Ruby Florabel Branwen-Rose fell flat on her ass and shrieked as she was pushed, her broken leg tweaking painfully beneath her. Weiss stared at her, wide-eyed (not dead), one hand to her (not dead) lips, somehow not (not) dead (dead). Weiss casually (as casually as one could, at least) slipped the sword out of her thigh with a long hiss and exhale, not unlike how uncle Qrow would hiss and exhale after taking a long draught of a liquor that, when Ruby had tried it, had her smelling burnt hair. That sound usually heralded a long, harrowing story about Qrow and her mom, or Qrow and her mum, or Qrow and Uncle Tai, or Qrow and one of many, many made-up women that he liked to brag about banging.

"Dost thou… fancy me? Or art thou simply obsessed with defiling me further?"

Ruby reeled, remembering Weiss was actually the worst person ever despite having very soft, very— awful, disgusting, nasty, yucky lips. Unfortunately, she was quite content upstairs on account of obviously being siphoned again, so she wasn't clawing Weiss' eyes out like she should've been.

"Ugh," Ruby scoffed, recovering from her shock. "You wish, princess."

"Princess?" Weiss repeated, briefly aghast, before a moment of thought brought her an expression of fresh content. "Verily, I am rather fond of such a moniker."

Ruby rolled her eyes and extended her arms. "Help me up, zombie princess. We've got… things to get. Whatever they were."

Handling her like roadkill (and with obviously exaggerated grunts at Ruby's weight), Weiss warily lifted the raven Faunus to her feet. "Relics," she recalled, looking at their immediate surroundings of ancient stone brickwork. "Likely from a thing like this."

Ruby looked around, too, finding her and Weiss standing in what looked to be the remnants of a stone tower— an old watch post or something, judging by the singularity of it. It was little more than a circular platform with a quarter of chest-high, broken wall, now, greened sporadically with fat patches of moss and vascularized with bright green vines.

"How time taketh beauty," Weiss mused, drawing intensely raised eyebrows from her (ugh, might as well get used to it) partner. "What? Thinkest thou mine only interest be pestering thee?"

Ruby shrugged, leaning on the wall as she expectantly extended her arm for Weiss' support. Taller than her partner, it probably looked like she was inviting Weiss for a big, condescending hug, but the not-dead girl wormed herself under Ruby's feathered arm anyways, scowling.

"So… what," Ruby supposed. "You're some kind of vampire? With just a little Aura, death is nothing to you?"

Weiss shrugged Ruby off the wall, limping her partner along through the forest. Ruby stared at her bloodied face. The weird thing Ruby did— because the pleasant post-siphon nothingness in her head made it easy to do weird things— was to extract the periwinkle handkerchief with her free hand and gently daub Weiss' cheek with it. The now slightly less bloodied girl had no outward reaction, but Ruby could feel a warmth coming to her cheeks.

"Aye," Weiss confirmed, pointedly not looking at Ruby. "I believe the physicians hath named it 'somatic animaphagia'."

"Body eats Soul?" Ruby collated, remembering her anatomy classes. "Your own and others'?"

Weiss nodded, her lips pursed.

"And why the obsession with my mouth, then?" Ruby asked, teasingly wiggling her brows. "Always hand-on-mouth, mouth-on-mouth, do you just—"

Weiss roughly palmed her face, getting a goofy chuckle from Ruby. "N-nay!" she denied, probably lying, because Weiss had recently taught her that she was a natural-born kisser— that, or they were both equally bad. "Tis simply the largest, most permeable area of access to the interior. I could siphon from thy flesh, but the outer skin is a formidable insulator."

"But Aura's on the outside."

"And I like my meals from the source."

Ruby shuddered at her dark tone, her face feeling warm, then blinked at her own reaction. "R-right. Yes. That makes sense. I think."

Weiss, apparently keen on torturing her partner, asked without pause: "And what about thee, Florabel? Whyfor seemest so keen on enabling mine imbibement?"

Ruby knew what all those words meant, but sheepishly chuckled and looked away like she didn't. "Ahah, Weiss, uh…"

"Dost thou like it?"

Ruby's entire chest caved in on itself and she coughed, agitating the litany of broken ribs there. Weiss snaked closer with her unbearable face and its unbearable smirk and her one unbearable eye, boring her smugness into Ruby.

"N-no," Ruby claimed, looking away. "I don't."

"Thou wert kissing me like thou dost."

"Fine!" she relented. "Maybe… look, it helps with my Gille's, okay? It… I don't tic out for a while after, so… it… lets me be normal, I guess. Whatever." Even more sheepishly, she added, "And… so what if it… y'know… feels nice. It doesn't, like, mean anything."

Ruby felt her bruise-crowned collar pulse as if to mock her. Weiss, who had boldly interrogated her with so much confidence, merely bobbed her head and let out a dismissive noise of acknowledgement. They walked. Uncomfortably.

For about twenty minutes, they didn't make a sound.

A little more than twenty minutes later, they were making many sounds, none of them nice ones. Mostly 'OH GOD' or 'SHIT' or the classic, throat-tickling 'Fuck!' from Weiss, which seemed to be one of the few words she regularly used in contemporary style.

Was this because they were having another romp of inexpert hanky-panky and bordering-on-violent teeth-on-flesh play?

Does Weiss Schnee believe in peace, love, and coexistence? Does Ruby Florabel Branwen-Rose have any wholesome, non-questionable parental figures? Her brain churning, gears grinding, smoke figuratively climbing from her ears, Ruby considered another question as her answer:

What is a two-letter word that starts with 'N' and rhymes with what Weiss is?

Hint: Weiss is a ho.

"WEISS," Ruby screamed over the wind, "YOU ARE A HO!"

Weiss, with one hand full of Ruby's pinionated forearm and the other full of actual, singular pinion, screamed in return: "WHAT!"

It was hard to hear from the flank of an auspiciously-sized Nevermore.

THE CAPTURE OF RUBY AND WEISS, A BIOGRAPHICAL SCREENPLAY

Written by

Blake Belladonna

EXT. FOREST:

Ruby, a raven Faunus in a cassock and Weiss, a white-haired girl in a white shirt and navy pleated skirt, are walking. The white-haired girl has a sword on her hip, and is supporting the raven Faunus with her arm over both shoulders. The raven Faunus is limping; her leg is broken.

RUBY

So, uh, Weiss…

WEISS

(immediately annoyed)

What.

RUBY

You seen any ruins?

WEISS

(curt)

No, Florabel. Had I seen one, thou wouldst know.

RUBY

Are you okay? You weren't this snippy—

WEISS

(interrupting)

Yes! Of course! I, Weiss Schnee, am forced to escort thee, an idiot with one broken leg and many broken ribs and no working brain, all the way to the conclusion of whatever trial this farcical, faecal 'hike' is supposed to be, so yes! Aye! Never have I been more delighted to be sharing this experience with thee!

RUBY

(worried)

Jeez, Weiss, tell me how you really—

WEISS

(interrupting again)

Forsooth! Tis nary a single element that which could enhance this godforsaken voyage!

Distantly, a bird screeches. The sound intensifies every few seconds. As it gets louder, beating wings can also be heard.

RUBY

(looking around, panicked)

Weiss, uh, please be chill. I think you're attracting—

WEISS

(interrupting)

Yes, Florabel! Please, wouldst thou tell me what to do? My cranium is stupid and human, Fourth Archivist as well, not as smart as thee, great Florabel! I am lost in—

LARGE BIRD

(loudly)

Screee!

They are scooped up by a large bird.

CUT TO:

"YOU JUST HAD TO JINX IT!" Ruby screamed, her whole body feeling like it would rip in half, starting at the seam of her broken ribs.

"WHAT!"

Grunting in agony, Ruby fought hard against the wind as she reached up, grabbing Weiss' ass unwholesomely (accidental, eliciting an 'eep!' that would be cute from anybody) before she reached further up and managed to catch the crossguard of Weiss' sword with the tips of her fingers (done on purpose, eliciting a 'hey!' that sounded more offended than the ass-grab). She crawled her hand up, centimeter by centimeter, until she had the hilt in firm reverse-grip.

"WEISS! YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME!"

"WHAT!"

Ruby's other hand clasped Weiss' forearm, interlocking them as she stared at a point between the Nevermore's wings.

She'd never taken somebody into her Semblance before— not for real, at least— she'd blinked in place with Yang, but she wasn't 100% sure that had actually worked since they hadn't really moved.

So, there she was, about to test a fresh, mostly-unknown part of her Semblance in a situation that put her and Weiss' lives at stake. If she didn't try it, she'd die. If she tried it, she'd probably die— which she really wasn't too worried about. The whole situation sucked, so at least going out by Nevermore would be cool, but she didn't want to take Weiss down with her. Sure, the girl was an unbearable racist prick, but Ruby's spat with her was more personal/complicated than a 'you dying as a consequence of my failure' kind of thing, deserving something more like a good interpersonal stabbing or even strangulation.

Unfortunately, Ruby didn't have time for murder. She only had time to plot.

Rubys— wait, no, Allies— or, uh… Rubys and Weisses: 1 each; 2 total. Weapons: 1 of Weiss' cool sword, plus however many pieces of Ruby's weapon were still in her body as shrapnel. Disposition: ask again later. Affiliation: (soon to be formerly) Beacond's Hunters' Academy; (soon to be) The Grave.

Guys: 0. Grimm: 20 (scaled based on Ruby's own Beowolf-relative grading system, patent pending). Weapons: 1 beak (pokey/crunchy), 8 claws (slashy), many feathers (just pokey). Disposition: hates all life, feasts on negativity, is pretty by Ruby's personal, highly biased standards as a bird-person. Affiliation: guess.

Predicted outcome: Eek, capital 'E'. Yikes, even.

Dragging Weiss into the line with her was like trying to pull teeth, deadlifting five times her bodyweight, and delivering an impromptu speech in front of a crowd all at once, and she only realized how difficult it truly was to displace two bodies at once as she was doing it, so there was no going back. She couldn't flub it and split their endpoints; she needed to be next to Weiss to do this right. She also couldn't end up in the exact same space, otherwise they would either fuse (wishful thinking), or their bodies would explode into gore as their atoms and cells tried to occupy the same space (realistic thinking).

She needed to selectively throttle the line— fast for Weiss, slow for her. She needed to put her god-damn hands on her Semblance and choke the speed out of it, just really get in there and grab it, show it who's boss, discard her prudishness and tell it 'Hey, fuck you buddy, okay? You get me? Fuck you. I know you've been nothing but loyal and helpful to me— a literal lifesaver— but if you don't slow your damn roll I am gonna do things that would make your friggin' head spin, okay? Seriously.' Then maybe slap it around a little. Move its furniture, just to mess with its head.

Ruby imagined taking her Semblance's couch and putting it outside. Fuckin' kicking back— shoes the fuck on— wine glass of milk in one hand, phone in the other, oh what's that? Yeah, Semblance, it's your mom on the phone. Yeah. In a sex way. Uh-huh.

Sometimes, all the universe needs is a little convincing and a firm slap on the mouth.

Ruby felt her partner drop out of the line, then herself, landing so perfectly that Ruby's hand was still on her sword. The momentum died, the bird flying off beneath them and taking them from between the wings to halfway down the back in a second, but Ruby moved fast, ripping the sword from Weiss' sheath. She drove the blade hard into the Grimm's spine, staking her into its back and slamming into Weiss' back as the bird's momentum became hers. Ruby wrapped her free arm around her partner's waist. The Nevermore wailed.

"WHA— FLOR— HUH?"

"HOLD ON!"

As if on cue, the Nevermore started to nosedive. Ruby felt her guts all climbing up as the negative g-forces tried to lift her off the creature's back, but she kept her hand firmly on the sword. Weiss, like the idiot baby she was, squirmed in Ruby's grip until she was fully turned around, her arms and legs latching around her partner while she screamed into her ear.

And yet, the sound didn't hurt. It was… melodic. Not really, not objectively, but it felt that way to Ruby. Like when a movie's final act ends in oblivion, heartbreak, and chaos, all to the tune of a somber piano. It was nice, despite how much Weiss' hair kept whipping her face and flying into her mouth. She let herself enjoy the moment, because what came next would suck.

The Emerald Forest, shitty as it was, had a real beauty from so high up. All the treetops were laid out like a pillow blanket beneath, a layer deceptively like a carpet of particularly lumpy grass, completely enshrouding what lies below. She didn't need to hold Weiss' waist anymore, the girl was keeping tight to Ruby just fine on her own.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" was mostly what Weiss had to say about the beauty of nature before them. Ruby nodded at her sage wisdom.

She snaked her free hand between them, frisking around in Weiss' satchel while she was busy screaming her throat raw. She pulled out— nope, wrong one, bye-bye— she pulled out— yeesh, that's gotta be expensive. Oh well, thanks for flying Air Ruby.

Two crystal pommels would either hit the ground or bore through someone's skull at terminal velocity, which Ruby didn't care to think about. She pulled out a third pommel: deep, tempting purple. Always her favorite type of Dust.

Ruby twisted the pommel on, which Weiss seemed to notice, judging by the way she started slapping and pawing at Ruby's front, whining her cringe pissbaby whines while based Ruby's arm wrapped around her waist again. She didn't need to do the pommel-smash thing. This would be enough.

The Nevermore wasn't going to die from a little stab in the back. Really, who would? Lame, honestly. It would, however, try to dive-bomb in an intimidation play to scare its riders off, then bottom out with g-forces that'd probably turn Ruby's bones into soup inside her skin. A game of chicken, really.

Except Ruby wasn't a chicken.

Oh man, that sounded way cooler when it was more of a concept than an actual thought. Ruby frowned. Whatever. Cock or not, this Nevermore wasn't accounting for the gravity Dust flooding its body, drinking its momentum, pulling it down faster and faster until it couldn't be pulled up. Ruby's feather-fellow would become little more than inky paste.

She noticed the moment the Nevermore realized it was screwed. Its wings twitched, probably trying to even out or pitch-correct before the big turn up, but they simply didn't move. Even this massive, ancient creature was trapped in the wind, its body perfectly molded to dive to speeds it could control, but this was beyond its control. Its nose was almost vertical. Weiss was screaming. The ground was coming.

Ruby closed her eyes, squeezed Weiss closer, and put her fingers in the line.

Ruby's Semblance jerked against her, yanking her away angrily, slapping her for getting her muddy shoes on its couch. Ruby fumbled in the air, dumped out of the line so suddenly that her head swam. She was falling. Above the trees— not super far above the trees, but far enough that the landing would hurt. She couldn't see Weiss.

Oh shit she was gonna break so many more bo—

Ruby dumped onto the ground like a pillowcase full of meat. She coughed a little blood out.

Mom's critical, life-saving advice: 'Get up, kid. She's falling.'

Ruby blinked, realizing she was probably more than a little concussed. Mom had never given her real-time advice, usually just terrible old quotes.

Mum's critical, life-saving advice: 'Seriously, Ruby, get your girlfriend. She's gonna die if you don't.'

Ruby looked up and around, mentally filing away her many denials to the girlfriend claim in the 'I am concussed, sort these later' folder of her mental filing cabinet. Jeez, how the heck was she supposed to find Weiss in the sky? She was all sky-colors! There was no way—

Like a dancing snowflake made of lead, the girl who was not dead and was also Ruby's partner flailed in the sky. It was an unmistakable flailing, really, downright comical— nobody else would be able to do it like Weiss. She was the master of making a fool of herself.

Ruby hobbled to chase her form, hands out like she was actually going to catch the girl. She looked around for… some…

Oh. So Ruby was dead. And so was Yang and Blake (womp womp) and Jaune, along with some ginger girl, a guy with pink-striped black hair, and Pyrrha (fucking) Nikos. Yowza. At least they all got to be dead together.

All of 'em were just… standing around. Staring. Gormlessly. Distinctly lacking in gorm of any kind. Jaune seemed to follow where she'd been looking, though, and scrambled to climb up a tree, visibly triangulating how he was gonna catch Weiss.

Oh. Oh hell no. Dead or alive, no friggin' way. Not on Ruby's watch. She plotted.

Rubys—

Thump.

Ruby opened her eyes.

Jaune had caught her— bridal-style, too, for some godforsaken reason. Weiss, dazed, looked at him. Then she looked at Ruby. She smirked.

"My hero!" she gushed.

Then Weiss threw her arms around Jaune's neck, pulled him in close, and k