JENNIE

..

What I was doing to Lisa wasn't fair. I owed her a conversation in which I allowed her her anger. One where I accepted responsibility for leaving without an explanation. But it had been weeks since I'd felt anything good at all. Her arms around me gave me the first true grounding since my return to Arden Hills.

So I kissed her. With a noise somewhere between despondency and acute need she dragged me closer, crushing me against her. TK's little claws dug into my thighs as she jumped off my lap; she mewed at being displaced onto the floor. The ache in my hip flared as I moved to achieve more bodily contact, but I ignored it.

I might have started the kiss, but Lisa took control of it. I quickly found myself laid out on the couch, Lisa hovering over me, one leg working its way between mine. Her mouth was hard, those steel rings biting into my lip. One hand went to my hair, gripping it so she could control the angle.

I needed the connection, physical and otherwise. The glorious weight of her body settled over me; her erection pressed against my hip and I moaned. With one hand firmly on the back of her neck to keep her close, the other traveled down to the dip in her spine.

I slid my palm beneath the waistband of her jeans and met bare skin. No boxers barred the contact. I dug my fingernails in the soft skin over hard muscle and pushed down. Familiar warmth rushed through my limbs and funneled straight between my thighs. She tensed and I held on tighter, terrified of what was coming. I was desperate for her, and she was going to stop this. I could tell in the way she slowed the kiss.

"Fuck." Lisa scrambled away from me. "We can't be doing that."

"It's okay." I sat up and reached out for her.

Lisa shot off the couch and grabbed her scotch. "No, it's not okay. We have shit we need to work out, and that kind of business isn't going to help a damn thing."

She was right, of course. Not that I would say it outright.

"I know you're angry with me." I touched my lips. They were still wet.

"Angry? You have no idea what the past three weeks have been like for me." She headed for the kitchen, putting distance between us.

"Yes, I do." At least I could imagine.

We'd been in a similar situation before, I realized. After the engagement party at Rosé and Eunwoo's, when I found her in the bathroom with Irene and that other woman. One of us putting up walls for protection; the other looking for a way in. This time I was the one seeking forgiveness, while Lisa donned her armor.

Her hand came down on the counter with a heavy thud. "No. You don't. You left me—not the other way around. So don't tell me you know, because you don't. It fucking ruined me."

"Do you think it didn't hurt to leave?"

"Oh, yeah, it must have torn you right up. So much that you didn't even bother to call. Not me, anyway. Not once."

This was what I had been expecting; the anger, the hurt. "I couldn't call you."

"Why not? Chan wouldn't have approved? Did he chain you up in a cell and refuse to give you access to a phone? Or were you only allowed to have contact with your friends? That must have been it: only the degenerate was off-limits."

"That wasn't it. If I'd talked to you, I never would have stayed."

"And would it have been so bad, to come back here and be with me? How stupid do think I felt after I went to Arden Hills to bring you home, only to have you shut me out completely?"

"What? You came to Arden Hills? When?" I asked, stunned.

"The night you took off, I came after you. Chan wouldn't even come to the door. Just threatened me through the goddamn intercom and called the fucking police."

"Oh my God. I didn't know, Lisa. He never told me." The first two days had been the worst. I'd locked myself in Kai's old bedroom and cried until I didn't have any tears left.

"I would have told you—if you'd bothered to return one of my fucking phone calls. But you didn't. Not even once. I don't get it. I don't even understand why you wanted to be there in the first place. Especially with that asshole lording over you. I would have helped you find a lawyer to deal with things here, if you'd let me."

"It wasn't that simple. There were things I had to take care of."

"Everyone is gone; you could have dealt with it from here!" Lisa yelled.

At this verbal slap in the face, I closed my eyes against the pain. When I opened them again, I could see her regret, but the words were out and she couldn't take them back.

"I know they're gone, Lisa. I live with it every day." I got up.

She left the kitchen, barricading me between the couch and coffee table. "I'm sorry, that was a dickhead thing to say. I didn't mean it. I'm just trying to understand. The last time we were together, we were closer than we've ever been. When Chan showed up, you let him shit all over what we had. Then you pretty much backed him up when you told me to leave and disappeared for three weeks. I'm confused. I want you here, but I'm just so—"

She stopped, unable to get the rest out. I could see her conflict; fear overriding everything. As though what she wanted to say would make me disappear again.

I hadn't given her any reason to think otherwise. As far as she knew, I was only here to pick up TK. I'd thought the kiss would show her what I wanted, but of course it hadn't. Because last time, I'd told her how I felt about her and then left.

"You have every right to be upset with me for what I've done," I said. She looked so wary. "I didn't think there was any other way than to leave with Chan. The anniversary of the crash was less than two weeks ago, and there was a memorial service. I lost my whole family; I needed to go. But you're right—I should have called to explain. I wish I had." I took a step toward her and she took one back.

"I called you. All you had to do was answer."

"Like I said, if I had I would have come right home. Going back to Arden Hills wasn't just about settling the estate. Chan's showing up made all the wounds fresh again. He's always been good at capitalizing on my weaknesses, particularly my guilt over what happened." I summoned the courage to confess the most difficult part. "I felt responsible for all of it. I had such cold feet about the wedding. I thought it was normal to have reservations, but then . . ." My voice cracked, and I had to take a deep breath before I could go on. "All those deaths—they sat on my shoulders. I had to make peace with that, Lisa. Otherwise I would have come back here with the same ghosts haunting me. And then where would we be?"

"I wish I had known some of this before you left me."

There it was again—the phrase that made my heart ache, as though my departure had been about her abandonment. For her, that was exactly what had happened. "And I wish I'd been strong enough to tell you. But I wasn't—and I'm so sorry for that."

"Yeah. Me, too." She exhaled heavily. "Look, this is a lot to process and I'm . . . a little overwhelmed and tired. You must be wiped from the drive and that shit with Irene, and this." She motioned between us. "So maybe it's best if we get some sleep. I don't want to say anything else I might regret."

"Okay." I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn't have the right to be disappointed. "If I can borrow the key to my place . . ."

"What? Why?"

"Because you want to go to bed."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to leave." She cleared her throat. "Besides, you're limping and you're not getting back in that elevator, so you might as well stay here."

My heart leapt. "I'll sleep out here on the couch." It was comfortable enough. Although not nearly as comfortable as Lisa's bed and Lisa's warm body.

She frowned. Ran a hand through her hair. "Uh—that's not necessary. I've got a spare room."

My spark of hope was doused with disappointment. The last time I was here, she'd said that no one had ever seen her bedroom, let alone slept in it. She wouldn't ask for intimacy with me now. Too much had changed. I followed her down the hall and she stopped at a door I hadn't noticed during my previous visit.

She flipped on the lights. A desk was in one corner with a filing cabinet beside it, and a double bed was against the far wall. Just like every other room in her house, it was immaculate. The covers were pulled up tight. If I checked, I was sure the sheets would be tucked in hospital style. Beside the bed was a nightstand with a small lamp.

The clock read 4:14 A.M. I'd been awake for almost twenty-four hours. My body and my mind were spent; I was functioning on pure adrenaline. When it ran out, I would crash hard.

"I'll get you a toothbrush and something to sleep in." Lisa went down the hall and disappeared into her bedroom.

I sat on the edge of the bed and ran my hand over the red comforter. The sheets were dark gray, the walls were paper white.

She came back with an armload of clothes and a toothbrush still in its package. "I wasn't sure what you'd want, so I brought options." she set the clothes on the edge of the bed. "There's a bathroom down the hall to the left. If you need anything, you know where to find me."

"Thanks for letting me stay."

"I'm just glad you're home. I'll see you in the morning." She leaned over, kissed the top of my head, and ran her fingers through my ponytail.

After she left, I sorted through the clothes. The drawstring pants might have fit her but would be enormous on me. There were two shirts, one short sleeved and one long, as well as a pair of boxer briefs. I shed my clothes, glad to be out of them. Part of me wanted to jump in the shower, but it was approaching dawn. It would have to wait until later, after sleep.

The long-sleeved shirt fell below my butt. The boxer briefs, while too large at the waist, were manageable as long as I rolled them over a couple of times to keep them up.

My hip still ached, partially from being manhandled by Irene, but also because of the long drive. It didn't hurt nearly as much as when Lisa first picked me up from The Dollhouse, but it was still uncomfortable enough to make me limp. I rooted around in the pocket of my discarded jeans and found the travel Tylenol I carried at all times.

My teeth felt fuzzy, as if they were wearing sweaters, so I headed to the bathroom. I found the toothpaste in the medicine cabinet, brushed my teeth, and rinsed with mouthwash even though I wasn't going to need fresh breath tonight.

Hand towels and washcloths were in the top drawer of the vanity. I ran a washcloth under hot water and washed my face, careful to avoid the scratches Lisa had cleaned. Since a shower wasn't an option, I leaned against the edge of the sink and dragged the washcloth down my legs, the damp warmth pleasant.

There was a knock on the door and I called for Lisa to open it. She stood at the threshold with a pile of towels in one hand, a glass of water in the other. She wore pajama pants and sports bra. Usually she slept naked, so the pants were for my benefit and her discretion.

Her eyes moved from my face down my body and back up. Then down. And back up.

"I thought you might want these in case you're up before me. Unless you decide you'd rather shower at your own place, but I'll leave them here so you have the choice." She passed the towels over. "And I figured you might want a glass of water in case you got thirsty." She passed that over, too.

"Thanks." Lisa was obviously flustered. Seeing her like that made me want to laugh or cry, maybe both.

She rubbed the back of her neck, blinked a few times. "You picked the shorts."

"The pants were too long. These are a little big, too. I'll probably ditch them when I go to bed," I said, not considering the implications.

Her body was beautiful. The black lines of the phoenix came to an abrupt end just beyond the center of her chest. Then after a blank expanse of skin, a burst of color began at her shoulder and traveled down her right arm. The two halves of a whole. Although Lisa wasn't so simple as to have a light and a dark side. Both sides espoused the dichotomy that she embodied; the bleeding heart on her forearm was wrapped in flowering vines, cracked on one side, blooming on the other. The koi traveling along her arm fought its way upstream. The lilies floating on the water changed from white and pink to dark purple, half-wilted by the time they reached her shoulder. Lisa's dark and light sides merged, flowing into each other.

Tonight was the first time I truly saw how divided she was, and how much she battled to embrace the light. I had a feeling the tattoos on her back were a reflection of how dark she could get. One in particular was rather eerie, but whenever I'd asked to see it up close, she'd distracted me with other activities.

She'd lost weight while I was gone. Her waist was narrower; her pants hung low to the point of obscenity. I gawked shamelessly.

She lowered a hand from the doorjamb to cover the problem that was rising below the waist. "I, ah—I'm gonna go now. To bed."

"If that's what you think is best."

I yearned to reach out and trace the lines of the phoenix. Particularly where it circled the glint of metallic black piercing her nipple. And lower, where it disappeared under the waistband of her pants. She'd already shut me down once, though; I wasn't about to try again. Her hesitation was understandable.

"Yeah." Lisa took a step back. "Bed is good."

"I'll see you in the morning, then." I rolled up the waistband of my shorts once more for good measure.

"Uh-huh." She nodded, eyes on my legs. "Unless you need me." She gave her head a shake. "Something. Unless you need something. I'm just a few steps away."

She turned and headed down the hall. I got a glimpse of the tattoo on her right shoulder, the one I hadn't seen up close before. It looked like a child swaddled in a blanket, but its eyes were terrifying—ancient, evil, full of despair.

She looked over her shoulder when she reached her bedroom door. "Night, Jennie."

"Night." I smiled weakly. I wanted an invitation into her bed, even if it was just for sleeping. I craved the feel of her body close to mine. It was hard to be in her space and not next to her, yet it was just, considering what I'd put her through.

She went into her room, leaving the door ajar. TK came scampering down the hall and paused at my feet, rubbed herself against my leg, then trotted to Lisa's bedroom. All of the things that had been mine weren't anymore.

I heard Lisa talking to her and considered the possibility that I might not have the right to take TK back. I'd been so neglectful of both of them. A few seconds later the light went out, and I was alone.

I left the towels on the vanity and took the glass of water with me to the spare room. Turning the covers down, I slipped between the cold sheets. I didn't think I'd be able to sleep with Lisa so close and unreachable, but fatigue settled in, dragging me under.

..

A shout startled me awake. Disorientation incited panic, until I remembered I was in Lisa's condo, sleeping in her spare bedroom. It was 7:00 A.M., which would have been a reasonable time to get up if I hadn't gone to bed just two hours earlier. Another sound came from down the hall, the pitch low and masculine.

I slipped out of bed, testing my right leg before I put too much weight on it. It was still sore, but the Tylenol made it more manageable. I stole down the hall, the dim light from the bathroom the only illumination.

I silently pushed open the door. Lisa's sheets were twisted around her, pillows scattered on the floor. Her body was covered in a sheen of sweat despite the chilled air. TK was sitting on the floor, her fur standing on end. Lisa flailed and moaned plaintively. Words tumbled out of her mouth as she thrashed in the sheets, the grip of the nightmare too tight to escape from.

I hurried to the bed and climbed up beside her. I called her name quietly at first, then louder, until I had to yell. But she remained stuck inside her head. Out of options, I put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a tentative shake, and another, and another.

She sat up with a start. Her eyes darted aimlessly, scanning the room but not truly tracking. Her gaze came to rest on me; wild and panicked. "Jennie?"

"It's okay. I'm right here. It was just a dream." I pushed her hair off her forehead.

Lisa caught my hands in hers and brought them to her mouth, lips moving over my knuckles. She made a deep sound in the back of her throat, a hybrid of despair and relief. Then she started checking me over, patting me down. Her hand smoothed over my chest and she looked at her palms, then she repeated the action, rambling about blood.

She found the hem of my shirt and her hand went underneath. Her palm slid over my stomach and between my breasts, searching for something. Unsatisfied with what she found, she tugged my shirt over my head. Her palm flattened against the center of my chest.

"It's not there." She looked over my shoulder, smoothing her hand down my back.

"What's not there?"

"The bullet. There's no bullet."

"I'm fine, Lisa." I put my hand over hers and moved it higher. "See? I'm fine, there's nothing there. It was a dream."

"Nothing. There's nothing. There's no blood." Her breath left her in harsh pants.

Lisa enveloped me in a grip that made it hard to breathe. I rubbed slow circles on her back to comfort her, resting my chin on her shoulder. Lowering my face, I kissed her overheated skin. It was damp and salty with sweat.

"Please don't leave me. Not again. Please. It hurts too much to be without you. I don't know how. I don't—" She murmured pleas until she was too frantic to speak. Her vulnerability was a shock.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere," I said, seeking to reassure her.

Cassie had been right; she was more fragile than I would ever have thought.

When her breathing finally slowed and her grip loosened, I urged her back under the covers. She went willingly. I drew them up over both of us and she curled herself around me. She pushed her forehead against my neck and got as close as she could, almost blanketing my body with hers. Her hand kept up a slow stroking. She returned to the center of my chest each time, making sure I was whole.

"It's always the same dream. I can't get to you in time and then you're gone, and there's nothing I can do to stop the emptiness."

Like mine, her nightmare seemed like facets of her past twined with the present. Her parents had been murdered. If her subconscious had replaced them with me, my abandoning her was the catalyst for these dreams.

"I'm right here with you, Lisa. Everything's okay now." I held her close.

Eventually her hand came to rest on my sternum, her nose pressed right into my throat. Her breathing evened out and the tension left her body, but she kept her arm locked around me, as if I'd disappear if she let go.

..

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