Chapter 4: Jasmine (2.12) 1/28/93
Rita had walked into Dr. Neff's office with an air of annoyance and flippancy. She was pissed at Hudson and thought this was ridiculous. He was only doing this to her because she didn't brief him on reopening the Jasmine case. She did not need to be there. People have nightmares all the time; it didn't mean they needed psychiatric help.
In an even more infuriating turn of events, Chris wouldn't back her up on this one. When she protested her disdain regarding the lunacy of the situation over lunch at the Roach Coach, he eyed her with caution and concern.
"What?" Rita hissed, sensing his wariness. "Spit it out."
"The nightmares are getting worse, Sam. You've barely spoken about Tina's murder. You aren't sleeping. It's affecting you. The job. Us."
"Did you put Hudson up to this?"
Chris looked hurt, and Rita immediately regretted her words. Shaking her head, she reached across the picnic table and grabbed his hand. She backed down fast, her voice in a whisper, near tears. "Chris, I apologize. That wasn't fair."
"It's okay."
"No. It's not." Rita paused and squeezed his hand affectionately one last time before attacking her salad again with her fork. "Look, I know I'm not handling things well. I just need sleep, not a psychiatrist."
"What are you afraid of?"
Rita shot him a look. "I'm not afraid. I just think it's an unnecessary waste of time."
"It's an afternoon of your life. You'll go, you'll talk, and it will be over. No harm, no foul, right?"
She hated when he used rational reasoning and logic against her. That was her game, not his. She eyed him carefully but didn't say anything.
Chris laughed at her serious glare. "Sammy, you can't scare me with that look. I've known you too long. And you know I'm right. Listen, if this works and makes you sleep better at night, I'll be a happy man. Give it a chance for me, okay?" He capped off his monologue by teasingly stealing a forkful of her salad.
One look at his puppy dog, lopsided grin, and she knew she lost the battle. She was still feisty as hell about it, but she would go. For Chris.
Much to Rita's surprise, after two hours of sitting with Dr. Neff she had to admit she was already feeling better. Gutted, but better. Rita found something very peaceful and comforting about the doctor; it was easy to bare her soul to this sweet woman. Dr. Neff didn't poke or prod; she asked simple, yet thought-provoking questions, and let Rita do the bulk of the talking. They had already covered Tina's murder, her nightmares, Jasmine, and her father's death. That was the worst. Other than Chris, she had never really opened up about her father's death to anyone else before. It was a haunting memory tucked under layers of self-preservation; talking about her father's alcoholism and suicide unearthed traumas buried long ago. She felt like a child again, reliving the horror of finding her father's body in the bathtub. Now that she had cried more than she ever had as a grown woman, she sat mute and exhausted, wondering what the doctor would say next.
Dr. Neff silently took notes for a few minutes, allowing Rita time to compose herself. Unpacking her father's death was difficult, but necessary. In the short time she had spent with Rita so far, she marveled at the strong woman before her. She knew it was hard for Rita to be here; mandated psych evaluations were often met with scorn and derision, and Dr. Neff was the last person anyone wanted to see at police headquarters. However, most officers left their appointments with a feeling of relief once she got to the root of the issues plaguing their minds and affecting their jobs. It was hard to listen to Rita's heartbreaking past without reacting, but alas, that was the job of a psychiatrist. She needed to keep composure to truly focus on Rita: her mannerisms, emotional reactions, and words needed to be carefully observed and documented. She was fairly certain she knew what was at the core of Rita's nightmares, but there was one more area she wanted to address before discussing her thoughts with Rita.
"Tell me about your family and friends. Who are the most important people in your life?"
"Well, as far as family, my parents and foster parents are dead."
Dr. Neff smiled patiently. "I know. I meant, is there anyone in your life that you consider family? A best friend? A significant other?"
Rita chuckled. "A female homicide detective doesn't attract many significant others. Most men are threatened by what I do, but I'm fine with that. I'm not going to waste my time or energy on nonsense. I do, however, have a best friend. Chris. My partner." Rita watched as Dr. Neff scribbled on her notepad, taking note of the laughter in her eyes. "What's so funny?"
"Rita, this is the first time you've smiled since you walked into my office today. I can tell Chris means a great deal to you."
"He does."
"How long have you known each other?"
"We met six years ago as Vice cops, and we've been partnered in Homicide for the last two. Captain Hutchinson put us together to launch the Silk Stalkings detail."
"Tell me about him."
"Chris is… smart. Confident. A bit of a caveman at times, but it comes from a place of old-fashioned chivalry. Sometimes I think he'd be better suited to living in the era of Sinatra or Elvis, or Bogart." She smiled to herself, thinking of the countless times they watched Casablanca together. "He's a true gentleman. He lives for the job, and would do anything for me if I asked."
"How would you describe your partnership?"
Rita smiled warmly. "Chris is the best partner I've ever had. We clicked from the very beginning. We can read each other's minds; I know just from a look in his eye or his body language how he's going to react in a situation. And he understands me better than anyone. I trust him with my life. It's a perfect give-and-take."
Perfect. Dr. Neff wrote that word down in her notes. "Has there ever been a time when you've been out of sync?"
"I wouldn't say out of sync. He's played big brother in my love life a little too often, and he worries about me too much. We disagreed earlier about me coming here. As you've probably guessed, I didn't want to see you today, and Chris talked me into giving this a chance."
"You're doing a great job, Rita. I know this isn't easy. How would you describe your relationship with Chris?"
Relationship? Rita paused. Up until now, she felt comfortable in Dr. Neff's presence. Now she was feeling incredibly vulnerable. Why the fascination with Chris? The thought just crossed her mind that she could say something to jeopardize their partnership.
Dr. Neff sensed her hesitation. "Rita, is something wrong? Remember, everything you say in this room stays between us."
Rita let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. "Sorry. Your choice of words threw me off. I guess for a second I got worried. I'm not sure if I could handle us getting split up as partners."
"What would make you think that?"
"Chris is my best friend. Unfortunately, how that translates on the job gets a bit complicated at times. Our chemistry makes us a phenomenal team, but we often have to defend our friendship. We've faced accusations in the past of it being more."
"How does that make you feel?"
"Frustrated. It's difficult enough being young detectives and constantly defending our age and rank. Our records are outstanding, but there are people in the department that don't think we deserve to be where we are. Throw sexual accusations into the mix, and that puts me right over the edge. It's tough to ignore it sometimes. Luckily, our direct superiors are always in our corner. Hutch and Hudson have never questioned us, and we always have their full support." Rita paused at her last statement, realizing that maybe she shouldn't be so upset with Hudson right now. She owed him an apology. He was just looking out for her. For them.
"Rita, you mentioned worry over being separated. You've worked with other partners before… what would be different now?"
Rita tensed up. It was hard to imagine the job without Christopher by her side. Her Sam. How was it that in just two short years, he became her whole world? She considered carefully before responding. She knew nothing but honesty would help her, but how honest was she willing to be with herself?
"Earlier, I said that I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I've considered quitting the force, changing careers while I'm still young enough to do it. Lately, Chris is the only person in my life that reminds me of why I love the job, of how important our work is. His enthusiasm about life is… intoxicating. I've never met someone so full of hope and positivity… and charm." She grinned, thinking about her partner's shy smile that he saved just for her. "I could have the worst day, and then he appears at my doorstep with a pizza and a bottle of wine and my mood instantly changes. At the moment, I feel like his presence in my life, especially as my partner, is non-negotiable. I'm not sure if I could do the job without him."
"And how does that make you feel?"
Rita scoffed at herself. "Vulnerable. Maybe even a little scared. I have always prided myself on being independent, and I still do. If Chris heard any of this, he would be shocked to say the least. I guess right now I want to cling to any piece of happiness I have in my life. He's the bright spot in the darkness."
Dr. Neff glanced at her clock on the wall, realizing that it neared 5:30 p.m. Rita seemed exhausted, but her eyes seemed clearer now than they did when she first walked into her office. "Rita, you did great work today. Go home and rest. Tomorrow, we'll talk about some of my findings and where we go from here, ok?"
Rita stood up to leave, feeling like a weight had been lifted from her soul. She knew she still had a lot to think about and work through, but coming here today was probably the best thing she could have done. Chris was right after all. She smirked to herself, thinking about how badly he would gloat later over dinner. She exchanged pleasant goodbyes with the doctor and made her way out to the Jeep. As much as she wanted to head up to her desk and comb through some files, Hudson would have her head on a platter if he caught sight of her. She would behave for now, at least until she could talk Chris into working the Jasmine investigation with her.
Dr. Neff closed her door and began packing up for home herself. She grabbed the legal pad with the notes from Rita's session and filed it away in her briefcase; she'd be reviewing the case notes over dinner in anticipation of tomorrow's session. Stopping for a second, she pulled the pad out of her briefcase again to jot down one final note: Rita is in love with her partner.