DISCLAIMER FROM 2024

At the encouragement of my readers, some of whom have followed me for twenty years, I have decided to reupload my old fanfiction stories. I do this with some reservations. I wanted to revise them before posting them again, but the sheer amount of words involved means that that would take me years to accomplish, and it would be better for me to focus on writing new stories instead. Maybe someday I'll go back and make the edits, but for now, I'm reposting everything, warts and all. So expect characters to be out of character, expect nonsensical sections, and expect there to be many grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes.

In addition, please understand that the story you have in front of you was written by a very different person. I was a teenager who was raised on 90's media, who lived in an abusive household and in a white conservative town. I was steeped in problematic beliefs and had an equally troubling sense of humor. Anything I wrote before 2010 will reflect that.

However, my understanding of the world has grown since then. I'm an adult now, out of the closet and firmly politically left. I'm also much better at my craft these days. It makes me cringe to think about how my earlier writing must have hurt some of my readers.

That being said, these stories were also ones that people loved and missed. If they can still make someone's day brighter, that's worth something. Maybe they can even inspire others by showing them how much someone's writing can grow with time and practice. Plus, my younger self worked hard on these. Even the darkest ones comforted her during a difficult time in her life. So maybe I owe her something better than burying her words.

So, without further ado, welcome to my old fanfics! You're in for a messy and melodramatic experience. As always, I hope you enjoy the read.

END

My heart is breaking again,

Warmed by you once, and thrown to the cold,

Like glass it shatters into so many pieces,

I know it can never again be whole,

So as time trickles by, I remain bleeding,

Weeping for losing your smile and laugh,

Speak to me on the embracing wind, dearest,

And I'll fly to you on death's silver wings.

Blood…crimson…spattered across the smooth white floor in fat droplets.

Who would have thought his blood was red? Having never before truly bled, he'd been unaware of the color of his own vital fluid. Yet it was crimson…not black, not violet…but the same hue as the blood of many other creatures in this world. Human and pokemon alike… How ironic, that even though they shared this similarity, he didn't belong in either species.

Staring at his forearms, slashed by the silver blade he'd formed for this purpose, he wondered why he'd chosen this way to die. Perhaps for the pain…so he could feel himself fade. A gunshot would have been loud, attracting attention, though quick. Falling would have been faster, and would have paralleled his life more appropriately. From high point to ultimate low, crashing in the very end. However, did it matter how he committed this ultimate sin? By taking his own life, he would find no redemption in death.

No…but who said there would be anything afterwards for him? He had not been created by natural means, and so God could not have blessed him with any purpose to offend. Could not have given him a soul to be sent to hell, not to be allowed a chance at salvation. Yet wasn't hell simply a human's nightmare, and heaven a dream? Even if real, he was not one of them, so he couldn't be placed in either afterlife. Pokemon, on the other hand, had paradise…but he was not like them in all honesty. He was something else…and since he'd come from darkness, from nothing…it was there he would return.

It was better this way, that he die slowly, his strength being sapped until he at last fell unconscious; never to awaken. Never to be rescued. He didn't want either of those things anyhow. Perhaps it was fitting then, that no one knew of him. That no one cared. He'd wiped away all memory of himself from those who had. And in doing so, he'd erased his very existence. That was a fate worse than death, in many ways. For in his demise, no one would know. No one would be affected by it. He would simply have never existed…never been alive. That was appropriate however, given how he never should have lived.

He had known his share of despair and emptiness in life. He'd in fact caused most of it himself. By denying the thing inside him called a heart, which he'd merely thought a useless burden, he'd cut off what it meant to live. He'd not truly experienced the positive things to being alive. Joy, tranquility, pleasure, passion, love…in all, happiness. All he had really known was anger, duty…loneliness and sorrow. And how callous the world could be, to a creature like himself.

…At least, he'd experienced that for most of his life.

He hadn't asked for, or wanted, affection. However, it had come in its own way. It had shattered the feeling of purpose he'd sought to gain, the solemn peace he'd built. It had penetrated the stone shields which he'd erected around himself; melted his icy heart. For a moment, he'd seen something more than his fate as an observer, of watching his life slip past him with time. It had opened his eyes to the possibilities of what might occur, if he allowed it. What his life might be….

But in an instant, that was taken from him. That warmth and hope…stolen from his arms before he could get a chance to see where it all might lead. To understand what beauty his future might hold. Now, all too aware of what he'd lost, he was emptier than ever before…alone, and injured inside beyond all repair. It had been bothersome enough previous to that, when he'd been indifferent and scoffing. Not knowing what he was missing. Yet with the option gone, of sunlight and smiles, he was left in the chilly rays of the moon, in anguish. It had worsened tenfold as time had passed, contrary to the common belief.

Mewtwo could not heal…and now, he was only a shadow of what he'd once been…truly, a reflection.

So, he turned to lightlessness once more, embracing it with a crushed heart. Letting the darkness overwhelm him was soothing, promising false relief. Lying to him, poisoning him with his grief. He withdrew, frigidly, from all that might have picked him up after he'd fallen. He'd turned to physical pain to sooth the hurt inside, to see if he was truly alive. To know whether or not he too was dead…like her.

When finding that to be the truth, that he remained, he'd cut into himself deeper, wondering how he deserved such a thing. Purity had been lost, while the bastard demon of night stayed. And for what reason? He looked back to his thoughts of her, trying to make sense of her dying smile. Yet it defied logic…. What had decided her demise, instead of his own? How could he have any living worth, compared to her?

For the second time in his life, he wept…but his tears weren't crystal.

The pale tiles beneath his feet were covered in a dark pool of crimson now. The shadows around him let him be, as though sensing he wanted no consolation from them. By leaving them all behind, he was going into numbness…to oblivion. Whether she'd be there, he could not say. However, the slightest chance of that had further driven him to this decision.

After he collapsed from blood loss, he curled up, freezing inside. Shivering, he closed his eyes. A thousand memories played behind his amethyst gaze, and he smiled silently at some. For there were moments that had been full of potential…and the sweet sound of laughter. The coppery scent faded as his strength did. He felt his spirit drifting, the sense of his body growing cold and stiff. Nearly dead, he sighed out a name, and gave himself over to the end of his life. He was becoming astral, just like her….

Nothingness came…and darkness…and a sense of calm relief, before he vanished completely into eternity. The humanoid feline, the clone, lay dead on the bathroom floor of an abandoned apartment building. The knife he'd committed suicide with, lay on top of a small picture, which shown with the face of a female he'd known only for a short time. Yet, somehow, she'd found her way into the blackest regions of his soul, filling them with light. Somehow, she'd made him see what life could be with love….

And how terrible it could be, without it….