Chapter Thirty-One

They materialized in Jareth's solar, before the cheerfully blazing fireplace. With a wave of his hand, Jareth conjured a pile of cushions and pillows on the floor. A second motion of his hand and Sarah was dressed in a simple t-shirt and flannel pajama bottoms, her hair in a low ponytail and her makeup removed, while Jareth transformed his own clothes to a pair of black silken sleeping pants and a matching robe. He brought her down to the makeshift nest of pillows while holding her close and projecting his love to her through his scent and his aura as best he could.

Eventually, her tears subsided, and Jareth conjured a tray holding a jug of hot, mulled wine and some fruit. Pouring her a cup of the steaming beverage, he pressed it into her hand and encouraged her to drink. She drank her wine, interspersing her sips with bites of apple, a grape or two and some sliced pears. After she'd finished her mug, he refilled it, then sat with one hand on his mug and the other playing in her hair.

"I'm not even supposed to be here," she said, her eyes distant.

"What do you mean, love? Of course you are."

Sarah shook her head, "No. If my mother had her way, I wouldn't be here." She took a deep drink from her mug. "My parents met each other at college. She was a drama major. Dad was in law school. I think it was at a frat party or something. One thing led to another, and they hooked up. I don't think they were dating, exactly. I mean, I couldn't pick two people more unsuited for each other than my mom and dad. But hormones are hormones, and they were young."

She took another drink. "She found out she was pregnant. She was really pissed. She'd had plans to be an actress, to be in movies and get famous. I guess I should be grateful that she even told my dad about the pregnancy, since she wanted a termination, and he talked her out of it. Promised her that she could pursue her career after I was born." She laughed, a little bitterness in her tone. "I guess he had the qualities of a great lawyer even then, because somehow he talked her into having me and getting married."

And thank the Fates that he did, Jareth thought. I don't know what I would do without you…

She looked at her empty mug. Jareth refilled it and settled back. Sarah held the mug in her hands, as if to warm them. "She quit school and took care of me. I think even then, I knew she resented it. Resented me. I tried to be her perfect daughter, so maybe she would love me," Sarah shook her head, sadly. "I hardly ever saw my dad. He worked his ass off to finish law school and support us. He landed a job with a pretty large firm right after he passed the Bar, and things started to look up a little. That's when my mother started pestering him about his promise that she could pursue her career. The pestering led to some pretty vicious fights."

"I know, love. The Ughlánas would tell me about those fights. My heart bled for you."

Sarah looked at him, surprised. "I forgot… you had already marked me by then, hadn't you?" At Jareth's nod, she continued, "He encouraged her to go back to school. Offered to get a nanny now that he could afford one. I was… two? Two years old when he got that great job. She was only twenty-one. She could easily have picked up right where she left off. He tried… he really did. But nothing pleased her. She'd shoot down every idea he'd had to help her pursue her career, then complain that he was going back on his word." She sighed softly, "I don't know what she wanted that he wasn't trying to give her. It was like… nothing he did, nothing I did… would ever make her happy. Hell, she could have walked out right after I was born if she'd really wanted to, but she didn't. Not then, anyway."

Sarah sipped at her wine again, "Things kept going like that for years. Eventually, she started acting in a local theater once I started going to school. Sometimes, she'd take me with her to rehearsals. She'd stick me with whoever was willing to watch me, while she practiced onstage. I thought it would make her happier, doing what she'd dreamed of. But no. She got more… restless as the years went on."

"Their fights got worse," Sarah said, staring into her mug. "Sometimes they wouldn't speak to each other for days. Then, when I was about 11, things changed. She got… nicer. Happier, for some reason. There was this hotshot British director who was doing a play at the theater, and he'd chosen her for the lead. The theater was having a party, or 'gala' as my mother called it." Sarah's expression turned contemptuous, "Gala. It was a small-town local theater and she acted like it was Broadway. I didn't care though, I just wanted her to be happy. She was so pretty, and I wanted to be just like her…" Sarah's voice faded away for a moment before she continued, "Anyway, the night of the 'gala', she had bought me a dress to wear. A red dress. She did my hair and put makeup on me. I thought it was a bonding experience. I got to wear makeup like my mom. Then she put the dress on me. It was… not exactly inappropriate, but it was styled in such a way to make me look older than I was. Hell, I didn't even have boobs yet, but this dress made me look like I did. I was uncomfortable in it… something just didn't seem right about me wearing it, but she was my mother and I thought… maybe it would make her happy."

And that's the key, isn't it? Jareth thought. She tried so hard, and for so long, to make her mother happy… to make her mother love her. She didn't know that sometimes it just isn't possible…

Sarah set her mug on the tray and lay back on the cushions, "We went downstairs, and my dad got a look at how she'd dressed me. I thought he was going to strangle her; he was so mad. He told her that no way were we going to this party with me dressed like that. She kept shouting at him that she was my mother, and she could dress me as she pleased. To compromise, I said I'd go get a sweater. That pacified my dad, but my mom seemed angry with me, like I'd somehow betrayed her."

Jareth laid down on the cushions beside her, shifting her so that she was nestled into his side, his arm around her. She turned her head, so it was resting on his shoulder. "We got to this party, and I remember being annoyed that I was the only kid there. My mother introduced my dad to everyone, including Jeremy. He was the hotshot British director I mentioned. After a while, I got tired of standing around, so I went and sat down on the couch. I was so bored that I started daydreaming."

At this, she laughed. "I just realized something. I had daydreamed about a masquerade ball, and I was a princess, looking for the prince. That's exactly what I dreamed after I ate that peach." She shook her head as if to clear it. "After about an hour, I looked for my parents. My dad was working the room, scoping out new clients. I couldn't find my mother. I decided to go look for the bathroom. While I was washing my hands, I heard this groaning sound from the handicapped stall." She gave another bitter laugh. "I thought someone was sick. I thought I'd try to help. I went to the stall, it wasn't locked, so I opened the door and there they were. My mother and Jeremy. They were… they were..."

Sarah burrowed further into his shoulder. "I must have made some sound because my mother jerked away from him. I turned around and ran away, crying my eyes out. I ran up to my dad, and before he could ask me what was wrong, my mother came out and shrieked to him that he shouldn't believe anything I told him. My dad made me tell him what was going on. She was glaring at me so hard; I thought I was going to catch on fire. It was like… she hated me." "I don't remember how we got out of there. I do remember running up to my room, tearing off the dress and washing all the makeup off. They were downstairs, screaming at each other. I could hear stuff breaking, like it was being thrown. I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head, hoping to drown out the noise. At one point, I imagined a little hand holding mine and a little voice singing to me." She raised her head and looked at him. "It was an Ughlánas, wasn't it?"

Jareth nodded, "It was Zee. He wasn't supposed to let you see him, but he couldn't stand by and do nothing while you were hurting so."

She put her head back on his shoulder with a smile. "I wondered why he seemed so familiar. I fell asleep at some point and when I woke up, Tammy, my usual babysitter, was there to take me to the carnival they were having at the park. I didn't want to go, but my dad said I had to. We went for a couple of hours, but I kept feeling like something terrible was happening back home. The feeling got so strong that I just started running back to the house. I got there in time to see my mother taking her stuff out to Jeremy's car. I knew what was happening… she was leaving. I remember crying and grabbing her hand, begging her not to leave me. She told me… she said that I was nothing but a dream killer and she was going to go live the life she should have had. That it was her turn to pursue her dreams. My father grabbed me and dragged me back to the house. She left. She never came back."

Oh, Sarah… I'd give anything to take that pain from you. Jareth thought. You are not a dream killer; you are a dream come true.

Sarah looked into the fire, her eyes unfocused, "Dad married Karen a month after the divorce was final. The timing of it all was suspicious… I mean, it had been only six months after the 'gala'. Although it was never confirmed, I always thought that they had something going on even before my mom got busted. I'm not sure I blame him." Sarah's eyes closed. "Karen tried; I'll give her that. I just wasn't ready to deal with someone else playing the part that my mother should have played. Then she got pregnant with Toby, and everything revolved around the baby. My dad never really interacted with me… I think I reminded him of my mother too much. He was content to leave me to Karen."

She snuggled closer to him, eyes still closed. "Over the years, I only saw her when she needed to trot me out for a photo opportunity. She went through the motions of being a parent… sometimes. She'd forget my birthday and then drop thousands of dollars on late presents. Christmas… there were always a ton of expensive and inappropriate presents under the tree, but I was lucky if I got a phone call. Every year, she'd invite me to spend a couple of weeks during summer with her, but when I went… she ignored me most of the time. Looking back, I wonder why she even bothered."

Sarah gave another ragged sigh, her brows furrowing over her closed eyes in remembrance. "The day I made the wish… I had gotten in a fight with another girl who made a remark comparing me to my 'famous mother'. The only thing that saved me from punishment was that I didn't take the first swing." She opened her eyes to look at him and smiled with ferocity, "I did take the last swing, though. I was sent home, and Karen decided that a lecture was in order. I didn't want to hear it, so I threw on my costume, grabbed Merlin and ran off to the park. At least there, I could pretend I was the heroine in my favorite fairy tale."

She chuckled, "That's where I saw a magnificent white owl, and imagined to myself that he was a prince in disguise, come to take me away. Little did I know… he was really a king."

Jareth's arm tightened around her. And that was the day you stole my heart, Sarah. The very moment I knew that I had finally found my queen.

After a long silence, Sarah nestled closer to Jareth, turning towards him, and placing her hand on his bare chest. "Do you want to know what made me snap and make the wish?"

"Tell me."

"I had gone into my room and discovered that Karen had taken Lancelot from my shelf and put it in Toby's crib. Lancelot was a teddy bear that my mother had given me when I was 3. I think that in a lot of ways, Lancelot symbolized my childhood, or at least an idealized version of what my childhood should have been. I was so angry… she'd gone into my room and taken my childhood and gave it to Toby. In my eyes, he had already taken everything that should have been mine, so this was just the last straw. Silly, I know. But that's what did it."

Sometimes that's all it takes. Jareth thought. Sometimes it comes on you drip by drip, until the dam breaks and the flood is unleashed.

"Then you appeared, offering me my dreams in exchange for my brother. I despised myself in that moment… because I was tempted to say yes. I hated myself so much… the thought that I turned out just like my mother and was even thinking about sacrificing an innocent child for my 'dreams'… I just couldn't accept it. No. If solving the Labyrinth was what it took to save my brother… then that's what I had to do."

This explains a lot, Jareth thought. Why she was so determined to make the run no matter what I offered her and no matter what she had to face. If the penalty for failure was death, she would have proceeded anyway. For all I know, she did think that the penalty was death… and was still willing to risk it to save her brother from her own terrible decision. That's why the Labyrinth liked her so much… her motives for running it were pure, unlike all the other runners who do it for selfish reasons.

Jareth could feel her silent tears falling on his skin. He kissed her temple. She sighed and continued, "At the end… in the Escher Room, when you held that crystal out to me, I couldn't look at it. I couldn't. If I looked at it, I would be lost. I would be her. I would be my mother. I would throw my brother away for my dreams, just like my mother threw me away for hers. I kept shouting in my head… 'I'm not my mother, I'm not my mother, I WON'T be my mother. The only thing I could think of to stop myself from giving in was to say those final words in the Labyrinth book. It was the only thing that came to mind, and even then, I almost couldn't remember them."

She was crying in earnest now. Jareth ran his hand up and down her arm, soothing her. Her aura was spiky with self-loathing and fear. "Sarah, why do you continue to blame yourself? You were still a child..."

"That's no excuse," she said harshly.

"Perhaps not. But let me ask you this… why did you forgive me for giving you the peach?" She raised her head to look at him, her eyes puzzled through her tears. He continued, "It was a heinous act, worthy of imprisonment in your world. Yet you forgave me for it. Why?"

Sarah considered this. "Because you didn't really understand what doing it meant. Because you were sorry for it. Because you made amends."

"As did you, when you wished your brother away in a moment of pique, not knowing it would actually happen, and being so sorry for it that you faced the Labyrinth to win him back," he said sternly. "And Hoggle? Why did you forgive him for giving you that peach? He was supposed to be your friend…"

"Because he was sorry for it…" she said weakly.

Jareth nodded, "And yet, you do not afford yourself that same forgiveness." She opened her mouth to protest, but nothing came out. She closed her mouth and frowned. "Let me ask you another question," he continued. "Toby knows that you once wished him away, does he not?" She nodded. "And did he forgive you?" She nodded again. "So, if Toby can forgive you, and you can forgive Hoggle and I, shouldn't you forgive yourself?"

She remained silent, but he could see the spikes of self-loathing in her aura slowly fading. "I'm so afraid…" she whispered.

"Of what?" he asked, tightening his embrace.

"I don't want to resent my children when I have them. I want to love them. I wished my brother away over a teddy bear. What happens when I have my own child and I'm tested?"

Jareth turned her so he could look in her eyes. "You've already won that battle, Sarah. You have learned from the experience. You grew up, learned to cope with adversity and overcome any challenge sent your way. You know what the penalty for capriciousness can be and will never allow yourself to fall to it again." He leaned forward and kissed her gently, then hugged her to himself, "You will be a good mother precisely because you have already been tested and because you prevailed."

Slowly, painfully, he could see the warm gold of contentment replacing the jagged black edges of fear in her aura. As he watched, he saw her eyes grow heavy, then eventually flutter closed. Within a few minutes, she was fast asleep.

And now I finally know why she rejected my offer at the end. She wasn't rejecting me… it had nothing to do with me. She was rejecting the act of choosing her dreams over her responsibility, rejecting the idea of following in her mother's footsteps. If I had only given it some thought at the time, I would have understood that and handled it differently. But no, I cared only about what I wanted and didn't even consider what she was thinking or feeling. And I paid for it. We both did.

Jareth shifted her to a more comfortable position and conjured a blanket to cover them with. His eyes drifted closed, and with his last conscious thought, he speculated to himself. How much pain would we both have been spared if I had just told her she had won and simply asked her to stay?

Author's Notes:

A little bit of this chapter was inspired by "A True Love for Christmas" by AngelGlass (Jareth transports Sarah to his castle after the disaster party and her fears about motherhood). The events as I wrote them are different, but the concept itself was inspired Angelglass.

Another part was inspired by a Labyrinth story I had read, but cannot for the life of me find again, to cite it properly. It's the scene where she busts Linda and Jeremy in the bathroom and her being taken by her babysitter to the park… Again, the events as they play out here are my own, but the concept was inspired by this mystery story. If anyone knows which story it actually was, I'm happy to credit that author with it.