Eliza's POV
Floating in the vast empty space she found silence. The only voice being her own, her only company was her own thoughts…
It was peaceful…
Too peaceful…
There was nothing to look at other than the black and white air circling around her…
There were no other signs of life…
How could there be?
This was death…
Is there no other life beyond?
Was there sanctuary from the real world?
Was there really no afterlife?
Was this everlasting peace?
…Solitude…
…Emptiness…
…Silence…
There's no people…
There's no color…
There is no music…
How can this be what awaits people when they die?
How is this what anyone would deserve after the hardships of life?
Was this a punishment?
It certainly didn't feel like a reward.
It was lonely…
Unbearable…
Boring…
Maddening…
Eliza missed the joys of life…
The sun and the moon…
The rivers and stars…
The mud and the trees…
The long days and short days…
Time that could be spent making memories with those around her…
More smiles and laughter…
More joy and tears…
The voices…
The people…
Even the chaos among them…
The thrill of a fight by their side…
The power of their hearts…
The thoughts in their minds…
The world they can create with their presence…
The look in their eyes…
Even if they held hate or scorn, she missed them all…
The good… and the bad…
She even missed the darkness within her…
At least there was something to do…
Some kind of purpose…
Something that gives meaning…
Something worth fighting for…
Something worth living for…
In death… there is no reason for any of it…
There's no reason for worry…
No reason for hope…
No reason for joy or sadness…
No reason for love or hate…
…No reason for anything…
It was terrible…
She wouldn't wish this upon those she loves…
Eliza would never want for them to be banished to this…
…A prison…
At least it was to her…
She wouldn't wish this on her friends…
She wouldn't wish this on anyone…
At first, she thought dying was the biggest adventure…
No…
The biggest adventure was finding the reason to live…
The reason for enduring every day…
The reason for being alive…
To see the beauty of the world…
To enjoy the color and light…
To touch every kind of land…
To feel all the wonder of the earth beneath her feet…
To cherish the mighty sun on her skin and the gentleness of a breeze…
To hear life in a song…
To listen to every melody that hums through the air…
To understand every emotion…
Even to endure all the pain and suffering to survive…
Every second is precious…
Every minute is a new opportunity…
Every hour is a delight or doom…
Every day is the grandest adventure…
The reason for living in a world full of cruelty, chaos, uncertainty, and hatred…
The purpose for wanting to live another day…
Her reason for everything…
…Love…
It's beautiful and unlike anything in any world…
It's powerful… perhaps the greatest power in the universe…
At least to her…
There is much to treasure in a universe filled with love…
There is laughter…
Everlasting joy in just the simplest of things…
Endless passion and inspiration…
True wonders to behold in even creation…
Words to write or say…
The kind of magic held within a voice itself…
To share the feelings from the heart…
Or else it tears that person apart…
Any act can give the greatest of gifts…
It can even be small… but monumental…
Shoulder to cry on when sad…
Till the sadness is gone…
A hand to hold when frightened…
Till the fear has passed…
A hug to embrace the loneliness and take it away…
To be held until there is no reason to feel alone anymore…
Even when surrounded by endless possibilities and the darkness that resides within everything…
There is still hope…
There is still beauty…
Still… meaning… even in the shadows…
…A light in the darkest of places…
That only needs the chance to grow…
To light the way…
To become something incredible…
Whether by creation… or destruction…
Sometimes there is no good or evil…
We all have a little darkness…
Even in the eyes of the evil, they think they are good…
People that think they are good can still do evil things…
Their actions are based on their morals and values…
They have a reason for fighting…
A reason for living…
Some are small and a lot are big…
But they weren't born evil…
They were created to be what other people wanted…
What others did to them…
And what others did before them…
The pain of one… can spread to everyone….
It spreads like a forest fire... It buries deep like a disease...
Passing on the fear and hatred to someone else…
People don't trust or believe unless guided by others…
They don't know what to think unless knowledge is bestowed upon them.
They don't understand how to feel without being taught how to feel it…
They don't speak, read, or write things without being given that gift…
Darkness cannot exist within the light, but darkness can thrive inside the soul…
Once it takes root it's hard to escape from, but easy to give to another…
It can be spread by an act, a word, or even a touch…
Evil isn't born, it is created…
Destructed and recrafted into something different…
But… If given the chance….
If taught how to… if they were believed in…
If given love instead of hate…
There would be a world that people could feel safe in…
In the end, this shadow is but a small and passing thing. There is light in high beauty, forever beyond its reach. Find the light and the shadow will not find you.
Sometimes someone needs to be shown the light…
It's hard to see if only given darkness…
To be more… if blinded by grief and anger…
To do more… If driven by fear and hatred…
…If given a chance… the world can be beautiful…
People can be beautiful…
If they learn to blossom in the light instead of withering away in the dark…
Astarion could be beautiful…
He already is…
He just needs a hand to guide him…
A heart to show him…
A mind to understand him…
A soul to protect him…
And he could be more…
They all could be…
If given the chance to be loved…
He can learn how to love…
But she almost destroyed that chance…
She could have lost him forever…
He didn't even bat an eye…
He disobeyed her order so she could live with the consequences… He was prepared to die instead…
Why would he do that?
Why doesn't he listen when she tells him to do something?
What if he dies because of her…
Because he doesn't listen…
It was her fault after all…
If she hadn't been a fool none of this would have happened…
She really was a danger to him…
Her own hands terrified her…
She was a deadly weapon…
That did not wish to be used…
A monster…
That was created by someone else's hands…
By who…?
Will she ever know?
Did she need to know?
She could fight her darkness for the remainder of her life…
She can be free…
Or remain in this prison…
But the real question was…
Did she deserve to live?
Did she deserve freedom?
Did she deserve the life she was given?
…Did she deserve… them?…
Her greatest treasures…
What did she do to deserve their kindness and respect?
What about their loyalty and valor?
Was she worthy of more chances?
Worthy of their company?
Worthy of loving them?
…When her darkness seeks their deaths…
Why did she want to save them and kill them at the same time?
No one is completely good or completely evil… but something inside her forces that question to repeat itself over and over in her head.
Was she truly good… or truly evil?
She didn't even know…
How could she?
There is no guidebook or someone who understands…
Only her broken memories, twisted mind, and a withering heart…
A healing soul… lost in the darkness…
In need of that guiding light…
But then… suddenly she felt it…
She saw it too…
A light…
Two silhouettes… one that was on the ground in a faded whisper.
The other was vibrantly glowing sitting on the ground and watching over the whisper…
There wasn't enough detail to know who they were…
Until the brighter ghost leans down to the other's face…
Suddenly she felt it…
Like a gust of air or a whisper of a presence…
A small touch of something came on her cheek…
If filled her with warmth…
It gave her hope…
But… It also gave her fear…
Only one could make her feel like this…
Even in the afterlife…
Why would he-
Then a whisper came… one that was faint but she heard every word…
…Only confirming… that it was him…
The sincerity in his voice shook the fabric of her universe…
Astarion: "What did I ever do… to deserve someone like you?"
He… He's wrong…
She's nothing in comparison to him…
Just witnessing how brightly he shines was beyond comparison to any other beauty…
Almost like the beautiful white glow of a star…
How could anyone see anything less?…
What did she do to deserve him?
She can't even see why she deserved those words… or… uh…
…that…
Her hand touches her cheek instinctively and she somehow still feels shivers in the afterlife…
He didn't hesitate after that, he began to search the whisper - her body…
Then he pulled out something that was glowing bright blue.
She was being given another chance, this time she couldn't mess it up…
She had to protect him, to protect his heart and to keep it safe.
…She had to protect her little star…
The only way she knew how…
Was to keep her distance… for now at least…
Maybe someday they could be closer….
As light around her grew more and more, Eliza recognized this feeling as the light swarmed her vision… blinding her…
Her soul gets ripped out of that plane and is forced back into her body…
Her dry eyes blinked and a breath shot into her cleared lungs…
Her wounds weren't fully healed but the pain was tolerable.
She got back up with a bit of a startling sight.
Her eyes fall deep into his ruby eyes…
That was still fresh with tears…
Was he… was he crying?!…
That knowledge was unsettling…
The relief on his face was baffling…
It terrified her…
She didn't want to take it away…
But she had to…
She had to do it…
After everything…
She could have doomed him…
She could have killed them all and would have been the Hag's 'guard dog' till some person finally ended her life.
Which could have been never…
Eliza needed to give him a break, she was pushing him too hard…
He hasn't had an off day yet…
He must not have his head straight…
Neither did she…
When he was looking at her like that…
Eliza quickly grabbed her focus and gave it to him gently…
But he didn't take it very well…
His eyebrows furrowed and his voice grew angry.
Astarion: "What do you mean 'wait at camp'?"
His response shocked her at first... but...
She had to tell him…
He had to listen…
She's just trying to do what's best for him…
Even if he doesn't see it…
Eliza: "I need you to go back to camp and get Leazel to come here."
For some reason, he looked angrier…
Astarion: "That's it?! I bring you back to life and there's not even a 'thank you.' Just - go trade yourself in for the gith - is that all?"
He... He was right...
She didn't thank him…
She should have done it immediately…
He's been there for her a lot…
He brought her back and he saved her once again…
But… he was so close to a path she could never come back from…
If losing control with her inner demon was anything like that, it could be worse next time. Having him close by in her state of mind would be a catastrophe…
Especially with these overwhelming emotions, she will be distracted by his stunning beauty…
Eliza: "T-Thank you Astarion… I appreciate you for everything you have done for me…"
His frustration was temporarily put on hold as he looked at her with hesitation, until she opened her mouth again and the fury returned.
Eliza: "But I cannot let you continue. I realize that I've been pushing you too hard, it's best if you go get some rest. To clear your head and stay out of danger for a little while."
Eliza reached for her violin and used her magic to heal his ankle. The wound was gone but he still didn't change his sour look…
He was quiet for a moment and his eyes still burned with a great fire. Then his voice came with a retort.
Astarion: "No, I will not."
Her eyes widened at his defiance…
What has gotten into him?
This wasn't normal… was it?…
No… this was impossible…
For some reason his attitude started to bring out a little anger in her…
Eliza: "Why do you insist on being so stubborn? Everything I tell you to do gets ignored, I thought I was your leader! What has gotten into you? Do my words mean so little? Do you not believe I'm trying to do what's right?"
The elf's eyes widened for a moment, with a look unrecognizable… but then it disappeared. The anger continued to boil over as he got to his feet and stared down at her on the ground. Pointing at her or at himself with emphasis and fury.
Astarion: "No… What has gotten into you? Do my words mean so little? Do you really not think I can choose what is right? You wanted me to think… and to feel… Well, do you want to know what I think? I think you are an idiot!…"
Eliza's eyes widened at the rogue, she didn't move an inch as the words burned deep within her…
Astarion: "You are blind. You refuse to see what is right in front of you, and it's clouding your judgment. You keep thinking you're right, but you're wrong! You don't need to die! You don't need to push people away! You don't need to torture yourself!… You need to live! You need to trust! You need me here!"
He was furious at her, but why?
Where is this anger coming from?
Why was he saying such things?
Why was she expecting him to calmly reply with a bit of surprise and disappointment…?
Not with anger… not with words that cut deep…
Why is he fighting with her?
Why was she getting angry too?
Maybe she held it in for too long…
Now it finally explodes…
She got to her feet, and looked him dead in the eyes…
Her voice was loud and clear.
Eliza: "You almost weren't here!… The only judgment I see that is clouded - is your's. You could have died because of me and you would have let it happen! What is wrong with you Astarion? Your life comes first! You are supposed to protect yourself! You should never have done what you just did!… You didn't listen to me and you aren't listening now. How can I keep you safe if you won't trust me and my intentions?! How can I save you if you keep risking your life for me? I'm not worth it!"
He doesn't hesitate as his anger explodes as well…
Astarion: "I do trust you! That's the damn problem! How could I not? You are the only good thing about this terrible world! Do you think I choose to disobey you? I have no choice - you do this to me! I can't even listen to my own head! You keep asking me to do things that are wrong to me! You keep telling me you're useless, replaceable, and expendable; when I think it's the opposite! You keep demanding me to do things that torture me! I keep risking my life even against my own will at times and I don't even get appreciated for it! I can't bear the slightest thought of being myself anymore - thanks to you!"
He steps closer and his rage still burns bright.
Astarion: "How could you command such a thing of me?! How could you tell me to do any of it?! How could you tell me to just leave you and never look back?! How dare YOU command me to kill my ONLY friend?! How DARE YOU force me to suffer with your death on my hands - AGAIN?! You can't see what you're doing to me and I can't stand it any longer!…"
He gets even closer with his rage, he was now three feet in front of her…
Astarion: "You keep forcing me to stay away when all I want is to be close to you! You keep pushing me away and it's driving me completely insane! All I want is to keep YOU safe! I want to keep you alive and you won't let me! You are worth it, Elizabeth!"
He took another step closer…
..two feet…
His hands grip her arms and his scorned face turns softer…
His whisper was a shockwave that gave her a wild head rush beyond comprehension…
Astarion: "You are worth everything to me…"
…One…
He can't take any more steps…
Their breaths are mixing together and their faces are inches apart…
He's doing it again…
That look…
That passion…
That inspiration…
His desire…
…
…It was killing her…
She wanted to give in so badly…
She wanted this more than anything…
Eliza wanted to hear more…
But… she shouldn't encourage it…
…She shouldn't let him get too close…
…she was afraid…
…She was scared of him getting hurt… or worse…
…but… if pushing away was hurting him…
…This tore her apart even more…
…She never wanted to hurt him…
In the end, she was doing it the entire time…
And she was about to do it again…
…His life was endangered by her own…
She didn't want to know what it was like to suffer with his death on her hands…
Maybe she was selfish…
Or was this selfless?…
Either way… It didn't feel good… not at all….
She couldn't look him in the eyes anymore as she stared at the ground.
Her hands push him away once again…
Her body felt empty and cold without his touch…
Her voice did what she had to do…
Her words came low but direct…
Eliza: "You can stay… but please… don't touch me without my permission… If you see an opportunity to save yourself, take it, or I won't let you leave camp ever again."
She turns away, unable to face him or else she will burst into tears…
She will crumble to the ground, forget about her fears, and let him whisk her away if he wanted to…
…But…
In the end… she was a darkness…
Not a light…
She needed to be strong… for him…
Once she discovered how to control herself…
Until Eliza finally sees the light within her that everyone else sees…
He was better off keeping that distance…
His words were earth shattering…
His touches were intoxicating, if he kept doing it she might give in…
He needed to understand that she didn't hate him…
In fact the opposite…
She was completely, utterly, and madly in love with him…
But as much as she wanted him…
Some things are worth the sacrifice…
He will understand one day…
Just not today…
She might seem like she was doing okay…
However, Eliza felt like her entire world was collapsing beneath her feet…
She knew it wasn't the world, it was just her...
but she put on a brave face...
She had to focus…
She had to keep everything under control…
To hone her rage and focus it on something bigger…
The death of that HAG!!!
Astarion's POV
He couldn't take it…
The words just kept coming…
The rage kept rising…
The anger in his voice kept getting louder…
Astarion just couldn't take it any longer.
Keeping it inside was tearing him apart…
He had to tell her…
He did…
He looked deep into her eyes and he told her more than the truth…
He spilled himself out in front of her…
And he didn't care anymore…
He was tired of her choice in blindness…
He would drive himself mad at camp…
Pacing back and forth, worrying about her constantly…
How could he trust the others to keep her safe when she can't even be safe from herself?…
What if they all die and they can't bring her back?
What if they all never come back?
He couldn't live in a world where there wasn't a talented bard, a deadly woman, and a gentle heart..
All rolled into one…
He couldn't live in a world without her…
She was exactly as he said…
Everything he could ever want or need…
Everything that he craves…
Everything that he likes…
Everything… to him…
and yet… she did it again…
She pushed him away…
And she said words that actually hurt him for once…
…Banned from touching…
Commanded to choose himself above her, or else he was banished to remain in camp…
He didn't know which one was worse…
Until she turned away without another word…
That hurt the most...
He was honest…
More honest than he has ever been to anyone…
And he got immediately rejected…
This woman was going to be the death of him…
Somehow or someway…
He knew…
And yet he didn't care…
He didn't fear death...
Even when he looked it in the eyes and didn't feel afraid...
He just wanted to grab her and pull her back in…
He wanted to force her to see what she was doing to him…
If she was going to force these emotions onto him without returning them, then why does he feel them?!
Why doesn't she?!
Why does it hurt?!
How was it so easy for her to walk away?!
What is her motivation to build this wall between them?!
…It was tearing him apart…
…He's never been more engaged in all his life…
…Never been this hurt before…
…Never this breathless…
…It felt like his dead heart died again…
…It was suffocating…
Does she not realize how he feels?!
He told her what he thought… but not how he felt…
He called her a friend…
Which was true, she was the only person that had ever been there for him…
She was worthy of such a title…
But then…
Why was he unsatisfied with that word?
Why crave for more than friendship?
Why desire more of her?
What is happening to him?
What did she do to make him act in such a way?
What would he tell someone to find that answer?
How could he?
When everyone else thinks he's just heartless…
He would believe it too…
If the ache in his chest wasn't so profound…
What if this was for the best?
Even if it hurts…
What if she was doing what she thinks is right?
She could be protecting him…
What if she was protecting him from herself?
Then maybe it is for the best…
If he keeps his distance, it may be safer.
But how could he?
He spoke the truth…
He wanted to be close to her…
He wanted to touch her…
He wants her…
But she was forbidden…
And that makes him want what he can't have…
…It makes him crave her even more…
His eyes linger on her frame as she made sure the other two were okay…
He felt the hot eyes of the fiery tiefling…
But ignored them as he watched the bard mindlessly.
Her aura was darker than before…
She wasn't sweet or spicy…
She wasn't happy…
From the way she held herself and from the way she talked - he could see everything…
Elizabeth seemed sad… afraid… hurt…
Was she torturing herself even still?
She didn't mean to do any of those things, and yet she still blames herself. He was sure that if she never would have touched that mask, none of that would have happened…
But maybe it needed to…
He saw the strength she wielded, and the things she would do... just for him...
He finally realized just how important she was…
Not only to the world, but to him…
But he had to lock it away…
Bottle it in a jar…
At least he had an empty one already…
His hands instinctively reached in his bag and pulled out the empty bottle…
His thumb rubs against the cool glass…
Its purpose was unclear but now it became a reminder…
It was best to bottle it up and let it go…
But he couldn't…
He kept it still…
Astarion put it back in his bag and tried his best to keep the rest behind that cork and glass…
To keep his eyes on the hunt, on her next target…
His target too…
He was going to make that Hag pay for making her suffer…
For causing his own suffering as well…
Down with the ugly wicked creature!
It's death can't come soon enough…
He tried to focus on what was ahead, he really did.
But Astarion could let it go…
He couldn't stop watching over her…
She became his every breath, his every step, and his every sight…
Elizabeth was still bright… even if she didn't see it…
Once they were all healed up and ready to go, she led ahead.
She told them to sneak quietly one by one, make it through the waterfall, and not get caught under any circumstances.
The bard went ahead and disappeared around the corner. After a few moments the warlock was next to go and followed her same pattern…
Which left the tiefling and him alone long enough for her to whisper…
Karlach: "Do you have a crush on the bard?"
The shock almost made him shout out.
Astarion: "Wha-"
The teifling quickly shushed him and he had a chance to calm down…
He must have misheard her as he asks again a lot quieter…
Astarion: "What?"
The playful smile slowly grew on the Barbarian's face…
Karlach: "Do you have the hots for our leader, little vamp?"
His eyes widened, his eyebrows furrowed, and he felt his face feel warm all of a sudden…
He couldn't even look the tiefling in the eye…
Apparently the silence was enough for an answer…
He could hear the excitement in her whisper…
Karlach: "Oh. My. Gods. You like her, don't you? You like her a lot! Hehehe… I knew it."
He finally found a reason to glare as he bore his eyes into the tiefling and he grew serious only to be interrupted.
Astarion: "If you breathe a word-"
Karlach: "Your secret is safe with me, little vamp."
The barbarian said nothing more and wore a big smile on her face as she snuck ahead.
He was left alone with that to reflect on…
How did she see it?
Was it obvious?
And why does she keep calling him that?!
The rogue couldn't think about this now, he needed to focus and had to get across without getting spotted…
Should be easy…
…Just one foot after the other…
He got through without getting spotted by the enemy…
Who were also people wearing masks?
Were they avoiding them to save them?
Understandable, this life was against their will after all…
Elizabeth didn't want to hurt them…
Only one person deserves to be punished…
And it was just past this waterfall… He hoped…
He could see the pink glow from behind the flowing water and instantly felt relief.
The elf jumped through the wet wave of pressure trying to bring him down, but luckily his foot touched the other side. Now with all of them drenched and standing tall, the bard led them onward.
They look down at the green poisonous fog on the path going down the slope. Luckily the bard was quick to cast feather fall.
Her violin brings a sweet warmth despite its sad melody…
Once they make an unbounding leap that should have killed them. They land gracefully on the ground safe and left untouched by the poisonous gas.
She made sure everyone had a scroll in their hand and an extra healing potion.
…She was the only one without either of them…
Her burns were managed but not fully healed…
She was so focused on everyone else she completely forgets herself…
He hated that…
Because it made him hate her less and less…
She was so selfless…
When he called her selfish…
Everything she does…
It's for them…
Even if she doesn't look him in the eye or say a word when handing him a scroll and a potion…
She still cared about his well being…
She was giving herself away…
She was keeping herself hidden from the world…
She felt like a burden again… didn't she…
His hand almost reached out to grab hers…
But then… her previous words stopped him…
'but please… don't touch me without permission…'
He froze…
Immediately he shunned himself from the act…
This is what he gets for saving her life…
This pain…
Why…?
Was this a punishment?
It certainly didn't feel like a reward…
This was awful…
He stared down at the objects in his hands…
He hated the very idea of their only interactions being like this…
He wanted her to smile again…
…Why was it so dark and cold all of a sudden?…
Deep inside… he felt… empty…
More than he ever had before…
Like there was a space waiting to be filled…
…A space she made…
…Waiting to be whole…
Then suddenly, the air did feel rather cold. They were heading into the Hag's layer. The pregnant woman was in a cage made of vines dangling above the deep chasm below…
The bard told the warlock and the tiefling to sneak down the other side of the path and wait by the wooden door.
Even if she didn't say it…
She was already brewing a plan…
She sneaked their way down the opposite side of the path. The stupid girl in the cage told them to leave her there, alerting the creature of their position. Suddenly, the Hag pops out in front of them and growls angrily.
Auntie Ethel: "You want the girl so bad? Fine. Have her roasted!"
The cage gets lit ablaze and the Hag calls the masks they passed to her aid. With a green glow, they were surrounded.
They should have killed them or at least knocked them out…
It's too late to second guess now…
The bard told them not to kill the masked people… making this a harder fight…
But… he didn't even get to fight very long…
One minute he was standing there ready to kill a Hag, the next he got shoved by a pair of hands…
His feet left the ground and he felt the air brush past him…
He never met the ground…
He just kept falling…
Down the chasm…
His last view was looking up at the bard in her agony…
His eyes widened as he heard her pleading cry…
As he watches her hand reach out for him at the ledge only to be too late…
The last word he heard was his own name…
"Astarion!!!"
His life flashed before his eyes this time…
And he hated it…
The tears left his eyes before he closed them.
With a thud… the world went black…
His eyes shoot open as he is surrounded by darkness and light…
Black and white…
No color…
No other signs of life…
There is… Nothing…
It was… peaceful…
No expectations or need to power…
It was calm and safe…
No more pain or hunger…
No need to hunt or survive anymore…
Although…
If the deathly plane was furnished with a fireplace and had an unlimited access to wine…
It would be more tolerable…
But there was nothing…
Now he was alone and he didn't have to worry about anything anymore…
But then…
What was the meaning of life if this was what comes next?
How could this be what awaits people when they die?
It was a drag…
There was nothing to do…
Nothing to see…
No one to talk to…
No one to listen to…
This should have been what he wanted…
To be alone and free from everything…
He should be content… but he wasn't…
He suddenly began to miss everything about life…
Especially, from the fond memories that come to him from the last couple of days…
A shout in the distance wakes Astarion from his slumber.
His eyes shoot open in shock and he gets immediately blinded by the sun.
She screams and howls in fear…
Trying to cover himself from the light…
Only to realize… it didn't burn…
The sun felt warm and gentle…
He was bewildered by the fact as he sat up and looked down at his hands…
There was still nothing, he was bathing in the sun and it didn't hurt at all…
Astarion checked to make sure his fangs were still there, and they were…
So was his aching hunger…
What was going on?
How was this possible?
What's keeping him alive?
Whatever it was… he wasn't complaining…
He looks back up and admires the beautiful colors around him.
Colors he hasn't seen in so long…
The blue of the sky, the green of trees in the distance. All of the scenery is full of color in all the light.
He didn't feel the influence of his master or the burn of the sunlight…
Everything he feared for so long, was finally gone…
It felt like seeing a whole new world.
As if he was reborn…
Given a new life…
A new chance…
And it was under the sun….
It was beautiful… breathtaking…
He gets up to his feet and looks around at his surroundings. Letting time pass as he takes in.
The view of this wonderful moment is beyond comprehension.
He closed his eyes as he enjoyed the rest with his other senses…
The gentle warmth was peaceful, it felt amazing…
He never realized how much he missed this…
How horrible it was that he was afraid of the sun for so long…
Forced to fear something so beautiful…
And now he is here…
No longer burning in its rays…
…He was overjoyed…
He felt… so close to freedom… closer than he's ever been before…
Now that he has it… he doesn't want to lose it…
He will do everything he can to keep it…
He heard fighting in the distance, but he paid it no mind. Whoever they were, at least it was them, instead of him.
He was enjoying the sweet sound of nature in the daytime. The birds still singing despite the destruction, they refused to ignore their morning duties despite their surroundings… The creatures that are probably a little frazzled are stirring between the breeze in the trees and the burning of flames from the ship.
Even if it was more abnormal than the usual he was used to…
Everything was somehow even better in the day…
He was enjoying the fresh air and all the smells as he stood tall, soaking in the warmth of the sun with his arms extended out…
The freshwater and ash are the strongest among them…
Until a different smell hits his nose.
One that immediately grabs his attention, it makes him tense, its distinctive smell is undeniable…
It was blood… but this blood was unlike anything he has ever smelled before…
It was sweet and heavenly…
The right kind of sweet that was intoxicating and left someone wanting more…
…It was impossibly captivating…
He couldn't even think straight…
What was so interesting about this blood?
He hasn't fed in a while… that could be it…
Whatever it was, it was larger than an animal and smaller than most people… but still larger than a dwarf or gnome…
He could tell by their light footsteps…
Whoever they were, they were getting closer.
It's how he knew they were coming up the hill when the scent grew stronger.
And their footsteps got louder…
He turns around and he is immediately struck with a familiar pink glow… but this time it's magnified in the sun…
Wait a moment…
Is that the tiefling he caught a glimpse of on the ship?
She was a bard…
And she survived…
It is her… isn't it?
He didn't know any other pink teiflings…
But… now that he sees her… all of her…
She's not at all like he imagined…
She was real wasn't she?
This was real?
All of it… right?
It seems way too good to be true…
Astarion questioned reality…
Is he actually standing here and looking at this…
…vision?
Without tears…
Without glass in between them…
She was standing there…
In the sun… with him…
She was all too real… this all seemed way too real to be a dream….
He questioned if he was dreaming all this time…
Because it was getting quite interesting…
She was even more than what he imagined…
In the blank spaces he had to fill when he couldn't see all of her…
He was left to wonder what she looked like…
Somehow… she was… even more…
exquisite… than he ever thought possible…
More than anything he could recall in all his years alive…
It came with… a strange feeling… one he ignored immediately…
As he looked over to see the teifling's company, he was shocked by the armor of the cleric…
Who's the half-elf?…
She's definitely dark enough for his brain to make up…
Two attractive women covered in blood and wearing torn clothes stumble upon him on a sunlit day…
Not exactly the kind of dream he'd be expecting to have considering he doesn't have normal dreams…
Or… dreams of anything this… enticing…
And he wasn't quite sure if he liked it or not…
But, he knew... This was real…
The body aches were all too real to ignore…
It definitely felt like his body got hurled around in a pod and crash landed on solid ground…
If it weren't for that pod he would be flattened or torn to bits…
And if it weren't for that dragon, he wouldn't have been ripped out of the damn ship from the hole it made. The explosion launched his pod lose making it spin uncontrollably in the air and throw him around. Luckily the glass held, but not his consciousness…
It all went dark… He didn't know how he was alive or when he got out of that pod…
But he did know one thing…
If this was real and they were alive…
They were definitely on that ship…
What if this tiefling was a slave to one of those… creatures?
Pink can still be a threatening color…
What if she will hurt him?
She didn't look threatening at all… but looks can be deceiving…
He needed to make sure. This woman won't get the better of him, no matter how friendly she looks.
He can't trust her… he can't trust the cleric…
He can't trust anyone… only himself…
But… something was odd about this bard…
She kept looking at him with a strange look in her eyes…
Like she's never seen someone like him before…
Or like she was completely dumbfounded by his existence…
Either way… It was strange…
He couldn't recall the last time he was watched so fondly by someone's eyes…
Luckily he remembered hearing the stirring of a creature in the bushes not far from him, he needed to get her guard down. The rogue knew just what to do.
Surprisingly, she blindly listened to him.
Like she didn't have a single thought in her brain at all…
Like he could tell her anything and she would do it…
She was that trusting it seems…
Which was her biggest mistake, he drew his knife and pulled her in. He falls back and uses it to his advantage as he holds her there. The knife was pressed firmly on her throat, but the strangest thing was happening…
She wasn't even fighting it…
She didn't push away the blade or struggle at all. She was just sitting there frozen, her eyes were shut tight…
He still had the upper hand, he was going to make use of this opportunity, regardless if she struggles or not…
He warned the cleric before she could try anything but her eyes seemed to watch the bard instead remaining silent as she watched closely.
Like she doesn't understand her companion's actions…
The curiosity got the better of him…
Astarion ended up looking down at the tight expression from the pink tiefling in his arms…
She was shivering… was she scared?
But her face didn't hold fear… what was it?
He could hear the teifling's heart pounding wildly in her chest, which made her blood flow more…
Her open wounds are now even more desirable from this close…
He tried to ignore them but it was impossible…
He ended up getting lost in the smell now that it was so close.
His breath escaped him which ended up making the teifling change colors…
Red…
A different kind of red…
From a different kind of blood flow…
That didn't escape her body, but instead…
Compliments her cheeks ever so slightly…
Then it blossomed the longer he stared…
She went from pink, to redder, and then full on red…
She wasn't even breathing…
What was going on?
She looked like she was about to explode…
This was by far the strangest encounter he has ever had…
He completely forgot what he was here for…
Or why he was even holding a knife to her neck in the first place…
But surprisingly… he didn't hate it…
For once in 200 years…
He completely let his guard down…
Then, suddenly, her eyes shot open when she finally took in a breath.
It shocked him back into defense for a second…
Only to completely change it back within an instant…
The look on her face…
The moment he looked at her…
It looked like she became completely overwhelmed…
Her body shakes and she doesn't say anything…
The only sound was a faint squeak that escapes her…
That's it…
Her body and face were still, her breath was gone, and her heart was quiet all of a sudden.
All she did was stare widely into his eyes…
The colors within her orbs were completely different from anyone else's that he could recall…
The way she looked at him was differently too…
There wasn't anger, fear, sadness, or…
…Hate… not even a trace of it…
She… looked at peace…
Like she just… died… In his arms…
And was content with it…
She hasn't lost that much blood… yet…
And she was still… so… red…
Definitely not pale enough to be lifeless…
She wasn't dead… She was just hypnotized…
That is new… He couldn't remember anyone reacting like this in his presence in all his years alive…
She was so distracted he became a little distracted himself when he tried to get her attention…
The smell of her blood was magnificent…
Magnetic…
He never wanted anything more in all his life…
She didn't seem to be paying attention to him, so he said and did a lot more than he should have…
He kept breathing it in, making his mouth water, leaning closer, his lips twitch upwards after his tongue traced across them…
He moans softly from the heavenly scent that was torturing his body and mind, begging to taste it…
To not let another drop go to waste….
The feeling was engraved within him, instinctive, and impossible to ignore…
It was making him lose control…
He hated this part the most about himself…
That's why he craved control so much…
Because he had very little of it to begin with…
But now it is far more intense than it ever has been before…
He almost gave in…
But…
This time… He hesitated…
Once he caught a small glimpse of her face staring up at his…
He was almost hypnotized himself…
Until, the cleric spoke and pulled them both out of their trance.
He now knew two things…
One… This was reality… which was unsettling even more somehow…
And two - he knows her name…
Eliza… it's… a… nice name… but…
It doesn't suit her, for some reason…
Even still it affects her greatly when spoken through his lips…
He could feel her shiver from her own name…
He liked the effects he had on her…
She was still hypnotized for a moment, but then she finally spoke. She didn't have words, however, only sounds left her…
Finally, signs of life…
Now - he needed answers.
And he got them…
He could feel the sudden connection between them, the wiggle in his brain became obvious.
And he finally heard her voice…
He never heard a voice so calm and soothing that he could recall…
Other than the voice on the ship… it was her…
She did say those things… but why?
He looked deep in her eyes when she looked into his…
And said those words…
'You won't die here.'
She was right… he lived…
Was it thanks to her?
Then this strange sensation decided to be invasive, she was in his mind and he was in hers.
He could feel her seeing glimpses in his mind while he looked at hers.
The only memories were ones on the ship…
Everything else was blank, it was like a dark shadow that covered her entire mind…
It was cold… dark… and empty…
It was awful…
How could someone live like this?
He realized he was revealing too much of himself, he did what he could to sever the connection…
Finally, it faded away when he felt her influence trying to hold onto the memory in his mind.
She let it go willingly without a fuss, but he demanded for more.
He finally had control and now he needed more answers from her…
He demanded them.
Only to be completely taken aback by her answer…
She… felt his fear… his desire to live…
She… wanted to reassure him?
To comfort him?
She just… wanted to… really?
…Why?…
Who would do such a thing for a total stranger?
A threat wouldn't take the time to do such a thing…
In fact… no one would have ever taken the time to do that…
Who is this woman?
Who is she really?
Then the cleric shouted.
'She saved our lives you idiot - release her!'
That moment… was the first time he ever felt ashamed of his actions towards her…
The first time he was truly confused by another person's actions…
And the last time he ever thought of her as an enemy…
They were wandering around for all he knew, but this bard seemed rather determined.
She led the way with confidence, as if she had walked these paths before. She only paid attention to what was ahead of her.
Even when met with what was deemed to be a dead end, she knew there was a way down.
The bard was rather intriguing so far…
The view wasn't too bad either…
She climbed down on the vines only to look up and meet his gaze.
A smile found its way to his face as he felt the sudden desire to tease her.
Astarion: "Enjoying the view, sweetheart? I rather like seeing you from this angle - is it the same for you?"
Her face turns red… how easily it came…
A laugh escapes him and he covers his sudden smile with his hand…
The look on her face… it was…
… too cute…
Before he knew it she was trying to make her way down, until her foot slipped…
He immediately responded and was flat on his stomach in the dirt before he could even realize what he was doing…
His hand now holding hers…
Even still, he wasn't repulsed by her touch…
He actually didn't mind it…
Which was odd for him…
He ended up teasing her again only to be stunned by her smile this time…
A pure genuine smile… pure joy in her voice too…
It wasn't long until he noticed…
That was the moment he discovered how cute she was…
He ended up doing nice things too…
He didn't realize he was doing them to get her attention until the gith pointed it out.
He liked the effects he had on her, but for some reason, they stopped working.
She still turned red of course…
But instead of bringing her closer she got further away…
She wouldn't look him in the eye or accept any of his touches anymore…
Even with her distance he could still see how much she cares…
That same day he found her loyalty and strength…
Her kindness and compassion…
Her reason to fight…
She protected him and risked her own life to save him…
That was impossible to ignore, impossible to be taken lightly…
It's still hard to believe that she knew what he was all that time and still treated him the same…
And the fact he did any of those sweet things for her… It was completely out of character…
When he witnessed complete hopelessness on her face… his hand moved to touch her mindlessly…
Her skin was soft and her look was so cute when he did it…
He completely ignored the smell of her blood and his hunger…
All he wanted was to enjoy the way her face lit up from his influence alone…
He couldn't think straight for another reason…
Shtook his hand confidently when he reached for her to take it…
She knew what he was and she never treated him any differently…
She kept her distance but still looked out for him regardless…
In the end, she still meant every one of her words…
The bard stood to her feet and looked him dead in the eyes when she spoke.
Elizabeth: "Thank you… All of you… I won't stop protecting either of you - But - I'll definitely be more careful in the future. I got to stay alive in order to keep you safe, right?"
The wink was unnecessary…
But it wasn't unappreciated…
It was… also cute…
He couldn't stop the smile that escaped him or the thoughts that came from it after…
This woman was a completely different breed…
What world did she come from?
Whenever he was with her, he felt unstoppable…
She gave him strength and determination to do better… to be better…
She shed tears out of fear of his hatred, she cried for the fear of losing his company…
Who does that?
No one could fake such a thing…
He couldn't help it… the more he spent time around this woman…
The more he became aware of the changes she was making within him.
Just by her words and her actions…
Each one was unbelievably kind and thoughtful…
Even when she was avoiding him it made him desire her more…
Because he could see she didn't want to pull away…
He could see that she was denying herself to be near him…
But why?
He didn't want that… neither did she…
Why keep her distance?
He didn't care if she was dangerous…
Not anymore…
Somehow within his immortality, he finally found something worth fighting for…
Found a reason to live longer…
She gave him a little humanity without even trying…
Just by being herself…
She showed him that he is someone worth fighting for too… and he didn't even ask her to.
She just… did…
The bard showed him that he does have a heart…
That it still beats…
Or…
It did…
Now he is here…
Now he is dead…
And all he wants now is to live again…
He wants to go back…
He wants to see her smile again…
He can imagine she's probably tearing herself apart by now…
Would she bring him back?
He saved her all those times before…
Did she think he was worthy of another chance at life?
… He didn't….
No matter how much he loves to live…
He couldn't help but wonder if he deserves any of it…
If he deserves any of her kindness and sweet nature…
He wasn't a good person…
He has done terrible things to people…
He let the guilt bury itself but it never affected him…
Until now…
Now he thought about every single bad thing he's ever done…
Every horror…
Every single act that caused someone pain or suffering…
Every single drop of blood he spilled….
Not once did they bother him after all this time…
Until now…
He was evil…
A monster…
Someone like him never deserved to be given another chance at life…
He will only make it worse…
The darkness inside of him will take over again and he will hurt the one he cares about…
…
Wait a moment…
He does…
He cares about her…
More than just a friend…
This bond between them was deeper…
He was drawn to her the moment they met…
Like a moth to a flame he didn't care if she would be the death of him…
He wanted to be near her…
He wanted to be so much more than to be by her side…
He wanted her… all of her…
The good and bad…
The darkness too…
He knew that no one would ever understand him like she does…
And no one will understand her like he does…
He had to get back…
He had to tell her everything…
She deserves to know the truth…
She deserves everything…
But… Did she deserve him?
Before he could even begin to think of all the reasons why she didn't deserve him…
A soft glow came into his view…
A silhouette was glowing faintly in front of him… they were on their knees…
The detail in their shape wasn't enough to identify their face… but he already knew who they were…
As he heard her quiet sobs…
The sound was hard to listen to…
The pain in her cry's was unbearable…
He wanted to touch her but his hand went right through…
Before he knew it…
She started to hum…
Then… a song filled the air… it was low at first…
"Something's got a hold of me lately
No, I don't know myself anymore
Feels like the walls are all closin' in
And the devil's knockin' at my door, whoa.
Out of my mind, how many times
Did I tell you I'm no good at bein' alone?
Yeah, it's takin' a toll on me, tryin' my best to
keep
From tearin' the skin off my bones, don't you know."
His eyes widened at the words… He stared down at the glowing shadow only to watch her slowly grow brighter as her voice grew louder.
"I lose control
When you're not next to me, when you're not here with me.
I'm fallin' apart right in front of you, can't you see?
I lose control
When you're not next to me, mm-hm
Yeah, you're breakin' my heart, baby
You make a mess of me."
His hand instinctively moved to his chest as he was filled with immense emotions. Even in the afterlife it felt like his head and heart was going to explode. As her words fill every single part of his soul. He then sees a ball of light, a whisp of a blue soul hovering in front of her…
Her hands reach out and cup the soul in her hands…
Somehow.. he can feel her warmth encasing him as she sang to the ball of light in her hands.
"Problematic
Problem is I want your body like a fiend, like a bad habit
Bad habits hard to break when I'm with you
Yeah, I know, I could do it on my own
But I want that real full moon black magic and it takes two
Problematic
Problem is when I'm with you, I'm an addict
And I need some relief, my skin in your teeth
Can't see the forest through the trees
Got me down on my knees, darlin' please!
Oh"
The emotion in her voice was beyond comprehension, she meant every word...
Did she really feel this way about him?
After all this time… he wasn't the only one that felt this way…
He couldn't believe it until it came from her very own lips as she sang louder and her light grew brighter.
"I lose control
When you're not next to me, when you're not here with me
I'm fallin' apart right in front of you, can't you see?
I lose control
When you're not next to me, mm-hm
Yeah, you're breakin' my heart, baby
You make a mess of me, yeah"
He can feel as if life was filling him from within her song
She brought the whisp close to her lips, he could feel her voice vibrating through his entire being…
"I lose control
When you're not here with me, mm
I'm fallin' apart right in front of you, can't you see?
I lose control
When you're not here with me, mm-hm
Yeah, you're breakin' my heart, baby
You make a mess of me."
Her light… it was as if he was staring at the sun…
It was beautiful… all of it…
Her voice convinced him…
He needed to live…
He had to…
He needed her…
He wanted her…
He was obsessed with her…
He craved her…
She wanted him too, he could feel it…
Astarion wanted to be with her everyday…
To hear her beautiful voice sing songs just for him…
To watch her smile when she laughs…
To feel the warmth when he watched her cheeks glow red…
To have all of her and let her have all of him…
He… he couldn't describe this emotion…
But he wanted it…
Desperately…
He needed it…
He longed for it…
Astarion longed for her and no one else…
She was everything he could ever want…
He wanted all of her, and prayed she wanted the same…
Because he refused to let go of this obsession…
It made him feel alive…
It brought life back into his dead heart, even in the realm of death itself…
He needed to have her…
She made him feel complete…
Elizabeth made him feel whole…
He didn't want to spend another minute apart from her…
The moment she gets handed a blue glowing object from a taller silhouette that is not as bright as the bard.
He could feel the magic engulfing him.
The sensation was different as his soul got sucked back into his body and teleported back to the solid ground in front of the bard.
He was on his feet and felt a little woozy at first…
He struggled to stand and keep his balance…
It felt like he was thrown around in the pod again…
The body aches and the dizziness makes it hard to see straight.
But soon it didn't matter as he gets embraced by a pair of arms and the small frame sobs into his chest.
His arms stretched out in panic at first, until he realized the purpose of the hug and who it was from…
He looked down to see her small body shake as the sobs left her…
Her face was buried in his clothes and she couldn't look up at him.
She just held him and didn't say a word as she cried…
Nothing else seemed to matter at that moment…
He was overwhelmed by pure joy…
He couldn't believe that she felt so strongly about him and that she cared so deeply for his well being…
He could feel the importance of his life to her…
He could hear her pain from his loss…
So much pain - that she ignored her fears and doubts as she embraced him completely.
It filled him so much emotion his body moved mindlessly.
His arms wrapped around her and returned the embrace as they stood there in silence. He rested his cheek on her head as he stroked her hair softly. Instinctively trying to bring her comfort while also trying to keep himself together…
It felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest…
A small smile escaped him as her sobs grew quieter from his hold…
Something came over him as he felt eyes on them. He looked up to see the barbarian with a faint smile and the warlock with a horrified expression.
Only when he noticed the blood all over them did the smell finally hit his nose…
There was blood… everywhere…
The people in masks were nothing but bodies now…
And the Hag…
Was mutilated beyond recognition…
For once in his life, he was actually horrified by the sight of a body…
What in the bloody hell happened?!
He realized how bloody the bard was only after he finally paid attention to it. She was practically bathed in blood.
Did… did she do this?
This little bard…
Did all of this?!
He should be terrified and disturbed by it…
But he wasn't…
He couldn't have been more proud…
He was completely amazed by her every single time…
She keeps doing things that surprise him…
Good things…
Incredible things…
Whoever this little bard was in his arms…
Was absolutely perfect to him…
Inside and out…
He would like to mutilate anyone that brings her harm…
Wait… is that…
Is that what happened?
Did she do all of this… for him?…
Suddenly he felt his face grow warm and suddenly he felt nervous…
He was so flustered by the thought that he couldn't think straight…
He was so… flattered…
That everything he felt wasn't one sided…
That she in fact felt exactly like he did…
She felt the pull…
As did he…
She felt his desire…
He felt hers…
Their fates were intertwined…
He knew it…
It was like the universe created a world they were destined to be together in…
They were destined to meet…
He believed it full heartedly…
She is beautiful…
And the world will never be good enough for her…
No one is…
She deserved the stars from the heavens…
She was the brightest one among them…
Elizabeth was like the sun…
The light in the sky that everyone adores…
However, if someone gets too close…
They will burn…
He knew how to touch the sun without getting burned somehow, but to anyone else…
It was a death sentence to be drawn in by its burning call…
But even the sun longs to be touched…
She craves to be more than adored…
She wants to be cherished… protected…
Loved…
She deserves it… all of it…
But how could he ever come close to good enough?
He was a vampire…
He was born in the sun in the beginning, but then he was cursed for the rest of his immortality in the darkness.
Things have changed, but they might keep on changing…
He couldn't give her the future she deserved…
He was no one…
He wasn't special…
He spent his entire immortal life as a slave…
He never amounted to anything…
How could he? He didn't have a choice…
Now that he does have a choice…
How could he be enough?
He didn't have a throne, he didn't have wealth, and he didn't have power…
He had nothing to his name…
He didn't know how to care for someone…
He was trained and broken to be rough or to be used…
Not to be gentle and handled with care…
Not to be nurturing or caring…
Not to care for someone else other than himself…
He didn't know how to be loved…
He didn't love himself…
He is a monster…
Without this worm in his head she would want nothing to do with him…
Without the nautiloid… He would have killed her…
He knew now…
If they would have met back then, she would have been another body on the street for him to offer for his master.
Meeting him would have brought her suffering and death…
He wasn't a good person…
He didn't deserve the kindness and loyalty she offered…
He didn't deserve her…
His darkness would swallow all the light she had…
He would force her to embrace her own darkness within her so they could be compatible…
He would kill the sun and drink up all its light…
She would never want that…
He didn't want that for her…
…As much as it pained him to do it…
His hands grip onto her shoulders and push her away…
She lets go immediately and remains silent as she looks up at him with tearful eyes…
Eyes that pierced right into his very soul but he buried everything deep down…
He had to…
For her…
It still didn't stop the ache in his chest as the words left him.
Astarion: "I can't touch you, remember?"
Suddenly her face turned back to sadness as she hugged him again… He outstretched his hands in complete shock as she held him tighter this time…
Her hands gripped the back of his clothes and her face was burrowed in his chest once more, making his heart throb by the act.
Her voice was full of despair…
Elizabeth: "I don't care about that anymore… I lost you… I failed to protect you… You died because of me… It was far worse than I ever imagined… It opened my eyes… I don't know if I can have you forever and I don't want to live in regret because I never showed you how much you mean to me. I don't want to be silent anymore… I don't want to push you away or to be pushed away from you… So please…
She looked up at him with a pitiful look on her face, it damn near broke his heart when her voice trembled up to him with desperation…
Elizabeth: "Don't let me go."
He was completely frozen… he couldn't think or move…
He was speechless…
He couldn't believe what he just heard…
He wanted this… more than anything…
But he can't…
He shouldn't…
He had horrible intentions with her…
He wanted to use her… to take advantage of her…
He wanted to ruin her…
This was all too real for her…
Far more intensely than he realized…
He didn't know how to be with someone…
Astarion would break her heart…
He couldn't even bear the thought…
It was just enough motivation to say what he needed to as he forced himself to push her away again… His words came with a sting, and he did what he had to…
To make it easier for both of them…
He can't look her in the eyes as he speaks his painful truth…
Astarion: "You don't want me, you want this face. It's easier to hide the darkness with a face like mine, I suppose… I've done things… horrible things… I thought about them too… I promise you - I'm no good. I don't have a heart. I've had evil intentions with you from the beginning. I was never worthy of your devotion… and I never will be. My existence is a mistake, there is no reason why I should be alive right now. I'm not worthy of the air I selfishly take, when I have no need for it anymore. I've been dead a long time, you should have left me for dead. They were right about me, Elizabeth… I am a monster."
His head hung low as he was greeted with silence, he couldn't look at her, he was afraid of her reaction.
He can't help but look when he feels her intense stare, her eyes aren't soft anymore…
They hardened… and surprisingly…
She got a little angry… and both deeply saddened by his words…
He was completely bewildered by her sudden passion and motivation to speak her mind as the tears left her eyes…
Tears just for him…
Elizabeth: "That's not true!… You are worthy of life just like everyone else and you are so much more than just a pretty face! You can be good, you were just never given the chance! You had no choice, it's not your fault! Nobody believed that you could be better, and you started to believe it too… but I believe in you! You are not a monster, Astarion! You're far from it..."
His eyes widened by her words and actions.
Her hands cup his cheeks as her eyes soften and his heart beats wildly as she looks deeply into his eyes.
Elizabeth: "You can be more. What you are is who you are, it isn't a mistake and there is a reason you're alive today. You have a much bigger destiny ahead of you then you realize. You can have the life you dream of, you just have to believe that you are worthy of it. You deserve to be happy too, everyone does! I want that for you, I always did. You are still a person, you have a mind and you do have a heart. It didn't just go away, I see it everyday. The best part about having a heart and a mind is that you get to feel and decide. You've done more for me than anyone ever has and you chose to do it - so how could you think you're heartless? You can be anything you want or do anything you ever wanted, it's your choice in the end. This is your life now. You are who you chose to be now, not who you used to be back then. What happened in your past doesn't define you, it was only the necessary steps it took to survive."
He was completely overwhelmed by her words, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. His eyes filled with emotion uncontrollably as he stared down at her in wonder and got lost in her touch.
Astarion is mezmorized by her very existence…
Elizabeth: "I don't blame you for the things you've done or thought of, because I know I've done far worse than you could possibly imagine. Look around you… I'm the real monster between the both of us. I've thought of darker things than you could ever know. This is a result of what happens when I don't suppress the darkness within me."
Her eyes held pain as her gaze stared through him.
She pulled her hands away and looked at the blood on them instead as she spoke sadly.
Elizabeth: "I don't like who I am without you here. Just seconds without you in this world and I shattered completely. I didn't have a single conscious thought or any control... I just saw red… and I didn't want to stop... When I was conscious again there were bodies and the Hag was begging for her life… I could barely think straight or keep my composure. I was lucky I didn't kill Wyll or Karlach when I snapped once more…"
Her hands shake as the tears fill her eyes and her voice trembles slightly.
Elizabeth: "You were the only thing that made me strong, you gave me the strength to fight my darkness. But… it's still there in the end… Even when I suppressed my dark thoughts all those times before, I still thought about cutting your heads off, spilling your guts, or ripping all of your hearts out… I was forced to fight the urge every day… Every single time I was near anyone I cared about… Since the moment we all met… That's why I stayed away… Even if I didn't want to…"
He watched as the tears left her eyes, his heart ached at the sadness within her…
He could see the true hatred she had for herself and he could hear it in her voice when she spoke…
Elizabeth: "I'm the true evil here… not you."
He was completely dumbfounded by her words…
He felt true bliss by her inner thoughts from moments ago, but now he was completely paralyzed by them.
He can't believe she believed in such a thing…
That she didn't care what he has done in the past and yet she still blames herself.
Still thinks so little of her existence because of her darkness...
She believes she is not worthy of him…
He can see it now…
How could he not see it before?…
All this time…
She admired him greatly, despite his flaws or his past…
It was deeper than on the surface…
She saw more than his face…
She sees more than a vampire…
She saw who he could be… not what he is…
She doesn't care about who he was…
Whoever he wanted to be… that's the person she was protecting…
That was all she was doing… all this time…
Keeping him safe… from herself…
Elizabeth was always looking out for him even when she couldn't be in his presence because of her darkness…
She wanted someone like him to be happy while sacrificing her own happiness in the end…
She was willing to do whatever he wanted as long as it made him happy…
She thought of him first… every time…
She believed he was worth the life he was given…
No one has ever done that…
She sees them as any other living thing, and believes he is still worthy of life despite his past...
She wasn't afraid of him…
She was afraid of herself more…
He should be scared too…
But he wasn't…
Somehow…
She was worth every risk…
Elizabeth was worth everything…
He didn't fear her or her darkness…
Astarion was the only exception…
After all, she said she lost control after he was gone…
Was he her safety net?
Did she feel safer because of him?
She said she felt stronger because of him…
But what did he do to motivate her so much?
He can see how much she cares for others unconditionally…
But it was mostly for him…
It must be true, the proof was undeniable…
Her voice was for him… the song…
Was for him…
In the end…
She was braver because of him…
Unstoppable because of him…
In peace because of him…
She died in peace, twice, in his arms…
They felt the same about each other all this time…
She suppressed her hunger for him, same as he did for her.
This pull between them was undeniable…
Finally…
Someone who cares about him more than he cares about himself…
He never thought he would know the feeling…
Now he did…
It was… beyond words can describe…
He will be the only one that will understand her.
She will be the only one that understands him…
That's why she didn't care about his past, she had no room to judge…
When stuck with a head like hers, how could she blame others for their actions?
When she has no control over her own…
Elizabeth envies everyone else because they have a choice, while she has to fight with her own choices every second of her daily life.
Someone just as trapped as him…
Someone just as lonely as he is…
Someone secluded and hated from the world because of their uncontrollable hunger…
Forced to live a life within themselves as their only reason for joy.
…. Oh… Poor Elizabeth…
Her only reason for holding on…
Her only reason to fight the darkness within her…
Was to save him from his fate…
She suffered more than all of them combined…
Everyday…
Just to save them all from the evil of this world they live in…
Even from the evil within herself…
She was willing to sacrifice her desires and happiness… for them…
…For him…
Elizabeth was so selfless…
While he was blaming his darkness for his choices, he completely ignored her own. He felt terrible for her now that he realized how hard it's been on her…
She's forced to wonder if her nightmares would become a reality.
Forced to suffer with daydreams and urges that sicken her.
Forced to believe that she is exactly the monster everyone fears.
Finally…
He understood someone as much as he understood himself.
Elizabeth truly believes she isn't worthy of life or happiness… just like he did for himself…
And that hurt him more than anything has ever had before…
She hated herself…
And he hated the very thought…
The rogue couldn't stop his actions as he grabbed her shoulders and stared deeply into her tender gaze when she looked up at him with a mix of shock and confusion.
He couldn't stop the words when they left him as he shook his head softly.
Astarion: "No… No, no you're not evil, Elizabeth… You are… the complete opposite."
The tears in his eyes finally fell, but surprisingly, he wasn't ashamed of them…
He let them fall as he continued to watch her face become more enthralled by his words.
Astarion: "You are bright… You are warm… You are sweet and gentle… You… You are not those horrible thoughts."
Her tears keep flowing as he watches her lips tremble the more he speaks.
Astarion: "I see you, Elizabeth… Past the darkness… You want to know what I see?…
You have the most beautiful heart I have ever seen in all my life… And I've lived… a long time… Your heart is the part of you the darkness has yet to touch. The joy you try so desperately to keep despite your pain and suffering is beyond just admirable. You have a glow about you that lights up the air when you are near and you have a way with words unlike anyone I have ever met. In over 200 years, I have never been brought to tears by another living thing just by their words alone. No one has ever said anything worthwhile, except you. You see me… You see past my darkness and you practically laugh at its face half the time…"
She couldn't stop the little chuckle that escaped her, the tears went from sad slowly to happy tears as her smile got brighter. The sight excites him as he continues to bring her joy by his words as he smiles down at her.
Astarion: "See… Right there - you laugh again. You have a strength that is beyond what I expected, a heart unlike anyone I've ever known, and a laugh I've never been more happy to hear. When you feel joy, you genuinely express it, because you don't let fear stop you from being yourself. You are better than I could ever hope to be. Stronger than I ever gave you credit for. You're even wiser than me, and yet I am definitely older than you…"
She laughed even more, her smile was warm and bright. The tears were still there, he mindlessly wiped them away. The world around them became meaningless, it was as if it was only the two of them in this little world they created between them.
His voice spoke with sincerity…
Astarion: "You are so much more than I ever thought you could be and I'm a fool for ever doubting you… You are good, Elizabeth. Too good for any of us. You suffered the most and we didn't even know it. You…"
Suddenly the words that came to his mind next, took away his happy high… His smile faded as he realized deep down there was more he had to confess…
A lot more… And now was definitely not the time to say it…
Astarion: "You don't deserve to suffer anymore. You deserve the truth, but… now isn't a good-"
He didn't even get to finish as he gets completely caught off guard by her actions…
Before he knew it something pressed against his lips and silenced him…
His body froze and his breath grew still.
His eyes were wide as he was shocked by the act…
Her eyes were shut, her lips were warm and soft…
His knees wobbled and it felt like the earth was shaking beneath his feet. It was his body in reality, he was electrified by the sudden boldness.
He has never felt anything like it in all his life.
She pulled away and he just stared down at her wildly as she spoke plainly.
Elizabeth: "I was afraid to be myself. I've been afraid all this time. I stopped myself from wanting you, because I was afraid of myself. I stopped myself from pursuing you out of fear that you would hate me or die by my hand. I stopped myself from caring about you because I was afraid that you wouldn't want someone like me…"
Her hands reach up and cup his face once more as their breaths mix together, he listens to her words but he couldn't think straight…
All he wanted was to pull her in again…
Only to freeze as her words went deep this time.
Elizabeth: "I finally stopped being afraid the moment I brought you back and held you. Because I realized that life is short - fleeting. I don't want to waste another second of it in silence or regret. I would rather enjoy the time I have left with you to the fullest, until I can't anymore. I don't want to regret the life I could have lived… If I hadn't spent it living in fear."
He was completely moved by her words, he's never had anyone be so forward with him before.
He was always the one who pursued others and was not usually the person who was pursued.
But she did it…
She broke that boundary, she made it clear and direct.
She finally grabbed a hammer and destroyed that wall…
He should have walked away…
He should have been repulsed by the act…
He should have been angry at her boldness…
Those were reactions he would have had with anyone else if they would have done such a thing…
But this…
This was impossible to ignore…
He never felt desire for anyone to this degree…
He never craved something so much…
He never wanted anything so badly in all his life…
He has been digging at that wall shamelessly with his bare hands for a while now, it's about time she tore it down…
He couldn't believe it though, it was completely unexpected…
But he had to admit…
That was the best kiss he has ever had…
And he had to do it again… he must…
He forgot every damn thing he was going to say and just went for it.
He grabbed her face, leaned in, and kissed her back with twice as much passion. Drowning in the warmth of her breath and soft lips. Hearing her heart race and her soft little noises making him melt. The electric rush filled his body once more, finally she had to pull away to take a breath…
So did he… His head was spinning…
He never had this kind of effect with anyone before…
He liked it…
A lot…
Their breaths mixed together and they almost leaned into each other again…
Until someone reminded them of their audience.
With a fake cough that echoed in the chasm around them…
They both turned and stared awkwardly at the other two companions who couldn't hide their smiles and the red on their cheeks. They tried to point at the pregnant lady with their eyes, that's when they finally realized her presence. She was looking sour and embarrassed about the whole thing…
He didn't even notice she was there…
When was she freed?
How long was she standing there?
And what crawled up her ass?
Didn't they just save her ass?
He didn't even care as he held Elizabeth close to him, spoke sternly, and waved his hand at her dismissively.
Astarion: "What? What do you want? Aren't you free? Go - shoo, shoo - away with you. No need to thank us."
He stares back down at the bard in his arms as he speaks more tenderly towards her.
Astarion: "Unless you would rather stay and watch."
The little bard got even redder and the reaction made him laugh.
She was so damn adorable…
And alluring…
He couldn't stop wanting more…
He almost leaned into her again, only for the obnoxious woman's voice to shout at him in a tone.
Mayrina: "Thank you?!"
Annoyed, he only casually spares her a glance and gives a taunting smirk as he speaks in his own tone.
Astarion: "Awww… You're welcome. It wasn't that difficult, no problem at all."
He looked down at the bard who was still crumbling in his hold…
Exactly like he imagined she would be…
Until he gets interrupted by the woman again, this time it made him angrier…
Mayrina: "Ugh… You! You want thanks? A slap is what you deserve, you bastard! She ruined it - she ruined everything! What kind of monster is she anyway? I was better off with the Hag!"
He watched as the bard's sweet face turned sad, that alone made him motivated to answer for his leader. His eyes turned cold as he stared at the pregnant wench, his voice calmly growled out his demanding reply.
Astarion: "I beg your pardon?… I must have misheard you, say that again."
Mayrina: "No, you heard me! Ethel was going to bring my husband back. Back from the dead! And now I'll never see him again - thanks to her!"
The rogue's eyes lock on the ungrateful woman, his words turn harsh and cold from her choice of blame.
Astarion: "Creatures like them don't work for free, madam. What did you offer the Hag in exchange? "
The woman's face turns sad as she places a hand on her belly and looks down at it in her gesture.
Mayrina: "This."
He felt no pity for this woman, in fact he lost respect for her completely. She's a pathetic excuse for a mother.
The woman continued, but he didn't care to listen. I'm the end, his opinion didn't change.
Astarion: "You were going to trade your baby for your dead husband?"
Mayrina: "Don't judge me. I have nothing. My baby would have been raised in rags. Auntie Ethel promised to give this child a good life - teach them magic, even! More than I could have done."
He was going to tell her how she was already proving to be a terrible mother…
It seemed he wasn't alone in this opinion as the bard finally spoke… but she said it way better than he ever could.
Elizabeth: "And do you think that's what your husband would have wanted? You think he would be proud of you for sacrificing his gift growing inside of you, for his sake? You think he could forgive you for giving up on his child? When you should have moved on and figured out how to live on for that baby. I think he would have wanted you to be happy regardless of losing him. That he would want you to treasure that child and give it all the love you could ever give."
The woman's stares at the bard speechless… and so does everyone else.
The rogue even watches the bard in his arms as she continues to speak.
Elizabeth: "Sometimes being a mother is all a child needs, even if there isn't money, food, or a home. To be a mother means you have to make that sacrifice, she must fight everyday to keep her child safe in her care. To be given the gift of bringing them into this world and watching over them, is unlike any other. If you love them and care for them enough until they are old enough to have a life of their own. You will get to know the joy of making memories with a sweet creature that will become their own person and follow their own dreams. They will make you proud and give you grandchildren to love. They will love you unconditionally because you were everything you were meant to be."
He watched as the bard left his arms and walked over to the woman. Who was stunned by her words and her actions as the half-tiefling pointed at her stomach.
Elizabeth: "That child in your belly will someday remind you of him when you look in their eyes… and you will see the man you loved live on in their image. Then you will truly know… That he never really left you. That he has been there for you all along… Just because he is gone doesn't mean he left you alone… His love is still with you and it's growing inside of you."
The woman began to weep as she looked down and rubbed her belly tenderly. The bard didn't stop as she spoke her mind entirely.
Elizabeth: "You almost let the Hag take that away from you and give you exactly what you wanted. A living corpse, not your husband. I promise you, no one should ever trust a deal from a Hag. Keeping that child and letting go of the past is the best thing you can do for it. Just trying to survive every day and being a good mother is all it will ever need. There is no greater gift than loving every second while it lasts, because life can race by before you know it. You should be enjoying the miracles of life, instead of spending it living in the past. Protect that child with every part of you, and it will return your love ten times over. Should you ever love another again, only a man that will love that child as much as you do - is worthy to be called its father. If your husband really loved you, Mayrina, he would want that for you. He would just want you to be happy, even if he can't give it to you anymore. He still loves you wherever he is and hopes you can live on without him. Besides, you'll be with him again someday. Once you've lived your life and done everything you can for this world, you will finally be reunited. He will be proud of you and welcome you with open arms, for all eternity."
The pregnant woman sobs with a smile as the bard's words changed her view entirely. It also changed his own. He can't believe how much the bard speaks so fondly of motherhood and love. She may have even convinced him that mortality wasn't so bad…
That, maybe, even nurturing a life or growing old wasn't so horrible.
It made him realize how he will never truly understand those things…
Vampires can't have children or grow old with their loved ones…
Meaning a vampire can't be given the gift of unconditional love…
He began to wonder if immortality was a gift…
or a curse…
He can never give that to Elizabeth…
He would have to watch her grow old and childless….
To wither in front of him from the sands of time…
He hated the very thought of losing her when time no longer needed her soul on this plane…
When her body becomes too frail to carry her bright soul…
It made him want to treasure her even more now…
To do just as she said…
Not to waste another second of life in fear…
He wasn't afraid of her…
He felt so much more for her…
It was so strong it was aching inside of him…
He had to tell her… soon…
Astarion also couldn't help but wonder if she spoke the truth too, he remembered what the afterlife was like.
There wasn't another soul in sight, there was no one waiting for him.
Well at least that's what the realm of the dead seemed like, but of course, he wasn't ready to give up on life yet.
Perhaps he was in the vail before the afterlife.
The plane in between worlds before he could cross over.
But, now is not the time to be thinking about death - he should be focusing on life.
Astarion didn't want to waste another second living in the past.
Her words spoke deeper than anyone's ever had before. Time is precious, he might not have tomorrow or the next hour - even with his immortality.
Something can take it all away within an instant, the dangerous thread they lived on slipped between life and death everyday.
There might be a day that comes where they can never come back…
She could lose him…
Or worse… he could lose her…
He hated the very idea of it, if he had to live on in a world without her in it.
But…
After seeing what she was capable of without him…
After witnessing how much she suffered from his death…
He couldn't put her through that again…
Death would doom them both eventually…
It would be devastating had he wasted all this time being afraid instead of cherishing every little thing about her with the little time they had left.
The rogue was going to do everything he can to be more upfront with her and he was going to tell her everything.
Otherwise these emotions will tear him apart.
He didn't want to waste another moment in silence or regret either.
She is unbelievably beautiful inside and out…
He must tell her that…
And he will… Although…
They should probably be alone…
They could cause another scene…
That was best to be done away from prying eyes and ears…
His cheeks suddenly got warm as he felt shivers just from the memory alone…
He couldn't wait to do that again…
His mind comes back to reality once the woman finally stops crying and gives her reply.
Mayrina: "You… You're right… I… I'm so sorry - I shouldn't have said those things about you. I was wrong for saying them. I didn't see what you did for me. I always wanted to be a mother, and you helped me to remember the joy of being one. I may have to do this alone, but I won't forget your words. I won't be alone forever, and I know now - my husband never left me. He must have sent me you, to let me know that he was still here. Watching over me, even if I can't see him anymore…"
The tears left her eyes… as she spoke with a sad smile.
Mayrina: "You… You reminded me of him and of the person that he was. I should have known what he would have wanted, but the pain of losing him hurt so much - I couldn't think straight."
The bard placed a hand on the woman's shoulder as she spoke with sincerity.
Elizabeth: "We can close our eyes to things we don't want to see, but we can't close our hearts to things we don't want to feel. You loved him, it's understandable the lengths you would have gone to bring him back. He was your reason for smiling every morning when you woke up, and now he's the reason you cry yourself to sleep at night. Sometimes we don't want to heal because it's the last link we have to what we lost."
The bard shocked the woman even more as she gave her a hug. All the lady could do now was sob into the half-tiefling's shoulder as the words cut her deep.
Elizabeth: "In the end, you must heal - you must move on. Sadly, life will continue on without you, without me, and without your husband. It was here before our time and it will be after, but only you can make a difference. Your presence can bring something to this world no one else can bring. Even if you feel small or insignificant, you are here for a reason. Perhaps it's not just for yourself, it can be more than what you can give from your mind or your heart. It might just be the birth of that child, that could grow to be anything it wants to. The greatest gift of life is having the choice of a life. Your husband lived his lifetime and I doubt he has any regrets… Other than one, that wasn't his choice - leaving you and his child behind. But I think he would still want that for his child, a choice it hasn't been given yet. Don't you think in the end… they would want their mother, even if they can never meet their father?"
His eyes stare widely at the bard. The words weren't for him, and yet they had struck deep within him as well.
They weren't just for this woman, they were for whoever had the will to listen…
Whoever was willing to stop and take a moment with the words she spoke from the heart…
It can affect them in ways that were once impossible before…
Tears left his eyes without his acknowledgement, he finally felt everything all at once…
All those trapped emotions that he held onto over the centuries finally made themselves known…
All this time he forced his heart shut to keep from feeling…
All this time even his eyes were closed… now they're opening…
All this time he felt worthless and insignificant…
Now he finally understood his reason for living…
For suffering…
For begging…
For clawing…
For fighting to breathe every breath…
His very existence had a purpose…
With a destiny unimaginable…
…A choice of a life… that even he was worthy of…
He was alive, he was still here…
There must be a reason for it…
And he wants to find it…
With her by his side…
He felt like he could do anything…
Be anything…
Because she believed in him…
She believes in everyone…
Except for herself…
He hated it…
He wanted to prove it to her…
He wanted to make her see that she is so much more…
He wanted to show her that she is worthy of love…
That he…
…
No…
It can't be…
He must be mistaken…
…well…
He had nothing else to compare it to, however…
He has never felt this way before…
But… It's so soon…
He hardly knows her…
And yet…
It feels like he's known her forever…
This was by far the single best experience he could remember having in all his life…
This emotion was deeply profound…
It might have been painful and the world might feel like it's falling apart sometimes…
But it's beautiful…
He can't remember the last time he felt so at ease…
He couldn't recall the last time he was seen and heard…
He never knew what it was like to feel safe, appreciated, and cared for…
He never thought he would be understood…
…Until her…
…He's convinced…
What else could it be?
He could tell her anything… but…
He couldn't tell her that…
It was pathetic to be so stupidly honest about something like that…
He didn't even know how to love someone anyway…
He could hurt her…
Give her a life of misery…
She wouldn't want a lonely life with him…
Besides, after a while it would be useless to stay together…
Over time he wouldn't be able to look at her without imagining the way that she was…
If they end up living that long…
They had too much going on to be thinking about a future…
As accepting Elizabeth is with his past, he doesn't have to worry about that anymore…
He stopped worrying about the things he did…
Now he is worried about the person he will be…
Now he had to fear the future…
They were destined to fall apart…
He would ruin any future she could ever want…
He will never be enough for her…
How could someone like him ever be enough for someone as special as her?
He could at least satisfy her for a little while…
But eventually her heart will break because of him…
She will be killed slowly from the inside because of the way he is…
She wouldn't want to live as his personal blood bank…
She was giving, understanding, honest, and selfless…
He was stubborn, callous, manipulative, and selfish…
They were not the same…
How could he ever be the man she sees him to be?
As much as he wanted her…
As much as he wants to do everything he can with her until their time is up…
She deserves better…
A person like her wouldn't be happy with someone like him…
A fact he can't ignore any longer…
As much as he cared for her… perhaps it was best…
To just stay away…
Tears kept falling…
This time… his tears were for her…
For the life he has to give up…
He never thought it would hurt to this degree…
But it did…
He quickly wiped away those tears so no one would see them… but he already felt a pair of eyes as they watched him closely.
The Barbarian was rather curious about the two of them, while the warlock was too busy trying to catch up after everything that happened…
In fact, Wyll seemed to be watching the bard a lot more than usual…
…Not him too…
Well… he couldn't blame him…
Elizabeth was… Elizabeth…
And Astarion couldn't help but wonder if the Blade of Frontier's would be a better match for her instead…
He can give her everything a vampire can't…
So can… ugh… Gale….
But he hated the very thought of watching her be happy in someone else's arms…
Not that he didn't want her to be happy…
It's just that… he hated the thought of someone else getting that pleasure…
But what can he do?
He can't give her everything she would want in this world…
Eventually he will ruin her life…
If Astarion really loved her…
He had to let her go…
He just knew… he had to…
As much as she believed in him…
He can't believe in himself…
Someone else can give her that… even if it pained him to watch her be happy in another man's arms…
It was better than watching her suffer in his…
As much as she admired him…
He had to prove to her that he was no good…
He had to show her how cruel he really is…
The person he is… isn't the man she sees…
He will make her realize her mistake for wanting a man like him…
He didn't pay any attention to the conversation around him, he just walked in silence as they went forward. Elizabeth didn't try talking to him, she seemed to have something else on her mind. He just remained quiet and kept inside himself as she collected things before they left the lair…
They were finally back in the mucky swamp, they had to kill the redcaps which surprisingly wasn't too difficult. She talked to a toad and it showed her a treasure chest. They finally leave the swamp and are met with the full brightness of the sun.
He admired the day as they made their way back to the grove…
He felt eyes on him but he didn't bother to look up from the ground…
He didn't feel motivated to do anything…
He was lucky he even took any steps at all…
But he still followed the bard, with one foot after the other…
Remaining in silence the whole way… and so does the bard…
She didn't seem too chatty, and she didn't hardly look in his direction either…
They did a few more things when they got back to the grove.
They saved a tiefling from a Bugbear and got a soul coin, which Karlach was all too eager to explain her uses for it.
As intriguing as it was to imagine her heart having a coin slot… nothing seemed to brighten his mood.
They then talk to the infernal blacksmith. The tiefling was in fact exactly who the barbarian was looking for. Now they were on the hunt for infernal iron.
After all the excitement from the very long day they just had, they finally head back to camp.
Astarion couldn't help but think about the kiss they shared…
It played in his mind over and over again…
He never has been kissed like that before and he probably never will again…
…As much as he wanted to…
This was for the best…
He promised himself to watch over the bard and protect her regardless…
Choosing to love her in silence…
For it was better than giving her a life of misery…
Once they were back at camp, everyone went to the designated spots, and he watched as she made herself comfortable and spoke with her companions.
Until finally, she decided to talk to him…
And he didn't know if he could even stand being in her presence…
Because the entire time all he could do was stare at her lips…
Well, he suffered in silence, he began to notice that he was bringing her despair…
Finally, he decided to give her the truth…
That's all for this one folks! I was practically melting making this chapter. I will need to take a break from it, to give my other fanfiction some love. I've been too devoted to this one for a while.
The first quote was from the Lord of the Rings TV show. The song is 'Lose Control' by Teddy Swims. I even quoted a little bit of Johnny Depp. There were others that I used that were similar to other people's quotes, but I don't know who quoted them, still they should get the credit they deserve. I thank them for their words, they made my story even better.
P.S. ...Guys... Guess what?... I met Neil Newbon! He is so nice! For my very first time at Dragon Con, it was the best day ever, even if it was only one day. It was a wonderful experience and waiting in line for 5 hours was worth the wait. I will make it an annual thing to do every year and I will spend the entire weekend next time - A cosplayer has been born! I originally couldn't afford to go, I've been jobless and struggling for a living situation. Bless my mother for paying for my ticket and driving me there. I couldn't afford anything else, I just went there to give him a picture I drew with a bracelet I made for him and his friend Blue. Bless the people I met in line that paid for my photo with him and his autograph. I insisted I didn't need them, but they insisted that it would make it a better experience for me. They said they could tell how much I was excited to be there and wanted to make it even more memorable. It did, 100%. I was so anxious to sit in line the entire time, but when I finally got up there - it flew by. Now I live in regret... I was afraid... So I chose silence. I was so excited to have a photo with him, he said something to me, but I wasn't paying attention and now I don't know what he said. He meets so many people everyday, I doubt he remembered what he said to me. I may never speak to him again so I'll never know what he said to me at all. It kinda bums me out a little. I wished that we would have talked more, but I was worried I would bother him somehow or burden him with my presence. Don't you just love anxiety? I was so concerned about the people behind me or taking up his time, when in reality I wanted to ask him anything. I asked nothing, handed him the things I made, and let the time slip by. That 5 hours in line and I only spoke to him for less than a minute. I met so many nice people in that line, I got to know them and even exchanged contacts. We talk everyday. I had confidence because we were all there for the same thing, to meet the voice of Astarion. Then I that minute with Neil, not enough for that kind of conversation or connection. Is it wrong for me to want to be seen by someone like him? Was it weird that I wanted to ask him ridiculous 'would you rather' questions? Was it bad that I was hoping I was good enough? I wanted to get in his head a little. I didn't want to act like a crazy fan and make him uncomfortable. I admire him greatly as a person and I wanted to get to know him. Unfortunately, it was impossible to keep myself under control. I couldn't help it that I was so excited to hear him in person. In reality, I wanted to treat him like another human being, but I was afraid I wasn't worthy of his time... I was so worried about being in his way that I let that time slip away from me without treasuring every little thing about it. In the end it will always be a beautiful memory to me, and I'm so glad that I got to meet him. My only regret is that I didn't ask the things I wanted to and listened to him talk to me for a while longer. I just thought that since he was an actor, he had a busy life, and dealt with people every day - that little old me wasn't worth longer than a minute of his time. I was even terrified to wait in line again to try and get a second chance. My mother convinced me and I got a great memory out of it because of her... But when I had the chance to talk... I blew it... again... He told me one thing that did stick with me, that he keeps his personal and work life separate. It's understandable, but... isn't it lonely?... Being adored by people that probably know everything about you, but know nothing about the person inside. I understand how their intentions were probably different than mine, but I'd like to think that mine was the purest of all. Who I wanted to know was the person inside, I didn't want to pry into his life and do anything with that information. I just wanted an excuse to get to know Neil for a little while longer, because I think he is a great person. I told myself that I was worthy to talk to him, that we are both just people. That's why I was brave enough to go meet him. Why I went at all - was to prove that I was worthy of more than a moment. I wanted to know the person behind the voice, I wanted to know his thoughts. Sorry if that seems creepy, but I honestly just wanted to be his friend. Is that bad? Am I as a person that nobody knows in this world allowed to make friends with people like him? Is it so terrible that a nobody like me wanted to be seen by a someone like him? To actually be listened to like a regular person. To be myself... and think it is good enough for people to want to stay and talk some more... Even if I never see or speak with him again, I will always treasure that memory. The good or bad versions I made out of it have its own perfect imperfections that I adore still. Even if I have regrets... The fact that he shook my hand and said my name was enough. The fact he was nice to me is enough. The fact that he still exists is enough. In the end though... I hoped deep down that I made an impression. That out of all the people he met that one day, that I made a difference. Even if I was in his life for just a brief moment - I will never forget it. A small part of me will still secretly wish that my presence was a sweet and wholesome memory just like he was for me. That he remembers me out of the crowds of people that he met and he will smile from the memory of mine. Because my smile was real, I was so happy I tried not to cry. I was so nervous and excited I couldn't contain my joy. I tried my best to make sure he was comfortable and that I would never disrespect or embarrass him. I'm like a ghost and make my presence unknown in my daily life. I've done it for so long that people hardly realize I'm there. I'm even repulsed by the eyes of others. I love to dress in pretty clothes and apparently I have an appealing face, but I even hate it when people are admiring me. Because I don't trust other people's eyes. What are their intentions?... Are they undressing me with their eyes? Do they only care about what's underneath my clothes? Do they want to know my mind and my heart or just explore my body? Do they care about the broken little person I am or do they want to see what they can get out of me? Do they want to know me... or use me?... That's why I understand Astarion... He is like me... That's why I wanted to know Neil, the voice behind my biggest inspiration... Out of every single person there... Neil's eyes were the only ones I wanted to look at me... His gaze was the only one I trusted... Just from watching his videos and reading his energy, I thought he would understand me... That he would see me... That I could be heard... That I was worth more than a moment... Even though I was shy, I hoped I was enough. I guess I wasn't... but I am to me. I think anyone that missed out on getting to know me will regret it. Because I am loyal as hell and I just love people unconditionally. I don't care what you wear or what the color of your skin is. I want to know the person inside. I want to understand you or learn about your life. The good and the bad, I want to know YOU. I just want the same in return. Is it selfish of me to want someone to do that for me? I want someone that wants to know ME and can't wait to know more. Don't you want someone who understands you? So do I... I want to be seen, but I'm afraid to be seen. To be hurt again by people who don't care. To be used as a tool for their own selfish desires. To be broken even more than I was before. But if I have a heart - what good is it if I don't use it? If I have a mind - why don't I show it? It's because I'm afraid, I'm still healing from wounds that aren't on my skin. I'm hiding, being invisible. I couldn't even stand my own reflection for a long time, I couldn't see myself. I forgot what I looked like, or who I was. I've been a ghost for so long, it's been engraved within me. Every day I questioned my existence. Every hour I wondered why I lived at all. Every second I hated myself and hoped I'd pass in my sleep. I thought I was better off not existing. So I drove people away. I got so good at bottling my emotions I couldn't cry anymore. I just laughed, I treated it like a big joke. While I laughed, others cried. When they showed they cared and promised they would stay - of course I was left with more broken promises. I was angry a lot, I drove people away. Hoping they wouldn't love me and get hurt in the end. Because I hated myself... I didn't think I deserved love. I would wonder if anyone would attend my funeral, if I made a big enough impact on anyone's life when I didn't feel broken. Out of all of the people I knew, my mother loved me the most. She was kind, understanding, and patient with me, even when I didn't feel whole. It would have broke her heart to stumble upon my body and be forced to clean the mess I left behind. My mother always was and always will be the best mom in the world, no one can convince me otherwise. She was my main reason for living most of my life. Even still... A sick part of me still felt like I couldn't be redeemed. I've said too many hurtful things to keep anyone close and I stayed away so much that they didn't know if I was alive or not. I molded myself to fit other people and I never tried to be myself. So, eventually, I stayed silent. I locked myself behind four walls. I wasted away in the dark... Waiting for someone to want to find me instead of just looking for others to hurt me again. There were the select few I treasure that would still be there for me no matter how long it's been since I've texted them. But how could I ask them for anything? The entire time I battled with my demons. I trusted people I shouldn't have, that showed me I shouldn't be so trusting and naive. People they knew and trusted too... I knew the truth... The horrible, unspeakable things that would make them change their view entirely... Rip it up into pieces in front of them... I've opened up about it so many times to strangers they stare at me like I'm crazy when I say it so calmly... When on the inside was dying to be heard, dying to be seen. To be understood... I've been demolished, desecrated, annihilated, destroyed, violated, and disrespected and corrupted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally abused. I was so trusting at one point that I gave my heart to anyone that wanted it. I was selfless... too selfless... Even if they didn't want it, even if it was worthless to them, or even if it wasn't enough to them in the end. I gave my all, I did anything they wanted... Even if I didn't want it... I never got the choice to say no, because I was made to believe I wasn't worthy of that choice. Because of it I am permanently scared. I've been healing all that time, but it felt like I was fighting to survive. I was calling and digging myself out of a hole to breathe. My body is not the same as it once was. I was tortured, misunderstood, and used. I didn't want to trust anyone, because I didn't know if I was ever going to be good enough. My choices were never good enough and weren't worthy to be made. I gave the best I could, but never got anything in return... So, I gave up. Only when I became fully treasured for my mind and heart did I begin to realize my worth. In that solitude, I found Baldur's Gate. It was my therapy and it was much cheaper. It was an adventure I never got to really live. It taught me more life lessons than my own life. I met Astarion, and because of him I learned to love myself. I saw myself in him. It was gratifying to know that being myself was enough even for a fictional character. That is why I'm so thankful for Neil, it was more special to me than he could ever realize. He brought life to a beautiful character that reflected on my own inner demons. I wanted to see the others too, I love them all dearly. I was sad that the voice of Karlach wasn't there. I never got to meet the rest of them though, again I didn't want to bother anyone. I didn't have any money and I didn't have any other gifts. The ones I made for Neil were last minute and I only had enough time to meet just him. I was there for him originally though. I just wanted to show him how much he has made a difference. That his role was an art to me and that he changed my view on life because of it. I finally understood that I do have a purpose, it just wasn't obvious before. The reason for living is me... I love me, I hope others will too. I realized that I didn't need to live my life secluded and for the pleasure of others. I have to live for myself. I am enough for the right people. The problem wasn't me - it was them. I do have a choice and a voice. It is my life and I can live it how I wish. No one can own me, I will never stop being myself. I love who I am when I look in the mirror or not. I'm still healing though, but I am doing better. I'm trying to not let fear control my life... There are people that want me for me. I will find them someday. I am perfect the way I am. I hope I can show that to someone else too. That's all I ever want to do. Because I know what it's like to feel alone... It's horrible... I know now this fanfiction was my purpose - I love writing. I hope it can help me to connect with people. It is my passion and it expresses my love for everything I hold dear. It is me - and if you have made it this far. Thank you! This is my heart and soul and it is my next step out of the dark...
and into the light...
Until next time, my lovelies!