Dear readers!
You've hardly had time to miss me, but a new story can't wait. Honestly, I've been torn the last couple of weeks between it and "When it crumbles..." but, I held on.
Backstory: I didn't plan to write anything until the fall, I had no ideas. But, recently, when I went to the library with my son and wandered between the shelves, I, as usual, found a favourite book and opened the pages at random. It was the second book and that awful (just awful, ugh) conversation between Rhett and Scarlett on the stairs that resulted in her falling down and having a miscarriage. The thought occurred to me, what if the characters had not been on the stairs, it would have seemed less dramatic, but still... Well, and then my imagination went ahead and there is no stopping it:)
I hope I haven't bored you!
As always, I promise a couple of chapters a week. I have some drafts of dialogues and a plot outline, and we'll see:)
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts it's valuable and enjoyable for me.
And I apologize in advance for any mistakes or sloppy phrases, as I'm not a native speaker, but I'm trying:)
Well, I'm finishing my letter, the first chapter is here!
Enjoy reading!:)
P.S. We're already on the 2nd of July and it's my husband's birthday, I'm making the cake in the night and editing the first chapter, it's funny:)
Chapter 1.
On a hot July morning, when the air had not had time to cool down overnight and the leaves on the trees had already turned from bright green to reddish under the scorching Georgia sun, a carriage was driving through the streets of Atlanta.
The man in the brown hat sat with a serious and thoughtful face, holding a little girl in blue dress in his arms, who opposite was joyful. Their young nanny, a cheerful dark-skinned girl, was also joyful and looked out of the carriage window with curiosity. She was happy to come home, after grey London and dull Charleston.
"For God's sake, Bonnie, stop twirling," Rhett said with slight irritation and immediately softened his tone, "we'll be home soon, Honey."
"And we'll see my mummy, won't we?"
Rhett took a deep breath and only nodded. He had asked himself many times if he would have returned to this house he hated, but to a woman he loved so fervently and secretly, if it weren't for their little daughter.
Remembering his hasty departure almost three months ago, the night that had preceded it, he was covered in sweat and his heart began to pound at a frantic pace.
That night he had gone beyond all his bounds both physically and mentally. He was mad with jealousy, though later in the journey he began to think straight and realized that perhaps there had been nothing special there, just a scene retold by an envious woman and a crazy old man.
But he was so jealous of his wife, so angry with her, that she never saw the obvious. He gave himself away completely in the darkness of that hot night, whispering confessions to her that he was afraid to remember. He didn't remember much at all because of the alcohol, but one thing he knew for sure - she didn't push him away. She moved closer to him, she didn't let him out of her arms. The marks of her nails on his back made him remember how desperate and passionate that night had been. Even after everything, she fell asleep on his chest with her arms wrapped around him, as if afraid he would disappear in the morning. As a matter of fact, he had. He had fled cowardly, with absolutely no idea what he would be able to say to her in the morning.
When he returned after a three-day absence, he immediately went on the attack, calling her a terrible mother, accusing her of not loving and valuing her children and proposing a divorce, then he took his youngest daughter and left. He wasn't proud of that conversation, he knew he'd overreacted. And remembrance how he had compared his wife to a whore made him want to wring his own neck.
Now, pulling closer to the house with each passing minute, he dreaded to imagine what might be waiting for him there.
Scarlett sat in her study of her huge, luxurious house. The house she loved so much and her husband hated so much. A home that had become so empty since the departure of him with their youngest daughter.
The young woman was dressed in a dark green house dress and her hair was loose, only gathered with combs at the sides. She was pale and pensive as she sat at her desk, nibbling on the tip of her pencil and trying to concentrate on her reports. Scarlett had decided not to make a trip to the shop today but to stay home, the morning sickness continued to wear her down and last night she had felt a slight pain in her lower back and decided to take care of herself and rest. She hadn't been to the sawmill since that embarrassing incident with Ashley that had left her favourite man, her friend a silent and cold hero and her a whore in the eyes of the town. Scarlett despised cowardice, and Ashley's silence in this situation discouraged her more than her own husband's behaviour.
Scarlett looked sadly out the window, but then put her hand on her barely visible belly and smiled shyly.
Rhett left, saying a lot of horrible things to her, calling her a terrible mother (yes, it's easy to be a perfect father when you have a lot of money), but most offensively, comparing her to a whore. And as always, the comparison was not in her favour. His whore was the one with the "heart of gold," and she...
Scarlett squeezed her eyes shut and wrinkled her nose slightly at the unpleasant memory. No, she would not remember this conversation. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she didn't believe Rhett was telling the truth. He had acted towards her with such hatred that morning. It couldn't have been real.
Because there was that night.
She remembered them in the hot darkness.
She felt that Rhett had been real, exactly real that night, because he couldn't play that. The way he'd hugged and kissed her, how passionately he'd made love to her for the first time in years. The way he whispered with hot lips, "I love you, do you hear? I love you, Scarlett, only you!" She couldn't have dreamed it, for his voice echoed in her ears.
"Was he jealous of Ashley, he confessed it in the dining room..." she thought, remembering not only the conversation, but his hot, desperate whisper in the bedroom, "You're mine, Scarlett, you hear me, you're mine! Tell me that, tell me that..."
And she faintly whispered, between his desperate kisses, "Yes...I'm yours... Only yours... Rhett..." His rhythm quickened with each movement and everything led to a bright explosion. She wanted to be his.
The result of that night of love was a baby, whom Scarlett not only wanted for the first time, but had already grown to love. She imagined it would be a boy like his father. She dreamed that now that she didn't have to worry about money, now that the war was over, she would finally be able to try to be a better mother not only to the future baby, but also to her older children.
Wade and Ella were quiet and shy children. Well-mannered and convenient children. But they really were afraid of her. Scarlett sadly acknowledged those words from Rhett. But, she also knew that she could be a better if she wanted to! She always got what she wanted and this time her goal was family and children. And she was already taking timid, awkward steps towards her older children and they, to her surprise, were responding with kindness and love.
And Scarlett also dreamed, quietly, afraid to admit it to herself. She imagined in the dark of night in her bedroom, where no one seemed to be able to infringe on her dreams.
That Rhett would return, she would quietly share the news with him and he would hug her, for he loves children so much, he loves their Bonnie. And when the baby was born, Scarlett believed his cot in her bedroom would attract her husband there as well.
There was no way she could ask Rhett to come back to her bedroom, but she wanted it so badly! But fear of his ridicule kept her from taking direct action, and this baby could help them.
Scarlett ran her hand gently over her belly once more, noted that it ached slightly, and decided that a little rest would help her.
But, her thoughts were interrupted first by the sound of a carriage pulling up, then by the sound of the door opening, and then by the laughter and cries of her youngest daughter, "Mummy, Mummy! Mummy, where are you?"
Scarlett rose quickly from her chair, pale but so joyful. Her heart hammered harder and her ears rattled. She heard his voice in the hallway too, asking Mammy something and her palms sweated.
"Bonnie, baby, I'm here," she answered loudly, hurried to the ajar door and in a few moments she was crouched down and hugging her youngest daughter on the threshold of her study.
Breathing in that baby honey-milk smell of Bonnie's hair, kissing her soft cheeks, Scarlett only repeated, "Bonnie, baby, I missed you so much... I missed you so much, honey..."
Bonnie snuggled up to her mother and a sense of peace filled her little heart. She was home, and at home was her mummy.
Hugging her youngest daughter, in her light blue cotton dress with white collar, looking at her face, Scarlett did not immediately notice his gaze. When she heard a cough, she looked up and almost smiled at her husband, but seeing his indifferent gaze, Scarlett rose and took her daughter's hand in hers with a nod.
Rhett watched his wife and daughter from a distance and then, driven by his heart and excitement, came closer. God, how he missed her... However, he decided not to reveal his true emotions at once and put on his mask. And her calm, almost indifferent gaze and only a nod in his direction only made it worse.
"Mrs Butler, I presume," Rhett began and his tone was cold. Scarlett flinched and seeing Mammy nearby called out to her and said to her youngest daughter, "Bonnie, Honey, Ella is upstairs playing dolls. You missed your sister too, didn't you, Honey? Mammy, would you please take her to the nursery," Scarlett said in a calm voice. There were decisions brewing inside her and she realized that she was about to have a serious conversation with her husband.
Mammy took the little miss and quietly withdrew with her, listening to the many stories Bonnie told. In her almost three years the little girl was very talkative.
Scarlett and Rhett stood in the doorway of her study, watching her youngest daughter, and then Scarlett slipped quietly through the ajar door, noting that her lower belly still ached. "Probably from excitement and nerves," she thought and prayed that Rhett wouldn't follow her now.
But he stepped into the study and even closed the door slightly. Scarlett stopped at the window, turned to him and folded her arms across her chest like a shield.
Rhett began with an attack, "Well, well, Mrs Butler, so this is all that you have to offer your 'much-loved daughter' whom you haven't seen in three months! Hmm, you don't change, Darling."
Scarlett answered him angrily, "You're the one who stole my daughter from home!"
"I'm her father and I took her to meet her grandmother, there's nothing illegal about that, Darling," he answered her in a cold tone.
Scarlett waved her hands and realized that another fight could not be avoided.
"And anyway, Mrs Butler," he continued in a sarcastic tone, "you're so pale, I guess it because of you forgot to buy blush? Or is it from pining for your much-loved husband?" he finished with a smirk.
Scarlett turned away from him, looked out the window and said, "It's because of you."
Rhett didn't understand her phrase and said with a grin but with a nervous look she couldn't see, "I don't understand you, My Dearest Wife..."
Scarlett couldn't stop herself, he was so sarcastic, so cold. So he really had been so drunk that night that he'd said some of the things she'd believed.
"What a fool I am," she thought, and exclaimed in a cold tone, turning to him, "Yes, it's because of you! I'm ... I'm expecting a baby," she added more quietly.
Rhett seemed shocked, but only for a moment. Then he looked back at her and met her eyes only to grin, "So who's the happy father?" she heard him say next.
Scarlett seemed speechless at his question. "How can he ask such a thing of me...after that night... "a thought flashed through her mind, but she only said, "You... You... How dare you ask such questions?"
Rhett grinned again and, hating himself for the next words, said, "Well Honey, judging by what the whole town has been talking about for the last few months, I'm well within my rights to ask, if a blond baby is born, can I not give him my last name?"
She gasped with indignation and said angrily, "You know it! You know it's yours! But I wish it wasn't! I wish this baby was anybody's but yours! No woman would want children with a cad like you!"
Rhett turned slightly pale, but grinned crookedly and said distinctly in the silence of the study, "Cheer up, maybe you'll still have a miscarriage."
She heard his last phrase and everything inside her shivered.
"God, he really thinks that baby isn't his. He would never have said that to me when I was carrying Bonnie..."
She must have gone pale, for Rhett was staring at her, nervously waiting for a reaction.
Scarlett summoned all the excerpt of the Robillard family, all the French coolness she'd inherited from her haughty grandmother.
She smiled crookedly and coldly, and if Rhett had seen the portrait of Solange Robillard hanging in Tara, he would have marvelled at the resemblance between grandmother and granddaughter. All things Irish were forgotten at that point.
Gathering her thoughts, she took a deep breath and spoke in a cold tone, with a smile that made this whole conversation even more dramatic.
"Well, thank you, Rhett. That was an original wish. You know how to surprise me, as always."
She realized that her excerpt was running out, that she needed to get to her bedroom quickly and there, behind closed doors to cry into her pillow.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a couple more things to do today," here she flashed her green eyes, he'd never seen her like this before. It was like... A quiet rage. He had seen such a glint in the eyes before in a man's eyes, who had challenged him to a duel once.
"Welcome home, Rhett," she said sarcastically, emphasising the word 'home' and walked out of the study.
Scarlett walked quickly towards the stairs, afraid that he would want to continue the conversation and that's when she would just burst into tears and embarrass herself in front of him. "No way in hell, Scarlett!"
She climbed the stairs and held on tightly to the banister, she could feel him coming out behind her and his gaze burning into her straight back. But, she walked higher and higher to her bedroom. If she had looked back for a moment, she would have seen the bitter regret in his eyes and he would have hugged her.
But, she reached the end of the stairs, took a breath and quickly headed for her room. A couple of seconds later too familiar sound of the door closing was heard.
Rhett stood stunned at the foot of the stairs, unable to comprehend everything that had happened in the last five minutes. She was expecting a baby. His baby, he knew that for sure. That night of love and passion had not gone unnoticed. His thoughts were jumbled, he remembered the things they had said to each other in a fit of anger and he wanted to pound his fist on the wall to hurt himself physically and not think about the mental pain. He needed a drink. He needed to get away and think.
But, it was still morning, at least he needed to be home for two hours. To change after the road, to talk to the older children. Rhett sighed tiredly and started up the stairs.
Scarlett sat on the chair by the window in her room, trying to find a comfortable position so she wouldn't be in so much pain. Like a wounded animal, she twisted and turned, trying to sit more comfortably, putting a pillow under her back. But her lower belly ached more and more. It frightened her; in her previous pregnancies she had not experienced any pain at all until the birth.
She tried to push away thoughts of the horrible conversation they'd had in the study. But his voice echoed in her ears and she closed her eyes in despair and resentment.
He didn't believe it was his child. That night was hardly special to him, he was just drunk. He might not have recognized himself as the baby's father. He didn't want it.
Her heart beat faster and tears came to her eyes and she gently placed her hands on her belly.
"It doesn't matter all that much... I'll think of something... I'll think of something. The important thing is that I want it," she tried to mentally reassure herself.
A couple of hours later, dozing in her chair, she woke up to the sound of the front door slamming. Something inside her shivered, for it was he who had left.
Scarlett heard the sound of a carriage pulling away.
She was afraid to leave her room, afraid to find out if her youngest daughter was home, if he'd left with his things or hurried off to his red-haired whore.
Any thought resonated with pain.
There was a knock on her bedroom door and Mammy entered with a concerned look on her face.
"Miss Scarlett, the children have sat down to lunch, will you join them? Mr Rhett has gone out on business..." the old maid announced and looked worriedly at her too pale mistress.
"Bonnie," Scarlett spoke softly, "is she at home?"
"Of course, Miss Scarlett, where else would she be?"
Scarlett breathed a sigh of relief and suddenly said, "Mammy, can you call for Dr Meade, I don't feel well..."
Mammy walked over to her, noticed the pallor, the sweat on her forehead and, touching her, said, "You have a fever, Miss Scarlett! Get to bed quickly, I'll send for doctor." She quickly helped Scarlett to lie down, she did not resist, the pain was very great and as she covered her eyes she heard Mammy's concerned voice, "Prissy, come here quick! Where are you? We need Dr Meade here! Come on, come on! What are you looking at me... And get Miss Melly." Scarlett heard the end of the sentence and felt a little calmer. "Melly will help, she'll help sort things out... Melly always helps..." were her thoughts before she drifted off into what she thought was sleep.
She lay in delirium and heard some fragments of phrases...
"She is feverish and delirious... Yes, that's the kind of condition you can get with blood loss like that. Besides, I had to intervene,her body was struggling, but there was no stopping the process. Where's Captain Butler? Stop crying. She's strong. Yes, the baby can't be saved. It's a miscarriage..."
She heard it all, spinning in dark streams of pain and her own consciousness. She was being tormented physically and emotionally...
"Please..." she whispered, but what came next was only a sigh...She tried to scream, "Don't leave me with this pain, I can't take it..."
"I ask again, where is Captain Butler? Why don't you know? He must be found..."
Through the darkness and heat, she tried to scream, but only a whisper came out... "No, no, no..."
"She's delirious..."
But, Scarlett wasn't delirious. "Don't need Captain Butler," she tried to say, but all she got was a moan.
Her husband didn't want her. Her husband didn't want this baby. They needed him so badly, but he didn't want them.
His face suddenly appeared in front of her with a cold smile, her mind latched on to the word "miscarriage" coming from somewhere and all she heard was, "Cheer up, maybe you'll still have a miscarriage."
"He should be called in case he has to make important decisions," said a stern male voice.
"Am I going to die," she caught the thought in the darkness and flood of pain..."The poor children..."
"She's his wife, and he's the father of her children," the stern voice repeated, but Scarlett heard in the darkness, "And who's the happy father?"
She saw his face again, the smirk, the eyes full of coldness and disgust for her, for them... "If a blond baby is born, can I not give him my ..."
"No, no, no..." she screamed, but only a whisper was heard, in this July heat...
She felt herself sinking into an abyss of pain and drifting away into the darkness, that no one could help her, and there was no strength...
A barely audible whisper and she made no more sound, only quiet moans in oblivion.
Scarlett had lost her baby.