Boglins, Ouija Boards and Pet Monsters, Oh My!
"How are you not dead yet?"
"Good morning to you too, Hermione. Yes, I slept very well thank you – surprisingly enough. Oh yes, it is my birthday, I am so glad you remembered," was Harry's snarky answer to Hermione's abject shock.
Harry had experienced rude wake up calls many times in the Dursley household, mainly because it was his job to cook the breakfast for the entire family but on this particular occasion of his sixteenth birthday, he had been woken up by the phone and Dudley.
Dudley had picked up the phone, Harry had heard, said something incoherent and then shouted, "COUSIN, PHONE! IT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND!"
"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Harry had shouted back, jumping off his bed and shooting down the stairs to see what Hermione would have to say.
Well, it was safe to say that the Muggleborn witch was extremely surprised to hear that there were still no dead bodies at Number Four Privet Drive. It was a very good thing that Vernon and Petunia were out at yet another garden party because they would not have been best pleased at the fact one of Harry's friends would have reminded them of their nephew's existence.
"But how?! You have sent them Muggle food twice and sent Muggles onto their turf twice! Surely by now Narcissa Malfoy must have around twenty Hit Wizards after you," Hermione still could not believe her ears. "Anyway, I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky you're not dead yet. Happy birthday, Harry! Has my card and present arrived yet?"
"No, not yet," Harry answered with a smile. "But neither has Ron's or anyone else's, before you start casting Tracking Charms on the owl or something."
"I just want to make sure the gift gets there on time," Hermione huffed. "Besides, have you heard that Fred and George's joke shop business is booming?"
"Yeah. Doesn't surprise me to be honest. They certainly made quite the exit last year!" Harry laughed.
Seeing Fred and George cause Umbridge that much misery and giving her biggest middle finger one could get – from portable swamps to dinosaur-dragon fireworks – it was bloody brilliant. How could the Wizarding World not have known about what they had done? It was just the biggest publicity stunt anyone could have done!
"Yes they did," Hermione was forced to admit. "Do you know if the pizzas were eaten or destroyed?"
"To be honest, I have my money on 'given to the house elves as scraps'," Harry replied, looking and sounding very sulky.
Hermione seemed to be praying to whatever deity would listen for a good few seconds because she didn't say anything for a bit. "So, I hate to ask but do you have any plans for your birthday? Ones that actually mean you will be occupied and not bored?" she eventually asked.
Harry snorted at this. "Probably will just take a walk or something. Haven't done that in a while. Oooo I could go bird watching! I heard that there is a family of hawks-"
"Oh no, you're still bored," his sister-in-all-but-name groaned.
"Yes, very," the Boy-Who-Was-Perhaps-Slightly-Mental responded easily.
"I can always teach him some basic mechanical stuff and woodwork," Dudley had been spying via the kitchen landline again. "Might help."
"Would you?" Hermione had lit up in an instant.
"Yeah. I am taking a Construction course at school coming year. I could use an extra pair of hands with preparing for it," Dudley answered.
"Wow! You've learned to prepare for school," Harry gasped. "Oh no, you actually want to do school work. We need to alert the BBC immediately! Dudley Dursley has been hijacked by fairies!"
"Fairies?" Dudley spluttered.
"Fine, aliens then," Harry rolled his eyes.
"Better," his cousin sighed.
"Oh dear," was all Hermione had the energy to comment.
"How long do these fits of boredom last at your school?" Dudley dared to ask.
"Honestly, they are so up and down that at any given moment you could be faced with a Harry who will put something into your cake to turn your hair an ugly shade of pink," Hermione informed. "We all have to keep an eye on him in intervals to make sure we catch him before he manages to execute his plans."
"Yes, and it is as annoying as-"
"Harry, don't you dare swear!" Hermione scolded.
"-poo sticks," Harry finished meekly.
"Ron really is a bad influence on you," she tutted.
"Really?" Harry pretended to gasp. "Has Ron been plotting to replace Snape's shampoo with L'Oreal Kids Shampoo and to replace one of his potions with Teen Spirit deodorant as well? Why is he stealing my ideas?"
"You have been plotting to do WHAT?!"
Both Harry and Dudley had to hold the phone at arm's length to save their eardrums.
"Harry James Potter, don't you dare – and I mean don't you dare – replace Professor Snape's toiletries, unless you want to die a slow and painful death-"
"I am going to die anyway," Harry commented dryly.
"-and I can guarantee You-Know-Who will make it quick in easy in comparison-"
"Cousin, is she like this a lot?" Dudley asked, sounding dumbfounded.
Harry grinned. "Absolutely." He put his ear back to the phone. "Have a good day, Hermione! I will call you back soon."
"HARRY POTTER-"
Harry put the horn down very quickly. "So, you want to teach me some woodwork and 'mechanical stuff'," he stated, shuffling his feet a bit.
"Yeah, might distract you from being suicidal for a bit," Dudley grinned. "Though I do have to agree with her that it is a bloody miracle that you're not dead yet if you keep pulling stuff like this."
The Boy-Who-Got-Bored-Too-Easily shrugged. "I find it entertaining. I don't do it enough; Fred and George's pranks, most of them anyway, were really funny but I never felt like I could express that because Hermione – well, she can be overbearing."
"You don't say," Dudley scoffed.
So, once more Harry's life took him by surprise: he was spending time with Dudley – willingly – on his birthday, and he was not getting beaten up by his cousin. At all. In fact, working with wood, electronics and a small engine that Dudley had managed to get his hands on to study had actually been fun.
It was weird! Almost too weird. Weirder than Dumbledore dressing normally kind of weird, although Harry would likely book the Headmaster into St. Mungo's if he ever caught the nutty wizard dress in a suit.
Harry was busy trying to carve a dog out of wood when Dudley decided to ask some questions. "So … what are your friends like?"
Harry almost sliced into his finger he was that surprised. "Erm … Ron's fun, can be hot headed, has appalling table manners and is one of the most loyal people I know. He comes from a big family, as you know. They didn't have much growing up but their house is bloody brilliant! There is a roof over their head, food on the table and they're happy."
Dudley nodded. "And your girlfriend-who-isn't-a-girlfriend?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Hermione is, as you have heard, bossy, opinionated, can be very overbearing, but she has her heart in the right place. Maybe puts too much stock in books now and again; a walking library through and through. It's amazing how much she can fit into her head! She's from a normal family, as you'd say. Her parents are dentists."
"Cool," Dudley commented with a nod. "Bet that weirds the … your lot out."
"I have no idea what they'd say about it. Hermione has never brought it up unless she trusts the people she's talking to," Harry answered. "I don't think wizards know what a dentist is, which is why Ron's dad, who is fascinated by normal stuff, couldn't wait to meet them couple years ago."
"Weird," Dudley shook his head. "How do they deal with teeth problems then? Magic?"
"I guess," Harry replied, stumped that he actually had never thought about it all too much until now.
"Not everything can be solved with magic," Dudley stated and then grinned, "they'd have found you by now if they used some of our more normal stuff!"
Harry barked a laugh. The idea of Voldemort and his Death Munchers using Muggle tracking methods was just a joke in and off itself! "You can say that again! Good thing the people who'd use it to kill me hate normal stuff."
"So, what are you going to send your little friend next?" Dudley wanted to know. "Or are you done toying around with them?"
It was in that moment the birds in the garden stopped chirping.
Oh no. The moment that the word 'toying' left Dudley's mouth, the boy watched as the calm, content expression on his cousin's face change instantly into one of pure evil. It was like watching a damn Disney villain in action.
Toying – toys! Brilliant! But Harry knew he couldn't send just any old toy to Draco Malfoy – no, no, no, no. They had to make his mother either scream at the sight of them, or ground Draco for the rest of his mortal life.
"You have another idea," Dudley sighed.
"Oh yes, I do," Harry confirmed happily, a gleeful look dancing in his eyes. "Dud, do you by any chance still have a few old toy catalogues left?"
Dudley's eyes widened. "Erm, I guess, I haven't really checked. I mean, I haven't really been interested in toys for years – oh no." It was in this moment Dudley realised the full extent of the demonic energy Piers Polkiss had released not too long ago. "You want to send this guy toys?!"
"Not just any old toy," Harry smirked. "The most horrifying, the most embarrassing and the most nightmare-inducing shit I can find! Consider this my birthday gift to myself."
Dudley blinked at his cousin, shaking his head subconsciously. "Are you sure you aren't one of those Dark Lords in the making because you don't sound like yourself."
"Ah, Big D, that's where you are mistaken. I am sounding more like me than I have in years!" Harry answered jovially. "And all it took for me to be me is a bunch of maniacs taking my godfather from me. The least I can do is make one of those stains on society pay for it in the most benign way I can."
Dudley frowned. "What's 'benign'?"
Harry pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh boy. Dud, stick to woodwork."
Dudley flushed a little but composed himself quickly. "Come on, cousin. Let's see if we can find a toy catalogue that has something you think is appropriate. Then we'll get Piers to see if his uncle can help again."
"Oh I do hope so!" Harry was literally bouncing by this point. "Remind me to buy both Piers and his uncle a cake for this."
Dudley snorted, shaking his head.
Fortunately, it didn't take too long for the boys to find the toy catalogue stuffed under Dudley's bed. Unfortunately, the damn thing had too many good candidates to choose from, which made Harry light up quicker than a bonfire on Guy Fawkes Night.
"There are so many good ones! How am I going to be able to choose? Ooooo an Ouija board! That will scare them definitely." Harry's eyes were shining. "Ooooo this could work too; Boglins. Let's see just how much of a pansy he is – and these! My Pet Monster! Merlin, this thing is hideous."
Dudley put his face into his pillow. This was going to be a long day.
A very long day!
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There was once more a dark ominous cloud hanging above Malfoy Manor, but it was not there due to bad weather; indeed, it was there because of a certain questionably-faced Dark Lord and the fact that the semi-man in question was – believing it or not – in a bit of a mood. A big mood, actually – a big I-will-Crucio-anyone-who-sneezes-or-breathes-incorrectly kind of mood.
For three days – the Brat's birthday included – there had been nothing. Absolutely nothing. No unsightly Muggles in strange vehicles, no new food, Wormtail was behaving, his Death Eaters had managed to pull of successful raids, and the children were staying out of sight and out of mind. There was no reason to get angry! However, the Inner Circle seemed to have been bracing themselves for anything that could happen to the point where even the slightest noise that sounded like the bell outside on the gates made them jump.
Never mind Pavlov's dogs, this was a case of Pavlov's Death Eaters!
The lower ranked guards had the habit of, while patrolling the grounds and the corridors, to stop at the windows now again or poke their heads around the Malfoys' well-kept hedges to look at the front gate for anything that could be remotely described as a Muggle vehicle, on one hand curious at what could possibly happen next if there were any more lost Muggles turning up at the gates with mysterious packages that apparently 'Draco Malfoy' had been ordering.
The mystery that most of them wanted to answer was this: how was Potter pulling this off without alerting the Order of Flaming Chickens that was no doubt keeping an eagle-eye on all of the boy's movements? Were they helping him? Was this a new kind of warfare? How were they supposed to combat this? Or if they weren't the ones helping him, who in the name of Morgana's mud-stained boots was? And how did they know how to find Malfoy Manor?
In about nine hundred years, there had barely been any Muggles at the house, and now there had been around five or six in a space of a few weeks, maybe less!
Draco and his friends were also bracing themselves for the next ridiculous thing Potter decided to come up with. It had almost become a humiliating kind of past-time for them to sit in a circle and guess at what outlandish and horrendous thing Scarhead would do next. First it had been burgers and chips, then pizza!
"If Potter sends food again, I will find a way to write a complaint letter," Blaise had stated on the fourth day of them taking it in turns to keep an eye on the front gate of Malfoy Manor. The children had just come back from flying on the Quidditch pitch on Malfoy land and they were rather disappointed to hear from the lower rank guards that still nothing had arrived.
"Of course you would," Pansy rolled her eyes. "Only you would!"
"Not true. Walden Macnair has said he will do the same," Millicent corrected immediately from behind her latest edition of Witch Weekly.
"Macnair?!" Daphne spluttered. "Mr. Creepy with a Giant Axe?"
"That's the one," Millicent confirmed, still not looking up from the page on boots and shoes. "I heard him complain very loudly to Rowle, Dolohov and Rookwood yesterday that if Potter sends more food, he will find a way to send an owl to his house with a jinxed letter that will make him get boils in some very nasty places until the boy sends a more creative package."
"That's not a complaint letter," Vincent pointed out with a frown.
"It is when it is Walden Macnair," Pansy sighed. "I'm bored!"
"We just went flying," Gregory shook his head at her.
"Yes, and I spent most of my time dodging out of the way of your Bludgers," Pansy complained. "I want to do something fuuuuun!"
"No, you want to go shopping. That's the opposite of fun," Draco teased with a slight smirk.
"HEY!" Pansy, Millicent and Daphne chorused, looking extremely affronted.
"Who wants to play a round of chess then?" Theo asked, getting the board out already.
"Theo, mate, you trounce everyone without even looking. It gets boring after a while," Blaise responded, rolling his eyes, leaning against the window frame, his eyes still on the gate. "I mean, watching Draco cry after he loses is funny three times in a row but after the eighth time it loses its lustre-"
"I do not cry after I lose!" Draco snapped indignantly.
"Yes, you do," his friends stated in perfect unison in equally dry tones, causing the Malfoy heir to sit on his bed in a dramatic huff.
"How about some Exploding Snap then?" Theo suggested, getting the pack of cards from the game cupboard.
"Daphne and Pansy will only start complaining about the noise for their poor, sensitive, little ears," Blaise quipped.
"I hate you," Daphne stated.
"Oh come on, Daph! You were running scared because of the Weasley twins' fireworks last year," Blaise laughed. "Just admit that loud noises scare the crap out of you and be done with it!"
Daphne did the pureblood equivalent of sticking her tongue out; she raised an elegant eyebrow at Blaise and gave him a very stern, pointed look.
The Zabini Heir got the hint and turned back to the window. Just as he did, he saw something – it was a funny four-wheeled red with yellow vehicle with a crown on the side of it, Royal Mail printed under it. Not soon afterwards, a brown Muggle vehicle with gold on it and the letters UPS also stopped right outside the gates.
Blaise Zabini flipped his lid. He took out his wand, cast a Sonorous Charm and shouted: "THEY ARE BACK!"
BRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG!
The kids at this point had hollered out of Draco's rooms and down the corridor to the staircase. The adults, who had all gathered in the parlour for a cup of tea, had practically jumped out of their skin but were waiting with dread and curious anticipation for the Muggles to step out of their strange, giant vehicles.
"You as well?" they heard the red-shirt Muggle from the Royal Mail vehicle state in shock to the UPS Muggle.
"It seems so," the Muggle girl answered shaking her head. "This is honestly one of the weirdest deliveries I have ever had to do."
"Same," the Royal Mail Muggle grumbled. "You think they're home?"
"Yes, we are home," Narcissa stated, smirking with pleasure as the Muggles jumped out of their skins.
"Erm … ma'am. We seem to have both received orders to this address? For a 'Draco and Narcissa Malfoy'," the UPS girl checked her schedule, still looking utterly dumbfounded. "Is that correct?"
"Same situation here," the Royal Mail Muggle added.
"Is it food?" they heard a guy's voice pipe up.
"Walden, shush!" they heard the woman's voice snap.
"Erm, no, sir, it isn't food, we are not with food delivery services," the UPS Muggle was nonplussed by this point. "If you're expecting food, it isn't us – we have your Dark Side Order."
"Our what?!" Narcissa shrieked.
"Yeah, that is what your son apparently asked for it to be called," the Royal Mail Muggle added. "I got the same orders."
"I am going to enjoy hurting the boy," Bellatrix seethed from her armchair.
Narcissa, already seeing the glint in the ruby eyes of the Dark Lord, waved her hand, activating the magic on the gates. As the wrought iron creaked open, both Muggles got back into their cars and drove up the gravel to the mighty house before them. Everyone watched the Muggles park, get out, go to the back and start piling out cubed boxes made of cardboard that were all taped shut.
Whatever they were, it wasn't food.
"Merlin, what has the boy done now?!" Dolohov laughed as he watched around one hundred boxes being unloaded.
"I dread to think what is in there," Rowle shook his head.
"It's not food, so it's a step up," Macnair commented.
By the end, there were one hundred and twenty boxes. Both Muggles had looked at each other, shaken their heads despondently and had gotten the heck out of there as though they were trying to out-drive an angry dragon.
Voldemort turned to the guards on the door. "Fetch those boxes immediately!"
They didn't need to be told twice. Very soon, ten or twenty of the lower ranked guards were levitating these things inside and dumping a few of them in the entrance hall of Malfoy Manor. As soon as they did, things rattled inside of them. Those boxes were filled with something!
Around three of the boxes were carried into the parlour and before the Dark Lord and his Inner Circle. For a moment, no one dared to move. Everyone was incredibly apprehensive about what the Potter boy could possibly have concocted this time. Eventually it was Snape and Yaxley who stepped forward and used Cutting Charms on the tape and opened the boxes.
Snape peered in, blinked a total of fifteen times, before he reached inside, lifting out bubble wrap and then lifted out this mini cardboard wooden crate with an ugly shrivelled, bat-like creature inside of it, grinning at him manically. Horrified, Snape set to one side and stepped away from it as though it was riddled with disease.
"What in Merlin's name is that?!" Mulciber exclaimed, disgusted.
"It's fucking ugly that's what it is," Rodolphus commented.
And it wasn't alone. Snape and Yaxley started living small crate after small crate with these spherical, horrifyingly deformed creatures out from the cardboard boxes – there were perhaps ten or twenty of them in total already! A few of them even had crowns on their heads! It just seemed one endless stream of monstrosity after the other. Boglins, as it said on the front, apparently.
Unfortunately, both Snape and Yaxley discovered there was more.
At the exact same time, both the Death Eaters lifted out this wooden board with 'Yes', 'No', 'Hello', 'Goodbye', letters and numbers carved into it a pointer that had a hole cut into it. Snape wanted to start crying; he knew exactly what the thing was. An Ouija board; Lily had made him use one once as a fun Halloween game – it had been anything but fun!
"What is that?" Blaise couldn't help ask.
"Ouija board," Snape answered curtly. "A game where you supposedly contact the dead."
"Seriously?!" the children lit up in an instant.
"No, no, no, no, no! No Necromancy in the house!" Narcissa scolded.
Voldemort frowned. "Narcisssssssa, let the children have fun."
"Yes, my Lord," Lady Malfoy sunk lower into her seat.
Draco and the others were suddenly giddy with excitement at trying out the Oowahwah board. That excitement was only slightly dulled by the introduction of the third product inside those boxes. The third thing that Potter had been so gracious as to send over, was a fluffy, furry, multi-coloured ugly monster plushie with at least three different forms, one of which was wearing shackles and leering at the people that were looking at it.
"OK, I thought those spherical creatures were ugly, but this is just impressive," Rodolphus shook his head in disbelief.
"How many did the boy order?!" Narcissa then remembered that these were only three of the boxes.
"Erm … too many," Rabastan answered poking his head around the parlour door to look into the entrance hall.
"I hate this child already," Narcissa commented.
Then something else took the Death Eaters by surprise. Bellatrix was swooning at one of the multi-coloured creatures. "Morgana, you are soooo cuuuuute!" she gushed. "Don't listen to my mean old husband, he's a bit grumpy. Auntie Bella likes you – I will tell you stories about hunting the big, bad Muggles and you can help me plan some new methods of having fun with them. Would you like that? Hehehehehehehehehehe!"
"Right … OK. Azkaban really has done a number on her," Avery dared to speak up for the long time in a while.
"Auntie Bella, I don't think you're meant to like the monster," Draco added carefully.
"Oh, Draco, don't be jealous. Your Auntie Bella hasn't forgotten your Occlumency lessons, dear. But a girl does have her needs – like planning on how best to get rid of the filth! That is where Mr. Mupples comes in!"
"MR. MUPPLES?!" everyone – yes, Dark Lord included – exclaimed.
Bellatrix scowled at them, placed her hands over the ugly monster's ears and marched out of the door. "How dare you insult Mr. Mupples' feelings. The name suits him. I will be in my chambers planning if you need meeeeeee!"
Rabastan Lestrange, who had been desperately trying not to laugh, suddenly broke, unable to catch his breath. First it was a child's meal, then flat bread called pizza and now it was ugly toys that apparently only Bellatrix Lestrange could somehow love! It really was a shame the boy was on the Light side, because he could liven the Dark up a bit. As well as cause the necessary mayhem!
"Well," Voldemort spoke up in his silky tone. "Thissss hassss been very unexpected. Ssssseverusss, you don't happen to know how we can ssssend the boy a thank you note?"
"I'm afraid not, my Lord. I have been trying to find out, but alas, the old codger has been keeping the boy's location a closely guarded secret," the Potions Master answered sedately. "Frankly, it would be easier for him to visit Malfoy Manor than it is for us to go to him."
"How dissssappointing. Sssseverussss you will take one of thossse with you asssss punissshment," Voldemort pointed to the vast array of spherical monsters in the crates.
The double agent blinked. "M-my Lord?"
"Quickly, Sssseverusss, before I change my mind," the Dark Lord hissed.
The Potions Master gulped and picked up one of the least grotesque of the pile he could quickly find, not at all happy with having to be stuck with a Boglin buddy. He was not going to be the last to be stuck with one by the end of the evening.
Yaxley, Rowle, Wormtail, Dolohov and Avery ended up with one as well. All of them had to internally debate if receiving the Cruciatus Curse was not a more fitting, and tolerable, punishment instead of having to be stuck with these disgusting creatures.
"I owe you one hundred detentions, Potter," Snape snarled to himself. "Let's see you have a moment's free time this coming school year once I am through with you!"
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And this was the third delivery! To those of you who suggest lingerie, by the way – I am not ignoring your suggestion. I love it; it's just I wanted to get this idea out of the way before I completely forgot it. You have no idea how many hours I not only spent researching launch dates of these toys in the UK and Europe but also which bloody delivery companies were around in the UK during 1995. I EVEN TEXTED MY MOTHER TO MAKE SURE XDDDD
Have I gone mad yet? You decide. Wait I made Bellatrix call a My Pet Monster Mr. Mupples … never mind.
But yes, I am definitely going for the lingerie idea, and also the personalised knit wear idea another reviewer suggested. There was a sex toy idea too but I am going to admit to being just ever so slightly too prudish to consider that so early into this – lingerie I can stomach, but sex toys for now is a step too far.
I hope you guys have enjoyed this little moment of madness because I had some serious fun writing it! I think my flatmates are a little annoyed at the amount of times I just killed myself with laughter. Pathetic, I know.
Anyway, disclaimer: Harry Potter is not my work – Voldemort and his Death Eaters would have been bullied more mercilessly in the canon had it been mine! Hahahahaha.
See you guys next time!
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