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chapter nine.
Emilia sat with her back to the bark of the tree, legs stretched out before her on the grass as speckles of shade protected her from the pale sunlight that barely provided any measure of warmth but clear, cool, blue skies made the promise of no rain.
Rather than deciding to keep herself cooped up inside for the entire day, Emilia joined the other students in basking in the change in weather before it would inevitably make a turn for the worse. A playful breeze ruffled her hair, strands catching on the cracks in the base of the tree and surrounding her with the smell of wood as she paused in her reading to survey the environment around her, of the loud chatter and laughter that drifted in the air and brought the castle grounds to life.
Her book rested on her lap with her thumb placed into the crack of inside the spine and there was peace lingering on the air around her; the Hufflepuff team march their way to the castle, some looking as if they had taken a rough tumble with the ground and Amira Hopps, the captain, was in the midst at shouting at her teammates, the tight coiling curls of her hair springing free from the braids as the entire left side of her body was caked in dirt and mud.
Other students around Emilia were laying back on the grass, making sure to shake the remaining morning dew from the blades and some Fifth Year boys had pushed their friend into the lake, laughing at his bobbling head as he wrestled with the one who had knocked him in.
On the outskirts looking in, Emilia could always watch the way other people would interact with one another, picking up hints and details that would go amiss and be lost to time and memory had it not been for her prying, watching eye. There would be certain things forgotten, thrown to the winds to not even land a page in a history book, to never be known had Emilia not seen it happen and part of her felt cursed to the position of a watcher, to be always a witness and not an active participant. Though, she had no one else to blame since she was the creator of her own teenage suffering.
Many times had Emilia wished she were desperately like the other girls in her year; wished she was as pretty, as kind, as friendly, as approachable as them all. Lily Evans with her bright red hair that was a beacon of warmth that called to everyone and she had always been nice to Emilia, had talked to her, even said happy birthday to her a few years in a row until Emilia's own self consciousness had pushed the Head Girl away. Lily had tried being her friend and Emilia languished over her stupid, insecure self for thinking it was a joke. Sometimes, Lily gave her a wave and said hi but that was the extent. Girls like Lily Evans and Mary MacDonald were girls Emilia wanted to be and to be with, they were good people who attracted goodness and seeing them live their lives to the fullest made Emilia all too aware of where she was stunted.
She felt silly in her out of fashion clothes, with her sweater vests, skirts, converse and dress pants and she felt even more an outsider on the periphery of all other teenagers who were already having first loves, first kisses, and their first taste of alcohol behind the backs of ever watchful adults.
So many years ago did it seem that she was running around with her friends in the estate with scuffed knees and shoes too big for her feet and that time seemed a more unnatural and unbelievable world compared to Hogwarts.
Shouting rang in Emilia's ears and she turned her attention, catching sight of the Gryffindor team currently hashing it out with the Ravenclaw team, James Potter with his tall, lanky build towering over Franklin Corr with his voice yelling at the smaller Ravenclaw captain; both teams appeared to be heading down to the pitch and Emilia imagined that both wanted the time to practise and with how ghostly pale Franklin was turning, she assumed that Potter was chewing him out for trying to take the time that the Gryffindor team had wanted to use to practise.
Her eyes wandered subconsciously and, behind Potter's shoulder, was Sirius, a sinister, dark look on his face as he glared down the other Ravenclaw team members with his arms over his chest, casting a long, hazy shadow from where he stood at Potter's side. The look on his face was cold, a shudder running through Emilia at the thought of being on the receiving end of that glare and she had never seen him look as threatening; she had witnessed him get into fights before and she wasn't sure if he had a problem with his temper or if he was simply always looking for a reason to fight, but part of Emilia was quite glad that none of his antipathy had ever been directed towards her.
Sirius always seemed so light-hearted, boyish and carefree that it made Emilia uneasy that he had such a grim expression on his face.
Potter stood back, heaving from his yelling match with the quivering Franklin Corr and there was some brief, sharp words exchanged between the two captains before Franklin turned heel and led his team back to the castle to wait their turn for the pitch. A switch flipped on Sirius' face and that dark look on his face melted away, slipping back to reveal his usual grin as he clapped Potter on the shoulder, the latter putting a hand to his throat and wincing from the pain of shouting as the other members joined in on Sirius' cheering on of his friend.
His eyes wavered away and she knew he had not meant to meet her eyes but suddenly they were stuck, reeled in by her own and Emilia stiffened at the realisation that he had caught her staring and heat flared in her cheeks, soaring up from her neck as she nearly snapped it entirely at how quick she looked away and back into her book.
God, the embarrassment of being caught of all things and Emilia dared not to take a peak to see if he was still looking at her or, worse, rushing over to join her.
The breeze picked up but did little to quench the fire in her cheeks. Her eyes did not move from line to line and each passing moment was a ticking hand of a clock moving ever forward and her annoying hair had fallen from its place behind her ear, making it impossible to pick out where Sirius was.
Emilia sat with her knees drawn up, ankles pressed together and trying everything possible to pretend as if she wasn't wondering what Sirius Black was doing as she sat beneath the canopy granting her reprieve from the sun.
She heard him before she saw him, though pretended to not acknowledge him; the rattling of his Quidditch gear and the huff of his breath filled her ears and Emilia only had enough time to look up before he all but ploughed into the spot beside her, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip and nearly knocking her over entirely as Sirius planted himself next to Emilia. She caught herself before she fell and she leant some bit away to gain some space as his face was entirely too close and he looked far too happy to see her that she could not help but be suspicious.
"So this is where you've been!" Sirius said, unaware of how close he was to Emilia, practically snuggled up next to her as he placed his broom on the grass beside him.
Her eyes narrowed him, at his words and wondering what they meant; had he been looking for her? "What is it?"
He ignored her question and spotted the book whose spine was resting against her knees. "You're reading again?"
"What about it?" she snapped back as the question prickled her, making Emilia shift as she sat straight once again, trying to not be affected at how he was pressed up to her side. At least he wasn't covered in mud or drenched from rain.
Sirius was quick, snatching the book from her hands and flipping through the pages, looking at it back to front. Emilia held herself at bay, trying to not come off as too unpleasant as she wrung her hands together, a watchful eye making sure he took care of her most treasured possession. "Is this the same book as last time?"
"Yes."
Sirius gave a hum, closing the book and reading the blurb on the back, nodding his head as if agreeing with whatever thoughts that ran about in his skull. Parts of his Quidditch robes were draped over her thighs and waist from where he had sat himself down without a thought, giving her some semblance of warmth under the shade of the tree. Emilia watched his face, fingers knotting themselves into tangles as was her habit as she waited for him to say something.
Whenever Sirius was in deep thought, she always was left feeling troubled.
"You know," he began. "I was curious and I asked Remus about it and he told me he had read it as well."
He ran his thumb over the edges, bending the book back entirely and she wasted not another breath before grabbing it back from him, making sure there were no creases left behind from his carelessness. "Then go talk to him about it about it."
"He told me how it ends," he stated and Emilia froze, unable to look at him.
It left a coldness in her chest, ice burning and cracking as her voice could not heave itself to the back of her throat to talk. He knew? It left her stomach in a tizzy, tumbling over itself and tripping as her eyes moved to his, wide and unblinking and she could not discern the look in his own eyes. Her mouth felt too dry and her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth, palms becoming clammy. She didn't understand, why would he want to know about her stupid book? It was just that – a stupid book and she felt even stupider for having told him she never read the ending.
Her doe eyed stare and silence spurred him on and Sirius' voice took on a teasing tone. "You want to know?"
"What?" Emilia spluttered. "No!"
"Are you sure?" he asked, leaning towards her and Emilia knew he was really and truly laughing at her now, her face becoming redder, the heat all but unbearable.
"Of course I'm sure!" she snapped.
"Really?" he repeated.
Her cheeks were the colour of ripe cherries. "Yes!"
"Yes you don't want to know or yes as in yes please tell me?"
"No!" she cried and then her hands jumped to either side of her ears, covering them and blocking out all sounds including his voice as she closed her eyes, desperate to keep herself ignorant and free of his playful words that she wasn't sure were true or not. Part of her wouldn't hold it past him to tell her when she least expected, or maybe he would hold it over her head to draw out her reactions to amuse him longer. "Don't tell me!"
Her eyes were squeezed shut, bursting lights in the darkness like dying stars as she kept her hands clamped over her ears, desperately trying to drown out even a murmur of his voice, not even caring how ridiculous she might look to outsiders. Then there was warmth around her wrist and something tugged but she would not budge, then that same circling warmth encompassing her other wrist before turning Emilia against her will and managing pull her hands away in time to catch the last few notes of Sirius' laughter that trailed away like wisps on the wind.
Emilia cracked an eyelid and could see him beaming, blinding her nearly as she finally took the risk to open both eyes and there was that gleam in the grey of his irises, reminding her of the full moon reflected on the shimmering surface of a lake.
Sirius did not let go of her wrists and his hands were large around them, could have nearly circled them twice and his voice had lost some of that mocking tone from before. "Don't worry, I won't. I don't want to spoil the fun for you."
Emilia glowered at him, putting that bit more of her strength to tug her wrists free from his grip before he relented in letting her go at the behest of the look on her face, which was none too happy at his mocking of her. "If you don't want to do that then you can leave."
"I will, I will, don't get your knickers in a twist," he sighed, conceding but the cheeky quirk of his lips was still tugging at the corners. She turned her focus back to the book, but found herself having lost all interest in reading. "I just wanted to see if you wanted to come watch me practise."
Emilia didn't understand his obsession with dragging her along to watch him play Quidditch, but then again she didn't understand his fixation on her at all to begin with. "My answer is still the same as last time, which, by the way, is a clear no."
"It's good weather!" Sirius whined and slumped against the bark of the tree, his long legs stretched out before him on the grass with the toes of his boots nipping by the edges of the light that could not force its way through the blanket of leaves above. "You shouldn't be stuck under the shade all by yourself."
Emilia's lips pursed and there was a bad taste in her mouth at his words, glad to have been looking away so he would not see the way her face pinched, features twisting. It wasn't like she had a choice, or rather she refused to let herself have any. Around them, the chatter and laughter of the other students rinsed and wringed in her ear, that age old bitter wine that made her ache bubbling in the bottom of her chest.
He wouldn't understand and it was too hard for her to explain, so instead she left him with a simple, surface level reply. "I like it like this."
"Well, you know where to go if you change your mind," Sirius relented and movement made her head lift and he got to his feet, broom in hand and brushing the loose blades of yellowing grass from his uniform, patting his pants as the long, dark tendrils of his hair fell loose around him, cupping his cheeks. Emilia wondered how it was he even managed to see up on his broom, flying around in the sky.
She was left craning her neck up at him as Sirius grinned down at her, already making a move to walk away and something like a frown prickled at Emilia's mouth; was he leaving so soon? That was fine by her, more peace and quiet for her to enjoy.
"We have Charms tomorrow morning, right? Save me a seat, will you?"
Sirius paid no heed that he might trip over a rock or another student as he walked backwards, refusing to break eye contact with Emilia. She rolled her eyes at his request, shaking her head. "No."
"Ah, you will – I know you will," he insisted, voice raising to carry across the distance he was creating between them.
"I won't."
"You will!" he called out and finally he turned, body angled towards Emilia as he made his way to the pitch, arm waving madly behind him as if he couldn't pinpoint where Emilia was sitting but wanted to wave to her, nevertheless. "Bye!"
Emilia watched as he jogged off, the last straggler as he ran to catch up with his team that was a bit in the distance. Her book lay closed in her lap, completely disinterested in picking up where she last left off before she had let her mind wander and be interrupted; she was left pondering over the echo of their conversation and fell short as to coming up for the reason why Sirius would go out of his way to know what her book was about and the ending of it when she had told him she did not know it.
Then again, she didn't know why Sirius did half the things he did – why he bothered her, talked to her, asked her time and time again to come watch him practise with the team. His own reasoning might have been sufficient enough for Sirius to believe but Emilia wasn't so sure she bought into it. Growing up reading a lot meant that she was capable of reading in between the lines and she knew it was more than just him being in her good graces, but beyond that Emilia could not pinpoint it further.
Or perhaps she was being too presumptuous and it really was that Sirius wanted her good opinion of him. It all felt too convoluted and Emilia shook her head; whatever it was, she needn't get herself too involved with it. It had only nearly been a week so who knows, maybe by the following weekend he would lose interest of her entirely. Her sour disposition had turned people off before so she was sure it would work this time.
She was one of the first into Charms on Monday, the double period the first to greet them after a weekend of rest and she sat down in her usual seat, the only other soul in the room being Xenophilius Lovegood who was her table partner. Emilia liked Xenophilius, even if he was a bit... odd and he made for a good partner – he barely talked but he was smart, hence the Ravenclaw robes, and he was kind; most others in their year and below avoided him but Emilia thought that since he was great with teamwork and he was quite knowledgeable with Charms, he was alright in her books.
He greeted her with a wispy hello, Emilia that she returned with a smile, his unblinking eyes going back to whatever magazine he was reading as she sat herself down, rubbing the lingering dregs of sleep from her eyes. Flitwick hadn't appeared yet with more and more students pouring in through the door, yawning and talking with one another as they found their seats. Emilia eyes observed those who walked in, turning each time she saw another student in gold and red but each time was a false alarm; she realised that searching for the person she was supposed to ignore was quite counter productive but she spotted Sirius as he walked in, whipping back into her seat and trying to appear enthralled with her Charms notes.
She felt too aware of everything around her and she could see Sirius saunter up from the corner of her eye, but was desperately trying to pretend she couldn't and Emilia felt embarrassed at how much effort she was having to put in trying to ignore him. Finally, he stopped in front of her desk and Emilia had no choice but to look up and meet his eyes, and he was shaking his head in faux disappointment at her.
"Ouch, the betrayal," he sniffed, a hand going to wipe away a mock, non-existent tear from his eye.
"Can't be betrayal if I was never loyal," Emilia responded lightly, unable to stop the amused huff that left her when Sirius let out an indignant sound.
"You're really not going to sit next to me?" he whinged, moving into the seat behind her but leaning his torso over it so that he was close to Emilia when she turned around, with barely a few inches existing as a separation between them.
"Why would I?" she wondered aloud and that fake hurt look flashed across Sirius' face again. At least, Emilia hoped it was fake – he was hardly going to be offended that she hadn't sat next to him, was he?
"I'm a great partner," Sirius insisted in defence.
She gave him a blank stare at his statement. "You got me in detention."
"One time!" he refuted back. "Ol' Flitwick is too fond of himself talking to hear anyone else."
"No," Emilia said, standing her ground and he grumbled at her refusal before his eyes turned to Xenophilius who had no interest whatsoever in the conversation happening around him.
Sirius shuffled on the bench so that he was between Emilia and Xenophilius, tapping on the Ravenclaw's shoulder to pull his attention away from his strange magazine. "Hey, Xenophilius, you want to swap with me?"
Emilia was about to snap at Sirius to leave Xenophilius alone as the blond haired boy looked up at Sirius with those wide, owl like eyes. "Why?"
"Because I want to sit next to Emilia."
Xenophilius looked at Sirius in confusion. "Then sit next to her."
"Well, I can't because you're in the seat next to her," Sirius pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing – which it was.
Xenophilius paused for a moment, lost in his thoughts before that dreamy smile appeared on his face, unblinking eyes moving from Emilia to Sirius. "Maybe we can extend the bench!"
The two stared at Xenophilius' in light of his offer, Emilia sharing a quick look with Sirius who pulled a face at the boy's words before she cleared her throat.
"Xenophilius, you can stay where you are. I don't want to sit next to him," she explained and the door opened for Flitwick to come in, the top of his head bobbing between the tables to reach the top of the room and Emilia took advantage of the last moment before class started to face Sirius and hiss at him. "Leave me alone and don't get me into trouble."
Sirius was about to protest before Flitwick began to call the class into session, clapping his hands and brandishing his wand, a piece of chalk floating up in the air and writing on the board. By the end of September, they would be entering into the practical side of Charms and Emilia was more than happy to not have to scribble down everything the small professor said, leaving her with a cramp in her palm.
It doesn't take long before Sirius decides to go against Emilia's warning when a carefully folded piece of paper plops itself down onto the table beside her hand. She stared at it, debating on whether she should open it or not before deciding that ignoring it was her best course of action. At least, that's what she thought. The piece of paper soon found a partner as another was thrown down into the spot next to it, and then it became a trio when she ignored that one too. When a fourth landed on her parchment, she gave a huff, turning around in her seat to glare at Sirius who was mouthing at her to open it up.
Emilia did as he requested but instead of reading whatever was written on the inside, she scribbled her own note on the back before folding it back up – stop wasting good parchment. She kept herself facing forward as she slipped it onto Sirius' desk, hearing him open it before he paused to read then the inevitable scratch of his quill. It landed on her hand and she opened it up to see his own terrible writing underneath hers.
I'm not.
Shaking her head, she penned her reply.
Pay attention to class and stop sending me notes.
His response came a few seconds after.
I wouldn't be sending you notes if you sat next to me.
Emilia dipped her pen in the ink pot as she took her time to craft her retort to him. She was quite good at drawing, it had been one of her favourite subjects in school because you could get as messy as you wanted and no one would look at you twice for having a mess on your school uniform. Beneath his writing was a small caricature of a crudely drawn wizard with a long beard that had a striking resemblance to Dumbledore only he was holding up both of his middle fingers and she could hear him smother his laughter when she had tossed the piece of paper back to him.
Despite her insistence that he listen to Flitwick, Emilia found herself doing the opposite; notes flitted back and forth between the two, mostly consisting of Emilia drawing other cartoons of other members of the staff, Sirius' own poorly drawn figures that had her squinting to see what or who he was trying to capture and her admonishing him for wasting paper that he could use for notes before he sent back a drawing of what Emilia assumed was her. Though he had exaggerated her being short, making her eyes bigger and her hair was wild around her head, which led to her patting down the strands because she was sure she had smoothed it down enough in the morning after spending a night of twisting and turning in her bed.
By the time class ended, Emilia had a paraphernalia of notes that she swept into her bag, Sirius shoving whatever had been on his desk into the pockets of his robes as he stood up, arms stretching above his head and Emilia winced at the sound of bones popping.
"Merlin, that was long and boring and awful," he stated, a tired groan leaving him as Emilia manoeuvred her way around the tables to make way for the exit with Sirius shadowing her, his arm up against her shoulder. "If only I had someone to sit next to instead of being forced to work by myself."
They squeezed their way out the door and into the hall and an unladylike snort left Emilia. "Then go find someone who wants to do that."
"So cold, so cruel. I'm bleeding, blood everywhere on the ground," he wailed, the back of his hand pressed to his forehead and Emilia had no warning before the weight of Sirius was leaning against her, as if he were about to faint and she mustered her strength to push him off her, sending him stumbling only one foot forward.
"Don't you have class?" she sighed at him, the crowd around them growing as they moved out to join the other students moving to their next class.
"Nope, free period. I got all the time in the world. I'll walk you to yours!" he said, shifting his books from one arm to the other so as to not stab her with the corners of the hardbacks as he was forced to be pressed up against her due to the sheer size of the group they were caught in.
"No thanks," Emilia declined, and she felt she might have lost herself entirely amongst the other students had it not been for Sirius' sheer height that towered over them and she made sure to keep her eye on him as he led them through the masses.
"What if you trip again and hit your head and die?" Sirius told her.
"If only that would happen," Emilia mumbled.
"Why? What do you have?"
"History of Magic."
"Shit, what a bore. I don't blame you for wanting to die," he said and Emilia bit her tongue before it could tell him that that wasn't reason she would rather that she trip and die, the implication lost on him. Then, a lightbulb moment as he clicked his fingers. "You should skip! Me, Remus and Peter have a free period and – "
"Not interested," Emilia cut him off as they descended the stairs, pushing through the thick vein of the gathering students, Sirius acting as a knife as he pushed his way through ahead of Emilia.
"Oh come on, as if you want to spend your time with barmy Binns!" he griped and she internally agreed him – of course she would rather be anywhere else than in his classroom but she wasn't about to go putting another smear on her record and she also wasn't about to tell Sirius that she would rather be anywhere than Binns' classroom, hopping off the last step as he paused ahead to wait for her, the two walking side by side again.
"It's class," she emphasised but he brushed it off with a wave of his hand.
The crowds were thinning as more students rushed to make their way to class with one Hufflepuff nearly barrelling into Emilia had she not stepped to the side in time, knocking into Sirius' side to save herself from being crushed to the ground. His hands placed themselves on her shoulders to steady Emilia and he stepped around her, moving Emilia to the inside of the corridor against the wall where no traffic occurred, thus preventing her from being smacked into and slammed to the ground.
She didn't quite fancy having her skull split so early in the morning.
"So?" he said, letting go of her shoulders after she gave a pointed shrug. "Won't kill you to miss one."
As much as Emilia found the class boring, she couldn't believe he actually wanted, let alone expected, her to miss it. Even if she wanted to, did he not remember how she nearly broke into tears with getting detention from McGonagall? It would be against every fibre of her being to even entertain the thought of mitching. "Once again, not interested."
"Not even the slightest?" Sirius whined and Emilia could spot more of her classmates in the crowd as they headed towards Binns' classroom. All held the look of contempt on their face at the prospect of having to sit and listen to the ghostly professor for an hour and Emilia shared in their lack of enthusiasm.
"No."
He blew a sigh that turned into a raspberry, and Emilia looked up to see his face screwing up as it was often did whenever Sirius was thinking. "Then what do you have after lunch?"
Her eyes sharpened at his question, already knowing his plans. She paused outside the door of their classroom, ignoring the side glances some sent as Sirius leant on wall in front of her, the entire conversation looking far too intimate to an outsider. "Nothing until second period."
"Perfect!" Sirius exclaimed, perking up instantly and clapping his hands together. "I want to skip Runes."
His lack of hesitation to skip classes somewhat annoyed Emilia, his carefree and blasé attitude becoming something she wished she even had a fraction of. "I'm not hanging out with you."
"Why?" he complained, a sulking expression on his face at her refusal.
Why? he asked and she looked at him strangely. Sirius had never explicitly asked her to hang out with him, not like this, but she couldn't imagine she had given him any sort of vibes or signs that she wanted to before. "Because I don't want to."
"I could change your mind about that but you refuse to hang out with me!"
"I'm going to study and do homework. You can leave now," she told him and made to turn away and step inside her classroom when something grabbed her by the arm and she was pulled back towards Sirius. He had been doing that a lot lately – grabbing her arm, shoulders, her hands; each time was more bearable than the last but he quickly let go as if knowing how uncomfortable it left Emilia.
"Is there no way I can get you to skip?" he begged, as if he was desperate for her company. She no longer bothered trying to wonder why it was that he wanted to be around her so much when she was unpleasant to him and often gave him the cold shoulder.
"No."
His lips turned into a pout and he ducked his head so that they were closer in height, though it did little since he still towered over her. "Not even if I say pretty please?"
"Not even if there's a cherry on top," she retorted without a second thought, digging her heels in and refusing to let herself be swayed by his puppy dog eyes that were scarily good. She remained affirmed in her resolve and would not let herself bend to his pleas. "Bye, Sirius."
Sirius' face pulled lower into a pout and Emilia could feel her determination being chipped away at so she turned without another thought lest she might break under his stare and relent to ditching class – though the thought of Emilia ditching class was as impossible as it was laughable. Even despite her brief, out of character decision to lie to Filch was the most she could muster up and now she felt that act of rebellion fell way too short of Sirius', of how he was always ready to skip class, play pranks and do as he pleased.
But Emilia was absolutely not a good liar when under extreme pressure and if she had gotten caught trying to skip class, she would have frozen up and inevitably ended up in hysterics if another teacher handed her a detention and she could see herself being a liability if Sirius thought to include her in some of his nonsense.
By the time Professor Binns' monotone droll had ended Emilia was sitting at the edge of her seat to make way for the door. She pushed away the dreary, invading feeling of tiredness that had begun to seep in during the class, glad that lunch had finally made its way around, stomach grumbling for food far too loudly for her liking. Emilia followed the wave of other students as she made her way to the Great Hall, the smell of food enticing her and pulling her.
She got to the entrance when her heels dug into the ground, stopping outside the periphery of the door; was Sirius in there, too? She wanted to eat her lunch in peace and she fretted that he might try to make her sit down with him on his friends however uncomfortable she might try to show it made her.
Emilia peered in from the side of the door, hair slipping over her shoulder like water over the lip of a far as she tried to pick out Sirius' mop of curls out from the sea of students. Her eyes squinted in trying to see if he was there but could not find evidence. The idea of him making her sit with him alone didn't bother as much as the thought of him squeezing her in with his own friends and it sent a sour taste forcing itself up her throat.
"Do I have three guesses on who you're trying to avoid?"
The voice came up behind her with little warning and sent Emilia nearly jumping out of her shoes, hands to her chest as if to clutch her racing hear and whirling around to find the unlikeliest of faces standing there, hands in the pockets of his robes and looking a little worn out.
Remus Lupin was the tallest of his friends, and also the thinnest, a mop of sandy hair that sat only slightly tidier than James Potter's on his head and his eyes were a bright hue of green – not like emeralds, no, more like grass, earthy, fat on sun grass in the highest point of spring.
Next to Potter, Emilia had never exchanged a word with Remus, but had seen him more frequently than his friends in the library, sometimes looking worn down and close to collapsing from exhaustion and he seemed... more reserved than his friends were, though she knew he was just as likely to engage in their shenanigans despite the cover of being a Prefect and a good student. His Prefect badge glittered on his robes that seemed far too small for him, worn and woolly from years of probably being washed over and over, time and time again.
Emilia knew the signs, she had grown up wearing the same clothes to school every day for a week and unconsciously picked up the tell-tale indications that she felt guilty for presuming.
Remus stood a bit away from her, but Emilia couldn't resist taking a step back, feeling awkward that he had caught her spying around the Great Hall and there was something about Remus Lupin that made her feel shy, maybe it was because he was a Prefect and was higher up on the authority ladder that made her shrink away from him. But he seemed nice, he had a kind smile that was warped slightly from the scars that tore through his features, slicing around his hairline that he hid with a fringe.
There was a glint in his eye and she could feel a warmth blooming in the canvas of her cheeks, nervousness crawling into her heart. She had no idea what to say to him, or how to respond to his jab. What on Earth was Remus Lupin doing talking to her? "Oh. Hi."
"He and Peter are currently getting an earful from Pince," Remus responded, not needing to name the former of the two as they both knew exactly who it was that he was referring to. She wondered why he was telling her this, let alone talking to her in the first place, but his words piqued her interested, standing straighter and meeting his eyes head on.
"Sirius is in trouble?" she asked and he walked around her and into the Hall, all the while maintaining eye contact and Emilia followed suit, knowing he meant for her to do so.
"Immense," he stated with a snort, the short hem of his robes swishing around his calves as they walked down the aisle between the tables, half an arms length space between them. "She'll probably get him dusting shelves until spring."
Now more than ever Emilia was glad she had not decided to go with Sirius when he had begged her to mitch and hang out with him, she didn't think her nerves could handle getting in trouble with Pince of all people. The mere thought of being under her sharp gaze was enough to send a shuddering ripple through her spine. Emilia peered up at him, the sunlight drifting in making his hair look like a field of golden wheat. "You aren't with them?"
"Pince sees me a lot and thinks I'm just some poor soul who got mixed up with a bad crowd," Remus explained and he paused in his stride to swing a leg over the bench of the table, sitting down and looking up at Emilia as she remained standing, unsure of what to do before he angled his head, gesturing for her to take the remaining spot beside him.
Emilia hesitated as she was wont to do, before thinking that nothing bad could come out of simply sitting next to him, chewing on her words before she spoke. The food was laid out before them and Remus was already filling up his plate, grabbing himself a cup of coffee and she wondered how many of those he would drink a day, the purple smudges beneath his eyes seemingly a permanent stain. "And are you?"
He looked at her with that amusing glint in his eye and it was different from Sirius'; it wasn't as if he was planning something, no, it was as if he knew something she didn't and didn't seem inclined to let her in on it. "Only when I want to appear innocent."
Emilia didn't know what to make of that, though she supposed he did have an air of innocence around him that Sirius lacked that Remus probably took advantage of and put to good use. Pince did seem to be softer towards him in the few interactions she remembered the librarian having with Lupin, but she could only remember because it was so rare to see the old witch not to glare down at students.
Emilia was unsure of how to respond to him, feeling timid next to Remus as he ate his lunch and didn't seem aware of how bashful Emilia was around him. Unlike Emilia who was quiet because of her nerves, Remus' own silence was most likely due to his reserved nature, looking deep in thought and eyes far away. She only wished Sirius was like this at times instead of chewing her ear out, though she supposed had he been any way like Remus Lupin, he might not have dumped an entire litre of orange juice on top of her.
Probably.
She began picking at her food, sipping her tea when Remus finally decided to speak out on what he had been ruminating over. "Has he been annoying you?"
Emilia stilled, sandwich halfway to her mouth before she paused, eyebrows drawing together as she turned to him, but he was still looking off into the distance, to the world outside the windows with thick, cotton clouds. "Sorry?"
Finally, he looked to her and Emilia could not discern the look on his face as he clarified. "Sirius – has he been annoying you?"
She hadn't expected that to come out of his mouth and she shifted in her seat, unsure of what he wanted to hear. He was Sirius' friend – she could hardly go off about him to Remus or badmouth him and how annoying he was. What could she say? She could hardly lie to his face, he would catch her out in an instant.
Emilia hesitated on her answer, trying decide on what to say before giving a half arsed response. "Oh. Kind of."
He hummed, nodding his head and Emilia felt awkward that they were having this discussion, never mind she had just told him that, and wondered if Sirius had put him up to it since she couldn't fathom why Remus Lupin would suddenly want to start talking to her or invite her to sit next to him at lunch, no matter how kind or friendly he appeared to be.
"Don't hold it against him. He's kind of like... a puppy trying to get everyone to like him," Remus said, something like a laugh hung onto the ends of his words and Emilia nodded, not entirely believing him since she knew that of course he would have a bias towards his friend.
Was he trying to scope Emilia out so he could go back to Sirius and tell him he was in the all clear and didn't need to make the effort to talk to Emilia anymore? It bothered Emilia more than she liked, to think she was just an annoying problem for Sirius to solve, another name in a ledger that he would cross out but she quickly stamped that feeling down into the dirt, grinding it into nothing with her heel.
"Right," was all Emilia could say, not sure what else that she could offer and feeling embarrassed at how shit of a conversationalist she was.
The silence hung between them, a pregnant pause before Remus spoke his mind once more. "Still, I think he deserved the slap you gave him."
The boy next to her was full of surprises as she whipped her head towards him in disbelief at what he had just said, looking to him to see if he was only pulling her leg but she could see the honesty in his face and she could hardly believe that he had just admitted that to her. "You do?"
"It isn't as if he hasn't been slapped by a girl before," he told her. "Plus, it was funny."
"Funny?" Emilia echoed, not understanding how anything she did could be seen as funny. Sometimes, if she did make someone laugh, it felt as if they were laughing at her instead of with her.
Remus gave a nod in confirmation. "James still hasn't stopped teasing him about it."
"Oh. I... I didn't mean it, not really," she revealed, looking down and swallowing the lump in her throat. She didn't know if he had an ulterior motive talking to her, but if he had admitted that she was right in slapping him, however guilty she felt about it, Emilia felt there was nothing wrong with her doing the same in her own admittance. "My emotions got the better of me. I was upset."
"Are you still?" he asked and Emilia fell short of a coherent thought.
Was she still upset? In some sense, she could say that she was still upset but she could hardly say she was mad, or at least as mad as she had been the day it happened. She wasn't sure if she entirely forgave Sirius for it, but... she felt as if she was closer to it than before and Emilia wondered if his plan was working for him and she had been under the false impression that she had been the one winning, that all her pretending did little to convince both him and her that she despised him and would never offer him forgiveness.
It was hard to explain, all jumbled up and she didn't want to exactly dump all of her emotional tangles onto Remus during their first conversation, whether it being relevant or not. "I... sort of. I just thought with you being his friend and all..."
"That, what? I would stupidly think he could never do anything wrong?" he snorted and Emilia nodded at his words and he shook his head, strands of his unevenly cut hair moving at the same time around him and a weary sigh left Remus, a sound too heavy and covered in cobwebs from how old it made him sound. "Sirius is a good friend and he is one of the smartest people I know, but he can be a bit of a wanker sometimes."
"I mean, I'm not disagreeing," Emilia half joked, more surprised that he was telling this to her and vindicating her feelings.
"But he's a good person," Remus told her, his voice sounding softer and was looking at her in a way she might have mistaken for pleading, as if he was trying to get her to understand but understand what, Emilia could not tell. "I think he still feels guilty and is trying to make up for it in his Sirius way."
It wasn't exactly the penny that dropped but Emilia's eyes narrowed at Remus' statement of his friend; she knew that since they were so close, he wouldn't exactly be out here telling her she was right and Sirius was a big, massive idiot and that she should just Hex him to leave her alone, but now she wondered if Sirius really did put Remus up to this; it was the only way to explain why he was talking to her and sitting next to her and perhaps she was far too paranoid for her own good but Emilia couldn't help it having it been ingrained in her since the day she was born.
"I feel like you're trying to get me on his side," she said, a level of distrust in her eyes and voice as she studied him, wondering if this had been his plan all along to change her mind but the look on his face made her doubt herself on this.
He gave a shrug, the collar of his uniform catching on the hair on the back of his neck as he took a sip of tea. "I'm not trying anything. Just offering perspective and insight. I've known him since he was 11. He's one of my best friends, I know he can be a massive git, but his heart is in the right place."
"And he shows this by deciding to never leave me alone?"
"I don't pretend to try and make anything he does have any bit of sense, but I hope that you at least understand why he acts the way he does."
Emilia could see why he would want to interfere – perhaps it was bothering Sirius more than she had thought but Remus did not offer to go more into depth about the situation but she could see that he had an inkling about how this ran deeper. She might have pressed for it but instead held her tongue back, thinking on his words.
If she brushed aside all her paranoia, her bias, and own insecurity she still couldn't understand why this was such a big deal to Sirius, or to her. Emilia simply could not believe that Sirius actually wanted to be her friend, her own lack of confidence aside – she was all too self aware of her own lack of a good personality, she didn't exactly ooze friendliness or was the kind of person that other people wanted to be around. She had the conversation skills of a brick wall and people would find it more appealing to speak to it than to her. If they got pass the initial unpleasantness about her, there lay her awkward, stunted self – as much as she wanted to, she didn't know how to talk to people her own age or be around them as she was too caught up in how different they were from her, a good different that Emilia envied.
Emilia didn't know what to make of the conversation that had occurred between her and Remus, though she began to believe that he had done this of his own accord and couldn't picture him being bossed around easily by Sirius. But she just still couldn't understand why all of this, all of her, even mattered to Sirius when this time last week he didn't even know she existed and he didn't even bother to get her name right so why was he trying to be her friend?
Maybe Remus was right and that Sirius just wanted everyone to like him but what could she say to him? She was hardly going to spill her heart out to him about how she didn't know how to make friends and that the entire concept was so foreign to her that is almost scared Emilia, however much she desperately wished she wasn't the way she was.
No, she wasn't going to go and make a fool of herself to him and instead tucked all those feelings back in inside of herself, taking a sip of her tea to wash down the bad taste her thoughts had left in her mouth.
"Ah. I see," was all she could say, feeling pathetic and her mind taking on a self deprecating turn. Normally she could control it but also, normally she wouldn't be hounded by other people day and night who would make her all too aware of how she was and of how short she fell.
Remus looked as if he wanted to say something else, spotting the way her face fell and shoulders slumped but his eyes moved to behind her. "Speak of the Devil."
Emilia turned and immediately found Sirius as he walked into the hall in tow with Potter and Peter, all three sniggering about something in secret with one another. There was that tight, painful feeling in her chest again and it made it impossible for her to stay sitting any longer to eat her lunch, turning away before Sirius could catch her looking even though she knew she would have to walk past him.
"Thanks for the talk. And for letting me sit with you," Emilia told Remus, swinging her legs out and standing with her back to the approaching trio. Remus looked ready to protest her departure but she couldn't stay here for a moment longer, not at the speed her heart was going and her mind turning itself into a mess. "I'll leave you to it."
She began walking herself away and didn't even bother with trying to hide that it was her as Sirius spotted her instantly, a smile on his face that stilled her as she still could not fathom why he was so happy to see her.
"Emilia!" he greeted, white teeth on display and he turned his back to his two friends, Potter tugging Peter's arm to leave Sirius and Emilia to talk. "You're leaving already? Lunch just started!"
"I have things to do," she explained to him, deciding that the talk that had happened between her and Remus should probably stay that way as bringing it up would do no good. Still, the remnants of Remus' words lingered on in her mind, looking up at Sirius with something new in her eyes.
Usually, she would have brushed past him without a second thought, yet here she was – pausing to talk to him. Once more her dreaded habit kicked in and she brought her hands together, twisting them around one another whenever her nerves were on edge.
She wasn't nervous to talk to him, per say, but... it was different. She wasn't trying to be as cold and hostile as she would have been.
She cleared her throat, rattling her brain to shake loose a few words. "I thought that you were in trouble?"
"Remus told you, huh? Nah, Pince can be an old crow sometimes, but Pete put on the waterworks to soften the witch up. He's always been able to do that to get us out of a bind," he said and Emilia looked back at the said boy over her shoulder, catching his eyes briefly before he turned away from watching Emilia and Sirius to instead direct his attention to Potter to talk with him.
"No detention?" she inquired.
"I barely escaped with my head intact, but none of that, thankfully."
"Right."
Once more, Emilia couldn't help but think that that would hail an end to their conversation and she would walk away but she continued to linger for a moment longer, as if she wanted to say something else but nothing offered itself up so she stood there like an idiot in front of Sirius, shuffling on her feet as he stared down at her.
He cast a look back to where she had been sitting before turning back to her, the strap of her bag on her shoulder. "Are you actually leaving? Did you even have anything to eat?"
"Yeah. I want to get some homework done," she told him but then realised how much of a lousy excuse it was since she was already more than on top of her work and the excuse had unconsciously come out of her mouth out of habit before she could catch it.
He let out a sigh. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately and Emilia wondered if she was to fault for it. "Do you ever just have a moment to yourself?"
He had told her the day before that she shouldn't be stuck by herself and the answer was the same then as it was this time, only she couldn't get the words out. It was sad, really, pathetic even and Emilia's throat tightened as she looked up at Sirius, unable to give him a proper response.
And then Emilia wondered if the reason she was so bothered by Sirius Black was not because of their unfortunate beginning, but rather because he was actually trying – it was new, alien and it unnerved Emilia that he was trying to talk to her, befriend her, even hang out with her and he wasn't bothered that she would reject him, ignore him time and time again and each failure that greeted him was more incentive to succeed.
And she realised the problem was her – she had always known that but this second realisation caused her stomach to knot itself, that choking feeling in her throat and it was frustration more than anything that Sirius still tried time and time again to be... was he trying to be her friend? Emilia wasn't sure and she cursed him for his stubbornness. It was an admirable quality to never give up in any other circumstances, and she didn't understand why he put the same effort into her.
A watery smiled prickled her mouth as she felt herself loosen up, that taught, unsure feeling in her body dissipating. "Have fun, your friends are waiting."
Sirius looked at her as if he didn't want the conversation to end but was left with no choice as Emilia brushed past him, left standing in the Great Hall for a moment before Peter called his name to get his attention. Emilia made her way up through the tables until she neared the door, pausing to take a glance back to see Sirius climbing over the seat, talking with Remus about something and Potter was telling a joke to Peter, causing the latter to laugh. She watched, a feeling that felt all too like anger towards her self rose up in her chest as she dared to feel envy.
Emilia had no one to blame but herself and it was only right she make herself watch as Sirius talked with his friends and laugh with them when she denied herself the very same thing. In her chest, that tight feeling became heavier, weighing her down and making Emilia feel stuck beneath the surface of a sea of static that she was drowning in.
a heads up that i am completely in love with remus lupin so even though this is completely an oc x sirius fic, it means that some part of emilia will always be in love with remus lupin i love my moon wolf boy
emilia's character, after being stripped of being someone who appears as being cold and uncaring, is actually someone who is just really insecure and she self doubts all the time. people might be annoyed that this is the kind of person she is but people don't just overcome feeling like this especially when theyve been this way their whole life.
Considering how different she and Sirius are, it's not a case of her thinking "im not worthy of your attention" but rather "why do you even want to be friends with me" type beat. She's not meant to be so likeable from the get go (it would be strange if she were likeable and then for her to have no friends), but this means character growth and development is in store!
song of choice while writing: jealousy by olivia rodrigo (yet another one of emilia's anthems)
Thanks for reading!