt with an astonishingly strong grip. "He's okay, Liv. He has the best mother in the world to look after him and protect him. He's very lucky to have you."
She will never forget the first time she had laid eyes on Noah as an infant; the tiny baby lying inside a dresser drawer in the motel room of child pornographers, and has felt a special connection to him ever since, growing to love him as much as she loves his mother and looking upon the little boy like the son she never had. Amanda knows it had been love at first sight for Olivia; that there is a powerful bond between mother and son that can never be broken, and she intends to comfort and hold the older woman for as long as she needs it, resolute in pushing her own issues to the side in favor of dealing with Olivia's instead.
Neither of them speak for the next few minutes as Amanda waits patiently for Olivia to fully awaken and get ahold of herself, very concerned that the brunette seems to be becoming more unraveled as time goes on, rather than beginning to heal and move forward. She wraps her arms around Olivia's ribs and pulls the taller woman flush against her side on the cushions, reaching down to retrieve the blanket that had fallen to the floor upon her hasty retreat from the living room and cocooning them both inside its fluffy warmth.
"I'm sorry, Amanda," Olivia finally murmurs, the lieutenant's head slumping heavily on her shoulder as they snuggle together. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this. The nightmares have been so bad lately, for both Noah and I."
"Please don't apologize, Liv," Amanda replies softly as she places a tender kiss on Olivia's temple and cuddles the other woman impossibly closer. "I'm sure I didn't help matters by barging in here in the middle of the night and giving you something else to worry about. I'm the one who should be sorry, not you."
Amanda secretly acknowledges how glad she now is that she decided to show up at her boss' apartment a couple of hours ago; changing her mind about the embarrassing situation and relieved that Olivia doesn't have to go through this torment alone and has another adult there with her.
"I'm happy you're here with me, Amanda," Olivia answers quietly, perfectly echoing the thoughts in her own head. "But I don't want to be falling apart when you're the one who needs someone right now. You've been there for me so much lately, and I want to be there for you too."
"I guess we're both kind of falling to pieces at the same time, huh?" Amanda mumbles with a humorless quirk of her lips, watching as Olivia raises her head from her shoulder to fix her with those big brown eyes that seem to penetrate straight into her soul.
They gaze at each other in silence for several seconds, Amanda reaching out to carefully wipe the remaining tears from Olivia's cheeks with the pad of her thumb and letting her fingers trail slowly back through the other woman's hair, moving the thick tresses away from Olivia's forehead. Her heart is still beating at a pace that seems far too quick to be considered normal, the intense speed having yet to calm down after her race into the bedroom to make sure Olivia was okay; and now that they are sitting pressed against each other on the couch, practically nose to nose as they stare so intently at one another, Amanda is quite sure that it won't be decreasing anytime soon.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" Olivia whispers with palpable concern, and this time it is Amanda's hair that is being stroked so gently away from her face, aware that the burning blush from earlier is taking up residence just beneath her skin again and infusing her pale cheeks with bright spots of color. "And please don't tell me how you don't want to add to my stress because I've been going through so much lately."
"Liv, I really don't think it's the best time to talk about this, though," Amanda mutters as that familiar shame simmers inside once again; glad that she can be here for Olivia in her time of need but regretful that her own problems seem to be taking precedence once again.
"Talk about what?" Olivia prods in a firmer tone of voice, the older woman gripping Amanda's hands tightly within her own and giving them a compassionate squeeze. "I mean it, okay? Let me be here for you like you've been here for me, Amanda. It broke my heart when Noah and I found you crying in the elevator earlier. You're not acting like yourself and I'm very worried."
Amanda blows out a nervous breath, her stomach fluttering uncomfortably and her heart feeling like it's about to burst right from her chest with the force it is now racing with, her mouth opening and Olivia nodding encouragingly for her to begin speaking. "Um, Cassidy..."
She trails off, unable to get the rest of the words out, and again cursing Brian Cassidy for not minding his own damn business and bringing up something so personal to Olivia when Amanda hadn't even been there to try and diffuse the situation or tell her side of things.
"What about him?" Olivia urges softly, a lump rising so swiftly inside of Amanda's throat that it is difficult to take a deep breath, the next sentence coming out in a trembling voice that is barely audible.
"He was right."
"Right about what?" Olivia is now staring very steadily at her without blinking as Amanda attempts to formulate an appropriate explanation, certain that her boss knows exactly what she is referring to but is choosing to ask the question anyway.
"About-" Amanda coughs roughly and clears her throat, swallowing hard around the lump that feels like it's growing to the point of cutting off any sound or air entirely, and steeling herself for the inevitable humiliation and rejection that is sure to follow right on the heels of her forthcoming confession. "About me having feelings for you that go beyond friendship."
"Alright." Olivia's voice is surprisingly calm after the long pause that follows in the wake of Amanda's revelation, and she blinks in shock at the unexpectedly placid demeanor of the woman snuggled up beside her. "It's okay, Amanda."
"Well, actually, no, it's not okay," she corrects doubtfully, quite certain that Olivia's apparent nonchalance with this subject won't be lasting much longer; not if she decides to put all her cards on the table and get everything out into the open.
"Why isn't it okay?" Olivia's face is so near to her own as the brunette continues with her gentle prodding that Amanda has now ceased to breathe, her gaze sweeping slowly down from the intensity of the other woman's stare and lingering on those soft, plump lips that look so inviting in the dim light of the living room
"Well, aside from the obvious...that you're my boss and I'm your subordinate...and I really don't want to put any more stress on you..." Amanda sighs harshly and scrubs her hands over her face, still having an immense amount of trouble articulating exactly what it is that she wants to say.
"Aside from the obvious..." Olivia prompts softly, a shiver running down Amanda's spine as the taller woman eases an arm around her shoulders and brings her body so close to her own that their lips are now hovering mere inches apart.
A tidal wave of tears suddenly spill from Amanda's eyes, the salty liquid making such a swift reappearance that she practically bursts into laughter in response; her emotions so up and down that she can't possibly keep up with their breakneck speed and the effort to do so leaves her nearly breathless once more. She is choking on a prolonged sob as she tries in vain to pull away from Olivia, the lieutenant's strong arms tightening around Amanda to hold her quivering body in place, and she finally collapses against the brunette's chest in an overwhelmed manner, hiding her face in Olivia's neck while she cries.
"I'm sorry, Liv," she pants in despair, clutching onto the sides of Olivia's wrinkled pajama shirt with fingers that won't stop shaking, simultaneously wanting to push the older woman away and cling to her like she intends on never letting go. "I'm sorry I haven't done a better job of controlling my feelings for you. I know it's wrong but I really didn't mean to fall in love with you-"
The rest of Amanda's confession is abruptly cut off as she feels Olivia's smooth hands grasping onto the sides of head and lifting her face away from her neck, their lips crashing together so quickly that the gesture leaves Amanda gasping with shock into Olivia's mouth. Their first kiss is sloppy and emotional and full of need, Amanda feeling another round of tears rushing down Olivia's cheeks as the droplets of water mingle in with her own, arms winding around backs and fingers tangling into hair as their breasts press together in a deliciously intimate fashion.
There is an air of desperation in the kiss, like they can't get enough of each other and are about to be ripped apart after waiting so long to take this gigantic step, Amanda still in a state of absolute shock that Olivia not only reciprocates her feelings but had been the one to initiate this passionate interaction between them, responding with a fervor that she has never felt with anyone else. Before she even realizes what she is doing, Amanda has pushed Olivia down onto the cushions and is straddling her hips, a soft moan from the older woman vibrating against her mouth as they continue to devour one another and her hands slide beneath Olivia's pajama shirt to dance across the warm, bare skin of her stomach.
She can feel the brunette's muscles clenching beneath her touch, a swath of goosebumps rising under her fingertips as she traces them sensually along Olivia's ribs, Amanda sliding her pajama-clad leg between two strong thighs and Olivia automatically grinding into her. The heat from her boss' core is evident right away, even through both layers of their flannel bottoms, and Amanda's panties are pasting themselves to her skin as she feels an immediate flood of wetness at the juncture of her thighs.
She is acutely aware that the two of them are still shedding tears as they kiss so frantically on the couch, all of the pent-up emotions from the past several months rising to the surface and exploding so swiftly that Amanda can barely get a handle on everything that is happening. Knowing full well that Noah might awaken at any moment from another nightmare, looking for his mother and calling out for her in fear or even deciding to leave Olivia's bed and come join them in the living room, finally has Amanda pulling back and gazing lovingly down at the woman beneath her.
Olivia is staring right back at her, the generous swell of her chest heaving with every breath she takes and her face awash in tears, Amanda's hand drifting to the brunette's wet skin to wipe them away once again, before doing the same to herself as she drags an arm across her damp face. Her eyelashes are glued together with the remnants of her own tears and her entire body feels like it's on fire as she struggles to come down from this sudden magnificent high, terrified of what will happen when Olivia begins to see reason.
"Wow, we're quite a pair, aren't we?" she chuckles weakly as she reluctantly slides off of Olivia's curvy body to sit back down onto the cushions beside her, trying to catch her breath as the older woman does the same. "Both of us bawling our eyes out while we kiss for the first time. Not exactly something that a couple of badass cops such as ourselves usually do, huh? I guess the last several months have taken quite a toll on us."
Olivia laughs quietly in return as she shifts into a sitting position next to Amanda and they perch there shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh on the soft cushions, the older woman's hand seeking her own and Amanda obliging right away by tangling their fingers together and giving a tender squeeze. Olivia squeezes back and Amanda's heart flutters pleasantly when the lieutenant leans her head down on her shoulder, silky dark hair tickling her nose and the faint scent of vanilla surrounding them.
"Amanda, what you said before about falling in love with me-" Olivia cuts herself off as Amanda instantly stiffens beside her, the other woman's fingers tightening around her own like she is intent on holding her in place so she doesn't try to escape again. "You don't need to apologize for that," her boss continues gently. "It's not something that you can control. You can't help who you fall in love with."
"But I tried to control it," Amanda mumbles in a somewhat shamed tone, her chest aching with the knowledge that while Olivia obviously reciprocates her feelings in terms of a physical attraction and a strong friendship, it likely doesn't go much deeper than that, and steels herself for the devastating rejection that is sure to come.
"I've tried so hard but I can't make it stop. I've never loved anyone like I love you, Liv. It's all I can think about; how much you mean to me and how much Noah means as well." Amanda knows that she needs to stop talking; that if Olivia is about to reject her, it's better if it happens sooner rather than later, but she can't seem to put a halt to the words that have been bottled up inside for so long and are determined to coming spewing out at last. "When Cassidy came back into your life, I don't think I've ever been that jealous before. I thought I was going to go crazy while he was here."
"Yes, I noticed," Olivia replies dryly, a trace of amusement evident in her tone before she turns serious again. "I know I've been wrapped up in my own drama for quite awhile now, but that doesn't mean I haven't recognized the gradual change that has been taking place between us; the shifting of certain feelings."
There is a hint of hope bubbling inside of Amanda now, wondering if perhaps she is mistaken about the way the rest of this night is going to play out and maybe there is something deeper that Olivia feels beneath the lust and desire that had so swiftly consumed them. "So what are you saying, Liv?" she asks very softly, trying to keep the vulnerability and longing from her voice but knowing she has failed when Olivia's head lifts up from her shoulder and that soulful gaze is boring into her own once more.
"I'm saying that I feel the same way," Olivia says gently, a slow smile stretching across her face even as the tears start welling in her eyes again. "I'm in love with you, Amanda, and I have been for quite some time now."
Amanda is struck utterly speechless at this announcement, her eyes widening slightly and her jaw falling open, at a loss for words as it fully sinks in that her boss and best friend is in love with her; panic suddenly stabbing through the elation as it dawns on her yet again just what this means for the future. "Liv, it doesn't matter how we feel about each other," she murmurs in heartbroken reply, watching Olivia's eyebrows draw together in a concerned frown. "You're my lieutenant and I'm your detective. I'm all for breaking some rules here and there, as I'm sure you know by now, but not if it means you might lose your job."
"Amanda, I want you to listen to me," Olivia answers with quiet vehemence, the older woman's hand raising in the air to stroke along a prominent cheekbone. "One thing that I've come to realize during all of the chaos and heartache of the past several months is just how precious and fleeting life is; that you can't waste a single second of it and you have do what makes you happy. Everything can be turned upside down in an instant and we never know what's going to happen next. Sometimes we just have to take that leap of faith."
"But you've worked so hard to get to where you are now," Amanda argues in return, although there is not a lot of strength left in her voice at this point, and all she wants to do is sink back into Olivia's comforting embrace and kiss her again. "I don't want to ruin anything for you."
"You've worked very hard too, honey, and you're not going to ruin anything," Olivia assures her softly, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed as the other woman presses a light kiss to her forehead. "There are ways to make it work between us. We'll figure something out once we've had time to process this a little more."
Amanda is trembling with a mixture of exhaustion and yearning as she wraps an arm around Olivia's waist and places a quick kiss on her cheek, torn between laying her head on the brunette's shoulder and falling into a deep sleep, and throwing Olivia back down onto the cushions so they can pick up right where they had left off. She is both giddy and terrified when she dares to think of the future they could possibly have together, knowing there will most likely be some major changes to come, but anything that happens will be more than worth it if she can spend the rest of her life with this extraordinary woman who has her whole heart.
"I love you so much, Liv," Amanda breathes fiercely, immensely relieved to actually be able to say the words and ecstatic that Olivia feels exactly the same, snuggling closer to her on the couch as the darkness of the night slowly gives way to a promising new dawn.