Chapter 23: Insight
"Which part of town were you raised in Miss Smith?" Mr. Anderson asked.
"Grace church street, sir," Elizabeth replied, hoping against hope that he would not enquire further.
"I see. I have never been there much. You see, I was raised in Scotland as well. Martha did not visit London until she was married. My father, you can say was not very welcoming of our pursuits to explore the world."
" Why would you say so?"
" He disapproved of us doing anything out of his purview, our education, pursuits, acquaintances everything was decided by him."
"I would not say that is uncommon."
Mr. Anderson laughed.
"You are right. But I hope the future generations are not so."
He paused.
"How are you liking life here?"
"Very much, sir. I enjoy teaching the children. Their progress gives me joy."
"I can see that. My sister is lucky to have found you. I can see you enjoy reading. I have never seen you without a book. I used to be like you when I was younger. I spent hours in the library, neglecting anything else asked to be done."
"And now?"
" To be honest, I do not. Not that I have family that needs me at every hour and time. It is just that it no longer gives me the pleasure it used to. I read, but not like before."
Elizabeth noticed some sadness in his voice. For a moment, he seemed to get carried away.
This was their conversation during breakfast.
That evening, she was to attend the supper party at Mrs. Hampton's house.
Elizabeth somehow felt unsettled when she dressed for the evening.
She wore an evening gown, in a light shade of blue. Her maid suggested she try something fancier for her hairstyle.
Elizabeth protested.
"But Miss, this is a fancy evening. You have such beautiful curls. Please let me work on them."
Finally, Elizabeth agreed.
Her maid worked on her hair and let a few curls cover the sides of her face.
"You look very beautiful," she said in admiration once done.
Elizabeth looked at her reflection in the mirror. She never really thought herself a beauty. Her mother had reminded her of it often.
But she felt her hairstyle made her look different. She felt a little conscious of her appearance. Maybe I can ask Lucy to redo my hair. She thought. But then, decided against it.
"Well! Well, I can see that your maid has worked on your hair differently. You look beautiful, my dear," Lady Martha exclaimed.
"Thank you, madam," Elizabeth said, feeling self-conscious.
Just then Lord Philip joined them.
"Where is Lady Isabella?" Lady Martha asked.
"Mother, she is unwell. She won't be joining us today."
"Is that so? I thought she was quite well when I saw her some time ago," Lady Martha exclaimed with a raised eyebrow.
"She has suddenly taken ill. I do not want to press her."
They decided to leave without Lady Isabella.
Elizabeth knew Darcy would be at the gathering. As much as she was excited to see Georgiana, she felt the opposite towards her brother.
The travel was short and they were amongst the few guests who arrived early. They were warmly greeted by Mrs. Hampton, who was one of Lady Ashton's close friends.
Elizabeth breathed a sigh of relief when she did not see Darcy in the gathering. She sat down with her party and composed herself.
Mr. Anderson sat beside her. She somehow felt comfortable in his company. He conversed with her on various subjects and listened intently to her views. After ten minutes she noticed Georgiana and Darcy enter. Georgiana searched for Elizabeth in the crowd.
"Brother, there."
She steered him in that direction. Darcy did not need any assistance from his sister. He had come to the gathering with the only intention of seeing Elizabeth. The moment he entered his eyes were drawn to her.
She was laughing at something Mr. Anderson had said.
She looked radiant in her evening gown and Darcy was captivated by her.
"You look beautiful," Georgiana exclaimed and she reached Elizabeth.
"Thank you. You as well, Miss Darcy," Elizabeth replied.
She curtsied to Darcy when everyone greeted each other.
"Where is Lady Isabella?" Georgiana asked.
"She felt unwell and could not join us."
"Oh! That is too bad."
"How are the children?"
"They are well. They seem to enjoy the company of Mr. Anderson."
"It is always cheerful when Mr. Anderson visits Ashton Park. Sometimes, I cannot believe Lady Sophia is no more."
"The children mention her so many times daily. I hardly know how to handle it," Elizabeth said with sadness.
"I have seen you handle their questions. I am certain no one can be so patient and affectionate towards them."
"They are wonderful children."
They had some refreshments and the music started.
" I do look forward to seeing you dancing, Miss. Smith," Georgiana said with excitement.
" I do not have the slightest intention to dance."
Elizabeth replied horrified at the thought of dancing at the gathering. Though she has been at several social gatherings along with the Ashton family, none had put her in a situation to dance.
" Oh! Why do you say that? Do you not enjoy dancing?"
" I don't detest it. But at the moment I do not think I favor the prospect," She replied nervously.
" What about you? Are you excited to dance?"
" Of course not. You see, I have danced at some family gatherings with my brother and cousin, even with Lord Philip. But never outside Pemberley."
"Oh! I see."
The party was informal and when the music started, the men came up to find their partners for a dance. Elizabeth and Georgiana walked to find something to drink.
Elizabeth noticed that the crowd had cleared to give the dancers some visibility.
Suddenly she turned around and came face to face with Darcy.
He looked at her keenly before he spoke.
"Miss Smith, if you are not otherwise engaged, would you do me the honor of dancing with me?" he asked.
Elizabeth was stunned beyond measure. She was in no mood to dance, especially with Darcy.
"I am ..I was not… I thank you, yes!" she replied unable to think of a plausible excuse.
Georgiana smiled at them both.
Darcy led Elizabeth to the center of the room.
Elizabeth noticed a few raised eyebrows, amongst the crowd. She caught Lady Martha's eye and she did not see any surprise on her countenance.
Why did he ask me to dance with him? What could this mean? He must have done it for his sister's sake.
When the music started, they joined the rest of the dancers. If at all she was uncomfortable, Elizbeth did not show it.
Darcy, on the other hand, relished every moment of gazing into her beautiful eyes.
She also caught the surprise look of many young women. He did not care. He loved her deeply, and there was no hesitation for him to seek her out.
The dance started, and Elizabeth moved along with Darcy, replaying all that happened between them in the past.
There was something in his eyes that unsettled her.
His gaze did something to her. She found it intimidating.
"We must have some conversation, Mr. Darcy."
" What do you suggest we converse about?"
" Well you could say something about the size of the room. I could talk about the weather. Then we may stay silent for the rest of the dance."
"Do you talk by rule while dancing?"
" I so not. But now, circumstances demand it. Well, we must, for your sister's sake."
" I do not have the pleasure of understanding you."
" Mr. Darcy, if I may speak plainly. I do know the reason you asked me to dance."
Darcy's heart skipped a beat.
Does she know?
"And what might that be?" he asked, his heart skipping a beat.
" You thought you were doing me a favor by asking me to dance with you. And that favour comes from your concern for the happiness of your sister."
Darcy did not understand her.
He could see anger in her beautiful eyes, though her face looked composed.
"You mistake me. I asked you for a dance because I wished to. Why would it even concern Georgiana?"
"Because you thought no one might ask me to dance, and maybe that would upset me. I can understand. You did not want it to affect Miss Darcy. I did not the slightest intention of dancing with you or anyone else. I would not have cared if I was the only girl standing alone this evening without a partner. You made it impossible to refuse you, asking me in the presence of Miss Darcy."
Darcy was not angry at her. His heart was full of love and admiration for her, and he could not understand why she misunderstood him all the time.
Elizabeth was fuming inside. Why would he want to dance with me? Out of all the women in the room? She had thought since the moment he had asked her.
"Miss Smith, I do not understand why you think the worst of anything I do."
" Because I have no other reason to believe otherwise. We argued the day we met, later at the bookshop. I think we both are aware of the fact that only beacuse of your sister we tolerate each other."
"Speak only for yourself, madam. You seem to willfully misunderstand my intentions. I do not deny our encounter at the cliff and bookstore. I do not have anything but regret for my behavior at the bookstore. I should have apologized for it long ago. But if I do so now, you may term it insincere. To be honest, I did not know you still held it against me. It never occurred to me in the past two months of being aquainted with each other," he cried, fighting hard not to pull her into his arms and pour his feelings.
"I do not expect you to apologize, sir. I do not expect anything from you. Do not say you were unaware of my disregard for you."
" I was, and I am still. If at all you hate me, you do a very good job of hiding it. I will tell you openly, so that I make myself clear on the subject. As you accuse me, I do not detest you. All I have is..."
He had to stop from declaring himself as the music had stopped. The dancers began to move away, allowing others the opportunity. Darcy had no other choice but to lead Elizabeth back to Georgiana.
His heart broke when he realized she had detested him all the while.
Georgiana smiled at her friend and brother as she recieved them.
Darcy bowed and moved away. Her words tortured him. She detests me.
He walked to the other end of the room, fighting the intention to turn and look at her.
He had to make conversation with a few other acquaintances.
He could not stop himself from looking in her direction. He saw one gentleman talk to her, and from what he could make, he was asking her for a dance.
Darcy watched them converse for a couple of minutes, and when the music started, Mr. Thorton led Elizabeth onto the dance floor.
Darcy did not understand why he felt so angry and betrayed.
She said she had no intention of dancing with me or anyone here, but she is now. How could she?
Lord Philip and Mr. Anderson joined him.
"Well, Mr. Darcy, is this not a fine evening? I look forward to the Christmas ball my sister always gives. Although, this year, she is not certain with the unfortunate passing of Lady Sophia," Mr. Anderson said.
Lord Philp looked forlorn at the mention of his late wife.
"We do host a harvest ball in Pemberley soon," Darcy said, with no enthusiasm for the company. He tried hard to spot Elizabeth amongst the dancers.
Finally he saw her.
He felt agitated as he saw her smile at her partner as she danced. The couples moved around the room, and Elizabeth moved closer to Darcy's side of the room, along with her partner.
Darcy caught Elizabeth's eye for a fraction of a second as she looked in his direction.
The moment she saw him, her smile vanished. There was a look filled with anger and helplessness.
Darcy finally realized that she was indeed unwilling to dance. He realized that she had no choice but to accept Mr. Thorton as she had already danced with him.
She could not refuse him, as she had already danced with me. I put her in this position.
He watched helplessly as they danced. From his observation, he could sense that he made her uncomfortable.
The moment the dance ended. Eizabeth joined the other ladies. She was fuming inside.
Even before he could calm herself, from the exchange between Darcy, Mr. Thorton had come forward with a request to dance.
Elizabeth knew the gentleman from previous engagements at Ashton Park but was in no mood to dance with him.
But she knew that she could not refuse him after dancing with Darcy. She did not want people to find it odd that she, a governess, accepted to dance with the master of Pemberley and refused another man in the same gathering.
By the time the dance ended, her anger had doubled towards Darcy for putting her in such a position.
Mr. Thorton seemed to have no other reason for asking her to dance except to flirt.
She heaved a sigh of relief as she sat down.
"You dance very beautifully," Georgiana said.
"You rarely say I do not do anything below par," Elizabeth said, in a teasing tone.
"I am not flattering you as you are my friend. I am telling the truth," Georgiana protested.
"I agree with you. It was a delight to watch you, dear. The harvest ball at Pemberley is lively with a lot of dancing and music," Lady Martha said.
"Oh! Yes! I always look forward to the harvest ball. We invite all the tenants," Georgiana exclaimed.
"That sounds wonderful," Elizbeth replied, having no intent of visiting Pemberley again.
Gladly for her, she did not see Darcy until Lady Ashton's carriage was ordered, as the men had engaged themselves in the game room for the rest of the evening.
She bowed to Darcy formally when they left. Darcy said nothing to her, well aware that she hated her with all her heart.
On the way back to he tried his best to pay attention to his sister's excitement.
"I enjoyed this evening. I am glad Miss Smith was there. It is usually very boring otherwise."
"I am glad to hear that."
"You are very kind, brother. I must thank you."
"Whatever for?"
"Your gesture to ask Miss Smith to dance with you was so kind and thoughtful."
"I do not understand you, Georgiana."
"Why, you knew that the other gentleman may hesitate to ask her for a dance and stepped forward. I am certain Mr. Thorton came forward after seeing you. She dances beautifully."
Darcy was silent. He did not want any other clarification.
So, she was right. Not only Elizabeth, but to everyone, it must have seemed as though I was doing her favour.
He suddenly realized that he had no choice but to openly declare his feelings to her than waiting for her to understand his heart.
Elizabeth sat silently in the carriage on the way back to Ashton Park. The men followed them in another carriage.
"Next time, you do not wish to accompany me to such an evening, you just need to be frank with me, my dear," Lady Martha said calmly.
Elizabeth looked at her in shock.
"Lady Martha, forgive me. I do not understand you."
"Well, you did not like to dance with the gentlemen, did you? And if I am right, you were annoyed when Fitzwilliam asked for a dance."
Elizabeth was silent for a few seconds.
"You are indeed a keen observer. I have never anticipated nor detested social engagements. I did not come along today to please you. In the past months I have accompanied you to many such engagements, but none had dancing. I was not inclined to dance today, and when Mr. Darcy asked me, I was taken by surprise."
"Did you think he asked you just to please his sister?"
"Is that not obvious?"
"I do not think he asked you because of Georgiana. He is someone who hardly enjoys these parties. He would not do such a thing. I don't think it is for his sister's sake. You both have very similar tastes, like in books. Maybe he does want to get to know you better."
Elizabeth was silent.
"Again, Elizabeth, I do not want you to do anything against your comfort or wish, for my sake. But I would also want you to live a life here as a part of our family, as a part of the society. I hear nothing but praise from everyone who has made your acquaintance here."
It was the first time Lady Martha addressed Elizabeth by her Christian name.
She held Elizabeth's hands.
"I want you to be happy here. Quite selfishly, I could say that I want you to stay in Ashton Park permanently. But that cannot be possible, as you must have a life of your own. I am certain it will happen."
"I am happy here, and I wonder how I can be happier and safe anywhere else," she said, grateful for making such a connection in her wretched life.
When the carriage reached the house, the house was silent. It was way past bedtime.
Elizabeth retired to her room.
Her maid helped her change.
"I hope you had a good evening, Miss," her maid said.
"Yes, I did. I thank you once again for all your help."
She lay awake in bed, unable to sleep. The events of the evening played in her mind.
Why did he have to ask me to dance? Out of all the women in the room? Why can't he leave me alone?
She finally slept, tired of her thoughts.
Around two am, she heard a noise and woke up. She looked around. She wondered what it could be and slowly walked to the door and looked outside. The hallway looked deserted.
She heard the noise again. She felt it came from the outside.
Her room had a balcony, and she remembered she had left the door open. She stepped out into the night. In the faint light of the moon, she thought she saw someone in the garden. Her room was on the second floor and all she could make out was a vague figure moving.
Who could it be at this hour? She wondered. She was not sure if it was her mind playing tricks on her.
She saw the figure move behind the trees and disappear. She stood there for a few minutes and went inside, wondering if she had imagined everything.
The next morning, she contemplated whether everything had been a dream. She had woken up earlier than usual and decided to leave for her walk.
In the hallway, she almost collided with Lady Isabella, who seemed to be in a hurry to head up the stairs.
"Forgive me," Elizabeth said in surprise.
She saw Lady Isabella quickly hide something in her shawl. It looked like a letter.
"Please move aside," Lady Isabella cried and left her.
Elizabeth was puzzled by her behavior.
She left the house and headed to the gardens. She looked around to spot anything out of place. She spotted a big flat stone that seemed oddly positioned near one of the bushes.
Someone has moved this. The lifted the stone.
There is nothing in here, but I am certain this is the same spot I saw from the balcony.
Then, she realized it.
Did Lady Isabella take something from here? Maybe the letter she tried to hide.
It does not make any sense, whom did I see last night? Was it her or someone else?
Elizabeth knew Lady Isabella was ever an early riser.
This is all so strange. She thought.
She contemplated taking the matter to Lady Martha but decided against it. She headed out for a walk.
I cannot take this matter to her unless I am certain of what I saw.
I need more insight!
** Dear Readers, I apologize for not posting for so long. I hope the next chapter will be out soon.*****