I'm excited, and also quite nervous, to be posting chapter 19! You will get some answers in this chapter...ya'll have been waiting patiently for the truth behind Tanya. Thanks for the feedback, theories, and predictions! I love it! So far, some of you have been able to predict some events, but nobody has guessed what's coming up. I am working hard to pump out these chapters for you! Let me know your thoughts and predictions!
Inside, I nibbled on some chicken, realizing I hadn't eaten since the night everything happened. The food felt foreign in my stomach, but I continued to chew. Soon I couldn't finish another bite, and I put the rest of it away in the fridge.
I went to the spare room and pulled out a canvas and some paints. An image appeared in my head, and I began to sketch. My pencil glided over the canvas, making the basics shapes in which would be covered with paint. During the sketching process, it didn't matter if mistakes were made, the pencil marks would be concealed with paint. If mistakes were made while painting, it could be easily fixed as well. Just leave it alone and start again.
Leave it alone and start again.
I was nervous about tomorrow. I was nervous I would forgive him too easily and jump back into his arms. After the many breakups between Paul and me, I had to learn to decipher the truths among the lies. He was so good at drawing me back to him. He knew me so well, knew all of my weaknesses and used them against me. Through the emotional manipulation and abuse, I succumbed to him. Nobody knew about my struggle of finally letting go of him. Hell, this was probably the first time I was even admitting to myself the effects of everything Paul put me through. Moving to Clear Lake was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
When I had found Paul with another girl because I "wouldn't put out", I was finally enlightened. I finally understood I needed to leave Paul, escape his clutches and start again.
My virginity was the only thing I didn't give Paul. It was the only thing I kept to myself. He would pressure me to give in, but in my heart, I knew it wasn't right.
Leave it alone and start again.
Hearing Edward explain himself, I suddenly realized, would help me let go. I would find answers, even if they weren't the ones I necessarily wanted. Closure.
I still loved him, painfully so. I still ached for him. This made me the most nervous. After finally realizing my worth, or what worth I had left, after leaving Paul, I was able to get a clean break. But now, I couldn't get up and move. I had built a life here, all by myself. Despite the people who never thought I could make it.
I had decided not to mention my past relationship with Paul to Edward because honestly, I was embarrassed I had put myself in an unhealthy relationship. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. In retrospect, I hadn't given Edward the chance to learn about that chapter in my life. Those couple of years stretched me and changed my outlook. I thought not mentioning him would help me move past it. I still feel the effects of that toxic relationship. I had developed new forms of anxiety. Low confidence created a different, shy Bella. As much as I tried to put on a front, the emotional after-effects lingered.
The difference between this breakup and Paul's was I could run into Edward anywhere. Coral Coffee, the beach, hell, right outside my house. And his family, who I had learned to love as well. I yearned for Esme's comforting words. I yearned for a mother who cared as much as she did, for somebody who was not even her own.
She was also my last physical connection to Aunt Irina.
Although it would be hard, I knew I had to face my problems and confront Edward. I was used to stifling my problems only to have them implode on themselves, creating larger messes. This needed to change, starting with listening to Edward.
I drifted out of my thoughts and focused on the blank canvas before me once more. I picked up my brush dipped with paint.
The same feeling from the gallery overwhelmed me once again. I could not bring my brush to the canvas. Tears welled my eyes as I placed the brush in a cup of water.
What was wrong with me?
Painting gives me so much joy. From creating new shades of colors, sketching out lines, and blending colors seamlessly, the process took complete concentration. I was in control of the paint.
A sting of realization hit my chest. I had never had control of my life. Growing up, my mother did, then when I moved out, Paul did. When I finally had my life to myself, I had met Edward. Now, he felt so distant, as I had barricaded myself in heartbreak, everything had changed.
A few tears escaped from my eyes as I gave up trying to paint. Once I stood, exhaustion overtook my body. Today was a long day, and tomorrow would be longer. I trudged to my room, struggling to find the energy to change clothes, and fell into bed. Pulling the quilt tight against me, I struggled to find sleep, despite my overexertion.
I woke up on my own and not from an alarm for the first time in a long, long time. I stretched, my muscles aching from the strain put on them the past few days. I made a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table.
Anxiety rose within me as I remembered I was to face Edward this evening. Finishing my coffee, I washed the mug, dried it, and put it back into its place.
Feeling antsy, I wiped down the countertops. Then the appliances. Then scrubbed the sink with disinfectant.
"Coping with anxiety can take many forms," I heard my past therapist say in my head, "Some rearrange their furniture, use creativity to draw or paint, others clean. Cleaning gives a purpose and has a beginning and an end."
I went through the refrigerator next, tossing out old leftovers. I washed the refrigerator's shelves with Lysol wipes. Dishes were stacked in the sink from my fridge purge, so I washed those and put them away. Each cabinet was organized and dusted. The floor was swept, then mopped.
The carpet, vacuumed. Every surface dusted, wiped down with Lysol wipes as well. The couch, vacuumed. I moved room by room, dusting, spraying, and disinfecting everything until I was somewhat satisfied.
It was now five, and I was plopped on the couch, finally finished cleaning the entire house. Once I started, I couldn't stop. Now, I felt satiated. Sweaty, but satiated. Nerves blossomed in my stomach. I decided a hot shower would help my nerves and clean away the sweat from cleaning.
After emerging from the steam, I folded the rest of my laundry to concentrate on something other than the confrontation. At 6:38, I grew too antsy and wound up, so I made my way to the beach, finding a spot close to the tide, but far enough to be reached by its foam.
I sat on the sand, knees tucked to my chest. Other beach goes who made it this far down the beach had already packed up and left. I stared out at the horizon, butterflies flitting around in my stomach.
I felt the sand shift beside me. Edward. My body felt a magnetic pull towards him, although he sat a foot and a half away from me.
"Hi," he said softly. I had not yet met his gaze, although I felt his eyes.
"Hi," I responded, voice just above a whisper.
"I met Tanya Denali my junior year of college." he began. "She was in a sorority and I had a friend who was in a fraternity and they were having a mixer. We met at that party and soon began getting to know each other better. We started dating my senior year, which was her sophomore year. She met my family, even spent a Thanksgiving with us. Alice instantly disliked her. I was too blind, with what I thought was love, to really notice who Tanya truly was.
"She had a falling out with her dad, and she turned into someone I hardly recognized. She clung onto me during that period of time. Our relationship became less of a partnership as she began to use me to social climb. She used me for my money, my connections, and anything else she could think of. I was clear with her from the start of our relationship about my decision to wait till marriage. She pressured me constantly and tried to blackmail me when I kept denying her."
He shifted his body towards me and I made eye contact with him. His green, green eyes searched mine. The familiar electricity always running between us sparked and crackled.
"I never fell in love with her. I thought I did, at the time, but when I met you, I discovered what real, authentic love is." one of his hands grabbed his tousled hair.
"I broke up with her. She threw a fit. She would follow me and corner me after class. After I had grown tired of her games, I cut off all communication with her. I think she convinced herself of things that never happened between us. She would text me weird messages, recalling things that never happened."
"When I was finishing my second to last year of med school, she graduated with her undergrad and she had moved back to South Carolina where her mom lives. I thought I was finally rid of her and all of the drama she had created with me and within my friendships and family.
"When I had finally graduated med school, I learned her father died of an accidental overdose in Daytona Beach. I reached out to her, to express my condolences because I grew fond of Mr. Denali. He was an established plastic surgeon in Daytona, and he specialized in helping burn victims. She found out I was moving to Florida through a mutual friend so she started contacting me more often. She said we should get back together. I would try to talk to her every so often because...I was afraid she might do something...that she might try to hurt herself or worse...Her dad enabled her to his money, she had a close relationship with him before having those arguments with him. I would speak with her only over the phone every few weeks. As of recently, she has been trying to be more persuasive in getting back together. Her calls and texts became more aggressive and just full of shit. Those texts you saw, she was high on something when she sent those and while she called. I'm not pursuing a relationship with her any longer. I promise I never saw her in Daytona, I never fucked her." Edward grabbed my hand, pulling it to his chest. The zap his touch left on my skin surprised me.
"Why...why didn't you tell me?" He released my hand and pulled on the ends of his hair.
"I thought I could handle her. I told her in every fucking way that I am not interested in resuming our relationship from college. She has issues she needs to work out, but even if she was the Tanya I first met, she doesn't fucking compare to you, not in the slightest. You and I, our relationship became so easy. We just fit together. I realize we might have jumped in too quickly, as we never talked about our past relationships and quickly started a new one. I'm trying to understand the fact past relationships and friendships will always be a part of who we are and who we become. I can't erase that part of my life."
"So you wouldn't leave me to go see her?"
"No, I haven't seen her in over a year."
"Why are you in a rush to leave sometimes?"
"Jasper is really kicking my ass in the gym. I usually have to wake up early to meet him and Emmett to make it in time for work. I can't spend the night because of how I was raised. I was raised on the moral of not living together under the same roof until marriage. I never want to leave when we're together. I want to spend every second with you—there's nobody I would rather be with. These past few days have been torture because I haven't got to hold you, told you I love you. I know I fucked up...and I'm so fucking sorry, Bella.
"Why are still friends with her on Facebook?"
"I don't really know. I understand now it's not smart. I need to block her before she starts harassing me on social media too."
"You've really haven't seen her in a year? When I answered the phone, she said you were going to see her soon."
"She's fucking delusional...I don't want to see her, I don't want to talk to her."
"You gave me a lot of information," I said. "I need some time to think about it."
"I understand," he replied, he reached for my hand again and squeezed it.
"I apologize for jumping to conclusions, but at that moment, my world shattered. To even believe for one second everything was a lie. There are some things I never told you either, so you're not the only one at fault. If you could just sit there and listen, it would help me to get through it.
"Anything you need," he murmured, holding my hand in his still.
"Paul was my first boyfriend. When I met him, I was so new to having more freedoms, he asked me out and I immediately accepted. This was in college, my mother couldn't limit me anymore and I took advantage of it. At first, Paul was seemingly the perfect boyfriend. He would walk me to class, to my dorm, go to parties with me. It wasn't too long when he started manipulating me. He would yell at me, call me names, say I wasn't good enough. He pressured me into having sex with him, which I refused. He would emotionally abuse me. He's the reason I have trouble trusting people, have anxiety. One day, I had gone to the grocery store straight after class to make him dinner and I found him in bed with another girl. While this devastated me, it also gave me my freedom back. I moved to Clear Lake to fully rid myself of him."
"Bella, I'm so sorry that happened to you." He murmured, placing his hand on my face. "You are the most incredible woman I have ever met. How he treated you is not the way you deserve to be treated. I don't deserve you."
"Don't say that," I whispered. "It's me that doesn't deserve you. You are too good for me, it's another reason I believed her so quickly. I never thought somebody like you could love someone so broken and bruised."
"Bella," his voice broke. "You don't see yourself clearly." He moved closer to me, his lips inching closer and closer to mine.
I pulled away.
"I just need some time...to process things."
"You're right, I'm sorry."
"But, Edward? I forgive you. Just give me some time."
"That's all I could ever ask for. A second chance. We can move as slowly as you want."
"Thank you," my voice was barely above a whisper. With that, I stood up and moved back toward my house.
The next morning, after waking up feeling better than I had in a few days, I grabbed my bike to go to Emmett's garage. I needed to speak with Rosalie. With her even head, she would be able to give me good advice.
The bike ride was short, but perspiration from the Florida sun clung to my forehead. I got off my bike, walking it to the side of the open bay doors. Emmett was head first into a huge pickup truck's engine. Another guy was cranking a ratchet inside a sedan.
"Emmett!" I called over the loud classic rock music. Both men stopped what they were doing. To my surprise, Jacob turned around from working on the sedan. He also looked surprised, but he quickly recovered and flashed me a huge smile. His teeth shone against the black grease stain on his cheek. He put down the ratchet and jogged over to me.
"Bella," they both said at the same time. Emmett flashed Jacob a confused look.
"Couldn't wait to text me? Doesn't matter, seeing you in person again is much better." Jacob crossed his arms across his chest
"You two know each other?" Emmett asked.
"Yes," he said.
"No," I said. Jacob and I responded at the same time. "I just met him yesterday, I mean." Emmett nodded slowly.
"Jacob, how 'bout you finish up that sedan," Emmett said, giving no room for Jacob to protest.
"You got it, boss," Jacob's grin faltered, but he winked at me as he turned around. "Oh, Bella, don't forget to text me about our coffee plans," he called over his shoulder.
"Um, Emmett, is Rosalie here?" I asked, feeling a bit awkward.
"Yeah," he said eyeing me questioningly. "Coffee plans?" He asked.
"Oh—um Jacob asked to grab coffee with me to get to know more people in town."
"You believed him when he said that?" He quirked a brow.
"Uh, yeah, was he lying or something?"
"Jacob flirts with every girl he sees, so I'm pretty sure his intentions are different than yours."
I blinked a couple of times, understanding. "Looks like he'll never be getting a text from me then."
Emmett laughed, quite loudly, as Jacob looked over at us hearing Emmett over the blasted music. "Rosie's just inside. She's going to be leaving for the day soon, so you might want to catch her now."
"Thanks, Emmett." I walked over to the office door and poked my head in. Rosalie was sitting at a desk, so I slipped through the door.
"Bella," she said, bewildered.
"Hi, Rosalie, I was hoping we could talk."
"Sure, let me just clear some space." She stacked some papers that were scattered on the desk and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder. "Take a seat. Want water or anything?"
"No, I'm fine, thank you," I said while sitting in the chair across from her desk.
"How are you doing?" she asked warily.
"I'm okay." Rosalie nodded. "I'm sure you're aware of what's going on," She nodded again sympathetically. "Yesterday, I spoke with Edward, and he explained some things. He gave me a lot to think about. I still need to talk with Alice, so I couldn't exactly go to her for advice—and she's his sister, it would have been a little weird anyway."
"I understand," she replied gently.
"How much do you know about Tanya?"
"I met her when I first married Emmett. She seemed sweet at first, but I could tell something was off. She confirmed my suspicions when she has a huge argument with Alice while prepping for Thanksgiving. After Edward ended things, he would talk to Emmett a lot and ask for advice. I understand what Tanya can be capable of."
"Did Edward tell you her dad died?"
"He mentioned it to Carlisle and Esme at a family dinner a couple of months ago." She shrugged delicately.
"Edward began communicating with her after he died."
"He didn't mention that part," he perfectly arched eyebrows furrowed.
"He said he thought he had it under control, from what I understand, he didn't/"
"Yes, that sounds like Edward. He likes to handle things on his own."
"While he was explaining his past, he kept reassuring me about his feelings for me." My eyes wandered away from her bright blue ones. "When I found Edward's phone, I was so quick to assume the nature of their relationship, as she texted him things that destroyed my trust. It reminded me of a past relationship in which I was emotionally abused." I admitted.
"Oh, Bella," Rosalie murmured, covering my hand with hers.
"I don't know how to start again, Rosalie."
"Do you love Edward, Bella?"
"Irrevocably," I whimpered, eyes pooling with tears.
"There is no doubt in my mind he feels the same." Rosalie squeezed my hand.
"Does it sound crazy to ease into things again? Find a new normal?"
"Absolutely not." She pulled her hand from mine and sat back in her chair. "There are some things you don't know about me, and I think my experience can help you, so I will share. While I was in high school, I dated Royce, who was the star football player. I was captain of the dance team, we just seemed to go together. When Royce and I were alone, he was controlling. He didn't let me hang out with friends, even if they were girls. Soon his tactics grew physical. He would...beat me," she said shakily, "I kept it a secret, I thought it was love. I thought I was truly the cause of his anger. That it was my fault. One night at a party, he was out of control and wasted. He drug me to an empty bedroom and raped me."
I gasped as tears fell over my cheeks. "Rosalie…"
"He left me there, bleeding and hurt. I had crawled from the bed to the door, trying to find help. One of my teammates found me. They took me to the hospital and I told them everything. Royce was arrested for rape the next day, but his rich dad bailed him out. He served for a year, then was let out on good behavior. He broke parole and now had to serve five more years, and then he will be let out."
"That's not fair," I cried.
"That's what happens when you have money. It's a miracle he was even sentenced at all. His dad paid a lot of money for a fancy lawyer." She snorted.
"I'm so sorry, Rosalie."
"I'm not sharing this with you to earn pity or play the victim. I'm a survivor. What happened afterward that is most important. From that point on, I was extremely cautious with men. I found it hard to be in relationships. In college, I had met Emmett. He gave me the time I needed in our relationship. We met at orientation and didn't start officially dating two years later. The Cullen boys were raised with patience and extreme compassion. Edward will work with you, you just need to be open and communicate. You are a survivor of emotional abuse. You have every right to take the time you need. You may still be healing and not even know it. It was never your fault, and you couldn't have prevented it."
"I did tell Edward about it,"
"And that's a great first step," She leaned toward me a grasped my hand again. "I can't tell you what to do, you have to figure it out on your own. I hope my experience and advice helped you."
"Rosalie," more tears slipped from my eyes, "thank you, truly." We both stood, hugging.
"Alice feels absolutely horrible. So does Esme. Esme feels for you and Edward both."
"I need to talk with Alice," I said against her shoulder.
"Yes, just be open minded. She was in a hard position. While she's Edward's brother, she's your friend and she cares very much for you." We had pulled away from each other.
"I'll make time for her. She deserves it, I don't want to ruin our friendship."
"Things will get better, Bella, especially if everything is worked out."
"Thanks for talking with me, sharing your story, and for all of the advice."
"Please, don't thank me, it was nothing." She winked and sat back down at the desk.
"I'll see you later?"
"Of course," she said, smiling. I pushed open the door, feeling less burdened.
Emmett was hanging out by the radio, flipping through stations.
"Thanks for listening to The Flow—"
"Pour some sugar on me—"
"The tropical storm seems to be growing—"
"You've been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal…" Emmett finally picked a station. His huge, burly form swung around, almost knocked me over.
"Shit, Bella! You scared me!" His arm had caught me before I had a chance of tumbling down.
"Sorry! I just wanted to say bye, and let you know your wife is amazing."
"She sure is something, huh?" he said, cleaning a wrench with a hand towel. "See you around?" He asked, hopeful.
"Yes," I nodded. He grinned and got back to work. I rounded the corner to collect my bike, and I was surprised to see Jacob leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette.
"Hey there, Bella," he smirked as he took another drag.
"Hey," I said timidly.
"I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better." He threw the butt of the cigarette on the ground and smashed it with his boot. "So how do you know Emmett?"
"Well, his brother and I are together," I said carefully.
"I thought you said you didn't have a boyfriend?"
"It's a little complicated," I admitted.
"Well, we can still be friends, right?"
"I suppose so," I replied cautiously.
"I'm headed to a bar tonight if you'd want to join me." He crossed his muscular arms over his chest.
"Tonight isn't good for me," I began.
"Tomorrow?"
Persistent much?
"I have a lot going on right now, so I don't think tomorrow would work either." I brushed around him to retrieve my bike. I got on, ready to pedal away but Jacob's large hand suddenly appeared on the handlebar, stopping me.
"Don't forget to text me when you're available. I'm really likin' Clear Lake, I might stay a while."
"Yeah, I won't forget. Bye, Jacob." He removed his hand, unblocking my escape route. I sped away, ignoring the low whistle from behind me.
Thoughts?