More Music, More Mayhem, A Kitten Army and An Evil Remote
The next morning saw half the Death Eaters, guards included, with giant, deep bags under their eyes and the rest well rested or coming back from night missions that Voldemort had sent them on. The reason for this was because the Greyback pack had unpacked all the glow-in-the-dark shapes and – while everyone had been distracted at dinner – they had gone into every single room, including Lord Voldemort's (they were very pleased that they had snuck in without triggering some kind of dark curse for intruders), and had stuck a myriad of shapes onto each ceiling. Some lucky few even got patterns or different scenes; Bellatrix and Narcissa's chambers for example actually had a few accurate constellations, which was probably why Mr. Mupples wasn't telling Bellatrix to try and skin the werewolves alive for a new coat or give their blood to the Blood Duck.
Nagini, Thalia, Rabastan, Rodolphus, Rookwood, Macnair, Dolohov, both Averys and Mulciber were also amongst those who didn't mind the strange glowing things on their ceilings. Surprisingly, Snape himself sneered at up at his, especially the dolphins leaping out of the waves, but he didn't necessarily cared too much about them. In fact, he rather liked the hammer head sharks chasing after the dolphins.
The usual suspects didn't even attempt to hide their distaste and fear for the damn things. Lucius, while his wife didn't mind the glowing stars, spent most of the night refusing to sleep on his back in case he would end up looking at the foul things during the night. It was already bad enough he had spent the entire evening fixing his garden after the werewolves had their stupid game of football. Lord Malfoy simply just wanted to go to sleep!
I wish I was back in Azkaban, was a thought that had crossed his mind at this point. At least the Dementors didn't pull nonsense like this!
Yaxley had tried to Banish his a total of twenty times during the night but somehow, none of the spells were working. The Carrows flat out refused to sleep in their rooms so ended up bunking down in the parlour, along with Travers, Jugson, and several minor Death Eaters who were suddenly all afraid to sleep in their own chambers. One or two even bought one of their damn Boglins and the friend they were babysitting for Mr. Mupples for company.
As a result, the Malfoy house elves were thoroughly confused when they had do to the wakeup call the next morning and found that several of their guests were sleeping in make shift beds in the parlour.
As for Voldemort himself, he had also spent a rather restless night but for an entirely different reason. Indeed, those common, plastic glow-in-the-dark shapes were irritating, especially since the damn kids decided to give him a bunch of the dinosaur shapes, but they were not bright or vexing enough to be responsible for affecting his sleep at all. No, the reason why the Dark Lord was in a very crabby mood was of course due to one Harry I-Enjoy-Sending-Weird-Dreams-and-Nightmares-to-My-Least-Favourite-Dark-Lord Potter.
You see, Harry somehow found the ability to get bored in his sleep as well, which frankly was very impressive, and unfortunately, Lord Voldemort was the only one 'lucky' enough to have a mental link with the diabolical son of Prongs and was thus treated to a round of weird dreams, the first one in a long while, admittedly. As was the case with the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Cause-Voldemort-Nothing-But-Misery-And-A-Pulsing-Headache, the dreams made no logical sense what so ever.
First there was a dream about a choir made up of house elves, cats, owls and snakes that were singing the Night Queen Aria, Ode to Joy, Toreador and La Habanera, followed by a dream about people with waffles for heads and someone with a normal head taking a bite out of one of them, and Voldemort being forced to attend the funeral of the person, and then a dream about Dumbledore showing Voldie how to take pictures of cats and then asking him to identify which was actually Professor McGonagall in cat form while writing plays on a black board with the help of the Sorting Hat and Fawkes the Phoenix.
Voldemort thought that nightmare, which was so bad that he almost awoke because of it, was going to be the end of it, but apparently Harry had been saving up some weird dreams and nightmares because the next dream was about Voldemort and his Death Eaters forced to fight against a bunch of giant elemental dinosaurs and then take down the ruling T-Rex in order to be able to get to Hogwarts. Then there was a dream about Nagini, Thalia, Hedwig, an ugly orange cat and a smaller owl all dressed up as musketeers and having to stop an assassination attempt on Queen Elizabeth's life.
Perhaps this was the last straw, because the Dark Lord decided to retaliate with images of the sky being one giant eyeball, images of people getting tortured, monsters lurking under the beds, and images of Harry's past dead loved ones coming back as evil spirits to hunt the boy down. However, it seemed that instead of traumatising the Brat or at least knocking him out of the Realm of Hypnos, Harry had viewed the dreams as some kind of challenge.
One would have thought Voldemort knew better by now than to challenge the Boy-Who-Was-Rather-Having-Too-Much-Fun-In-The-Dream-World in a place that was frankly far more dangerous than the real world itself. The dreams the Brat sent back consisted of a dream where Malfoy Manor was snowed in and no one could get help; their magic also wasn't working for some reason. Then there was a dream where everyone had a talking animal familiar; somehow Mr. Mupples was fully sentient and had an annoying dolphin that was actually worse than Thalia with its puns! Severus Snape had a koala, for some Merlin-only-knows reason. Finally, to top it all off, the boy sent his nemesis a dream where a mermaid had fallen in love with dear Old Snakeface and was stalking him from one body of water to the other.
It was this dream that made Voldemort nope the fuck out of the Realm of Hypnos at around seven thirty in the morning. As one can imagine, it was not a big surprise to know that the Dark Lord was not in the best of moods because of this.
Thus the atmosphere around the breakfast table that morning was a little heavy. The only thing that marginally cheered everyone up was the fact that Rabastan was back to happily making smoothies again with the yoghurt and fruit he got from his farmer's market yesterday. A good number of the assembled people had their noses in books, especially Draco, who was busy reading up on Reparation Charms while drinking an orange, mango and dragon fruit smoothie. Others had decided to forgo Rabastan's smoothie and instead opted to ply themselves with several cups of coffee to ensure that they would not fall asleep at an incorrect moment and thus incur the wrath of the Dark Lord.
The total sum of some of them was at seven.
While the pancakes were being served, Nagini and Thalia slithered in, chatting happily about the awesome new decorations that their habitats got in the form of the glowing shapes. Voldemort scowled at his snakes.
*You two are late,* he stated snappily.
*Oh no, we have grumpy Tom again,* Thalia huffed.
*We just had a very long relaxing bath,* Nagini added. *We did not get much sleep last night. There were people crying about glowing fishes chasing them and people leaving rooms and going into rooms – it was very noisy.*
*Speaking of baths, why don't you have that many ducks in your bath anymore, Tom?* Thalia continued. *Given how lonely you are, we thought you would still have at least twenty but some of them have disappeared.*
*I suspect the Blood Duck got them,* Nagini put in.
Voldemort's jaw clenched slightly. *I. Am. Not. Lonely!*
Thalia giggled. *I think I know why Tom hasn't got as many ducks, Nagini. They drove him quackers!*
*You drive me quackers!* Voldemort shot back.
*You haven't gotten much sleep have you?* Nagini asked, sounding once more like a right mother.
Voldemort scowled but refused to answer.
*That's a no,* Thalia translated.
*Was it the glowing shapes?* Nagini continued.
*No, the boy is an irritating little verruca,* Voldemort snarled.
*Dreaming about the Potter hatchling again?* Thalia smirked. *You should be very careful before someone gets the wrong idea, Tom.*
The Dark Lord's eyes flashed red. *He was sending me dreams and nightmares, Thalia, I was NOT dreaming OF him!*
*Whatever you say, my friend.* Thalia lit up. *Nagini, call Tom a wallflower.*
*Why?*
*Just do it!*
*Don't do it!* Voldemort quickly pleaded.
Nagini smirked. *Tom is a wallflower.*
*Yeah, but only as poison ivy! Hahahaha!*
It was perhaps rather fortunate that the Death Eaters who had been sent out on missions during the night returned at that particular moment to give their reports to their master. It gave Voldemort something else to focus on, while trying not to lose his temper. Important government Ministers had been successfully placed under the Imperius Curse and Fenrir's mission to seize Ollivander from his shop in Diagon Alley had gone off without a hitch. Well, they did destroy an important bridge in London and several Muggles had been injured but that wasn't as important.
Unfortunately one poor Death Eater did not get to finish his report because he was interrupted by a rather worried Bellatrix.
"What is it, Mr. Mupples? Why are you so restless? … What? Why … no I don't understand what is wrong – what? You think the itty bitty baby Potter is up to no good? He is always up to no good … what do you mean you will be a target?"
Dolohov's lime and watermelon smoothie came spraying out of his nose because he could not stop himself from splitting his sides.
Rodolphus huffed in irritation. "Bella, I doubt Mr. Mupples is in danger of being Potter's next target, on the account of him being a damn plushie!"
Bellatrix glowered at her husband. "Itty bitty Potter knows no mercy, Dolph. Why are you always so mean to Mr. Mupples?!"
"Oh boy here we go again," Rowle sighed.
*Do you think the Potter hatchling is really going to target Mr. Mupples?* Nagini asked her friend.
*I think there is definitely a good chance of that happening,* Thalia confirmed. *Mr. Mupples is completely stuffed!*
Voldemort had his head in his hands at this point.
# I'm only happy when it rains, I'm only happy when it's complicated # the Brat was back! Oooo someone really should write a proper song so I can send it to you, Voldie.
Drop dead.
No thank you. By the way, what was that about you having rubber ducks in the bath?
You didn't hear anything!
I am pretty sure that I did.
Can you pretend for a single minute that you didn't?
No, because the idea of you having rubber duckies is fucking funny and is definitely worth telling the Daily Prophet.
Voldemort paled even more than he already was. DON'T YOU DARE, HARRY!
Laughter ran around the Dark Lord's head. Or else what? You'll kill me? You tried five times and failed. Why don't you just ditch the old AK because it isn't really working out for you.
I am working on a solution, Voldemort sneered.
Ooooo are you going to use the Tickle Charm on me until I suffocate to death? The boy sounded way too excited about that for the Dark Lord's liking. Or are you going to hand me over to Fenrir?
No, you're mine to finish off.
Yeah, Thalia's right. Out of context, that sounds really dodgy.
Voldemort growled. One day soon, I am going to wipe the smirk off your face, Harry Potter!
Smirking? Who says anything about smirking, Captain Cueball?
WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!
Tommy.
WHY YOU LITTLE-
Calm down, Marvolololo.
HOW DO YOU KNOW MY MIDDLE NAME?!
I killed your stupid diary remember? By the way, why the hell would you get rid of those boyish good looks? Women fall for that shit like dominos. You wouldn't need to threaten to kill people with some good looks.
HARRY-
What ingredients did Wormtail even use for that potion? Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of wombat and tongue of werewolf? Too much's snake tongue? Let me guess, he accidentally put too much Essence of Insanity in that cauldron too?
Steam was coming out of Voldemort's ears and nose. HARRY POTTER-
Oh shoot, I hear Hermione. I helped the twins boobytrap her trunk and I don't think she likes our surprise all too much. I need to go and find a new hiding place. Byeeeee Voldie!
Harry was as gone as quickly as he opened the Link. Voldemort began grumbling to himself in Parseltongue once more. The Death Eaters and the children were very quickly dismissed after breakfast so that Voldemort could prepare to take his frustrations out on Ollivander.
The Gatewatch members of the day comprised of Rookwood, who had been persuaded to leave the magazines and children's mystery cartoon series alone for a bit, Rodolphus – who was now avoiding Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples again – Rabastan, Rowle and Dolohov. As usual Reed joined his Death Eater friends while Roden, Beynon and Holland took up look out duty on the wall.
"Just a few more days and the kids will be off to school again," Rowle commented.
"Nothing is likely to change too much; it's the Greyback pack who cause the most raucous," Dolohov pointed out with a grin. Reed rolled his eyes.
"Well it does mean that we will then be on equal footing with Harry Potter," Rookwood put in with a grin. "We will know exactly where he is too."
His friends lit up at this.
"Walden is going to have fun with his own pranking spree," Rabastan chuckled.
"Hey, I plan to do some too!" Dolohov informed, pouting a little.
"I also know Narcissa has been waiting to get her own back," Rodolphus added. "I have no idea precisely what she has been plotting, but all I know is that the boy is going to regret the day he thought he could send her lingerie and ugly dresses."
"Speaking of those ugly dresses, has Bella finished her torture dresses yet?" Rowle asked curiously.
"She has and is disappointed that our Lord has ordered her not to send them yet," Rodolphus huffed, sighing dramatically. "She has three of them already."
Reed snorted. "Oh boy. I hope for the sake of Hogwarts' other children that the idiotic lunatic in charge will boost the wards just for the sake of keeping Bellatrix and Fenrir out, because I know Fenrir is going to try and test those barriers."
"Which is why young Draco's task is extremely important," Rookwood pointed out. "We need to find a way in that bypasses the wards. The Vanishing Cabinet is the only way into Hogwarts that can do it."
Reed frowned. "Are you not concerned that the boy might make Draco's job a little bit more difficult considering the fact that he will likely continue this campaign within the castle walls?"
"I am sure Draco will find a way," Rabastan smiled brightly. "He is a Slytherin after all."
Dolohov clapped his hands together. "So, gentlemen, are we going to take bets on who Potter has decided to target this time?"
"Well he is going after new targets," Rookwood frowned thoughtfully, "so I wouldn't be surprised if Amycus will be amongst the group."
"Amy? Yeah, Amy is grumpy and Potter seems to love testing boundaries of bad tempered people," Rowle grinned.
"I don't think Amycus even crossed his mind," Rabastan frowned ponderingly. "If I have to take a guess at how I think the Potter boy picks his targets, I wouldn't be surprised if he goes after Wormtail."
"WORMTAIL?!" the Death Eaters and Reed chorused in shock.
"Think about it," Rabastan grinned. "Wormtail betrayed the Potters to our Lord, and helped to resurrect him. The boy is vindictive when it comes to people who cross him; why else do you think he takes delight in pissing the Malfoys off, Bella too? He makes our Lord angry and jealous by being nice to Nagini and Thalia – the only one who hasn't been targeted who crossed Potter is Wormtail."
Rookwood considered for a moment before nodding in agreement. "It would not surprise me if Rabastan is right," he concurred.
Reed frowned. "Do you think that the boy might actually target Mr. Mupples? After all, he was responsible for sending Mr. Mupples in the first place."
"I doubt that would stop him," Rabastan replied, laughing. "I think he might use Mr. Mupples as a way to illicit some kind of reaction out of everyone else."
"What, he might send something useful to a plushie?" Dolohov gauged.
"What better way to insult someone than to give something genuinely nice to a thing that can't use it?" the youngest Lestrange chuckled evilly. "It is what I would do too."
"Wormtail … Mr. Mupples … who else?" Rodolphus mused.
Rowle, who had been deep in thought during this time, seemed to come to a theory on who else could be a target. "Gentlemen, I may have a funny feeling that dear old Severus might also be on the list."
"I think Severus would be too easy though," Dolohov frowned.
"Unless of course, the boy came up with a very fitting idea for him," Rookwood pointed out.
Reed frowned and cocked his head slightly. "Can someone please explain why the Potter boy hates Severus so much?"
"As far as I know, they just don't see eye to eye. Plus it doesn't help the kid looks like James Potter," Dolohov explained, shaking his head a little. He then lit up. "Do you think there will be three or four targets?"
"That would beg the question, who is target number four?" Rodolphus questioned.
"Maybe one of his favourites?" Rowle suggested.
"Favourites?" Reed repeated incredulously.
"Yeah, it's what I call the boy's targets who have gotten some half decent things they actually like," Rowle clarified. "So far I count Rabastan and Augustus amongst the favourites. Nagini and Thalia are definitely included."
Rabastan looked at his friend in surprise. "Me?! A favourite?"
Rookwood was just as surprised. "Just because we got some less useless things than everyone else?"
"That and I don't get the impression he is trying to insult you," Rowle replied. "If I had to bet, one of you will be getting a gift again today. I just think it a toss-up."
"Well, I for one would put my money on Basti," Rodolphus supplied immediately.
"I agree," Reed followed suit.
Rabastan flushed a little at this point.
"Nah, Augustus," Dolohov grinned. "I think the boy would love to see if he can get dear old Augustus to blow his top. No one has ever been able to do it, apart from Karkaroff, but he is a treacherous little bastard."
A malicious glint entered the eyes of the former Unspeakable. "I cannot wait to settle that score," he stated with an underlying tone of menace.
Reed's ears suddenly pricked up and he began smirking gleefully. Roden, Beynon and Holland were already howling in anticipation, once again bouncing on the balls of their feet as they saw the fronts of vans approach the heavily graffitied Malfoy drive way. The Death Eaters lit up too.
"Colours, gentlemen!" Rowle grinned.
"Red!" Dolohov and Rabastan answered in unison.
"White!" Rodolphus and Reed added.
"Brown," Rookwood huffed.
As for the three young werewolves up on the wall they had decided to run along the wall to see if they could already get a sneaky peak at the colours before the vans arrived in front of the gates. Once they did, the three of them legged it back and started shouting, "TWO WHITE, ONE RED AND ONE BROWN!"
The Gatewatch lit up at this. They watched excitedly to see if the lookout had been correct, and sure enough, not a few seconds later, two white Amazon delivery vans, one Royal Mail and one UPS van pulled up outside of the Manor. Unfortunately it seemed a few of them had visited the Manor before.
"Creepy Town again?! This is the third bloody time!"
"I really hope Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy are in a better mood."
"Hello there!" Holland called down to the four Muggles, causing the new Amazon drivers to jump out of their skins but the two Muggles who had visited before to simply sigh in irritation. "Who are your deliveries for this time?"
The Royal Mail Muggle sighed. "I don't know if one of your guests was drunk, but I have a delivery for a Mr. Wormtail."
Roden turned around and shouted back at the Death Eaters and her Beta: "WORMTAIL IS ONE!"
"Knew it!" Rabastan celebrated while the others gaped in horror.
The UPS Muggle was next. "I have a delivery for a Mr. S. Snape."
"SNAPE IS NUMBER TWO!"
Dolohov began cackling manically.
"This should be good," Rowle smirked evilly.
"I think we should lock up some of the antiques," Rookwood commented, shaking his head.
"Never mind the antiques, we need to check the windows," Reed shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.
The first Amazon Muggle continued. "I have a delivery for a Mr. Mupples."
"MR. MUPPLES IS TARGET NUMBER THREE!" Beynon announced immediately.
"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Rodolphus wailed while Rabastan began splitting his sides laughing.
Dolohov continued to cackle maniacally. "The brat actually did it! He did it! This is going to be good! Hehehehehehehehehehe hahahahahahaha!"
"OK I will never think that this boy has a shred of sanity left," Reed decided.
"You thought he had sanity left?!" Rowle could barely believe his ears. "Really? You should know that the kid has lost his mind the moment he decided to send us all pizzas!"
"No, I thought he was mad the moment he decided to send a bunch of ugly toys," Reed countered, smirking. "But now he is pranking one of the toys he sent in the first place, which is a whole new level of insane."
Then came the announcement of the final target.
"RABASTAN IS TARGET NUMBER FOUR!"
That had made the youngest Lestrange recover within five seconds while the others started to laugh at his expense. Rowle looked very smug and pleased with himself at this point. "I did say it would be a toss-up!"
Roden grinned down at the thoroughly confused and rather exhausted Muggles. "Ring the bell! This is going to be good."
BBBBBBRRRRRRIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!
"Where is my Firewhiskey?! Have I run out? Nooooooooo, this cannot be happening! NANSI!"
CRACK!
A young house elf appeared just as the Dark side piled into the parlour again. "Master summoned Nansi?"
"Get me more Firewhiskey – hic – won't survive otherwise – hic."
As Nansi disappeared with a POP!, Narcissa pinched the bridge of her nose as the silver orb floated over to her and an already slightly tipsy Lucius, who as it turns out started pre-emptively drinking around the same time as some of the werewolves starte playing some of the video games on the TV set.
Macnair was cackling away at the state of the usual uppity Lord Malfoy. "Lucy's turning into a common drunk. If Potter knew he would be sending cake and balloons!"
"Pity we can't tell him," Mulciber agreed, smirking evilly.
"Don't you – hic – dare!" Lucius tried to sound as threatening as possible but was admittedly failing rather miserably.
CRACK!
"Nansi is back with Firewhiskey, Master!" the young elf was carrying four bottles in her arms, looking very pleased with herself.
"Good – hic – put them on the table – hic – go away!" Lucius ordered.
Nansi did as she was told and was gone within two seconds as her Master popped open another bottle and poured himself yet another glass. Narcissa was really not happy about this, however she knew she would have to deal with her husband later.
"Excuse us?!"
Ah, four Muggles to deal with. Yippee! Narcissa thought to herself derisively, making sure that she wasn't looking in the Dark Lord's direction as she did so. Lady Malfoy steeled herself and answered. "Yes? Which of my guests have received mail this time?" she asked as regally as she could.
The listing of the targets began.
"I have a delivery for a Mr. Wormtail!"
There was a moment of stunned silence amongst the wizards and the werewolves; no one had seen that coming. Voldemort blinked a total of ten times, which was the Dark Lord variant of gaping.
*WORMTAIL?!* Nagini and Thalia were the only ones able to voice their absolute shock.
*Why does that flea-ridden soup slurper get presents?* Thalia sniffed indignantly. *He is not fit to get the skin from our shedding let alone presents!*
"Wow, I didn't see that coming," Avery Senior was the first to find the ability to speak again.
"This can't be good, though," Snape was the second to speak. "The boy hates Wormtail with a passion."
"Mr. Mupples agrees with Severus. Yes, Mr. Mupples, the filthy rat is going to not like his present at all, I am very certain you're right! Hehehehehehehehehehe," Bellatrix cackled gleefully. Mr. Mupples seemed to be doing a little jig of excitement.
The second Muggle spoke. "I have a delivery for a Mr. S. Snape!"
Not again! Severus Snape deflated in seconds, hanging his head while the rest of the Death Eaters and werewolves once more starting laughing at his expense. I cannot wait until I can get my revenge on this impudent brat! Just like his stupid, strutting father!
"How much do you want to bet that the boy has sent Sevvy one hundred brushes?" Macnair asked Mulciber and Avery Senior, grinning maliciously. "One hundred for his hair and one hundred for his teeth! Hahahahahaha!"
"Call me Sevvy one more time, Walden, and your nightmares will start becoming real," Snape snarled.
"Awwwww, Mr. Scrooge doesn't like the fact he is getting pwesents," a few of the young werewolves mocked.
"Pity the Ghosts would not visit him out of fear for being hexed!" one of the older werewolves, Hannah, joked.
The third Muggle announced for whom they were delivering. "I have a delivery here for a Mr. Mupples!"
"NO WAY!" the Death Eaters chorused.
Voldemort paled.
Lucius finished his glass of Firewhiskey and poured another.
"I knew it!" Blaise, Gregory and Vincent cheered. The Death Eater children had all been taking bets if Bellatrix was just bonkers – well, that was already a given but just more bonkers than usual – or if there was some actual truth to Mr. Mupples' 'intuition'.
Bellatrix was jumping up and down giddily. "You get presents, Mr. Mupples! You were right. What do you think the boy sent – what is that, Mr. Mupples? You want to play a game? We can do that after you opened your presents! … Why are you angry at me? What am I not understanding? Mr. Mupples, don't ignore meeeeeee!"
Then the fourth Muggle added, "I have a delivery for a Mr. Rabastan Lestrange!"
"Of course Basti gets another set!" Travers laughed.
"And of course the Brat is not going to send Rabastan something ridiculous like a glitter box filled with balls," Yaxley scowled.
Macnair smirked. "Corban, just because those balls were not the kind you like-"
"SHUT UP, WALDEN!"
"Corban, what did we say about your rashes?" Snape chuckled meanly.
"I wonder what Rabastan is getting this time," Avery Junior wondered out loud.
"I am willing to bet it will be just a bunch of cooking books," Jugson replied. "Somehow I think Potter knows that Basti loves making smoothies."
"But that would be something Rabastan actually wants!" Amycus pointed out. "I am willing to bet it will just be another obscure Muggle contraption that only Snape will know what to make of and then we will have to suffer seeing Rabastan use the damn thing."
"You don't exactly complain about Rabastan's smoothies, Amy," Mulciber raised an eyebrow.
"Stop calling me Amy!"
"I'll stop calling you that once it stops being funny!"
"Which is never," Macnair added with a nasty chuckle.
Voldemort, who at every point was waiting for Thalia to start punning again but was quietly happy that she was showing some level of self-restraint, turned to Travers. "Ssssummon Wormtail here immediately!"
Travers didn't need to be told twice and bolted from the room as Narcissa reluctantly let the Muggles onto the Malfoy property. Several of the Death Eaters remarked that all three different van types had showed up again and were laughing at Roden, Beynon and Holland chasing the vans all the way up the drive way.
As the vans were being unloaded again – Wormtail and Rabastan had a myriad of boxes while Snape and Mr. Mupples had one or ten – and the lower ranked guards came outside to cart them inside, with some really weird looks from the two Amazon Muggles who were clearly new to this nonsense, Travers returned with a very jittery and anxious Wormtail in tow.
"W-w-w-what i-i-is it, m-m-my L-Lord?" Wormtail asked, visibly shaking with fright, causing many in the room to sneer at him.
Thalia had a look of disgust. *Eeeew, you can smell the fear from here.*
*I have never been so glad that we are not allowed to eat him,* Nagini agreed.
*When Tom changes his mind, we can always pretend to be allergic to him,* Thalia suggested. She lit up. *Hey Nagini, what do you call a rat with allergies?*
*No idea, Thalia, tell me!*
*Rat a-choo-ile!*
Voldemort groaned at this and glowered at his least favourite servant. "It would appear that Harry Potter hasss ssseen fit to ssssend you presssentssss," he hissed, eyes glowing red. "You will open them or you will sssuffer the conssssequencessss."
Nagini tittered. *It seems that Wormtail could not put two and two together after all this time.*
*You're expecting a rat to be clever,* Thalia pointed out. She lit up again. *Hey Nagini, speaking of maths and rats, what do you call four rats on a mathematical equation?*
*No idea, Thalia!*
*A quad-rat-ic equation!*
*Wow,* was all Voldemort had the energy to comment.
Yeah that one was bad, Harry's manic giggling was back in the Dark Lord's head.
At this point, Reed, Roden, Beynon and Holland returned, followed by Rabastan, who was carrying one of his own boxes, Rodolphus, carrying in Snape's box, Dolohov, who was bringing in a box for Mr. Mupples and Rookwood, who was carrying Wormtail's very carefully because there was something moving in his!
Rookwood placed the box in front of Wormtail quickly, stepping away from the box as though it were about to explode. Wormtail didn't dare to take a step closer to it, eyeing the thing unblinkingly as it began to move again slightly and squeaking could be heard from inside – the box had holes in it so there was clearly something live in it!
"More rats, do you think?" Avery Senior guessed with a smirk.
"Nononononononononononono," Narcissa started praying for mercy.
There went another glass of Firewhiskey down Lucius's gullet.
*Guess we don't need to sell Snape to the fairies after all,* Thalia quipped while Nagini chuckled.
Voldemort smirked slightly. "Wormtail … open the box!"
Wormtail audibly gulped. He took a few tentative steps towards it, praying to Merlin it wasn't anything too horrible.
"Meeeew!"
Everyone froze and soon all eyes went straight to the box in front of Wormtail. Wormtail froze mid step, barely daring to even breathe. Nagini and Thalia decided to investigate for themselves.
*Fear not, everyone, Detective Thalia and Detective Nagini are on the case!* Thalia announced as she and Nagini flicked out their tongues towards the holes of the box to see if they could capture the scent of the creature inside.
*Odd,* Nagini stated after six tongue flicks. *That is definitely not the taste of rat.*
*No, it isn't,* Thalia agreed. *It tastes a little bit like that sock belonging to one of the witch hatchlings.*
"Meeew, meeew!"
The snakes jumped back a little when the box started to move again and the occupants – yes, multiple – started making noise again; it was like the creatures were complaining, almost.
*Yep, definitely not rat,* Thalia concluded.
Indeed, it was actually Daphne Greengrass who was the first to realise what was inside the box. "Morgana and Morgause, I think there are kittens in there!" she stated, her hands flying to her mouth.
Wormtail turned a very sickly green at this stage and, knowing that the Dark Lord was going to insist that the box be opened, carefully started lifting the flaps of the box open. Indeed, nestled in several blankets with toys and water and food dispensers, was a litter of kittens of different colours and types. The Greengrass girl had hit the nail right on the head.
No sooner had the box been opened did several lower rank Death Eaters rush in.
"My Lord, my Lord, there are five boxes of kittens in the entrance hall!" they chorused, all utterly in a panic.
Thalia started chuckling. *Wormtail got gifted a meow-tain!*
They already had falcon chicks to look after; who in damnation was going to look after the kittens?
Voldemort exhaled dramatically and once more wished that he had an actual nose that he could pinch the bridge of. Dolohov, however, could not resist having a look at the kittens and he lit up as he picked up one of the rather rugged and slightly ugly ones. "Awwww, this one has such a lovely scowl. It's so cuuuuute! Don't you think, Wormtail?"
Dolohov held the harmless little creature out to the Rat Animagus, but, much to everyone's disgust and amusement, he promptly fainted out of utter complete fear, knocking himself out.
"Useless," one of the werewolves commented, eliciting a nod of affirmation from many people.
*OK, so we do have to find a way to sell Snape to the fairies,* Thalia huffed. *What a cat-astrophy!*
Dolohov pouted and looked to the kitten. "Don't worry, little one, I think you're very cute. Now, what shall we call you? Wait, I know – we will call you Tsar! Yes, I think that is very fitting for you."
Macnair snorted. "More like Rasputin considering it's so ugly."
The Russian Death Eater growled at this friend. "Do not be mean to Tsar!"
It was at this point that Voldemort heard the manic, evil laughter of the Boy-Who-Clearly-Witnessed-Wormtail-Fainting. Making him cry was the goal, but this is even better! I never thought Big D's friends could come in handy!
Voldemort snorted. I hate to say this, brat, but well done.
Thank you, Voldie!
There is no need to sound so smug!
There is every need – you just gave me a compliment willingly. I think old age is making you senile.
YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Oh good, you're still shouty. Yep, not so senile after all.
And once more, Harry was gone.
It was Bellatrix who brought everyone back to the situation at hand. "Mr. Mupples, you have to wait your turn! It is not your turn yet – yes, I know Wormtail is on the floor, I have eyes. Mr. Mupples, we do not have our Lord's permission-"
"Bella, let Mr. Mupplesss open the box," Voldemort wished that the ground would swallow him whole at this point.
The mad witch dissected her plushie monster's box in seconds, and opened the flaps of the box. Bellatrix quickly scowled in confusion and started lifting out brightly coloured box after brightly coloured box. Monopoly, Scrabble, Battleship, Risk, Cluedo – all of these names made no sense to her what so ever.
However, judging by the fact that Snape had his head in his hands, the Potions Master knew exactly what they were.
That boy is trying to get someone killed, if not himself, the double agent grumbled to himself.
"Snape, please explain?" Jugson asked, head tilted slightly in confusion at the boxes.
"They are board games, Muggle board games," Snape clarified. "Ones that have been banned in certain households because they have the propensity of setting brother against brother, mother against child."
"So Mr. Mupples was correct!" some of the young werewolves cheered. "Well done, Mr. Mupples!"
"Bloody hell," Rodolphus grumbled sulkily.
"Oh this is what you meant with playing a game!" Bellatrix giggled manically. "I think we should indeed play a game, Mr. Mupples. Which one first – Scrabble? Why that one – Mr. Mupples, that is rude!"
Unfortunately for Snape, Voldemort turned his attention onto him next. "Ssseverusss, open your box!"
That officially makes two hundred detentions, Snape vowed as he used the Cutting Charm on the tape on the box and with a resigned sigh opened the parcel and looked inside. Almost as soon as he saw what was inside, Severus Snape felt a desire to hex and curse the Potter boy black and blue.
"HARRY POTTERRRRRRR!" the usually dower and quiet man exploded, taking many of the werewolves not used to hearing him shout in such a manner by surprise.
Thirty cracks appeared in the window and the mirror in the parlour once more suffered cracks too.
"Uncle Severus … what is it?" Draco dared to ask.
Steam practically coming out of the Potions Master's ears, the man lifted the blue box with different shapes and two young people working on something – entitled CHEMISTRY ACTION – out of the box alongside another of those stupid remotes for the TV. A remote, and no TV; it was like the Brat was asking to have no free time during his new school year.
"Erm … I'm confused," Rabastan announced.
The werewolves started chuckling.
"It would appear that Potter has sent Mr. Snape a chemistry set – for kids," Reed clarified.
That killed most of the Inner Circle in seconds.
Snape felt a vein in his head begin to thrum. He could not wait to get revenge on this hell beast that was the son of Lily and the spawn of James Potter. As a result of his frustration, the Potions Master slammed both of his so-called presents down onto the table in front of him. But as he did so, the remote landed on its front.
"YOU BUNGLING OAF!"
No one in the room dared to move or even breathe. All eyes carefully turned towards the table; that voice was not one any of them recognised and it had seemingly come out of nowhere. Thalia and Nagini once more decided to investigate this new mystery on the humans' and werewolves' behalf.
*A second case for Detectives Nagini and Thalia,* the young ball python stated as she and her friend slithered up the table towards the remote and the box. *Nagini, you check the box and I will check this silly electric wand thingy.*
*It is a remote, Thalia,* Nagini reminded her gently.
*A remote. So it will definitely get along with Snape then! Hahahahaha! Anyway, let's see,* Thalia turned her attention to the job at hand and she gently turned the remote around with her tail and flicked her tongue at the buttons. *It smells funky – like it has been surrounded by old stuff, dust, manure and garden gnomes.*
*Do you hear anything?* Nagini asked.
*Nope, nothing. You?*
*Also nothing. Maybe the voice has gone to sleep?* Nagini suggested.
*I doubt it. Hey Nagini, have you ever wondered where TVs go on holiday?*
Voldemort already began counting to twenty in Parseltongue in his head at this point.
*Erm … no. Where do they go?*
*To remote islands! Hahahahaha!*
*That was cheap, Thalia,* Voldemort sighed.
*Not as cheap as your excuses not to get a mate, Tom,* Thalia quipped back easily.
It was at this point that Thalia accidentally pressed a button on the remote with her tail. No sooner had she done that that same pissy voice sounded, "WHY ARE YOU SO UGLY?!"
Thalia pouted. *I am NOT ugly!* The young snake rounded on the remote. *I think I know why you are so grumpy. Your TV didn't want you, did it? Maybe it was because you were too mean and controlling!*
Thalia's tail hit another button.
"YOU ARE A LAZY SHIT!"
Nagini hissed irately at the remote. *How dare you insult Thalia without good reason!*
*Thalia insults others for no good reason,* Voldemort pointed out.
*Shut up, Tom!*
Rabastan was meanwhile dying of laughter. "Merlin … Morgana … Potter has sent Snape a remote that insults people … Hehehehehehehehehehe!"
"Yes, Mr. Mupples, this is one of the funniest things in a long while. Yes, Mr. Mupples, the remote is very fitting for dear Severus! No, Mr. Mupples, it is still a filthy Muggle thing – it does not run on magic yet."
Dolohov was recovering. "I am betting Sevvy is going to love that remote almost as much as Bella loves Mr. Mupples."
Macnair, who was also on the verge of recovering, snorted even more at that. Rowle, Mulciber and Avery Senior too cracked a rib. The werewolves had to see themselves out because of how much they were howling and they were disturbing the kittens.
"Do not call me Sevvy!" Snape snapped.
"Rabasssstan, the final box, if you pleassse!" Voldemort ordered.
The youngest Lestrange recovered quickly and opened his box eagerly. He peered in and lit up, and promptly began unpacking CD cases. Music CDs; immediately, Draco and his friends came over to see what kind of music Potter had decided to send over. There were names like Dead Can Dance, NWA, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dog, Ice Cube, Eazy-E, Ice-T, Run DMC, Wu Tang Clan, Biggie Smalls, The Chemical Brothers, Green Day, The Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Alice in Chains.
"Oh boy," Blaise remarked as he looked at the pile of different albums.
"This should be interesting," Daphne stated, shaking her head at the NWA one. "I have a feeling that we should not say this band's name out loud in polite society."
"I think we shouldn't even entertain listening to it!" Pansy protested. "I mean, look at the state of some of them!"
"You kids are all so judgemental," Rabastan rolled his eyes. "You never know if the music is actually good."
"YOU SUCK!" the remote seemed to agree with Rabastan. "YOU HAVE NO TASTE!"
Thalia giggled. She was about to press the remote again when Snape decided to confiscate his remote from the young snake when he saw the Dark Lord's eyes flash ruby dangerously.
"Give me this weird, trippy shit," Vincent responded, picking up one of the Dead Can Dance albums.
Avery Senior began chuckling. "I think we may be losing the children to their music again ,everyone."
"Who wants to play a game of Scrabble with Mr. Mupples?" Bellatrix asked.
"MEEEEEE!" came several cries from the excited young werewolves.
"Not me! I have a video game to finish!"
"I want to play more footie!"
"Me too!"
Cue the sound of more distressed Lucius noises and the downing of yet another glass of Firewhiskey.
Narcissa's eyes flashed dangerously. "I cannot wait to get my own back against this boy!"
"How?" Rodolphus wanted to know. "Hogwarts' wards are practically impenetrable."
An evil glint appeared in Lady Malfoy's eyes. "I have my ways, dear Rodolphus. By the time I am finished with the boy, he will only ever make proper fashion choices when he decides to prank me again!"
"Oh dear," came the collective comment from Fenrir, Reed, the Averys, Mulciber, Rookwood and Amycus Carrow.
As for Voldemort, he almost felt sorry for the Boy-Who-Was-Going-To-Regret-Sending-Narcissa-Clothes-As-A-Prank.
Almost.
#####################################################
"OK, so your world is officially completely fucked up," Dudley commented.
Harry, who still had sunshine yellow hair due to the Charm Hermione had flung at his head a couple of hours back as revenge for the prank he and the twins had done, had just spent the last hour and a bit explaining to his Council of Pranks the truth to Sirius Black not being the traitor of the Potter family and the murderer of around twelve or thirteen Muggles but that he was framed by a former friend Peter Pettigrew, who helped to resurrect Voldemort from the dead. The Boy-Who-Knew-That-His-Life-Would-Never-Be-Normal-Somehow genuinely feared that Colin, Dennis and perhaps Justin had fainted out of sheer shock but was rather relieved when there was a barrage of questions he had to answer.
His cousin had been rather short and blunt with his own thoughts on the matter.
"True," Ron agreed with a short laugh.
"Did any of you hear the shouting that sounds like Professor Snape, by the way, because I didn't hear anything?" Dean broke in, sounding a little anxious.
"I heard nothing either," Justin reassured.
"Nothing here!" Colin and Dennis added.
"Yeah, we didn't hear anything either," Ginny informed. "I don't think we managed to piss him off all that much."
"Rabastan must have been happy with his, and I have no idea how Mr. Mupples being targeted didn't make that husband of Bellatrix's jealous," Ron huffed.
"I will ask Voldie on the status of Rodolphus later," the Boy-Who-Was-Likely-To-End-Up-In-The-Janus-Thickney-Ward-Sooner-Or-Later stated.
"So this one was a bit of a bust," Dudley translated. "So let's see if we can get a better reaction from the next one. Who are we targeting?"
"And make this one good, guys," Hermione added. "This will be the last one we will be able to do until the start of Hogwarts, thank Merlin. Molly and Arthur are going to take us to London to get the books for school and apparently we are going to Grimmauld Place where the Order can keep an eye on a CERTAIN SOMEONE!"
Harry giggled evilly, not caring in the slightest.
"Yeah well with Ollivander's kidnap everyone is a bit on edge," Ginny remarked. "I wonder where the first years will get their wands from this year."
"Oh please there are at least two other wand makers in some of the other alleys. They'll be fine," Ron snorted.
"I got a suggestion from Piers for your werewolf friends," Dudley decided to contribute first. He had originally wanted the others to go first but then they got distracted again.
"Oh?" he had his evil cousin's attention in an instant.
"Yeah. You know how cats and dogs like laser pointers? How about we buy a bunch of them and send them to the werewolves' Beta? He hasn't gotten a gift yet, did he?" Dudley was clearly smirking, judging by the tone of his voice.
"He's talking about Reed, right?" Fred clarified.
"Yep," the Boy-Who-Was-Getting-Way-Too-Many-Good-Targets confirmed happily. "Dud, make the order! Next!"
"Shall we try and give those werewolves and Death Eater kids a fright?" George suggested. "Are there are any movies that could scare someone silly?"
"Errr yeah there is a whole genre for it!" Colin informed excitedly. "Horror movies are classic. There are some good ones, and then there are ones that are so stupid they border on comedy."
"Yes, but our Slytherin friends would not know that," Justin pointed out. "They might genuinely get the heebies-jeebies and get sleepless nights!"
"We have to make sure not to send any old tripe though," Dudley added. "I was thinking maybe also sending some rat based movies and An American Werewolf to see if those wolves either laugh, cry or howl."
"I think it might make them laugh more than anything else but we can give a try, especially if it pisses off Fenrir," Harry cackled.
"So for the horror and slasher movies, I was thinking Nightmare on Elm Street," Dean put in.
"Halloween should definitely be included as well," Dennis added.
"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" Justin sounded way too happy about that one for Hermione's liking specifically.
"OK, I have no idea what you guys are talking about but I have a feeling all of them could do the trick," Ron laughed.
"So, who do we send it to?" Dudley asked eagerly.
"Well we want-"
"-to make that grumpy alpha-"
"-lose it, so send it to-"
"- Mr. F. Greyback!" the twins suggested.
"Definitely! So Reed, Fenrir – I think Lucius should also be next because I saw him downing an entire bottle of Firewhiskey!" the son of Prongs was practically dancing at this point.
Ron lit up. "Really? Lucius Malfoy is turning into a drunk?"
"Yep!"
"Wait, the dad of your rival who is a total pansy despite being released from prison?" Dudley remembered what Harry had told him.
"Correct," the twins confirmed.
"I have always wanted to suggest this: a spa kit!" Ginny's eyes were sparkling at this point. "I was going to save it for dear old Draco but I think Mr. Malfoy should get some payback designed by me for putting that stupid diary into my cauldron!"
"Excellent notion," Justin concurred. He had wanted revenge for himself for being petrified due to that stupid Basilisk.
"Hey Harry … Forge and I might have experimented on a rainbow wig for You-Know-Who- with a semi-permanent Sticking Charm as part of our new collection-"
"Done! We have four targets!" Harry cackled.
"Do you think Voldemort will actually wear it?" Dudley asked eagerly.
"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!"
Dudley huffed. "Jeez, keep your wigs on."
The verdant eyes of the Boy-Who-Could-Not-Wait-To-Start-Drawing-Voldemort-With-A-Rainbow-Wig-And-Sending-It-To-The-Daily-Prophet gleamed sadistically. "If I have to wager, I think Nagini and Thalia will make sure he will."
Meanwhile, Voldemort was not liking the fact that his Harry Senses were ringing again. Unfortunately, the Brat had sealed the Link. That was not good at all!
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Whooohooo this one was fun to write! I cannot wait to see how many people cry because of Monopoly! Hahahahahaha! I am so sorry it took so long – I have been ill and I kinda lost my job so things have been chaotic.
I really want to thank the reviewer named Lena for her board games ideas, and I want to thank the anonymous reviewer in advance for their rainbow wig with sticking charm and laser pointer ideas. I also wish to thank the reviewer who wrote a practical essay of ideas which I really love! You guys are amazing and so wonderfully evil; keep the ideas coming because they make my day each and every time!
As usual, I don't own any of the franchises in this fanfic – I am just having a whole lot of fun with them.
See you in the next one!
Kingmaker'sUmbreon