Dudley Shows Harry The Weapon of Mayhem
Dudley had somehow managed to do the impossible and keep his cousin from plotting more pranks so soon after sending God-only-knows-how-many toys to wherever the poor sod who was going to receive them lived by taking Harry along with him and Piers to the cinema, the pool and a small music festival some of the other kids in the area were holding. So far, it seemed to be working. The evil glint in Harry's eyes had not returned yet, which meant that Dudley was actually keeping his slightly mental cousin entertained.
The issue was, while Harry was easy to deal with, Hermione Granger was not. It had come to the point where the moment the phone rang, Dudley and Harry actually played Rock-Paper-Scissors to see who would be the sucker to potentially lose their hearing for a minute or two as Hermione berated whoever it was at the other end of the line. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had been home for one whole and that whole day both Harry and Dudley prayed that the phone would not ring.
Well, it did once. But it wasn't Hermione.
Aunt Petunia had picked the phone up with a frown. She was not expecting a phone call. "Hello, Dursley residence? Petunia speaking."
"Erm … Hello, Mrs. Dursley. May we speak to Harry please?"
Petunia had paled to the colour of snow in five seconds flat. That voice belonged to one of the red headed freaks who had invaded her home a year ago! She pursed her lips. "One moment." She put the phone away from her ear. "HARRY, PHONE, NOW!"
"Coming, Aunt Petunia!" the boy had rocketed down the stairs in about five seconds flat, which was a record even for his doing.
"Who is it, petal?" Uncle Vernon had asked from the living room, not looking up from his newspaper.
"One of the boy's freaky friends," his wife had answered dismissively.
Dudley had sighed with relief when his father hadn't exploded in rage and simply grunted, not looking up from the sports section in the paper.
"Hello?" Harry had said tentatively into the phone.
"Hey, Harry!" he heard Ginny and Ron's voices chorus back. At least they were not shouting into the phone, like last time.
"Mate, are you still alive? Hermione has been ringing the phone for days, asking when we're coming to get ya because she's apparently worried you've ended up under a patio," Ron added quickly. "She said something about you pranking Malfoy – is it true?"
"Errrr yes? How else was I supposed to keep myself busy?" Harry replied as though it should have been the most obvious thing in the world.
"Oh, I don't know – read a book? We sent you some for your birthday as well as some of Fred and George's products because Hermione warned us you were in one of your moods," Ginny exploded. "Have you gone completely barking mad?! The Malfoys are going to make your life a living hell the moment they get their hands on you!"
"First of all, Gin, that ship has sailed concerning my sanity, and Draco enjoys pestering me on a daily basis at school anyway so not much will change there," Harry chuckled.
"By the way, Fred and George will likely want to have a word with you about not including them in your schemes, mate," Ron informed, clearly grinning on the other end of the line. "They're kind of put out you didn't write to them for ideas."
"Well, their ideas would be magical and I specifically want Muggle … I mean, normal shit to send to Draco and his mother. They have too much … stuff around them anyway," Harry was suddenly very careful about saying the M-word as he saw Aunt Petunia give him a cold, pointed look but she didn't scold him like she normally did.
"Hermione was right to be worried," Ginny sighed. "The darkness has been set free once more."
"Yeah well, the Death Munchers should be glad I don't know where they are or they'd be my next targets," Harry cackled.
"Oh boy," Ron sighed. "Yeah, you have a death wish. By the way, mate, Dad's project is keeping him a little more busy than he thought so we can only pick you up in two days or so. That's OK, right?"
"Yeah, no problem. I will find a way to … not die of boredom," Harry smirked.
"I swear, Harry, if you draw Malfoy's father as a Muggle clown or something and send it to Draco, I will book you into St. Mungo's," Ginny threatened.
The smirk only grew. "Actually, I had not though about doing that, but thanks for the suggestion, Gin!"
"THAT WAS NOT A SUGGESTION!"
"BOY!" Apparently Harry was taking too long for Vernon's liking.
"Oh, gotta go, guys! See you in two days!" Harry put the horn down before Ron or Ginny could say anything and then escaped back up to his room. As soon as he was back, Hedwig was giving him a you-are-still-bored-aren't-you-you-suicidal-idiot look. He smiled apologetically at his friend.
"Sorry about that Hedwig. I know you want to fly but it just isn't a good idea right now."
"Hoot," Hedwig sounded understanding but sad.
Harry distracted himself from his guilt by turning to his next scheme.
"I have sent food twice, toys – what next?" Harry paced his room. "What would Sirius do … what would my father have done?"
"Hoot!"
"Yeah, Hedwig, dead animals in shoes is funny but I am not an Animagus, I don't know to Apparate yet and frankly I don't think I would be any good at hunting," Harry laughed.
The owl thought for a moment before perking up again. "Hoot, hoot?"
"Hedwig, you would need to be able to convince at least thirty owls to do that at the exact same time! Plus, I really want them to suffer the humiliation that there are Muggles outside the gates that they probably want to kill but can't since curiosity kills the cat." Harry frowned and continued pacing.
Hedwig frowned too, as though pondering something. She then lit up. "Hoot! Hoot, hoot, hoot."
The Boy-Who-Could-Not-Stop-Being-Suicidal lit up as he listened to his owl. "Brilliant, Hedwig! I haven't sent anything specific to Narcissa yet. Ooooo maybe we can send a few further good additions as well … maybe we can steal a few fashion magazines from Aunt Petunia!"
The wizard and his familiar were soon laughing.
Unfortunately, the raucous could be heard from downstairs. "BOY! SHUT YOUR OWL UP!"
Fortunately, the rest of the evening was rather quiet, which gave Harry the opportunity to scheme and plot. To add further to his luck, the next day was Vernon and Petunia's 20th wedding anniversary and in preparation for it, Dudley had managed to convince them to get away for a few days alone to celebrate.
Naturally, the two had agreed whole-heartedly with their little ickle Diddikins and were gone before ten o'clock, leaving the house in custody of their son and their quietly-scheming-more-mayhem cousin.
As soon as Vernon and Petunia were gone, Harry escaped from his room and immediately began snooping around the house for anything that was remotely bright, pink, girly and looked like a fashion magazine, with Dudley playing some video game on his PlayStation, now and again frowning at why Harry was gathering women's magazines.
When Dudley found Harry going through the -magazines-that-must-be-thrown-out pile, he put his console down and frowned. "Cousin, what on Earth are you doing now?" he dared to ask.
"None of these magazines have what I am looking for!" Harry wailed.
"Cousin, no offence but I don't think you'd look good in high heels," Dudley grinned.
"Screw you!" Harry spluttered. "I am not looking for myself-"
"Oh, your girlfriend-who-isn't-a-girlfriend?"
"No, Hermione would murder me and then invite both Voldemort and Snape to watch from the front row for good measure," Harry answered dryly. "No, I am going to send some stuff to Narcissa Malfoy specifically this time."
Dudley blinked. "Your rival's mother or sister?"
"Mother."
That made Dudley splutter. "A little forward don't you think? Isn't she married?"
"Dud, shut the fuck up! And yes, she is married."
Dudley chuckled. "So, I hate to ask, but what kind of shit are you planning on sending the mother of this guy?"
The answer was something Dudley should have expected by now. "Lingerie, and maybe one or two ugly frilly dresses. But all of the ones in the house have pictures of actresses and Princess Diana – I refuse to flatter Narcissa Malfoy in any way! I want to make the woman scream so loudly you can hear her from Cornwall to Orkney!"
Dudley pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried not split his sides laughing. "Oh, yes, definitely forward! Christ, Harry – if you don't end up dead after this one, I am starting to think that these people are enjoying themselves."
Harry spluttered. "Yeah right!"
"What? I know I'd love getting free food and free creepy shit to put in Piers' bed or some shit," Dudley pointed out and got up. "But, Harry, you don't need a catalogue for this."
The wizard frowned. "But how else-"
"I am going to regret this, but come with me," Dudley beckoned for Harry to follow him. Bot boys went upstairs to Dudley's room and immediately went to Dudley's computer. Dudley booted it up, put his password in and then clicked something on the bottom, a window opened and Dudley typed into it: 'Amazon'.
Harry watched in utter fascination. "What is this?"
"You have been around the magicians too long. This is the internet," Dudley explained. "And this little site is probably going to be responsible for a lot of trouble in the future for guys who have shopping obsessed girlfriends – this is Amazon, a place where you can buy whatever shit you want, and have it delivered within two days."
Harry's eyes sparkled. "No way … why did you not show me this before?"
"Forgot," Dudley admitted, looking kind of embarrassed. "So, what kind of shit are you looking for?"
"Stuff grannies would wear, stuff that looks like it was made for a seven-year-old – like these Nala panties! Perfect! Holy Avalon and Camelot, what is this? Not even Dracula's Three Brides would be caught dead in that. Add this to basket as well. You can pick how many you want as well?! Awesome!"
It was probably in this very moment, Dudley Dursley regretted the decision to show his diabolical cousin this weapon of pure mayhem. The sound of the door-bell ringing at least gave Dudley the chance to escape for a bit. Piers Polkiss entered with a grin on his face. "And? It worked didn't it? The pizza gag? And the toy thing?"
"Oh it worked all right. How he isn't dead yet, is genuinely surprising," Dudley rolled his eyes.
"Where is Potter now?" Piers frowned, looking around the living room and the kitchen.
"My room. Ordering shit on Amazon."
Piers began dying of laughter in two seconds flat. "Oh my God, you actually showed Potter Amazon? Bloody hell, Big D, why would you do that? This I gotta see!"
Piers was up the stairs in three seconds, Dudley close behind. By the time both of the boys had gotten upstairs, they discovered Harry and his pet owl cackling and hooting maniacally, pointing at some disgustingly pink frilly lace dresses and added five of them to the basket.
"Harry, calm down before your bank decides to ask questions about your purchases," Dudley tried to reason with his cousin.
"Well, I am due a meeting with them soon, apparently. Hermione told me it is customary for the bank to get in touch about finances that belong to orphans when they turn sixteen," Harry responded while adding some more questionable unmentionables to the list.
"Hey, Potter. Since you're taking to online shopping already, why don't you also look at U Make the Shirt. They have just joined the ordering online gang," Piers stated. He pointed to his T-shirt that looked like it was merchandise for an Indie horror movie or something. "They allow you to make your own stuff – all they need is a drawing or something and they print it on the shirts. You wanna see?"
"Yeah!" Harry's eyes lit up.
Piers was at the computer in a jiffy, and typing the website name into the internet window in a different tab, and then clicked the first link at the top of the page. Dudley watched his best mate explain to his slightly demented cousin how the company worked and how the business had started by a friend of a friend and that it was 'already the bomb'.
"So, they do anything? Print anything?" Harry asked eagerly.
Piers nodded. "Yeah, but they no longer do bodily stuff. One mate of my dad's ordered a bunch of T-shirts with some really fucked up shit and the guys behind it received so many complains they were like, 'yeah, no more dicks or whatever'."
"Doesn't matter. I have something else in mind," the evil smirk was back in place and Harry looked at Dudley. "How well can you draw, Diddikins?"
Dudley rolled his eyes. "Well enough. Depends. Why?"
Harry's green eyes suddenly seemed to glow. "Can you draw in a cartoon-like style?"
"Yeah, he can. He did one of our maths teacher, Mr. Bridges, with his finger up his nose and a calculator on his head, and then we wrote next to it on the blackboard 'I AM BRIDGES. ME CAN'T DO MATHS'," Piers informed gleefully.
"Let me guess, shit maths teacher?" Harry guessed.
"You have no idea," Piers rolled his eyes.
"Harry, why would you need … oh no. You going to send them personalised T-shirts as well?" Dudley's eyes widened.
"Might as well go big, or go home at this point," Harry grinned. "Besides I owe Piers a cake for helping me last time so I guess that would mean I would owe you as well."
Piers lit up. "I just saw an awesome chocolate cake in the bakery. It supposed to be a birthday cake but I couldn't give a shit. Can we get that one?"
"Sure, just point it out to me," Harry smirked.
Dudley sighed in defeat. There was no way he could miss out on chocolate cake; Harry would be petty enough to make sure he didn't get a slice if Dudley didn't do the drawings. "What would you like me to draw?"
Well, those were some infamous last words.
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Two days the peace at Malfoy Manor lasted and most had recovered from the shock left by the last 'delivery' from Harry Potter. True, the Boglins were still being divided amongst the Death Eaters and their children for transgressions – by now, everyone had an impressive collection of the damn things – and Rodolphus Lestrange had been effectively evicted from his own bed because his wife had decided to adopt the rest of Mr. Mupples' friends and they were 'too scared and lonely to sleep alone'. It was safe to say, Rodolphus was in a very bad mood.
True, everyone was still on their guard – they now knew they had to be at all times. But for some of the residents, human woes were not really that important and thus continued to act as they normally did. One such resident, was Nagini.
Splish, splash, splish, splash. Nagini was thoroughly enjoying her daily bath, allowing the warm water to slip and slide off her scales. Bath time was one of her favourite times of the day, along with Eat Incompetent Death Eaters time and Scare the Rat To Death time – chasing Wormtail in rat form would never get old for her. Next to her, reading a book on improving wards, was Voldemort, now and again looking up from his page to smile at her fondly.
*You are always reading, Tom. Come and play with Nagini for once!* Nagini complained.
*I am so sorry I am so boring, my friend. I just have a lot of pressing matters,* Voldemort replied, eyes glowing slightly.
*Nagini is bored – that is a pressing matter!* the giant snake huffed. *No wonder the Potter hatchling has been extra annoying. He is bored, now Nagini is bored. You give him attention but not Nagini. It's not fair!*
Voldemort gave her a pointed look. *I do not give the Brat attention!*
*You open his presents and eat his food,* Nagini pouted. *You never like Nagini's presents or Nagini's food.*
Women, Voldemort thought to himself.
Nagini must have heard him somehow, because she hissed something in an indignant and incoherent manner, and the next thing the Dark Lord knew, he was splashed in the face with a sharp, well-aimed wave of water. He blinked in absolute shock. *Nagini … did you just splash me?!*
*You ignore Nagini, you get punished,* the snake informed simply.
Voldemort's ruby eyes narrowed. *If it is war you want, my friend,* he put his book aside and with a flick of his wrist, splashed Nagini's face with a wave of her own bath water, *it is war you will get!*
*FOR THE HONOUR OF PYTHON!* Nagini cried out before she started whipping water at Voldemort with her tail.
Meanwhile, while the Dark Lord and his familiar were engaged in a water fight, Avery and Rookwood were stuck on patrol outside as part of the new Watch Out for Any Muggle Vehicle division of the Inner Circle. Both men were reluctant at first to countenance going outside to keep an eye out for unsightly monstrous machines but after being threatened with a Boglin each by Bellatrix, they were forced to relent.
Avery already had seven Boglins and Rookwood had ten. Neither wanted any more of the unsightly creatures in their chambers.
"What do you think the boy will think of next?" Rookwood wondered out loud as they simply stood there, eyes fixed on the gate.
"I dread to think. If it is more toys, I think Rodolphus will use them as target practise for his new curses to make sure Bella can't adopt any of them too," Avery smirked. "I mean, I hear he is already forced to sleep on the sofa because of Mr. Mupples and his buddies."
Rookwood chuckled. "I hear she also has made them a uniform and a mask each!"
"Wouldn't surprise me, to be honest," Avery shook his head. "I mean, did you hear little Malfoy and the other kids last night?"
"You mean did I hear Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass scream like banshees from one end of the Manor to the other? Yes, I did," Rookwood confirmed with a grin. "I have never seen our Lord look that amused at being woken up before! That Oowahwah board is genuinely useful."
"Ouija," Avery corrected without even meaning to. "I mean, they have been using it for three days now and still haven't learned that waking the dead in the middle of the night is just rude."
Rookwood grinned and was about to answer when suddenly he heard the sound of something approaching the Manor. He narrowed his eyes as he watched around four or five white cars-that-were-not-cars pull up to the Manor, all of these vehicles with a giant black letter 'a' with a yellow curve under it.
"What in Merlin's name is that?" Avery's exclamation knocked Rookwood out of his head.
"No idea but I am willing to be my entire family's fortune that Potter has sent them. Must be Muggle nonsense again," Rookwood sighed.
"Yeah, I am not betting. We both know you'd win that bet," Avery sighed. "It has to be something Muggle. Maybe Snape knows what it is."
"I do not, for once." Both Death Eaters tried not to jump out of their skin as Severus Snape seemed to have glided out of the shadows and stood next to Rookwood with a slight, unnerving grin on his face. "But considering those are delivery vans, it is definitely Muggle."
"Excuse me?"
All three men stood stock still as they realised they were being addressed by a Muggle in a white T-shirt, looking extremely tired. "Yes?" Snape eventually was the one to answer.
"Is this Malfoy Manor?" the Muggle asked, sounding very irritated. "We have already made at least five wrong turns and I swear this place just appeared out of nowhere."
Part of Snape really was tempted to say, No this is not Malfoy Manor, take your ugly vehicles and go, but he knew he would end up with two Boglins and a Cruciatus from the Dark Lord and would likely have to deal with curses and jinxes from Macnair and Rabastan Lestrange.
The ignominy was not worth it.
"Yes, this is Malfoy Manor," Snape drawled.
"Is Narcissa Malfoy home?" another Muggle, a young woman this time with oak hair, spoke up. "I have a delivery in her name."
"Same!" the others piped up.
"Narcissa?!" Avery couldn't believe his ears. "Not Draco?"
"No, sir," the girl responded. "Only Narcissa Malfoy."
"Oh fuck me," Rookwood muttered. What had the Potter boy done?!
"Well, I suggest you ring the bell," Snape called to them. "That will get Narcissa's attention."
The Muggles exchanged a confused look but were frankly too tired to argue. The first Muggle rang the bell.
The BRRRRRRRRIIIINNNNGGGG! that ran around Malfoy Manor put not only a stop to Voldemort and Nagini's water fight, but to the children chasing some of Lucius' peacocks around and Bellatrix's Plot to Fillet the Muggles Number 20 that she was devising.
"They are back!" she sang menacingly, picking up Mr. Mupples. "Come along, Mr. Mupples. Let us see if our Lord will finally allow me to use one of our fun little plans."
Narcissa herself was sitting in the parlour, praying as the silver orb floated in front of her and the Dark Lord and the Inner Circle burst into the room without ceremony, soon followed by Nagini the snake as well as Draco and his friends. "Yes, who is it?"
"Sorry to disturb you, ma'am. Amazon delivery for Narcissa Malfoy," replied one of the slightly older Muggle drivers.
Narcissa blinked. "I'm sorry, what kind of delivery?"
"Amazon delivery. Surely you remember, ma'am?" the young girl next to him asked carefully.
"Bet she was wasted," one of the others muttered.
"Shush!" the girl snapped.
Narcissa sighed in defeat. She would be overruled by the Dark Lord if she tried to refuse. "Very well."
"Wait, it is only for you, Mother?" Draco actually pouted. "Potter only sent you stuff?"
"Awwww, little Malfoy's jealous," Macnair teased, causing the Inner Circle to chuckle and cackle.
"Am not!" Draco turned strawberry red in about five seconds flat.
The group watched Snape, Avery and Rookwood get out of the way of the vans as they drove up the gravel to the house and the drivers immediately hopped out to start unloading their vans. Rookwood was absolutely taken aback when a few of the Muggles insisted that someone needed to sign off on the delivery on a piece of paper. The former Unspeakable had pulled a face of disgust when he picked up the pen and put down his signature. At least there were not one hundred and twenty boxes this time.
There were ninety. The boy was showing some self-restraint.
Knowing already that their Lord would insist on those boxes being brought inside, Snape, Avery and Rookwood began levitating some of the boxes inside, lower ranked guards rushing out from all directions to help.
None of them wanted to admit to it, but they did physically pick up one or two to see if they could guess what could be inside these boxes. They shook them a few times – nothing rattled, and nothing smelled like food. The contents of the box only shuffled from left to right ever so slightly. It wasn't food or anything that could bounce around from one corner of the box at a single shake like the toys.
What in the name of Morgana could it be?
"What's that, Mr. Mupples?" Bellatrix held Mr. Mupples, dressed in miniature Death Eater armour, cloak and silver mask on his head, next to her ear. "You think Cissy should have allowed Auntie Bella to skin the filth? Oh I agree! But I do not have permission yet."
Mr. Mupples shook again.
"Oh, you think Cissy should open her presents? I think so too!" Bellatrix sang.
"We need a Mind Healer, pronto," Mulciber commented as Rodolphus pinched the bridge of his nose and Rabastan seemed close to stabbing himself in the leg just to stop himself from laughing.
"Nah, that ship has sailed," Dolohov shook his head.
"Ssssseverusss, Avery and Augusssstuusss, pleassse bring a few boxesss," Voldemort ordered silkily.
Snape, Avery and Rookwood exchanged a look before they each levitated one box towards the parlour, quietly dreading what the Potter boy had the raw nerve to send to Narcissa Malfoy. They would be lying to themselves if they weren't a little intrigued at what the clearly diabolical mind of the so-called Saviour conjured up next.
"If only the Brat worked this hard in Potions, he would be getting better grades," Snape found himself grumbling.
"Maybe you're just a piss-poor teacher," Avery smirked.
"So are we going to start betting on what the boy has done, or are we just going to open it and see what monstrosity leaps out at us?" Rowle wanted to know as the boxes were placed in front of a quietly irate Narcissa.
"Mr. Mupples says stop wasting time and open it!" Bellatrix informed them. "I think so tooooo so let's open iiiitt!"
"I agree," Voldemort was forced to concur with his lieutenant and her ugly, plushie monster.
Morgana please have mercy on me, Narcissa prayed as she used the Cutting Jinx on the boxes' tape.
However, it would appear that Morgana was in no mood to listen to Narcissa at all. Because Narcissa was forced to look into the first box and was met with the sight of something not even Lucius had bought her.
"POTTER!" she shrieked in fury, causing many of the windows around the parlour to split almost cleanly down the middle, more than a few people jumping back in shock.
"Cissy, what's wrong?" Bellatrix asked frowning. "You scared Mr. Mupples!"
Narcissa, tomato red with incandescent rage, did not answer. The only thing she did was lift up out of the box a bra and knicker set wrapped in plastic; both were pink with cartoon lions on them.
"MERLIN'S SAGGY BALLS!" the chorus ran around the Inner Circle instantly. Draco covered his eyes, Daphne, Millicent and Pansy looked set to faint while Theo, Blaise, Gregory and Vincent were dying of laughter, as were Greyback, Avery, Dolohov, Macnair and Mulciber.
It wasn't the only pair. There were rainbow sets, sets with fruit – yes, one did have melons on them and yes the melons were exactly where you'd expect them to be. There were some horribly old fashioned ones Narcissa would not be caught dead in but Nagini thought were hats. The second box was full of them too!
Macnair was also struggling to breathe from laughing. "Well, I am not so sure Lucius will be happy with any of them when you welcome him home!"
Narcissa's eyes glowed a menacing blue at this, causing the cracks in the windows to deepen.
"Oh no," Rabastan, who had decided to open the last box, looked like he wanted to either faint or start laughing. "No, no, no – Narcissa, don't look in this one."
The Lady Malfoy was in no mood to listen. She stomped over to the box, looked in it, clenched her jaws so loudly it echoed around the room and lifted out this ugly, Victorian style frilly, silk dress in the most disgustingly salmon pink colour one could ever set eyes on. It was genuinely impressive at how ugly it was. Narcissa hummed with rage when she realised there was also a matching bonnet that went with it.
"I AM GOING TO KILL THIS BOY!" she screeched.
Rabastan was in a nearby armchair, dying from inability to breathe due to access laughter.
"Narcissa," Voldemort hissed warningly.
"Look at this!" Narcissa, for the first time in her life, ignored the Dark Lord. "What does he take me for? Some common strumpet like Molly Weasley who settles for this cheap kind of excuse for silk?"
"That is your main concern?" Dolohov could not believe his ears. "Not the fact it is ugly or the fact it is pink of all things?"
"Draco, summon Lily Potter the next time you use the Oowahwah board," Narcissa snarled. "Ask her to educate her son on women's fashion from beyond the grave!"
Draco gulped. "Yes, Mother," he squeaked meekly.
Bellatrix on the other hand skipped over to the dress. "Oooo I can curse this thing to start strangling its wearer and then try and find out how to send it to Potter's little Mudblood friend. What do you say, Mr. Mupples? Yes, it is very ugly! Just like her. Hehehehehehehehehehe. Oooo, yes this thing does need more ribbons."
Bellatrix had taken the dress and bonnet and was out of the room before anyone could so much as facepalm.
"I hate to break it to you, Narcissa, but you have eighty-seven of those boxes left," Rodolphus informed her dryly.
"NOOOOOOOO!" Lady Malfoy wailed.
"I think we should at least get rid of those boxes before the elves get ideas," Avery pointed out.
"Yessss, good thinking," Voldemort agreed. He then quickly frowned. "Nagini, put that bonnet back into the box!"
Nagini, who was now covered by an ugly brown bonnet, pouted. *It is so warm in here, Tom!*
*Nagini, I do not care. Put that ugly-*
BRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGG!
The whole world seemed to stop spinning for a moment. Nagini dropped the bonnet in pure shock.
"No fucking way!" Rowle was the first to recover. "AGAIN?! TWICE IN A DAY?!"
Sure enough, there came the silver orb and within they saw yet another exhausted Muggle, this time in another Royal Mail van, looking about as murderous as they all felt. "Delivery for Draco Malfoy!"
"Oh, would you look at that! Potter hasn't forgotten you after all," Macnair quipped with a smirk.
Draco flushed red. Narcissa, not even having enough energy or the will to argue with any more Muggles, just in case she would be too tempted to allow Bella to have some fun, waved her hand in pure exhaustion and the Royal Mail Muggle drove his vehicle onto Malfoy land. Everyone was holding their breath – they never had two deliveries in a day!
This was bad. Potter seemed to have upped the ante on making their lives miserable.
They watched the Muggle unload a further one hundred and twenty boxes from the back of his van. By now, both Lestranges had their head in their hands, Macnair was bouncing like an excited child, Rowle looked set to hit his head against the nearest wall, Dolohov was shaking his head, Rookwood was stock still, Snape was quietly contemplating murder, Avery looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole, and Mulciber seemed to have given up on life. Yaxley and Greyback watched in pure shock; the childrens' parents were taking a seat on the sofa because this was going to take a while. Voldemort's own red eyes were now glowing.
The only one who went outside was Wormtail, who had been watching from a window in the entrance hall. He quietly marvelled at how good James' son was at pulling these pranks off but was fearing the reaction of the Dark Lord and the Inner Circle. Wormtail did not want to be anywhere near them when they were opening these boxes, he knew that for certain.
A few lower ranked guards were brave enough to help cart more boxes into the Malfoy entrance hall but everyone had the good sense to skedaddle the moment they saw Snape, Yaxley and Rodolphus step out into the entrance hall, looking furious and amazed at the same time.
No one spoke or even dared to breathe as one of those new dreaded boxes was carried into the room.
"Oh boy," Blaise whispered to himself. "Potter, what have you done?"
The one who had the honour of opening the box was Voldemort himself, for once. The Dark Lord elegantly cut the box open with a non-verbal and the flaps opened with yet another non-verbal spell. All he could see was that one half of the box was red and the other was white. They were all made of cloth – yet more clothes.
But this was the Potter Brat. There was always something more to it. The Dark Lord frowned and picked up one of the white clothes and unfurled it. It was one of those ugly garments called T-shirts; he saw some of the pureblood children wearing them as well. Only this T-shirt had something on the front.
Right in the middle, was a drawing of a cartoon snowy owl with a crown on her head, one wing holding onto a sceptre and looking extremely proud of herself. In her talons was a disgruntled and fuming snake – an angry Nagini to be exact. Written in golden letters above and under the image was THE HEDWIG APPRECIATION SOCIETY.
Voldemort's eyes glowed ruby red at this and then, against his better judgement, he reached over for one of the red T-shirts and unfurled that one too.
On the front of the red T-shirts was a cartoon image of Potter, Weasley, Granger, the Lovegood girl, the Longbottom boy, Weasley's younger sister and a bunch of other children Voldemort did not recognise all dressed as mock Death Eaters with Potter in his flowing robes. They all held cookies in their heads. Above and below the image was written: JOIN THE HARRY SIDE – WE HAVE COOKIES!
The Death Eaters and the children, as soon as they saw the T-shirts, braced themselves."HAAAAAARRY POOOOOOOOTTERRRRRR!" Voldemort roared.
Indeed, it was no exaggeration to say that scream was so loud that every witch and wizard in the land, Muggleborn included, could hear the incandescent, dulcet tones of the Dark Lord as though he were standing right next to them. Also, it was noted that one of the Queen's favourite tea sets spontaneously exploded, but that was quickly and quietly replaced.
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Harry, Dudley and the Weasleys were sitting in the Dursley living room, eating pizza and watching Willow. The Weasleys had arrived just when Harry and Dudley were going to have dinner and Arthur Weasley could not resist passing up the opportunity to explore the Muggle home of the Dursleys further and immediately agreed that he and the children would stay for dinner when offered by Dudley. Arthur was busy exploring, with Ron and Ginny keeping a close eye on him, while the twins, Dudley and Harry kept watching the movie.
"Hey, Harry. Just curious, does Queen Bavmorda act like your Dark Lord?" Dudley asked as Bavmorda captured Willow and the others at the lake.
"Nah, this one does her own dirty work," Fred chuckled.
"Well, she is does try to kill a baby because of some damn rune mark that apparently sets the child apart, so that part fits," George replied, finishing his last slice of pizza.
"Yeah, but I wasn't born with a rune mark. I was just born," Harry grumbled as he got up to get another slice of pizza.
It was at this very moment that the Weasleys all clutch their heads; Harry felt his scar burn up in an intensity he hadn't felt in a while that knocked him to the ground. The scream of Lord Voldemort rang in their ears as clear as bells.
Dudley was up on his feet in an instant, and rushed to his cousin's side while also shooting looks at the twins. "Cousin, you OK? What happened? Is it Voldemort?"
"You said his name!" the twins chorused, looking at the Muggle boy in disbelief.
"So?" Dudley shrugged. "It's his name, right? What else should I call him? Captain Red-Eyes?"
Harry chuckled. "I need to remember that one. Good one, Dud," the Boy-Who-Now-Knew-He-Was-Definitely-Toast picked himself up off the floor. "But yes, it was Voldemort."
"Don't say his name!" all the Weasleys chorused. Arthur, Ron and Ginny had returned, looking ashen in the face.
Harry was now looking at his watch.
"What is it, Harry?" Arthur asked, sounding worried.
"Hermione is predictable, as you know. She will ring up to yell at me in exactly 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0!"
As soon as Harry got to "zero", the landline in the corridor of the Dursley residence started going ham. Ron and Ginny spluttered with laughter and even Arthur Weasley had to chuckle and shake his head. Fred and George were too busy watching the movie to react.
Harry sighed, picked up the phone and before it was even a quarter of the way to his ear, he heard Hermione's shrill tones begin to berate him. He already knew that Dudley had gone straight for the kitchen landline as he brought the phone directly to his ear.
"-you absolute bloody dingbat, Harry Potter, I have no idea what you have done but whatever it is, somehow You-Know-Who caught wind of it and has completely lost it!"
"Hermione, he lost it a long time ago," Harry stated dryly.
"What did you do?" she demanded.
"Nothing too major. I sent some clothes to Narcissa Malfoy and then Dudley and his friend Piers helped me make some Hedwig Appreciation Society T-shirts as well as Harry Side T-shirts."
"Harry Side T-shirts – oh no, you actually made T-shirts for that stupid imaginary club Fred and George tried to set up last year?" Hermione's tone went up an octave somehow. "You sent Fan Club T-shirts for both you and Hedwig to Malfoy Manor and you had no idea You-Know-Who was there?!"
"Nope, none!" Harry confirmed jovially.
"How many did you send?" was the next demand.
"Erm … one or two …"
"What, hundred or thousand?"
"I wasn't allowed to do thousand; Dudley wouldn't let me," Harry pouted. "I had to stick to the two hundred mark."
"Oh bloody hell," it was a dark day indeed when Hermione Granger swore. Yet, Harry was too pleased with himself to care. "Did you hear it? The screaming? I am willing to bet every wizard and witch in the country heard it! What were you thinking? You know what, considering how bored you are I really won't like the answer so please ignore the fact I just asked that. Forget you learning from Fred and George, they could learn from you!"
"Now there's an idea," Harry smirked.
"Harry James Potter! This is not funny!"
"No, it's hilarious," Harry did a small dance.
"Oh, Merlin, I hope for your sake you keep your head down in a while. I hope your aunt or uncle has some kind of weapon in the house because then I really think both you and your cousin will disappear into the night," Hermione rattled on. "Whatever are you going to think up next? Nagini For Best Nesting Mother posters? Tom Riddle the Talking Diary Fan Club on Muggle baby clothes?"
"Stupid question: why are you giving him ideas?" Dudley asked from the kitchen landline, Ron and Ginny also trying to listen in.
"There are two phones that connect to the same call?" Arthur gushed. "Oh this is amazing!"
Hermione was busy continuing her tirade. "Do you have any idea how much you have angered You-Know-Who? Of course you don't, you don't care enough. Why does that not surprise me? This is one of the dumbest things I have heard and I have heard some incredibly stupid things come out of Crabbe and Goyle's mouth. Please for all our sakes, just behave for a few weeks or so because I am willing to bet that You-Know-Who will have so many volunteers willing to catch you, he will have to turn some away! I would not be surprised if he put aside his hatred of Muggles and hired a Muggle contract killer to kill you because your mother's protection does not protect you from a Muggle gun."
Finally, the Muggleborn witch took a breath. That was quickly followed up by a scared gasp. "Oh no. What if that is what he is thinking right now? Harry, you and your cousin need to get the hell out of there. We know your mother's protection protects you from enemy wizards but we don't know about enemy Muggles! By the way, you haven't received any Howlers yet have you?"
By now, Harry was just leaning against the wall, with the phone horn turned upwards, Hermione's babbling loud enough for Ron and Ginny, who had joined Harry by the phone, to also hear and roll their eyes, both pinching the bridge of their noses.
Finally, when Hermione Granger came up for air again, Arthur Weasley intervened. "Hermione, my family and I are here to pick up Harry. We were just having dinner with Harry and his cousin. Both are in fine health."
"Oh thank Merlin! Just keep a closer eye on him in the next couple of days and weeks – just until we get to Hogwarts," Hermione begged.
"We will see what can be done," Arthur responded serenely.
Slightly relieved and happy in the knowledge Harry was safe, Hermione hung up the phone. As soon as she did, Arthur gave Harry a pointed look. "You have been pranking the Malfoys?"
"Yes, sir," Harry admitted readily.
Arthur blinked a few times and pursed his lips. "Well done, lad."
"You never said that to us!" the twins protested, gaping.
"Yes, I did," Arthur looked a little saddened. "You driving my car to Surrey and back was still a favourite amongst your achievements, along with your shop."
The twins preened at this.
Ron rolled his eyes. "Come on, mate. Let's get your stuff. Have you packed yet?"
"Erm … half," Harry smiled.
"Come on then. I'll help finish the rest," Ron grinned. "Then you can tell me everything you've been up to."
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Hello guys! I am back from my weekend away with friends and you have no idea how mopey I was that I had a good idea and I couldn't immediately write it down because I apparently thought we were going camping so didn't need my laptop. Turns out my friends have a very different idea of what camping entails … oh well! I had a weekend away from my laptop, oh well. I had fun!
But it just meant that writing this was easy as pie. Some of the scenes are based of an idea a review told me about and some of them were so good I couldn't not include them though I did tweak them here and there. I am possibly doing the knit-wear thing for Harry's Christmas prank but personalised T-shirts are just as fun! I also did some research and internet shopping was only just starting in the 90s and Amazon itself started in 1995 so I thought … why not? I also did some research into how long a snake should be bathed and in what kind of water … Oh and Willow is a movie that came out in 1988; I had a look at the story line and it is actually rather interesting.
I think I may be a little mad, but oh well.
I will see you guys next time!
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