Ponyboy was dreaming. He knew he was dreaming because he was standing in the church in Windrixville again. But the church had burned down, and that was more true than a fact. Ponyboy looked around, turning in a small circle as he took everything in. He hadn't dreamt about the church… ever, if Ponyboy was correct. Although when he was sick just after Dally… Sodapop had said that Ponyboy thought he was back in the Church nearly the whole time.
He could see where he and Johnny had been playing poker, and he could see their original copy of 'Gone With the Wind' sitting nearby too. He swallowed as he finished his circle. He was relieved that he didn't see any baloney.
"Ponyboy…" Ponyboy turned suddenly, eyes widening as they landed on Johnny. Johnny looked shell shocked, his own eyes looking around the two of them in confusion before landing on Ponyboy again. "Ponyboy, what-why-" Johnny cut himself off, taking a deep breath.
"Johnny…" Ponyboy swallowed, eyes beginning to water. He didn't want to cry, not now. It had been years, nearly three years, since Johnny and Dally had died. Ponyboy had grieved and… he didn't want to say got over their deaths, because Ponyboy didn't think he would ever get over their deaths. But he had stopped waking up in the dead of the night from nightmares that twisted their deaths to blame himself.
"Ponyboy, how are you here?" Johnny asked, there was confusion in his eyes, and there was a worry there too. "You shouldn't be here, you should be with your brothers." Johnny swallowed, stepping forward and raising a hand, as if Ponyboy was the one who wasn't real and not Johnny. After some of the confusion cleared, there was fondness, a pain that Ponyboy knew well right alongside the fondness.
"I… don't know." And he honestly didn't care, either. He didn't remember the events leading up to 'waking up' in this dream, but he knew that it didn't matter. Ponyboy grabbed Johnny's hand, and he could feel the damn breaking; a shaky breath and there were tears welling in his eyes. "Johnny."
Johnny moved first, and the two of them were wrapped up in a hug. Ponyboy was taller than the last time they'd hugged, and their hug only highlighted the new height difference. Ponyboy was silenting crying, his shoulders shaking and his breathing was not at all even. Johnny wasn't much better than Ponyboy, and while Ponyboy knew his own shoulders were shaking, he could feel Johnny shaking just as hard, if not harder, and his breathing was more uneven that Ponyboy's was.
They didn't talk for a while, just holding each other. They didn't know how long they stood there, but when they let go, both of them had puffy eyes that were rimmed red. Their foreheads bumped together, and Ponyboy closed his eyes to just feel for a moment. When he opened his eyes again Johnny was already staring at him, that familiar look plastered in his eyes; the one that made Ponyboy flustered with a fluttery feeling in his stomach.
"Let's sit down, yeah?" Johnny asked, and Ponyboy nodded. He was taller than Johnny now, much taller. His neck hurt a little from how they were standing, so he happily let Johnny grab his hand and pull them towards the deck of cards which was situated like they'd just finished a game.
The two of them sat down, almost instinctively curling towards the other as Johnny leaned forward to gather the cards. Ponyboy grabbed 'Gone With the Wind' and set it beside his thigh. He looked around the church once more. He wouldn't say that he'd missed the church, not by a long shot. The nights had been cold, freezing even with Dally's jacket and cuddling with Johnny. And they'd only had baloney to eat, and at the time they'd been scared of going to jail for murder.
"Wanna play a game?" Johnny asked, leaning back as he started shuffling the cards. Ponyboy nodded, taking a deep breath as he processed. He'd probably be doing that a lot, wouldn't he?
"Sure." Ponyboy nodded once more, and Johnny smiled at him, his eyes brightening slightly. Johnny moved to shuffle the cards, dealing out for the both of them but not yet moving so the two could turn and face each other to actually play.
"Well lookie here," Ponyboy's head snapped up, both in surprise and shock. Standing in the doorway was Dallas Winston, who looked confused, curious, and amused. Which seemed about right for Dally.
"Dally!" Ponyboy's eyes were wide, and Johnny laughed quietly from beside him. Ponyboy pushed himself up and ran to Dally, the book falling and landing beside Johnny who snorted as Ponyboy nearly tackled Dally. Ponyboy had tears in his eyes again as Dally wrapped him in a hug.
"Kid you gotta stop growing, you're taller than me now." Dally told him when Ponyboy pulled back. Ponyboy laughed slightly as he wiped his eyes. Johnny had gotten up and moved closer to Ponyboy and Dally, and pulled Ponyboy and Dally into a group hug. Ponyboy laughed lightly, letting Johnny pull them into the hug. He wrapped his arms around the two of them trying to get a cap on his emotions again.
"How are you here?" Dally asked after they separated, Ponyboy shrugged.
"I dunno, just… woke up here? Don't remember what happened before though." Ponyboy shrugged again. He didn't like the headache he would get if he tried, so he stopped trying when Johnny shoved him.
"That's not good." Dally made a face and Ponyboy made one back at him. Johnny snorted quietly, shoving the two of them as he went back to shuffling the deck of cards in his hands.
"You ain't kidding, but-"
"He'd get terrible headaches and… glitch? Almost? If he tried too much." Johnny interrupted, wincing slightly as he glanced at Ponyboy. Ponyboy only shrugged as the now group of three made their way to sit down again. There was an uneasy silence as they settled. "Wanna play a game?" Johnny asked after a while, already looking to deal out between the three of them.
"Yeah, sure thing." Dally nodded, but he was staring at Ponyboy, a tilt to his head. Ponyboy tried not to let it bother him too much, but whenever Dally got that thoughtful look on his face, it typically meant that he was debating the best way to have a conversation that was going to be awkward or painful for everyone involved or watching.
Ponyboy only experienced one of those conversations and it had been directed at Johnny.
"Hoping you can get the upper hand," Ponyboy laughed, "tired of him winning all the damn time."
"Well if you got better, you wouldn't be losing, now would you?" Johnny retorted. Ponyboy shoved Johnny playfully, moving to sit so that the three of them were more in a triangle rather than Dally sitting across from Ponyboy and Johnny.
"Alright, alright," Dally snorted, looking almost for the life, death? of him like he wanted a cigarette. Could they even have cigarettes? If this was a dream, Ponyboy figured it would have been a thing for them to have.
Somewhere in the distance he could hear a beeping and a sinking pit told him that this wasn't a dream.
Dally watched Ponyboy carefully. He'd fallen asleep after one of those weird glitch things happened, a massive loss of energy that had Dally even scared that the kid was just going to disappear or die on them. Though if he died it wouldn't look like that, not since Johnny and Dally were dead and they seemed to have been just fine.
Something bad had happened to Ponyboy and it had brought him here, to Johnny and Dally. And it wasn't letting him go back, and the only reason that Dally could think of was that Johnny had been missing Ponyboy more so than usual lately. Something had happened and there was a suspicion that Johnny had been part of the cause for it.
Johnny had laid his jacket over top of Ponyboy, something that they'd probably done a number of times before and during their time in the church. Johnny looked anxious, but it always melted away when he was staring at Ponyboy, another thing that had Dally wondering how the hell the gang never caught onto the two of them.
Johnny had never been a good liar, and Ponyboy was the best in the entire gang. Maybe it was because Johnny had always seemed calmer around Ponyboy that whenever that shift happened, it hadn't been noticeable. Maybe there had always been something there and no one ever noticed. Like with Steve and Sodapop, which had been something that Dally had seen coming for miles though it was only confirmed by Ponyboy when they'd gotten to talking about the gang.
Which is when the glitch thing had happened, and Johnny had nearly freaked out. Something must have happened with someone in the gang, and Ponyboy had gotten really hurt because of it, and Ponyboy just… couldn't remember.
Or maybe, someone wasn't letting him.
Dally had noticed that whenever Johnny grabbed Ponyboy, Ponyboy settled. He'd stop glitching as much when trying to remember, but the headaches were more severe. Dally had noticed that Johnny seemed worried whenever Ponyboy went quiet; which while normal that anyone would be concerned about a friend going quiet, it was more… It was different than normal concern.
It was only after Johnny had settled with Ponyboy asleep that Dally decided to say something.
"Johnny, you have to let him go back." Dally uttered quietly, watching Ponyboy carefully. The kid had grown up, and there was a bit of residual guilt from his rant at Ponyboy when they'd been on the way to the hospital after the rumble. There was a hardness to Ponyboy's eyes, and his stance was that of someone who'd seen too much and was prepared for anything now. Johnny hadn't noticed, of that Dally was almost sure of.
"What are you talkin' about Dal?" Johnny's eyebrow furrowed, but Johnny had never been as good a liar as anyone else in the gang, especially not when compared to Ponyboy or Two-Bit. It was obvious now, Johnny wanted Ponyboy back. Johnny missed his best friend, which was fine… but it almost seemed like Johnny had… power over where they were.
If Ponyboy said something about wanting to do something, something caused them to get distracted and suddenly that thing that Ponyboy wanted was there. They'd read through four books already, including 'Gone With the Wind' twice. And Dally was annoyed to admit that it was nice listening to the kid read out loud for them.
It was so much more obvious that something between the two happened, probably at the church, with how Johnny had cuddled up with Ponyboy while the kid had read. They were comfortable curling into the other, with Ponyboy showing the pages to Johnny even if the other wasn't paying attention to them.
"I'm talkin' about how I know that somethin' happened and you jumped on the chance to see Pony again." Dally responded, giving a look to Johnny when he started to look a little uneasy. Johnny wasn't the best at hiding things from people. He always gave something away, so it was just a matter of spotting when he did so. "You did somethin' to bring Ponyboy here, to see him, and now you aren't letting him go back."
"So what if I did?" Johnny muttered, crossing his arms and slouching down where he was sitting. He wasn't looking at Dally anymore, and there were the startings of tears in his eyes. Dally leaned forward to catch Johnny's eye again before speaking.
"It's hurting him." Johnny's face paled, and he looked vaguely sick. Dally almost felt bad about doing this, but he needed Johnny to see what he was doing. "I'll bet every damn dime I ever had that those headaches of his, that glitching and fading, is people trying to keep him alive and you not letting him remember that something bad happened. That it's you not letting him remember that he needs to go back."
Johnny was silent, a look on his face that Dally could only describe as someone who knew they were doing something wrong and not wanting to stop but was also distressed that they were hurting someone they loved.
"How did you figure that?"
Dally had heard a bit of their conversation, that was how. And he told Johnny as much. He didn't see anything that gave it away originally, but thinking back on it? He could see all of it.
"You've changed." Ponyboy uttered, tilting his head, leaning against Johnny carefully. They couldn't see Dally yet, of that Dally had to take a moment to realize. Johnny and Ponyboy were curled up together, Ponyboy holding that book and Johnny shuffling cards, like they had just gotten done reading and were going to be playing a game of cards, or maybe they were about to read and Johnny just needed something to do with his hands and Ponyboy hadn't wanted to disturb him yet.
"You haven't." Johnny responded, a smile on his face. But that wasn't right. Couldn't Johnny see the hardness in Ponyboy's eyes? Couldn't he see how Ponyboy was terrified and just… ready for a fight?
"How so?" Ponyboy laughed, eyes looking at Johnny and oh… Dally supposed that with Ponyboy looking at Johnny… for a moment it really did look like Ponyboy hadn't changed at all. He had to be almost eighteen now, and it showed.
"You still suck ass at cards." Johnny laughed, and Ponyboy groaned, moving as if to push off of Johnny, but a hand from Johnny had him laying against Johnny once more. How the gang had never caught on that there was more to Ponyboy and Johnny, Dally would never know.
Hell, he wondered how he never noticed before now.
"I'm not that bad," Ponyboy responded, "You're just too good. I beat Two, Soda, and Steve all the time." Johnny snorted, stopping his fidgeting with the cards as he glanced at Ponyboy. Dally took a moment to lean against the doorway, watching the two. He'd felt terrible when he'd learned that Johnny truly wanted him to live.
Hell, he'd found himself startled as Johnny had ranted and scolded him, especially for leaving Ponyboy. He hadn't known Ponyboy had been sick, and yeah, it was probably a dick move to die in front of the gang, especially Ponyboy. But Dally had lost it, and only regretted it when it was too late. He'd seen Ponyboy, and the rest of the gang, and the guilt gnawed at him for leaving them.
For wanting to leave them.
He just couldn't live without Johnny… Though he often toyed with the thought of if he had tried. Ponyboy had been right there. Ponyboy, Johnny's best friend, had probably needed someone who wasn't his brothers, or Two-Bit, or Steve. The four of them weren't as close to Johnny.
Don't get Dally wrong, they had all been close as hell, had to have been for the lives they all had. But there was also a difference between being close, and being brothers… and whatever the hell Ponyboy and Johnny had going on that they'd hidden from the gang.
"But you've never been able to win against me." Johnny had the cards stacked in one hand, which he pressed against Ponyboy's chest. Dally thought that if he eavesdropped any longer, he'd learn too much about what had been between the two.
He didn't want to hear anymore of their conversations.
Johnny had been more touchy, he'd happier than any other time that Dally could think of. There was a relief to Johnny's posture, and almost a sense of triumph that you could only notice when knowing that he had something to do with all of this.
Dally got it, he really did. He missed the gang, and he'd literally killed himself because Johnny had died. But this was hurting Ponyboy, even if it wasn't obvious right away. He'd been here a few days, of that Dally was sure about. He wouldn't have been able to tell you how he knew that, or why he knew that, but he was sure of it.
"It hurt," Johnny uttered, Dally made a noise of confusion. They'd been quiet for a little while after Dally had stopped talking. "Dying and knowing that I was leaving the gang. It hurt." He sighed, turning and staring at Ponyboy like he was talking to the youngest Curtis even though they both knew he was asleep.
"We'd just started figuring things out, ya' know? I was prepared to turn myself in, it was self defense and we'd gotten scared. We were kids. But Ponyboy had told me that he was prepared to be there beside me. They couldn't charge him with anything, he didn't do anything and and he was unconscious when it happened but…" There were tears in Johnny's eyes and Dally felt his heart lurch when Johnny looked back at him. "There was a relief that Ponyboy would get to stay with his brothers."
"He almost didn't." Dally pointed out. Johnny made a face at him, and Dally vaguely wondered which version of Johnny he preferred. Before being jumped, after being jumped, or after he'd died.
"But he did. There was a relief there that eased the pain some… But…"
"But you missed him. The two of you were like Steve and Soda." Dally interrupted, and Johnny nodded. "You don't wanna lose him, but you gotta think about his brothers. Ponyboy's the youngest, Johnny." Johnny swallowed, pulling his knees to his chest and putting his head on his knees.
"I know."
"You gotta let him go back. He'll come back to us eventually, but don't make it earlier than it's supposed to be." Dally told him quietly. "Don't force it. You'll only do him more harm." For a moment, it looked like Johnny was going to ignore Dally, before he sighed.
"Okay." He uttered. Dally watched as Johnny moved, closer to Ponyboy where he then carefully shook the youngest in their gang. Ponyboy groaned, turning and blinking at Johnny in confusion.
"Johnny?"
"Sorry, you get some rest, yeah?" Johnny acted as if he hadn't meant to wake the other, pressing a kiss to Ponyboy's temple. Ponyboy groaned, sighing as he turned and settled against Johnny's side.
"Gotta do it Johnny," Dally uttered quietly, and Johnny huffed but nodded. "Gotta let him go." He rolled his eyes when Johnny glared at him, but he said nothing as he brushed his fingers through Ponyboy's hair.
Seconds later, Ponyboy was gone.
Ponyboy groaned quietly. A dream but not quite slipping from his mind faster than he could think about it. For some reason, there was a sadness that followed it. It took a few moments to realize he was awake, everything felt so heavy, and there was a mutedness that surrounded him before it was gone in the span of a second. And then Ponyboy was hearing, and feeling, everything.
Everything hurt and there was an irritable beeping sound coming from somewhere off beside him. He almost flinched when he felt someone grab his hand, there was seemingly more pain on that side of his body.
"Ponyboy? Ponyboy, honey, open your eyes, honey please." That was Sodapop. He sounded terrified, almost… No, that wasn't quite right though. He sounded like he did after Dally died, whenever Ponyboy woke up from his nightmares, or on the off chance that Sodapop had had his own. Terrified and like he was about to cry.
Ponyboy groaned, forcing his eyes open, why did they feel so heavy? He whined and turned his head when he finally did get his eyes to work with him, shutting them tightly. Everything was so bright around him, what was going on?
"Soda…" Ponyboy's voice was slurred, and scratchy.
"Oh honey, baby, I'm right here," Sodapop sounded relieved, and Ponyboy turned his head towards his brother, forcing his eyes open despite the pounding in his head. "Oh thank god," Sodapop was leaning against the hospital bed, though it almost looked like he would be kneeling beside the bed if he could. Ponyboy's left hand was held securely in Sodapop's own.
"Soda… ev'thing hurts…" Ponyboy made a face, and Sodapop let out a weak, wet, chuckle as he reached forward and brushed back some of Ponyboy's hair.
"I'll bet." Sodapop swallowed as he looked towards the doorway, swallowing again and looking back at Ponyboy. "I'm so glad you're okay, you have no idea." Sodapop uttered, pushing himself up and grabbing a chair from behind him and pulling it closer so that he could sit down. Never letting go of Ponyboy's hand.
"Wha' 'append." Ponyboy asked, furrowing his eyebrows as he tried to think back to before he'd woken up here. Sodapop shuddered, shaking his head before forcing himself to stop. Like he was trying to get himself to talk about some horrific event that happened.
Given that Ponyboy was in the hospital, that probably wasn't far off.
"You were in an accident little buddy," Ponyboy's eyes darted to the doorway of the hospital room, Darry was leaning against the doorframe, a heavy relief in his eyes that were full of tears. "You were in a bad accident, you don't remember any of it, though, do you?" Ponyboy shook his head.
"An accident?" Ponyboy asked, eyebrows furrowing as he closed his eyes. He wanted to remember, needed to remember. Like when Johnny and Dally died, there was a part of him that didn't want to remember, never wanted to remember… but there was also the part that had always known, even when he was pretending that he didn't.
He opened his eyes, his eyes burning as he made a face.
"I don't… remember."
"That's okay, we'd be more surprised if you could or did." Darry uttered, glancing out into the hallway before stepping in all the way. He made his way to sit on the edge of the bed, being more than careful as he carefully patted Ponyboy's leg.
"Please never scare us like that again, baby, I don't think-" Sodapop stopped himself as he bowed his head.
"Soda, go see Steve, okay?" Sodapop looked almost offended as his head snapped up to stare at Darry.
"No, he just woke up, Dar-"
"Soda." There was a quiet firmness in Darry's voice. "Go see him, Ponyboy's awake, and he should know that. Right?" Darry asked. Sodapop looked torn between staying with Ponyboy, who was way too confused to follow along with the conversation, and going to see his best friend. And his boyfriend, if Ponyboy remembered correctly. They'd been secretly dating for nearly the last three, maybe four, years.
"Steve's hurt?" Ponyboy asked, drawing the attention back, although he hadn't meant to.
"Go, Pepsi, I'll explain everything to Pony when the doctor comes to check on him, okay?" Darry assured. For a moment it looked like Sodapop was going to argue more, but he sighed, turning and pressing a kiss to Ponyboy's temple, before nodding.
"Okay… I'll be back." Sodapop sounded like he was more so assuring himself rather than Ponyboy like Sodapop had tried to make it seem like he was.
"What happened?" Ponyboy's throat hurt, and he tried to clear it only to have Darry move to grab a cup of water. Ponyboy was unable to lift his hands to hold the cup, which Darry seemed to have expected as he held the cup for him. Ponyboy swallowed, sighing through his nose as his throat seemed to soothe itself.
"What happened? What… What don't I remember?" Ponyboy asked, almost not wanting to know.
"You and Steve got into a car accident, the roads were covered in ice, and… it had rained just an hour beforehand." Darry looked partially distressed, but he swallowed down whatever emotions were bubbling to the surface. "From what Steve said, the car spun out, and flipped a couple times. It-It caused a car pile up, the car kept getting hit and the roads were so damn slippery and icey…" Darry forced himself to stop talking as a doctor came into the room.
"Oh, I was wondering why Sodapop had left this room, welcome back Mr. Curtis, you gave all of us quite the scare." Ponyboy blinked as he watched the doctor.
"I don't remember what happened. Darry was," Ponyboy's voice gave out on him then, a wave of frustration rushing through him.
"I was telling him what we'd been able to piece together from Steve and from what we'd known." Darry informed, already grabbing the cup of water again for Ponyboy.
"Ah, yes. It doesn't surprise me that you don't remember. However I'm sure you will in due time. Now let's get these vitals checked and see how you're doing." There was a kind smile on the doctor's face, and Ponyboy nodded.
Ponyboy was in the hospital for two weeks. They wouldn't let him leave any sooner, but they didn't have the money to cover any longer after two weeks. They'd let him go with the order of strict bed rest, which Sodapop and Darry had assured would get followed. Ponyboy would have been more annoyed if he wasn't anxious about getting in the car.
He may not remember the accident, but his body and subconscious sure as hell did.
The only good thing was that Steve was being discharged on the same day, and Darry was driving. Darry, who could drive in the middle of the storm and make it seem like it wasn't a big deal at all, even though the car was shaking from the wind. Ponyboy would know, a year and a half prior they'd had to do exactly that.
Looking back on it, it was scarier than it had seemed at the time.
Ponyboy was relieved, however, to be able to change out of the hospital clothes. He much preferred his jeans and t-shirts, though Sodapop had snuck him one of Dally's jackets that he'd managed to get from Buck's after Dally had died. It had taken only one argument, and even then, Buck hadn't actually cared.
Darry didn't like Ponyboy wearing Dally's jackets because of the reminder that it brought the gang. They were a group of five instead of seven. But… Sodapop often passed Ponyboy one of Dally's jackets whenever it was apparent that he hadn't grabbed a jacket, or if he'd fallen asleep on the couch and was cold in the summer, or if Ponyboy was struggling from coming out of a nightmare.
Ponyboy wrapped his jacket around himself, bringing the color up to catch even a hint of the cologne that Dally wore, of which he'd never actually been able to learn what one Dally used. It'd been too long by the time he ever attempted to learn and he'd just about forgotten.
He swallowed as Darry pushed his wheelchair, since he wasn't allowed to walk, out of the hospital. At the truck, Steve was already in the backseat with Sodapop, who was adamant about not separating from either for two long. Two-Bit was waiting to help Darry with Ponyboy, a smile on his face greeted Ponyboy.
"There you are, how you feelin' little buddy?" Two-Bit asked when they'd gotten to the truck.
"I'm… anxious." Ponyboy responded as the door opened, the truck was running so that it was warm inside, and Steve was already muttering complaints with the door open. Ponyboy didn't blame him, it was much colder than he thought it should be too.
"Don't blame ya kid." Two-Bit picked Ponyboy up, earning him a startled yelp that got a laugh from Sodapop. Carefully Ponyboy was put in the truck on the other side of Sodapop, who had Steve leaning on him from the other side.
Ponyboy hadn't been able to see Steve, or vice versa since neither were supposed to be out of bed at all. So he took a moment to look at Steve. He was covered in bruises, a particularly nasty one from where Sodapop had said he'd hit the steering wheel just on his cheek and around his temple. There were a bunch of cuts on his face too that made his stomach swoop with a feeling of unease.
Steve glanced, catching Ponyboy's eye. He offered a small, comforting, smile as Darry and Two-Bit climbed into the front seat. They'd come pretty far from heavily disliking each other, mostly for Sodapop's sake, but they'd had one fight, just the one, where all the cards had been thrown onto the table. Their thoughts and opinions on the other, and on what they thought the other thought about them. After that, it had been like there was a hidden wound that had needed to be picked at, to bleed, so that it could truly heal.
Ponyboy offered a smile back, wrapping Dally's jacket around himself further, leaning on Sodapop's other side as he closed his eyes. It took a moment for the truck to get moving; during such a time that he stuck his hands in his pockets because they were cold from being outside at all. Ponyboy stopped short for a moment as his hands brushed over… he shifted, pulling out Dally's chain and ring, both items he knew the police had taken when they searched Dally's body.
He swallowed as a brief memory of a dream ran through his mind. Faint enough that he had no clue what it was about, but it made him feel warm inside. He pocketed both items again, hand gripping onto them protectively as he settled.
He was incredibly anxious in the truck, but Darry was going slow and Two-Bit was attempting jokes to get at least a smile out of Steve and Ponyboy, and chuckles from Sodapop. There was a tension in the air regardless, but it was cracking the closer they got to home.
