Chapter 97

So Tired…

Rhi POV

"Fuck! This is some fucked up shit and I don't know what to do." My voice echoing off the walls, the only sound is the water hitting the floor, like white noise.

I stand under the water, the heat burning my skin, in silence.

I'm always here with you. You know that. I haven't gone anywhere.

I sigh. "I'm so tired of crying and being stressed out and being upset and angry and just… everything."

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. You should be enjoying this vacation, not stressing out and certainly not getting hurt. You do have a temper though and with everything that has occurred it was inevitable. Unfortunately, you were physically hurt. That upsets me. You've been hurt more than anyone should be. Enough for many lifetimes.

"I just want it to all go away. I can't drink because everyone gets upset when I do and, now that I've taken a pain pill, they definitely won't let me drink the way I want to." I pause briefly, "The pain pill. Jeeze that was a fucking nightmare. I didn't let you force things on me so how am I supposed to let someone else? I can't. I won't."

You're right, alcohol and pain meds do not mix well. However, Kate and Ana know what you need, when you need it, so they provided you with it. Don't forget that.

"I know and I really appreciate them and love them. I don't want to hurt anyone but they can't seem to let shit go. If I hurt, then it's my fault that I didn't do something to eliminate the pain. No on else's. I'M the one who punched that guy. I'M the one that made the bad decisions. I'M the one that deserves the pain."

No one deserves pain of any kind. You definitely don't deserve any more pain than you've already been through. As for making bad decisions, you are the queen of that, especially when it comes to your well-being.

I start to say something but I'm cut off.

Don't interrupt, just listen! What I don't understand is WHY you don't treat yourself when you're hurt? Why do you think you need to defeat the pain you are in instead of treating it?

"You know why! I dealt with things and couldn't let him win. I can't let him break me any more than he already did. He already broke my body and my mind. He was one step away from breaking my spirit. I refuse to let him break anything else."

So what happened tonight?

"I wish things happened differently tonight. I just wanted to eat and relax a little. Alex got upset because I waited to tell him the block started wearing off during dinner. Of course my temper flared, which didn't help the situation. My mouth always gets in the way. Lack of filter I guess."

The girls know about your temper but Alex doesn't. I guess he found out the hard way didn't he?

I chuckle, "I actually find it kind of funny but if I laugh they think I'm losing it or intentionally trying to hurt someone. I'd never do that. I'm not that cruel."

You've always laughed at the most inappropriate things. That's how you cope. They know that.

"Then why don't they help me convey that to other people? Why don't they back me up and support me? They just stand back and watch. Sometimes it's like they want to watch me self-destruct.

Maybe they want you to be able to stand on your own. Maybe they want you to be comfortable in being yourself.

"Why can't they understand that I can handle a lot more than they think? Why do they treat me like a child and that I don't know how to take care of myself? Just because I don't do things that a 'normal' person would, or when it's expected, doesn't mean that I don't do anything to care for myself. I'm still alive aren't I? Doesn't that count for something? Shouldn't that be enough proof?

Maybe they want you to be able to prove it to yourself that you can. Yes, you're very resilient and are a lot stronger than you appear. Yes, it's a miracle you are alive, but you've been through so much that you forget not everyone knows exactly what or how much that is. Especially new people you meet. Some people need more information in order for them to accept that as proof. They can't read minds.

"Ha! It's a good thing too. Dr. Cameron always said my mind is a scary place to be."

That's no joke. Dr. Cameron always says that your mind is like the psychologist's amusement park, except it's the funhouse section.

"That's fucked up. True, but still fucked up." I laugh.

What do you want me to say? I agree you're fucked up? No one else thinks you are, except when you do things like you have been, without explanation. You need to provide background if you want people to understand.

I snort, "That's bullshit. I don't fucking understand why. Why the fuck do people have to make things so complicated?"

Not everyone makes things difficult. People who care might, but only if they don't know details. They push and only understand one way. You can't come to a proper solution without all the information.

"Like Alex."

Like Alex.

"Isn't what he saw enough? The x-rays?"

That's the tip of the iceberg. There's more to the story, you know that. The story is important to explain the x-rays and the personality… issues."

"I know Alex cares and wants to make sure I'm OK. I'm really happy about that but all the shit I've been through, and had taken away from me, makes it hard for me to accept help and trust intentions. I HAVE to fight for my independence. I don't mind him wanting to take care of me, I just don't want him to force the issue. That's all I ask."

There's silence for a few moments and when I get no response, I continue. "I know he doesn't know my complete past and it's time to tell him because I can see that I'm hurting and confusing him. I don't want to do that. It makes me feel like I'm doing what Jace did, just not physically. I need to tell him so he can have the power to make his decision. Instead of me making it for him."

There's a low growl.

Enough with the 'power' bullshit! Why are you so insistent on this?

"Why do you think? I didn't have the power to decide what happened to me! It was taken from me forcefully and I was left with no way of defending myself! NO ONE deserves to have their power to make their own decisions taken away. EVER!"

I get it, really I do, but maybe you shouldn't put so much stress on that.

"Fuck. I just don't get it. All I know is that I seem to be fighting with them a lot more on this trip than I do at home."

That's because you disappear back home. You snap and evaporate like a ghost, then you appear out of nowhere like nothing happened. You forgive but you don't forget so you return and act like nothing's wrong but somewhere down the line something triggers you and you snap again. You can't let shit go.

I feel a lot stronger than I have in the past. Maybe it's because of Dr. W. Don't get me wrong, Dr. Cameron is helpful, but this is different. He's neutral and doesn't know me or the situation. He let me make the decision of how to handle the treatment. Jace stole that from me.

Sometimes seeing things from someone else's perspective can help give a fresh start.

"He let me make the decision of telling Alex if I even wanted to right now. I feel like a shitty person dropping the x-rays on him like that, but I couldn't find the words or courage to tell him. I'm supposed to talk to him tomorrow about things, to explain why I'm the way I am, but if I couldn't find the words before, how can I actually talk to him? What can I possibly say? He's going to think I'm fucked up and he'll be right. I AM fucked up. Jace is still fucking me up."

That's something you need to figure out for yourself. I can't tell you how. You need to find the strength within yourself to do that. Just remember, I'm always here.

I'm silent for a moment, lost in thought. "I really like him but…."

But what?

"I don't know if I can give him what he wants from me. I don't know if I can give him what he deserves. He deserves so much better than me."

You always think you're not good enough for anyone. You're more than good enough, you just have to believe that. Until you do, you won't be able to move forward.

"That's the thing. I don't know if I have the strength to move forward yet. I've still got so many issues that I'm working on and just the thought of letting someone in freaks me out and I put up my walls, and sometimes I'm not so nice about it. Even though I could honestly fall in love with him, I can't help but feel it's too soon for me to make someone happy and he deserves to be happy."

You have to do what you feel is right. Only you can determine what that is.

"FUCK!" I growl out, hoping it wasn't loud enough for anyone to hear. "That's not very helpful. I need better answers than that! I can't do this."

There's a loud hiss.

ENOUGH! You're no quitter! Pull yourself up and use the strength you've gained from all this! Quit feeling like you are weak. You didn't survive to just give up and quit!

I'm stunned into silence. I'm almost speechless, but not completely.

I roll my eyes and mutter, "Whatever."

The sound of the shower is deafening in the silence, the heat acts as a fuel, igniting a fuse. What starts out as a slow simmer, it quickly morphs into something stronger. I'm boiling mad, my anger matches the heat of the water and after a moment I shout, "NO! How DARE you! You don't get to tell me what I need to do! Don't you think I KNOW I didn't survive just to quit? You know what I had to do to survive! You were there! You saw what happened! I GET it! I'm stronger than I think, I'm a better person because of it, I'm here for a reason, blah…blah…blah…. You and I both know that's a load of shit! No one lives through all that and comes out a better person! They come out bitter and angry and scared and broken and damaged, sometimes beyond repair! They lack hope and courage and the ability to love themselves. Don't you DARE tell me any of those lies! YOU didn't have to live through the fucking pain and fear and depression and anger! YOU LEFT ME! YOU LEFT ME TO HANDLE EVERYTHING ON MY OWN!"

I'm so angry I start grabbing everything in the shower, all the toiletries I can reach in the shower and throw them, accompanied by a scream of rage.

Silence fills the room.

I never left you. I stayed quiet because I didn't want to upset you any more than you already were. I was always there. You shut down and closed off so you couldn't feel me. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say to that. I always thought I was alone. Abandoned. Locked away like I had been for those years of hell.

Reaching up I turn off the cold water completely and then slide down the wall of the shower in defeat. I rest my arm on the bench so it's up and out of the stream of water. I want the burn to take away the pain. I want the water to wash away the grime. I want to melt into a puddle and disappear down the drain. Things would be so much easier if I didn't have any feeling; physically, emotionally or mentally. The tears start to pour out of my eyes, down my cheeks, blending with the hot water of the shower. The salt burning my eyes forcing me to close them. I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time and soon I'm drifting into a hazy dream. I don't feel any pain, I don't feel any burning, all my thoughts are numb, and my mind is blank. It's an amazing feeling and one I could get used to, if only I knew HOW to achieve the feeling, other than self-destructing damage.

I dream that I'm floating on the Dead Sea, no longer drowning beneath the waves that keep crashing down on me. I'm actually calm and relaxed, floating weightlessly amid the salty water. It's an amazing feeling, but one that doesn't last. Suddenly I'm jerked under water by an unseen force, and I kick and struggle to get above the water. I'm able to get my head above the waterline and I start to cough and sputter, coughing water out of my lungs. The haze in my head still lingering, and all I can see is a white cloud and I feel weightless.

"Are you finally coming to save me? I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want it to stop…"

You know I can't come save you. You have to save yourself. I can only be here to support you when you need it. You're stronger than you let yourself believe.

"I don't think I can do this. I just want to go home. I'm ready to end the vacation early and leave. I just want to disappear so no one can find me, not even Kate and Ana. I love them dearly and always will, but this time, this trip, has been nothing but a nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. So many secrets that I hold on to and I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm just so tired. So tired…."