Read my Lips

Chapter 38

Eliana groaned. And then she groaned again because uttering the sound hurt her already pounding head. After her previous visit, the last thing she wanted to do was spend another night in the hospital. The cut on her arm wasn't even that bad. It was her head that the doctor was worried about. She had a concussion. And that was on top of the other concussion she got a week and a half ago when she leapt off a cliff to escape the psychopath that kidnapped her. The doctor blathered on for a while about a possible brain injury. And then he told her he was admitting her overnight for observation. That's when the groaning started.

"Can I at least have a popsicle?," Eliana asked. A popsicle sounded amazing. And after all her pain and suffering, it better not be grape flavored. The doctor offered her a friendly smile.

"I'll send in the nurse," he promised.

Eliana was adjusting the incline of her hospital bed when she felt someone watching her. She looked up, a smile lighting up her face when she saw Spencer in the doorway of her sick room with a lime flavored popsicle in his hand. He approached her bedside, handing her the frozen treat before he leaned in and wrapped his arms around her.

"Can you sign me out?," Eliana whispered, sealing her request with a kiss to the side of his neck. "They don't know you're not a medical doctor."

Spencer shook his head and lowered himself down onto the edge of her bed. His expression was hard to read. It was almost like he was happy and miserable all at the same time. He was fighting some sort of internal battle, like his emotions were at war inside him. Eliana discarded the popsicle she'd been so eager for just a moment before, tossing it on the metal tray next to her bed. Then she reached for Spencer's hand.

"Are you okay?," she asked. "He is dead, isn't he? Casanova? The real Casanova?" Spencer shot Nick Ryan at point blank range in the chest. Twice. But when the EMTs arrived, Eliana saw them working on the man as Spencer carried her out of the house.

"He's dead," Spencer confirmed, though Eliana didn't think he sounded as relieved as he should. The monster was dead. The danger was over. Like David, Spencer slayed Goliath. Eliana assumed he'd be as relieved as she was. But then again, Elaina never shot someone and watched them die. She could imagine that might take a toll on a person. Especially someone as gentle and empathetic as Spencer Reid.

"I'm glad," she said, squeezing Spencer's hand. "But I'm sorry you had to do it."

Spencer squeezed her hand back. But he didn't speak. The silence grew thick between them as he reached his other hand forward and tucked a stray lock of her dark hair behind her ear.

"I've got to tell you something," he said.

Eliana swallowed hard and nodded her head. His tone was ominous. From the wounded look in his eye, she could tell that Spencer had gone to a dark place in his mind. Whatever he needed to tell her, it was going to be bad. Really bad. She held tight to his hand and tried to calm her own anxiety as she waited for the words that she knew would eventually come rushing out of him.

"A few years ago, I started exchanging letters with this woman," Spencer explained. "Her name was Maeve. She was a geneticist. A brilliant one... I was getting these debilitating migraines. I sent Maeve scans of my brain. And she helped me find a way to stop my headaches. We only wrote letters to each other at first. But then we started talking on the phone. We talked about everything. Books, math, science, psychology. I started to live for our talks…"

Eliana's hand flexed around Spencer's. Her chest felt tight. She knew she wasn't stupid by any means. But she wasn't a brilliant geneticist. She found joy in her life by helping others, not by hunching over a lab table or a computer all day. She might finish her PhD someday. Or she might not. The research only interested her because it had potential to help people. She wasn't the type to learn just for the joy of doing it, like Spencer did. And it crushed Eliana to know that there was a woman out there that Spencer considered to be his intellectual equal. Something she could never dream of.

"We talked on the phone for ten months before she agreed to meet me in person. And the day I finally met her, she was murdered by her stalker. Because of me."

Eliana gasped. That's not where she thought Spencer was going with his story. And immediately she felt tremendous empathy for him. And guilty about the momentary pang of jealousy she had towards a woman that was long deceased and still haunting him. Eliana's lips parted. But Spencer lifted his hand, all but begging her to let him finish before he lost his nerve.

"She was the only woman I ever loved. Until now…" Spencer leaned forward, cupping her face in his hand. Eliana leaned into his touch, letting the feel of his skin warm her. "You're my everything," he said. "You're like a light in a dark room." He paused, pulling his hand away from her face before he continued. "And now you're lying in a hospital bed. Again. Because of me. I've brought nothing but pain and suffering to your life. You don't deserve this. I want you to be happy. I don't want to see you hurt again. I can't watch you die like I watched Maeve die."

"Spencer…," Eliana coaxed, reaching for both his hands and holding them in hers. "Don't talk like that. None of this was your fault."

"It wasn't my fault. But fault doesn't matter. It happened because of me," he countered. "You were kidnapped, assaulted, and nearly killed. Because of me."

"But I wasn't killed," Eliana said, blinking back the tears that were forming in her eyes. "And he's dead. He'll never come for me again."

"He's dead," Spencer said. His hazel eyes were swimming in unshed tears. And his hands were shaking in hers. "But there's always another monster waiting around the next corner. I can't bring you into that life. I won't."

"What are you saying?," Eliana asked. There's no way Spencer was saying what she thought he was saying. Ending things now, after everything they'd been through. Breaking up with her when she was sitting in a hospital bed. He wouldn't. He just told her he loved her.

"I'm saying we can't be together. The only way I can keep you safe is to leave."

Eliana was helpless to stop her tears from spilling over. They ran down her cheeks, wetting the neckline of the cheap hospital gown she had wrapped around her body.

"You don't mean that," Eliana said, nearly choking on her tears. "I love you. And I'm willing to take whatever risks come with that." She would rather die happy than live an empty life. And being happy meant being with Spencer.

"I love you too," Spencer said. He was crying now too. She'd never seen him cry. Not even when she woke up in the hospital after her attack. "I love you like I've never loved anyone in my life. Not even her. And that's why I can't take the risk."

There was a firm finality in his tone. Eliana knew at that moment that there was nothing she was going to be able to say to change his mind. So she simply reached out. Eliana cupped Spencer's face with her hand. And she pulled him towards her until their lips met. He tasted like sorrow and the salt from his tears. The kiss was possibly the most intimate embrace she'd ever shared with someone. It was tragic that it was probably going to be their last. Eliana released Spencer and leaned all the way back into her hospital cot. She turned her head away. She didn't want to watch him leave.
"If you're leaving," she said, "...then go."

Spencer lingered on the side of Eliana's hospital bed for another moment. He reached towards her, pulling his hand back before he made contact. For a moment, Eliana thought he might not leave. Maybe he wouldn't be able to go through with it. But then she felt the bed shift as he rose to his feet. And without another word, Spencer Reid walked out of her life. She waited until the door shut behind him. And then she burst into tears.

Eliana cried until her pounding head throbbed so hard her vision went blurry. She was still sobbing after her eyes were dry and there were no tears left to shed. When her tears finally passed, they left her with horrible feelings of helplessness and frustration.

Ignoring the intense dizzy spell that started the moment she moved, Eliana pushed herself up and out of the hospital bed. As she pulled on the clothes she'd come in wearing, her body felt heavy and numb. The pain in her body was nothing compared to the pain in her heart. She took a deep breath, steadying herself before she walked down to the nurses station and signed herself out against medical advice. Eliana didn't have her purse or her phone. But she found a few rolled up dollars in the back pocket of her jeans. It was enough to pay for a ride home on the city metro bus.

Eliana's front stoop was littered with caution tape. There were still a few nameless police department technicians poking around inside her house. Eliana ignored their curious stares as she shuffled past them. With how bad her dizzy head was pounding, it took her what felt like centuries to make it up the stairs to her bedroom.

One look at her bed almost had her in sobbing tears all over again. Before Detective Nick Ryan aka Casanova showed up at her house and attacked her, Eliana was planning for a romantic night with the man she loved. She hung sheer white fabric across the tall posts of her antique bed frame. And she scattered the top of the bed with rose petals. There were candles all over the room that had melted down to nothing while she was at the hospital, leaving wax stains on her hardwood floor.

Eliana cursed under her breath. She forgot she did all that. Now she couldn't even crash in her own damn bed without wanting to die from the sorrowful pain in her chest. Instead of heading to bed, like she planned, Eliana retrieved her laptop case from her closet. She pulled her computer out, swatting angrily at the sheer fabric she'd hung out of her way so she could sit down on the edge of her bed. She balanced her laptop across her thighs and powered it on. And then she booked the first flight she could find that would get her to Morocco.