Matthew thought it would be appropriate to kill himself, but truthfully he didn't entertain the idea for long. It wasn't that it would mess up everyone around him, but the fact that he didn't want to die made him hesitate. Sure, he had no future and nowhere to go, but Matthew didn't want anything anymore. He was empty and already dead. Anything that resembled life in him was just a twitch of his already cooling corpse, long gone. He went through the motions of acting like a person because he was obliged to and even that consumed more energy than he had to spare.
He didn't want anything, nothing appealed to him. Each day passed with the length of an hour and he let it, moving at the speed of flicking through an animated notebook. Days passed in a blink. Weeks fell through his hands like grains of sand. There was no grasping reality, no taking his life into his own hands. Everything went by him, faster and faster.
But he yearned. He yearned to live. To feel alive. Maybe that's why it had hurt so bad when it felt like he was a bird with clipped wings. He wanted to experience life to the fullest and here he was allowing himself to be held back. Restrained and pinned down by everyone in his life and once upon a time the weight had been comforting but now it was silent agony, stealing his breath and leaving him suffocating. He hated himself for ever even thinking it could be comforting.
Matthew wanted to live and be alive. But Matthew didn't know how to live. He could see others do it so effortlessly but he didn't know how to attain that. It was like everyone but him had the courage to jump off a cliff because they saw sparkling blue water with no rocks below. But for Matthew, that cliff was a chasm of uncertainty and he couldn't see the bottom.
Everyone else was jumping. He was wasting time. They cheered as they jumped. There was no hesitation but Matthew didn't understand it at all. He had spent so long helping everyone jump and drying them off once they got out of the water he had no idea what it was like to be the one jumping. He became so busy with helping everyone else that he forgot he had the opportunity to jump. The ability to.
He wanted to jump, didn't he? But he had left it so long that it intimidated him and he didn't know what to expect. Everyone knew how to jump and he didn't. Was it just ingrained in them? Was there something wrong with him because he didn't know how?
But he needed to. It was now or never and he couldn't forgive himself if past that dark chasm was his own sparking blue water. He needed to be in that sparking blue water. He wanted it more than oxygen and any tears he had were sparkling blue. When he stared at his reflection with contempt in the mirror all he could see in his eyes were sparkling blue.
Besides, if he jumped, that chasm would protect him. No one would see where he went then he would be free. It would mean that he couldn't go back and he could only keep moving forwards. He needed to take the plunge because as much as he wanted to be free he wanted to escape.
Matthew weighed it up. Yes. He'd give up everything he had until this point, everything he had been working for all his life and he'd throw it away and waste it if that meant he could succeed and he could fly. If he pulled it off, it would be worth it.
But he still stood on the edge.
He supposed he could kill himself. Blatantly, it brought him comfort to think that no matter what, he could just die.
But if he was going to die, he might as well jump first. Because if he was going to die then what did it matter? Jump.
It was nothing personal. It never had been for them. Matthew would have some fond memories... and a lot of tarnished ones. There was no wool over his eyes. He could see there was nothing for him here if he stayed. He never belonged to begin with and he could finally see that here, with them was not his place. If he even had a place. He was out of breath from chasing and now he needed to refill his lungs with some clean air.
It wasn't enough for him to stay here and continue to live out his days in the background. Always a second thought and chasing love from those who meant the world to him... but... just couldn't even spare him anything.
He still loved them and it left him torn. Because he wanted to hate them more than he loved them. And he did. He hated them. But he also felt nothing. He didn't care at all. But he loved them. Despite knowing how he should feel, he was disappointed in himself for not treating them like the vultures they were.
But he'd always be fond of them because, above all, he knew how to love. Even if 'love' meant tearing himself apart piece by piece. He'd let them pick at his flesh, his very being until there was nothing left. They'd eat away at him until there was nothing left yet he still held on day by day despite how tired he was as he was stripped. If it meant to set himself on fire just to keep them warm.
Above all, he was forgiving. Good thing for that otherwise even a worm would turn. People saw him as docile and would never fear he would get fed up and could never get pushed too far. He stayed docile for them and it was never worth it. But he couldn't retaliate. All Matthew could do was turn on himself.
Matthew knew how to love everyone but himself, something he knew was impossible to learn in a suffocating and mundane environment... so he couldn't blame himself for how he turned out. He really did try his best and even if others could do better...
Matthew had tried to make peace that he had tried the best he could with the hand he was dealt. Life wasn't fair and he ended up with shit cards. But throwing away the cards was an option. He could drop them and he wouldn't have to play with them anymore.
Matthew was wasting time. When the 'nothing' feeling went away he was filled with the very sharp and demanding feeling of 'it's time to act, now'. He felt like an animal, with no thoughts only impulses. There was no saying 'no' and there never had been. He had never been allowed to.
But he had. He had always been allowed to say 'no' to himself.
Please say yes. Matthew pleaded with himself to put himself first, just for once and not feel guilty about it. Please do something that no one else would ever do for you. Care for yourself because no one ever fucking would.
The sharp urge calling him to act wouldn't release him. It took over his body and he couldn't be still. Not anymore. He needed to go. A raging fire had been lit by the fanatic urge that had possessed his body and the fire was closing in, pushing him forward and preventing him from going back, preventing him from staying. Pushing him towards a bridge that could only be crossed once and then he could never come back.
Why would he want to come back? He hated it here. He hated him here. He wanted to burn everything.
Matthew couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't. It was time to act and he was ready. He had to go now.
So he did it. There was something scarier than the chasm and the canyon of unknown comforted him with its siren's calls. Matthew couldn't resist. He didn't want to try. There was nothing to fight for here, he wasn't about to dig his heels in an attempt to stay. The pull was stronger than anything he had felt in his life and it invigorated him with promises of hope and change and was the only thing on his mind as he prepared for lift-off.
Matthew took the plunge.