Monday, July 23

Darcy finished his last scheduled call for the day and was just beginning to tackle his inbox again when he heard a car turn into the driveway. A glance through the window above his desk told him it was Lizzie. Given the location of his room, he often saw her return after a day of…well, until yesterday he hadn't known exactly how she spent her days, but maintaining a vlog and documenting it for her thesis were surely time-consuming.

"I mean, what does he do with his life?" he remembered Lizzie asking in the video with all the insults. The question was rhetorical, for she had already determined how someone like him spent his days: "He probably uses his money to lounge around all day in $5000 boxers watching BBC miniseries with people he pays to be his friends because no sane human being could actually put up with him." The charge was easily refuted and would have been laughable coming from anyone but Lizzie. Even she knew better now; the costume theater scene he had interrupted had shown Bing urging him to stop working and instead socialize with his friends.

Others of her charges were more vague and consequently harder to disprove. "It's like he's purposely dooming himself to be alone for life," for example, as she had said in a recent video. What could he say to that, except that it was wholly and cruelly untrue?

He rewatched that video* against his better judgment. There had been no costume theater this time but rather a game show Lizzie dubbed "Darceny" in which she quizzed Caroline over their recent conversation about what made a woman accomplished. That was unusual, he now realized. Today's video featured costume theater again, so apparently this had been a one-time deviation. Strange.

Equally strange was her exact memory of his words. To Caroline's recollection of "courteous, selective, well-read, at least an advanced degree, and an appreciation for arts that doesn't include Hollywood movies or popular music," Lizzie had added the remaining "physically fit, fluent in more than one language, up to date on current affairs, fiscally responsible, a charitable nature, and a talent for something other than watching reality television."

Lizzie evidently thought he had been listing his requirements for a potential girlfriend, and had mockingly concluded that such a woman did not exist. She wasn't entirely wrong, he supposed. He had in fact been answering her challenge to define what qualified someone as having their life together, but there was of course considerable overlap with what he looked for in a woman.

He wanted more than just a woman who was well-adjusted, however. That she be of his social class was his family's expectation and his own. It was simpler that way. He did not want to risk his heart with someone who might be more interested in his wealth than in him. Someone of another socioeconomic background would also struggle to understand his responsibilities, as Lizzie had when she assumed after a single encounter that he had none. But above all that, he wanted true compatibility, a woman who valued authenticity and family as much as he did. Who challenged and stimulated him. A woman he could trust with his heart, his past, his dreams for the future—with whom he could labor to build their future.

Did that doom him to being alone for life? Maybe. It was not a pleasant prospect, but there were worse things in life than being single.

But that was beside the point. The point was, Lizzie had interpreted his description as personal criticism and had taken offense. Apparently she thought he shouldn't have standards, which was hypocritical because she herself had them. Her videos proved it.

She had standards for behavior. Her mother didn't measure up, nor did Lydia.

She had standards for how idealistic one should be about one's career and future. Charlotte didn't measure up.

She had standards for the pace at which a relationship should progress. Jane's swift romance with Bing didn't measure up.

Most hypocritically of all, she had standards for men too. He had, again despite his better judgment, poked around her Youtube channel after their conversation last night and happened upon a Q&A video in which she described what she looked for in a man. And, not that it mattered, he had noticed that he matched every item on her list.

But what if he hadn't?

The question gave him pause. What if Lizzie had countered his list of the attributes he valued in a woman with her list of attributes for a man? And what if she'd said her ideal man would be outgoing, charming, as adept in social situations as herself, or any number of characteristics he lacked?

He would have been piqued, would have felt insulted. Just as Lizzie had.

Another mortifying discovery soon followed, for in fairness, he had to admit Lizzie had much more reason to feel insulted than he would have. Her video reminded him that the conversation had been framed as whether the women here were accomplished, and she and Jane were clearly the women here whom he knew best. He hadn't intended his words in that way any more than he had intended "decent enough" to hurt her. But it had, regardless of his intent.

Lizzie felt she didn't measure up to his list. From her facial expression, "fiscally responsible" rankled; perhaps other items did as well. And why wouldn't they? She thought he had been scrutinizing her these past weeks, and she was right. She thought he looked at her only to find fault, and had he not looked for flaws to counter his growing fascination with her? The faults he had detected then were more in her family and financial situation than in herself. Her videos certainly showed her to be more personally flawed than he'd realized…yet somehow it bothered him that she might feel herself lacking.

It wasn't just her though. Lizzie believed no one could match his list. Caroline had suggested that Gigi did, but she had not seen her since…since Wickham. Darcy inhaled a shaky breath as he recalled the last time he'd seen his sister. Gigi was…fragile, wracked by doubts and self-reproach, her old vivacity achingly absent. No one would call her well-put-together right now, but he didn't care about that. He loved her unreservedly and rejoiced at each bit of progress Fitz felt he could share with him.

If Gigi didn't match that list, at least for now, who did?

Fitz didn't. He watched every reality cooking show he could find, primarily because he loved cooking but also, Darcy suspected, because he enjoyed needling his friend with the latest happenings.

Bing didn't, for he would never be selective in whom he allowed into his life, not to mention that his ongoing identity crisis over med school meant he might never earn an advanced degree.

Caroline didn't, lacking, among other things, a charitable nature.

Did he match his own list?

The question was breath-taking. Surely he did, for had he not always prided himself on what he was accomplishing and who he was becoming? Yet after the last two days, how could he claim to be courteous?

Darcy stood abruptly and began pacing his room. It was all happening too fast. He needed to consider, and not allow himself to be run away with…whatever this fearsome mixture of humiliation and doubt was. He paced for some time, but to his dismay he found his questions proliferating.

Was Lizzie right? And if she was right about this, what else might she have been right about?

An impulse stirred him, and before he could quash it he texted Fitz. Am I a snob?

Yes.

Quick and direct, the response made him blink.

Full of myself?

Um…sometimes. Why?

Dooming myself to be alone for life?

His phone rang within seconds.

"So I am a snob," he said flatly, forgoing a greeting.

"I'm gonna answer that with a question. Did you or did you not tell me that you disapprove of the word 'OK'?"

He frowned. "Not the word, just its etymology. It originated** in a fad for intentionally misspelling words and then abbreviating them. That is ludicrous."

"Aaaaand I've made my point."

Darcy made no reply, and Fitz dropped the teasing. "Ok seriously, what's going on? Did Gigi say that stuff about you back when…?"

"No. It was…no one you know."

"Uh-huh. And what is her name?"

The assumption made him bristle. "That is not important."

"Fine. So the lovely but outspoken Ms. X just up and told you that you're doomed to be alone for life?"

"Not exactly. But she despises me. Thoroughly. And…I think she might be partially right."

Fitz gave a low whistle. "What exactly happened?"

He began to recount briefly what had happened yesterday, the revelation of what she thought of him and why. His explanation was as disordered as his thoughts, and he had not spoken long before Fitz interrupted.

"Wait, wait, you mean she didn't say this stuff to your face but to the whole internet instead?"

"She is a graduate student in mass communications. She vlogs as part of her thesis."

"So her thesis is gonna be about how much she hates you? And she's actually living in the same house…dude, I hate to say it, but this girl sounds like bad news. Are you sure she's not digging around for some kind of exposé?"

Darcy gave a brittle laugh. "No, it's nothing like that. And you said yourself that she was right to call me a snob. I'm just not describing it very well."

"Hey, no worries, it's hard to talk about stuff like this. Just…maybe start from the beginning?"

The beginning. The Gibson wedding. Their acquaintance and Lizzie's animosity had begun there. He was about to try again when a thought occurred. "Why don't I let her start from the beginning? That is, if you don't mind watching her videos?"

"Sure thing. Except for one little problem."

"Which is?"

"I don't know her name."

"Lizzie Bennet," he said intrepidly. Naming her meant there was no going back. Not that Fitz would have let him off the hook at this point, but still…

"All right, I am on it. And Darcy?"

"Yes?"

"You're a loyal and loving dude, so don't let Lizzie's disdain get you down."

That wrung a chuckle from him. "I appreciate the sentiment. The alliteration I will tolerate."

Fitz grumbled good-naturedly. "Oh, and check your Twitter. Gigi's gonna get worried if you don't answer her soon. Fitz Williams out!"

What was this about Gigi? Darcy quickly navigated to Twitter. He had ignored all notifications since yesterday after realizing that most came from Lizzie's viewers. Now he saw Gigi's tweet from this morning: Hi! Miss you. Having fun with bingliest and that_caroline?

She missed him. That was not something she would have said even a few weeks ago. Reading the words made the tightness in his chest loosen a little. Well, it has been illuminating. How are you? Is everything OK?

She must have had her phone handy, because she replied in less than a minute. I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me. :)

Somebody has to.

Everything's great. Doing some advance reading for the English Lit class I'm taking next semester.

And I have a whole new bunch of twitter followers. Not sure why.

Understanding was only moments in coming. Caroline had mentioned Gigi in Lizzie's video last week. Small wonder that the more avid viewers had tracked her down. He only hoped she would not find the videos herself, for some of the content would distress her. I got the same a few weeks ago. They're nothing to worry about.

Then I won't :)

Darcy closed his laptop after she signed off; clearly he would get no more work done today. Bing had knocked on the door midway through his conversation with Fitz, announcing dinner, but Darcy had waved him off. They would still be eating now, but Darcy wasn't hungry and had no desire to join them. Perhaps another bike ride would help clear his mind.

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I know some readers were confused initially when Darcy seemed harsh and proud in his reaction to Lizzie and her videos, dwelling on her faults without recognizing his own. That was intentional on my part. Discovering the videos at this early stage, before he loves Lizzie or has been rejected by her—I just thought it more realistic that his initial gut response is anger and hurt but not necessarily self-reflection. Plus, I enjoyed the opportunity to explore Darcy's character before he starts to change. I would love to hear your thoughts on Darcy's epiphany in this chapter!

* youtube dot com /watch?v=kobsKwCbXHY

**Yes, the etymology of "ok" really is that strange! etymonline dot com /word/ok