"I am the goddess Aqua. Your time in this world is at an end…"
I stared at the self proclaimed divinity before me in shock. That was it? I completed the quest line! Killed the general! I had a queen waiting to get hitched! And all that is gone just because I didn't do enough cardio! Who designed this level? How lame could you get?!
But somehow, she'd moved from her throne-like chair to standing in front of me in the blink of an eye.
"That's what I would usually say, anyway." She leaned forward, putting a hand to her mouth and whispering. "But I have a deal for you, if you can keep a secret."
That also put her best assets right in my line of sight, and if I hadn't been spending so much time around Iris, Yunyun, Lalatina, and even Ancient Blonde though I'm definitely not into MILF types…that would've been a lot to handle for the old me.
"Go..on…." I said slowly, for once actually trying to keep my eyes on hers instead of enjoying the show.
"So…I'm in a bit of a pinch. You died, but you're not from here, right? And you didn't die in Japan to get here like everyone else, so I've never seen you before and given you a divine item and all the rest of that stuff we hand out before shipping earthers to Belzerg. So you don't really belong to…anybody really. You landed on my plate because you died with my follower's buffs and blessings on you, but that's like, a technicality and stuff?" She shrugged, one finger to her lips as she considered. "This whole 'veil transfer' thing that the mortals here came up with probably should've gotten somebody smited, it's really going to mess things up if it keeps going. But for now, I really don't have a rulebook for how to deal with you."
She smiled at me, reminding me of a used moped dealer I'd tried to bargain with, and nearly wound up with a clunker with a fresh coat of paint and an engine older than I was.
"So that means I can pretty much do what I want, right? Easier to ask forgiveness than permission, after all! So let me tell you what I have in mind! It's simple! You know I'm the patron goddess of the Axis church, right?"
I'd always heard it called a 'cult', but couldn't say I knew much more about them than that. "Yeah, I met a few of them right before…well right before."
"Aren't they great? Cecily is just the best, I have high hopes for her! So you know we've had some…bad times lately. Hans earned his place in hell, let me tell you! And since you're the one that put him there you're getting the extra special offer!" She straightened up again, which just meant I could see exactly how close to a wardrobe malfunction her miniskirt put her. "In addition to the other benefits, I'll even let you multiclass! With a lame class like Adventurer, it's worth it right there. You'll keep your existing stats and skills, but I'll add on the stat boosts and skills of a priest class on top of them! Two for the price of one!"
She pulled a clipboard and pen from thin air and handed it to me. "Just sign at the bottom!"
Taking them, I frowned at the page clipped to it. "One thing," I said as I started skimming. So far, it seemed to pretty much say what she'd just told me, though a lawyer I'm not. "Sylphina has resurrection magic. She's probably casting it right now. Does…"
Aqua sniffed disdainfully. "She is, it's really annoying blocking her so we can have this talk."
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!"
I scribbled on the dotted line and shoved the clipboard back at her. "Here! Thanks for you and your follower's help, but I've got a life to get back to!"
Clutching it to her chest like her most prized possession, she gave me a beaming smile and opened a portal beside me.
I came back to myself to find Sylphina leaning over me, looking drained and exhausted. I was lying on a clear spot of ground, minus my shirt, and everything above my shoulder blades felt tingly, like I'd scrubbed too long in the bath or something.
"Thank you, Lady Eris," our archpriestess breathed out, and sat back on her ankles, spreading her hands behind her to stay upright as she slumped.
"Indeed! That was a most impressive performance, Lady Sylphina! Why…"
Him.
Surging up into a sitting position, I twisted, wincing as the skin twinged and turned a wrathful glare upon the knightly jackass.
"KYOUYA YOU ASSHOLE! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" I bellowed. "YOU TURNED AND RAN TO THEM INSTEAD OF SHIELDING ME!"
His chivalrous facade wavered a bit, then he sniffed disdainfully. "How dare you sir! How can you call yourself a gentleman and demand I abandon ladies in need of protection. Have you no…"
"They didn't need the help! I did!" Pointing at Sylphina, still drooping, I said "she can cast a barrier that will stop a cannonball!" Then at Megumin, flat on her back and immobile I now saw. That would explain why it smelled like someone firebombed a chemistry lab. "She's a dark goddess!" And finally to Komekko, who was regarding the whole scene curiously while nibbling on a biscuit. "And as for her, I don't think she can die, unless it's at midnight in the light of a full moon! So tell me, Sir Kyouya, who in this situation actually needs a shield between them and the enemy!"
Komekko stopped nibbling, fumbling her treat only to grab for it at the last second before it hit dirt.
"Oh…" she said softly, looking away and fidgeting. Eris save us all, she even seemed…yes, yes she was in fact blushing. "I had no idea you thought so much of me. I'm flattered of course, but…"
Meanwhile, Megumin forced herself up on one elbow, golden eyes glowing dangerously at me.
"Sir Kazuma, if you continue hitting upon my little sister with your honeyed words, I shall find it necessary to begin hitting upon you."
Komekko sniffed, side eyeing her sister. "It's a very traditional form of affection, no one who lives in the Village has used it in years. But it was very sweet for an Outsider to know it."
HEY! Don't swear to Eris! Swear to ME!
I froze. "Who said that?" I asked after a moment.
The budding sisterly argument went on, but Sylphina roused, looking at me curiously. "No one, Sir Kazuma."
"I'm sure I heard someone say something about swearing to Eris," I replied distractedly. Kyouya shook his head as well, looking surprisingly concerned for him.
"Not I. Perhaps…I fear to suggest it in your state Lady Sylphina, but perhaps you could examine him once more?"
Nodding grimly, she roused herself to do just that.
Oh no you don't! You tell that padding worshiping hussy to keep her hands off! We have a deal and you're going to keep it!
That came through a lot more clearly, and I raised a hand at Sylphina to wait. A terrible, terrible suspicion was beginning to form. Hesitantly, dread beginning to fill my mind, I called out softly.
"Aqua?"
Finally! Who else would it be?! Have you made any deals with any other goddesses? Because if you have I'm voiding them right now! Understood? Good!
An image was beginning to form, in the right upper corner of my vision, of that same goddess on her chair from the waist up. The background wasn't the gray void anymore, but more like a blank sky blue wall. Though it had some sort of swirling foam and wave pattern on the white molding at the top where it met the ceiling and…
"Is that a poster? The gods like Doritos?" I asked bemusedly, then it hit me. Everything fits.
Everything.
"ARE YOU LIVESTREAMING ME! I did NOT agree to this!"
"Of course you did, in exchange for Axis exclusive buffs stacking with your stats you agreed to join the Axis church as one of my beloved children! And part of that is the chance to hear my words! Isn't that a great deal? Where else can you get the chance to talk to a real live goddess like me every single day? No where, that's where! Not in that Eris pretender's church that's for sure! She might talk to her followers once or twice in their whole lives!"
By now, I was realizing I'd made an awful, awful mistake as she prattled on about the host of 'exclusives' I'd just signed myself up for, each worse than the last. Who in their right mind needed a lifetime supply of edible soap, liquid and bar?
"Yeah…about that…" I began.
"And no take backs! You already resurrected, so that means you agreed to the deal!" She changed tack hurriedly. "Now get to adventuring! The viewers are starting to show up!"
That's what I was afraid of. But…there had to be a way out of this. The solution is in the environment.
"Answer one thing for me. You want to attract people to watch your channel, right?"
"Well duh, why else would I bother with it?" she snapped, biting into a Dorito.
"Which means if I, say, were to lock myself in my room for the next three months you wouldn't have much of an audience before long."
Aqua smirked. "I bet you think that's clever. Well let me tell you, mister. If you break our contract, then you forfeit the benefits!"
"Ok, not seeing a problem here. I have enough soap as it is, and the buffs are nice but not a 'must have'."
"And you also drop dead on the spot! That resurrection isn't a freebie you know! And then you come right back to me, and I put you in time out until you behave!"
"And then what?"
She stopped eating her chips. "What do you mean, 'and then what'? You don't live! You stay in limbo! Just you and the walls! It's basically purgatory!"
I shrugged. "And? I spent years in a room entertaining myself one way or another long before I came here. I did it before, I can do it again. Now you, on the other hand…" I smiled cheerfully at her.
She leaned back in the frame, like she was trying to get away from me. "Me what? You can't do anything to me, I'm a goddess!"
"A goddess of a church that's shrinking every year. Who's home base is a hellscape wasteland. How much longer until it's gone, do you guess? Five years? Ten?" I asked softly, intently. Locking eyes with her while leaning forward, as if into a camera frame, having totally forgotten I had an audience on my end as well. "How much is a goddess, without her church?"
Aqua's face fell, her whole posture collapsing in on itself with a hiccupping sob. "No! My…my children won't give up! Not on me, not on themselves! We can come back, you'll see!"
Tears glistened in her eyes as she gave her declaration, and it burned like acid in my gut to apply some of Dad's advice on negotiating, like admitting he had a point or something. Well, stopped clocks being right twice a day and all, right?
"Hey, it's not the end of the world. We can still make this work," I told the sobbing goddess.
She looked up, wiping her nose.
I made a sweeping gesture, like I was clearing the air between us. "This can be a good deal between us. I just need some…reasonable concessions, that's all."
Aqua straightened up. Eyes still red and nose drippy, a cute cryer she wasn't, but she was paying attention. "What do you mean?" she said in a small voice.
"Just a few, very small, quality of life things." I said soothingly, trying to placate a little now that I'd made my point. "Like asking before you start a stream to make sure I'm not on the pot or something. Or some appropriate compensation. Maybe even some more free continues, so your stream doesn't end prematurely. I'll even advertise, now and again. Talk up how your followers helped me with Hans. I'd only be telling the truth, right?"
"As if I'd want to show any of that icky mortal stuff. I'm a pure goddess!" She huffed. "And of course my followers were helpful, they're the best! Fine, have it your way! You'll see! You'll be begging to sing our praises before long!" As if her earlier crying jag had never happened, she glared at me and pointed right at my nose during her declaration.
Then she frowned and looked somewhere off camera.
"Dammit Eris, get your ROFLcopters out of my chat! That's an order, don't think I won't ban you! No, I'm not inviting him to Monopoly night! How would that even work?!"
Iris' turn
The next day, seven of the most powerful people in the kingdom stood around a round, white marble topped, wrought iron table in the private salon adjacent to my chambers. The light streaming in through the windows pivoted open in their similarly styled frames spilled across the two parchments, only used for the most formal of documents, that Claire lay before us.
She stepped back to her place behind and to the right of my seat, representing House Sinfonia as my second and witness.
Meanwhile, Bennet, Chief consort of the Crimson Demon Clan, stepped forward with the pen and inkwell filled with enchanted ink and placed it in the center of the table before resuming his place similarly behind Kazuma's seat and beside his wife.
To one side, Lalatina stood witness for her house, or sat as the case may be given her condition, with her husband Alexei while opposite her Sylphina and Archbishop Fabian represented the Eris Church.
After reaching for the pen I made a show of reading the terms over, though they'd been debated and agreed on previously at length even before Hans' demise, before signing each copy.
Kazuma did the same, showing surprisingly good penmanship actually. It warmed my heart a little. He must have been practicing when I wasn't looking.
Claire, visibly clenching her teeth but true to her word, signed next.
Then came Lalatina, and the archbishop, joined by Yunyun.
And then the deed was done.
By this time tomorrow the announcement, and copies of the contract's terms, would be sent out by teleport messenger and post rider. That done, Kazuma and I would wed in a season. Almost scandalously fast by royal matrimonial standards, a year's notice was not uncommon since they were always major social and diplomatic events.
But in our position there was little reason to wait.
True, the Demon King's forces were reeling from all reports, not so much as a tickle reported at the frontier. With his fortress' defenses at half strength, he seemed to have abandoned any offensive action at all, as we hoped. The Crimson Demons had even begun launching probing raids via Teleport for the first time in years, seeking to keep the pressure on.
With any luck that happy state would continue for some time. But I dared not plan on it, and the disruption and distraction the wedding plans would surely cause us were best weathered as soon as possible while the enemy felt their weakest.
For now, we could enjoy a bit of hard earned peace. And the benefits that came with it.
"Our thanks to all of you, my lords and ladies," I began. "We shall endeavor to make this momentous occasion a cause of celebration for all the realm, for many years to come."
"For myself as well, joining my fortunes to the kingdom's is a decision I shall never look back on with regret, except at the fact I could not do so sooner," Kazuma completed the closing statements we'd decided on. In a rare case in politics, both of them were true.
"And If I might have a few moments with Sir Kazuma, we shall be pleased to join you presently at the reception."
At that, they filed out after brief goodbyes, veiled threats, and congratulations depending on the personage.
As the door closed behind Rain, Lalatina, and Claire I mused that the jokes about Belzerg having become a matriarchy under my reign had perhaps more truth than not. What with the posts of Royal Mage, Royal Guard Commandant, and Prime Minister all held by women.
The room now being clear, I relaxed in my chair with a nice stretch. Somewhat worryingly, he didn't. "So, now that you have your scandalously private meeting with your fiancée," I joked, prodding his foot with mine and rather enjoying the slightly dazed look he got at the title. "What did you want to discuss?"
An invitation that proved to be a mistake.
"So, in exchange for your return, at certain somewhat random times throughout the day you shall be possessed by the Goddess Aqua?" I said disbelievingly some minutes later, fingers pressed to my temples.
The cool marble of the table looked so inviting. Surely it wouldn't damage my royal dignity that much to lay my head on it, just for a few moments, to ease the pain?
True, I'd been prepared for many things, sending him off to launch his scheme. Even losing him outright, though the thought had kept me awake and at my training the night before. After hearing the first reports of Hans' destruction and the strange tidings after, I spent the day imagining one strange contingency after another for this moment.
But never this. There had been days I wondered if he was actually a coward, but clearly not when he did such things. To a goddess, for Eris' sake.
"Right now being one of them," Kazuma agreed. "But she agreed to knock before opening the door, so to speak. Something about avoiding 'icky mortal stuff'. And some other courtesies I negotiated for."
If the accounts I solicited later from the horrified and awestruck Sylphina and Sir Kyouya, and somewhat dismissive Komekko and Megumin were to be believed, what he actually meant was blatant blackmail and emotional manipulation. To Crimson Demons, communicating with a goddess was impressive only if it was one of the 'interesting' ones it seemed.
Still, a willingness to engage in skullduggery isn't necessarily a bad quality in a prince consort, especially one of a realm at war. Even if it meant I was perhaps wise to have taken extra care with the provisions of the freshly signed betrothal contract.
"Then might I respectfully request that she…disconnect, is that the word? For a time."
He nodded, and after a moment said "She did. She also said the ironwork in the window frames is pretty, by the way."
"The smiths will be flattered, I'll pass that along." And I would. The praise of a goddess of the Arts, even Aqua, was something no craftsman should be denied. "Now then, when you asked for this meeting something… occurred to me," I said as I stood and strode around the table. Letting my fingers trail on the top, I made sure to put a little extra sway in my step to make the slim white gown swish enticingly. Aunt Tina had been most helpful.
I arrived beside his chair, leaning one hip against it and impishly smiling down at him.
"Ah…and…that would be?" he stammered, blushing adorably as he traced his eyes up and down.
"That during your tour of the palace I made a frightful oversight that has never been corrected. I neglected to show you my chambers. How lax of me. I do hope you'll allow me to rectify this?"
End of Act 1