The War of Art The Simpsons and the Van Houtens fight over a painting. Lisa gets a guinea pig.

Plot

There's no title gags as we cut straight to the episode

It's morning at the Simpsons house, Homer goes to the refrigerator, he yawns and nearly chokes as he sees a note attached to it.

"Lisa wants a dot dot dot Guinea pig..."

"Hmmm?" He ponders as he gets a turkey drumstick from the fridge.

"They're those small, fluffy things that squeak." said Oscar.

"I thought that was Tribbles..." said Homer.

Oscar shrugged.

Dark Teddy, Teddy the living teddy bear creature's evil counterpart looks in the fridge.

"Zuuuuuul!" Zuul roars.

"What the! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!" He yelled.

Homer showers. He sings Delilah by Tom Jones.

(Homer's awful singing) "La laaaaaaa laaaa..."

Suddenly a message appears when the shower screens fog up with condensation. The message reads "Guinea Pig."

Homer gasped.

Then another appeared. It read: "Red Rum..."

Homer screamed.

On the landing Bart winced.

He bears glass bottles clinking.

Wilbur the bully is outside in a car doing the bottle clinking reference from The Warriors.

Bart winced.

At work. Homer is at his station at the power plant. He is eating a donut.

He swallows hard and gasped because Lisa somehow got past security and stuck,pictures of guinea pigs around his work station.

"How?!" He gasped.

Lenny and Carl arrive wearing shirts with guinea pigs on them.

"Hey, Homer, did you know that guinea pigs are self-groomers?" said Carl.

"And when they get excited, they jump straight up. It's called "popcorning."" said Lenny

"Lisa got to you. I don't know how, but she got to you." Homer sighed.

At his station later on, his internet phone trills and chimes.

"Uh?"

The phone chimes as guinea pig emojis appear in his Snotsapp session.

"Emojis. Now she's gone too far." Homer seethed.

...

A family meeting was called.

"We're having a family meeting!" Homer yelled.

"Are but I have a prank scheduled with Milhouse!" Bart groaned.

"Well reschedule!" Homer barked.

Lisa was sat at the dining room table. She twigged her not so subtle hints had got to Dad.

"Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about all this hinting." Mom sighed.

Homer groaned as Lisa under the table texted him more guinea pig emojis.

Oscar groaned aroused by something. Because he is a pervert...

Cousin Hank frowned at him.

"Oz hands on the table where we can see them..." Bart groaned.

"I've never had a pet of my very own." Lisa whined.

"The cat..." said Homer.

"Dad the cat is older than me... You had her before I was born..." said Lisa.

"The cat's fifth replacement who looks the same as the second..." said Homer.

"Dad that episode is non canon..." said Lisa.

Homer grumbled.

"My clock is ticking." said Lisa.

Oscar cracked up laughing. "Period joke..." Homer slapped him across the head for being crude. "Ow!"

"I don't want to be one of those girls who waits till she's 16 to decide if she's ready, and then it's too late." said Lisa.

"Eeeeeew... Lisa the age of consent is 18 in America..." said Oscar.

"She wasn't talking about that!" Homer yelled.

"Her analogy went there..." said Oscar.

Lisa frowned at Oscar.

Marge and Homer sighed.

"Well, we've talked about it. And if you really want a guinea pig, you'll have to sign this contract."

Homer hands Lisa a very long contract.

"I, Lisa Simpson, hereby promise to take full responsibility for this dog, cat, other." Lisa read it.

Circle "other." Homer didn't give many options other than dog and cat so other pets fell under other.

Hugo's Non Binary class mate who was visiting seethed.

"Xander stop voiding the census! Pick one option!" Oscar yelled.

"I'm neither!" Xander yelled.

"This includes feeding, bathing, "cleaning of droppings and barfings, and when the time comes, burying or flushing." Lisa read the contract. "Boilerplate, boilerplate, boilerplate."

"We can skip all this litter box stuff." said Marge.

"Nuh Uh... I always have to scoop up the poop... Lisa has to clean up after this pet." said Homer.

"If pet becomes lnternet superstar, all rights revert to father." Lisa winced.

"Sign here, here, initial here, one more over here. And done." said Homer.

Lisa was delighted to get a guinea pig.

"I'm getting a guinea pig! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" She hops about delighted.

Bart groans mortified with her.

"The kid-parent contract. Unenforceable, yet you feel like you didn't completely cave." Homer chuckled.

...

They go to a guinea pig farm. A place that sells guinea pigs.

A fat elderly woman, possibly with 72 genders greets them. The room they're guided into has cages everywhere with guinea pigs in them of all colours and sizes.

"You're doing the right thing adopting a rescue pig." said the lady. "You know most of these guys are rejects from the big pig mills of the Mid West." said the lady.

Oscar was staring at the cute guinea pigs.

"Haaaaaaauuuw! Guinea piggies!" He squealed,

"Oh for the love of limpets!" Bart face palmed.

"Oz have some dignity..." Hugo sighed.

Oscar squealed at the guinea pigs.

"Oh, I can't tell you how many mill pigs we get in here who have bumblefoot or the slobbers." said the lady.

"You don't have children, do you?" said Homer.

Oscar squealed. "Haaaaauuuuuuw! Guinea piggies!"

Bart wept mortified by him.

"This was not a good idea... bringing him..." Marge sighed.

Oscar squealed.

Lisa rah around looking at the guinea pigs.

"This one whistled at me!"

"Ooh, that could be the one."

"Oh, but that orange guy looks like a pumpkin."

"Haaaauw! Pumpkin piggie!" Oscar squeaked.

"(gasps) But this fellow is so fuzzy!"

"Well, they all have their charms." said the lady as Lisa dashed about the farm.

"This one's nibbling a sunflower seed." A guinea pig was eating.

"Look at that hair. Aw, I just want to comb it forever!" Lisa saw a long haired guinea pig hidden under its long fur.

"Lis, that's Donald Trump's wig. It gained sentience and hopped off of his head..." said Bart.

"Uh no... this is a long haired guinea pig..." said the lady running the farm.

"Lady I'm bored..." said Bart.

Oscar squealed as he gawked at the guinea pigs. "Haaaaaauww!"

Hugo face palmed.

"Have you seen a pinker nose?" Lisa saw a guinea pig with a pink nose.

"(gasps) I have now!" A guinea pig had a pinker nose.

"Lisa, you've just got to choose one." Marge sighed. "Lisa?"

"She's gone, honey. She's gone." said Homer. Ie Lisa was obsessed with the guinea pigs.

"That one's fur looks like a tuxedo!" A tuxedo guinea pig.

"A Band-Aid on its tail, aw!" She saw an injured one.

(gasps) "Albino!" A white guinea pig with red eyes.

"Aaaaagh! Albanian! Kill it! Kill it!" Oscar um is racist to Albanians...

Bart glared at him.

"I'm definitely getting this one."

"Oh, but I forgot about this one."

"Oh, my God, I never even saw this one!"

(gasps) "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh..."

"Maybe I should get that sick one."

Homer face palmed.

"If I don't, no one else will. (gasps)"

Marge sighed softly.

Oscar squealed at the guinea pigs.

...

Lisa then pesters Bart to choose for her.

"Bart, list your top five, best to worst. No, no, no, no! Worst to best."

Bart groaned exasperated.

"Kallae Kistnaeeeee!" Oscar rasped running about.

Bart face palmed.

"I just wish the gray one had the brown one's personality.." said Lisa looking at two guinea pigs next to each other.

"I can do that..." Hugo grinned holding a ray gun that switches minds.

"Hugh no!" Bart Warner him.

"Okay, Dad, give me your phone. I need to look at the pictures again. Aw, aw, aw! Aw, aw!" Lisa cooed at the cute guinea pigs.

Homer groaned getting frustrated.

"Okay, this is the guinea pig that will make me happy." said Lisa near a guinea pig with cream fur.

"She thinks she's decided." Marge sighed relieved.

"Don't say a thing. Don't blow this." said Homer.

"Okay, now, you sure you only want just one? They tend to do better in pairs." said the old lady running the farm.

"(gasps) I could get two?" Lisa gasped.

The Simpsons were horrified.

"Curse you, vile woman! Curse you!" Homer screamed.

They all drive home in a hurry.

"Farting tweakers rule!" Homer yelled.

Oscar laughed.

"Shut up boy..." Homer growled

Lisa is setting up Pokey's habitat. Yes, Pokey...

"I've tried to give Pokey a perfect replica of his natural habitat. Peruvian feather grass, an lncan sleeping mat, and a portrait of Marisol Espinoza, the Vice President of Peru."

"Haaaaaaauuuuuuw!" Oscar squealed.

Bart face palmed.

"It also needs Marsupilami..." said Oscar.

Bart slapped himself harder and grunted flustered.

"Oz... Marsupilami is a fictional character..." Lisa sighed.

"Are you sure you didn't create a perfect habitat for you?" Bart sighed.

"I wish I could live in there." said Lisa sighing with joy.

"Well, there's plenty of room because Pokey's gone." said Bart. The guinea pig went missing.

(Lisa gasps) "Where'd he go?"

Pokey squeaked from somewhere.

"This looks like a job for... fireplace tongs." said Homer holding coal tongs. They clanged as he operates them.

Pokey squeaked and fled under a couch.

"No!" Lisa cried.

Pokey squeaked and chewed through the wall and hid.

"Oh no! He's in the walls!" Marge gasped.

"They're in the walls..." Oscar kept quoting Alien.

Bart face palmed.

"I hear chewing." said Lisa.

"No, that's a much bigger animal. " said Homer.

Oscar laughed.

"Everyone just stop quoting Alien!" Bart yelled.

Plot 2

Lisa gasped as the thing in the walls scrabbled about under the dry wall.

Suddenly Pokey chewed his way through the wall and out through the picture of a boat. He squeaked.

"Kettle corn. The hеrοin of the farmers' market." said Homer looking at Pokey's food.

"Also Eduardo, your pen pal..." said Oscar.

Homer seethed at him.

Pokey squeaked impatiently.

"Pokey!" Lisa collected Pokey from the hole in the wall.

"Our boat painting!" Marge wept.

"I'm sorry, Mom." Lisa sighed.

"(groans) That's okay, sweetheart. Your pig thingy didn't mean it." said Mom.

Pokey squeaked.

"Haaaaauw!" Oscar squealed.

Bart glared at him while Lisa put Pokey back in his habitat.

"Oh crap! There's a hole in our wall!" Homer lamented.

"Our poor little boat..." Marge sighed.

Oscar sang Too Close by Next.

Homer glared at him.

"It's just, it felt comforting to know that while we watched TV, there was art going on behind us." said Marge.

Homer groans.

"Oh, well, I guess we have to go to an art gallery and buy a new painting." said Bart.

Oscar scoffed at his idea. "Bart that's ridiculous... Do you have any idea how much a work of art can be..."

Bart shrugged.

"Millions of dollars!" said Oscar.

"Sure, we could go to a fancy gallery and spend a bunch of money, or..." said Homer.

"Please suggest rob the gallery..." Oscar cut in.

"Oz no! No art robbery!" Lisa groaned.

Pokey squeaked with disapproval.

...

They end up at the Van Houten's house. They are looking at random old things from the attic that Kirk and Luanne are selling.

Homer is investigating a violin. "Hmmmmm..."

"Yeah, Milhouse played the violin for years until it turned out the vibrations were screwing up his bones." said Kirk.

"Right..." said Homer.

He examines the violin.

"Stradi- Whosit?!"

"Stradivarius, Dad. They're very expensive and val-Mmmmph!" said Hugo but Homer hand gagged him.

"Ssshhhh! Don't let the sap know the value of what he is flogging..." Homer hissed.

Homer examines the violin thoughtfully. "Oh look..." He shook his head. "Someone used Cello rosin on it..."

"All rosin is the same rosin... Dumbo..." said Oscar.

Homer growled.

"Uh The wrong rosin makes the fiddle or bow sticky... probably why Jurkle's violin playing produces irritating shrill squeaks." said Lisa.

"While you all geek out over old possibly valuable crap I'll hang out with Milhouse..." said Bart.

"Hey Bart." said Milhouse.

Milhouse's smartphone chimed. "Oscar just texted that Lisa got a guinea pig." He read the text. "Awww... why couldn't Lisa tell me that herself?"

"Because you keep stalking her as a lovesick koala..." Bart groaned.

Oscar snapped his fingers and turned Milhouse into a koala.

Bart winced.

Back at Homer and Marge, Marge sees a lovely painting.

"Oh, my gosh, that's beautiful!" Marge gasped.

"I've never seen a painting with a lighthouse before." Homer remarked.

Hugo face palmed.

"What?" Homer asked.

"Dad, many artists have felt inspired to paint a picture of a lighthouse..." Hugo sighed.

"Like the Lighthouse Family!" Oscar yelled delighted.

"Oz that is a band!" Hugo yelled frustrated.

...

Still at Kirk and Luanne's house.

"Oh, that. That was on the wall of Kirk's bachelor pad, back when we were (whispers): separated." said Luanne.

Oscar chuckled. "Scandalous..."

"Yeah, it's a great piece. I didn't have a mirror, so I shaved in the reflection of the chrome frame." said Kirk.

"Chrome? You know what they say about a man who likes chrome... Hehehehe... Hellooooooo!" Hugo acted gay.

Homer snarled.

"This could be our new living room painting." said Marge.

"I don't know. How about this poster of a really rocking jukebox? You know it's rocking 'cause music notes are coming out of it." said Homer.

Marge rolled her eyes.

"Painting's only 20 bucks." said Kirk.

"Oh, please, Homie?" Marge begged.

"I'll throw in the tiny violins." said Kirk.

Homer played on the violins beautifully.

"Hotdog fingers!" Oscar yelled.

Homer sighed.

"Fanged peanut brittle..." he rasped.

Bart face palmed.

On the walk home.

"Hey Oscar." said Richard, Bart's friend.

"MALKAFOFET!" Oscar rasped.

Bart face palmed.

Richard seemed unphased by his antics.

"I can't stay and talk. I wet my diaper." Oscar casually admits.

Hank seethed.

Bart sighed.

Oscar lets out a bored sigh.

The scruffy-haired boy followed the Simpsons home.

...

The Simpsons house, lounge. Marge puts up the new painting.

"Oh, it looks great!" she was delighted with it.

"Well... to me, it looks like... garbage salad." said Bart.

Marge gave him a vexed look.

Oscar laughed.

"But that's the great thing about art. Everyone can have their own opinion about why it sucks." Bart explained.

"I've got to get rid of this ugly chrome frame from Kirk's bachelor bad." said Marge. " I hate to think of the things this mirror has reflected."

"I want to imagine that..." said Oscar frowning.

"Oscar no!" Marge told him off.

"Imagining..." said Oscar thinking perverted thoughts.

Marge sighed exasperated.

Cousin Hank seethed in rage.

Lisa sighed.

Marge frowns at Oscar before ripping off the picture frame.

"Hey, look. There's a signature that the frame covered up. "Johan Oldenveldt."" said Bart stated.

Lisa opened up the laptop and everyone watched her browse the web.

"Here he is!" said Lisa.

Bart gawked. "I highly doubt he gargled custard on the moon with T.S Elliot..."

Lisa sighed. "Oscar stop vandalising the article..."

Oscar was mucking up the article while typing on his Mypad.

"Johan Oldenveldt, painter. "Lived in Amsterdam, Paris. Prolific early 20th century naturalist."" said Lisa.

Oscar screamed. "He was butt naked all the time?!"

"Oz that is a naturist..." Lisa sighed.

Bart face palmed.

"Ooh, I think this was painted by someone famous." said Marge.

"Or naked..." said Oscar.

Bart seethed.

"Maybe it's valuable. We should have it appraised." said Lisa looking up the artist.

"Pfft! You guys are crazy. I never even heard of that guy. It's not like it was painted by Leonardo Da Vinci Code." Homer scoffed.

Oscar laughed a shrill laugh.

Bart growled annoyed.

"Dad he's just Leonardo Da Vinci... The book came later..." Lisa sighed.

"Now, here's what makes art valuable- One: nudity, two: holograms, three: something terrible happening to Jesus." said Homer.

Suddenly Silas the Killer albino monk broke in and tried to stab Homer.

Homer screamed and fled.

Bart face palmed.

...

They all get the painting appraised by an expert. Basically some old guy with glasses examined the painting.

"Ah yes, seascape, marvelous natural light, classic use of gouache. You're right. This is an early-career Oldenveldt." said the old art appraiser in a wheezy voice.

Lisa nodded.

"Quite valuable." said the appraiser.

"Oh, my God!" Marge gasped.

"I expect it to go somewhere between 80 to $100,000." said the appraiser.

Homer fainted with a loud clunk. Hugo chuckled.

"This reminds me of that episode of Only Fools and Horses where the main characters finally become millionaires." said Oscar.

Bart winced. "Oscar we don't get British TV programmes here, we don't know what that is..."

Homer immediately regains consciousness and pulls everyone away from the painting as if protecting it obsessively.

"Nobody touch it!" Homer yelled. He covered Bart's eyes. "Bart, stop looking at it!"

"But I want to see it!" Bart whined.

"No, you'll wear it out!" Homer yelled.

Lisa face palmed.

"Baby, you saw something in this painting, and you were right." Homer released Bart to scoop up his wife in a romantic embrace.

"Wow, the Van Houtens owned this for years, and never knew how much it was worth." said Marge.

Homer frowned. He felt consumed by greed.

"Think how happy they'll be when we sell it and split the money with them." said Marge.

"Split it? Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... whoa! " Homer gasped before saying whoa a lot.

His smartphone rang. He abruptly ended the call.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."

Marge frowned.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa..." Homer continued.

"Homer stop doing that!" Marge yelled.

Homer stopped yelling whoa.

"It's like a squad car siren..." said Hugo in awe.

"Or that weird Crash Bandicoot meme..." said Oscar.

...

At home.

"Split it with them?" Homer yelled.

"Kirk and Luann didn't know what the painting was worth when they sold it." said Marge.

"Yes, they sold it to us. So, now it's our painting." said Homer.

"We can hang it on our wall, cut eyeholes in it to spy on people!" Oscar said with glee.

Bart glared at him and draws his thumb across his own throat.

"Or sell it for lots of money which we keep." said Homer.

"For ourselves?" Bart asked.

"This dude gets it." said Homer.

Marge frowned.

Plot 3

The debate of what to do with the painting continues.

"But the Van Houtens are our friends." said Marge.

"Are they, Marge?" Homer said dryly. "If you think about it, aren't they really just the parents of a kid who happens to hang out with our kid?"

"All our friends are like that." said Marge.

"Except Lewis and Richard's parents who we've never met..." said Oscar.

Bart face palmed.

"Well, how would you feel if we sold them something that turned out to be valuable?" Marge asked Homer with a hard look.

"I would feel A) Happy for their good fortune, B) Proud to know rich people, and C) Grateful for an opportunity to learn from a mistake." said Homer.

Marge frowned.

The doorbell rings.

"Leprechaun!" Lisa chirped in a delighted manner.

Bart face palmed. "Stop making her do that!"

Oscar laughed.

"Homer this is very selfish of you!" Marge berated Homer going to answer the door. Homer gasped. "You've been taken by Mammon!"

Mammon, the demon of greed was there. "Take the money, take the money, take the money..."

Homer frowned.

The guest was a door to door salesman.

"Good afternoon ma'am. May I interest you in-" Marge hastily slams the door on him.

"Aww... he might have been selling bendy dinosaurs..." Oscar whined.

We cut to One Foot in the Grave. "Bendy dinosaurs..." said some guy selling toy dinosaurs.

Back at the Simpsons Bart frowned at Oscar for constantly suggesting stupid things.

"How about this? What if we give the Van Houtens 25% of the money?" Marge asked.

"Then they'll just be mad about the 65% that we're keeping." said Homer.

"75%..." said Oscar.

"We'll be taxed commission at the auction..." Homer snarled.

"Marge, you like kindness, right?" said Homer in a sarcastic manner.

"Sure." said Marge.

"So, even if we gave Kirk and Luann some of the money, the knowledge of what they could have had will eat away at them, like piranhas devouring a wounded yeti." said Homer.

Oscar laughed. "Cooooool!"

Bart winced baffled.

"That wouldn't make a lick of sense! A yeti would never encounter piranhas! Piranhas live in the Amazon rainforest! Yetis, if they were real, live on the tops of mountains!" Hugo ranted.

Homer face palmed. "I hate this kid..."

...

Homer goes to the fridge to get a snack.

The ghost of Vincent Van Gogh appears.

Homer screamed. "Agggggh! A Dutchman!"

"You craven swine! I am Vincent Van Gogh! A painter!" said Van Gogh.

Homer trembled. "What do you want from me?"

"Share the worth of the painting with the Van Houtens!" said the ghost of Van Gogh.

Homer frowned. "Okay Oz is this some kind of prank..."

"This is no prank! Share the money!" Van Gogh wailed.

Homer sighed ignoring the ghost as he looked for Oscar around any corners, possibly holding a microphone or something.

However Oscar didn't appear to be in the house.

The rest of the family go to the guinea pig farm.

They pass a sign that says "Fighting Tweakers, high on Meth."

"Meth..." Oscar rasped.

Bart face palmed.

"Meth..." Oscar rasped.

"Oscar stop that!" Marge told him off.

They arrive at the cheap pet food store.

"Because the one in the mall is too expensive and the owner swears." said Marge.

"We need far more vegetables now for Dino and Lisa... and Pokey..." said Oscar.

Pokey squeaked.

Lisa grinned.

Dark Teddy explains he likes Karaoke.

"Karaoke is for old people who can't sing..." Bart laughed.

"I have talent!" Dark Teddy seethed offended. "I'll have you know Karaoke is a legitimate art form!"

At home Homer admires the expensive painting.

"Soon baby, you'll make daddy very rich... soon..." said Homer.

"Share the money..." Vincent Van Gogh wailed.

Homer screamed and fled.

"Keep all the money..." said Mammon.

Homer whimpered.

...

One day someone over heard Homer and Marge debating the value of the painting.

"It's kinder never to tell them." said Homer.

"Okay, I see your point. We should sell the painting, keep all the money, and never, ever tell the Van Houtens." said Marge defeated.

They hear an asthmatic pump hissing as its an asthmatic person is dosing themselves with their inhaler.

Marge and Homer gasped. Milhouse was nearby within earshot. He is dosing himself with his inhaler.

They kidnapped him! "Heeeeeey!" He whined when they dragged him off somewhere.

"What'll it take to buy your silence?" Homer frowned, playing the bad guy.

"Hmm." Milhouse ponders.

Some time passes...

"Okay, Milhouse, the guys in back are shining up your new bike." said Homer.

There was a shiny new bike.

"Can they shiny up my nose?" Teddy asked. Teddy your wet black nose is shiny enough already...

"And all I have to do is not say anything about some painting to my Mom and Dad?" asked Milhouse.

"Oh, sweetie, you want your parents to be happy, don't you?" Marge asked.

"I guess." said Milhouse.

Homer laughed. "I guess." He mimicked Milhouse. "You're funny! No wonder Lisa's in love with you."

"She is?!" Milhouse gasped with joy.

"She is?!" Marge was baffled.

Homer gave Lisa a sharp look.

"Dad no! No freaking way! I don't like Milhouse!" Lisa yelled.

"Then I guess I won't keep quiet about the painting..." Milhouse frowned.

Homer glared at Lisa.

"Dad no one here agrees with greedily keeping the money! You're selfish and I'll never love Milhouse just to keep him quiet about the painting!" Lisa yelled.

Marge sighed.

"Guys Lisa is not that easy to crack..." said Oscar.

Later...

"So, if I keep my mouth shut, you get me new wheelie sneakers, and Bart agrees to promote and encourage use of my new cool nickname, "C.J."" Milhouse asked.

"Well..." Homer pondered.

"No friggin way!" Bart arrived in a hurry.

"But boy!" Homer yelled flustered.

"Milhouse enough of the weird shenanigans! No one is calling you CJ!" Bart yelled.

"But we can re-enact that scene from Grand Theft Auto!" Oscar whined.

Bart face palmed.

...

The next day. Marge is busy on the phone to someone.

"Honey..." Homer asked.

"Not now Homer! My mother, my sisters and James are coming over for Sunday dinner!" Marge was on the phone to her mother. "No mother, I don't think I should have married a chimp..."

There is squeaky chattering on the line.

Homer groaned as he hated the in laws.

Cousin Hank seethed as he is triggered like an upset Karen by Erik's fanon.

"Works by old masters such as Oldenvelt could sell for millions Mr Simpson!" The expert in old works of art gasped.

Homer had dollar signs in his eyes. "Ka-ching!" He was delighted, full of glee.

"And the Van Houtens could have half those millions too... Oscar rasped annoyed.

"Fat chance... It's all mine..." Homer said in a venomous tone.

"May Mammon take you to Hell!" Oscar cursed the name of the demon of greed upon him.

Marge sighed. "Oscar stop invoking Mammon. Homer I don't like this new greedy side of you!"

Homer scoffed.

Uncle Herb sat down in a grim mode, his face a pale tone.

"What's up with Herb..." asked Oscar.

"His latest broad had a miscarriage." said Homer.

"So now is a bad time to ask him for an egg..." said Oscar.

Homer frowned. "Yes Oscar..."

Marge sighed, ending the call.

"Okay, my family is coming over for Sunday dinner. So that means no shenanigans Oscar..." said Marge.

Oscar was dressed as a clown and squeaking a clown horn.

Marge frowned. "And Homer, keep your pants on..."

Homer groaned and dipped his hand in his bag of chips.

Herb wept.

"And console your half brother. I do feel sympathy for him but I don't want weepy guests at the table..." Marge sighed.

Herb bawled.

Homer frowned at Marge. "Come on Herb, dry your eyes." The two men left.

"I'll make the gravy." said Grampa.

"Hell no!" Oscar yelled in horror.

Marge frowned.

"He'll put coffee in it!" Oscar yelled.

...

Later someone knocks at the door.

"It's Bob Dylan!" Oscar yelled.

Bart face palmed.

"INAPPROPRIATE!" Hank seethed.

"Hey that's my line!" Dark Teddy whined.

Homer answers the door. Luanne and Kirk were there with Milhouse. They were not happy...

"You found out that painting was worth big bucks, and you weren't gonna tell us?!" Kirk yelled.

"I don't know what you're talking about." said Homer feigning innocence.

(loud whisper): "Hide the treasure!" He whispered to Marge.

Marge went "Hrrrrrrrmmmmm..." in a deeply vexed tone.

"I'm sorry, Mr. S. I cracked!" Milhouse whined.

"Hehehehe... he's an egg..." Oscar chuckled.

Bart face palmed.

Herbert wept.

"We had a deal." Homer seethed at Milhouse.

"And now we've got nothing!" Kirk yelled.

"And I! Have some butter... Hehehehe..." Oscar chuckled holding a tub of butter.

Bart scowled at him.

"We considered you our friends." Kirk yelled.

Homer laughed.

"Dad, I like Milhouse..." Bart seethed.

"We trusted you!" Luanne seethed.

"After the bra incident?" Oscar winced.

"I let Homer use our master bathroom!" Kirk yelled.

"I took a massive dump in there and didn't flush..." said Homer insulting them.

"Then you stab us in the back!" Luanne yelled.

"Like the hungry Casca brothers to the noble Caesar!" Hugo snarled.

Everyone gawks at him.

"I happen to read Shakespeare! Half-wits!" Hugo snapped. He went upstairs in a huff.

"If you knew you sold a valuable painting for nothing, how could you live with yourselves?" Luanne yelled.

Marge and the kids glare at Homer.

Plot 4

Still at the front door, the two families argue.

"We're blaming you too Marge." Luanne frowned.

Marge gasped. "I told him to inform you and share the value of the painting!"

"Yes but he talked you into keeping tight lipped about it!" said Luanne sharply.

"We were being kind..." Homer seethed.

"No Dad, you were being greedy..." Lisa said coldly.

"Kind?! You call it kind to give us nothing?" Kirk yelled.

"We were gonna treat you to dinner at an upscale chain restaurant and never explain why, but now forget it!" Homer berated the blue haired nerd.

"Oh, so that's how it is!" Kirk frowned.

"That's exactly how it is." Homer said in a cold tone. Averting his gaze from Kirk.

"You mock us constantly!" Luanne yelled.

"You look exactly alike... were you related before you got married..." Homer winced.

"Dad... Eeeeew..." Bart groaned.

"Can we still collect old cellphones for the troops?" Marge asked Luanne.

"I don't know Marge... Your husband seems to have a knack for collecting things..." Luanne said coldly.

"Oh real cold Luanne! I'm shivering!" Homer yelled as the Van Houtens left.

"Oh great! Now they hate us!" Marge yelled.

Homer rolled his eyes.

"See what happens when we get greedy!" Marge ranted.

Mammon, the demon prince of greed gives Homer a shoulder rub. "Don't listen to her honey... that money's all yours... yours!"

Homer whimpered.

He got out a receipt.

"What's this?" Marge asked.

"Our latest ATM receipt.

Their finances were cripplingly low.

"We're barely squeaking by on what Mr Burns pays me..." said Homer.

Marge seethed and screwed it up. "I'd rather be poor with friends! Than rich with no friends!"

Homer head butts the wall frustrated.