"You don't even understand, Darry. I love Lydia, and I like being around her all the time. Why can't you just let me live my life?"

Darry slammed the driver's side door of his pickup truck, starting the engine as Pony climbed in the passenger seat. "What the hell, Pony? I am. I'm just reminding you that you're also about to start your senior year of high school. This is a crucial time in your life."

Pony rolled his eyes as the truck pulled away from Lydia's house, where he'd spent the last few hours with his girlfriend. "That's what you said when I started my junior year. Besides, I'm set for college, and that has nothing to do with my relationship."

"Look, all I'm really trying to say here is you're too young to get serious with a girl. School aside, you still have a ton of growing to do."

"I'm seventeen, Dar. Not seven. Soda was serious with girls when he was my age, and I bet you were too."

"This ain't about me, Pone. Or Soda. Who's not the best example for you to lean on, by the way."

"She's not going to cheat on me. We're in love."

"Yeah, until when? Christmas break?"

"I don't know. Maybe forever."

"Doubt it, kiddo. You're using protection, right?"

Pony remembered his first time with Lydia and how much he'd fumbled with the condom, afraid of killing the mood before they even really got started. He remembered how it felt, the touches going from awkward to sensual. "Of course I am. I'm not stupid."

"So you are sleeping together then."

"So what? You and Maryanne have sex too, and no one questions you about it."

Darry drove the truck into their driveway and cut the engine. "I'm an adult, Pony. And no one needs to remind me to be safe."

"I don't know why you offered to drive me if you just wanted to start a lecture." Pony exited the truck, eager to escape what had become a conversation he didn't wish to have. "We're home, so you can drop the big brother parent act now."

Darry followed Pony, the two heading inside the house. "Act? Is that what you think this is?"

"Yeah, I do and-" Pony was cut off short by the sight in the kitchen as Soda's arms were just releasing Steve. "Hey, what's going on? Are you okay?"

Steve shared a look with Soda as he replied. "Yeah, Kid. Nothing's wrong. Just needed a minute. That's all."

Pony was less than convinced as Steve went outside, the door to the back porch slamming shut behind him. "Is he lying, Soda?"

Darry had joined both of his brothers in the kitchen, replying before Soda could do so. "Don't, Ponyboy Michael. Just 'cause I started a conversation you didn't want to have doesn't mean you can make Steve into a target."

Soda sensed the looming tension that used to be much more common between the oldest and youngest Curtis. "All right, what's going on with you two? And no, Steve ain't lyin', Pone. He did just need a minute."

Pony's gaze lingered on Steve for a second as he saw him smoking a cigarette outside, but he then shifted his attention back to his own issue. "Darry thinks I'm too serious about Lydia. Tell him I'm seventeen, Soda. Tell him I can make my own decisions."

"Well, I think he's allowed an opinion. That doesn't mean he's decidin' for you. I'm sure he told me the same thing when I was your age."

"Of course you're on his side!"

"I ain't on anybody's side, Pony. It's just that I can-"

"Never mind. Both of ya'll leave me and my relationship the hell alone."

Soda heard Darry sigh as their little brother disappeared down the hall, the forceful slam that followed not a surprise. "What did you say to him, Darry? Why's he so worked up?"

Darry used all the restraint he had not to snap at Soda, knowing he hadn't earned that at all. "I told him he's spending an awful lot of time with Lydia and that he's too young to be so serious with a girl."

"You had to know he'd argue with you, Dar. He really loves her, and you can't change that just because he's still a kid."

"He says he's in love with her, Soda."

"Yeah. I knew that already. He told me as soon as he realized it. And if you didn't come off so much like you're critical of him, he might be more open with you too."

"I'm not critical. I just want him to know what I think he should do and what's right."

"That's kind of what critical means, big brother. And if you are that way, you'll never be able to give him any advice ever because he'll resent anything you say, even if it is reasonable."

Darry chuckled as he listened to Soda, marveling at the wisdom his brother had gained over the years. "In other words, he's not going to hear me out at all right now."

Nope. But give him some time. He'll feel better soon enough."

Darry tipped his head toward Steve. "How about him? Everything all right?"

It was Soda's turn to sigh as he stared out the window at his best friend. "I think so. It's just this time of year. Later next month is two years since his overdose, and the rest of it is two years since a few other things too. It's hittin' him kind of hard, and he didn't expect it to."

"Well, I think we're all familiar with how memories and anniversaries tend to affect us differently as the years go by. Each go-round's not necessarily the same as the last."

"Yeah, but Steve's been one to really go through every part of his attempt. He knows where he stands with it and everything involved. There are things, though, that even us two haven't talked about in a long time."

"So, maybe you should then. If it's what Steve needs."

Soda had experienced his own flash of memories when Steve mentioned the weeks which had led up to his attempt, the fears that had twisted him up inside back then just as palpable today. "We probably will. He was holdin' back from talkin' about any of this at first 'cause he wanted to protect me, but he doesn't have to do that. I'm all right with things now."

"I think that's just Steve's default reaction, little buddy." Darry reached for Soda, arm around his brother's shoulders as he kissed his forehead.

"What was that for, Dar? I don't look that bad, do I?"

"No. You don't. It's just a reminder."

"Of what?"

"That I love you, Pepsi Cola. I've got one brother pissed at me, but that doesn't mean I can't tell the other how I feel about him."

"You can tell Pony too."

"If he'll listen. I'll go take care of him while you take care of Steve. It seems both of them need a little help."

"I ain't sure what to tell him, Darry."

The oldest Curtis could've laughed as he imagined Soda unable to figure out how to talk to Steve, knowing the two had a rapport that came naturally. "Then just be there. The words will come to you, little buddy. They always do, and I bet Steve needs a few reminders too. Everybody does at least once in a blue moon."

"It was no big deal, man. Not the greatest timing in the world, but I didn't mind the kid asking a couple of questions. It's actually nice to know he gives a damn."

Soda joined Steve on the back porch steps, ready to continue what they'd started inside. "Of course he does. So, about what you were tellin' me-"

Steve was quick to stop Soda from going any further. "I can't, all right? I can't dig into that time too. Besides, we did then anyway. It's over, and I know it wasn't easy for you either."

"No, it wasn't. But my head wasn't so bad yet. Not in such a dark place the way yours was." Soda suddenly realized what he needed to point out, even if he wasn't sure how his friend would take it. "Stevie, I feel like everything that happened with me after your attempt kind of overshadowed your struggles. I mean, I know it helped you a lot to help me heal too, but that might be why it's easier to see your overdose as a beginning when it really wasn't."

"So what's your point, Soda? What am I supposed to do?"

"I think you need to do what feels harder and go where Laura took you. You said some questions she asked triggered somethin', so tell me about that." Soda could hardly bear the expression on Steve's face as he comprehended the words meant to guide him, so he grasped his friend's hand for his own sake as well. "Buddy, it feels like such a long time ago, you dig what I mean? It feels weird to remember a time when we didn't have these regular conversations about bein' suicidal or other stuff related to that. When we were just tryin' to figure out how to handle these problems that felt way too big for us."

"Yeah, it does feel weird." Steve found himself slowly following Soda's lead as he remembered what it had been like to fight against ever being left alone, to engage in battle with his own mind when it believed death was the way to go." "And it hurts more to think about that time than it does the rest."

"'Cause you needed those talks we didn't know how to have yet. And for this, there's nowhere to focus except on yourself. It's not a bad thing, but so much of the time after your overdose, you focused on me. You did that inside too, and I think it was helpin' you avoid what you're needin' to talk through."

"But I really do want to protect you, Soda. I wasn't just using that."

"I know. And believe me, I love that about you. But it ain't necessary right now. We're not talkin' about when I was shot, my flashbacks, or any of my trauma. We're only talkin' about you here and-"

"You were scared then too. I scared you and my dad. I made you guys worry. I made you cry You even ran away from me once. I yelled about God and couldn't trust him. I was mad at myself and at Evie. I was messed up when I first met Grace. I had flashbacks all the time and the worst feelings I've ever been forced to deal with." Steve got up from the porch step, the familiar backyard not enough to keep his spirit from spiraling into a past that had nearly cost him his life. "And remembering all of this hurts more than the memories of my overdose. Because my attempt happened in pieces, and each of those pieces brought me another step closer. Each one did something the others couldn't."

Soda had left his seat as well and was right behind Steve, hands squeezing his friend's shoulders. "I know. I remember how you seemed like you'd gotten to such a good place by the time that summer was over. You told me about bein' abused. You and your dad made things right between ya'll. You got into counseling and did a lot of talkin' with Laura. I wasn't always so sure you'd be okay 'cause it was a really tough time. But you were able to get what you needed and turn it all around."

"Yeah. I thought I could just live my life, you know? Even with the flashbacks. Talking about them, sharing with you and my dad worked." Steve walked to the tree in the middle of the Curtises' yard, sitting down underneath its branches. "Until it didn't. Until they wouldn't let me just be a normal guy. Until I had memories so strong that a romantic dinner with my girlfriend became traumatic. After that, it was like I lost all the confidence I had to shame, guilt, and panic attacks. I couldn't keep it together anymore, especially not when I found out about Evie cheating. That made everything hurt even more."

Soda, who was now on the ground at Steve's side, would always remember the state he had been in following such a revelation, as his friend became so desperate for comfort at a time that he'd felt like nothing he could offer would be enough. "Yeah, she didn't handle any of that well. I remember how you had a hard time just 'cause of how she took your flashbacks so personally. I didn't like how she came off like she was blamin' you for somethin' you couldn't help. I also remember how you reached out to me after you heard she kissed somebody else. As much pain as you were in, you did the best thing for yourself, Stevie. Maybe you weren't ready yet to admit the rest, but you did stay safe anyway."

Steve knew what Soda meant because he'd never forget how he'd told his friend he couldn't be alone, which was the closest he would get to telling him about the suicidal thoughts at that time. "Not for long, man. It's funny to remember how hard it was for me to tell you about what I was feeling. That seemed so scary then. I could sob, yell, and curse, but those dark thoughts had to stay inside my head. I thought I could control them too because I basically did for a while."

"You did. Till you couldn't anymore."

"Yeah. Until I found myself looking for relief I couldn't get on my own. I got too scared to keep doing it by myself, and I needed someone to know what was going on. I needed someone to listen and share the burden with me."

Soda grinned as he put his arm around Steve. "And I did that, right?"

"Of course you did. I was practically shaking in my boots, but I got the words out. Twice that night, I didn't have to cope alone anymore."

"Then you told Laura, even though that was tough too."

"Right, and it seems ironic now. 'Cause things should've gotten better after I had all this support in place, but they didn't. I was already on that downward spiral, and there was no way for me to change it by then. So much has happened since, but I swear I can still see myself holding that medicine bottle the first time I thought about overdosing. And hear you interrupting what my brain was trying to tell me I should do. I remember calling my dad and asking him to come home because I looked everywhere for pills that weren't there anymore. I felt so unsafe, but I know it was the scariest time for him too. Still, he didn't shy away from making sure I could always tell him what was going on."

Soda felt Steve lean against him as he also recalled what it had been like to learn how troubling his best friend's thoughts had come to be, the ideas gradually growing into actions. "Your dad was better with it than I was, wasn't he? I felt too stunned to do anything when you first told me you'd come close to taking too many pills. I guess I could deal with you havin' the feelings you did about hurting yourself, but it was different to hear you say somethin' specific and to know it wasn't really just a thought anymore. All I could do was panic and beg you not to do it."

"It's like you said, buddy. We didn't know how to have those talks yet. You'd never take off now if I'm telling you something."

"Yeah, we've both had lots of practice in two years, huh? We're the best at stayin' close and fightin' together."

"We are. Desperation can sure open the door for bringing things into the light. I know that's what drove me back then. Despite it all, I wanted to stay alive, and to do that, I had to be transparent with you guys. It was painful as hell to be feeling the way I was and to realize how serious it got. That happened so fast. And, in the middle of it, I remember seeing God as this last-ditch hope. I prayed because I literally didn't know what else to do. I figured if he didn't hear me or didn't care, I had nothing else to lose anyway. But, if he did listen, I had everything to gain."

"That's why you went to church with your dad too. To see what you could find."

Steve closed his eyes as he pictured Grace's face the first time he'd seen her during a church service. He'd had no idea that, in his quest for spiritual guidance, he would come across someone who had answers once believed to be lost forever. "It was like a switch flipped inside me when I saw Grace. But I didn't know why. I couldn't imagine figuring it out either."

"I remember you sayin' it felt like a flashback." Soda noticed how Steve's eyes remained closed and reached over to touch his friend's cheek. "Hey, please stay with me here, Stevie. You've gone through almost everything now. You did it."

Steve remembered how Grace had looked so familiar, how that had made the wheels in his mind turn and sent him reeling with dissociation. He registered the touch on his face and opened his eyes, his best friend's gaze peering at him with a mix of concern and pride. "Yeah, I did. Seeing Grace was the tipping point for sure. My body reacted, even though my brain didn't know exactly what the trigger was. And every feeling I ever had about Clara's death came back stronger. So did every feeling I ever had about myself after the abuse. It seemed like I was just destined to get worse instead of better. Like nothing could actually help me."

"Which made you real vulnerable to believin' you wanted to die."

"Right. And you've heard all the rest, man. About the nightmare. Another flashback. The pills. We've talked through that recently enough 'cause you needed it." Steve easily remembered the night he and Soda had spent camping out in the Curtises' backyard, the two engaged in the truest form of friendship as they explored the dark territory of a suicide attempt which had thankfully not become tragic. "But I did that for me too. I needed you to know what happened in between so you would be able to stop blaming yourself. I didn't want you to have that pain either. I didn't want you to keep hurting because of a choice I made."

Soda still had his arm around Steve as Darry's words about reminders flitted through his mind. He imagined that his friend had found a few within their conversation, among them the fact that he had beaten the odds more than once by choosing to rely on those he loved and trusted by confronting the kind of abuse others would be too afraid to even acknowledge, let alone delve any deeper inside. "I know you didn't, buddy, and you helped me be okay about it when nobody else could have. You're takin' care of yourself now too by lettin' me be here to listen and going where Laura did in your session today. You're doin' everything right, Stevie."

"I am, huh?" Steve realized he did feel calmer and lighter, as if he'd relieved himself of the remaining burden which had manifested in the events leading up to his attempt. "I definitely feel better. Like something got lifted off me. Thanks for not just dropping it, brother. For telling me what you really thought I needed to do."

"Aw, you're the one who did it though. I was just here to make sure you were able to keep holdin' on to your light."

"So, what then? You and Soda decided to divide and conquer? I don't need anything, Darry. Really. I can handle myself."

Darry wondered momentarily if he should take Pony's word for it, as what happened between them had been more of a disagreement than a fight. In the end though, he chose to go with the speech he'd prepared in his head in the minutes since his little brother stormed off to his room. "I have no doubt that you can, Pone. But I have a few things I need to say myself, starting with how my questions and concern are absolutely not an act. I thought we'd moved past the whole idea that I don't care about you. I do, and that's the only reason I said anything today. It's not that I don't want you to date or run your own life. I do want you to be independent and make your own decisions, but part of being your guardian is telling you when I notice anything that could become a problem. It's my responsibility to make sure you're prepared for risks and consequences, and I can only do that by talking to you about them when the need arises."

Pony had already known Darry was coming from a good place, but he simply hadn't quite outgrown the propensity to accuse his big brother of the opposite. "Are you done? I didn't mean it when I said it was an act. I know you care about me. But I don't like the feeling that you don't approve of what I do. And no matter how much time goes by, it's always going to be weird to answer to my big brother about certain things. Especially sex."

Though it seemed like the most distant memory now, Darry did remember what being a seventeen-year-old boy was like and how he hadn't always wanted to communicate with his parents about his personal life. He'd even resented the questions they asked, and his dad in particular had never been one to shy away from the most intimate and embarrassing topics. "Look, I get that, Pone. I do. But, even if I wasn't your guardian, I'd tell you the same things about girls. It's not all me trying to be a parent. That might make it more intense because I'm responsible for you, but I'm also being an older brother. I've been where you are, and maybe that's what I need to work on remembering. I wanted Mom and Dad's approval too, though I think I always had it. Despite all the advice and questions, they did trust me."

Pony hadn't truly gotten to find out how it was to be a teen boy with parents. He'd only been thirteen when their mom and dad died, basically still a kid, so he'd missed much of what he should've had the privilege to share with them. "Do you trust me then? Do I have your approval? Sometimes you don't sound like it."

"I do trust you, kiddo. I don't mean to sound that way. It just comes out all wrong when we talk."

As Pony saw the expression on Darry's face that reminded him of the one he'd worn at the hospital just over three years prior, he couldn't help wondering if he'd been too hard on his big brother. At the same time, he also knew the exact feelings which had driven it, the idea of distrust the least of them. "Darry, when you talk to me the way you did earlier, it feels like you don't respect me and even like you're invalidating my choices and feelings. I know what I'm doing, and I have more common sense than anybody gives me credit for. I'm not clueless, and I understand that my relationship with Lydia might not last forever. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't be in it. I also understand that I'm not an adult yet and that it's important for me to graduate. My head ain't in the clouds as much as it used to be, and I think I've earned the right to make decisions without you doubting my capability."

Darry remembered how Soda had used the word critical to describe his interactions with Pony, realizing their middle brother had hit the nail on the head. "I'm sorry, Ponyboy. I swear I never meant to sound disrespectful, and you have earned the right to decide things for yourself. I never want to be somebody who invalidates what you tell me either." Darry put his hand on Pony's wrist as their eyes met in a moment of mutual understanding. "You are such a smart and capable young man. And what I should've told you earlier today is that I was in love when I was your age too."

"Really? I didn't know that. Who was she?"

"Well, you would've been what? Eleven at the time? You and I lived in pretty different worlds then. But her name was Pamela Walker. She was my first love."

"So, if you loved her, what happened? Why didn't you stay together?"

"Because we were just kids. I think there was a novelty to our being together that wore off after a while."

"How long were you together?"

"About six months. So most of our senior year. We did everything as a couple. Had a lot of dates. She came to my games. Met Mom and Dad."

"I don't get it. If you were in love, how does that wear off? Six months is a lot of time, but if it's real, isn't it supposed to last?"

Darry recalled a time when he had thought the same, unable to grasp that his and Pamela's feelings for one another may not be permanent. "I don't think the love itself wore off. Just the newness and the high. And I don't think it was real, not like the kind of love I've experienced since anyway."

"You mean with Maryanne?"

"Yes. But with you and Soda too. Real love is steady and stays when there's no incentive or excitement. My teenage self loved Pamela in the fun moments and in the pace that came with high school and football. She loved me too. But once things slowed down, it wasn't the same."

"Did you break up with her?"

"It was more of a mutual thing. We both knew we weren't really meant to be."

"You slept with her?"

"Several times. And you better believe Dad was on my back about it. I swear he could look at me and know when I'd had sex."

Pony's eyes widened at this, a blush creeping into his cheeks at the thought of anyone having such a sense about him. "That sounds so embarrassing."

"It was. But Dad started the awkward conversations early on with both me and Soda. The two of us were clear on protection and consent by the time we even considered actually having sex. It wasn't just that sort of stuff he took care of with us though. He also made sure we'd be gentlemen. I think Dad realized we'd see plenty of bad examples, and he wanted to counter that as much as he could."

"I hope you know I've been a gentleman to Lydia. Even without Dad here now, I learned that from him and from you and Soda. And there's nothing we've done that she didn't want to do with me. It wasn't this impulsive decision either. We were together six months before we had sex. I've been as responsible as I can be about it too."

"I'd expect nothing less, Pone." Darry mirrored his earlier actions, his arm around the youngest brother this time as he kissed his forehead "I'll do better from now on, I promise. You need a big brother, not a critic."

Pony, for just a moment, imagined that it was his dad who had kissed him. He took the chance to lay his head on Darry's chest, feeling his brother wrap him in a hold that encompassed the most authentic definition of love. "I miss Dad, Dar. And Mom too."

"I know. So do I." As much as Darry hadn't expected their talk to become one of reminiscence, he welcomed the opportunity to find common ground with his brother, especially since Pony had once considered him to be cold and unfeeling. "That never changes. Time has helped us all adjust, but it doesn't make the grief leave."

"Some days, it feels like such a long time ago too. But they haven't even been gone four years yet. And Johnny and Dal have been gone for almost three. Even now, I'm not sure how I got through any of it. How I kept living."

"You just did, Pone. 'Cause there was nothing else to do and no other way."

Pony lifted his head from Darry's chest as he thought about those he'd loved and lost, their memory making him sad and grateful in equal measures. "They all would've liked Lydia. Well, not Dal. He didn't like any nice girls. But Johnny would've loved her, and so would Mom and Dad."

Darry kept one arm around Pony as he studied the teen's face, seeing the features that were no longer those of a little boy, but also not quite those of a man. "Of course they would. Just 'cause you do. Look, Pony, I think there are times that I forget you're not really a kid anymore. I can tell you that you're not grown up yet, but you're damn close."

"Yeah, I guess I am. So, what about it then? Are you going to start treating me like a real adult?"

"Nice try. But no. I'm just thinking that telling you you're too young to be serious with a girl makes me miss my own point. It's bad advice because it can't help you. Hell, it's not even advice. Soda called it my opinion, and that's all it is."

"Okay. Sounds like you're missing your own point again. Or at least I am."

Darry's hands moved to Pony's shoulders, his grip secure as he spoke. "I should've told you that the healthiest thing you can do in a relationship is to hold on to yourself too. Don't make it your whole identity. Spend time with your friends and on hobbies, with everyone and everything else you still have. So, no matter which way the romance goes, you won't have your entire existence depending on it. Sure, maybe Lydia is the one for you, but if she's not, I don't want you to feel totally lost when you do break up. Have the love, enjoy it. But please don't make that the center of your life because you never know when the flame will decide to burn out."