Chapter 64

Anxiety

Rhi POV

Piling into Dr. W's car, we head to his clinic, and as I'm sitting next to the window. I'm nervous and try to focus on remaining calm, trying to stay out of my head. I watch as we pass by people laughing on the street and enjoying their vacations and jealousy starts to grow.

That should be me out there, enjoying MY vacation. Instead, I'm on my way to get treated for an injury that wasn't my fault. OK, it was my fault. I didn't have to hit the guy but I warned him and he didn't listen and I don't back down from many things. Not anymore. I REFUSE to let someone dictate my life ever again.

When we arrive, it's smaller than I expected. It's simple and consists of a small waiting room, two exam rooms and an x-ray room. I guess if it were any bigger it wouldn't be a clinic.

I'm curious so I ask, "Dr. W? Why are there only two exam rooms? I thought a clinic would be bigger."

Smiling down at me, "The clinic is for casino workers only. If any tourists are injured, they go to a different one or the hospital. We have everything a larger clinic has but it's just for employees." He smiles and looks at Alex. "And special requests. Have a seat and I'll be right out to get you." He turns and walks away, down a long corridor and disappears into a room.

Walking over to a chair, I sit down and try to calm down. I'm so nervous. I wonder how many people I can take with me into the room? I'm sure just me for the x-rays, but the actual room? I need Ana and Kate with me. I THINK I want Alex there too but I haven't completely decided yet. I'm so glad Ana let me have that glass of Patron. I really needed it to calm my nerves. It helped but now my anxiety is increasing rapidly. Right now I just want to get this over with and back to my vacation.

I'm sitting in one of the chairs, Kate and Ana are across from me while Alex is sitting next to me. I'm getting antsy and can't sit still. I've always had that problem but it seems to have gotten worse with all the stress I've been under. Both of my legs are bouncing up and down and I keep picking up magazines, only to put them back down again, without reading them. I can't help from looking around at everything in sight.

I feel a hand on my leg and Alex quietly says, "Rhi. Calm down. It'll be fine. Relax." He smiles, picks up my left hand and kisses it. "Besides, you're driving me nuts shaking the chair." He chuckles.

My legs stop bouncing and I mumble, "Sorry." Then I get up and walk over to the window, watching the people on the street. God I wish I was out there and not in here.

I feel eyes on me and it's unsettling. I know it's probably Kate, Ana and Alex and they think I'm going to run. I laugh to myself, Believe me, I've considered it. Then I sigh, I think they would actually chase me down if I tried.

I feel arms wrap around me and Alex lays his head on mine. "You OK?"

I sigh again. "I'm OK. Just ready to get this over with and move on."

Reaching for my hand, he suggests as he tries to pull me toward the seating area again. "Come on, let's go sit down."

I stiffen and stay where I am. "I'm just going to stand here. If that's OK." It's not a question. If I wanted to sit, I would. Apparently I can't sit still enough for people so it's better I stand. I don't want to hurt him but god damn, how many concessions do I have to make? More and more I want to have some time to myself. ALONE.

I feel his arms unwrap from around me and he quietly says, "Sure. I'll be sitting over there." As he walks away I'm sure I hurt his feelings or something, and I DO feel bad about it, but I'm tired of feeling weak. I can handle a lot more than people give me credit for.

It reminds me of years ago when things started getting bad. That's what they do to you. They tear you down and make you feel weak and dependent. I'm not weak. I'm strong. Sure, sometimes weakness takes over but right now I want to be strong and deal with shit my own way.

I can guarantee, after this appointment, I'm getting a drink. Pain meds or not. Probably a yard again because it's hot and something icy and cold sounds really good. I've done pretty well with alcohol, for the most part, and it DOES have it's benefits and makes life a lot more fun and that's what I plan on doing, having fun. I've had enough of the emotional drama bullshit.

I laugh, a little louder than intended. Alex will most likely be upset because of the extra shots I plan to add but right now, in this moment, I don't really give a fuck. I'm torn, how do I tell him I'm not a child and can actually make my own decisions when drinking and eating?

Fuck don't get me started on the eating part. Ana and Kate make it seem like I don't eat at all. I eat when I need to and how much depends on what I'm doing. There's a reason I do everything I do. Ana and Kate used to get on me about it, more than they do now, but they've finally cut down. I can see the concern and judgement when they watch, but they don't make it as obvious as they used to. Yes, I have food issues. Years of being forced to eat will do that to a person. Once I got away I took my life back into my control and decided to never let anyone have that power again. I've forgotten the pain but the memories are still raw. Now if I could just get past this fear I'd be a lot better.

My thoughts are interrupted by a pleasant female voice, "Rhi? Are you ready?"

Turning toward the voice, I see a woman smiling. She's very tall and lean, her brown hair is pulled up into a messy bun and she has a stack of paperwork in her hand.

I give her a nervous smile, "As ready as I'll ever be, I suppose."

As I'm walking toward her she asks, "Do you have your paperwork filled out?"

"Oh. I almost forgot." Turning to Kate and Ana, "Kate? Ana? Can I get my paperwork, please? Kate nods, handing it to me silently. I don't even look at them when I take the paperwork and hand it to the nurse.

She looks at everyone, "She'll be OK. We'll get the x-rays done then we'll go from there with the next steps."

I follow the nurse back into one of the rooms. I'm not ready for this. I can feel it, the pressure building deep inside, but I need to push it down and focus on the task at hand, getting the interview and x-rays done.

Standing in one of the rooms, I wait for directions on where to sit. Realizing what I'm doing she motions to the chair in the corner. "You can go ahead and sit in the chair for right now. Dr. W will be in shortly to review your paperwork." She smiles and leaves the room and I'm left alone with my thoughts. It's only a brief moment before Dr. W walks in.