"How are you holding up on this case, Alex?"
She turned onto her side and stared at JJ, trying to find the right words to say to the younger woman. After the intimate moment they had shared on the previous case, Alex knew that they had formed a stronger bond, one that allowed JJ to feel like she was safe asking probing questions like that. Taking a deep breath, she shook her head. "I think that I will be the one to call Erin tonight. And I don't think that my words will be nice or kind for what we've been seeing here."
"It cuts closer to the bone when the victims are like you. I've noticed that a number of times in the past. Hotch says that you eventually build up a thicker skin and it stops affecting you, but the victims we so often see aren't men. They're usually young, attractive, women. Which sounds so conceited of me to say, to place myself in the attractive category, but I think I am."
Alex smiled a little and nodded. "You are lovely, yes. And it makes sense that you view some of the victims as similar to you. When Erin and I started out in the BSU, it was much the same. We saw ourselves in the victims, which allowed us to see things in a different way from our colleagues. But it also ached to see how people like Max Ryan could shut us down only to be unfailingly kind to victims that we found alive."
JJ gave her a wry smile. "Elle complained about his sexism so much after that case he consulted with us on. Thankfully, I was spared from having to interact with him. Was it really that bad?"
She nodded before turning onto her back and staring up at the ceiling. "Yes, especially considering that Erin and I had two strikes against us. We were women, and we weren't entirely straight. Even still, there's that stigma surrounding women like us in the FBI. I know that that was one of the issues that John Curtis had against us, at least."
"Who?"
She let out a long sigh as she allowed her mind to drift back to the Amerithrax case. "He was our partner during the case that drove us apart. Though we were years away from the first blushes of our love, we were still closer than we should have been during that case. There was a night when we were both staying far too late, and Alan called Erin, trying to get her to come home because Karen was sick, but she told him she couldn't, that we were too deep into whatever we were working on to just stop…"
She paused, not really certain that she wanted to reveal secrets about their lives to JJ, no matter how close they were growing. "You comforted her when she hung up with him, didn't you?" Alex nodded. "And this Curtis guy walked in on it, misconstruing your hug for something more salacious."
"Basically, yes." She was glad that she didn't have to tell JJ that he had caught them doing a little more than kissing, and that he had been quite the lecher about their kiss. "Erin was terrified that he would say something to Alan, but things went south in the case far faster than any of us anticipated, and Erin managed to get the upper hand. I was just the collateral damage, and god if that didn't hurt like a bitch."
"But now you're in a better place. And things are getting a little better for people like us."
"A little." Alex sighed deeply. "I'm too keyed up still. Thank god we're in Texas, so it's slightly warm outside." JJ nodded understandingly, and Alex smiled as she sat up and grabbed her pillow and blanket, carrying them outside and shutting the balcony door. As she sank into the chair in the corner of the balcony, Alex tried to think about what she would say to Erin, as she knew that she was calling a few hours early, which would worry Erin.
Another deep breath slipped through her lips as she made herself comfortable in the chair, wrapping the blanket around her before plucking her phone from her pocket and calling Erin. "I thought that we were going to keep our tradition, darling?" she answered, trying to sound light, though Alex could hear the tension in her voice that underscored her words.
"Well, that was before this fucking father decided to warp and destroy his son for who he loved," she bit out, angry tears finally starting to drip from her eyes. "Dammit, Erin, he forced the unsub to have sex with a woman to make him straight, he sent him to a conversion camp to crush his soul, and there's nothing we can do about it yet, because we can't get the right warrants yet. Garcia is working on it, but dammit."
"Oh, darling. I wish that you were here, or I was there, so that I could comfort you better."
Alex let out a little scoff as she hugged her pillow tightly to her chest with her free arm. "That just makes this worse."
"How so?"
Erin sounded hurt, and Alex frowned, knowing that she needed to make things right. Pulling the phone away from her ear, she pressed the facetime function and waited for Erin's face to appear on the screen. She looked exhausted and sad, and Alex felt a sharp stab of regret at that look, knowing that she had helped put it there. "Because James told me last night, when he called to check in on me, that he understands how much my feelings for you have changed, and he's willing to take a backseat so that I can explore these feelings between us. We haven't, I haven't, Erin…"
"And here we come to the crux of these feelings between us. You love us both, and you don't want to hurt either of us. In doing so, you're tearing yourself apart. Darling, perhaps it's time to choose."
"How am I to choose, when I don't know if we'll work together? He said he would look the other way if we slept together. Which would be fine for you, you're free. I'm still partially his, and it would feel like I wasn't being faithful. I'd feel like I felt when John caught us kissing."
She watched Erin's eyes widen a little before her face fell. "I tried to forget about that, honestly. It was such an integral part in my decision to betray you."
"What?"
Erin licked her lips as she nodded slowly. "Maybe this will make your decision easier, Lexie, I don't know. But when John walked in on us, when he saw you half-naked, my mouth on your breasts, your hands beneath the waistband of my skirt, I was terrified."
"I know you were, things were so touchy with Alan, and if he had found out about that momentary lapse of judgement, he would have divorced you, and taken custody of the kids."
"Yes, and I knew that John would dangle that knowledge over my head to get whatever he wanted from me, since I was on the shortlist to be the next SAC, a position he didn't feel I was worthy of. So when the linguistic profile fingered the wrong person, it was no hard decision to allow John to take the fall for that. Only, only, you were caught up in the cogs, too, and I did cut your rope. I saved myself because I was so afraid of losing my marriage and being found queer. That would have killed my career, and I would have been left with nothing."
"You would have had me."
"Would I? You were so deeply in love with James, we were just friends. I didn't stand a chance next to him, and there are days now when I doubt my mind that you are having trouble choosing between us. Because I'm so vicious and unlovable, and he's a human teddy bear."
Erin started to cry, and Alex wished that she could be there in her bedroom, holding her close as their tears mingled. "You were trying to protect what you knew after staring into the unknown. Yes, you cut my rope, but maybe you hung yourself with what remained?"
"Maybe."
Alex took a deep breath as she shivered. "At the end of this case, I'm coming home to you. We need to talk face to face."
"All right, darling. Do you think you'll be in Texas much longer?"
"God, I hope not. I don't want to see any more of these broken boys." She drew in a deep breath. "Erin?"
"Yes?"
"I love you."
"I love you, too. Now go and get some sleep. If those warrants come through, you'll need all your wits about you to take care of that camp tomorrow. Know that I'll be with you in spirit, Lexie."
Those words were a soft balm to her heart, and she nodded before pressing her fingers to her lips and then to the screen. Erin copied her movement, and they gave each other a shaky smile. "Hopefully, I'll see you tomorrow, if not the day after."
"But not at midnight, please. In fact, if you're home early enough, we'll try and have a normal afternoon and head out for dinner, maybe head to an art gallery?"
"We've been meaning to do that, haven't we? All right, yes. We'll plan on that, even if I'm not home until five, we'll have dinner, and do something together before having our talk." That seemed to help pull Erin from her sadness a bit, and she gave Alex a sure smile before ending the call. Alex took a moment to catch her breath before disentangling herself from the blanket and bringing everything back inside.
JJ was stretched out on her bed, tapping away on her phone, and Alex gently kicked the mattress as she rearranged her bed. "Did you have a good talk with Erin?"
"I did, and we're going to have a date tomorrow, or the day after. It all depends on when we close this case and get home. And I really want to put those bastards that run the conversion camp behind bars for the rest of their lives."
"They deserve to be there. Destroying people just for who they love? It's unconscionable. They would have broken us, made us fit their perfect little mold, and something in our souls would have died every day that we tried to be what we were "supposed" to be." JJ turned on her side, setting the phone on the nightstand as she looked at Alex. "And you deserve to be happy. Erin deserves to be happy. I've gotten to know her much better, thanks to you, and I don't think that things would be quite as harmonious if you hadn't allowed this barrier between the two of you to collapse."
Alex nodded as she stretched out on her bed, letting out a soft sigh. "I adore her, and I'm going to have to tell James that things between us have changed, have shifted, so radically. I never thought that I'd be at this juncture in my life."
"It's terrifying, isn't it? To have to consider that people have changed and grown apart and that the next move you make will be into the unknown. Well, somewhat unknown, since you've been with Erin before. May I ask a personal question?"
"You know my answer."
JJ giggled and nodded as she sat up and hugged a pillow tight to her chest. "So, Erin is rather uptight. Was she like that when you were first together?"
"She's always been driven, yes."
JJ swallowed a little smirk, and Alex wondered what was going through her mind. That is, until the younger woman opened her mouth once more. "And does that mean she would come apart spectacularly?"
Alex felt her face flush fully as she swallowed a few times, trying to think of an appropriate answer to give JJ. "There are things that you might be able to infer about people who are tightly wound and how they come undone, but I find that I don't want to reveal that answer about her. I hope that you understand."
"I do. I was just trying to push you a little, see how far you'd let me in. I think that I can make certain assumptions about her, and you two together, based on how I saw her at my wedding. God, Alex, I can't believe how much has changed in less than a year."
She nodded as she turned onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. "And while everything is more complicated, I don't think that I would have it any other way. Because I…"
"You love her," JJ finished when the silence grew too long.
"Yes." Alex let out a happy sigh. "Now I just need to figure out when to tell James. I don't want to do it over Skype, but I also don't know when he'll be home next."
"It will happen when the time is right, and you know that. Try not to overthink things, because I know that Erin will probably do that for you in spades. And if you feel like you'd rather write him a letter, do that. Send it to him, and on the envelope, write that you want him to Skype you before he reads it. That way, it might not be so terrifying?"
"Maybe. I'll sleep on that, and see how I feel in the morning. Thanks for talking to me, Jen."
"Anytime, Alex." She could hear the smile in the younger woman's voice, and that made her smile as she turned away from her and curled her legs up to her chest as she drifted off to sleep, feeling a bit more settled than she had earlier.
