Chapter 2 – Numb
The past few months have been hell. Training has been cranked to a 20 and my father has been insufferable. Picking up a small knife from beside me, I envision my father's face on the human shaped target in front of me. I bring my arm back and whip it forward releasing the knife and watching it plunge into the centre of his head. Bullseye
"Again" my father snaps at me. Wordlessly, I reach back and grab another knife, repeating the action. I embed the knife in the small bullseye on the neck of the target. Suddenly my father huffs and stalks towards me standing between me and the target. He grabs a knife from the table and starts to fiddle with it as he speaks. "If you get reaped you keep your head high and show them that they are below you. Do not cry. Do not show weakness. Do not make connection. And above all don't let them see you bleed". As we make eye contact, I feel my hands start to shake and I clasp them gently behind my back before giving my father a curt nod. "Go get ready to go" he instructs me. As I make my way upstairs, I hear him throw the knife he was holding at the target then swear.
Upstairs I search my closet to find my annual reaping outfit. Once my mother died my father never allowed me to wear dresses, he said I looked too much like her. For the past few years my reaping outfit has been an army green fitted long sleeve jumpsuit with a brown leather belt and my trusty brown combat boots. As I get changed, I can feel my hands still shaking as I clench and unclench my fists hoping it helps. I glance in the mirror and silently tell myself to breathe, just breathe. As I use my mantra, I can't help but notice how much I do look like my mom. Long dark brown hair, green eyes, full pink lips, and a slight tan from living in district attention is broken as I hear my father yell at me to hurry up. I rush out of my room and meet my father at the front door. We make eye contact and he nods once at me before exiting our home, and we start to make our way to the town square for the reaping ceremony.
On reaping day, the town square is transformed with a stage and two ominous glass bowls. This year there are four bowls instead of two and the victors rather than a background object are front and centre while the district 9 escort Zelena Skye frets over them. As I stand amongst the other 18-year-old females I can feel the glares coming from them and notice the distance they have created between me and them. Shrugging to myself I can't help but think, at least it won't hurt me when I have to kill someone you love. I must have zoned out with my thoughts as the next thing I hear is Zelena announcing the two victor tributes as Jasmine Dagan and Emmer Vilja. Both older but highly dangerous. Emmer won his games with his ability to wield a sword and Jasmine won by sneaking around using traps and snares on her opponents.
"Now it is time to announce the next female tribute" announces Zelena and she dramatically puts her hand into a bowl containing the girl's names. She slowly makes her way back to the mic and unfolds the slip of paper.
"Zea Barlowe"
Shit. Breathe, just breathe. Head high do not show weakness. I make my way out of the crowd. I do my best to stare Zelena and the victors down while shoving my emotions away. Once on the stage I stand on the right of Zelena and look into the distance where the adults are gathered. I spot my father in the crowd who gives me a brief nod before turning and walking away. Zelena calls the final tribute and I can't help but notice I have no idea who he is. Garner Miller. The name rings no bells and this moment I feel truly alone. Garner walks onto the stage, or should I say stubbles, with a fake look of confidence obviously trying to mask his fear. As he looks towards me his façade drops for a brief second then returns. Shortly after Zelena ushers us backstage into separate rooms to say our goodbyes.
Once in my room I start to pace as I feel the walls closing in on me. I know my father won't come say goodbye, no one will. Alone, I am alone. I feel my panic rise and my chest feels heavy and without the ability to take in oxygen. All the feelings of loneliness, pain, fear, panic rush through me. Numb. MUST BE NUMB. I claw at my throat just trying to breathe as I sink to the floor. I sit there rocking back and forth for what feels like forever before a knock comes at the door. An unknown voice echoes through the room and tells me it is time to go to the train. As I pull my hand away from my neck I note blood under my nails. Standing, I rush to the mirror on the wall next to the door. It's like I was mauled. Scratches and blood mare my bare neck and in a desperate attempt at not seeming weak I button my shirt collar up to cover my moment of weakness. Another knock sounds and the door starts to open as a peacekeeper steps into the room to escort me to the train.
Walking into the train I take a moment to examine my surroundings. Zelena leads Jasmine, Emmer, Garner, and myself to what appears to be the back of the train into a room with couches lining the walls in a U shape. While incredibly extravagant the room also feels cold and unfamiliar. As we all sit Zelena announces she will grab our mentors for us to meet. While she is gone, I notice Garner staring at me, in retaliation I raise an eyebrow at him while keeping my face neutral. Almost immediately he cringes back into the couch and looks away.
"Ahem, may I introduce your mentors Annora and Bran" announces Zelena from the far side of the room. Jasmine and Emmer simply nod at their fellow victors and walk out of the room leaving Garner and I in their wake. Bran turns to us and asks for our names while Annora stands slightly behind him with a look on her face saying she would rather be anywhere else. When introducing himself Garner shares, he does not have any special talents but he is strong. As Bran stares at me I keep my face neutral and state "I have several skills but I haven't decided if you are worth being told yet". While Annora and Zelena look incredibly uncomfortable Bran simply laughs and widely states "I like this one". Rather quickly Zelena guides the four of us to the nearby couches and grabs a remote to turn on the TV. Time to find out who I need to kill.
While watching the reaping I take mental notes who to worry about, who is dead weight, and more. Some tributes are explanatory, districts 1 and 2 pulling volunteers all around while others look terrified. The most surprising reaping came from district 12. Along with Katniss and Peeta the ever so unlucky Primrose Everdeen was once again reaped but left without a sister to save her. Once the recap ends Annora turns to Garner and I and asks "who should you be the most worried about in the arena" immediately Garner responds and states the victors from district 2, Enobaria and Cato. Wrong so wrong. Annora shakes her head and turns her eyes to me. I glance at Bran and matter of factly state "Finnick, Johanna, and Katniss as they are unpredictable." Annora nods and glances at Bran who asks if we would like to be trained together or separately. I am the first to speak and share that I want to be trained separately. Bran turns to me and states "guess you're stuck with me young one".
After Garner, Annora, and Zelena leave the room Bran and I begin to talk strategy. He asks about previous training both weapons and survival and what my plan is. Without too much detail and avoiding sharing all my secrets I share that my father has trained me in several weapons since I was young and I am best with throwing knifes and sais. In addition, I share that I have vast survival training. When asked to expand I refuse, that is one type of memory I do not need to relive. I notice the smirk on Bran's face before he says "looks like district 9 might have a contender this year". In response I narrow my eyes and confidently respond "I will do more than just contend. I will win". Bran stares and me before nodding and we resume discussing strategy before arriving at the capitol. "Act like they are beneath you and show them you are not afraid, confident but not cocky." Sounds easy enough.
I spent the rest of the time on the train sitting on the couches and staring out the window watching the scenes change around me. Other than the final change in scenery announcing our arrival Zelena flounces into the room stating the same. Zelena guides me to the train exit and I find my fellow tributes and mentors already there. As the door opens so do the floodgates of sound. Screams and cheers dull my senses as Zelena leads us off the train. Smirk, not smile. Be confident. Not afraid. Not weak. You are not weak. I keep my head high and a smirk planted on my face as we enter the remake centre. Once inside Bran turns to me and shares that my stylist team will meet me at my station to be prepared for the tribute parade, and he would be there in a bit to discuss the plan for the parade.
A peacekeeper comes by and directs me to my room. As I sit on the cold white table my mind drifts…
"HARDER HIT ME HARDER GIRL" my father spits at me. My entire body feels like lead and we have been at this for hours. "Please dad, please. I can't, I am so tired" I beg him. I should have known better as his only response is to punch me in the face knocking me onto my back as I cry. "You need to be stronger girl. Your brother and mother were weak and now they are dead. YOU WILL NOT BE WEAK" With a final kick to my stomach he marches off while muttering about me being useless.
As I curl into myself I think if only I could be numb, I wouldn't be weak then.
My thoughts are interrupted as a knock on my door sounds and three extravagantly dressed people walk in, "Hello Zea, my name is Lysander and I am your main stylist. These are my assistants Priscilla and Rumina. We are here to make the Capitol fall in love with you. Let's see what we are working with". Priscilla and Rumina come to my side and help me stand in front of Lysander in the middle of the room. I can't help but think, this is where they can make me into whatever they want me to be.
Linkin Park – Numb
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you