After the funeral my parents take me back to their house. They don't want me at Escala at the moment. Everything of Ana and me is there. Normally, I would resist. I love my penthouse. But I don't want to be there. And for the first time in my life, I really want my family. Even my dad. They move Hope in with Teddy and the baby. I have my old room.
I'm yet to hold my daughter. I've still barely seen her. I don't want to. She's the reason Ana isn't here and I'm so angry. Angry at a helpless 10 day old baby. My mom is desperate for us to bond but I can't. She doesn't even have a name.
I spend my days laid on the sofa in their den. It has a large footrest and I position myself directly in front of the TV all day every day. My mom cooks for my each day and invariably I eat two bites and refuse to continue. She puts the rest in the fridge for me, in case I want it later. I never do. I'm living off milkshakes. Either my mom or dad have been off work every single day since they moved me in so I'm never alone.
My mom has drawn the line at me peeing in her glasses so I do have to move several times a day for the bathroom, and she insists I go to my bedroom at night, so I am washing each day. But the rest of the time, I am in a vegetative state. I go from crying hysterically to sitting staring into space. I have no idea what is happening at GEH. Ros was instructed by my mother to deal with it and I know for a fact Ros wouldn't disturb me in these circumstances. The whole place could blow up and I'm not going to hear about it.
I'm laid on the sofa now, stacking blocks with Teddy who is sat beside me. I'm only half with him, in one of my trances thinking about losing Ana. At least I'm not wailing. Teddy cries when I do. He keeps asking for his mommy. I don't even know how to start telling a two year old she's not coming back. My mom soothes him each time, as when he cries for Ana I have to leave the room. I can't hear it. Because I want to do the same.
Throughout the week I get a number of visits, which do get progressively better. The first is when I am sat playing blocks with Teddy. My mom is in the armchair, and heads to get the door.
I hear voices for a while and think nothing of it. Teddy passes me a yellow block which I place on top of the red one for him as he claps his hand before deliberately knocking the tower over and laughing. "Again, dada," he tells me delightedly as my mom returns with Ana's dad. Ray doesn't look happy. What's happened now?
"Um, Christian," my mom says coming around the sofa to where I'm sat with Teddy.
"Gangma!" He says excitedly reaching up for her now. He's like a little goldfish, whoever is new in front of him is his new favourite person. He hasn't spotted Ray yet.
"What's up?" I say looking between her and Ray.
"Ray would just like a quick word," my mom looks worried. I bite my lip and look at them both.
"Alone," Ray says stiffly.
"Ray, Christian is very fragile, I don't think.." My mom begins as I sit up a little further.
"I'm fine, mom. Take Ted," I say as she heads over and scoops my little boy up. He's all cute little milk teeth and smiles. He spots Ray as Grace carries him out.
"Pop pop!" He shouts, clapping his hands.
I give Teddy one last smile before turning to Ray. He doesn't sit, just stands like a typical ex military man, hands behind his back at the moment.
"I'm really disappointed in you, Christian," he just says it. I'm floored. I open my mouth. I tried to get her to have a c section. Is he blaming me for Ana being gone? Like he thinks I don't blame myself enough as it is? I feel that familiar prickling under my skin, an anxious feeling crawling around.
"I'm sorry," I mumble. I am sorry. Not especially to Ray but I can be if he needs me to be. Jesus, what happened to me? I don't usually apologise for anything.
"How could you let her down like that?" He asks me a little more aggressively. I run my tongue over my top lip. My heart rate is picking up a little.
"They were the best doctors.. I.." I literally don't know what to say. Yes of course I'm carrying huge amounts of guilt I couldn't save her. But I don't know what he wants me to say.
"Not at the hospital. At the funeral. You couldn't get through a badly written two page speech?" He asks me. Okay. We're going to talk about that. I've thought about a lot of things these past few days but I hadn't specifically thought about that. It was embarrassing but being humiliated is frankly the last of my worries right now. I don't really care if the whole of Seattle is laughing at me.
"It was really hard," I say eventually.
"You supposedly loved her! It doesn't matter how hard it is! She's your wife. Why couldn't you do a reading for her?" Ray is shouting at me. My heart rate spirals. I know he is angry because he lost his daughter. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. My top lip is sweating and I lick it again. It's salty.
"I tried. I'm sorry," I sound pathetic. So fucking pathetic.
"Why not let someone else do it then? She is my daughter, I love her too," he shouts at me as I recoil a little into the sofa.
"You could have… I didn't know you wanted to," I say weakly, not looking at him but focusing on my shaking fingers.
"You let your family take over. Make all the decisions. She was my daughter!" His voice is getting louder. I know my mom will be just outside listening.
"I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't capable of making-"
"So why not involve me? I barely got a look in last week!" He continues to screech at me.
"If you spoke to my mom she would have-"
"You're 31 years old! Why would I be dealing with your mother? You didn't answer your phone once last week!" He continues to berate me.
"I just lost my wife!" I'm shouting suddenly and on my feet, currently an unusual position for me. "I'm sorry I wasn't taking your calls and doing all the admin you fucking wanted me to do!"
"I lost my daughter!" He shouts back. "But I kept it together for her. Because we were honouring her memory!"
My mom walks in and I spin around. I'm shaking all over by this point. I want to be sick. "Look, you're both grieving and you're doing it differently," she says in a very calm voice. She must have given Ted to Hope. But like my father on the day of the birth, I know she will fly for him if she needs to. Maybe Ray has been kept out but it's not been intentionally by me. Nothing I have done for the last two weeks has been intentional.
"You're an adult, Christian. You don't need your mommy and daddy to defend you," he says nastily to me. Now he's mocking me?
"Not normally no. But in case you forgot, my wife just died!" I yell at him again. My mom looks like she wants to speak.
"No I didn't because it is my daughter. She'd be so disappointed in you," he comes back at me.
"Fuck you." I speak quietly. It's the only response I can manage. I know I let her down. Especially at her funeral. But I can tell myself that. Repeatedly. I don't need someone else to do it for me.
"Ana wouldn't be disappointed in him," Grace says, unable to keep the anger from her voice. "She loves him. She's made him better at expressing his emotions. She'd be proud of him."
"No she wouldn't! He's pathetic," he snaps back at my mom. I know somewhere very deep down that he is just trying to find somewhere to place his anger at his daughter's death. But that doesn't help me right now. I've drawn my knees up to my chest and I'm struggling to control my breathing. I'm crying again. I don't want to be but right now I don't have a choice.
"He's not. He's just lost his wife," my mom is so mad. I've not seen her this mad since the night of my 28th birthday. "I know that you are both in a lot of pain," she says in a marginally more patient voice. "And I am sure at some point you need to talk. But he needs some time to sort himself out."
As evidenced by the fact I am rocking on her sofa having a panic attack and completely excused myself from this argument.
"Then maybe I should be getting some time with the children as he's clearly not able to take care of them like this," Ray says nastily.
"He has plenty of help to look after the children," Grace says firmly.
"Well perhaps shared custody might be an idea. So they have some of Ana's family involved too," he isn't like Ray at all. He's hurting but I'm mad now.
"Just because they've lost one parent doesn't mean they don't still have another. They are my children. The only way you get any look in on custody is if I die too!" I'm stood up again, my breathing still unsteady, my fists balled at my sides.
"I'm just suggesting that-"
"No! Fuck your suggestions. They're my kids. They may only have one parent but while they do, I'm not giving them up! So go get fucked!" I shout at him. My mom looks a little taken aback. "Get the fuck out!" I add for good measure. Ray glares at me.
"I suggest you need some help," he says as he storms by me.
"So do you! You insensitive bastard!" I shout at him as he leaves before throwing myself back on the sofa, face down and crying. My mom takes Ray out before coming back and rubbing my shoulder.
"Christian. That's two panic attacks I've watched you have now. Will you please speak to Dr Flynn?" She says quietly as I sob into the cushions of her sofa. I don't answer her. I know I need to speak to Dr Flynn but my priority right now is staying horizontal for as much as my time as possible.
The following day, my dad is on Christian watch. I don't really know why but they will not leave me alone. He's sat reading the paper as I watch Friends reruns. Having never watched it when it was first on, this is all new to me. I know Ana liked this show. There are parts I find funny although I'm not in a laugh out loud place. Teddy is taking a nap upstairs.
I'm actually dressed today in Adidas sweatpants and a black t shirt, rather than just my pyjamas which I have worn the rest of the week. My dad has just made me strawberry quick. I'm still smarting from yesterday with Ray. I understand he's angry about Ana's death. I get he's angry that I fucked up the reading. But he is no right to say I'm not doing a good job of parenting. I've spent time with Teddy every single day, Not like Ana would but I'm doing the best I can manage at the moment. Hope is there and so is my mom. I know Teddy and the baby are okay. I've not really seen her but I hear her crying and being soothed so I guess she is getting on just fine.
I push the thought of the baby out of my mind. Knowing she came into the world as Ana left is still difficult to comprehend. I'm yet to hold her and I don't know how I am going to cope with parenting her. My dad sets down his paper as the doorbell goes and heads through.
I sip my the milkshake looking up as my dad reappears a few minutes later. "Christian. Elena Lincoln is here to see you," my dad says slowly. She's not with him. I assume he's made her wait outside while he feels out what my response will be. If my mom had been with me she would likely have slapped her again and made her leave the property. My dad was exceptionally mad at me at the time. I think he was for many years. But right now, I think he just feels sorry for me and wants me to make my own decisions about who I want to see.
Elena. I haven't seen her since before Teddy was born. Nearly 3 years now. What the hell does she want with me now? Maybe just to see the state I'm in. Ana hated her. Do I really want to see her? I shrug a little at my father.
"Tell her she has ten minutes," I mutter at him as he gives me a slight nod, unable to hide the disappointment that I haven't told him to just tell her to fuck off. I make no effort to make myself look more presentable for her. My hair is long overdue being cut and is well into my eyes now. My sweatpants make me look scruffy although I've barely worn them as they live at my parents' house. I've brushed my teeth and showered this morning. What more can she expect?
I hear her heels on my parents' parquet flooring. I wriggle a little so I'm least sat up, my arms crossed over my chest. She looks much the same as last I saw her. Blond hair up. Red lipstick on. Tarty probably. She must be nearly 60 I guess since my parents are. My dad doesn't follow her in. He doesn't want to watch whatever this.
"Christian," she says in her warm tone. Warm to me now because she's unlikely to tie me up and beat me today. Well I hope not. That might just finish me off and give me a complete nervous breakdown. She uses my first name. One of the few people that call me that.
"Elena," I say looking up at her through my hair.
"You look awful," she tells me matter of factly.
"Thanks," I say darkly. Always a pleasure. "How can I help you?"
"I just came to see how you are," she asks me ignoring my tone.
"Well, you've answered your own question," I say crisply, giving her the most sarcastic look I can manage.
"I am very sorry for your loss, Christian," she says to me. I've no idea if she's genuine or not. Who cares?
"You didn't like Ana," I don't bother looking at her, reaching for the remote to mute Friends.
"I didn't like Ana as a match for you," she purrs at me. I want to gag. "I don't think she was a bad person and it's horrible what has happened."
"Okay," I say examining the stripes on my sweatpants so I don't have to look at her. She doesn't get to speak to me about Ana.
"Are you okay?" She says taking a seat at right angles to me. She's been here at least 3 minutes. I'm turfing her out soon.
"I'm fine, Elena. I can't sit here and tell you I'm great. But I'm fine and I'l be okay," I say stiffly. I want to know what she actually came for because no way is she here just to check I'm alright.
"Are your children okay?" She asks me.
"My children have nothing to do with you," I say abruptly. She looks a little surprised.
"It would be nice to see you again," she says slowly and I laugh. It's a weird noise. There's not been an awful lot to laugh about lately.
"Ana's body isn't even cold and you want back in my life? You think she's the only reason I kicked you out?" I ask her in disbelief. She looks… hurt maybe? Who can tell past the botox.
"Well she clearly was not my number one fan," Elena says smoothly.
"If Ana was the only reason, I sure as hell wouldn't betray her like that," I look her dead in the face. "But it isn't. I saw who you are. If someone did to my children what you did to me. I would kill them," I whisper the last sentence.
She purses her lips and stands. "Well, I'm sorry for your loss," she says curtly. "You're too soft for this world now, Christian. It's going to chew you up and spit you out."
"Okay," I say, giving her one of my winning smiles. She looks a little floored before stepping out.
My dad returns after a few minutes, setting down a cup of tea for himself and binging me a fresh milkshake. I thank him. I'm a little shook up she's been here but I'm okay. "We're not telling mom she came, right?"
"Absolutely not," my father says firmly, making me smile, but more genuinely. "What did she want?"
"She thinks that because Ana passed I'd want to be here friend again. Can you believe that?" I ask him.
"Yes. She likes to think she has an influence over you. Clearly," he's pensive. I shrug a little. She has no control over me. I should be angry for her coming in here today thinking that all would be forgiven. But I'm past caring. It doesn't really matter.
The next morning is punctuated only by a knock on the den door. I'm surprised. "Yeah?" I say looking up. I'm scrolling endlessly through the news on my phone, the TV making a numbing noise in the background.
"Mr Grey," Gretchen walks in, giving me a smile. I know she's fancied me pretty much since she started working for my parents. Ana didn't like her much, I think for that reason. Hopefully she won't also try an Elena Lincoln and move in on me now Ana has gone. "Do you mind if I clean in here?"
"Yeah sure, I can move," I say slowly starting to get up. I'm very conscious she can see the outline of my cock through my pyjama bottoms.
"You can stay," she says quickly as I look at where her gaze is. Are women now allowed to openly ogle me because I'm a widow? I mean they did before, but women I know did seem to try and rein it in while Ana was around.
I clear my throat. "Think I'm gonna go," I say firmly stepping out. It forces me to leave the room and for the first time since the funeral I decide to take in some fresh air. It's been five whole days. I walk through the kitchen where Hope is feeding Teddy in his high chair. He is happily eating pasta with his fingers, covered in tomatoes.
"I'm gonna take him," I tell Hope with a smile, getting some baby wipes to clean my little boy's face.
"Dada," he says delightedly, reaching up for me as I scoop him up. I check the shoe rack, grabbing a pair of my sneakers and find his little Nike trainers by the back door. I sit him down so put them on, pulling the velcro firmly. "We run outside?" He beams at me as he stands, taking my hand as I nod, letting him do his little run down mom and dad's back steps.
They have a huge grass area which is perfect for Ted. I go and grab a ball and kick it very gently towards him. Instead of kicking it back he picks it up and runs with it, laughing loudly. I give chase, catching him up and making him squeal and drop the ball. I kick it again as he runs for it.
We play for around half an hour before sitting on the grass, him curled up in my lap. "Where is mommy?" He asks me as I gulp air in fast. I don't know how much Hope and my mom have said because I haven't got involved in this.
"Mommy…" I say slowly, feeling my eyes start to well up. "Mommy is.. Well mommy died."
"What died?" Teddy looks at me. His face is so innocent. So beautiful. He has light freckles just like Ana from the sunshine.
"It means she has gone to heaven. So she won't come back," I say slowly.
"Ever?" Teddy asks me as I try and swallow back the lump in my throat.
"No, Teddy. She. Her heart. It stopped beating," I say shakily. He is clearly confused more than upset right now. I swallow again.
"Why?" He asks me. His blue eyes are so wide.
"Because she lost a lot of blood. And we need blood to keep our heart beating," I explain. I've read a bit online and I know I need to try and be factual. Teddy knows some body parts. He knows what a heart is. Knows what blood is.
"Will I die?" He asks me.
"No, Ted. No for a very long time," I can't hold back tears now, one is running down my cheek which I quickly dash away.
"Will you die?" He asks and I can see confusion is turning to upset.
"No, Teddy. I won't," I whisper as he starts crying.
"So's all gone?" He asks, I can see devastated.
"Yes, baby," I kiss his hair as he cries. I cry too. It feels cathartic.
"I'm sad," he says looking up at me, his face all wet with tears. I wipe some with my thumb.
"So am I," I reply as I cuddle him in close. After about ten minutes though, he's up again. I know this is going to be lots of conversations, he can't process this yet in one. But I'm glad I've taken the first step, not had a panic attack and covered him in snot.
The final visitor of my week is Taylor. Teddy is with me when he arrives. He's had another cry this morning but seems in relatively good spirits, colouring in on the sofa. I watch him colour all over a picture of a space ship, none of the lines filled in. It makes me smile at the big blue and green streaks.
"Mr Grey," Taylor says warmly as he walks in. This is the first visitor neither of my parents have had to warn me about. "Hey, Teddy, how are you?" Teddy gives him a high five, covering Taylor is green felt tip at the same time. He has a kid. I know he won't care.
"What's up?" I ask pulling Teddy on to my lap as the felt tips are getting dangerously close to my mom's sofa.
"I just came to see how you are," he takes a seat opposite me.
"Gail send you?" I ask him. Taylor definitely does care about me but he is the kind of man who isn't going to admit this easily.
"Yes and I did want to see you too," he looks embarrassed just telling me this.
"Well, I'm happy to see you," I surprise myself. But it's not a lie. I've really missed him the last week. We spend every single day together. I'm his boss so we're not friends. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel some sort of affection for him. We're close.
Taylor looks a bit more embarrassed. He's less in touch with any emotions than me. "So how are you getting on?"
I sigh. Teddy throws one felt tip on the floor and Taylor sees my face and picks it up, putting a lid on for me. Don't really want my mom's carpet covered in pen either. "I need lello," Teddy says, climbing off my lap to sort through his pile of pens.
"I'm obviously not okay," I say eventually to Taylor as Teddy finds the pen he is looking for and carries on scribbling. "But. I am going to come home soon. I have to face things."
"You do eventually. But you don't need to rush," he adds as I nod, watching Teddy turn the page to an alien, which he starts colouring in with the black felt tip. I put the lid on the yellow.
"I know. But I need to come home. Sort my shi- stuff out," I quickly correct myself remembering Teddy is right there, creating an alarming looking alien with huge red streaks all over it now.
"You're not going to rush back to work are you?" Taylor asks, and I know it comes from a place of huge concern.
"Probably not for a couple more weeks. Why is everything okay?" I ask quickly, my heart rate picking up. I feel my leg start to shake.
"Everything is fine," Taylor says at once, his eye on my leg. "I know it's not my place sir." I know what he is going to say, the same thing my mom keeps badgering me about. "Please talk to your therapist about.. this," he gestures at my leg. I sigh a little.
"I'm fine," I say, sticking the lid on the black pen and putting it in the collection, slumping against the pillows. I feel like Taylor can see my racing heart. Like I have huge sign on me showing my heart rate.
"Mr Grey, when I left the military I sought help for PTSD. You don't need to be embarrassed," he says firmly as I nod. Nope, just another fucked up thing about me.
"Fav-right colour?" Teddy asks me looking up.
"Pink,"I say with a small smile in his direction. "I'm not ready to talk about it," I add to Taylor.
"They could give you some medication though. Help you get on top of the physiological symptoms," he says gently as I sigh. It would be good to get rid of the racing heart and crippling nausea and breathing issues. I nod, letting him show himself out.
By Thursday, I've been at my parents a whole week. I'm sat up on the sofa for a change when my mom comes in with the baby. She's fussing a little but my mom is soothing her well. I look at the baby as she lays in my mom's arms. I notice she has a small amount of dark hair, a bit like Ana's. I watch my mom with her for a bit.
"Do you want to hold her, Christian?" My mom suggests as I shake my head, turning back to the TV. "Christian. She just has one parent. And you've still not held her. Please hold her," my mom is imploring. I look at the baby again and sigh a little.
"Okay," I hold out my arms for her, letting my mom pass her over. My little girl feels heavy in my arms. A good heavy. She smells lovely. Her face looks a lot like Ana's. Rather more scrunched up of course. But she is beautiful. I can see her blue eyes. She stops fussing as I hold her close to my chest. My heart is beating against her.
"You know you're late registering the birth," my mom says gently as I hold my baby closely. I nod. "Are you still going for Phoebe?"
I shake my head. "I suggested it. I don't think she's Phoebe," I mutter.
"What about Ana?" Mom asks me as I feel tear run down my nose. It splashes on my newborn's face and I quickly wipe it with my thumb.
"I can't. I resent her enough for taking Ana," I mumble, embarrassed to admit me feelings.
"It's not her fault," Grace moves to sit next to me, squeezing my shoulder.
"I know," I mumble. I do want to honour Ana though, even if this baby can't be an Ana. "Ana's middle name was Rose," I say slowly.
"That's a lovely name," my mom says giving me a smile. I look down at the baby in my arms. She's settled, about to drift off. I'm still resentful but I definitely feel affection. This is my little girl. She has no mom. I have to protect her and step up. Be a good father.
"Rose Grey," I say quietly. "I like it."