The Mirror, a when calls the heart fanfic

Continuing to explore Elizabeth's heart and thoughts at the end of season 10. This fic centers around the events of episode 10.10.

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Anger, when it's unjustly placed at the foot of a friend, has a tendency to dissolve into a type of melancholy contemplation that weighs on a soul. Henry didn't deserve her ire anymore than Rosemary had two years ago. He was only trying to be a friend and help her examine her own heart, and she should honestly thank him for that - for encouraging her to see herself more clearly. So she went to the place where she felt most comfortable working out her feelings - her journal.

"Losing Jack was the hardest thing I ever went through, and the thought of losing someone else in the line of duty, one who means so much to me, has rekindled old fears I'd put away. It feels like we have a shadow over us for so many reasons. Things that seemed important yesterday pale in comparison to what is now at stake."

Elizabeth put down her pen and re-read the words she had just written. The word "fear" jumped off the page at her. She had so often avoided looking her fears in the eye and calling them what they were. Thatchers never run from a challenge after all. Sure - she knew on a surface level that she'd been afraid of losing someone again. Who wouldn't be? But that was not the same thing as recognizing that the fear had been a controlling force in her life since Jack's death. The realization was sobering. What had she done because of fear? What had she not done? Perhaps more than she wanted to admit - and definitely more than she wanted to think about right now. Now she needed to turn her attention to facing the scariest thing in front of her - the danger to the town she loved so much.

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Elizabeth stood in front of the mirror, clad in the ugliest dress she'd ever seen. The panic was starting to rise up her spine again. She was trying so hard to put the fears aside and concentrate on her wedding. On the town. But it wasn't working. Nothing was working. Everything was running together, and it was like the universe kept throwing old and new fears alike in her path. She'd just told Rosemary that she wasn't having doubts - but she wondered for the first time if maybe she should talk to Lucas about postponing. She just needed some time after all the stress to find her way again. To conquer her fears. To refocus on Lucas. Because focus was so hard to come by right now...especially when it seemed like everywhere she turned, he was there.

Nathan.

She'd crashed into him on the boardwalk this morning. Literally. She'd tried to keep the conversation light, but it was the first time they'd spoken alone since the hostage situation and she'd felt this desperate need to know he was okay. To let him know that he needed to take care of himself. The words "be safe" had tumbled out of her mouth without her consent, and she'd scampered away as quickly as she could, because she knew he would pick up on it meaning more than simple concern. Because it always had. And he'd always known it had.

And then Rosemary had opened the door to go get her scissors and fix the monstrosity that was the wrong wedding dress. And there he was. Again. And the look in his eyes as he saw her at what she felt was her worst made her feel...calm...and then immediately panicked because that's not how she was supposed to feel when looking at him. She should have been mortified by him seeing her in the dress. But she wasn't. And that mortified her.

Elizabeth looked again at the giant ball of puff and wondered, not for the first time in the last few weeks, who the woman was who was staring back at her in the mirror. She had been so certain she had made the right decision. So ready, she thought, to move forward. And just like that, the certainty was gone and the fear was there in its place.

She looked down, released a breath, and closed her eyes. She just needed to talk herself through this like Rosemary had at the playground the other day. Nathan had been in danger and that had reminded her of how devastating it can be to lose someone you care about. She had reacted to him on the boardwalk and at her door the way she had because she was grateful that he was safe - just like she would be for anyone she considered a friend. But most importantly, she needed to talk to Lucas about the concerns that had been steadily creeping into her heart about their relationship. Elizabeth felt her heart rate start to slow, and she reopened her eyes.

The ball would be starting soon, and she needed to get ready. She couldn't help but lament that a party wouldn't be the best opportunity to talk with her fiancé. These sorts of events were usually where the two of them shined as a couple - him in his immaculate suits and her in her stunning evening gowns. They would look like the picture of romantic bliss, dancing and celebrating with the town about the governor taking their side. But she needed to find a way to talk to him - and it was probably best if she avoided Nathan in the process. Just to make sure she could remain focused on her primary goal.

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Elizabeth's heart was swelling with pride as he stood there, speaking to the people of the town. She knew what it took for him to do this. She knew he needed her support to get through the speech. He didn't believe he was the right man for this - which was a sure sign that he was. As he wrapped up the speech, she came back down to earth after being thoroughly moved by his words.

So much for avoiding him, she thought. She hadn't been in the saloon more than 15 minutes when she saw him pacing and felt herself involuntarily pulled to him to offer him encouragement. And she'd talked with him about Jack. Again. When he'd asked for advice, she'd told him to find a friendly face and focus on that person, but she was still surprised when his eyes found hers and he tilted his head. But she was honored - humbled even that he would still trust her after everything she'd put him through. She had remembered as he spoke about the time he thought about leaving Hope Valley, and how he'd chosen to stay for Allie. But now, listening to him, it was clear that he saw this place and the people in it as home too. That in spite of everything, he was where he was meant to be. And she found herself jealous of the peace he seemed to exude.

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So much for talking to him, she thought. She hadn't been in the saloon more than 15 minutes when he had been whisked away by the governor's people. When they'd realized what was going on between Montague and Balfour, she'd been proud of how well he had stepped up and played his part. She shouldn't have been surprised by it since he'd always had such skill at the card table, but she was. He'd never actually told her he wanted life on a bigger stage like her Aunt Agatha had said. But now, listening to him, it was clear that he had a gift for moving and leading people. That in spite of everything, this was what he was meant to do. And she found herself curious about her place in all of it.

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At home that night after Jack was in bed, Elizabeth once again stood in front of the mirror in her living room and stared at the woman in the reflection. The night had been full of surprises and emotions - but it had made one thing perfectly clear - there were much bigger things at stake than her personal turmoil. It was time to set aside her own wants and needs and take care of the place she called home.

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A few notes here - first - I hope you caught the not-so-subtle nod to my friend maggienhawk's fic about the wedding dress scene called "And There She Was." If you haven't read that, you should. It's a beautiful combo reflection/future fic.

Second - I went for something a little different with the reflection on the two speeches. Would love to know your thoughts on that.

Finally - I don't know if I'm going to go back and finish Nathan's perspective for The Hostage and The Mirror. Or I might go ahead and press forward with the next phase for Elizabeth. We'll see!

As always - I would love to hear your thoughts either here or on Instagram.