"...and we aim to answer the question, is bigger really better?"

"Why are you watching this crap?" Mario groused, spooning pasta into a bowl.

"There's nothing good on," Luigi grumbled. "Just Mario Party reruns and 20 Koops and Counting."

Mario walked over with his food, plopping down on his recliner. "Princess got captured again. Bowser nabbed her right out of her dressing room as she was changing."

"Shouldn't you be saving her?" Luigi replied, eyes glued to the TV.

"I'll save her when she returns my calls," Mario snorted. "Hey, wait, leave this on. I wanna watch."

"Breaking news! Robbery at the Mushroom Bank! This is the third in a chain of robberies this week, and authorities are calling the thief the "Mushroom Bandit!""

"Mushroom Bandit. That's good," Luigi chuckled. Mario got up and started slipping on his shoes. "Hey, where are you going?"

"I bought stock in those banks, Weeg! I gotta find the guy and beat him till he agrees not to steal anymore!"

"You bought what? Don't you literally own a castle?"

"Can't hurt to take precautions," Mario shrugged. "You coming?"

"I guess I got nothing better to do," Luigi said. "Let's go."

————————————————————

Mario and Luigi stood outside the bank, watching Toads run screaming as the alarm rang shrilly.

"God, I hate this place," Luigi muttered.

"We're not getting a clue from these morons," Mario said. "Let's ask the teller to see what this jerkweed looks like."

They walked into the bank. A group of Toads was chanting in a circle around a pile of burning cash. Another Toad was hyperventilating on the floor and yet another was shouting at the teller and had to be escorted out by security.

Mario and Luigi went up to the teller, a tired-looking Toad. "What can you tell us about the Mushroom Bandit?"

"He was dressed in all black, so it was hard to make out anything. Kinda fat, about your height," he gestured to Luigi. "Creepy laugh. Now that I think about it, he kinda sounded like you guys…"

"Did he say anything?" Mario pressed.

"Uh, as he was leaving he yelled something like "I'm the winner!" Pretty bizarre if you ask me."

The brothers rolled their eyes at each other. "You've been a great help," Mario said, flipping the teller a gold coin. "We'll be leaving now."

"Good luck, Mario!" the teller called after them as they left.

The brothers pulled up to an orange-roofed house with a large purple "W" embossed over the door.

They walked up to the house and knocked to no response. They listened through the door, but couldn't hear any movement.

"Looks like fatty isn't home," Luigi said.

"Probably blowing his hard-earned stolen cash," Mario replied. "Maybe your BFF can tell us where he is."

"I don't know where that doofus lives," Luigi said. "Though now that you mention it…"

They drove around Mushroom City until they found him, living in a dump on the outskirts of town.

"Waluigi? What the heck are you doing here?" Luigi asked.

"It's HOOOOORRIBLE," Waluigi wailed. "I haven't been in a game since that stupid Mario Strikers reboot!"

"Stop crying, you big baby," Mario said. "You tell us where your boyfriend is and we'll talk about making you less of a complete loser. Deal?"

"I haven't seen him," Waluigi moaned, digging through the trash for something to eat. "He said some crap about new opportunities and hasn't called me since. That was two weeks ago."

"He said nothing about where he was going?" Luigi questioned.

"No, just something about "multiple locations"...he was mumbling so I couldn't hear him." Waluigi seemed to forget they were there as he dug up an ancient box of donuts. Mario and Luigi cringed a little as he attempted to chew a vanilla sprinkle.

"Let's go," Mario whispered. Luigi nodded and they both crept back to their car and drove away.

"Dammit! I bet the bastard's hitting the Rogueport branch!" Mario exclaimed. "I should have known. He always wanted to buy real estate there."

"What kind of pigheaded idiot buys real estate in Rogueport?" Luigi asked. "It's in the middle of a turf war and insurance rates are through the roof."

"Knowing him, it'd be a great place to hide some of his…shadier business practices," Mario said. "We'll drop by and stake him out if he hasn't arrived yet."

They pulled up to the bank ten minutes later and parked inconspicuously behind a large truck.

"What if he doesn't show?" Luigi said.

"It's the closest branch he hasn't robbed and has infamously poor security detail," Mario replied. "If I were him, this is where I'd go."

They didn't have to wait long. Soon, the alarm started blaring as assorted creatures ran screaming from the bank. A stocky man dressed in all black exited carrying two enormous bags of cash, checking his surroundings before running around to the back of the building.

"That's him!" Luigi yelled. "Go go go go go!"

Mario backed out of his spot and floored the gas, but not before a large purple car also embossed with a "W" roared out into the parking lot.

"Chase him! Chase him now!" Luigi shouted, pounding the dashboard.

The driver wore a yellow shirt, a set of purple overalls and a yellow hat with his first initial on it. He yelped in fear at the sight of the brothers and peeled out of the lot like a bat out of hell.

The brothers roared after him and down Rogueport Ave. The robber caused multiple crashes and injured several pedestrians in his wake, which slowed down Mario and Luigi considerably.

"He's getting away!" Luigi said.

"Not for long," Mario smirked. He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a Bullet Bill.

"Mario, you can't have that! It's illegal!" Luigi exclaimed, back pressed against the passenger side door.

"It's for the greater good, little bro," Mario said, crushing the item in his fist. In an instant, the car transformed and they began gaining on the robber at hypersonic speeds.

The robber saw this and tried to perform an evasive maneuver, but it was too late. The bullet crashed into his car at full speed and sent him flying out of the driver's seat onto a nearby sidewalk.

Mario's car reverted to its normal state and he parked it at the side of the road. He and Luigi approached the robber and yanked him onto his feet.

"You nitwit," Mario said. "You can't rob a bank and get away with it."

"Wah!" the figure on the ground cried. "I just wanted to pay for my poor grandmother's medical treatment!"

"So if I look in the trunk, I won't find shrooms and beer?" Luigi deadpanned.

"Um…screw you guys! I have a game to catch anyways." With that, the robber left, leaving the bags of money behind.

"Well, I guess we'd better be returning these to the bank," Luigi sighed.

"Yes, we should," Mario agreed.

There was a silence before the brothers looked at each other, grinning broadly. "Road trip!"

The brothers returned home to pack the necessary gear, while the robber drove downtown to bet on an undoubtedly rigged sports match. All is well in the Mushroom Kingdom, at least until Mario and Luigi leave on their excursion, and no one will try robbing a bank again for a long, long time.