He's not entirely sure how to feel when he learns that April isn't at work today.
Its not like her to call in sick - if anything, she's always the one offering to pick up extra shifts and cover for anyone who needs it, even if it means dealing with sleep deprivation and having very little free time to herself. She's the one who throws herself into work if she's feeling off as a means of coping, unless she really is too ill to function and has no choice. She'd never put her patients at risk if that was the case.
Jackson can't help but sport a case of serious angry-face when he sits down at lunch, debating as to whether or not he actually feels like eating anything. All he can think about is April - ruminating over his decision to end things and the fact that he'd gone from planning his entire future to nothing in a matter of seconds. Meredith takes a seat at the same table, quirking an eyebrow at him.
"Is this about April? Or the baby?" She asks curiously, although she knows that Jackson isn't always one to want to talk about his feelings.
"There is no baby," He replies rather abruptly, "She...we...we're not doing this anymore."
"And you're pissed about that?"
"Of course I'm pissed about it. She thought she was pregnant, I proposed because I wanted to and not just because it seemed like the right thing to do, and then she was so damn happy to not be pregnant and not be disappointing Jesus again," Jackson pauses for a moment to let out a sigh, needing to free some of the tension in his jaw, "So I told her we should probably stop doing this, and now she's...avoiding me I guess. Or maybe she really is sick, I don't know."
Meredith stares at him for a long moment, causing him to raise an eyebrow at her in confusion. It's only when her hand moves to smack him around the head that he snaps out of it.
"Ow! What the hell was that for?!"
"For being an idiot, thats what."
Jackson just looks at her, still somewhat gobsmacked and confused, and ready to debate over the many reasons he's not an idiot, before she interrupts the silence.
"Jackson, she lost her virginity to you, and you went from offering her everything she's probably ever wanted to basically breaking up with her in the span of 24 hours. Of course she's going to be upset, and knowing Kepner, she's probably spinning out over it...or you know, praying to Jesus and asking for forgiveness or whatever."
He lets Meredith's statement sink in and suddenly feels bad. Did April see it as a break up? Had she meant to react the way she did, or was it just another moment where her mouth seemed to moved faster than her brain did, and she started seeing eight sides of a situation? Was he really that bad of a friend? Could he have at least given her an explanation as to why he needed to end things?
"Look, I'm not saying you're wrong if you really want to break things off with her. Sex without establishing what you are to one another? That can be messy. Trust me, I know, but at least talk to her. She's still your person, right?"
She's right. He hates that she's right.
He nods slightly, finally feeling decent enough to take a few bites of his sandwich. When he spots Cristina and Alex making their way over to the table, he knows he needs to leave before they start making fun of the situation. Alex already knows about the pregnancy-that-never-was, and knowing Meredith, Cristina probably does too.
"So not-so-virgin-Mary called in sick today, huh? You wouldn't happen to know what thats about, would ya?" Cristina asks curiously, chin rest on her hand as if eager for gossip.
"Nope. I'm outta here," He mumbles, abruptly grabbing his tray and disposing of the waste. He hears Cristina yell something about him not being any fun, causing his to roll his eyes as he leaves. Just a few more hours until he can see April, and clear their mess up once and for all.
There's an incessant knocking on the door that wakes April from her slumber, and she feels a little ashamed when she realises she fell asleep on the sofa, half-melted tub of Ben & Jerry's on coffee table in front of her. Is this what rock bottom looks like?
A groan escapes her lips, "Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming!" She's not even expecting any visitors, given that everyone at work thinks she's come down with the flu, so when she makes her way to the front door and sees Jackson standing there, her eyes widen. Suddenly, she feels very aware of her rather dishevelled appearance, whilst also struggling to deal with the mixture of anger and hurt that seem to be bubbling inside of her.
"What are you doing here?" She squeaks, wiping the corner of her mouth incase any remnants of chocolate or ice cream remain there.
"You didn't come to work today. I was...worried," Jackson responds, "Can I...can I come in? Can we talk?"
"There's nothing to talk about...I feel like you already made yourself pretty clear yesterday," April shrugs, avoiding his gaze.
"April...please?"
She looks up at him, seeing the hurt expression on his face, and finally moves to the side slightly, motioning for him to come in before closing the door behind her. Once again, she feels embarrassed about the state of her apartment, and quickly moves to dispose of the melting ice cream carton before straightening her throw pillows. Jackson figures its best to not comment on it - he can already tell its out of character for her, and can't help but feel a little guilty that thats what she's been doing all day.
Taking a seat on the couch, she motions for Jackson to sit somewhere, awkwardly placing her hands in her lap. It's hard to feel comfortable when she's not really sure where this conversation is going to go, or what the point of it even is anymore. He didn't want her now, so she had to find a way to just be his friend, but at the same time...she wasn't sure that there was any way of going back to the way things used to be. It was too complicated now.
"I'm sorry," Jackson begins, pausing for a moment as he went over what he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it in his head. He wasn't good at this, and he didn't want to make things worse than they already felt. "When you found out that you weren't pregnant...you were so happy. It felt as though you didn't want to be with me - like you just wanted things to go back to the way before, with us sleeping together and you freaking out about it afterwards. It made me feel...I don't know...used? and kind of pissed, to be honest. I'd already told you I had feelings for you at that point, and I didn't want things to be one sided. It was too hard, which was why I said that we should just stop. I guess I didn't think you'd be upset about it, which was stupid of me."
April looks at him intently as he talks, trying hard to refrain from being impulsive and speaking without thinking first for a change. "Jackson, I was happy to not be pregnant because we weren't ready...and I didn't want you to just marry me out of obligation, you know? This isn't the stone ages...but I didn't want things to completely go back to the way they were before, either. Not really. I know that it wasn't healthy and that I hurt you by freaking out so much, but when you proposed...I don't know...it felt like us having sex was okay almost. Like yeah, okay, I had sex before marriage, but the fact that it was you and that you could end up being my husband at some point? I could be okay with that, because it just meant that I did things a little out of order, thats all." She pauses for a moment, trying hard to stifle a laugh at his thought that she wouldn't be upset about his decision to stop things. She rubs her temple slightly, before trying to make eye contact with him, "Do you wanna know why I slept with you in San Francisco?"
Jackson looks at her for a moment, "Uh...because you punched a guy? Because you were freaking out over your boards and needed a distraction? Because I look really good in a hoodie?"
She snorts in response, "No, none of those things. It was something Bailey said to me ages ago, remember when I tried to sleep with Alex?" Jackson frowns, remembering that evening all too well. Sometimes he still likes to remind Alex of it. "She told me to find a nice boy. A kind boy. Someone I like so much that I wanna superglue myself to them. Then she started going on about Ben and how I'd find a Ben, but not her Ben...anyway, I think that day, I realised that person was you. That I wanted it to be you."
"Okay..." Jackson manages, not entirely sure what to say, still taken aback.
April bites her lip, suddenly feeling very self-conscious, "I do have feelings for you, Jackson. I'm sorry that I didn't make it clear...I just...it was all so confusing, you know? Trying to differentiate what I felt for you as a friend vs what I felt for you as a...person I was sleeping with vs my guilt over breaking my promise, and it wasn't fair to put that part on you, I know that." She looks down at her hands again, "I get it, though, if you don't want to be with me still. I know I'm neurotic and insecure, and we believe in different things, and I'm not pregnant so going from a pseudo-engagement to just dating might be kind of weird but...I don't know how to be just friends with you now." She looks up again, and he sees a glimpse of his awkward best friend again when she adds quietly, "I mean, we've seen each other naked. You can't unsee that."
He smirks, looking at her softly and moving closer to her, taking one of her hands in his and attempting to distill some of the awkwardness by saying, "Did you like what you saw?"
She swats him lightly with her free hand, and he chuckles, before saying, "I do...I do want to make this work, Apes. As long as you're serious and you're not going to freak out on me, then we can do this. Maybe take things slow, and date the right way. I don't want us to keep hurting one another, and I can't imagine you not being in my life."
"You really mean that?" April beams, her eyes threatening to glaze over with waterworks.
"Of course I do. You're my best friend."
"Okay. I, uhm, I think taking things slow is probably a good idea, though. I just...don't want things to get all muddled like they were before. Are you really okay with that?"
He nods in response, and she leans in slowly, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. They still had a lot to figure out, but it was a start, and they were in a much better place than they were in before. At least now, she could actually say they were together, without any of the shame and embarrassment that came from everybody knowing her business. He could be with her knowing that she had real feelings for him, too, and could go forward knowing that she felt secure in herself now.
"Do you...I don't know...maybe want to stay for a while? We could order Chinese?" She asks, face still close to his.
Jackson nods, pulling her into his side for a moment and kissing her temple, "I think I can manage that, yeah."