S13 angst. Jackson and April are irritated that none of their dates are working out, and find themselves having to confront the fact that they still have feelings for one another.
This whole trying to move on thing? It felt pointless, and useless, and unfair.
April had tried to put herself out there and do everything right: She'd joined Tinder (despite having to wade through countless sexual messages from men who didn't seem to have any morals or shame), she'd made herself look presentable, she'd gone on several dates with several different men...and yet she didn't feel any better. If anything, she found herself feeling even more confused after her most recent date turned out to be a bust. She found herself really liking the guy: he seemed hard-working, kind and was easy on the eyes, and then he'd gone and told her that her life just seemed too complicated for him to handle.
"You're sweet, but I just don't think I can date a woman who still lives with her ex-husband. It's too much."
"It's not like that. We're just friends, and we have a daughter together. He just didn't want me to live alone after my c-section incase something happened-"
"Right, but what about now? You're recovered, right? and yet you're still living together. Why don't you move out?"
"I...I don't know," She admitted. The truth was, she didn't want to move out. She didn't want for Harriet to move between homes and to only see her daughter fifty percent of the time, and she knew that Jackson didn't want that either. The reality was that, at some point, she would probably have to if not to confuse their daughter, but she didn't feel ready. Maybe she never would be, given it hadn't been her choice to get divorced in the first place.
"Exactly. I'm sorry, April. I just can't be dealing with all that. It was nice to meet you though. I had a great time. Take care of yourself."
April just nodded, trying her best to hold back her emotions and remain calm and composed. The last thing she needed was for this guy to think she was an emotional wreck, too. She wasn't even sure if it was him that she was upset about, or if she was just mad that her life had become so complicated. "Yeah, you too."
Jackson found himself feeling the same way. He'd pushed for this - to be divorced, to be free of his feelings for April and his anger at her leaving him again, and yet here they were: living together, with their beautiful baby girl, and he found himself wishing for his old life. That if he'd just tried harder, if he'd just known about Harriet before signing those papers...things wouldn't be complicated. They'd be married still, and sleeping in the same bed, and raising their daughter without worrying about boundaries or what their life would look like in the future. It made his heart ache just thinking about that.
He'd tried desperately to date again - something he'd never struggled with before. It had always come so naturally to him, and sometimes all he had to do was show up to a place and women were immediately drawn to him. Now, it was like he found himself comparing every woman to her. His most recent attempt had even ended up with him in some woman's apartment, accidentally calling the woman in question his ex-wife's name before they could even finish undressing one another. Naturally, she was furious and immediately told him to leave, so he did just that. Whycould he still not get her out of his head, even now? Was their living situation just making everything worse? Was it just because he missed her as a best friend? Or had he really made a mistake in choosing this? He wasn't sure if he was still angry at her, or just angry at himself. Either way, something had to change. He couldn't keep on like this.
When April got back from her failed date and saw Jackson on the sofa, watching the game, she wanted the ground to swallow her up. It was obvious that she'd been crying, despite her attempts at wiping her eyes and making sure her make up didn't run too badly, and when he looked up from the television screen, he could immediately tell. Despite his confusion about everything he was feeling, he couldn't not try to comfort her and be there for her. Maybe that was one of his biggest flaws.
"What's wrong?" He asked gently, feeling his stomach twist slightly as his thoughts went to the worst possible place. What if the guy had hurt her, or tried something with her she wasn't comfortable with? He knew what the men on Tinder could be like, and whilst he knew that April wasn't some delicate little flower and could protect herself, he couldn't not still feel protective over her.
"I'm-I'm fine," She assured, hooking her key on the latch, "My date was just a bust."
"Sorry. The guy's a jerk."
"No...he...he was actually nice. It just...go me thinking about some things, thats all." She let out a sigh, pushing the crown of her hair back out of her face. Jackson looked at her intently, wondering what was on her mind and if her thoughts were just as jumbled as his seemed to be lately. It wasn't a conversation that he particularly wanted to have, but they were going to have to talk eventually, he guessed. He just didn't want the bubble to burst, and to be confronted of the reality that their future would entail, "I...I don't know what we're doing here, Jackson. Maybe me not moving out was a mistake."
Jackson frowned, realising that they were, in fact, having that conversation. He wasn't ready for it, but then again, he didn't know if he ever would be. "Why? I thought you liked living here? and things have been...good between us lately, right? and Harriet - she's happy?"
"Yes, I have...and they have...it's-it's not you, it's..." April paused for a moment, looking up at the ceiling to avoid his gaze, "My date said something about not wanting to date a woman who lives with her ex, and I mean, I can't imagine any of the woman you've been trying to date would be thrilled about that either. What happens if we want to bring someone home? Or when Harriet gets old enough to have all these questions? How do we explain to her that we're not together in the way that some of her friend's parents are, but that she lives in one apartment with the two of us? What happens then?"
"I don't know, April, but I don't think we should be making any rash decisions based on any hypotheticals. My dating life is a bust right now, too, you know."
"See, thats what I mean, they're probably not thrilled about it-"
"Its not about that, alright? It's because I can't get you out of my damn head!" Jackson found himself snapping, and instantly regretted it. It was out there now, and he couldn't take it back. He let out a heavy sigh, looking somewhat embarrassed, before adding, "I thought...I thought the divorce would be the end of it, but I don't know how to turn it off. I don't know how to not love you."
April found herself blinking rapidly, a breath hitched in her throat as she stared at him. She knew that bringing this conversation up wouldn't be easy, but she hadn't been expecting that. He'd been the one to push for the divorce in the first place, and yet, he still loved her? What exactly was she supposed to do with that information now? There were so many thoughts swimming around in her head, and yet all she could focus on was the fact that this revelation made her a little bit angry. Why couldn't he have realised this before signing those papers? "That's...that's not fair, Jackson. I tried so hard to fight for our marriage, but you didn't want me. What difference does it make now? You wanted us to move on!"
"I didn't know what I wanted!" He explained. All he knew at the time was that he'd wanted to stop being so consumed by anger and grief, and to feel like himself again. "I don't know what I want...or what you want...but it's not this. To constantly be comparing everyone to you. To not be a family. To barely be in each others lives at all."
"I don't want that, either..." April sighed, blinking a few times to try to prevent her eyes from watering, "but I don't want things to be so...complicated. We tried to make this work, Jackson, we really did, but maybe it isn't the right thing to do anymore. Maybe it is too complicated."
Jackson frowned, unsure of how to respond. He could feel the situation slipping away from him, and he didn't know what to do to stop it. If only he could go back in time and make a different decision, he thought, but it was too late for that now, "We should talk about this more...in the morning," was all he could offer up. There was no point in arguing about this now, when they were both tired and upset.
"Okay," She agreed, feeling like there was no point in protesting, and instead making her way to the bathroom to clean herself up and get ready for bed. She found herself examining herself in the mirror as she wiped the make up from her face and brushed her teeth. He loved her, but did he even want her? and more importantly, could she even trust him? April didn't know anymore.