Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

Who's That Father?

The Game (2002)

(Then: Cerberus Elementary)

An orange-furred Hellpup crossed his arms and slouched as he sat outside of the Principal's office beside a larger black-furred pup. Both of them had dried blood coming from their snouts and their clothes were torn up. This was the third time both of them had crossed paths in the hallway and the last time they'd let a bump or jostle pass without incident. The fight went on for a good twenty minutes and didn't stop until three staff members could pry the smaller of the two off the larger, who immediately had to be held back by two others before he could lunge in and start it up again.

"...You're tough for a Runt."

"Fuck you, Chonk-a-Zord."

"Nah, you're too small for me. I'd probably never feel it."

"And you're so fat, I'd probably get squished if you even looked at me like that."

"...What's your name?"

"You first, fatty."

"Vortex Nubis."

"You're kidding. Like that hobby shop up on Twizzle?"

"That's Dad's place." Vortex nodded. "Who the fuck are you?"

"Naruto Uzumaki."

"That's a name?" Vortex snorted. "Sounds like them Kitsune fucks from The Mountainside...The fuck does that even mean?"

"It means 'Pure Awesome,' ya jackass." The orange pup, Naruto, grumbled. Vortex scoffed.

"Bullshit."

"You wanna go again?" Naruto growled and sat forward. "Last I recall, I had your bitch ass on the ground!"

"You jumped me, ya stupid fuck!"

"Cuz you tripped me for a laugh, you overweight dipshit!"

"HEY!" A large brown-furred, mottled Hellhound barked as he poked his head out and glared at the two. "You two little brats are to sit out here quietly! This is your last warning, and you better fuckin' behave, Uzumaki. The Matron's not gonna be happy you started another fight. This is strike two. One more, and you're done."

"Whatever." Naruto huffed and slumped back in his seat.

"The fuck does that mean?" Vortex frowned. The smaller pup growled.

"Doesn't matter."

"It means the little shit would get shipped off to some 'mandatory' reconditioning. The kind that makes him a perfect little toy." the Hellhound explained as he glared at the orange-furred Hellpup. Naruto glared back until the older hound dipped back into the office. He slumped in his seat and his ears went back and his tail curled around his legs as he pulled them up onto the chair.

"...You live at the Orphanage?" Vortex asked.

"What's it to ya?" Naruto grunted.

"Are the rumors true?"

"Which ones you wanna know about?"

"...How 'bout that one?"

"Eh," Naruto shrugged. "Some pups get shipped off to other Orphanages for better chances, others get shipped to 'facilities' to be trained 'n shit. Most of the ones that would be the latter run away before that happens. S'what I plan to do."

"Run away?" Vortex blinked two black eyes. "And, what, join a Pack?"

"Yeah. I got a few connections with the Eastbrook Eaters." Naruto smirked. "Then I'll be out of this shithole."

"Sounds optimistic."

"Better than wastin' away here, or gettin' shipped off to some other shithole."

"Or you could stop pickin' fights."

"I don't pick fights." Naruto growled and let his tail drop down again. "I finish 'em."

"Yeah, obviously." Vortex snorted. "Which is why I'm still sittin' here."

"Yeah, well...You're too fat to feel any of my hits, Nubis." Naruto sneered. Vortex growled at him and the two glared and growled at each other before they smirked. The Principal's door opened and a different Hellhound poked her head out, a shorter Bulldog-like She-Hound. She smiled at the two.

"Alright, boys. Come on in. I'm ready to hear your story."

"Yes, Principal Rubinstein." The two pups droned as they hopped up and walked into the office.

(Now: Verosika Mayday's (Temporary) Offices)

Vortex stared at his girlfriend. He hadn't expected a second visit to his work so soon, especially not after the shit that happened in Beelzehaven – He hated that he didn't know until after he got settled in an apartment up top, that he hadn't been able to get Verosika to postpone the quick tour for positive PR – but she didn't smell like Naruto and Sex, so he wasn't going to complain. Which meant she either washed it all off before she popped in, or she hadn't gotten to it yet. Or there was the slim chance she dropped the idea.

Still, again, her visit wasn't a glorious brag or a fuck-gush session – he'd heard so many stories about her many ex-lovers that it made it hard for Vortex to look at certain Hellhound breeds the same way again, for example: he would never leave his back to chihuahua-like Hellhounds, and always kept an eye or ear on them – but one to drop a bomb on him. A bomb he didn't realize would be such.

"You're...You're serious?"

"Dead ass." Bee nodded.

"She's not mine?"

"Nope."

"...You're sure?"

"For the love of–Yes!" Bee threw her arms up and collapsed onto the bed beside him. "Foodies abound, Vortex, I thought you'd be ecstatic! Like, don't get me wrong, I'd love to see a little you runin' around, probably a cute little menace, but you said it yourself that you didn't want to be a fuckin' dad!"

"..I..Thought I would be happier, too." Vortex admitted as he stared down at his claws. He felt a twist in his gut, like he'd been stabbed. There was a lift of some weight, for sure, but the rest of it just wasn't..He didn't know how to put words to it.

"Oh! Hey, you've got a TV here, right? C'mon, there's gonna be a City Council Meeting you're gonna want to see!"

"..You've never been interested in politics," Vortex said with a furrowed brow as he let his girl drag him over to a sitting area and couch.

"Of course not! It's a total snooze fest," she said with a scoff as she dropped herself in his lap. She conjured a big bowl of popcorn and a remote. She had a toothy grin on her face. "This? It's not gonna be any other City Council Meeting."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say I made my first donation to the Wild Things' reconstruction effort." Bee giggled to herself before she shushed him. "Quiet, it's starting."

(Now: Beelzehaven, City Hall – Grand Hall)

Chaos had dominated Beelzehaven for all of one day. Then, with but a single command to "HEEL" from their Queen Bee that echoed across the Ring, the chaos stopped. Let it be known that while Queen Bee-Lzebub enjoyed a good party, that while she loved seeing her Hounds get wild and crazy and enjoy their lives to the fullest, she drew the fucking line at a missile blowing up a building she was in.

Go figure.

Most of the Packs of Hellpups that roamed Beelzebub streets willingly went back to their respective hideouts with their tails between their legs so that the BHPD and other emergency services could get to work helping the injured and scared. Those that didn't were put down by the swarm of Wild Things that tore through the city during their hunt for the traitors to their company. It was a regrettable act To be allowed, but it was a risk that Hell couldn't afford. Hellhounds that wouldn't obey Queen Bee weren't worth keeping around.

Still, the reason for the chaos hadn't been determined, or if it had, hadn't been shared with the citizens. It only took a day for the discourse to start to spread among the populace once more, and that sort of thing really killed Queen Bee's vibes. So, the 'politicians' – afraid their power would be usurped by their Sin's interference in their business and driven by their want for things to return to the old normal – decided to act. They announced a City Hall Meeting almost a week after the attack took place.

It went about as well as one could have expected.

"Quiet...I said, QUIET!" Mayor Leaper demanded as he pounded a gavel on the table. The rowdy and rambunctious Hellhounds of the city that could get in were still barking wildly, demanding answers, some asking questions that no one had answers to. News stations from every Ring had cameras rolling, and across the Seven Rings of Hell, Hellhounds were tuned in wherever they could be.

"Leonard, sit down and shut the fuck up." Chief of Police Tsume Zuka pulled the shorter Hellhound back and stood up. She drew her sidearm and fired into the air multiple times. The raucous Hellhounds went quiet with whines and whimpers. The Police Chief holstered her sidearm and sat back down. She looked at the Mayor with one eye. "There. Floor's yours."

"...Yes, um, ahem. Thank you, Chief Tsume. Aherm-hem, my fellow Bitches and Hounds of Beelzehaven, I feel your pain. Five days ago, our calm, peaceful city was disrupted by an attack on our Sin," Mayor Leaper said as he spoke into the microphone in front of him. "We do not have confirmation...on suspects at this time, but we are pursuing leads."

"Bullshit!"

"How did a fucking missile get fired into the city!?"

"Isn't it your dumbasses' jobs to prevent that sort of thing?!"

"Packs attacked the elementary school! What's next?! Our homes?! The clubs?! The Bars?!"

"I can't deal with these idiots." Mayor Leaper grumbled and Chief Tsume clapped a hand over her face. She growled at him.

"You're supposed to cover the microphone before you gripe, you moron!"

"...Ah."

No sooner was that revelation made did Hellhounds start to bark and snarl again...Until City Hall's doors flew open with a bang.

In trudged a fatigue clad, white-coated Hellhound that topped out at nine-feet and two inches. One hand was behind him, dragging a whimpering, emancipated Hellhound that had clearly been tortured given the gruesome, untreated injuries he was covered in. The very thick bloodstain that followed him as he was dragged by a hind leg showed how little the larger Hellhound cared about his health. Once they were in the center of the room, the white Hellhound dropped the leg and then stomped on it, a loud snap echoed in the hall followed by a sharp howl of agony from the hound in question.

"Stay." The white hound snarled. He stormed up to the politician table and bounded up to the stage it was set upon with a single, effortless leap. He glared down at each and every Hellhound seated there.

"...J-...Jiraiya?" Mayor Leaper asked. "What...is there a reason–?"

"There's a working mic. Thank you, Lenny." The white hound, Jiraiya, grabbed the one set in front of the mayor that had a wireless connection set. A jerk and it was ripped from its stand. He turned and smiled at the quieted Hounds. "Hello everyone, you may know me, you might not. You may very well recognize my uniform as the standard attire of my grandson's mercenary company. The very same one that's been targeted by the same fuckers that attacked our city. So, you may think you need to waste time blaming us for this."

"Are you say–?!"

In a single motion, the sidearm on Jiraiya's hip was drawn and fired into the face of the old, grey-furred Schnauzer-Hound City Councilman. The Hellhounds in the Hall went quiet. Jiraiya's growl was transmitted by the microphone he held.

"Note how I said 'may'; it's not that you have to. I ain't got time for that shit, because I'm not fuckin' playin' around right now. Y'see, kiddos, I'm what they call 'Old Skool', and the Old Skool, we don't get even, we get back." Jiraiya dropped down to walk back to the whimpering hound he'd dragged in. "Now this lousy, worthless sack of shit!" He stepped on the Hound's broken leg and got another howl of agony. "Is the same sack of shit that fired the missile that blew up the room our Sin was in–"

"I didn't know! I didn't know!" the hound grabbed at Jiraiya's leg. "Please! Please, don't kill me-he-he!"

"Shut. Up." Jiraiya snarled and backhanded the hound. He straightened up and looked over the crowd. "As I was saying, this whimpering piece of fuck is Coati Reeds. Like some of you, he grew up in Beelzehaven, ran with Packs as a Pup...Got involved in merc work as most of us do. As I do. Two years ago, he made the best fuckin' decision of his worthless fucking life and signed up with Wild Things Facilitated."

A murmur went through the crowd, but it went quiet as more Hellhounds, dressed in the same garb as Jiraiya, started to file in. There were ten in total, various sizes and breeds, with cloth pulled up over their muzzles, and all armed with automatic weaponry. They filed up and took strategic positions that gave them advantage. One of the officers at the front tried to stop one of the mercenaries from taking his position and got a rifle butt to the muzzle, which knocked him out cold.

"You want it done right? You get wild tonight! Great slogan, right? Yeah, that was all me." Jiraiya bragged with a wide grin before his grin fell and he glared down at Coati. "You see, we operate under a familial bond, not unlike a Pack bond. And most of us know that you don't break Pack bonds...Except this slimy fuck!" He stomped on the broken leg again and Coati wailed. "Did!" Jiraiya snarled. He shifted his gaze around and then glared up at the City Council. "But in his defense...He was just doing the job he was hired for."

Jiraiya whistled and nodded at the trembling, small mayor. He was grabbed by two of the Wild Things mercenaries and hauled down to stand in front of Jiraiya. He whimpered and whined.

"Tsume! Tsume do something!"

"...Alright." The Chief of Police closed her one working eye and crossed her arms. "This is me. Doing something."

"No...No, Wh-What?" Mayor Leaper whined as he was pushed down to his knees by a rifle barrel. "I...Everything was fine...everything was just fine–"

"No." Jiraiya growled and leaned down to look him in the eye. "Everything was fine for you. You were happy to look the other way with a nice fucking fat pocket as puppies were stolen and sold! As food! As bodies! As sexual entertainment! Motherfucker, we already live in Hell, you really gotta fall that fuckin' far!?"

"Th-They were just street urchins! Hoodlums! Criminals in the making!"

"No shit! Again, we're in Hell." Jiraiya snorted and grabbed his throat. He stood up to his full height and held the Mayor above the ground. "But those weren't your puppies to sell. What if we went and gathered up yours, huh? You have a pup you don't want to keep? Oh, that's right, yours had to fight to prove they were such! But most of us don't have that fucking holdup, so what makes you so fuckin' special that you get to decide what puppies get to grow up?!"

"I...Any one of you bastards would've done the same thing!" Mayor Leaper snarled. "You ungrateful fucks! Do you know what I've sacrificed to keep this city as free as it is?! What I've done, what deals I made?!"

"And that's where you're fuckin' wrong, you Greedy, little, bitch." Jiraiya growled in his face. "You're in the wrong fuckin' Ring. Gluttony ain't about hoarding money or power! Gluttony is living life to the fuckin' fullest and beyond until it's fuckin' over! You stopped doin' that the second you started taking money from that Greed Family. To look away so they could profit off our blood, off of our lives! You stopped protecting your own, so, it's my fuckin' honor to tell you – and the rest of you dumbfuck shitters watching at home!" Jiraiya whirled around to glare at cameras right in the lenses before he turned his glowing red eyes back to the Mayor in his hands. "That you've been formally impeached, Mayor Leaper. Now comes the removal."

"...Don't do this. I'm your mayor, Jiraiya! Y-Your friend!"

"It's out of my hands, Leonard. The Queen Bee ordered it. Guess you should've stopped when you had the chance." Jiraiya half-shrugged and dropped the microphone from his hand. He cradled Mayor Leaper's head in his claws even as the Hellhound whimpered and pled for mercy. A jerk and a twist and the mayor dropped dead with a broken neck. The crowd of Hellhounds gasped, several new murmurs started and cameras flashed as the white hound started to walk away.

"Shit, that's right." Jiraiya then stopped with a snap of his fingers. He came back and grabbed the microphone he discarded. "Ah, right. Yeah, so...The Mayor did it, shocker. Paid to have us dealt with because we were intruding on his business. Well, his political funding's side-business. Long story short, no more city council, no more mayor, at least not for a while."

The mutters that passed through the crowd were then stopped by a cleared throat.

"Anyway, we still have Coati to deal with." He smirked and pointed at the doors. "And dealing with him tonight...weighing in at Unholy fuck that's a lot of Hellhound! Our executioner...c'mon down, Brat!"

A nine and a half foot tall Hellhound was already walking in with a sledgehammer in his right hand when the Jiraiya pointed at him. He huffed and glared at the older Hellhound.

"You're having too much fucking fun."

"And you're being a sourpuss. Reasonable though it may be."

"Just fuckin' get him set up."

"You got it," Jiraiya said with a smirk. "Boss."

"No! No, no, no, no, no!" Coati whimpered and whined as Jiraya started to get him squared away in the open space before the City Council table. Mayor Leaper's body was already shoved aside. Coati sobbed as he was put in the 'Bitch' position, knives stabbed into his hands and broken legs to keep him in place. The tall orange Hellhound walked up and used the head of the sledgehammer to gently tilt his head up by his chin. His tail curled far between his legs and he trembled. "Please, please Naruto! I didn't know she was in the building! I didn't know! I would never–!"

"I'm sick of hearing your fuckin' voice, Reeds." Cold blue eyes glared down at him and the massive hound crouched down to look him in the eye. His words were caught by the microphone, but he didn't care. "You know very well what I've been dealing with and you still took that fuckin job under the table." He paused to work his jaw for a moment and looked at the residual damage the torture had left on this Hellhound. He nodded slightly. "Normally, that's the sort of shit I don't care about, at worst you'd get severance pay for attacking me, y'know, for breaking our contract. But I mean...shit, you can break my arms, you can shatter my legs, you can even blow me the fuck up, I don't care. End of the day, it's just a fuckin' job that put's money on the table. And I get that. Reeds, you're good. You're damn good, you're really fuckin' good at what you do. So, believe me, I hold no hard feelings about your attack on me."

A long silence passed before the orange hound bared his teeth in a snarl and grabbed the scruff of the traitorous hound, and pulled it taut, so that the whimpering demon would know how serious he was.

"But the second that my daughter got so much as a fuckin' scratch...Not even the powers of fuckin Lucifer himself would've been able to fix what I'd do to you."

"Please. Please, Naruto." Reeds whimpered. "I didn't know. I swear. I swear, I didn't know she was there!"

"I know. That's why I'm giving you this one last job." Naruto stood up, took the sledgehammer in two hands and measured out a swing to the crown of Coati's head. He let the head of the hammer rest on his crown for a second. "I need you to help me deliver a message."

"No! NO! Don't do this! D-Don't let him do this! Someone, help me! Anyone! Please!"

"Goodbye, Coati." Naruto lifted the hammer up.

"No–!"

THUN-RAKK

Hellhounds in the entirety of City Hall and those watching at home flinched away at the visceral sound of bone crushing beneath steel and their tails tucked between their legs.

Naruto jerked the hammer out of the back of the very dead Hellhound's skull. He then went over to Mayor Leaper's body and started mutilating it with hammer blows, snarling as he did. By the time he was done, the Eternal Mayor's head looked like a smashed, spoiled tomato, and parts of his body looked like boneless jello. With huffs of breath, Naruto dropped the hammer and gave a cold glare to the watching Hounds around him. They cowed and submitted. Satisfied, he grabbed the nearest camera and bared his teeth again.

"Mors omnibus … nullum cognomen."

(Now: Wrath, Rough N Tumbleweed Ranch)

"Mors omnibus … nullum cognomen."

Gathered in the family room, enjoying a bit of reality television before the big Harvest Moon Festival tomorrow, the farming family of Imps and their guests stared with wide eyes. They'd turned the broadcast on at the behest of their guest and daughter's boss – who had done so because his Hellhound's initial ask was ignored – and were pleasantly surprised by the carnage that had ensued. The youngest of the family started running around trying to recreate the violence while

"Un-ho-lee shit." The new ranch hand, Striker, started to laugh and slapped his thigh. "The "Wild Thing's" been unleashed, again! Hoo, do I not envy whatever sorry-ass sons-of-bitches pissed him off so much!"

"You know that Hound, Mister Striker?" Joe, the head of the family, asked. The new farmhand glanced at him and smirked.

"Personally? No, but I came across him once after an old job went south, before I decided to come home to Wrath, I was drifting through Lust at the time, y'see. Right around the Purple Riots, I was just a simple gun for hire, trying to make an honest living…" The tall, serpent-like Imp started to describe his encounter with the orange Hellhound in a grandiose manner.

"...Moxxie, honey, you okay?" Millie asked softly, upon noticing his gaze locked on the television. The Sinner duo of newscasters that no one liked were going off on the footage, taking jabs at 'dumb dogs'. Her husband blinked and looked around a few times.

"...Huh? Yeah, oh, I uh...I just...I need to make a phone call." Moxxie got up and walked away, pulling his phone out.

"..The bodies that were left there served as a warning for the rest of us. I never regretted bailing on that job, because some things in life ain't worth dying for." Striker growled as he leaned against a chair. The farming family was entranced with the ranchand, as was Blitzø. Millie almost wished she hadn't missed the story, judging by the looks on her parents faces, it was full of carnage and conflict.

"Whew, that's not a half bad story. Let me tell you about the time he kicked me through a car!" Blitzø started to brag and buffed his nails on his shirt. "I bounced back in record time, but that was one hell of a kick. Right, Loony? ...Loony-Toony? ...Anyone seen Loona?"

"She must've gone out to use the toilet." Lin shrugged as she and Striker started to gather some of the dishes. "Hounds get that urge sometimes, I hear."

"I...Huh, that actually explains a lot." Millie tapped her chin.

Loona took a drag of her cigarette and paced across the deck of the Imp's farmhouse while she looked at her phone's screen. The last time she spoke to Naruto was during that bittersweetly amazing screen time call from when he was in the tub with his puppy, and she spent the rest of the day sleeping off her chocolate-intolerance. When she did hear about the attack the day after –more recovered and roughly at a solid seventy-five percent readiness, gotta love that Hellborn rebound time – she tried calling him, but he didn't answer. She tried not to think about it and was relieved when a text was sent the day after that.

(Himawari got hurt)

That's all that Loona really needed to know. She thought about trying to visit, but Gluttony was in total lockdown. The suits behind the scenes had wanted to clean up before the 'tourists' – i.e., visiting Hellhounds like her – could come back. Queen Bee-Lzebub had made a statement yesterday – "Gotta have a chat with Mams, might be unavailable for a while. But after that, we're back to party central, bitches!" – and at that point Loona was already packing for her forced stay down in Wrath. It'd been five days since she last talked to Naruto.

"It's not weird to call." Loona muttered. She leaned on the banister and took a drag. "I mean, yeah, he's not my boyfriend, but...I should show I give a shit. Show him I'm still fuckin' interested. Right?"

The silence of the night was deafening. Loona sighed and hung her head. She growled and set her phone on the railing so she could rub at her face.

"Fuckin A...Why am I making a big fuckin deal out of it? Fuck it, just call him. Just call. Call him, dammit." She growled and flicked her mostly finished cigarette away. She glared at her reflection that was in her phone's screen. "You're such a pussy bitch, Loona."

Of course then her phone shrieked with a screen time call alert. She almost dropped it over the edge of the banister and floundered to catch it. On the caller ID screen, with his muzzle lined with smears of chocolate syrup and mashed against his puppy's worse off muzzle that was basically ten percent Bee-Scream at this point, was the DILF she was thinking about. Funny, Loona didn't remember changing his ID picture from his sexy shirtless post-fight pic...Sick-Loona must have done it early in her recovery, when her head was foggy and she was puking every other hour.

Oh shit, right, it's ringing! Answer it, Loona!

"Fuck!" Loona winced and forced a big smile on her face as she accepted the call. Two big blue eyes stared into hers and Loona blinked. They weren't the eyes she expected to see. "Oh. Hey, uh, hey, Squirt."

"Hi, Miss Loona!" The poor puppy had a bandage wrapped around the right side of her head, her ear folded slightly from its placement. Her little fluffy tail wagged non-stop as she smiled into the camera. "Are you feelin' better?"

"I...Shit, I'm pretty sure I should be asking you that question, Squirt." Loona snorted as she leaned against the railing and smiled a bit. "You're the one that got attacked by a building."

"Yeah, I'm okay." The puppy had to set the phone down when she scratched at her right ear with a whine and Loona felt a weird twinge in her chest. She wrote it off as a strangled cough when the puppy picked the phone up and smiled at her again. "My bandages come off tomorrow, and I got a really cool purple cast! See?!"

"Wow..." Loona had to force another smile when that same twinge squeezed her chest upon seeing the purple thing bound around the puppy's arm. She didn't know Hellpups could get casts that small. Shit, there were more than a few lost brats when she was growing up in Pride's orphanage that had been put down for being too 'damaged' in fights. That's why Loona made sure to pick her battles, she was already a runt, she had to fight smarter so she didn't wind up like them.

"I already got Daddy and everyone else to sign it, and I made space for you to sign it by Queen Bee– Oh! Oh! Did I tell you that we met Queen Bee?!"

"Really?" Loona felt her tail lash. When did the puppy meet Queen Bee-Lzebub? Right, she was at the office during it, for a meeting or something? Was there some kind of office party? Was the Sin the real target and Naruto's ego was just too big to accept that? ...Probably not, he seemed really at ease with his lot in life, but then again, if she was a hot, single parent with stacks of cash to throw about Willy nilly, maybe she'd be more relaxed, too. Ugh, Loona fuckin hated that reason the puppy got hurt was so vague. That twinge started to spread across her chest and she fought back a familiar twitch in her lip that made her want to snarl.

The sound of a door opening tore her thoughts away from the weird feeling and questions about the attack. Her tail started to wag when she heard that familiar gravelly voice.

"Pickle, have you seen my–? Himawari Uzumaki. What are you doing on Daddy's phone?"

"Busted." Loona teased the puppy as her ears perked up and her tail wagged.

"Talking to Miss Loona, Daddy!"

"Oh, really?" A few padded steps and–! Oh, sweet fuck, yes! He was fresh out of the shower with a towel around his waist and still dripping. Yep, this Squirt was Loona's favorite fuckin' person. Always getting her the best view of her DILF Daddy. Now, if only she could get the towel to fall by sheer will of desire alone – please? ..Or he could crouch down and get his sexy, grizzled mug in the screentime call, too. Sure, that's fine. Pretty blue eyes blinked at her before that hot little grin spread across his face. "Well, howdy-doo to you, Ma'am. I right appreciate your indulgence of my little Pickle, here."

The puppy burst into snickers while Loona's brow furrowed. What th–? Right. She's in Wrath. Wearing a flannel vest. And the backdrop behind her was...Shit. Er, not literally, but it was a ranch.

"Er, howdy." Fuck, that made her cringe. He chuckled and snatched his giggling pup up by a hug around the waist before they collapsed on a big, comforter covered bed. Shit, is that his bed? Loona could fit three of hers inside it! Let alone all the ways she could spread out in it. Or be spread out on it. Mm, she'd love to have that big orange Hellhound on top of her, his large dark paws spreading her open her smaller legs, before that sharp-toothed, slightly shaggy muzzle dove in. His claws would run up along her sides and over her stomach while she ran hers over his scalp and around his ears–

A squeal and giggles reminded her that now was not the time to fantasize about the sexy rich DILF she'd been dating. Hot shit, but she was going to definitely continue thinking about that later tonight.

"You shouldn't be snooping around Daddy's stuff, Pickle." Naruto growled into his pup's left cheek as his claws started to dance along her sides. He was mindful and careful of her injured arm, but relentless all the same in his playful assault. "Why didn't you just call Miss Loona on your phone?"

"Don't have her number! Stop, Daddy!" The puppy gasped around her laughter. Naruto chuckled, aquisited, and plucked the phone from her paw while the little squirt tried to recover. He leaned back on his pillows with an arm under his head. Sweet sadistic fuck..that was an awesome view. Again, his puppy? The Squirt? She's Loona's favorite fuckin demon right now.

"I take it you're feeling better?" He asked, the smaller sweet smile he reserved for his puppy back on his face.

"Much better." Loona bit on her lip as she took in the free show she had. Naruto opened his mouth to say something and then paused. He held a finger up and then muted his end. The camera was set face down, so she couldn't see what was happening. A long couple of minutes went by before the phone was picked up again and unmuted by its owner.

"Sorry about that. We've got a few minutes to ourselves now though until she comes back pestering you for your number." Naruto scratched his jaw as he collapsed back on the bed. Fuck that looked comfortable – the bed and the visible part of his chest. She wanted to lay on both, no discrimination on her end. "You don't have to give it to her if you don't want to."

"Huh?" Oh, fuck, did she zone out? Loona, seriously, stop fantasizing. "Uh, no. It's cool, or whatever. Probably won't be the most unreliable demon I'd given it to." She joked lamely and he still chuckled. She felt her tail wag and she pulled herself up on the banister to sit, one leg crossed over the other that dangled down. "So, um...Saw you on the news."

His smile dimmed as his ears and his shoulders visibly dropped.

"I..I would rather not talk about that. That was..not the best way to go about it."

"Fuck are you talking about? It got the message across." Loona disagreed with a snort. "Don't fuck with Wild Things."

"That ..Sure." Naruto rubbed his face. "Loona, I need to talk to you about the attack. Something happened."

"You mean aside from the whole fucking missile blowing up your office and your puppy getting hurt?" Loona arched her brow. His lip curled back briefly before he shook it away.

"Yes." He rolled to set his phone on a nightstand – bedside charger stand maybe? Those things got pricey – before he sat up, rested his hands in his lap – aw, dammit, the towel was gone. Loona was digging the tight fit of those green boxers though – and looked her in the eye as best he could on camera. "Before that happened, I was in a meeting with Queen Bee-Lzebub...The same meeting that came after Himawari and I were on the phone with you before."

Loona felt her tail curl further around her leg. This was getting very heavy and his tail thumped behind him. Not rapid, but sporadic and almost lashed.

"Okay..?"

"We both got caught in the explosion."

"Right," Loona said with a frown. She rubbed her head. "Sorry, is there a fucking point to this? And if there is, can we just cut to it?"

"Only if you want to have a stupid, fucking clichéd misunderstanding. Please let me finish." Naruto growled. She rolled her eyes and huffed, but nodded. He closed his eyes and sighed. "During the meeting, she started making her interest clear."

"...Is this a fucking break-up call?" Loona growled. She had thought they really connected – even if they hadn't even gotten to the fun and, extremely anticipated on her end anyway, physically connecting part – and part of her was hurt he wasn't willing to do this in-fucking-person. Let alone after he told his Puppy to leave so she could get her phone.

"No, god-dammit!" He growled back before he hung his head and whined. "At least, I really fucking hope its not. I'm just telling you what fucking happened, and if you don't want to believe me or just don't care then..whatever. Maybe it is one. Just– Loona, please, let me finish, okay?"

"Fine. Whatever." She frowned at him. What? Yeah, Loona was a bitch, but if she didn't get the whole story and just ended it there, she'd be the one in the wrong. If this was over already – please don't be, she was so close to getting that fucking! – she wanted to make sure had a damn good reason for it.

"Look, she made her interest known. I made it clear to her that I wasn't interested." He paused and scowled. "Or maybe she ignored that. Anyway, when the missile went off, impacted, whatever, she hit her head on my desk. And you know that stupid fucking voice that tells us to 'Protect' the higher demons?"

"...I'm familiar with it." Loona nodded. Naruto took a deep breath.

"I covered her body with mine when the ceiling and roof gave out."

...Okay. Loona thought about the footage she saw on the news of the collapsed corner of Wild Things Facilitated. She swallowed and her ears went flat. A bubble of Hope built in her stomach. Was he just confessing he had to get on top of Bee-Lzebub to protect her? Because honestly? That's kind of hot for her to think about. ...But then, he wouldn't be hesitating if that was it, would he? Fucking—Dammit, please don't let this be a break up call.

"..While I did that, I had something digging into my spine." He turned to show off his sexy sculpted back and the patch of fur that was shaved away, a dark purple, ring-like scar on his exposed skin. He turned back and started to growl and snarl. "And after the fucking eternity it took for her to wake the fuck up, the bitch kept grinding on me. Like it wasn't bad enough that I was getting slowly penetrated by a steel rod, but she had to fucking blue-ball me!"

"..Can we go back to the penetrating part?" Loona blinked. "You were, what, stabbed?"

"Impaled, penetrated, stabbed, pick your verb. The point is that it fucking HURT, and kept hurting, and I had no idea where the fuck my puppy was or if she was okay!" Naruto snarled as he stood up and started to pace. His tail lashed from one side to the next and Loona wanted to ..be angry? Hurt? Jealous? She was feeling a lot of mixed emotions right now, it was hard to pick just one. "And the whole time that shit is going on, this cheeky Bitch, this fucking Sin that we devote ourselves to, is trying to get my fucking pants off!"

Well, Loona couldn't exactly blame her for that. She's been trying to do that for two and a half weeks now. If not longer. She still wasn't happy.

"So, you fucked the Sin that was interested in you?" Loona would fucking understand that. Yeah, it hurt, a fucking lot, but–

"No, goddammit!" He snarled and groaned into his claws as he flopped backwards onto his bed. His hands shot up."Fuck it: I made a Pact with Bee-Lzebub to save my own fucking hide!"

"...And that is..?" What? She might be more knowledgeable than Blitzø in some areas about Hell's inner workings – which, honestly, didn't say a lot – but she was still in her twenties. And mandatory training was so fucking boring.

"..She owns me, now." Naruto growled. "Smug fuckin– Bitch said she'd 'let' us keep seeing each other."

"Is it a bad thing to be owned?" Loona asked with a frown. That's essentially what Blitzø was to her, her owner, even if he never treated her as such.

"It's not fuckin smiled upon in Gluttony."

"So, do you think less of me then?"

"What? No, would you fucking listen to me?!" Naruto sat up and grabbed his phone. He bared his teeth before he took another breath and let his hackles fall. "Loona, you got adopted, which yeah, sure, maybe it could be viewed as ownership if you squint, but you were legally taken in as a member of a family. Trust me, it's a legal family, not an ownership. I've looked into it. As a father, I'm telling you, that is a fucking beautiful thing. As a runaway who didn't even try to age out or get adopted, I'm telling you to fucking cherish that."

Loona scowled at him. What the fuck did he know? Blitzø was so fucking obnoxious! Always...caring and shit...Okay, maybe he had a point. Maybe.

"So, how's that any fucking different?"

"Because I'm NOT a member of Queen Bee-lzebub's House, let alone her 'family'." He growled. He flicked at his collarbone and a golden seal appeared there. "I am now an enlisted soldier in Bee-Lzebub's Demonic Horde. Shit, if even that, I'm one of her fucking drones! And according to her, my stupid ass got the Pact with emphasis on 'fucking'."

"What the fuck does th–?" Oh. Oh, Loona understood now. She felt her own lips curl back as she bared her teeth and her tail lashed. "No, c'mon, that's horseshit!"

"Thank fuck you get it, this is what I've been trying to expl–!"

"If I haven't gotten there yet, why the fuck does she think she can?!"

AN: ...Wow, you go Loona. Be honest with your feelings.

Yay, a nice return to semi-aligned canon! No long divergences here...no, sir-ee.

...I wonder how Mamon's gonna handle his end of things?