Big TW for this chapter:
Described DV and NonCon in a flashback as well as murder, guns, robbery, and general Joker shittiness
Leave me a comment! 3
Harley snuggled her face into the crook of Ivy's neck allowing the earthy with hints of lavender scent wash over her. She couldn't make out what Ivywas saying in her ear but it helped soothe her. She focused on the feeling of the soft cotton from Ivy's shirt between her fingers that she gripped so tight it was as if her life depended on it. She was chanting a grounding technique over and over again in her mind that she had practiced with many of her clients in the past.
One thing you can hear; Ivy's voice
One thing you can see; Ivy's red hair
One thing, you can smell; Ivy's shampoo
One thing you feel; Ivy's shirt, Ivy's heartbeat, Ivy's breath tickling my neck as she murmurs, Ivy's hand stroking my back, Ivy, Ivy, Ivy
Everything part of her body screamed Ivy. It was all consuming and, in these moments, Harley was calm, she felt safe. Ivy was an escape from her own mind she so desperately needed.
But as the minutes went by the slow gentle circles Ivy was making on her back sloweduntil they stopped all together. The gentle murmurs faded away and slowly one by one Harley's senses returned to her and the nightmare began to take over again, only now she was awake. She could feel the back of Joker's hand against her cheek. She could hear his laugh as she gasped out in pain. She could smell the scent of alcohol and cigarettes on his lips and she could taste the blood in her mouth.
She felt her hand shaking and removed it from Ivy's shirt swiftly. She couldn't stand to stay still anymore; she had to do something and did not want to wake the girl again. She got up as quietly as could and left the bedroom shutting the door behind her.
She paced the area of the small living room back and forth and forth for what felt like hours. She tried to think of anything but Joker, but much like Ivy he was all consuming. She knelt down in the middle of the living room and tucked her knees up to her chest in an attempt to comfort herself but the thoughts didn't stop. She ran her hands through her untidy hair and subconsciously gripped at the roots pulling until it hurt. The pain took her out of her thoughts for a moment and it was as if a weight had been lifted off her chest, she hadn't even noticed the feeling of the room closing in around her until it suddenly widened allowing her the space to breathe again.
'It's not healthy to use pain as a way to cope Harley' Harleen whispered from corner of her mind. Harley ignored her as she tugged at her hair again feeling the strands pull out of her scalp.
'You deserve it, you are pathetic' another voice shouted in a less than kind voice
'Worthless'
'Disgusting'
'Stupid'
'Pathetic'
'Nobody wants you, not even your psychopathic boyfriend. Why do you think he kicked you out and left you die. You are nothing'
"Shut up!" Harley whispered through gritted teeth as the other voices took up a chorus of cruel words inside her head. Harleen was a pain in the ass but at least she was nice to her. The voices had been taking up residence in her mind more often lately. Harley would find herself completely blocking out the world as she listened to them speaking to her and sometimes arguing amongst themselves. She was fully aware that she was absolutely losing it. 'Get a fucking grip Harley' She thought to herself.
She got up and made her way to couch all but throwing her body into it. She was so tired but the thought of going back to sleep was not particularly appealing. She turned on the TV and switched it to thekids' channel, turning the volume low as not to wake Ivy. She saw that Bluey was on, one of her favourites, and tried to focus on the plot of the show. She zoned in and out between the watching the show and listening to the conversations in her head. Episode after episode went by until she wasn't even aware that the show had changed.
She was finally freed by her thoughts when she saw motion in front of her face. "Ives... sorry I was just watching some cartoons." Harley said weakly. How long had passed since she turned on the TV? As she took in the older woman's appearance, she felt disgust bubble inside her when she saw the bruise that her formed on her face. 'You hurt her. You're just like him.' Harley heard one of the voices say.
Harley muttered out a lame apology as voices continued yelling at her. "How are you feeling?" Ivy asked her.
'She doesn't actually care about you, she pities you.'
'You're a burden, don't you think the 'Poison Ivy' has better things to do than baby sit you? Get over yourself.'
The voices continued on and on until Harley felt a hand on her shoulder. She told Ivy she was fine, good even. When Ivy pressed further, she shut it down. She heard Harleen's judgemental sigh at her lack of honesty but ignored her. And when the two made breakfast together Harley felt for a moment like she really was good, happy even. The way Ivy could make her laugh and forget all her worries was addicting and when she felt Ivy's soft fingers brushing flour off her nose and coming down to rest on her cheek, she almost felt normal. The voices in her head were silent and replaced by everything Ivy. The flutters she felt in her stomach at the touch were pushed deep down where even Harleen couldn't dig them up to interrogate her about later.
Then they were on the couch laughing again about something and Harley's mind was finally peaceful enough that she fell asleep.
She found herself in Jokers hideout in a poorly lit room that smelt of mould and years of neglect. She was cowering in front of Joker begging him to tell her what she done wrong. His only reply was a kick to her stomach. The blows kept coming one after another until she thought she might pass out, she longed for the darkness to take over but then he stopped and his touches were different, softer and sensual and telling her to make it up to him, for what, she still didn't know. As he tore through her costume every inch of her was throbbing with pain as he continued to touch her. She saw flashes of him thrusting in and out of her, grabbing at her neck for a better grip on her body, gropingat every inch of her destroyed body. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut in hope of an escape but when she opened them again the scene had changed.
She was in a bank. She could hear the sound of stray gun fire being shot into the ceiling. The sound of an expensive chandelier hitting the ground and exploding on impact, goons yelling orders to civilians to get on the ground. A small child crying. She was panting and out of breath from running with her hammer. She looked down towards her feet where a man was on his hands and knees, his head turned down towards the ground. "P-please! Don't kill me. I don't wanna die."He grovelled.
Joker had ordered Harley to chase the guy who had beelined to the exit moments after they had crashed into the bank and ordered everyone to ground. They had already begun ordering the workers to unlock the safe and Harley could hear Joker screaming at one of the employees to hurry up or he'd paint the carpets with her brain. Harley cringed. She and Joker's heists used to be fun. They would go after exciting and heavily guarded treasures surrounded by lasers where Harley could show off her gymnastic skills or they would break in the Bats lair and steal his latest new and improved Batmobile and drive off in to the sunset laughing together. They used to have a blast and now they were here, robbing another bank that had probably just been robbed last week and wouldn't have anything of worth. When had she become just another one of the manycriminals in Gotham?
She was brought out of her reminiscing when she heard Joker yell to her "Harley! Deal with him and get over here and help me!"
She brought her attention back to the man grovelling at her feet. She swung her hammer, aiming the blow at his skull when she suddenly let the hammer loose and swung into the base of the door behind him instead when she saw the 'man' lift his head to look at her andshe realised he was no man at all, he was just a kid, 16 at most. His eyes were filled with fear. She was staring at him unable to move as he staired back, soft brown eyes begging her for mercy. How many people had she killed? How many families had she destroyed when they got the news that their father, brother, son had been murdered. What had she become? What would she not do to please Joker?
She felt a firm hand smack against the back of her head. She hadn't heard Joker approach them over the commotion. "Doll when I give you an order you follow it." He said through clenched teeth
"Puddin' he's justta kid, he aint gonna cause us no trouble."
"I said KILL HIM" He screamed at her.
"...No" Harley was shocked at her own words, she had never refused him before. She felt him shove her to the ground before he leant over the boy on the ground, picking his head up by his hair and turning him to face Harley. "You are my goon Harley, that means you fucking do what I say!" Harley sat frozen on the ground where Joker had shoved her. She wanted to get up, stop him, to do something. But she didn't, she just sat there and watched as he pulled out a small pistol from his belt and shot the boy through the temple.
Harley started screaming as she saw the blood spatter on to the carpet and watched as the boy's head fell to the ground as Joker dropped him. She couldn't look at his lifeless body and clenched her eyes shut.
Then she heard her. Her voice was soft like honey bringing her out of the darkness. She awoke with a start but immediately relaxed when she saw Ivy in front of her, her eyes filled with concern and care and so much love that Harley felt herself melt under gaze
Harley wasn't up for talking so she quickly accepted the offer of moving to the bedroom. She pretended to be asleep and was grateful when Ivy thought she was. The next few hours passed in a blur. She was only vaguelyaware of Ivy's short entrance to check on her. She remained staring at the window ledge watching as the ivy that grew outside moved calmly back and forth through the wind. She listened to the constant conversations going on between the different corners of her mind, some kind and encouraging, others not so much.
When she heard the front door open and close again, she figured Ivy had left, she felt a sense of unease and dreadat the absence of her friend that she didn't quite understand. She knew she was safe here but something about knowing Ivy was just on the opposite side of the wall kept her sane. She felt the shaking return in her palms and the voices became deafening in her ears until she was clamping her hands over her ears begging them to stop.
When she couldn't take anymore, she got up feeling her legs strain under her weight, she was so tired and she just wanted to sleep but she knew what awaited her behind closed eyes and couldn't decide if the break from the voices was better than nightmares.
She paced back and forth through the living and kitchen hoping the movement would act a distraction. She thought of making some food but the contents of Ivy's fridge left much to be desired. When she searched through the cupboards, she saw the tequila and margarita mix and smiled to herself knowing Ivy kept this for her.
She had glass after glass hoping it would quiet the noise and it did, at least to a point. The voices were softer as she lost more of her inhibitions but were still there always in the background reminding her of her shortcomings.
She was filled with excitement when she heard the click of the front door signifying Ivy's return. She hugged her, ignoring the inconvenience it caused the older woman and when Ivy looked down at her; Harley saw the brief surprise and flash of relief cross over her features. She knew the relief could only be from Ivy seeing her acting more herself and she felt guilt rise up in her stomach for how much worry she must have been causing her. She knew she had not been fun to be around since she had arrived at Ivy's home.
'She's tired of you already. All you do is mope about. She doesn't want you here. She doesn't want you.'
She tried to keep the brief burst of energy she felt going encouraging Ivy to join in drinking with her. They drank and ate together and Harley almost felt like her old self again, but when Ivy suggested they go to bed she dreaded the thought, she cherished this brief moment of escape and wanted it to last just a little bit longer.
'She doesn't want to be around you. You're boring, you're exhausting her, she's had enough.' As she heard the voices return, she reached for another drink only to feel her a hand stop her. She couldn't help the involuntary flinch and when Ivy placed her hand on her cheek Harley noticed how the touch lingered just a little bit too long.
'Maybe you are good for one thing.' The voice mocked her and laughed in an eerily similar tone to Jokers but with the higher pitch of her own voice. 'The only reason anyone ever keeps you around is for your body. Why else would she letting you stay here?'
'Please her like you please him.'
She felt their bodies mould in to each other and was confused by the heat rising to her cheeks.
'Of course you want this, you're a whore. This is what you're good at.'
She listened to the voices as she placed light kisses on Ivy's neck the way Joker and many men before him had liked. When Ivy asked what she was doing, she heard herself say "I've got to do something to make up for ya takin' me in Red." And the voices encouraged her along. She heard Harleen's voice arguing against them but it was quickly drowned out by the others.
She felt Ivy push her off of her and was confused. The older woman explained that she was not helping her for hope of sex in return but rather that she cared for her as a friend. She briefly heard Harleen say 'Told ya so.' But the other voices were quick to chime in. 'She's lying, why else would she want you here? You don't have friends. You've seen her staring at you, you know what she wants.'
"Come on Pammy, I've seen the way you look at me." She said cringing at how strongly the slur in her voice had become from the alcohol. She felt Ivy stiffen under her and was then more forcefully pushed away. She was confused and struggling to comprehend the words coming out of Ivy's mouth over the waves of insults being thrown at her from inside her head.
"Do ya not want this Red?" She asked genuinely
"I asked you what you meant by 'You've seen the way I look at you.'" She tried to focus on answering her question. Did she actually think Ivy wanted her in that way or was it just the voices convincing her of this? She felt panic rise up in her and begged her hands not to start shaking again. 'Why would you still be here if she didn't?' She heard them argue with her.
"Imma psychiatrist Pammy, I can read facial expressions and body language. Come on, I just want to forget for a little bit." She said as she leaned back in. When she felt herself being roughly shoved back off and Ivy raising her voice, she stumbled back preparing for a blow to her body that didn't come.
'You've fucked up now' She heard the different voice chanting in her head. "W-what's wrong?" She managed to stutter out
When Ivy explained Harley finally understood the line she crossed and that there was no coming back from this, she had ruined their friendship, she was so stupid. When Ivy asked how long she had known for she didn't know how to answer, how long had she known for? Had she even known in the first place? She tried to think back to noticing Ivy staring at her but in all honesty, she hadn't thought much of it, just her subconscious mind using that as an excuse for why she was being so nice to her all this time. Her answer only made Ivy angrier. She braced for the beating she felt she deserved but when it didn't come and she saw the hurt in Ivy's eyes she wished it would. 'Why do you keep hurting her?"
Harley didn't comprehend most of the conversation after that, the voices where so loud, she just kept trying to apologise and backtrack from what she had done but knew it useless.
'You've ruined it. You're not even good as a sex toy. You're disgusting. Broken. Worthless" They all chanted together. She tried to stop the tears but it was useless. 'Pathetic'
She made to pack up her things and when Lou clearly didn't want to leave with her, she was devastated that even he didn't want her anymore. But she knew she couldn't leave him here, she couldn't handle leaving Ivy with yet another burden to deal with.
She made one last attempt to apologise properly before she left. It felt weak and definitely not enough to make up for what she had done, but her mind was so fuzzy from the alcohol and the emotion that she couldn't come up with anything better.
She closed the door behind and began running, to where she didn't know. She had nowhere and no one else left.
