Thank you for the lovely reviews. We're starting on some steps to recovery now but it won't be without set backs
I feel a little more together by February. I'm certainly in more of a routine. Teddy seems more settled too. He hasn't asked me about Ana much. I talk about her every day with them, especially before bed. Rose is now sitting up which I'm excited about. She babbles constantly and waves her little hands at me whenever I arrive in the room.
I've been visiting Flynn weekly and keeping on top of my meds. I no longer feel sick from the Celexa which is positive, but I still want to sleep an unusual amount for me. She's been gone six months yet I still cuddle her pillow to my body each night to sleep. I say goodnight to her every night.
"I think I'm still struggling with…" I trail off in a late February session with Flynn. Depression. I'm struggling with depression. Why can't I even say the word? If it was anyone else in my life I cared about I would be telling them to get help. So why am I not asking for it properly?
"You're bound to still miss her," Flynn says, missing what I am talking about. Probably because I've just spent the last ten minutes talking about cuddling pillow Ana.
"Yeah.." I look down at my feet. "I'm really depressed."
"Okay. Well that's good you're saying it," Flynn nods looking at me. I don't meet his eyes, just gaze at my sneakers. I push the toe against the carpet.
"Yeah. I just I miss her. And I feel so lonely. Like my family are there. And Gail and Taylor. But I just want someone to cuddle at night. I've never wanted that before Ana," I twist my fingers together. I can't get up in the mornings but I often struggle to fall asleep. I want someone there. A woman.
I know Flynn wants to talk about the depression but he always lets me guide a conversation once I'm talking. "Have you considered dating?"
I laugh. Who the fuck would want to go out with me? The depressed guy who is liable to cry at any moment. Besides, where would I even meet a woman? I'm not interested in a sub and even if I was, I wouldn't want Elena involved.
"Don't you think at some point you might want to get back out there?" Flynn asks me as I pull a face. Ana was my one.
"No. I've had the love of my life. She's gone," my voice cracks. I've actually managed this whole session without crying. Don't start now.
"So is it sex you're looking for?" Flynn asks me. I shift. I'm so ashamed of myself for wanting this. She's only been gone six months. I know I'm betraying her by even having these thoughts. I feel so much guilt. My sex drive hasn't been high since the Celexa but I'm still craving intimacy. She opened my world to intimacy and I want that now. Not cold, hard BDSM. I want to be intimate.
I don't answer Flynn, just examine my fingers. My heart rate is picking up a little. I'm anxious. I'm letting Ana down.
"You are allowed to want to have sex. It's not like she died a week ago. It's been a good while now," he says as my knee starts to shake a little. Well if I do this trying to get a woman into bed I'll undoubtedly be successful, I think darkly.
"Even if I did," I refuse to admit what I want. "I don't want to go out. I need an NDA. I don't want… it all over Seattle."
"Is there someone you know that you trust?" He suggests as I look at him with eyes narrowed. I know precious few women. Gail, obviously not. She's married to Taylor. Ros is a lesbian. Andrea is my assistant. Naomi… well she doesn't work directly with me anymore but it's inappropriate. Gretchen.. ew. Elena. Fuck no.
"Nope," I say simply staring past him. I'm not going there anymore.
"You mentioned one of Ros' friends a couple of weeks ago," he muses. Oh good, he remembers a passing comment I made about a girl called Emily who was at a work event. She spoke to me and I think she fancied me. I mentioned it to Flynn solely because I was explaining women seem to think it's okay to make a pass at me now.
"I don't think your job is to set me up," I say stiffly as he gives me a small smile. Is he laughing at me? Yeah, you're being pathetic Grey. Everyone probably thinks it.
"Why don't we talk about your depression," he suggests. I let out a long, low sigh.
"I don't know what to say. I have moments where I feel amazing. Like when Rose laughs or I'm playing with Teddy. But I just feel flat the rest of the time. Like everything is just a fucking… waste," I mumble. "And I don't know, John. Maybe I was always a little depressed and then Ana made my life exciting. Maybe I was just boring. But other than being with my kids. I enjoy… nothing. Zilch. And I think it's why I don't want to go to work or get up."
Flynn just nods at me. He wants me to keep talking. God, what else do I have to say? "I don't enjoy doing deals or board meetings or even playing my piano. I hate my own company. More than I ever did. When I try and watch a movie. I can't focus. I just want to sit and stare. I like seeing my mom and dad but then sometimes I'm not with them. Mentally, I mean."
He leaves me the longest pause. I have nothing else I want to say. I look at him, hoping he can produce a magic wand to wipe this away. Make me feel excited again. Make me yearn for something more than cuddles with Ana.
"So you need to focus on what you enjoy. Spending time with your children," he says as I nod. Yes, but they're not with me 24 hours a day. They need to nap too. And I'm at work and miss a bunch. There's that huge yawning gap in the evening from 8pm when they fall asleep until 1am when I usually drift off. I miss them in the mornings because I can't get my sorry ass out of bed. I've been rolling into work around ten.
"What should I do about sleeping?" I ask him eventually.
"That's really common with depression. But you need to practice better sleep hygiene. What time are you going to bed? What are you doing once you're there?" He asks me.
"I guess I go to bed about 11?" I sigh. "Then I either play on my phone or watch some Netflix. Sometimes I… masturbate. If I feel in the mood." Flynn knows I enjoy this. It's not news anymore.
"I think given you want to rise at 6 heading to bed at 11 is far too late. Some adults need more sleep than others. But even at least I would suggest 6-7 hours," he continues. I seem to need a full 8 at the moment. Even then I can barely function. On weekends lately I've been getting 12. And I still feel tired all the time.
"I think your phone and the TV are obstructions. The back lights aren't good for your brain when you're unwinding. You could try a book or some mindful exercises instead," he continues. "I don't think masturbation is an issue. That will help you relax." Sometimes. Unless I get upset about Ana then it really doesn't. Then I have a good cry. Although the crying eventually seems to send me to sleep so perhaps it does work.
"I'm going to send you some links to some mindful exercises. And I'm also going to refer you for some blood tests. Just to make sure nothing else is going on," he continues, writing on his pad in the absence of a response from me.
"Okay, thank you," I sigh a little.
"I think getting on top of the sleep could help you to find motivation elsewhere," he explains. I give him another nod and thank him for the session, heading home to my kids.
It's 6pm when I get home and they're having dinner. Rose is starting to try solids and is really enjoying anything with fruit in, but turning her nose up at the pureed veggies. She makes me smile as she pulls little faces. I picture her tiny face trying pureed carrots at the weekend. I thought she would love them as they are sweet but she was entirely unimpressed. She is having a pureed chicken and veg tonight and seems to enjoy them mixed with chicken. I watch Hope scrape a little off her chin as I sit at the counter.
"Are you hungry, Mr Grey?" Gail asks me. Teddy is working on a lasagne under her watchful eye. I nod as Gail makes me up a plate of lasagne and salad.
"How's your day been, Ted?' I ask once I have thanked Gail for the food. At least I still have a good appetite. Too good probably. It's probably a good thing I don't have anyone to see me naked. I haven't been to a gym in months.
"Good. I had numbers today," he explains as I give him a smile. He's just learning to count at daycare at the moment and he loves it. He's so smart just like his mommy.
"And what numbers did you learn?" I ask him as he holds all his fingers up.
"Ten?" I ask him and he shakes his head. Okay…
"My toes, daddy," he explains. I can't see his feet so I had no idea. Amateur hour clearly.
"Ah 20. That's a big number Ted," I give him a broad smile.
"Yes. 20 toes," he nods and I smile. Not quite but he's still learning. I take them up for their bath after dinner. We have a toy which rotates with water on the side of the tub. Teddy is busy splashing water in as I wash Rose in her bath chair. She babbles loudly at me, making lots of new sounds very day. I can't wait for her to speak already. I know she is far too young but I'm already excited.
I get them out and wrap them in hooded towels, sitting them on the bath mat as I drain the tub. I used to watch Ana do all of this with Teddy and was hardly ever hands on. Now I try and do bath time every single night. It's a lot of fun if you don't mind getting absolutely soaked.
I get them through to the nursery to dress them. I bite my lip as I come to the closet. They're no longer wearing clothes Ana chose. Ana had picked clothes for Rose to about six months, but she is too big for even the largest romper now. Teddy long since outgrew his last Ana picked clothes. I take a deep breath getting their diapers on and selecting a white romper my mom chose for Rose and blue jammies for Ted.
I haven't been able to go clothes shopping for them yet. I know I need to. I picked clothes for Ted before Ana died so I don't even know why I'm finding it hard now. I leave clothes up to my mom or Ray if he is gifting something to the children. I feel stupid but it pains me to be choosing how to dress our children alone.
I kiss each of them goodnight, switching on the mobile and heading to the living room. I flick the TV on, mindlessly scrolling through channels, uninspired by anything available to watch. I pull my phone out to text Ana's mom. I know it's probably late there but she still hasn't replied to me about flying down to Georgia with the kids.
What about next weekend? 27 Feb to 1 March?
I must have asked her about six weekends now. I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time. I haven't told Teddy because I don't want to get his hopes up of seeing Granny. Taylor has been instructed to get the plane ready countless times only for it to be stood down again. I rest my head against my hand, gazing at the screen. I tap my fingers against my phone. I'm so bored. I cannot focus.
Do you have Emily's number?
I text Ros and know I will regret it. It's that itchy, anxiety fuelled boredom that makes me do it. I know it's not the right thing to do. But it's just sex right? I'm not asking for a relationship. Well, maybe see if Ros will give me the number. And if this girl is even up for screwing me.
My phone pings twice, almost simultaneously. Both Ros and Carla have text me.
Sounds great. Do you want to stay with us?
Emily says I can share her details. Be nice
I'm shocked by both texts. Firstly that Carla has actually agreed upon a date. And secondly that Emily actually wants me to text her. I'm less shocked I've been told to be nice. Not that Ros has any ideas about my sordid past with my submissives. But I expect she sees how I treat people in the office. I reply to Carla first, confirming we'll get a hotel before hovering over Emily's contact card. I take a deep breath.
I must write 50 texts before settling on one to send. It sounds nothing like me but then my current behaviour is nothing like me.
Hey, it's Christian Grey. Ros gave me your number. Fancy getting a drink/dinner sometime?
I watch the green bar slide across the screen before locking my phone and setting it down next to me. Maybe she won't even reply to me. I tap the TV remote against my leg, a nervous twitch. I check in a few minutes to see if Carla has replied. She hasn't so I email Taylor the dates, ask him to get the jet set up and to book a hotel.
Hey, Christian Grey…. That sounds fun. What are you at tomorrow?
Shit. Tomorrow? I mean free as I am every night since I can't be bothered to attend events any more. I managed one thing for Ros in January. Where she sat me next to Emily. I want to be home to settle the kids usually. Hmm. Need to think about that. I sigh, my fingers hovering over the keyboard again. Fuck it.
Tomorrow is good. I can do 8.30 onwards as I have to settle my kids. What about Spinasse?
She agrees right away and I email Taylor to book the restaurant as well. I can't quite believe I am actually going to do it. I've known Emily for a long time, mostly in passing at events and through Ros as the two are good friends. I send Taylor a further email to prepare an NDA. She moves in my circles. She will expect this. I don't bother to brief her.
I am of course anxious the entire night. I've started my increased doses and I'm annoyed they won't instantly fix me. I fall asleep eventually at 3am. I awake at 12. What the fuck? I'm used to arriving at work late but this is taking the piss. I check my phone and see Ros has text me around 11.
You end up seeing Emily last night? Where are you? Is everything okay?
I reply quickly, telling her I will work from home and get ready quickly, logging on in my study. I spend a busy few hours on emails before going to see my kids at four. By 8 I am getting ready for my… date? No, this is perfunctory to fulfil a need. I just want to fuck her and be done with it. That is all this has been my entire adult life. Well except Ana. Oh Ana. Are you mad at me?
My heart thumps as I button my shirt. I don't think I'd feel so bad if I was setting something up with a submissive. Except I would. I'd feel horrible because I changed for Ana. Imagine just changing right back after she goes? All that growth she worked on with me, gone. But is this any better? I feel like I'm cheating on Ana. I bite my finger hard, drawing blood.
I stand in front of the mirror, sucking it until the blood stops. I've not put a comb through my hair yet today. It's hanging in my eyes. Well below actually. How I've decided I like it now. Once my finger stops bleeding, I grab a navy blue tie, shrugging on a charcoal suit jacket and combing my hair. You're such an arsehole, I tell my reflection.
I run my fingers through my hair to give it a messy look, slide my phone in my pants' pocket and walk out the room. Taylor is driving me to the restaurant. I grab the NDA he's left on the side, folding it and putting it inside my jacket pocket and follow him into the elevator. He's not looking at me but I feel like he's judging me. Like he thinks this is too fast. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. But six months is a long time for me to go without sex.
The restaurant is an upscale, Italian place that I have visited on many occasions. Mostly with Elena. I gulp a little. I hope she's not here. Emily is waiting for me in the foyer. She has a leather jacket over a short black dress, showing off long legs. She has wavy brunette hair which tumbles just past her breasts. She wears dark lipstick and smiles when she sees me.
I've never noticed Emily was hot until about a month ago, although I've easily known her 6 or 7 years. Mainly because I wasn't interested as she was clearly never submissive material and when I decided I no longer needed that, I was with Ana and she was all I ever wanted. I kiss her cheek. She smells good. Something floral.
We are taken to a table in a quiet corner, away from other diners as I specifically requested. If anyone here recognises me, they don't stare. It is absolutely not that kind of place. I take a seat opposite her, glancing at the wine list.
"We'll do the degustazione with the optional wine pairing," I say to the waiter pretty much straight away. He seems surprised but makes a note on his pad, pouring us both some water. Emily looks surprised as well. She raises an eyebrow at me. "You get to try everything that way," I tell her as she gives me a tight smile.
"I had no idea you were this forward on dates too," she says looking at me seriously. I blink.
"Sorry," I mutter as she shrugs. "Look, since I'm being forward."
"You have an NDA?" She asks me. There is a twinkle in her eye this time. She looks amused.
"Yeah," I say slowly, unfolding it and passing it to her. She doesn't read it, just signs the bottom and passes it back to me regarding me carefully.
"So, what's the secret?" She asks. I admire the candor in her tone.
Normally there would be a huge secret at this point. But that isn't coming out tonight. I'm just covering myself. Beyond that I really don't have much to share. "My lawyer just insists on it," I shrug slightly as she thanks the waiter for our first glass of wine and dish.
I nod at him, gazing back at her. She has brown eyes. I'm relieved. Ana's were blue and I'm not sure I could look into another set of blue eyes. I chew my lip. This is kind of awkward.
"I'm surprised you asked me here," she comments as she cuts her food slowly.
"Really?" I place a forkful of prosciutto in my mouth. Did she think I didn't like Italian food or?
"I don't think you want to come out to eat, do you?" She's grinning at me now. Oh.
"I'm not looking for a relationship," I say flatly once I've swallowed my food.
"I know. You told me last month. You're looking for sex," she really is amused by me. I was a bit tipsy last time but I don't recall telling her I was looking for sex.
"I said that?" I ask her, stabbing a piece of melon with my fork.
"Not exactly, no. You were just slightly more subtle," she really is amused with me. She places her fork down. I contemplate what she's said. I assume if she wasn't up for sleeping with me she wouldn't be here, so that's good. Expectations have been set.
"And you're okay with that?" I ask her. If she thinks there is more than a means to an end here, I am in trouble.
"I'm fine with that," she says calmly. "I just figured you'd ask to come straight to my house to do it and leave." It was that easy? She should have said.
"You really didn't expect me to take you out first?" I ask calmly once our first plates have been cleared. I finish my glass of wine. Is drinking a good idea? Hopefully I can stop. I managed in January. I'm sure I can do it here.
"No. I don't really go on dates," she shrugs as I watch her intently. Um… where is this going?
"Why not?" I ask as she thanks the waiter for our next course, zucchini in carpione. The mint smells good. I grab a fresh knife and fork.
"I'm aromantic," she gives me a playful smirk. I furrow my brow. I've heard of it, but I'm clueless. I should probably do better to understand these things. After all, my tastes have certainly not always been straightforward.
"What does that mean?" I'm far more abrupt that I intend to be. I shove a piece of zucchini in my mouth and wait.
"It means lots of things to different people, Christian," she says cutting her meal. I watch her before glancing back at her face. My first name coming out of her mouth turned me on. Her mouth. I hope I can fuck it. Jesus. Six months is too long. "It's a spectrum," she continues as I chew my food. "I have no interest in romantic relationships. But I am interested in sex," she shrugs. "I'm surprised you didn't know."
"Why would I know?" I ask slowly. People don't have to declare their sexuality, why should I know?
"I think it might be why Ros sat us together last month," she gives me the smallest smirk. Unlikely. Ros had no idea I was looking and if Emily had been interested in me, Ros wouldn't have encouraged it until she knew my feelings on the matter. She will have sat us together solely because we knew each other and as it was mostly Ros' side of the business and her connections, I didn't know a whole lot of people.
"Perhaps," I appease her. Definitely should have skipped dinner and fucked instead. Ah well. Live and learn.
We spend the rest of the evening talking amiably. I give her a half hour speech on why my children are the best people in the entire world. She gives me a half hour lecture on head hunting, where she has her own business. I know she's put some key people in GEH in the past, again mostly on Ros' side. I pay the bill at the end and we head outside. Taylor is waiting.
"Who's place are we going to?" She asks me. At least this is back on track.
"Yours," I say firmly as Taylor opens the car door for us. "I have kids at mine. They're liable to stroll right in." She looks surprised but doesn't pass comment. I slide in next to her as she gives Taylor her address. He already has it. He will have sent it when he instructed the NDA.
Her apartment is huge. Not Escala huge but still, I can tell her business is successful. I glance around. The decor is not to my taste. It's all light and florals. It doesn't really matter since I'm not here for a house viewing. She offers me a glass of wine and I decline. I've had enough with dinner. I need to be able to stop.
"No, do you have a juice?" I ask her as I follow her to her kitchen area. She pours me a glass of orange juice which I sip. Surely we should be ripping each other's clothes off? Maybe this is just sex in your 30s. Who knows.
"I'll show you my room," she says guiding me back to a large bedroom. Her home overlooks Lake Union. The water looks… cold. What a weird thought since I'm clearly not planning on taking a dip. I swallow. This is it. She reaches up for my jacket, helping me slide it off my shoulders. I'm surprised when my body doesn't tense as she touches my shoulders. Ana has been touching me for years. My family do now. But still. I feel nothing.
I let the jacket fall to the floor and reach up to cup her face. My lips find hers and I close my eyes. The kiss is chaste at first before she pushes her tongue against my lips. We explore each other's mouths. Her hands are in my hair. I don't care. She pushes me back towards her bed. Uh uh. She is not taking charge here. I turn her and push her backwards onto the bed.
She falls back and lays on her bed. I'm stood over her. She looks up at me. All sultry and seductive. I run my tongue over my lip which is covered in her lipstick. Hmm. I gaze down at her. Her hair is splayed around her. I kneel over her, helping her get her jacket off. The dress unbuttons at the front and I slowly start to work my way down it, using my fingers on the buttons and mouth to kiss down her body. She moans.
I reach the bottom of the dress and open it up to expose her bare skin. She has a black, lace bra on with matching panties. I can see her nipples clearly. I am aware at this point something isn't happening. My cock is doing nothing. I continue to kiss her, moving my mouth across her breasts, nipping and kissing through the lace.
"I think we're a little unmatched," she murmurs as she sits up. I reach round and undo the clasp on her bra. I'm sort of sat on the bed with her. She reaches for my tie, unfastening it and discarding it. She opens my top button. I take a sharp intake of breath. I'm fine. I'm fine.
She works down the next two buttons. I want to stop her but what if she moves to my pants? Things are very much not happening down there. I need some more stimulation. I gaze at her near naked body and push her backwards again on her bed. I put my thumbs in the waistband of her panties to pull them down. I'm about to spread her legs when she reaches for the waistband of my pants.
Oh god. She unfastens them as my heart starts to thump. This is not good. But it's going to happen any minute. I'm sure of it. As she pulls down my pants she brushes her fingers against my cock in my boxers. And nothing happens. Fuck. Now I'm panicking. Don't panic, it's not going to help, I tell myself desperately.
I can't tell if she's noticed. Of course she's fucking noticed. It's really fucking obvious in just my boxers. Fucking shit. I nudge her back a third time. She's naked. I have a shirt and boxers on. I kiss her breasts again and she moans. Okay, she likes this. I move my mouth over her, nipping her collar bone.
We kiss again and she touches my shoulders. That is not the problem here. Scared she's about to reach between my legs I start to move down. My tongue is swirling, dipping in her navel and reaching down there. I kiss her between her legs, my mouth finding its target and starting a slow caress. She groans loudly, pushing up toward me. I place my hands on her hips. I know I am good at this.
My tongue continues its work. I slide a finger in her. She's really wet. Oh god. And my dick is doing precisely nothing. Nada. I'm a heterosexual man. Surely a wet pussy in my face is an instant hard on? Fuck. I place two fingers in her and as I curl them she comes in my mouth. She has her hands in my hair, releasing me so I can sit. Well, that was too quick.
She kisses me again, her tongue is in my mouth. It feels like there are too many tongues in there. My head is spinning a little. It's just the alcohol. You're fine. I keep telling myself and then her hand is there. She holds my limp, lifeless cock. Kill me.
"Whoa, did you come already?" She asks me as I raise an eyebrow,
"No," I say firmly. She has her hands in my boxers now. Oh no no no no no.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine. Give me a minute," I say, unable to keep irritation from my voice but I know it's actually a mixture of shame and anxiety. I don't want to be here. I want to go home. I want my bed. I want to shut down and forget this ever happened. She's holding my cock.
"Lay down," she says firmly. This time she nudges me back. Oh I don't want this. I comply at first, letting her slide my boxers down. She puts my soft cock in her mouth. And still nothing happens. I let this happen for all of 30 seconds before I stand abruptly, nearly knocking her off the bed.
"I want to go home," I announce. I'm sweaty. A mixture of embarrassment and building anxiety. I grab my boxers from the floor where she discarded them moments ago and pull them on.
"Are you okay?" She asks me. My breathing is fast. I grab my pants, nearly putting two legs down one leg before eventually dragging them up. My fingers are trembling as I fasten the button.
"Yes," I say through gritted teeth. Gritted to try and keep some semblance of normality and not have a panic attack in front of her. "Look," I say as I grab my jacket. "I'm sorry. I thought I was ready. I'm not."
Her face is a picture of concern. She's so hot. Crazy hot. And if she isn't turning me on, no one is going to. It's not her. It's me. I am absolutely not ready to deal with this yet. Six months is far too soon. Maybe long enough for some people. It's not right for me. I hold my forehead a moment, willing my thoughts to just fucking behave themselves so I can get out of here.
"Okay. I hope you are okay," she adds slowly.
"I'm fine," I snap at her. I need to get out. I cannot keep a lid on this.
"Text me if you change your mind," she says standing. No, don't follow me. She's still naked. I hold my head desperately. I won't change my mind. Because it's not just my mind. And I also never want to see her again. This is fucking humiliating.
"Yeah," I manage. I walk through, grabbing the door and jumping in the elevator. I'm gripping the rail. My knuckles are white. Breathe. Flynn has given you so many techniques. Fucking use one. My head is swirling. I'm dizzy.
I stumble from the elevator. Taylor is parked metres from the door. I jump in the passenger seat of the Q7. It's the easiest to get to. Taylor looks surprised. "That was quick," he comments. I know he immediately regrets it the second he sees my face. I put my head between my knees, gasping for breath. My eyes are burning, tears are dropping onto the carpet in the footwell. Fuck this.
"Breathe in. Slowly," Taylor says, calm as ever as I try and gasp. "Slowly out." I release it a little slower. He instructs on my next breaths until I get the breathing under control. I'm still for a moment before getting back out very fast and vomiting all over the bonnet of my own car. Taylor doesn't even react, just gets out and walks around to stand with me. No one is around. He doesn't need to shield me.
Taylor passes me some tissue to wipe my mouth before getting a bottle of water from the back of the car and passing it to me. I wash my mouth out, spitting onto the sidewalk. I'm just crying now. The anxiety is under control. All the food is out. "Get in the car," Taylor instructs me firmly, kind of like a father might. The back door is open and I slide in. He uses another bottle of water to wash the worst of my vomit off the bonnet, lest it spray up over the windscreen when we set off. I clutch my head, letting the tears drip on my knees.
Taylor gets back in. He is itching to ask what has happened. Not from a nosy point of view. From a point of genuine concern, I know it.
"Do you need me to do anything?" He asks eventually. He hasn't started the car yet. He is turned, looking at me as I peep up through my hair.
"Take me home, please," I mumble. I am massively not over Ana. I know for a fact I was right with what I told Flynn. I do want to have sex. I do want to cuddle. I don't want to go in my playroom. Or whip someone. Or tie them up. But I want to cuddle and make love to her. Not some other faceless woman.