Chapter 26: The truth
Darcy rode on without knowing which direction he was going. His horse seemed to sense his temperament and resonated ruthlessly in its gallop.
That morning, he had started to Ashton Park with no intention of proposing to Elizabeth. He grabbed some books from the library that Georgiana mentioned about returning to her friend in hopes of conversing with her.
He did not expect to find Elizabeth alone that day, and the moment he heard her lips utter the words about her intended trip, he poured his heart out in the spur of the moment.
He knew she would not accept him immediately, but he had hoped she would consider his proposal. But now, he felt completely lost.
She does not respect me. She does not love me, and she has no regard for me. How could I have been so blind in love? How could I have fallen for someone who does not even want to consider my proposal?
What am I to do now? How am I to live in this world with the torment of being near her?
Her words echoed in his mind.
She accused me of ruining her life. His heart broke when he realised how much distress he had caused her.
She must look at me as one of those wealthy men who have caused her discomfort and nothing else. He could not imagine meeting her again, not just because he still loved her dearly, but because he realized the truth in her words.
He could understand and feel the depth of her distress.
God knows what she has been through as a governess. I have ruined her life here. What she says is right. We can never be in the same room together again. She has to endure me for the sake of society. She values Georgiana's friendship. She is an employee in Ashton Park, and she cannot avoid me explicitly. I cannot cause her such pain and discomfort. He thought.
The pain in his heart and mind reminded him of his torment when his mother passed away. He realized how much he valued and loved her. He also knew that there was no hope in winning her heart. She had decided against him, and as much as he hated to admit, he had no second thoughts about it.
She truly hates me.
She hated him with all her heart. In Ashton Park, Elizabeth hurried to her room before someone could spot her tears. The moment Darcy left she could not control her tears.
She shut the door of her room and collapsed to the floor crying. She was completely shocked by the encounter with Darcy.
He was tormented by his words and intentions.
How could he? How could he want to marry me? Me, a governess? A nobody?
She could not make sense of it. She could not understand how Darcy could expect her to be the mistress of Pemberley. The more pressing question was his regard and affection for her. She still did not believe his words.
She had belittled him and called regard as feelings of pity. She was no fool. The emotion in his voice and his heartfelt declaration of his love were nothing but sincere. But she could not accept them. She could not accept them because she hated him.
She hated him from the moment she saw him on the cliff. She hated the man who saved her life. She hated the man who argued with her. She hated the man who looked at her with his piercing gaze every time she was in his company.
She hated him because she felt extremely vulnerable in his company. She felt that her wall of defense melted away when she held his gaze.
She hated him because she felt he could read her lies. She hated him because he offered her a future filled with happiness and love.
And out of all these reasons, the most important was that she hated him because she had fallen in love with him deeply a long time ago. And now, she knew he felt the same way, but she was in no position to accept him. She could not accept him, because she knew that she did not deserve him.