Chapter 3-I Can't Be Who You Are
Earlier last night…
Mikey walked carefully through the forest to avoid stepping on any leaves or sticks and making a noise that could wake up the nocturnal animals living in the forest, including those that might pose a danger to him.
During this time, he had taken his portable music player out of his bag and started listening to one of his favourite songs whilst he walked.
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no-one would listen
'Cause no-one else cared
As he walked, Mikey begun to imagine what the others might be feeling as soon as they find him missing tomorrow; his friends and family would be shocked at first before they would become relieved and happy at the thought of him no longer being around them.
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?
'What am I leaving in this world, really?' Mikey thought, his mind full of doubt as he reflected on his past actions.
So if you're asking me, I want you to know
When my time comes,
Forget the wrong that I've done,
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
'I hope they don't forget me if I do die out here…Surely I did some good for them…' He then thought in fear with tears developing in his eyes.
Mikey tried to remember the times where he did something good for his friends and family, but due to too much negativity from his past mistakes, he was finding it hard to find any.
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
Soon, Mikey arrived at an opening. What he saw in front of him surprised him; there was a huge lake that had a sparkling reflection of the full moon showing on its surface.
Mikey was glad that he had taken his sketchbook with him when he left. He needed something to express his inner feelings, as well as sketch the things that surrounded him such as the trees and the wildlife of the forest.
He opened his sketchbook onto a fresh page and started drawing with a pencil first.
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
After hearing those lyrics, Mikey stopped drawing in thought for a moment.
He knew all his life that he wasn't always perfect as a ninja, but he also remembered that his older brothers also made mistakes themselves growing up; Leo would sometimes sneak out of the lair on his own to do a solo mission despite Master Splinter's protests, Raph would let his anger take over and threaten his own brothers or smash things up in the lair, and Donnie would invent something that would explode or not work after switching it on.
Yet, it was always Mikey who would get the harsher punishments, and the young turtle just didn't know why. One theory could be that, despite being the same age as his brothers, he was youngest and still needed to learn about humility and self-discipline because he was still a child-at-heart.
So if you're asking me, I want you to know
When my time comes,
Forget the wrong that I've done,
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Mikey leaned his head against the rock as his emotional turmoil, which he had contained within him for so long, had begun to build up and be close to going out of control.
Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learnt to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from my self
I can't be who you are
Soon, it got to a stage where he could no longer contain his emotions any longer. He got up and grabbed a long thick stick that was close by before he started whacking it on the large rock and grass-covered ground in a raging frenzy.
When my time comes,
Forget the wrong that I've done,
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Now breathless and exhausted from both his walk and emotional release, Mikey walked over to the large rock near the lake, got out his blanket and pillow from his bag, and settled himself down for the night.
Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learnt to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from my self
I can't be who you are
"I-I can't be who you are…" Mikey finished the song tearfully before he turned off his music player and put it back in his bag. He then curled himself up more, wrapped himself up with his blanket, and leaned on his side against the rock with the pillow under his head.
The reason for the tears was because the last sentence in the song reminded him of what he said to Leo in their argument during their earlier training session.
"I can't do the things you do cos I'm not the same as you! We're all different, Leo! In other words; I'm NOT you or anyone else! I am ME! You gotta accept that and deal with it!"
Those words were proof that he had tried his best to get through to Leo back then, but the blue-banded turtle was so angry that he kept being in denial and ignored his youngest brother's words because he only believed that he himself was always right and Mikey was not.
"W-Well...I don't have to worry about being scolded for doing things wrongs now...t-this will be my home from now on…I-I have no place in the Hamato family anymore…" He then said in a heartbroken tone before he sobbed in his crossed arms until he slowly fell asleep.
/
Author's notes:
This chapter includes the lyrics from the song 'Leave out all the rest' by Linkin Park. I chose the song because I thought that it suited the way Mikey was feeling and thinking about during his walk in the forest. I do not own Linkin Park, and the song belongs to the band and music producers involved in the making of it.
R.I.P Chester Bennington (1976-2017), we all miss you :.(