"Band Candy"
Based on the Episode Written by Jane Espenson
The following story is copyright © 2022 by Mark Moore.
In the Sunnydale cemetery, at night, Buffy was sitting on a blanket with her legs covered by another one.
Giles was standing behind a nearby gravestone. He had a book open. "'And on that tragic day, an era came to its inevitable end.' That's all there is. Are you ready?"
"Hit me."
"Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage? A) Violence breeds violence, B) All things must end, C)-"
Buffy looked down at her answer sheet and filled in a bubble with her No. 2 pencil. "'B'. I'm going with 'B'. We haven't had 'B' in forever."
Giles was exasperated. "This is the SATs, Buffy, not connect-the-dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Goddamn, thanks. That takes the pressure right off."
"This isn't meant to be easy, you know. It's a rite of passage."
"Well, is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something or cut something off?" Buffy asked sarcastically.
"Buffy, please concentrate." Giles looked back at his book.
Buffy saw a vampire approach behind him. "Roll!" She tossed her notebook and answer sheet off her lap and scrambled out from under her blanket and to her feet.
Giles looked up. "What?"
He saw her rushing toward him, instantly realized he needed to get out of the way, and shoulder-rolled onto the ground, out of danger. Buffy vaulted herself over the gravestone, finished in a roundoff to the ground, and, without a moment's hesitation, side-kicked the advancing vampire in the stomach. He went flying backward, landing hard on his back. Buffy rushed him, grabbed his legs, and pushed them up, forcing him into a back roll away from her.
The vampire ended up in a standing position and tried to punch her but missed her entirely. She tried a punch, but he middle-blocked her and took a swing with his free hand at her face. She ducked both it and the next punch that he threw. She straightened back up and roundhouse-kicked him in the side, but he kept his balance and tried to roundhouse-kick her in turn. She ducked it, and his momentum carried him around in a spin. He came to a stop facing her and tried to punch her in the face, but she grabbed onto his arm and blocked his next punch. He brought his free hand up again, but she smashed her forearm down to block it. Seeing an opening, Buffy took her pencil and stabbed him cleanly in the chest. She pulled it back out, and the vampire died and fell to the ground.
Buffy started back to her blanket. She looked at the tip of her pencil and saw it was broken. "Hmm. I broke my No. 2 pencil. We'll have to do this again sometime."
Giles extended his hand to her, holding a sharpened No. 2 pencil. "C) All systems tend towards chaos."
She flipped her broken pencil at him and snatched the new one from his hand. Giles watched her old pencil fly by him and hit the ground next to him.
Buffy sat back down cross-legged on her blanket and picked up her notebook and answer sheet. "I just know that us and the undead are the only people in Sunnydale working this late." She pouted up at Giles and waited for him to start reading again.
The next day, Buffy and Tara arrived at the top of the outside stairs and started down to the quad at Sunnydale High.
"And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming 'None of the above!'" Buffy recounted.
"Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams."
Buffy gave Tara a look.
Tara felt a bit embarrassed. "Probably not."
They reached the bottom of the stairs and continued to walk along the colonnade.
Tara looked at Buffy. "We could work on it tonight."
Cordelia walked out through the breezeway and walked behind them. "Work on what tonight? Oh, God. Are we killing something again?"
Buffy sighed. "Only my carefree spirit."
Tara looked at Cordelia. "Buffy SAT prep."
"Tara is helping." Buffy sighed again. "I hate they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist, and, personally, I think it, uh, discriminates against the uninformed."
"Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests."
Buffy and Tara gave her looks.
"What? I can't have layers?" Cordelia asked.
The group entered the hall near the cafeteria.
"So, Buff, study tonight?" Tara asked.
"Uh, yeah. Before dinner. Then Giles has me."
Cordelia gave her a look. "Ew."
Buffy playfully backhand-slapped her on the arm. "Sicko."
They turned into the cafeteria.
Buffy looked around. "It's like being in the Real World house, only real."
"Hmm?" Tara asked, confused.
They saw a table piled up with boxes of Milkbar fund-raiser chocolate bars. Other students were each taking a box as Snyder checked their names off on his clipboard.
Tara smiled. "Ooh, candy bars! Lots of 'em!"
Buffy grinned. "Yes! Candy bars kick ass!"
Snyder held out a box to Tara.
"Principal Snyder, thank you!" Tara took the box.
"It's band candy."
"Let's hear it for the band, huh?" Buffy asked. "Very generous."
"You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms."
Buffy gave him a weak smile. "I'm sure we love the idea of going door to door and bothering people, but we're not in the band."
"And if I'd handed you a trombone, that would've been a problem, Summers." Snyder held out a box. "It's candy."
Buffy took it.
"Sell it." Snyder offered another box to Cordelia.
Cordelia took it with a smile, wrapping her middle finger around the front of it.
He stared at her and then walked off, leaving them all staring at their boxes.
In the kitchen at Buffy's house, she, her mother, and Tara were eating Chinese food for dinner at the island.
"But you're not in the band."
Buffy gestured at the boxes. "And yet."
"Buffy, what would I do with forty chocolate bars?" Joyce asked her.
"You could hand them out at the gallery. 'Buy something Pre-Columbian, get a free cavity.'"
Joyce considered. "Twenty." She took them out of the box and handed her daughter back the box.
"You're a good mom." Buffy set down the box.
"I'm the best."
Tara smiled. "Best enough to buy twenty more bars from your favorite witch?"
Joyce looked at her and pushed her box in her direction. "Nice try, Tara."
Tara sighed. "Great. I hope Amy's in the mood for an expensive pig-out session."
Buffy chuckled, picked up her egg roll, and took a bite. "Mm...I gotta go." She got up and grabbed her box of candy bars.
"What, you're going out?" Joyce asked her.
Buffy kissed Tara on the lips and looked at her mother. "Giles. Slay-study double feature. Could be late."
"Again? Honey, don't you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time?"
"And does he ever say he's sorry?" Buffy asked before heading toward the door.
In the library, Giles was tying a blindfold tightly around Buffy's head.
"Ow!" Buffy yelled.
"Sorry."
"Why do I put up with this shit?" Buffy asked.
Giles walked around her. "Because it is your destiny...and because I just bought twenty 'cocorific' candy bars." He handed her a large rubber ball.
"Okay, you're just doing this to take funny pictures of me."
Giles walked around her. "I'm doing it to test your awareness of an opponent's location during a fight in total darkness. Now, wait five seconds and then throw the ball at me." He silently backtracked and took several steps away from her toward the cage.
"You ran out of new training ideas about a week ago, huh?" Buffy asked him. "Okay. Five, four, three, two, one."
She turned around and faced the door to Giles' office. He smiled, thinking she was completely clueless as to where he was. Buffy threw the ball. It hit the wall high above the checkout counter and bounced off.
"It's not that simple, is it-"
The ball bumped him in the side of the head.
"Ow. Ahem. Yes, well, very good."
Buffy took off the blindfold. "Thanks!"
Cordelia arrived at Angel's mansion, holding a small paper bag. The door to the atrium was open. She saw a shirtless Angel come into view, practicing the slow, elegant forms of T'ai Chi. He brought his arms down together in front of him and then over to his right. As he brought his left arm up across his abdomen, he crossed his right arm over his left. His motions remained fluid as he slowly moved his left arm out in front of him, palm up, and extended his right arm out to his side. He drew his arms together again, this time crossing his left arm over his right, and repeated a mirror image of his last move. Never stopping his motion, he brought both hands to his waist, palms facing forward, and slowly raised his right arm and swept it across in front of himself, palm down, while he swept his left arm across below his right, palm up. Cordelia walked into the doorway and stopped just to watch him, amazed at the fluidity and smoothness of his motions. Angel didn't notice her and continued the exercises. He had his arms extended, his left hand angled up sharply from his forearm and his right hand clasping the heel of his left. He brought them around in a broad sweeping motion toward Cordelia and then raised them, separated them, and spread them apart with his palms facing away from him. He raised his head as he did so and saw Cordelia standing there, watching him.
"Cordy."
Cordelia looked down briefly, slightly embarrassed to be caught watching him like that, and then looked up at him again with a little smile on her lips. "I didn't know you could do that."
Angel gave her the briefest glimpse of a small smile as he tried to straighten himself up from his slightly bent stance. "I-I'm feeling better." He couldn't maintain his posture and bent back over, supporting himself with his right hand on his knee.
Cordelia rushed to his aid. "Angel..." She got under his left arm and helped him stand up straight. "Let's...get you inside."
They slowly made their way back into the mansion. There was a warm fire going in the fireplace. They stopped and let go. Angel faced Cordelia and sat on the edge of the couch. She stepped closer to him but stopped. Angel just looked up at her. She sighed, put the bag down next to him, stepped over to an adjacent couch set at a right angle to his, and sat also - but very stiffly.
Angel leaned back on his cushions. "How is, uh...Scott?"
"Scott?" Cordelia smiled weakly and looked down. "Oh, um...boyfriend Scott. Uh..." She inhaled deeply. "A-Actually, he's not..." She looked up at him. "He's fine." She exhaled and nodded.
Angel gave her a little nod.
Cordelia indicated the bag that she left next to him. "Uh, that's for you."
Angel reached for it.
"Uh...i-it's fresh from the butcher."
"Thanks." Angel reached in and took out a quart-sized plastic tub of blood. He gave it a brief look, then slipped it back into the bag and set it aside.
Cordelia looked away shyly, knowing he didn't want to eat in front of her.
"You're being careful, right?" Angel asked her.
Cordelia looked up, surprised. "With Scott?"
"The slaying."
"Oh." Cordelia smiled and exhaled. "Uh...yeah. Of course." She nodded a lot. "Full of carefulness."
Angel looked down. "I worry about you." He looked at her.
Cordelia paused briefly. "I worry about you."
Angel stared down again for a moment, stroking the cushions. "I'm getting stronger."
Cordelia gave him a little smile. "Yeah, pretty soon, you won't even need me."
Angel nodded a little. "That'll be better."
Cordelia was unsure how to take that. "Yeah."
They continued to sit in silence.
The next day, Buffy and Cordelia had study hall in the science classroom and were sitting together at a table.
Cordelia sighed. "I heard that there was a secret rule that, if a teacher's more than ten minutes late, we can all leave."
Buffy looked up from studying. "It's Giles' turn to watch study hall. He'll be here." She looked back at her book. "He's allergic to late."
Cordelia sighed. "He is wound a little tight. I had this romance novel checked out from the library for, like, a year, and he made me pay the fine, even though it was huge."
Buffy gave her a look.
"I was sad to return it." Cordelia smiled. "It was perfect for slow, romantic nights for one..."
They both went back to their studying.
After a while, Cordelia suddenly turned to face Buffy. "I can't believe this. Where the fuck is Giles already? I'm bored, and he's not here to give me credit for it."
Buffy looked over at the classroom door, suddenly concerned. The door opened.
Ms. Barton came in and clapped her hands a few times to get the students' attention. "Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and..." She indicated a book on the teacher's desk and smiled. "...and pretend we're reading something until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!" She smiled widely.
Buffy was confused.
"I guess Giles isn't coming?" Cordelia asked Buffy.
Buffy was very concerned. "I guess not."
Buffy walked up to the door outside Giles' apartment and stopped. She peered in through the viewport, saw Giles, opened the door, and went in. Giles was crouched by a cabinet where he kept his vinyl record collection, looking at an album. Buffy closed the door behind her. The sound got Giles' attention, and he looked up.
"Buffy." Giles slipped the record into the cabinet.
Buffy walked further into the apartment. "Uh...sorry. I...I was just worried. You were a big not-there in study hall, and after your lecture to me on not ducking out..." She noticed Joyce sitting on his couch and was confused. "...and what is my mother doing here?"
Giles stepped over to Joyce, his mouth full of chocolate. "We had an opportunity for, um, you might say...a summit meeting. It took priority over study hall. I called in."
Buffy was still confused. "Oh."
Joyce looked at her. "We were talking about you, honey."
She and Giles both nodded.
Buffy was very confused and suspicious now. "About...?"
"A-About your work/life balance." Joyce looked to Giles for support.
Giles sat on the coffee table. "Uh, your home life and your duties as a Slayer."
Buffy stared at them warily. "Uh-huh."
Joyce nodded. "We're working out a coordinated schedule for you."
"It'll be tight, but, uh, I think we can fit in all your responsibilities." Giles smiled.
Buffy gave them an uncertain smile. "Sounds nice and structured."
"We've got more work to do here, honey. Why don't you give us a little more time?" Joyce asked.
Giles got up and walked over to the fireplace mantel to stare at a picture.
"Sure." Buffy stared at them for a moment longer and then turned and walked toward the door.
"Bye, honey. Drive careful."
Buffy opened the door. "Uh-huh!" She ran out the door without looking back, pulling it closed behind her.
Joyce turned to face Giles. "Do you think she noticed anything?"
Giles turned to face her, a cigarette dangling from his lips. He lit his lighter. "No way!"
He held the flame to his cigarette. Joyce smiled and reached down for a bottle that she had squirreled away under the end table. She twisted off the cap. Giles closed his lighter and took a drag. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and took a deep breath.
That night, Buffy and Tara walked up to Jenny's apartment. Buffy rang the doorbell.
Soon, the door opened. Jenny was standing there.
"Hey, Buffy, Tara. Faith'll be right out."
"I-I was actually h-hoping to see you, too, Ms. Calendar." Tara held up her box. "Would you like to buy s-some chocolate? It's for the marching band."
"Sure. Come in." Jenny stepped aside.
Buffy and Tara walked into the apartment.
Jenny closed and locked the door. "How much?"
"$2.00 each. I've got forty bars."
Jenny picked up her wallet off the coffee table and opened it. She took out a $10 bill and offered it to Tara. "I'll take five."
Tara opened her box, took out five chocolate bars, and offered them to Jenny. Jenny took them.
Tara took the $10 bill and smiled. "Thank you."
The toilet flushed. Soon, the bathroom door opened, and Faith walked out.
Buffy smiled. "Ready to go?"
"Yup."
Jenny smiled. "Have fun, you three. Stay safe."
Buffy looked at Jenny. "Ms. Calendar?"
"Yeah?"
"Um...I don't know if this is anything, but I had a weird encounter with my mom and Giles this afternoon. She was at his apartment."
"At his apartment?" Jenny asked in surprise.
Faith grinned. "Go, Joyce!"
Jenny glared at Faith.
"Anyway, I think she wanted me otherwhere. They said they were planning my future. Working out a schedule. I think it's easier for them to live my life if I'm not actually there."
Jenny frowned. "Odd."
"Yeah. Anyway, see ya later." Buffy turned and headed toward the door.
Tara and Faith followed her. Buffy unlocked and opened the door and walked outside. Tara and Faith followed. Faith closed the door behind her.
They started walking toward the van.
"Are - Are you sure about the Bronze?" Tara asked Buffy. "I mean...the SATs are tomorrow."
"I can study at the Bronze." Buffy smiled. "A little dancing, a little cross-multiplying."
In Giles' apartment, he was lying on his back on the floor, coat and tie gone, shirt unbuttoned to reveal his undershirt, getting ready to light a pair of cigarettes as he grooved to the sound of Cream singing "Tales of Brave Ulysses" on vinyl playing on his record player.
Joyce was sitting cross-legged in front of his record cabinet, looking through his albums as she grooved also. "You got good albums."
"Yeah, they're okay." Giles lit the cigarettes.
"Do you like Seals and Crofts?"
Giles turned his head to give her a look.
"Yeah, me neither."
Giles handed her one of the smokes.
"Thanks." Joyce took a drag. "So how come they, uh, call you Ripper?"
Giles sat up. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
The song went into a guitar riff between verses.
"Hmm, wait a minute. Listen to this bit." Giles got into it, smiling, bobbing his head, and waving his cigarette to the beat.
Behind him, Joyce took another drag.
"It rocks!" Giles exclaimed.
"It's good."
Giles got up and went to look into the mirror above the record cabinet. "Man, I gotta get a band together." He started running his fingers through his hair.
Joyce stood up. "Hey, Ripper, you wanna watch TV?" She leaned against the cabinet. "I know how to order pay-per-view."
Giles took off his outer shirt. "No, let's go out and have some fun. Tear things up a bit."
"Okay. We could go to the Bronze."
"Not bloody likely. That place is dead."
Tara, Faith, and Buffy walked into the Bronze. They looked around at the unusual mix of people in the crowd. A guy had his head tilted back as the bartender poured orange juice and vodka directly into his mouth. His friends surrounded him and goaded him on. There were unusual numbers of older people there. "Rock and Roll All Nite" by Kiss played on the sound system. The dance floor was very crowded with people of all ages. Even the older couples were dancing to the beat. Tara, Faith, and Buffy gave each other very amazed and concerned looks. They continued through the crowd.
Buffy looked around. "Let's do the time warp again."
Tara shrugged. "Maybe there's a reunion in town or - or a Billy Joel tour or something."
Ms. Barton walked past the three girls.
"Ms. Barton?" Buffy asked in surprise.
Ms. Barton stopped and faced her. "Buffy? Whoa!"
"Are you okay, Ms. Barton?" Tara asked.
Ms. Barton smiled widely. "Oh, I'm cool, Tara." She looked around. "Yeah, uh, uh, are there any nachos in here?"
"A-Are you sure you don't need some fresh air, Ms. Barton?" Buffy asked.
Ms. Barton laughed hysterically. "Okay..." She went into the crowd.
Buffy looked around. "Faith..." She couldn't find her. "Faith? Faith!"
Tara tapped Buffy on the shoulder and then pointed. Buffy looked. Faith was sitting at the bar, leaning back against the counter, and the bartender was pouring orange juice and vodka directly into her mouth.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Great."
Snyder spotted them from behind and came up between them, smiling hugely. "Hey, gang!" He put his arms around the girls' shoulders. "This place is Fun City, huh?" He laughed.
"Principal Snyder?" Buffy asked in surprise.
"Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like...Barbarino." Snyder let go of the girls and pumped his arms and fists around wildly.
Tara leaned slightly away from him.
"Ooh! I'm so stoked!" Snyder exclaimed.
Tara had no idea what to make of this.
Snyder came back down from his outburst and let out a breath. "Hey, did you see Ms. Barton? I think she's wasted. I'm gonna have to put that in her next performance review, 'cause...'cause I'm the principal!" He smiled, laughed, turned around, and headed back into the crowd.
Tara looked at Buffy. "I don't like this. They could have heart attacks."
"Uh, well...ma-maybe there's a doctor here."
Snyder stuck his head between the girls. "I got a commendation for being principal. From the Mayor! Shook my hand twice."
Buffy looked at him. "That's nice."
Snyder nodded and inhaled deeply. Two attractive women walked past them with drinks.
Snyder made eyes at them. "Whoa! There are some foxy ladies here tonight!" He headed off after them.
Buffy and Tara walked in the other direction.
"What's happening?" Tara asked.
"I don't know, but it's happening to a whole lot of grownups."
They stopped by the stairs.
Tara looked around at the crowd. "They're acting like a bunch..."
"They're acting like a bunch of us."
Tara was confused. "I don't act like this. I was gonna say 'morons' or 'assholes' or something."
Faith rejoined Tara and Buffy. "What up, bitches?"
Buffy made a face upon getting a whiff of Faith's breath. "Had enough?"
"Lighten up, B!" Faith offered Buffy a red cup.
Buffy held up a hand and shook her head. "I'm driving."
Faith offered the cup to Tara. Tara accepted it and took a sip of Faith's screwdriver. She made a face but didn't give the cup back. They all observed the crowd.
"Something's definitely changing them."
"A spell?" Tara asked Buffy.
Buffy shrugged.
Faith smiled. "Looks like a fun spell to me."
Suddenly, the music stopped, and a group of older men started singing "Louie Louie" up on the stage. They were off key, out of sync, and basically just plain terrible, but the crowd danced to them, anyway. An old nerd walked by as the girls stared.
Tara made a face. "It just gets more upsetting."
Several older couples on the dance floor kissed passionately.
Buffy pointed at the stage. "No vampire has ever been that scary."
"Fight!" a patron yelled suddenly.
Snyder turned to face the group, smiling and nodding his head vigorously. "Fight!"
Tara let out a helpless sigh.
Buffy started to head out. "We've gotta figure out what's going on. This has Hellmouth fingerprints all over it."
Tara and Faith followed her. Buffy stopped by a pinball machine where she saw a woman hold out a candy bar to her boyfriend. He took a huge bite while he kept playing the game.
Snyder caught up to them. "Hey, where are we going?"
The four of them headed for the club's exit. The three teenagers rushed out and headed for Buffy's van.
"Wait up, you guys!" Snyder came out the door. "Hey! You guys aren't trying to ditch me, are ya?"
Buffy, Tara, and Faith got into the van. Snyder followed them.
"We should find Mr. Giles. He'll know what's going on, right?" Tara asked Buffy.
"Sure. Except, for all we know, he's sweet sixteen again." Buffy pulled on her seatbelt and started the van.
Snyder opened the door behind her and got in, sitting to Faith's left. "I said wait up!" He slammed the door.
Faith looked at him. "Uh, Snyder..."
"No time. He's coming with us." Buffy put the van in Drive and slammed on the gas, burning some rubber in her hurry to get going.
"Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!" Snyder yelled.
Buffy drove along the street at a fast clip.
Tara looked back at Faith. "It'll be okay when we get to Mr. Giles'."
"Of course, I mean, even if he's sixteen, he's still Giles, right?" Faith asked. "He's probably a pretty together guy."
Tara was suddenly worried. "Yeah, well..."
"What?" Faith asked.
"Giles at sixteen?" Buffy asked. "Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates-The-World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy."
Faith thought about that. "Well, then I guess your mom's in a lotta trouble."
Snyder raised his eyebrows and nodded.
In the shopping district, Giles and Joyce walked along with their arms around each other.
"Must be exciting being from England." Joyce chewed her gum.
"Not particularly." Giles kicked a can. "You cold?" He took a puff of his cigarette.
"Nah-uh. I feel...special, like I'm just waking up, kinda."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, like, uh, getting married and having kids and everything was just a dream, and now things are back like they're supposed to be."
"Yeah?"
They walked past a boutique with some retro clothes on display in the window and stopped to look.
Joyce spied a feathered wrap. "That's cool!" She nodded, smiled, and chewed. "Very Juice Newton."
Giles checked his hair in the reflection. "You fancy it?"
"Yeah, but the store's closed."
Giles took a final drag from his cigarette, then tossed it aside. He grabbed a trashcan and idly swung it toward the store's display window. Joyce quickly stepped away. The glass shattered and fell everywhere when the can hit, and an alarm went off. Joyce smiled widely and giggled hysterically while Giles climbed in and took the wrap off the mannequin. He grabbed the hat from the mannequin as well and set it on his head. Joyce looked around to see if anyone was coming.
Giles came back out and hopped down to the sidewalk from the window opening. "Woo-hoo!"
"Oh, Ripper! Wow, that was sooo brave!" Joyce exclaimed.
He helped her on with the wrap.
Suddenly, a police officer arrived behind them and aimed his gun at them. "Hold it!"
Giles and Joyce froze.
The light was green as Buffy approached an upcoming intersection.
"This is great! Let's do doughnuts in the football field, huh?" Snyder suggested.
They headed into the intersection. A Jeep came in the other direction.
"Oh, my Goddess, look out!" Tara warned.
They all tensed up for the impact. The Jeep hit them hard on the left back-seat door, making them spin around a quarter-turn.
The police officer had his Beretta M9 Pistol aimed at Giles, who let go of Joyce to face him. Joyce backed away slowly.
Giles took the hat from his head and tossed it aside. He stepped toward the officer and waved his arms around, taunting him. "Oooh...copper's got a gun!" He jumped around a bit, taunting the officer some more. "You'll never use it, though, man."
"Will so."
Giles spied a candy bar in the officer's front jacket pocket.
"Ripper, be careful!" Joyce warned.
This distracted the officer, and Giles batted his gun-holding hand aside, grabbed it, and held onto it as he head-butted the older man in the forehead and kneed him in the balls and again in the gut. The cop doubled over in pain. Giles twisted the officer's arm up above his head and took the Beretta from him and then kneed him in the face. The cop fell over, unconscious.
Giles stuck the gun into the back of his pants. "Told him he'd never use it."
He smiled and sashayed coolly over to Joyce as she leaned against the police car.
"You are sooo cool." Joyce laughed. "You're like Burt Reynolds."
In a flash, Giles had one hand around her neck and the other around her back. She started and gasped but didn't struggle. Instead, she took the gum out of her mouth, and they kissed passionately. Giles leaned her back over the hood of the car.
Buffy's van and the Jeep were stopped side by side, facing in opposite directions.
The driver of the Jeep quickly got out. "Sorry! Gotta go!"
He ran off laughing as Buffy and the others got out of the van.
Buffy's first instinct was to chase the man, but she let him go and looked at the dent in the van. "God damn it." She closed her door.
Snyder swung his door closed as well, but it wouldn't shut properly anymore.
"Are you guys okay?" Buffy asked them.
Snyder nodded as he also looked at the dents. Tara and Faith walked around the van. Off to the side, they saw three men sitting in the playground, laughing and smoking.
"Shit." Buffy sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "I was gonna make another payment to my mom for the van, but now I'm gonna have to spend it on repairs instead. Fuck!"
Tara rubbed Buffy's back.
Buffy looked at the other side of the street and saw five guys hanging out by a tree. "Something's weird."
"What?" Faith asked her.
"No grownups."
Two women strutted past the men by the tree, munching on chocolate. The guys gave them catcalls. Snyder started to unwrap a bar of his own.
Buffy looked around. "No one's protecting their houses. Everyone's just...wandering."
A man ran up behind Snyder, grabbed his chocolate bar, and ran off with it.
"Hey!" Snyder yelled.
Tara and Faith stared at the man as he ran away.
"Hey, give it!" Snyder ran after the man.
Tara looked at Buffy. "Defenseless."
"So where are all the vampires?" Buffy asked.
The three ladies considered this strange dilemma.
Buffy continued looking around. "Soup's on, but no one's grabbing a spoon."
"Something's happening...someplace else." Faith looked at Buffy.
Buffy looked at Faith. "I'd say something big."
Snyder returned, upset. "That guy took my candy!"
Buffy suddenly got it and gave Tara and Faith an astonished look. "The candy. I-It's gotta be the candy! It's cursed."
Tara and Faith exchanged a look.
Snyder was worried. "A curse?! Oh, I've got a curse."
"Goddess, using candy for evil!" Tara cried.
Buffy looked at Snyder and jumped at him, pushing him up against the Jeep. "Who's behind it?"
"I don't know. It came through the school board." Snyder shook his head. "If you knew that crowd-"
"Where did it come from? Do you know where to get it?" Buffy asked, losing her patience.
"Yeah."
Buffy looked at Tara. "You get Cordelia. Go to the library and look it up."
"Got it."
Buffy kissed Tara on the lips. "Be careful, sweetie."
"I will. You, too, okay?" Tara asked.
Buffy nodded and looked at Faith and Snyder. "Ratboy and us are going to the source." She shoved him toward the van.
Buffy pulled her van to a screeching halt at the loading dock behind the Milkbar factory. Two men had cases of chocolate open and were throwing them out into a crowd. The crowd was getting larger and rowdier by the minute. Buffy, Faith, and Snyder got out and marched over to the crowd. Just as she passed her mother and Watcher, Buffy stopped in her tracks. She turned to face them. Giles and Joyce were into some serious snogging.
"Mom? Giles?!" Buffy asked in surprise.
Giles ignored her. "Go away. We're busy."
"Mom!" Buffy pulled her mother away from her Watcher.
"Hey!" Joyce yelled.
Buffy was shocked. "Where did you get that coat? Never mind. Listen-"
Giles grabbed her arm and turned her to face him. "Back off!"
"Giles, think about this. You wanna fight me, or you wanna let me talk to my mother?" Buffy asked him.
Giles realized he wouldn't have a chance against her and backed down, yanking his hand from her and up to the side of his face, where he grabbed a cigarette from behind his ear. Buffy turned back to her mother as Giles put the cigarette into his mouth and reached into his pocket for his lighter.
"Mom, look at me. Do you know who I am?" Buffy asked her.
Giles lit his smoke.
Joyce smiled. "Of course. You're Buffy." She looked over at the crowd. "Hey, look. They're - They're giving away candy. You want some candy?"
"No, I don't! And you don't need any more either."
Joyce was very annoyed. "I'm fine. I can have more if I want."
"You are not fine. You need to go home."
Joyce was angry now. "Fuck you. I want candy!"
"Mom!" Buffy yelled.
"You wanna slay shit, and I'm not allowed to do anything about it. Well, this is what I wanna do, so get off my back!" Joyce yelled.
"Mom, please, this is-"
Giles reached for Joyce. "Oh, for God's sake." He pulled her away. "Just let your mum have the sodding candy. C'mon, Joyce..."
Buffy held her mother back and stepped over to Giles. "Listen to me. You need-"
"No, you listen to me." Giles pointed at her. "I'm your Watcher, so you do what I tell you." He pointed at her van. "Now, sod off!"
Buffy grabbed the cigarette from his mouth, threw it down, and stomped it out. "Take her home." She headed for the crowd.
Giles grabbed Joyce's hand and started after her. "Joyce..."
Buffy and Faith pushed their way through the crowd toward the loading dock. Buffy stepped up on a crate and dispatched one of the men tossing candy to the crowd by punching him in the back of the knee. He crumpled and fell off the end of the dock. Faith log-rolled onto the platform and flipped up to her feet. The other man threw away the box of candy bars that he just grabbed, and Faith ducked, thinking it was being thrown at her. The man tried to punch her, but she punched him in the side and then backhand-punched him in the face, following up with two more punches to the gut and the face. She ducked his attempt at a punch and roundhouse-kicked him in the back, knocking him into the factory wall. She grabbed onto his shirt, spun halfway around, and launched him off the dock and into the air towards another wall. He hit it hard and slid to the pavement.
Buffy hopped up onto the platform but then saw Giles and her mother at the base of the dock, stuffing chocolate bars into their pockets, and walked over to them.
"Mom!" Buffy grabbed her by the arms and pulled her up.
"Hey!" Joyce yelled.
Giles looked up. "Oy! You leave her alone!"
Faith kicked in the door to the factory as Giles hopped up onto the dock. He followed Faith, Buffy, and Joyce into the building.
Buffy pulled her mother into the shipping area and let go of her. "Stay."
The place was piled to the ceiling with cases of Milkbars. Buffy looked around to see what she could find. Across the room from the conveyor where the boxes were sealed, she saw a man on a phone, listening. He was there alone. Faith, Giles, and Snyder came into the shipping area behind her.
Snyder sniffed. "It smells so chocolaty."
Buffy approached the man on the phone.
Giles looked around. "This is far out."
"Yeah, I've been out there. Town's wide open. You guys can go anytime."
Buffy immediately recognized the voice and crossed her arms as she closed the distance between them. "Ethan Rayne."
He turned to face her, and his eyes went wide with surprise. Upon hearing the name, Giles approached him also. Faith and Joyce were close behind. Together, the four of them made an imposing sight.
"Might wanna hurry."
"Ethan."
"Ripper." Ethan wasted no time breaking into a fast run.
Buffy and Giles gave immediate chase.
Buffy briefly looked back at Faith. "Look after my mom!"
Ethan ran under the inclined end of the conveyor and pulled a rack behind him to block their way, but the two of them just jumped over the low end of it instead and continued the chase.
In the library, Cordelia and Tara sat at the table, looking through the more promising volumes.
"At first, it was fun, you know?" Cordelia asked. "They seemed like they were in this really good mood - not like parents - and then-"
"Badness?" Tara guessed.
"Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on spandex pants. And Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of Esquire."
Tara flipped a page. "Freaky shit."
Cordelia stared into her book. "You wanna swap? This book is really thick, and I'm not sure it's in English." She traded with Tara.
Buffy and Giles rushed to keep up with Ethan, running through the maze of cases of candy bars. They made several twists and turns, and finally Buffy ran around a corner to discover she'd lost him. Behind her, Giles stopped running, too.
Giles breathed heavily to catch his breath. "Where..." He panted. "Bloody hell!"
Buffy looked at him. "That's what smoking will do to you. Now be quiet."
"Well...where'd the bastard go?" Giles asked.
Buffy was annoyed. "Shh!" She looked around and listened carefully. She went around a corner and stopped.
"What?" Giles asked.
Buffy pretended to go on but then suddenly did a half-spinning hook kick into a crate. She yanked away a chunk of wood, reached in, and pulled Ethan's head out. "Look. A box full of farm-fresh chicken."
Ethan gave her a nervous smile, but it quickly faded.
Buffy pulled him out of the crate. "So, Ethan, what are we playing? We're pretty much in a talk-or-bleed situation. Your call."
"Hit him."
Buffy glared at Giles for an instant, then looked back at Ethan.
"I-I'd just like to point out that this wasn't my idea."
Giles paced behind Buffy.
"Meaning...?" Buffy asked.
"I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute...for a demon."
"He's lying. Hit him!" Giles yelled.
Buffy briefly glanced at him. "I don't think he is, and shut up."
"You're my Slayer." Giles excitedly pointed at Ethan. "Go knock his teeth down his thr-"
"Giles, shut the fuck up!" Buffy yelled at him.
Giles turned away from her and continued pacing.
Buffy looked at Ethan. "What demon?"
"I don't remember."
Buffy punched him solidly in the nose. He stumbled back against the broken crate.
Giles jumped and swung his fist through the air, smiling. "Yes!"
Buffy gave Giles a glaring look. He lost his smile.
"Lurconis. Demon named Lurconis. They wanted a way to get the tribute away from people."
"So you're just Diversion Guy?" Buffy asked him.
"More than a diversion. Well, they said the tribute was big, so big that people would never let them take it. That people had to be out of it. And later on, when the candy wore off, they'd blame themselves."
Buffy sighed. "Hence, land of the irresponsible. So...where's Trick?"
"I don't know exactly."
"Hit him again."
Buffy held up her fist and gave Ethan a threatening look.
Ethan warded her off with his hand. "No! I-I-I really don't know. Delivering the tribute."
Buffy stepped closer. "Which brings us to the bonus question, and believe me when I say a wrong answer will cost you all your points."
Behind her, Giles leaped up joyously with a huge smile on his face, anticipating a good fight.
"What's the tribute?" Buffy asked.
"I don't know."
Buffy sighed, grabbed Ethan by the shirt, and dragged him away.
A short while later, Ethan was leaning against a table while Faith stood nearby, keeping an eye on him. Snyder crouched nearby as well.
Buffy was on the phone with Tara at the library. "Right. Lurconis."
"Lurconis. A demon. What's his deal?" Tara asked.
"See if it says anything about a tribute."
"A tribute? Like what?"
"I don't know." Buffy looked at Ethan. "My source is all tapped out."
"She whupped you good, huh?" Snyder threw two punches. "Yah! Wah!" He stood up proudly. "I can do that. I took Tae Kwon Do at the Y."
He went into a series of kicks and punches, grunting with each one as he advanced toward Joyce, trying to impress her. She just rolled her eyes, looked away, and sighed, unimpressed. Snyder realized it didn't work and leaned against the wall. Joyce blew a bubble with her gum.
Suddenly, they heard a noise near the exit. Buffy looked at Faith and pointed in the direction of the noise. Faith went to investigate.
"I'm not finding anything. Are you sure it's not a witch or a vampire or something?" Tara asked Buffy.
"No, no. It's definitely a demon. A big one."
Ethan spied a crowbar on the table and, being unguarded now, reached for it and began to advance toward Buffy.
Giles noticed his advance. He pulled back the hammer on his stolen Beretta and pointed it at Ethan's neck. "I wouldn't."
Ethan stopped cold in his tracks. Buffy turned around and swung the telephone receiver hard into Ethan's chin. He spun down to the floor, dropping the crowbar. Giles aimed the gun at the back of Ethan's head, execution style.
Buffy handed the phone to her mother. "Giles, give me the gun." She held out her hand.
He just stared at Buffy and didn't give in.
Buffy stared back. "Giles..."
He kept the gun aimed right where it was.
"Now." Buffy's tone was sternly insistent.
After another moment, Giles reluctantly gave up his weapon. Buffy stuffed it into the back of her pants.
Joyce held the phone out to Buffy. "Uh, it's, um, it's Tara." She smiled and winked. "She wants you real bad."
Buffy took the phone. "Uh-huh?"
"Okay, Cordy just found it. 'The tribute to Lurconis is made every thirty years.' I-It's a ritual feeding. A-And this one's late, so it's probably, you know, a big meal. Oh. And..." Tara paused. "Oh. Lurconis eats babies."
Buffy immediately hung up and started to go. "Come on." She took her mother's hand.
"Well, what about that man?" Joyce asked her.
Buffy turned to see Giles holding the crowbar over Ethan, who was still on the floor.
"Uh, see if you guys can find something to tie him up with."
"Um..." Joyce reached behind her and pulled out a set of handcuffs, dangling them from her thumb and giving her daughter a sheepish but mischievous look.
"Never tell me." Buffy grabbed the cuffs and headed over to Ethan.
In the maternity ward at Sunnydale Memorial Hospital, Buffy held an identification wristband left behind in one of the empty cribs. Giles was outside the room, talking with the nurse on duty.
"I didn't see anything. I don't know where they are."
Joyce was sad and worried. "Something's gonna eat those babies?"
"What can I do?" the nurse asked.
"I think that is so wrong." Snyder shook his head.
"Get off my back about it!" the nurse yelled.
Giles came into the room. "She says she never saw who took them. Dozy cow."
Buffy looked at him. "I know who took them."
Giles nodded. "Well, then let's do something. Let's find the demon and - and...kick the shit out of it."
"Is that what happens now?" Snyder asked.
"Yeah, if we knew where they were." Buffy paced.
Giles suddenly remembered a passage from a book. "'Lurconis dwells beneath the city, filth to filth.'"
Buffy stopped pacing. "What?"
"Ooh!" Giles faced her. "I know this." He tried to remember more. "Uh...I knew this. 'Lurconis' means...'glutton'. And we'll find it, um...in the sewers."
"The sewers?" Joyce went to Giles for a hug.
Snyder nodded. "Uh, good. You go do that thing with the demon, and I'll stay here in case the babies, you know, uh...find their way back."
Joyce let go of Giles, sad. "The babies must be so scared."
Giles looked at Snyder. "You filthy little ponce." He stepped toward him. "Are you afraid of a little demon?"
"If you want to splash around in the poo, you're the filthy one!" Snyder shoved Giles.
Giles shoved him back.
Buffy got between them, very annoyed. "Okay, you know what? Everybody just stop it and calm the fuck down! Okay, listen to me. I need help, okay? Giles, I need grownups."
Snyder and Giles continued trying to stare each other down.
"These children are gonna die, if we don't act now, okay, and think clearly." Buffy got Giles' attention. "There is no room for mistakes. Besides which...you guys are just wigging me out."
Snyder gave in and looked away.
Giles gave him one last stare and then stepped back over to Joyce. "Sorry."
Joyce nodded. "We'll behave."
The two of them hugged again.
"Good." Buffy looked at Snyder. "Snyder, go home."
"I can do that." Snyder left.
Buffy turned to face Faith and Giles. "Faith, Giles, we're going to the sewers."
Giles kissed her mother.
Buffy cringed. "And don't do that!" She stalked out of the room.
They broke off their kiss and reluctantly followed her. Faith brought up the rear.
Buffy, Faith, Giles, and Joyce approached a manhole. Buffy took the cover off and tossed it aside.
Suddenly, Buffy remembered something. "Let's get this over with. I've got the SATs tomorrow."
Joyce rolled her eyes. "Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note."
"No. It's okay."
Faith looked at Buffy. "You got your books in the van, right?"
"Yeah."
"So stay here."
"Huh?" Buffy asked, surprised.
"Go on, B. Study. I'll take care of it."
"You sure?" Buffy asked her.
"No prob."
Buffy stared at her for a moment. "Okay. Keep my mom and Giles safe."
Faith nodded. "Go. I've got this."
Buffy headed back to her van.
Faith dropped down into the sewers from above through a manhole. She was in a round storm drain tunnel near a large chamber lit by firelight from torches and candles. Mayor Wilkins was standing in the back to observe the ritual. He was on his cell phone. A black man, who Faith guessed was Trick, was nearby, watching four vampires as they chanted in Latin. They were dressed in red robes, standing on the wide concrete rim of a small pool. One of them stepped down with a shallow bowl of water taken from the pool and began to anoint each of the babies with it. All but one of the babies were quiet. Suddenly, the mayor turned his head to face Faith.
"Hi." Faith moved to start her attack.
Behind her, Giles climbed down a few rungs of the ladder and dropped down the rest of the way. The robed vampires quickly moved to attack them. Mayor Wilkins made a hasty retreat. The first vampire swung wildly at Faith, but she ducked him, and his momentum carried him past her. She roundhouse-kicked the second one and turned back to the first one and shoved him away from her. He smashed into the ladder. Turning back to the second one, Faith delivered another roundhouse kick. The first one tried to kick her from behind, but she middle-blocked him and roundhouse-kicked him in the side. Giles and Joyce ran over to the table with the babies and wheeled it away. The third vampire did a jumping roundhouse kick, which Faith easily ducked. The second lunged at her, but she jumped into the air between them and landed behind them. The third one threw a punch at her, which she quickly middle-blocked. The second one swung at her, and she ducked it and punched him in the face. She punched the third one in the face, did a half-spin, and hit the second one in the face with a backhand punch. He went staggering backward into Trick. Faith pulled out a stake.
Giles and Joyce got the babies to a safe distance, where Giles left them and went back to the fight. Trick shoved the second vampire off him, who then went stumbling toward Giles. Giles clumsily front-snap-kicked him in the face, and he went flying right back into Trick. The first vampire tried to attack Faith again, but she cleanly staked him. She immediately took a step to her side, back-middle-blocked the third one as he tried to grab her from behind, and staked him. He fell to his knees. The second vampire was up again and ready to attack. Faith side-kicked him, and he flew backward onto the rim of the pool and back-rolled into the water. Suddenly, they all heard a deep rumbling. The vampire tried to get up out of the water. They kept listening to the rumbling as it got louder. The vampire climbed onto a pedestal in the middle of the pool.
"What the hell's that?" Giles asked.
The vampire got to his knees. Just then, a huge demon snake appeared through another tunnel by the water. It saw the vampire on the pedestal, engulfed him, and retreated back into the tunnel.
Faith stared after it. "Lurconis, I'm thinking."
"Ordinarily, I like other people to do my fighting for me, but I just gotta see what you got."
Faith looked at Trick. "Just tell me when it hurts."
She started to advance on him, but Giles rushed past her and pushed her back.
"Giles! No!" Faith yelled.
He threw a solid left to Trick's face, but he wasn't fazed. He grabbed Giles by the shirt and threw him into the pool. Trick made a dash for it. Giles started to climb out of the water at the rim of the pool. The rumbling started again, quicker this time. Faith looked around frantically for a way to stop the demon. She spied a gas pipe above her and leaped up to grab it. It broke under her weight, and gas began to hiss out of it. Giles was out of the water now and rolled over the rim of the pool and down to the floor. Faith angled the gas pipe into one of the torches, and it burst into flames. She aimed it at Lurconis, and the snake demon reared back and screamed in pain. Joyce watched in terror. Faith waved the pipe around until Lurconis was engulfed in flames. She pushed the gas pipe aside as the demon retreated back into its tunnel, screaming.
"You and me, girl."
Faith spun to face Trick, who was smiling down through the open manhole.
"There's hard times ahead." Trick got up and made himself scarce.
Faith sighed. "They never just leave. Always gotta say something."
Joyce came out of the shadows and over to Faith. "Can I go home now?"
Giles got up, soaked to the skin.
Faith nodded. "Yeah, you can go home - just as soon as you help me get these babies to safety."
Joyce went back to the babies. "Poor babies. Come on..."
Faith joined her. Giles went over to help as well.
Faith walked into Jenny's apartment and stopped in her tracks. Jenny and three other women were dancing naked around the coffee table while "Mystic Warrior" by Kate Price played on the stereo. The air was heavy with the smell of marijuana.
Faith kicked the door closed and folded her arms, giving them a smile. "Well, well."
The women stopped dancing.
Jenny looked at Faith and gave her a goofy, stoned smile. "Hey, Faith. You're home early."
"Looks like you've had a better night than me. Hey, how much of that candy is left?" Faith asked her.
"None. We ate it all. Why? Wanted some?" Jenny asked her.
Faith shook her head. "No, no, I'll explain later when you're...yourself."
"What am I if not myself?" Jenny paused in thought. "Whoa, that was, like, deep and shit."
"Yeah, well, I'm gonna shower and hit the sack."
"What's your hurry?" Jenny asked her, smiling. "Join us. We've got extra grass."
Faith paused and considered. She shrugged. "Why the fuck not?" She quickly stripped off all of her clothes and joined the women.
Jenny offered Faith a joint. Faith put it in her mouth, and Jenny lit it with her lighter. Faith took a drag and then blew the smoke in Jenny's face.
The following Monday afternoon, at Sunnydale High, Buffy and Giles walked toward the street in front of the school.
"It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt...so alone."
"Was that the math or the verbal?" Giles asked her.
"Mostly the math."
"Well, if you scored low, then you can take them again."
"More SATs?" Buffy sighed. "Is there really a point? I could die before I even apply to college."
The brakes of Joyce's Jeep squealed as she pulled to a stop at the curb. Buffy and Giles took the steps down to the sidewalk.
"And then, you very possibly might not."
"Well, let's just keep hope alive."
Joyce got out, closed her door, and walked up onto the curb.
"Hello." Giles smiled awkwardly.
"Hi."
"Hey, Mom, what are you doing here?" Buffy asked her.
"I wanted to see if maybe you'd like to go for some post-SATs victory ice cream at Dairy Queen."
"Well, not sure about the 'victory' part, but I'm down." Buffy started walking. "Uh, mine or yours?"
"Mine. I really don't wanna be seen riding around in a damaged vehicle."
Buffy rolled her eyes. Then she noticed her mother wasn't moving. She and Giles were standing near each other but unwilling to look each other in the eye.
Buffy looked at each of them a few times and smiled in amusement. "Uh, hey, the way things were going, be glad that's the worst that happened. At least, I got to the two of you before you actually fucked." She walked around to the passenger's side to get in.
Giles and Joyce both looked at the pavement, embarrassed and not willing even to go there, but knowing they did.
"Right."
"Indeed."
"Y-Yes."
They both quickly pivoted and headed off in opposite directions.