9x19. April breaks up with Matthew before he can say he loves her.
She has to break up with him.
She doesn't want to hurt him - poor, sweet, currently injured, in-love-with-Jesus Matthew, but seeing Elyse and her husband and their baby...it changes things. Their love feels so fated - so destined to be, and she's just not sure she feels that way about Matthew...but Jackson? What if Jackson is her Vince? What if they were the ones who were meant to be, and the universe has been giving her signs all along? Maybe that's why she was supposed to come back to Grey Sloan, twice, in the first place. It can't be a coincidence, right, that they kept falling back into one another? That she'd chosen him in the first place? It had to mean something.
It's the loss of Elyse that hits her hard, and cements the impending break up in her mind. Jackson is the one to comfort her - as he always does, and for a moment when they're staring at one another, eyes glancing to one another's lips, she thinks she might kiss him, until Alex interrupts and reminds her of her patient's family. He gets the intern to tell her husband what happened, but April knows she'll have to go find him eventually. Its the right thing to do, but for now, she needs to compose herself.
Jackson feels his jaw tighten, unsure what to say to her. He's supposed to be with Stephanie, and yet, they almost got caught up in the moment again. He's not even sure what it means, given they've been actively trying to avoid that happening ever since the wedding, and he wishes he could read her mind for once and know where she stood. April isn't exactly easy to read. He knows that he can't go back to hooking up in on call rooms and wondering where he stands with her, and he also doesn't want to hurt the intern who seems so enamoured with him (or, more accurately, with his last name). Then again, it was never supposed to be serious with her - a mere distraction to get the redhead off his mind and out of his heart, but thats easier said than done when they work in such close proximity to one another and they were once best friends.
"I...should go," April manages, wiping her eye slightly, "Thank you. For being here."
He nods, figuring he doesn't have to say much at all, and feeling somewhat grateful for that. Emotions are running too high, and they have work to be doing, "No problem."
Jackson watches as she gets up and walks off in the direction that Alex had headed in, and tries to put his thoughts to the back of his mind. Would things always feel this awkward and confusing between them? Could they ever be just friends? He wanted to believe that they could be, but he also wasn't sure that that was what he really wanted, or if he was just too stubborn and scared to admit that. After all, she had been so happy to not be pregnant - to not be eternally tied to him through another human being forever. Maybe he was better off with Stephanie after all. At least it was easy with her.
After taking her time with comforting Vince and his baby, wanting to let her know that she was there and would help anyway that he needed her to, April went to find Matthew. She could feel the anxiety bubbling in her throat, unsure how exactly she was going to tell him that she'd had a change of heart and didn't think things were going to work out between them. He was so sweet, and so perfect for her on paper...and she didn't know her metaphorical speakings of fate and destiny would go down well as a good enough reason, but it was all she could think about.
Taking a deep breath, April made her way into his room, somewhat grateful that he was awake. "I'm really sorry that I haven't been to visit you more today."
"Are you okay?"
"Do you...do you believe that God plans for two people to be together?"
"Yeah, I do."
"My patient died...her husband is left with their new baby. I just...it doesn't make any sense...why would He bring these two people together, make them fall in love, open up to one another, make them feel like they were meant to be with one another, and then just tear them apart?"
She really wishes she could just make sense of it all - like He could just tell her why and what it all means, but she also figures that some things just aren't supposed to make sense. Her and Jackson don't make sense on paper, and yet, she still feels so drawn to him. She's not even sure if he wants her, but she can't keep forcing herself to be with Matthew when she's not ready. He deserves better than that.
"April, I'm okay. I'm fine, really. I'm not going anywhere-"
"Wait, I uhm, I need to say something, and I'm really sorry, okay? I'm really sorry for what I'm about to say," She pauses, her throat feeling dry, "I...I don't think I can do this anymore. You're amazing, Matthew, really, but I think today...just kind of shook me, and made me think about things. It's nothing to do with you, like I said, you're great, but I...haven't been completely honest with you. There was someone else, before you, and I don't think I'm over it yet...and I just...I don't want to hurt you."
Matthew frowns, clearly taken aback by what she's saying. He definitely hadn't been expecting that when she started going on about fate and destiny and God. "You're...you're breaking up with me? But I thought we were doing great? I called my mother here so that she could meet you, April."
"I know, and I'm sorry. You are...you are great, but I just...am so confused and I don't think this is the best thing for me right now."
"So what, thats it? It's just over?"
April looks down at her feet, not knowing what else to say, before Matthew tells her to leave. She wants to apologise some more and make the situation better somehow, but she knows it won't help, so she does what he requested and goes back to her job.
Its a while before Jackson finds himself with a few minutes to spare, and he notices Matthew has been discharged when he's taking care of some of his charts.
"Hey, uh, did April come to see you?" He asks, noticing that Matthew is with another woman - presumably his mother, and not the tiny redheaded surgeon.
The taller man scoffs, "Yeah, to break up with me. Can you believe that? I thought that things were going great and all she could talk about was her patient dying, and how it seemed like fate had brought her and her husband together, I guess. I don't know."
Jackson raises an eyebrow, eyes wide, and his mind goes back to the conversation she'd had with him when they'd been wondering if either of their patients would wake up. She'd been so invested in the idea that they were destined to be together, and hadn't reacted when he'd mentioned that her paramedic would be fine. What did that even mean? What had she been thinking about, and why did she seem so invested?
"Oh, uh, sorry man," Jackson manages, unsure what else he can really say. He doesn't know the guy that well, and he's pretty sure that Matthew doesn't know anything about his prior relationship (if it could even be called that) with April, "Maybe I can talk to her?" He wants to slap himself for suggesting it, because a part of him is almost relieved that they've broken up, despite the fact that he has a girlfriend and that he wants April to be happy. It just seemed like the polite thing to say, thats all.
"No, it's cool, man. I don't think she's over her ex, and thats far too complicated for me. I'm heading out, anyway. See ya."
Matthew leaves with his mother, and all Jackson can do is ruminate over what he just said. Her ex? Her ex? Did that mean him? Did Matthew know more than he thought he did? He obviously didn't know that this 'ex' was Jackson, but still, she had mentioned someone to the paramedic. Did that mean she actually had feelings for him?
Jackson can't help but feel confused, and like he needs some clarity. He has to finds April, he thinks, and figure out what the hell is going on with her and why she broke up with her seemingly-perfect boyfriend, and maybe he needs to find Stephanie, too, to figure out if he wants to make the same decision.
He's not entirely sure he believes in fate, and destiny, in the way that April seems to - all he knows is that he wishes that things weren't so damn complicated.