Chapter 22: Feelings
"Elizabeth!"
He had said the name to himself a million times in the past two days.
The next day after the Ashtons left Pemberley, Georgiana, and Darcy visited Ashton Park. Darcy wanted to see Elizabeth as much as Georgiana did. She was too naïve to understand the feelings of her brother.
"Oh! I am glad you are coming along. Do you have plans with Lord Philip," she asked him without the slightest doubt.
"I do not have fixed plans," Darcy said, unable to think of any excuse to be at Ashton Park.
Lady Martha was surprised to see them.
"Well, my dear! I am glad you came. The children have been bored," Lady Martha said upon their arrival.
"Are they not studying?" Georgiana asked, as it was mid-morning.
"No, Miss Smith seems to be unwell. She is resting."
"What happened? Has the doctor seen her yet?" Darcy cried without a thought.
"She has a headache. I hope she will be better tomorrow. Otherwise, I will call for the doctor." Lady Martha replied with a raised eyebrow.
Darcy struggled to compose himself. Georgiana was equally worried.
"Oh, dear! Could I see her?" she asked.
"I could ask her maid and see if she is asleep."
By the time Lord Philip joined them.
"Fitzwilliam, I am so glad you are here. I have some business with the steward this morning, and I would welcome your assistance in the matter," he said.
Darcy did not want to leave the room. He wanted to know how Elizabeth was, but he had no choice. He left along with Lord Philip.
Elizabeth had felt unwell since she had read the letter. She could not sleep the previous night, and was relieved when Lady Martha asked her to rest for the day.
She read the letter over and over again.
She weighed all the possibilities of the context of the letter her father had written to her mother. After contemplating for a long time, she concluded that he had written it to settle matters when he became aware of her condition.
He declares he loved her. But easily asks her to marry someone else. How could he say that when she was carrying his child? It was so easy for him to compensate for his fault with money. No wonder my mother wanted to do nothing with him. That must be the reason why she did not mention his identity. She must have been devasted to have trusted such a man.
He mentions love. I wonder if he even knew the meaning of it.
She was tormented by her situation. She wished she had never discovered the letter.
She felt guilty for neglecting the children.
Her maid informed her that Georgiana had come to call on her.
"Lady Ashton wants to know if you would like Miss Darcy to visit you. She told me not to disturb you incase you were asleep."
"Oh!"
The maid waited for an answer. Elizabeth suddenly wondered whether Darcy had accompanied her.
"Yes! I would be happy to meet Miss Darcy," she said. She got out of bed.
The maid left and brought Georgiana along. The moment the door opened, Georgiana rushed to Elizabeth's side.
"I am sorry to trouble you, Miss Smith. But I could not leave without seeing you," she said to Elizabeth.
"How are you feeling?"
"I am better. I am glad you came."
"Lady Martha said you felt unwell since yesterday. Did you not sleep well at Pemberley?"
"Oh! I did. I do not know why. Sometimes I get these headaches. I am certain I will feel better tomorrow."
"I hope so. The children seem bored. It is indeed surprising to see children of their age feel sad about missing their lessons. Even now, I feel happy to miss my lessons."
Elizabeth laughed at Georgiana's innocent declaration.
"I miss them too."
"Fitzwilliam and I will keep them company for a while."
Elizabeth looked at Georgiana with surprise. So, he has come. She was glad that she was unwell and did not have to face him.
Georgiana stayed for a few minutes and left Elizabeth, not wanting to disturb her for long.
Darcy hardly paid attention to Lord Philp's discussion with his steward. He was impatient to know how Elizabeth was fairing.
Once the discussion was over, he hurried back into the parlor.
Georgiana had returned. The children were also present.
"How is Miss Smith fairing?" he asked Georgiana in a formal tone.
"She still has a headache. But she said she is much better."
The children surrounded Darcy, and he led them out into the garden. He played with them for a while. After refusing to stay for dinner, Georgiana and Darcy left.
Darcy did not want to spend more time there, fearing his countenance would betray his feelings. He felt agitated not being able to see her.
On the way back to Pemberley, Georgiana noticed his displeasure. She was suddenly worried that she disapproved of something she did.
"Are you worried about something?" she asked him with hesitation.
"No. Why do you ask?"
"I can see you are upset. Did I…did I do something wrong?"
Darcy looked at the worried face of his sister.
"No. Why would you think that? I am sorry you could not spend more time at Ashton Park."
"I hope she feels better soon," Georgiana said.
Darcy was silent. He was no longer in doubt of his feelings towards her.
I love her. I cannot deny it anymore. I love Miss Smith.
He suddenly realized that he did not even know her Christian name. The realization shocked him. He had never heard anyone address her in any other way. He wa certain that his sister knew it.
"The children looked unhappy today," he mentioned to Georgiana, who was reading a book.
"Oh! I noticed too. They enjoy their lessons. I hope she will be better tomorrow to teach them."
"What is…What is her name?" he asked, unable to stop himself.
"Whose name?"
"Their governess, all of them call her Miss Smith. I assume she has become your close friend. You know her name, don't you?"
Georgiana laughed.
"Of course, brother. Her name is "Elizabeth". "Elizabeth Smith."
"Elizabeth", what a beautiful name. "Elizabeth".
"I have asked her to call me by my Christian name. I also wished to address her as Elizabeth. But she politely declined, citing that it would be improper for her to do so. I wish to address her so brother. It is such a beautiful name. Emily has named one of her dolls Elizabeth," she carried on, oblivious to Darcy's expression of happiness.
They returned home, and Darcy locked himself in his study.
He felt he had left his mind and heart in Ashton Park. He had gone with anticipation of meeting her, and hoping to converse with her.
What he wanted to say to her, he did not know.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth rested in her room. She understood from her maid that the Darcys had left.
"I hope you feel better soon, Miss Smith", her maid said as she brought her a tray for dinner.
Elizabeth was touched by the care and concern she received at Ashton Park.
I must not let the present and future be ruined because of my past. She vouched to herself to never read the letter again.
"How are the children, Lucy?"
"Oh! They have asked for you many times. But Lady Ashton told them not to diturb you. Their nanny is trying to keep them entertained. Mr. Darcy played with them for a while in the garden. He is very good with children," the maid said.
Elizabeth looked at her with curiosity.
"I was employed in Pemberley before," she said with a smile.
"Oh! I was unaware."
"Six months ago, I married Mr. Simon. He works here at the stable. Mr. Darcy allowed me to transfer here after that."
Elizabeth was puzzled. She had met the son of her maid many times. The boy is two years old.
"I understand why you are puzzled, Miss. You want to know about my boy."
"No! No! I do not mean to intrude."
"My boy was born before I got married to Mr. Simon. I was ruined by a man in the past. He promised to marry me and left me with a child."
"Good god! Was it someone in Pemberley?" Elizabeth asked in horror.
"No! No! He was a distant relative who stayed and came to visit my parents in Lambton. He absconded after he became aware of my condition."
Elizabeth felt sad for the poor girl.
"I was engulfed with shame and guilt. My parents were enraged. I was more scared to face Mr. Darcy, as I had worked in Pemberley for three years as the housekeeper's maid."
"Was he …was he angry?"
"Yes, but not as you think. He was angry that someone cheated me so. He tried his best to find that man. But he was not to be found. My parents forced me to leave the village and have the baby elsewhere. But Mr. Darcy took full responsibility for my well-being. Can you believe if I say I had my child in Pemberley?"
"Oh!"
"I did. They took such good care of me. I continued to work there. Then I met Mr. Simon. We got married."
"I am glad you found happiness. He must be a remarkable man."
"He is. I owe my current life and happiness to Mr. Darcy. He did not allow anyone to belittle me for my mistake. Mrs. Reynolds helped me to overcome my shame and guilt. I owe everything to them."
Hearing the maid's story made Elizabeth reflect on her assumptions about Darcy's character. She could not make anything of him to date.
Especially his behavior at Pemberley puzzled her.
Elizabeth felt well the next day and left for her morning walk. She contemplated whether to take her usual trail. She had met Darcy couple of times on that trail and decided to walk in the opposite direction.
She enjoyed the warmth of the beautiful morning, and within ten minutes, she saw a small stream in the trail. Elizabeth took a moment to rest and sat on one of the rocks.
The sound of the gurgling stream was comforting. When she got up to leave, she heard the sound of a rider. She turned around with worry to see if it was Darcy. She was glad it was not him.
The rider stopped upon seeing her. He seemed to be an older gentleman. Elizabeth failed to recognize him.
"Good morning, Miss. I seldom encounter anyone here at such an early hour," he said with a smile.
"Good morning, sir," she said, not wanting to prolong the conversation with a stranger.
As she began to walk, he called out to her.
"Are you from the village?"
"Why do you ask?"
"It seems a long walk from the village. I do not know where, but I recognize you from somewhere."
"I am not from the village, sir. Good day to you," she said, and walked back towards Ashton Park.
She reached the house and readied herself for the day.
She was happy to continue lessons with the children. She entered the breakfast parlor and was surprised to see Lady Ashton there.
She held Elizabeth's hand and greeted her.
"I am glad you are well, my dear. The children have been most anxious without your company. Are you certain you feel well?" she asked.
"I am well, madam. I went for a short walk and I feel a lot better."
Just then, a man entered the parlor, and Elizabeth was surprised to identify him as the same rider she had encountered that morning.
"Well! Well! We meet again," he exclaimed upon seeing Elizabeth.
Lady Ashton was confused.
"Miss Smith, allow me to introduce you to my brother Mr. Francis Anderson," Lady Martha continued, "this is Miss Smith. You may not need a further introduction. She is the wonderful governess I have written to you about in the past month."
Oh! He is her brother.
Elizabeth curtsied.
"It is good to meet you, sir," she said.
"It is good to meet you again, Miss Smith."
He quickly explained that they had met earlier that morning on the trail.
The rest of the family joined them for breakfast. Lady Ashton explained to Elizabeth that her brother's visit was a surprise to her.
"I thought he would not be here till Christmas. I am glad he came."
"Will his family join us? I assume he has a daughter. You mentioned your niece many times."
"Oh! That is my eldest brother, Mark. He has a daughter. Francis is the second in the family. I am the youngest. Francis is not married. I don't know why, but he never did. He lives in Scotland as well."
Elizabeth nodded. Mr. Anderson had a happy demeanor. She wondered why he did not marry.
He was to stay for a few weeks. Lady Martha seemed to be very happy with the arrival of her brother.
The next day the Darcys were invited to dine with them. Elizabeth tried to compose herself in anticipation of facing Darcy. The men were to join them after their outdoor engagements.
Georgiana arrived and informed me that Darcy was out with the men.
Elizabeth was happy to see her. She was touched by the young girl's affection and regard.
Lady Isabella said very less, and Elizabeth started to notice she looked less confident than before in the company of her mother-in-law.
She was always restless and often lost track of the conversation.
"Did you not hear what I just said?" Lady Martha asked in one such situation.
"Forgive me. I seem to have missed it," Lady Isabella replied.
" I asked if you were planning on attending the supper party at Mrs. Hamptons this weekend."
"Yes, of course."
"Alright then. Miss Smith, Mrs. Hampton has invited you as well to the party. You must accompany us."
Elizabeth was hesitant. It was not the first time she had accompanied the Ashtons to social engagements. Most acquaintances of Lady Martha included her in all their invites. They were cordial and respectful towards her. Elizabeth was not certain whether it was some for the sake of Lady Martha.
She neither enjoyed nor detested these engagements.
The men joined them for dinner. Elizabeth found it hard to meet Darcy in the eye. Darcy, on the other hand had spent restless time fishing with the others. He felt anxious to meet and talk to her.
He was seated right across Elizabeth at the table. She was vexed to see that his eyes were fixed on her whenever she looked in his direction.
What does he want? Why does he stare at me so?
She sat next to Georgiana, and Mr. Anderson sat to her left. Darcy wanted to talk to her. He did not dare to initiate conversation, fearing his own words. He took the opportunity to walk her and Georgiana to the drawing room after dinner.
Elizabeth locked her arms with him and composed herself.
"I hope you are feeling better, Miss Smith."
"Yes, I do. I thank you," she replied formally.
He could not say anything else. He relished the moments he had her close to him. The moment he let go of her, he felt the same pain he had felt when he handed her into the carriage some days ago. The party settled down the drawing room, and Mr. Anderson requested some music.
Lady Isabella played first.
"That was excellent, my dear," Lord Philip appreciated his wife. The rest joined in their praises. Darcy said nothing. His heart longed to hear Elizabeth play.
"Georgiana, why don't you and Miss Smith play a duet?" Lady Martha asked.
"Of course, we did try one last week," Georgiana exclaimed, feeling more comfortable to play along with Elizabeth.
Elizabeth had no choice but to comply.
They played together, and there was perfect harmony between them. There was thunderous applause after the performance ended.
"That was truly delightful," Mr. Anderson exclaimed.
"I agree. It was a beautiful performance," Darcy said in agreement. Georgiana and Elizabeth smiled at each other.
When they got up from the Pianoforte, Elizabeth was forced to take a seat next to Darcy, as Georgiana took her spot next to Lady Martha.
"You play remarkably well, Miss Smith. I have never seen my sister enjoy playing duets before," Darcy said with genuine admiration.
"Thank you, sir. I assure you the credit goes to Miss Darcy. She pressed me to practice this piece along with her."
"You do not like compliments, do you?"
Elizabeth looked at him, puzzled. There was a smile on Darcy's face. Elizabeth did not know what to reply.
"That is not entirely true. I assure you. Sometimes, I am reluctant to accept compliments when I am aware that I do not deserve them."
"So, you say you don't deserve any praise for your skills at the pianoforte."
"Yes, indeed. I have never dedicated time to practice like your sister or other women who want to excel in it. So, I do not think I deserve the praise."
"I disagree."
She raised her eyebrow.
"Nobody who has had the pleasure of hearing you would find anything wanting. I think you have employed your time in better ways. Whether you agree or not, Miss Smith, I have hardly listened to anything that gives me more pleasure than your music," he said with a gaze fixed on her.
Elizabeth stared at him in shock. Their conversation was interrupted by the arrival so the children.
When Darcy left that day, he knew one thing for certain. He had to act on his feelings. In a short period, he had understood that his feelings could not be changed, nor did he want them to be. He loved her and could not imagine himself finding a way to disregard the strongest admiration and regard he felt for her.
He only had one question in his mind.
What would people think if the master of Pemberley married a governess?