[Dear Mattie

It's been a month since we've discovered you're gone. So two months since you left. I feel so so gross about it and sometimes I can't even eat because thinking about you being gone forever is really depressing. But then other times I think AS IF it's gonna last forever because it can't, right? And it just doesn't feel real, like this could be some weird dream or nightmare.

I've been thinking about it for a while but I thought writing in a diary would help. I could turn it into a 'chronicles of letters to my long lost twin!' not that anything I write would leave this dairy. It stays between us, alright? Cus I'm good at keeping secrets. I could've kept any secret you told me and I really wish you told me.

Anyways writing's kinda fun so I'll tell you about the stuff that's happened. I bet you're wondering what happened after you left and how everyone found out. That's what I'd be wondering if I just vanished into thin air! But I could never stay away from all the juicy drama. I'd just be keeping tabs to find out lol

Anyways I can tell you about it when we see you again. We found out you left early October so your record is one month-ish. That's definitely longer than I would've gone. Arthur's been on my ass nearly every single day since so I know he'd notice if I left. I'm tempted to get my phone disconnected because when I'm in class I've been having to put my phone on silent cus he just calls whenever he feels like it. Okay, it sounds like I'm bitching and he calls a lot but he just calls to ask if I'm coming straight home or going out or whatever I'm doing. He leaves me alone once he knows so it's not that bad I guess but I'm kinda tempted to have my phone disconnected just to prank him lol. I'm not gonna do it though. I can imagine you here saying 'nuh uh don't do that he's just trying to plan things' and so I won't do it. For you.

Anyways my hands kinda cramping now so love you bye!

From Alfred]

[Hey Mattie! I'm sure you're wondering what's happening here!

I'm still studying business stuff and I haven't dropped out like Arthur said when I applied. He thought I was gonna get bored or find it hard and drop it but here I am proving him wrong! And it's not just so I can say all the funny meme things like 'business is booming' but it'll definitely be a really cool benefit. Imagine me walking in with a suit and briefcase and I slap it down and say 'lets get down to business' and put on a pair of shades. It'd be funny trust me.

Arthur's still Arthur. He still drinks tea. I don't know what to say. I've been seeing a lot more of him now and he keeps asking about how I'm doing with my study and stuff it's kinda annoying like is he just waiting for me to give into the pressure or something? Cus to quote Mrs Trunchball from Matilda 'something about a test of character and I HAVE character' so Arthur can suck it when I don't fail. It's not that hard anyway tbh.

Anyways I don't know if you want to hear about our friends/mostly my friends ig which um

But I'll tell you anyway because I'm kinda putting off study to do this.

Francis (of course I start with him haha) changed jobs from whatever cafe he was at to studying at a restaurant? Something apprenticeship thing. Now Arthur's getting mad because we keep going to the restaurant when Francis's working to eat and Arthur thinks it's a waste of money. Suit himself I guess. Anyways it's been good for Francis because he keeps talking about how he's networking and stuff so he's set.

Gil and Toni still haven't figured out what they want to do which is fair cus there's a lot of options to chase so how could they pick just one? And it's not like they're unemployed cus they have jobs and now they're talking about trying to get a part time job where Francis works now. If they do that's more of an excuse for me to hang out there too!

Actually nevermind my eyes hurt to much from staring at words on paper all day so I'm gonna quit and continue l8r

3 Love Alfred]

[Dear Mattie

I forgor I didn't finish telling you the story of what happened when we realised so I'll do it now.

Basically, Gilbert's had a big fat embarrassing crush on you this whole time. I honestly didn't realise otherwise I would've tried to set you guys up. Not that I would've set you up if you didn't want it so that's why I'd ask weird questions first. Anyways, Gil finally got the nerve since we graduated and things are different now. He kept stopping by hoping to catch you and apparently his plan was to become friends properly before asking you out but then one day he wanted your number and since you weren't there Arthur told Gil to write a note and when Arthur went to put it in your room he found out.

Also I'm very impressed with how clean your room is now. I don't think I could ever clean all the shit out of my room cus Arthur says I hoard a lot of shit. But I really wanna know if you took it all with you? Cus that would've been a big hassle.

Anyways were were all freaking out so we snooped through your room for clues like Scooby doo style. Obviously I'm Fred and Francis is Daphne (because you know why obviously). But I don't know who Gil and Toni would be. I definitely wouldn't say Velma lol.

I forgor to tell you who was there. Francis was already there because his oven's apparently shit and he wants to test recipes or something. He's been over a looooot and I haven't gotten that much study done tbh, pls don't tell Arthur. Gil and Toni came for you and unfortunately Arthur just lives here. Arthur didn't snoop in your room until later but we'll get there.

We found some weird things and some depressing things. I found your artbook and I really hope you don't mind that we had a peek. You're art's really good though and I hope parts weren't ripped out because you don't think your art was shit! I know I didn't say it enough but you're really amazing you know? And Gil thinks you're awesome (obviously). Apparently whenever he'd been zoning out he was staring at how your hair looked soft. (I don't blame him, I really really like the way Francis's hair bounces around it's really cute and he's so pretty. Did I tell you I like him? Fuck, I hope I did! I only told a few people but since graduating everything's been a blur I kinda forgor who I told and who just somehow knew and who doesn't anyway) how embarrassing for Gil what a simp.

Anyway, we also rifled through your bin like raccoons and found your grad certificate so what's up with that? Did Arthur not offer to frame yours too? Also we read the diary things in the bin and I don't know why they were there but hope you don't mind. Arthur has those and your artbook now and he won't tell me where it is. That's really unfair because it isn't his and now I can't ask anymore because I kept asking and it would keep turning into arguments and it's gotten so bad that I can't bring it up at all now! It's really fucking annoying and at this point I might just have to snoop for them.

Oh yeah he also has the note you left Kuma and he won't let anyone see that. I don't really want to see it again but well I just thought you should know. Also Kuma's in your room on your bed just in case you want to come back.

My hands cramping again so maybe I'll make this a series

3, Alfred]

[Heyo Mattie

I'm just bored right now. I'm up to date with all my work/study because Francis helped me while he waiting on some muffins (they were walnut and banana bread and maple syrup and really good, I know you would've liked them cus maple syrup) so there's that. Then we were being silly and talking shit back and forth and he told me that I'm a human trash can because I'll eat anything that goes in my mouth and then I told him I would literally eat anything he cooked up and not just because my standards for food are so damn low like he jokes (And Arthur too but fuck Arthur). Then Francis said that his standards can't be low because he spends so much time with me and then he winked and sheesh, then he asked if his food was really that good and I told him I would never turn down anything he offered and he said 'is that so?' in a weird voice and I said 'bet' in the same weird voice and then he said he'd give me anything as long as I accept and then I ruined it by saying 'I'm fat af there's nothing I won't eat' and Francis just kinda hummed and then we stopped talking like that. It didn't make the rest of the day weird but still I feel like I ruined it ahhhhhhhhhhhh helpppp I'd talk to this if you were here and you'd give me advice I need help I keep repeating it in my mind ahhhh cringe

I think Imma go cook something to eat now because I keep blushing thinking about it and can't sit still so byeee

Love Alfred]

[Helllooooo again Mattie

Aftermath: part 3!

It got late and we didn't know what to do so everyone had a sleepover in the spare room and me and Arthur shared his bed. Also everyone but Arthur was drunk lmao. Then in the morning Arthur snooped in your room because I guess he didn't think we did good enough and he found Kuma. Anyways we all got pretty panicked when we read the note (we was me and Arthur) don't worry we didn't let anyone else see it except for the cops but don't worry no one's seen it since. I know you're a private person and I feel bad for reading it because it was for Kuma so maybe I'll just pretend I never read it.

Yeah we went to the cops to report you missing and Arthur was really worried that you could be dead. But we know your not dead and you have no reason to be dead so yeah we all know you're alive and didn't go to live on a farm (I'm joking lol but still).

Then we went home to do more detective work but didn't find anything and then we had another sleepover cus we were kinda tired. It wasn't really that interesting and I can't really remember most of it tbh.

Anyway we've been keeping our eyes peeled on the news and keeping an eye out for you. By news I don't mean TV news just that how was it you were able to vanish and not one person knew? It's only a matter of time before someone figures something out and then we'll be onto you! Just you wait, you can't hide forever and whether you like it or not we're coming for you! Why'd you think you could get rid of us? So until we meet again!

Love Alfred]

[Hey Mattie

It's been a couple of months and now it's finally settling in and I don't know why it took until now to believe it but you're actually gone. Like gone gone and you're not coming back. And you're not popping up to idk just reappear or check in or visit or phone home or anything. It actually hurts a lot and now I can't concentrate in class because I just get so caught up thinking about it

I'm sorry I gotta go shower or something idk

- Al]

[Mattie

Is Gil the reason you left? Because if he is then I'm just gonna beat the fucking shit out of him. Did he make you feel uncomfortable because he was always staring and then when he talked to you he was always so weird and when he was trying to show off maybe that was annoying for you but idk because I just didn't talk to you so maybe I should beat myself up and I'll beat Arthur up to and everyone and FUCK I'm just so mad and I don't know why! I just want to know who's fault this is! Why couldn't you have at least blamed someone!?

Ugh I

Sorry to rant but it's not like you're gonna read any of this.

- Alfred]

[Hey Mattie

I couldn't sleep again so I was burning my eyes out on my phone. Don't tell Arthur ha ha. But I was looking back through old photos because I really needed to see you but then I just couldn't find you in any. Or if I did they weren't nice or you were in the background or something stupid like that. But now I feel like shit because how comes I just don't have lots of photos of you?

I could only find like 3 decent photos and they weren't ones I took. Maybe it meant that when we were hanging out we were so in the moment that we just forgot to take photos? Cus I know we did hang out but yeah I wish we hung out more.

But then I asked some friends about it and made them look through their photos and there's just not that many of you and then we talked about the moments the photos were taken and we couldn't really remember if you were there or not or what you were doing. Were we excluding you? Did you feel left out? I really really hope you didn't feel like that because it makes me sick to think that you could've felt like that this whole time and we just didn't notice. I promise we didn't mean to exclude you and we all miss you but I guess it's too late now

Love Alfred]

[Dear Mattie

Aftermath part 4 because I really should get it all out.

So since you left we haven't done much to investigate because where the hell can we look? We did check all the nearby colleges though and couldn't find you at all so I guess you left the state? Or maybe you didn't go to college at all and that's okay! Not everyone needs to go to college so I hope you didn't leave because you didn't want to look like a failure or something! I really just don't know why you left tbh it's not that, is it?

Anyways, Arthur said we can't do anything but wait and he didn't seem happy about it. Playing detective wasn't as fun as I thought it was and all we know is you're not dead. Probably/hopefully. The investigation that we're doing isn't exactly 'active' but sometimes when we're all hanging out you'd get brought up and we'd ask everyone if there's anything new but there never is.

If you come back we'll make it up to you I promise. We all miss you and it really feels weird not to have my own twin around. I get that maybe one day we would've had different things going on in life and moved out and stuff but I really really would've thought that we'd stay in contact because you're my twin brother and you're supposed to be my best friend and now I feel so shitty because I wasn't a best friend to you and now I don't have you at all and it hurts because you just left?! Like you don't even need me but now I feel like shit because I really really need you.

I love so so much and I really hope you know that. I hope you didn't leave because you didn't know.

Love from Alfred]

[Mattie I'm so sorry.

I just realised I never actually said it in any of my letters and I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I think about it all the time and I'm just so sorry. I wish I could tell you in person and hug you and be the bro I was supposed to be but trust me all I've been doing is thinking about all the ways we've hurt you and I know I fucked up big time. It just kept getting worse and worse as I realised more shit and if it was happening to me I know it would fuck me up. And I want you to know I don't blame you for it fucking you up because you were trapped weren't you cus you could tell us even though I really wish you did.

I wanna tell you in person and when I see you again it'll be the first thing I say because I am so sorry and I never wanted to hurt you but I did.

I'm so sorry and I just can't say it enough.

3 I love you, love Alfred]

[Hey Mattie

I've actually got 2 updates (well one thing and an update on that thing) I just didn't write the first one so you're getting both now. Sorry in advance cus this is coming out rly fast and Ive had some drinks.

So I had a fight with Gilbert. Okay, I won't lie and say it was no big deal because it was. We were actually going to fight with our fists instead of just yelling so he's lucky it didn't come to that cus I would've won, obviously.

But yeah it was kinda ugly and I feel bad about it now that it's all over. But we were actually fighting about you. NOT that it's your fault but remember how I said he had a crush on you? Well I said he was selfish and shallow and shit like that to have been crushing on you because if he liked you he mustn't have actually liked you that much because he wasn't actually paying attention because if he was he could've saved you. I know that it was mean and unfair now but at the time I was just really really angry that he didn't like you enough and I told him it's a good thing he never told me he liked you because I would've never let him near you because clearly his crush wasn't as wholesome

Yeah, I said a lot of things I'm embarrassed to admit but it's not like anyone will read this. I was just mad because he could've saved you! Anyone could've saved you & it's just so annoying to think about & it hurts.

But everyone thought I'm mad at myself & obviously that's true! Of course I hate myself for it. Because I should've loved you enough to have noticed & to have payed attention but I wasn't and & I feel like it's my fucking fault!

Anyways we got stopped from fighting which I was pretty pissed off about but ig it was for the best & ig was unfair for everyone else. We were having dinner at Toni's so his whole family was there and somehow we started fighting. I don't remember what happened before but I know that after was really awkward. Arthur would like to think that it was something he said that made me stop because the whole time he was yelling trying to break us up but honestly his yelling just made me wanna fight more and fight him too. Lovi was screaming too but what's new? So he didn't really help or hurt the fight.

What really made me stop was because Feliciano got upset & started fucking crying which was a real mood killer lmao. I can laugh now but I felt really guilty but then we started fighting again because I told Gilbert he had made Feliciano cry and he said it was my fault so yeah it just kept going. But then what made the fight stop for good was Toni and Francis stepping in and I don't know how they did it but somehow they made us feel like we were being stupid without making us want to fight them. It was actually kinda scary cus it was like they were that stern teacher you never want to mess with and I never want to see it again. Now I'm just glad they didn't think we were assholes (even if we were being assholes). Okay maybe I was just worried Francis might think I was an asshole but still, we stopped fighting so that's all that matters, right?

Anyways me and Arthur went home and Arthur and I kinda argued cus he was disappointed and that he actually blamed everyone, including him and me so I got angry about that even though he was right. Now that some time has passed I get why he blames everyone and himself too and now I feel bad for him because Arthur yeah he should've been paying attention but there were so many people closer to you who should've been paying attention, like me your literal twin and Gilbert for crushing on you and everyone who went to school and knew you

Anyways point is that Arthur's an adult adult unlike us and he had an excuse, unlike us. But he still should've could've fuck I really hate those words now

Anyways, update, this next part is the last part and things have been okay since. Basically Antonio/Arthur/Francis pulled through and forced us to sit next to each other and told us that we were just blaming each other and that even if we were right to want to blame it was wrong to say it because it hurts instead of helps. I thought it was really stupid at the time and so we refused to cooperate so they locked us in the basement until we said sorry and hugged and shit. We were both stubborn but we didn't want to stay in the basement because they took our phones so we broke after an hour.

Then that night me and Gil hung out at that playground down the road that we used to go to as kids and had some drinks together and I was actually sorry cus I had thought about it all day and he was sorry too. I told him that I only blamed him because I didn't want to blame myself and I shouldn't act like it was solely his fault and I understood that he might not have noticed anything going on with you because he was looking at you with lovesick eyes or whatever. Like how I look at Francis. I mean, I'd probably notice if something was happening to Francis because ? why wouldn't I but if Francis was hiding it then maybe I wouldn't notice...

I mean, you might not have been hiding it and if that was the case then why didn't I notice?

He said sorry because I said what he was thinking and he just said shit back because that's how fights go and he wanted to hurt me like I was hurting him. Tbh I don't remember all we said cus it was a bit stressful emotional, you know how it is, but we're friends again. Cus we're stubborn and always gonna be friends and I'd really hate to lose him as a friend. I really need my friends now more than ever.

Anyways, this has gotten long and my hand is cramping so bad. I hope you're proud of how mature I am lol but betcha didn't want all this drama though.

3, Alfred]