SECRET OBLIVIATOR FILES REVEALED!

By Ryan Earl Porter, Daily Prophet

The staff of the Daily Prophet were shocked when Hestia Jones, professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts and Auror in abeyance, came to our offices recently with several boxes of classified documents from the Obliviation Subdepartment of the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophe. These documents contained evidence of crimes up to and including treason, murder, rape, kidnapping, obstruction of justice, conspiracy to commit the aforementioned crimes, and tax fraud. They have been confirmed to be accurate by a variety of sources, both inside and outside the Ministry of Magic. They are being published verbatim in a separate edition of the Prophet.

Minister Fudge has been using the Obliviators as his personal brute squad – with the unofficial name the Heliopath Squad (and, no, Lovegood, that does not mean he is baking goblins into bloody pies) – wiping memories of not only his misdeeds, but the misdeeds of many of his associates. Foremost among those associates is Lucius Malfoy, the accused and acquitted Death Eater, who has utilized the Obliviators on no less than 171 different occasions to cover up multiple counts of rape, murder, bank robbery, arson, and double parking. A list of all individuals implicated in this brazen assault on our very autonomy can be found on page 5.

In the one of the most audacious uses of the Heliopaths, Malfoy launched an attack on the estate of Muggle billionaire Aurelius Ravenna in order to take his son from him, then erased all evidence of the boy's existence from the minds of the Ravenna parents. The child of Aurelius Ravenna was then raised as Malfoy's own. Apparently, Malfoy's belief in blood supremacy just doesn't apply when it comes to taking children for himself.

Obliviators have routinely covered up attacks on Muggles which are much larger than hitherto known, both in wartime and peacetime. Some have theorized that many of the Muggleborns in Britain were actually the result of couplings – both forced and unforced – by mages who had the Obliviators subsequently remove the memory of such. These so-called Muggleborns would therefore be half-bloods. It should be noted that not all Muggleborns actually fall in this list, but it does explain why our country is blessed – or cursed depending on your point of view – with an unusually large number of Muggleborns.

The Ministry has targeted the reporters of the Daily Prophet itself for Obliviation, brazenly and regularly removing memories of stories unfavorable to the Ministry, including a foul attack on the Russian ambassador's wife, turning away djinn refugees and sending them back to be exploited by the Saudi ministry, and the substandard prawns at Fudge's last fundraiser. (Though in the latter case, according to the records, we should probably be grateful for not remembering their horrid taste and St. Mungo's cured everyone affected by their listeria.) Edmund Itor, the editor of the Daily Prophet, has been Obliviated on no less than 46 occasions. His predecessor (and father) Exford Dwayne Itor was more zealous in pursuing stories and was Obliviated on 150 occasions, possibly contributing to his early onset dementia.

According to studies ran on the Muggle population, Obliviation frequently causes dementia in people genetically prone to it and less frequently but still often in people who are not. It also increases the risk of dementia in subsequent generations. The Obliviators concluded that 11% of the cases of dementia in the Muggles of Great Britain can be conclusively linked to Obliviations and an additional 23% are suspected to be indirectly or directly caused by them. Repeated Obliviations can increase the chances in dementia in a Muggle by between 40-60 percent depending on the strength of the Obliviation.

There are repeated cases of Obliviators abusing Muggles financially, emotionally, physically, and sometimes even sexually, to the point where it has become routine. No social stratum is safe from the Obliviators' excesses. Muggles from all walks of life have become their victims, from the most wretched of the homeless to members of the House of Commons (the Muggle Wizengamot) and even members of the prime minister's cabinet. Use of any kind of Obliviation of the latter, even conforming to proper standards and practices, is illegal under the terms of the 1909 Treaty of Sussex, which formally delineated the relationship between the Muggle and magical governments of Britain.

If you have more information on the crimes of the Obliviators, we encourage you to contact the Daily Prophet. If you find this situation as intolerable as we, you are encouraged to reach out to your representatives on the Wizengamot and make your opinions known.

OUR THOUGHTS ON THE OBLIVIATION SCANDAL

By the staff of the Daily Prophet editorial board

We cannot tolerate this. We cannot let corruption and treachery run rampant, not just through our society, but the Muggle society too. Muggles are simple creatures with the inferior minds of children. Just as it is our society's duty to protect children from predators, so must we do so with the Muggles. They know not how lucky they are to have benevolent shepherds such as we. But how benevolent can we call ourselves when we have inadvertently allowed wolves in sheep's clothing into the farm that is our shared planet?! The people of this nation must stand against the corruption, tyranny, indolence, and lack of fashion sense of the Ministry of Magic. We must rise against the darkness that threatens to strangle us as Jack the Ripper strangled innocent Muggles.

The Daily Prophet therefore makes the following demands:

The immediate resignation of Minister Cornelius Oswald Fudge and his Senior Undersecretary Dolores Jane Umbridge New elections to be held as soon as possible Arrests made of all of the Obliviators involved in these dastardly plots (which pretty much means all of them) For you to donate to our ongoing fundraiser and make it possible for reporters to have access to more resources (and fancier cars)

You, the average citizen, can make all this possible! Use your voice! Make your presence known at the Ministry of Magic! Rise up in protest! Donate as many galleons as you can spare to your favorite (and only) local newspaper! Only you can save this country from a horrible fate and allow us to get our staff bumped up to premium frequent flier plans!

Seriously, we need lots of cash as quickly as possible.

Questions are presently being raised regarding whether or not this horrific abuse of power means the Statute of Secrecy is simply not worth the effort to be preserved. The Editorial Board is extremely divided on this matter and is not able to at the present time come to an agreement about which side we take. One side feels now that we understand the consequences of Obliviation, it would be immoral to continue to subject Muggles to it and there is simply no other moral option. The other side feels that the risk of potential extinction should our magic be revealed to the world supersedes any other moral considerations regarding the efforts we take to prevent this horrid outcome. We therefore leave you with two essays on this matter, one written by Lily Potter before her death and never before published and the other written this morning by our chief editor.

THE STATUTE OF SECRECY MUST DIE AND YOU ARE ALL HORRIBLE PEOPLE FOR EVER BELIEVING OTHERWISE

By Lily Potter (written December 21, 2012, published posthumously)

For the sake of a thought experience, let me flip everything you thought you knew on its head. Imagine you're out on the town, enjoying the day with your family at Diagon Alley. Or just by yourself or maybe with friends or on a date or something. I don't know. Whatever is most comfortable for you for the sake of this thought experiment. The point is, you're minding your own business, going about your life, when you make a wrong turn and suddenly you find yourself in the Muggle world.

And you can't believe what you're seeing! All sorts of things you thought were myths turned out to be real! Motorized horseless carriages which go at speeds much faster than a horse! (Well, not in London, but still.) Devices even smaller than your hand which can connect you immediately to someone anywhere on the planet! Pretzel sticks! (Oh, wow, I'm hungry now. No, focus, Lily, this is going to be the masterpiece which will make people understand.) It's wonderous! Amazing! Like nothing you've ever seen before!

And then, out of nowhere, you're ambushed by a police officer who shines a light in your face from a neuralizer, a scientific device constructed to erase memories, and takes all this away from you. (This is, it really has to be said, just a thought experiment. Neuralizers are not real, the product of Muggle fiction. Please do not confuse this with reality.) The world changed for you and then that change is gone.

It isn't fair, it isn't just, and it isn't right. Someone belonging to a society you didn't even know about reached into your head, the most sacred space you have available to you, and violated you. If you think that's unfair, if you think something should be done, then consider this is exactly what we're doing to the Muggles. How can we consider ourselves good people when in order for our society to even function, we're harming innocents on a regular basis?

Muggle society has reached the point in its technological process where the destruction of the Statute is now an inevitability. You cannot stop it. Surveillance cameras line every street in London. Muggles now continuously carry devices which can take photographs in an instant and then transmit it for most of the entire world to see just as quickly. The only thing we can do – if we're lucky and quick about it – is decide how the Statute falls. Will the Statute fall on our terms? Will it fall at something as benign as the Quidditch World Cup being breached by Muggles and broadcasted for the world to see? Or will it fall because of a mass attack on Muggles, one they will blame us for?

If we collapse the Statute now, come out on our own terms, we can avoid the senseless destruction a less favorable collapse would undoubtedly cause. I'm not going to lie to you, it's not going to be perfect. There will be carnage. It is an inevitability. Muggles are not kind to those who are different. We will be blamed for the crimes we committed and for many other crimes and even acts of God we did not. Some may fall to Muggle mobs or attacks by Muggle governments. I can't promise peace. I can, however, promise war if we don't try – and it is a war we will lose if only by sheer force of numbers.

But if we do try, we can succeed in minimizing the damage. We can show the world the great things we can bring them. Cures to diseases, magical means of reversing the horrific effects of climate change, and, of course, Chocolate Frogs. With careful use of public relations efforts, we should be able to convince the Muggles we're just like them, only imbued with extra powers by Almighty God Upon High. I know it's a scary idea. But just think of what we, as a species, can accomplish with the amalgamation of magic and Muggle science. We won't have to be separate anymore. We won't have to hide anymore. We'll be able to walk in all four corners of the earth without anymore fear. Aren't you tired of being afraid of being discovered? I know I am.

The separation does both our worlds harm, even if only one of them knows it. Muggles instinctively understand they're missing something. They've been denied magic. It's cruel! They attempt to fill the world with fundamentalism and hatred and war and slaughter and grunge music. Even those who are allowed by law to be clued into the secret suffer for it. My sister Petunia was not imbued with magic and she's allowed her resentment to make her miserable, making her pretend she hates what she's longed for. Think how much easier it would be for people like her, people allowed to only see one world through a window, if we all existed in a single, solitary world.

Change is scary, but I'm a Gryffindor, through and through. I'm not about to let fear define me.

Are you?

THE STATUTE OF SECRECY IS A NECESSARY EVIL

By Edmund Itor, editor-in-chief of the Daily Prophet

I'm not going to stand here before you and make the claim anything the Obliviators have done extrajudicially is moral, just, or should be tolerated. But the key word in that sentence is extrajudicially. The crimes and abuses of power which are hopefully rightfully horrifying the nation are just that: crimes. Nations throughout the world enforce the Statute without the same horrific perversions the Obliviators of Britain have indulged in and they do so because we all know there is no other choice. We may not like it. We do not have to like it, and indeed, perhaps liking it has dragged us down this far. But we must do it nonetheless.

It is not immoral to shield the Muggles from things they cannot understand because doing so saves lives. Muggles kill their own indiscriminately, even down to the attempted destruction of a given class of people. It happens so frequently, they have a word for such things: genocide. It happens over and over again for reasons that seem ridiculously petty to us. They slaughter people en masse because of what people believe, because of lines drawn on a map, because of who they love. Is it really so ridiculous to think they would do so because we have magic and they don't?

You may not believe what I am saying. You even may believe I am a pureblood supremacist, someone trying to spread myths and propaganda. Well, pick up Muggle history textbooks. Read about Rwanda, the Khmer Rouge, the Holocaust. Muggles hand misery onto Muggles and they will do the same to us. Back in the days Muggle commoners still widely believed in magic, they launched attacks on suspected magic users in fits of supreme paranoia. Though they never were recorded to catch any actual mages, they burned, hanged, and decapitated Muggles in cases of mistaken identity. I assure you, with the technology Muggles now possess they will not make mistakes this time around.

The Obliviators must be purged with lance and fire of all the wickedness that has infected it, but then it must be reformed into a more conventional and monitored agency, with appropriate checks and balances so they can continue to do their extremely necessary job. Obliviating Muggles so crimes can be committed is not necessary. Obliviating me was certainly not necessary – as well as blatantly illegal. I don't like the idea of us having to wipe Muggles' minds of magic, but it has to be done. The alternative is simply too horrific for us to contemplate.

Maybe Lily Potter will be right in the end. Maybe the Statute's fall is inevitable. But we must delay it as long as possible. Mrs. Potter was wrong about one thing: the Muggles will never accept us. The very teachings of their religion makes it clear magic cannot be tolerated. They are commanded to, and I quote, suffer not a witch to live. Do not think they will turn away from their sacred instructions. Do not think you will be safe even if you are a Muggleborn. Your parents may accept you – they are surrounded by people who will not. The collapse of the Statute will not just affect mages. Innocent Muggles will also be killed en masse for involvement, real or imagined, with our society.

I wish there was another way. Perhaps one day there will be. Perhaps one day Muggle society will devolve to the point where we could rule them openly without risking a devastating war. Perhaps one day Muggle society will evolve to the point where they are enlightened enough to show ourselves. Or perhaps one day our magic or their science will reach a point where we could simply flee to another planet and separate ourselves for good. But those days are not today and they will likely not happen in our lifetime. Let's stick with what we have now instead of imagining a future that will likely never come.

Let us also not forget we are not the only inhabitants of the magical world. We do not have the right to expose nations which are members by treaty of the International Confederation of Wizards. The fae, the vampires, the inhabitants of the REALMS FROM BEYOND THE SHADOWS, and so many others will not react well to such a thing. And there are creatures out there which do not need to worry about humanity – humanity needs to worry about them. In a time of chaos, who knows what dark and monstrous things will climb out of the primordial muck?!

Hey, Harry, it's your cousin Dudley. I'm sending this letter to you through Hermione's parents. Found their address online. I don't know if you're ever gonna read this letter. You're probably going to burn it. But it's my only chance to say what I want to say.

I got to tell you some of this when you showed up at Smeltings, but I didn't get to say all of it. I'm really sorry, Harry. I shouldn't have done all those things to you. But more than that, I should have loved you like the family you are. We're cousins, bound in blood. I was all you had. We should have been brothers. We should have been there for each other. But I was stupid and I let my fists do the talking. I let mum and dad control me. You never did. You never fell for their crap and you never let them grind you down. You're awesome that way. I'm not.

After mum and dad were sent to jail, I had to live with Aunt Marge and she is the worst. I mean, you know that already, obviously, but she blamed me for what happened to them and I, well, I ended up getting a taste of my own medicine and then some. I won't tell you the details – I'll be damned if you feel sorry for me; I still have some pride left – but I ended up in hospital and Aunt Marge ended up in jail. After that, I was put in a foster home. It's not so bad. They treated me better than we treated you, even if I probably deserved the same.

Without mum and dad pouring lies in my ears all the time, things were harder for me, but better. If I wanted something, I had to earn it, not have it handed to me. And you know what? There's something more satisfying about that. I got a therapist. I didn't tell her about the magic, obviously, but I did tell her about how we treated you and how bad I felt. She told me a lot of things. She said that what I did was wrong, but it wasn't all my fault either. I don't know about that. I could have done more. Been friends with you in secret, like. But I wanna fix the bad things I did to you anyway.

I don't know what I can do, but I guess helping you get Mark off your back was a start. Sorry to hear about Aunt Lily being a bitch. I guess we should have seen it coming, though. Mum's a bitch too – runs in the family, don't it? But, Harry, you're not a bad person. Crazy, yeah, but not bad. You're bloody brave. I know why you were put in Slytherin and it's definitely the best fit for you, but I think you'd have done nicely in Gryffindor as well. I sure as hell ain't no Gryffindor. I don't know what house I'd be in. I'm not loyal or smart or brave. Maybe Slytherin, I guess, cause I'm kind of cunning at times, but nothing on you.

Mark's really not as bad as you think he is, though. I'm not going to defend what he did. He crossed huge lines. But there's more going on than you know. You see, Mark had a brother. I don't know what his name was. I don't think Mark knows either. But Mark's brother was taken away by the wizards a few years before Mark was born. Ever since then, his dad's been trying to find him. When Mark saw your blog, he thought he'd have a chance to find his brother, reunite the family, make everything right again.

And now they've found Mark's brother. Guess who he is! Draco Sodding Malfoy. Yeah, that's right. The kid who won't stop talking about how awesome he is because he's pureblood. Turns out he's a bloody Muggleborn. How's about that for irony? I've attached a letter Mark asked me to ask you to give to Draco. I wouldn't blame you if you tell Mark to jump off a cliff, and you sure don't owe Draco anything, but keep in mind, Mr. Ravenna lost his son for over a decade. It'll really hurt them all if they can't reunite. I know, I don't have a right to talk about hurting people, but I think you should be better than me. God knows that's not a high bar.

I hope one day you'll give me another chance. I'd like to meet and tell you all this stuff in person. But I won't think any less of you if you tell me to go to hell. I deserve it. But my therapist says mum and dad hate us both. I don't want them to win, do you?

Dear Draco,

You don't know me, but I'm Count Aurelius Ravenna, the chairman of the Z social media network, the car company Vukobratović, and the space exploration corporation Stellar Potentialities and Cosmic Experiences. And I'm your father.

I've been informed you have learned of your parentage, which will make things considerably easier. Your adoptive father kidnapped you from your mother's arms and erased our memories of the event. Unfortunately for him, they neglected to erase security footage of the incursion, as well as the associated records pertaining to your birth (birth certificate, hospital records, etc.). Really, it was an extraordinarily clumsy job and I attribute their clumsiness to being in a hurry after their intensive fight with my security forces.

Since then, I've stopped at nothing to find you and to destroy the wretched society which facilitated such crimes. I have since learned your kidnappers acted off the books, which means my vengeance is now limited to the actual perpetrators and those who most enabled them. I am the richest Muggle in the world. I do not know how that compares to the fortune of mages, but I cannot imagine I am anything close to a pauper compared to them. I will do whatever it takes to make sure this does not happen again to more unfortunate families.

There is a place for you in my family. I do not know if your adoptive mother was involved in the kidnapping – she was not present at the incursion and accounts of whether or not she was involved in such activities in general are inconclusive – but if she was not, arrangements could be made for Narcissa to continue to be a part of your life. I want you to return to my side, Draco, to be my son, my heir, the continuation of all that I am. Man is not immortal, but his vision sometimes is and I want to teach you my vision so it can become yours.

I am sorry to have to inform you that your mother passed four years after you were taken. She was in a car accident – not one of my cars, of course – and, I am sorry to say, it was the result of her driving drunk. Please do not think badly of her for this. Your absence was a crushing blow to her and not all are strong of will as I. Additionally, in the interim, I created another child by the name of Mark.

I ask you to please meet with me over the summer. I have made reservations – which cost me a considerable amount of money – at the Waterside Inn at the village of Bray on July 1 at 1300 hours. Do not be fooled by its simple name; this is one of the most expensive restaurants in the United Kingdom and has enjoyed a three star Michelin status continuously since 1985. I will pay for our meal. You may bring a friend if you so choose. Mark is bringing his "definitely not my boyfriend, dad" Dudley.

I look forward to meeting you and making up for lost time. With you by my side, we're going to change the world.

Cordially,

Count Aurelius Ravenna

UMBRIDGE RESIGNS AFTER BIZARRE SPEECH

By Ryan Earl Porter, Daily Prophet

It has now been several weeks since the shocking revelations of the Obliviation scandal were revealed in these very pages and numerous consequences, both official and unofficial have occurred. Multitudes of Obliviators have been arrested, fired, or placed on leave pending an investigation. The department is essentially now a skeleton crew and the Auror department is pulling double duty until new employees can be found. But none of these consequences are quite as consequential, if you would, as the events today surroundings Senior Undersecretary Umbridge.

In her first public interview since the scandal broke, conducted with the Winsome Wireless Network, Umbridge descended in what appeared to be insanity, ranting and raving about an international conspiracy to demean the character of Minister Fudge. Further targets of her ire included an international cabal of Zoroastrians, Muggleborns, dark creatures, readers of fanfiction who are apparently a bunch of "losers with nothing better to do with their time," the "diseased pests known as Muggles," fire hydrants, and the Swedes. Umbridge proceeded to outline a plethora of conspiracy theories, both preexisting and constructed on the spot. When she started talking about how Muggleborns were eating cats and dogs, the network ended her interview and subsequently released an official statement saying she was in need of mental health. We cannot imagine any platform not doing the same.

In a video posted to Magebook, Umbridge vowed to fight on and never surrender against the "evil Muggleborn menace," but her vow only lasted for another four hours, when she abruptly resigned. Before leaving the Ministry, she warned that her enemies – which had grown to include cacti, butter knives, and the Slovenes – had better watch out, because she had made an alliance with the Muggle government and they were about to launch cleansing fire down upon Azkaban.

We at the Daily Prophet can only say that we truly dodged a Killing Curse by having Umbridge's insanity make itself clearly known, but, really, it probably would have turned out fine. What sort of depraved society would elect someone so bonkers anyway?

Dear Harry,

It's Draco writing. I couldn't bear to tell you this in person so I'm writing this in a letter. Look, I know we're not friends. But I don't think we're enemies either, not anymore. And I need your help. Hermione's too if she wants to give it. I got put in the hospital for months because I was dumb enough to listen to you when you asked me to stand against the Dark Lord, so I think you owe me enough to at least hear me out.

You've probably read in the papers I'm not really a Malfoy at all. Truth be told, with my mother's divorce imminent, I wouldn't have been one for much longer anyway, so it's not as much of a blow as I thought it would be. My father's always been an arsehole, even if he did love me, so I'm not shedding tears about not having him in my life either. He hasn't been arrested, but word has it, it'll only be a matter of time. There probably isn't a bribe big enough to get him out of prison, though there probably is one for him to be there for just a few years. But I don't want to talk about any feelings that I might be feeling right now. We're not close enough for that and I have no interest in becoming so.

My biological father, Aurelius Ravenna, wants to meet me. He's a Muggle and I don't want to embarrass myself, so I want your help learning how to fit in or at least know enough to not make a fool of myself. I'd also like you to attend the meeting to help me in person. I'm so desperate you could even bring Weasley if you want (though you'll probably have to run it by Ravenna first).

You might be asking yourself what's in it for you. Well, simply put, Ravenna is obscenely rich and he's asked me to meet at one of the fanciest restaurants in all of Muggle Britain on July 1. You'll probably never have a better meal in your life and he's promised to pay for everything. I think that's worth enduring my company for one day, don't you?

Draco,

I agree to your proposal. But you have to attend all the remaining meetings of the Muggleborn-Pureblood Alliance for the year. Those are my terms. Take them or leave them.

Harry

Agreed. I suppose I'll have to learn the ways of my brethren, will I not? Ugh, this is so embarrassing. Not that I think Muggleborns are inferior anymore – how can they be when I am one of them, after all – but it'll be humiliating facing everyone's taunting now that they know I was so thoroughly wrong. Well, as the Muggles say, you pay your money and you take your chances.

MINISTER FUDGE REMOVED FROM OFFICE

By Ryan Earl Porter, Daily Prophet

Cornelius Oswald Fudge, Minister for Magic, was removed from office by a nearly unanimous vote of the Wizengamot, the only person voting against being himself, following his impeachment and subsequent trial last week. According to the Constitution of Magical Britain, in the absence of a Senior Undersecretary, the Chief Warlock will become interim minister pending an election to be held in no fewer than 60 days, in which he may not stand as a candidate.

Fudge's fall from grace is the most dramatic fall a minister has had since Quiz Ling was discovered to be working for Grindelwald in 1980. Even Ling was not impeached by such a large portion of the Wizengamot and has done philanthropic work since she went into exile in China. We suspect Fudge will not evade the outside of a prison cell and our sources inform us the Department of Magical Law Enforcement will soon be completing an investigation of Fudge's many misdeeds.

As he was being thrown out of the courtroom, Fudge intimated he still had the support and endorsement of Harry Potter, who he pledged fealty to at a meeting last summer. We sent a reporter to speak with Mr. Potter regarding this matter and after winning the right to ask the question after a grueling game of Connect Four, Mr. Potter denied any recollection of the meeting, saying, "For Cornelius Fudge, the day Harry Potter graced his office was the most important day of his life. But for me…it was Tuesday."