12th of Rain's Hand
It's been another day of more Forsworn, wild animals, and goblins. I'm a bit sore from getting knocked around by the boulder trap that Talesin set off and contemplating how to get a hot bath and work out some of the kinks, when Kaidan comes sits down balancing his plate, grinning at me. "Let me see if I understand this, you've been to Sovengarde and Oblivion and got kicked out of both places?" I'm grinning back when I answer that I'm pretty sure this is why I'm still on Nirn. He laughs at this and tells me that it's good that my sense of humor is coming back.
We eat in silence for a bit and he asks me what's next. I miss Eric but the most painful part is the void in my life. It's not just any man who's got enough to him to handle my life – the absolute insanity of it all. I have to be choosy about who it is. I'm not some damn trophy and I won't be used for someone else's prestige or power. At least with Eric, i knew he wanted me for myself, more in spite of the fact I was 'The Dragonborn' than because of it. Eric relished the insanity of it all and considered the whole thing to be an amazing adventure.
Kaidan gets a bit of a mischievous look and asks if there are twins in my future. Out of everything in my journal, that's what sticks with you? I tell him that while I trust them, and think that fatherhood might look good on them, I don't think so. Now we're back to the part about the philosophical differences. At some point I might dust off my amulet of Mara and go husband shopping, but I'm not there yet. Hrongar's been the only one I haven't wanted to punch for offering. Surprised, he asked if I had a lot of other offers already. Gods, yes. Oodles of them. A few of them are even single, but many haven't been which has roused my ire. I'm no one's side piece. Eric hasn't even been missing a month and the greedy bastards are already swarming like a school of slaughter fish. I've nearly lost my temper and shouted at a couple of them. I've even had to get physical with a couple of them to get them to keep their hands to themselves.
When I mention that last bit, Kaidan gets ferocious look and demands to know when that was, so I reminded him of the incident at Markarth in the market. He was picking through the hunting knives and turned around and saw that fellow with the busted nose and the other one who was cradling his broken arm. He does remember the incident and asked what happened, so I described the entirely inappropriate hand placement that triggered my outburst of violence. Kaidan's expression shifts to something slightly guilty, "Gods I'm a dolt about some things. You should've said something to me." "Pfft," I growled, "Like I'd ever take up with those milk-drinkers. I told them that they need to treat women with more respect. If I even heard of anyone complaining about them acting like that, I'd be back to settle up with them for the grievous insult they'd just given. They're lucky I didn't challenge them to a duel right then and there. Instead, I just let them walk away with a broken nose and broken arm."
"Most places the City Guard looks down on that," Kaidan shakes his head, "You sure they'd let you get away with it?" I had to remind him who's he's taking to. I'm the Harbinger of the Companions. If I challenge someone to a duel over a personal insult, I don't think anyone's going to argue with me about it, particularly since they did it in the middle of the market with scores of witnesses. No one gets to touch me there without permission. Even the most disrespected prostitutes wouldn't put up with what those two louts tried to do. Who, in their right mind, thinks that I am going to tolerate it? I don't expect that the guards or anyone else to give me much trouble when I offer to take them outside the city walls and demonstrate why that's a bad idea. Anyone who did just might have to deal with all my shield-siblings in the bargain.
We sat there for a while, eating when Kaidan said the oddest thing to me out of nowhere, "You'll let me know if you decide to dust that amulet off, eh?" I was half-joking when I shot back with "Why? Are you interested?"
My half-joking comment got an odd look from him that I can't quite interpret, and there was a long pause before he answered. "So I can sharpen my sword up to handle the school of swarming slaughter fish." I've been rolling that around in my mind for a while, trying to decide what he meant. Is there some level of interest there or not? If he is, I'm not ready yet, but when the time comes, I might be. We've battled dragons, draugr, Forsworn, dragon priests, daedra, vampires and all kind of wildlife. He's been capable and competent, even when I'm not at my best and he's carrying my water. He's also been extremely kind and considerate. The Merry Band seems to have taken to him and they include him in their pranks, jokes and stories. He seems to enjoy them too. They certainly appreciate the more relaxed pace he enforces. I tend to forget that in driving myself so hard, I'm also driving them to keep up with me. I'd be absolutely gutted if anything happened to any of them because of my breakneck pace. I know that my dovah is already possessive of him. It often knows or senses things the joor doesn't. Dov Vahloki, indeed.
13th of Rain's Hand
I got yelled at today by Kaidan for getting distracted by a word wall while attacking some hargravens. It's difficult because these walls hit me with various visual effects that I can't control and can't shake off or postpone until I've learned the shout on them. Normally, I avoid them until the fighting's done. This time, I couldn't avoid the word wall and attack the hargravens since they were standing just a few hand spans from it. This one was worse than usual since it caused my vision to go dark. If I'm honest, it was frightening to have my vision suddenly narrowed down to a fist sized spot in the middle of fighting with two hargraven. My armor held and the hargravens are smelly enough that I don't actually need to see them to strike accurately. Still, it was a bad situation and he's right, it was unnecessary. He and Merry Band are more than match for two hargravens, even without me. Kaidan says that these walls seem to put me into a trance for a few moments and that I don't even realize it. Moments, in the middle of a fight, that could be disastrous.
He went stomping off after the fight was over, clearly angry but not wanting to say much more than he had already. I knew I had to talk to him so I waited a few minutes and went to find him, so I could eat my helping of humble pie. I found him standing on one of the big balconies scowling ferociously at a large rock. I coughed a bit to let him know I was there but the only response I got was a roll of his shoulder. I walked over and put my hand on arm and apologized. It's been a while since I have had to tell someone else that they were right, but I managed it. The scowl vanished once I'd said that, and I ended up in a bone crushing hug, followed by him checking me over for injuries, and another hug. He told me that he'd originally agreed to come with me because he felt obligated for the rescue. Since then, he's come to see me as a friend and not an obligation.
Apparently, I frightened him rather badly, so I asked him what the fight looked like from his perspective. He says that I froze in place for some seconds with the hargravens attacking me. I don't recall that at all, and that's a bit terrifying. He also told me that I rely too much on clever attacks when I'm fighting. I know what he means but most don't bother to look up and I can jump from a fairly great height without any harm in my armor. I'm not opposed to landing on of an opponent and skewering them while they're on the ground, but his point is not without merit either. It is dangerous because if they move, I could end up hurt badly should I hit their weapon instead of them.
I told him that he was never obligated to me by anything other than his own thoughts. I would never leave a skeever in the conditions I found him in. How could I possibly leave a person in that place if I can get them out of there? Places like that are why we're in this fight. This is why I've booted the Empire out of Skyrim. They were complicit in allowing this to happen and even started doing these things themselves. He's already heard my recitation to Balgruuf on what I found in the basements of those forts. He told me that I'm too kind. I am perhaps a bit of an idealist, but I think it's possible to live in world where no one can come haul you off to a dank hole never to be seen again. Kind? To those who deserve kindness, yes. To those who don't…. Just ask Rikke.
He made me promise to be more careful and I have given him my word that I will. That got me another hug. We stood there like that for a while, with his cheek laid on the top of my head and told me that he couldn't bear to lose me, his one and only friend. He let me go and wandered off. Rayya wandered over, grinning, and said that it seems I won't be single for long. She said she's seen how he looks at me, but that he knows I'm grieving so he's waiting patiently for me to let him know when I'm ready. I asked Rayya if she was sure and she laughed at me, called me oblivious in the bargain. Maybe I am, but I need to be a bit less raw than I am now before I'll be ready for something new.
15th of Rain's Hand
I haven't written for a couple of days because the weather has been miserable. If its not pouring buckets, its a constant creeping mist that just makes everything damp and I haven't wanted to get my journal wet. I found out today just how possessive my dovah is of Dov Vahloki. We were fighting a dragon that attacked us when some bandits decided to attack us as well. They managed to get behind Kaidan and bring him to his knees. Without even thinking, I left a dragon at my back to leap in front him. Jenassa said I was screaming at them in dragon tongue as I tore into them. Talesin, who has a cooler head than most, actually took note of what I was saying. Since he's been part of the Merry Band, he's spent some effort learning the dragon tongue. Rok los dii. Dir nu ko maar. It's such a dov sentiment that I almost laughed when Talesin repeated it. Talesin is pretty amused by it because my dovah is very clear and direct about it's feelings but the joor is the part of that's befuddled.
The bandits did die in terror when I started breathing fire. All I can recall is a pressing need to finish them off, get them away from Kaidan and get back to the dragon. Rayya says once the bandits were finished off, that I took off at run, jumped onto a boulder, and then made a huge leap onto the dragon's head, stabbing it repeatedly. I remember standing there, panting and consuming its soul. Talesin sidled over to me casually and chuckled, saying that it seems my dovah has already made the choice and announced it to the world by screaming he is mine. I told him quietly that I called him Dov Vahloki in my sleep back in Windhelm. Talesin finds great humor in all this, particularly me telling the bandits to all die now in terror. I turned to find Kaidan and tossed some potions down him. He starts to get that stern look that means that I'm about get another lecture on taking care of myself, when Talesin steps into the breach, asking if Kaidan realizes what just happened. When Kaidan shakes his head Talesin laughs and tells him he needs to get better at dragon tongue quickly since mine has just laid claim to him in a rather public and spectacular fashion.
Kaidan gives me long look with a slight smirk and then asks what Dov Vahloki really means and reminds me that Talesin can always tell him. I replied that what I said before wasn't wrong just not the whole thing with all it's connotations and implied meanings. The full meaning of it is closer to my sworn oath bonded dragon guardian. Kaidan frowns and says he's sworn no oaths to me. Dragons sense time differently so it's not that you have but perhaps that you will. That shakes Kaidan a bit but I have an idea that I think will make him happy. I suggest we all head to Dragon's Bridge for a day or two at the inn. It's been a strange day, and I think we could all use a break.
Everyone looked pleased but especially Kaidan who mentioned it's been a while since he's had an ale. I had a bit to analyze my feelings when I saw him drop out of sight in a ring of bandits and I fished my Amulet of Mara out of my pack and quietly clipped it on. I wandered casually over to Kaidan and said you told me to tell you when I was ready to dust this thing off. He looked at me and did a double take. "Is that an Amulet of Mara? I didn't think you'd be interested in marriage so soon." I gave him a smirk, "I don't know that I am, just yet, but my dovah seems intent on not letting you get away." Then he tells me not to go around flashing that at just anyone. I laughed and reminded him that we're out in the middle of the wilderness. Talesin is the only other man in the party and Talesin isn't particularly interested in me in that way as I lack the requisite equipment. Kaidan stood there staring at me for a while with a look that, if I'm honest, made my blood catch fire. "Why don't you come here and let me get that thing off you? I don't want anyone at the tavern getting ideas." I let him take the necklace but I noticed that he put it in his pack instead of giving it back to me. Maybe Rayya's right after all.