Chapter 4: Alice
For the first time since I officially became a Cullen, I had no plans. In every town we'd lived in, I always did something. I handled the family's investments. Most of the time I participated in school of various levels. Once, I'd worked as a receptionist. But now, I had nothing to do other than spend time with Esme.
Esme couldn't be more thrilled to have me home. During the day, I followed her around the house, helping her with whatever house project she was working on and chatting to her about every lighthearted topic I could think of. True to Jasper's words, Carlisle was hardly ever around the house, which left me providing the majority of Esme's companionship. She loved it, and I knew Jasper enjoyed sharing the the load of looking out for her, but after a week I was starting to get restless. I needed something to work on other than carrying out Esme's plans for interior decorating and gardening. Unfortunately my gift would be useless here. My visions could help me decide which ideas would be good ones to pursue, but they were entirely useless when I had no ideas to begin with.
"You could engage in charity work," Esme suggested one day as I dragged my feet helping her move furniture back into the room that would hopefully someday be Edward's.
"That's not a bad idea," I said thoughtfully. One more than one occasion one of us had used our excess resources to anonymously solve a problem of some sort. Most of Carlisle's contributions revolved around medical research. Esme often devoted her efforts to helping women leave abusive situations.
"Access to humane mental health support maybe?" She suggested.
"I don't know," I hedged. It was a good idea, but despite my newfound connection to my past, it still didn't feel right. A quick glance into the future confirmed my hesitancy. "Besides," I continued more confidently. "Mental health support will become a lot easier to access soon and there are other groups that are already working on reducing the stigma around mental health.
"What would you want to do then?" she asked.
"I'm not sure exactly what I'll do yet," I said carefully. It wasn't a total lie. What I wanted to do was look into Bella's future and pick something for the sister that I wasn't allowed to openly support anymore. There was just the whole issue with Edward refusing to let me intentionally look for her.
"It's for Bella, isn't it," Esme said softly. Startled, I glanced up at her and she was looking at me with a soft, almost pitying look.
"How did you know?" I asked. This was a wish I kept so close to my heart, even Jasper hadn't heard about it yet. Esme chuckled.
"You may be the seer, dear, but I'm your mother. I know you miss her just as much as I do."
"Edward would be so mad," I whispered. Esme nodded, encouraging me to continue. "But it's just NOT FAIR!" I sounded like a toddler. I didn't care. Now that I'd started, the words were all trying to come out at once. "Edward knows how important she is to all of us, and we're still not allowed to have anything to do with her. She's going to have a hard life - most humans do - and we're not allowed to make it any easier at all? How is that fair to literally anyone?" Esme wordlessly pulled me into a hug and I let my head rest against her shoulder for a brief minute. And because it was Esme and she would understand, I finally said "I don't know how to live my life not being able to show her how much I care about her and I think I hate Edward for forcing this on me."
"I'll let you in a little secret," Esme said softly. "I think I do too." I jerked my head up to stare at her. She had a wry smile on her lips, but her eyes were far away. Gentle Esme, the heart of our family, had just admitted to hating my brother. I had expected understanding of where I was coming from, but certainly not this. Or at least -
"No, I don't think you do," I challenged cautiously. She shrugged.
"Maybe hate is a strong word," she amended. "But tell me, Alice, what can I possibly feel about the son who took away my youngest daughter?" She fidgeted with the bracelet on her wrist as if suddenly nervous. "While I love Edward too much to hate him truly, it feels as though by not hating him, I'm betraying Bella even more. Does that make sense?" I laughed.
"I don't know, it sounds pretty messed up to me. Maybe you need to have a chat with Jasper about all this."
"Believe it or not, this level of clarity comes after speaking with Jasper many times. Selfishly, I'm glad you insisted he stay here with me." I reached out and put my hand on Esme's arm, but she didn't seem to notice. This wasn't something I had seen, my reasons for making him stay were purely selfish, but I wasn't surprised to hear that he had supported Esme during this time.
Early in his second life, Jasper had spent many decades using his gift to control others. Maria used it to both sedate and incite newborns, depending on whether she wanted them docile or fierce. He used it to control her, allowing him to survive and thrive in the harsh climate of the Southern Wars. When we met, Jasper was trying not to use his gift. The guilt at feeling the emotions of all his victims as well as the loneliness from not having any friendships that weren't based on control was slowly eating him alive. But when we joined our family, he finally realized that he could use his talent as a gift. Instead of using it to control others, he learned that he could use it to make lives softer, easier, for those he considered family. It was a gentle support that everyone in the family appreciated, and I'm sure right now, Esme had never been more grateful for it.
"Hey Alice, have you had any visions recently?" Jasper called from down the hall. I frowned.
"No, should I have?" Jasper sighed.
"It's probably nothing, but someone's been trying to find us on the internet." Esme and I shared a look and slipped out of Edward's room and down the hallway.
"What are they searching?" I asked as I opened the door to Jasper's private study.
"Nothing specific. They searched each of our names, then added 'doctor' to Carlisle's search."
"Would they have found anything?" Esme asked nervously.
"I don't think so," he said. I keep all traces of our previous locations off the internet and just make any current webpages about us directly unlisted on the search engine." Esme nodded, relief flooding her face. I couldn't say I wasn't relieved either. As much as I loathed the circumstances that brought us to Ithaca, none of us wanted to move again so quickly.
"Look where the search requests are coming from," Jasper said heavily. My eyes followed his finger to the portion of the screen it was indicating.
Port Angeles.
"That's not so unusual," I finally said after a moment of silence. "It's pretty common for someone to get curious and try to find us after we've moved on."
"Usually a previous co-worker of Carlisle's," Esme added. I didn't need Edward's gift to know that we were all thinking the same thing. That this time was different. This was the first time we'd left someone important behind.
The sound of Carlisle's Mercedes grumbled up the driveway; too loud in the contemplative silence. It was the first time he'd been home in nearly two days. Jasper noticed the tightening of Esme's jaw a half second before I did.
"Esme, we can't," he said forcefully.
"What if she's trying to find us because she needs us?" Esme argued. "Would Edward truly have us stand by if her life was in danger?"
"To be fair, if her life was truly at risk she probably wouldn't be sitting at the computer googling us," Jasper said wryly.
"Esme?" Carlisle called from the hallway.
"In Jasper's study, dear," she replied. "We think Bella is trying to find us."
"Is she in danger?" Carlisle asked.
"Jasper doesn't think so at least," I muttered.
"This isn't the first time she's tried to contact us," Jasper pointed out. It was true. I winced as I remembered the dozens of emails she sent me in the months after we'd left. Emails that I had to pretend lay undelivered for fear I would lose the battle not to answer them.
"But we can't turn our backs on her if she truly needs us," argued Esme.
"Alice, in her most recent emails, did Bella give any indication that anything was amiss other than her missing us?" I shook my head. She was heartbroken and angry but had otherwise seemed fine. "And you haven't had any visions indicating that she's in danger?" Again I shook my head.
"I'm not looking intentionally," I reminded him. "But no."
"What if we had Alice look now, just to make sure?" Esme asked quickly.
"Edward said not to for a reason," Jasper cut in. "If Alice saw that she was safe, but miserable, would that really be good enough for you?" Esme's eyes lowered, but she didn't say anything so Jasper continued. " She loved him, but she's human. She's going to need more than a few months to be okay again, but it will happen."
"We know that," I said bitterly. "This isn't about whether she's happy or not. This is whether about she's in danger or not. Carlisle, don't pretend you don't know what Edward's next move will be if anything happens to her." It was a low blow. I knew that. No one missed the brief flash of panic that flew into Carlisle's eyes and the glare that Esme shot me. I had crossed a line.
But as low a blow as it was, no one could deny it was effective. After a few minutes of contemplation, Carlisle sighed and his shoulders slumped. Suddenly, he looked every minute of his 300+ years.
"Alright, go ahead Alice. Just this once." I didn't need to be told twice.
I blinked in the sudden sunlight. The smell of gasoline was heavy in the still, hot air. I glanced around. It seemed like I was in an average, run-down gas station. I looked around for Bella and found her quickly. Or rather, I found her van quickly. She was standing at pump #4, leaning against the van with her arms crossed and her eyes were carefully darting around the gas station, as if searching for something. She looked tired and nervous, but not especially panicked. Oh Bella, I miss you, I thought desperately and suddenly, like she heard me, her eyes snapped to stare at me.
Shock made me pull out of the vision. My family waited patiently as I gathered my bearings.
"God, I can't believe she actually bought that ugly van," was the first thing out of my mouth. Carlisle raised an eyebrow but I rushed forward."She's thinner than she was. And she looks tired," I added, remembering the dark circles under her eyes.
"But she was fine otherwise?" Carlisle asked. I nodded. Esme smiled in relief.
"Good, then she was probably just googling us out of curiosity," Jasper nodded. In his mind, all loose ends were tied up. For him, it probably was, but something was niggling in the back of my mind.
"She wasn't the one googling us." I said suddenly. Carlisle and Esme, who were preparing to leave, turned back towards me, waiting. "The vision, it happened somewhere down south. It was hot and dry. And there were cacti," I added, remembering that detail. Jasper shrugged.
"Even better," he said. "So it was just a curious classmate or colleague after all." I nodded slowly, but couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment. Jasper was right. She truly did seem okay and like she was moving on. And that was good for her I supposed. But selfishly, I couldn't deny that I had been hoping for the excuse to go see her.
"I know, Darlin'," Jasper whispered softly. "It's not fair." I turned to him and smiled as best as I could.
"As long as she's not miserable, that will be enough for me. For now," I added quickly before he got the wrong idea. "And in the meantime, I just have to hope my idiot brother comes to his senses sooner rather than later."