February 5, 2011
I was sour today. Woke up quite early to get some jogging in. Couldn't believe I had to put effort into improving his body and his health. There was no reason I should've needed to exercise in the first place, but I had no choice—if I was stuck in this meat suit, I might as well be comfortable in it. My jog had been mostly uneventful.
The early morning air was cold, biting against my skin, but I barely felt it. This body wasn't mine, and I could endure more than most humans. As my feet hit the pavement, I focused on the steady rhythm of my breathing, a strange solace in the monotony. I hated the routine of it, but there was something calming in the repetition, like a lull before the storm.
Halfway through the run, I stopped at a small park bench. I sat down, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees, and let out a slow breath, watching it fog in the crisp air.
"Why do I bother with this?" My Crowley-ness was complaining for the sake of complaints. "Bollocks! This is boring!" Life had become less entertaining and less exciting without the Winchesters around.
I AM CROWLEY, THE KING OF HELL!
I needed hobbies—something to fill the time that wasn't just ruling my personal Hell or collecting souls. It was laughable, really, how mundane my existence had become, but it kept me tethered to this body. Jogging wasn't enough, so I decided to try one of Greg's hobbies: reading comics.
After my run, I walked home, showered off the cold, and locked myself in my room. I rummaged through his stash of comics and grabbed a random one from the pile. I sat down on the bed, flipping through the pages, trying to absorb whatever entertainment humans got out of this.
I read for a while, but I didn't enjoy it. Superheroes and villains, spandex suits, secret identities—it was all so dull compared to what I used to deal with. I was unimpressed.
"Is this really what humans find exciting?" I muttered to myself, tossing the comic aside. "Oh how sad I find this doddery fools to be."
My phone buzzed. I grabbed it from the nightstand, glancing at the caller ID.
Sparky.
I groaned inwardly but answered the call. "What do you want?"
Sparky's voice crackled through the line, full of its usual manic energy. "We've got a situation. Thought you might want in on it."
I raised an eyebrow. "What kind of situation?"
Sparky's voice crackled with excitement. "We're short a player for D , and we need someone quick! You're our only hope, man."
I let out a loud, sarcastic laugh. "Dungeons and Dragons? Really? That's the situation?"
Sparky didn't catch the tone. "Yeah! We're right in the middle of a huge campaign. Greg, you've been talking about joining us for months. It's perfect!"
I sighed, leaning back against my headboard. Greg. Of course, Greg had been into this nonsense. Probably fantasized about being some grand hero in another world. "Not happening, Sparky. I've got better things to do."
"Come on, man! You're good at this stuff. You'll have fun, I swear."
"Nope. I've already wasted enough of my time pretending to care about humans and their petty distractions. There's no way I'm sitting through hours of—what is it? Rolling dice and pretending to be a wizard?" I scoffed, imagining myself at a table with a group of nerds, pretending I cared about elf politics or whatever ridiculous plots they came up with.
Sparky sighed. "You used to love this kind of thing…"
"Well, Greg's not here anymore, is he? Yeah, you heard that right! Greg is done! I AM DONE!" I snapped, cutting him off. Silence hung between us for a moment before I continued, a bit more composed. "Look, Sparky, enjoy your game. I've got other plans."
Sparky hesitated before mumbling, "Yeah… okay. I'll catch you later."
I hung up, tossing the phone onto the bed beside me. "D … honestly."
After so much thinking, I finally decided what to do. This human world was dull, full of pointless games, mundane tasks, and constant noise, but I could make it interesting. There was something I hadn't done in a while—something that would give me a bit of that old thrill.
Additionally, it could be a learning opportunity for me.
I waited for the night to fall. The city was quiet, save for the occasional car passing in the distance. Under the cover of darkness, I began my heist.
Every proper caper needed a costume, of course. I had to play the part. But instead of the spandex-clad nonsense from Greg's comics, I went for something classic… and expensive. I slipped into a cashmere black suit, pants tailored perfectly to this body's form, and a crisp plain white mask that only covered the upper half of my face. The mask wasn't about hiding; it was about the theatrics, the mystique.
I had to admit, I looked damn good.
Where did I get such fine clothing?
This was all thanks to the fine shop I've been frequenting to.
I stuffed a pair of black leather gloves into my pockets because if the government—or anyone else—got a hold of my DNA or found a stray fingerprint, I'd be done for. Even with my talents, I couldn't afford to be sloppy. Humans had gotten rather good at their little forensic tricks.
I pulled the gloves on, flexing my fingers as I stepped outside into the cold night air.
"Time to make this interesting," I muttered to myself with a smirk.
The target? A high-end fashion store downtown that specialized in luxury suits: the same place where I got what I was wearing. I didn't need the money; I had plenty: every bill came from a fellow classmate who wasn't careful enough with their cash. This wasn't about the loot. This was about the thrill, the challenge, the reminder of who I truly was. After all, what's the point of being a demon if you're not going to have a little fun with it?
I moved silently, slipping through the shadows, blending in with the night. It didn't take long to reach the store. The lights were out, and the security system was active. But that was child's play.
With a flick of my wrist, the alarms died.
I was practically robbing the fashion store for the sole purpose of stocking up my wardrobe. Honestly, humans made such a fuss about clothing. I sashayed through the aisles, eyeing the fine tailoring on display, when my hand brushed against the next prize: it was a stunning black trench coat. Perfect. I was about to add it to my collection when, of course, the unexpected happened.
A loud thud echoed behind me, followed by the whoosh of air. I turned around, and there they were: Assault and Battery. The ridiculous duo, decked out in their brightly colored clothes and spandex, stood with their arms crossed, glaring at me like I'd just ruined their night.
Assault, the taller of the two, stepped forward first, his voice booming as if trying to be intimidating. "Stop right there! You're under arrest for theft! You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney and to have an attorney present during any questioning."
Battery, the shorter one, chimed in with a smug look. "You've got nowhere to run. Surrender now, and we'll take it easy on you. Hand yourself over to the authorities and no one has to get hurt."
I couldn't help it—I laughed. The sound echoed through the empty store, bouncing off the walls. These two really thought they were something, didn't they? "Authorities? Oh, you sweet summer children. I don't think you quite understand who you're dealing with."
Battery was undeterred. She took a step closer, her eyes narrowing as she tried a different approach. "You're better than this, kid. I know you've been through a lot, but this isn't the way. You can still turn yourself around. You don't need to resort to this."
Ah, the guilt card. Classic human tactic. She played it well, though, her voice softening like she was really trying to reach the heart of this Greg person. But I wasn't Greg.
I tilted my head, unimpressed. "Darling, I've been around far longer than you can imagine. You think a couple of capes with an amateur sob story is going to make me reconsider? Please."
Assault shifted his weight, getting ready to charge. "You don't know what you're up against."
I sighed, already bored of this confrontation. They were just another set of distractions in an otherwise meaningless night. "As entertaining as this is, I've got better things to do."
With a casual flick of my wrist, I teleported—along with my newly acquired trench coat and the rest of the stolen goods—back to my room. The dim light greeted me as I tossed the haul onto the bed.
"Humans and their capes," I muttered, shaking my head.
And then I teleported back to the store.
The two capes hadn't moved an inch. Assault stood tall, his crimson body armor gleaming under the dim emergency lights. His visor obscured his eyes, giving him a robotic, detached air. Battery, on the other hand, was sleek. Her skintight white and dark grey costume hugged her lithe form, and she had a certain predatory look in her eyes.
I leaned against one of the mannequin displays, inspecting my gloves like they were the most fascinating thing in the room. "You know," I drawled, "for so-called heroes, you're rather slow."
Assault's visor flashed as he zoomed forward in a burst of super speed, aiming to tackle me head-on. I waited until the last possible second before teleporting behind him, watching as he crashed into a rack of expensive suits.
"Close!" I called out, laughing as he groaned, pulling himself from the wreckage. "But not quite there, I'm afraid."
Battery had already anticipated where I would land, though. She zipped across the floor with fluid and precise movements, unleashing a surge of energy as she tackled me in the same way Assault did. But she was too slow. I smirked and disappeared again, reappearing on top of one of the shelves.
"Really, darling?" I asked, lounging casually. "You're going to have to try harder than that if you want to catch me. And trust me—I'm very hard to catch."
"You're not taking this seriously!" she snapped, her eyes narrowing. "If you think this is a game, you're going to regret it, kid."
"On the contrary," I said, grinning as I hopped down from the shelf. "I'm only taking this as a game. Isn't that the whole point? I had to entertain myself after all. I am a growing kid." Moreover, it wasn't like eating infants and entrails were on the menu.
Assault grunted, dusting himself off as he got back to his feet. He glared at me from behind that ridiculous visor, and then he charged again. This time, he was faster, angrier, more determined. I watched him barrel toward me, his fists clenched, and again, I waited until the very last second before vanishing. He stumbled, spinning around, looking more than a little flustered.
"Over here, mate," I called out from across the store, lazily waving my hand. "How many times do I have to say it? You won't catch me."
Assault narrowed his eyes behind his visor. "You think you're funny, huh?" he grumbled, cracking his knuckles. "Let's see how funny you are when I run you into the ground."
"Ah, classic banter," I smirked, leaning casually against a nearby clothing rack. "You should try stand-up. I hear they need more caped comedians."
He rushed me again, faster this time. I barely had to think as I teleported a few feet to the side, leaving him to skid across the tile floor, arms flailing. He stumbled, catching himself before crashing into a display of expensive shoes.
"Missed again, mate," I teased, appearing atop a glass display case. "Third time's the charm, right? Or are we onto the fourth?"
Battery rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "Assault, will you stop playing around? We have a job to do."
Assault stood up straight, brushing off his armor with exaggerated slowness. "I'm not the one playing around here, Battery. Mr. Magic Fingers over there is the one bouncing around like a bloody kangaroo on caffeine."
I grinned. "A kangaroo? I thought we were keeping this dignified. Do I look like I'm hopping to you?"
Battery shot him a glare, her patience clearly wearing thin. "You're embarrassing us, Assault. Focus."
Assault shot me a look as he cracked his neck. "Yeah, yeah. Focus. I got it. But this kid sure is serious work. Am I hearing it right or does he have a British accent?"
"Focus!" Battery exasperatedly looked at her partner.
With that, Assault took off again, moving at blinding speed. His boots blurring against the floor, and I could feel the commitment of his rush as he came barreling towards me. At the last moment, I disappeared in a blink, reappearing just outside the entrance of the store, standing under the streetlamp.
"Out here, boys and girls!" I called, my voice echoing through the quiet night.
Battery was the first to react, shooting out the door in a blur of white and grey. She moved like lightning, closing the distance between us in seconds, but I vanished again, this time appearing on top of a nearby car. I leaned on the roof, watching with amusement as she skidded to a halt below me, panting slightly.
"You're going to give yourself a heart attack if you keep this up," I said with a chuckle. "You heroes take this way too seriously. Lighten up a little."
"Lighten up?" she growled. "You're a thief. You think this is some kind of joke?"
I shrugged. "I never said it wasn't. You lot are chasing me in spandex and capes. If that's not comedy, I don't know what is. I'd rather be chased by a clown… or a sexy not moose maybe."
Assault burst through the store's doors and then charged into the fray. "You won't be laughing when I knock that smug look off your face!"
"Oh, but I will," I quipped, teleporting just as he reached the car. He slammed into it with a resounding thud, the force of his momentum sending him sprawling over the hood.
I was laser-focused on their power activation. I realized Assault was more of a kinetic manipulator than a pure speedster. I just saw him cancel his momentum at zero deceleration which was nearly impossible… and I was no scientist, but I had common sense. Meanwhile, Battery was more of a traditional speedster, so there wasn't much info to gather from her.
I reappeared a few feet away, leaning on a lamppost. "That was almost impressive. Almost."
Assault groaned, peeling himself off the car. "That's it! No more games, you little—"
"Enough!" Battery snapped, grabbing him by the shoulder before he could lunge at me again. "You're letting him play you like a fool. Calm down."
He grunted, clearly frustrated but nodded in agreement. "Fine. What's the plan then?"
Battery's eyes locked on mine, her expression hard and calculating. "He can't keep teleporting forever. He's toying with us, but everyone slips up eventually. We just need to outlast him."
"Oh, I'm shaking," I said with mock fear. "The dynamic duo has a plan. How terrifying."
I teleported again, appearing on the roof of the building across the street, watching as they looked around, trying to pinpoint where I'd gone.
"You'll never catch me, you know," I called down, letting my voice carry on the wind. "But this has been fun. We should do it again sometime. By the way, the name is Crowley!"
With a final wink, I vanished into the night, leaving them to stew in their frustration.
