Stan stared at his nephew in horror. He had barely even given Gary any thought these last couple weeks, much less suspected he would find out about Mabel's relationship and head up to Gravity Falls. There was a somewhat hilarious but mostly cruel irony to it. Last year, he would have vastly preferred Gary getting all atwitter about one of Mabel's relationships to him finding out about the supernatural and dangerous weirdness around town, but now it was the exact opposite. But Stan could still salvage this situation, especially since they'd put away the pride stuff now that it was July. Thankfully, he'd become a lot tech savvier over the last year, if only because Ford still hadn't gotten used to the tech of the modern day and Stan relished being able to be smarter than Ford at least in one specialized category.

"I can't believe you actually fell for this nonsense, Gary," Stan said, shaking his head in disapproval. "You made your money investing in technology – can't you recognize a hack when you see one?"

Gary looked like he was wavering for a second. Good. Stan had to press his advantage quickly before Gary started to use his brain. And even though he was a low down dirty snake, he was a smart low down dirty snake, so that couldn't be permitted. "Pacifica Northwest is nothing more than a bully. She faked all of this just to get Mabel in trouble with you!"

Mabel looked stricken, but Dipper was covering her mouth so she wouldn't say anything. And Gary and Laurel, self-absorbed as they were, couldn't care less about what their children were doing or feeling if it didn't benefit them. Stan turned to face Dipper. "Wasn't it you who said she was the worst?"

"Yes, but how do you know I said –"

Stan ignored that thoroughly unimportant question. "The Northwest girl is a spiteful brat, but she's a spiteful brat with cash and cash buys anything, even photos that look as realistic as this. With that IRA stuff."

"I think you mean AI, Mr. Pines," Soos added helpfully.

"Yeah, yeah, that," Stan muttered. When he'd heard about genuflecting AI or whatever it was called, he'd been elated. He was always in favor of better ways to con people! But somehow, whenever he'd tried to use it on the tourists, they'd always seen through it. Apparently, they yearned to be conned the old fashioned way. Well, to each their own.

"I mean, come on! Last year, the Northwest girl actually bribed the town nutcase to take a stupid party crown that rightfully belonged to Mabel." Stan made a mental note to demand an apology from Pacifica now that he thought about it. "Does that really sound like someone who's gonna go head over heels with Mabel a year later?"

Gary frowned and Stan knew he had him on the hook. Stan usually felt elated when something like this happened. But not now. He didn't con family. It was a rule. Okay, sure, he'd lied a ton by omission to the kids the previous summer, and maybe outright a few times, but he'd had good reasons for that! He needed to protect them from the dangers of the town. But Gary…Stan was now straight out conning Gary.

If Stan was going to be perfectly honest, he still didn't get this gay stuff. But anyone with eyes could see Mabel and Pacifica were in love. If their relationship made the two of them happy, then who cared what some old men in a desert thousands of years ago said otherwise? No one who deserved the title of family, that was for sure. But even though Stan really didn't like his nephew, he was still Shermie's son, which is why it hurt so much to strike him from the family.

"I think he may be right, Gary," Laurel said. "Wasn't Mabel always talking about her boyfriends in her letters last summer? This Pacifica girl probably got her all confused for her sick amusement, made her think she was gay. All so she could string her along and break her heart!"

Gary cracked his knuckles. "I can't believe I fell for it. Kids, I owe you a huge apology. Mabel, just stay away from this pervert and everything will be fine."

"NO!" Mabel screamed, finally managing to get Dipper's hand away from her mouth. Stan winced, knowing what was coming. "No, Grunkle Stan, you shouldn't lie for me like this." She looked Gary in the eye. "I love Pacifica. She's nothing like what you said! She may have a tough exterior but she'd do anything for me! She loves me! My real family loves me! My grunkles support me!"

Gary was silent, ominously silent for a few seconds. "You allowed this, Stanley."

Well, the cat was out of the bag. "You're damn right I do! Mabel's in love and I want her to be happy, no matter who it is. Pacifica, Mermando, hell, even if the whole thing with the gnome colony had worked out, I could have supported it. Well, tolerate it. You're idiots for saying otherwise."

"You lied to me," Gary said coldly.

"You say that like you're special, Pines," Stan said, even more coldly. "I lie to everyone. But not about how much I love my family. You? You're not family. You're nothing more than a low down, no good rat."

"This is over," Gary vowed. "Mason, Mabel, you will never see this charlatan ever again!" He grabbed Mabel by the arm, tight, and dragged her over to the door. Laurel did the same with Dipper.

"GRUNKLE STAN, DO SOMETHING!" Mabel screamed. "He's hurting me!"

Stan hesitated for a second before doing what he knew would cross the point of no return when it came to his relationship with his nephew. But only for a second. He drew the gun he always kept on his person and pointed it at Gary's head. "Let go of them."

Gary let go of Mabel. He looked horrified and distraught and a bit of guilt snaked through Stan. But only a little and it was only caused by how much Gary looked like Shermie in that moment. His guilt instantaneously vanished when he saw that Laurel was holding Dipper in front of her, using him as a human shield. "You can't do this…" Gary stammered. "This is kidnapping! These are our children! We have a right to them!"

"Laurel, I'm going to give you ten seconds to let go of Dipper or I'll shoot your husband right in front of you," Stan said, feeling bile building up in his throat. He would do it if he had to. He would shoot Shermie's son. He'd feel terrible about it for the rest of his given days, but he'd do it.

Laurel mercifully took just one second before she shoved Dipper away. "You're a bastard."

"Sure, but I'm the bastard who cares about your kids, which is more than I can say for you."

Gary pulled out his cell phone. "I'm calling the police!"

Stan froze for a few seconds, remembering all of his terrible encounters with law enforcement in the past. For some reason, they never seemed to take the word of him, a wanted criminal, and were always interested in bringing him in for unimportant things like pug smuggling and first degree llamacide. No matter that the llama knew too much! But then, he remembered where he was. And, more importantly, what the local cops were.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Stan bluffed. Reverse psychology was the best kind of psychology!

"Or what, you'll shoot us?" Gary sneered.

Stan put his gun back. "No. But come on. The kids don't deserve this. Will you really let their uncle get arrested in front of them? It wasn't good for them the first time." Gary sneered at him and dialed 911.

"The first time?!" Laurel shrieked. Whoops. Okay, yes, that one probably was a legitimate strike against Stan. Not that it would matter soon.

Gary stepped over to a corner of the Mystery Shack and started ranting and raving to the cops. Stan turned it all out. He'd heard it all before.

"Mom, Dad, please, just go," Dipper vowed. "We're safe here. I mean, aside from occasionally being possessed by dream demons and being kidnapped by gnomes and let's not forget about Weirdmageddon." Stan couldn't keep the grin off his face. Oh, the kid was a genius if he was going where Stan thought he was going.

Dipper winked at Mabel, who seamlessly continued the bit. "Oh, Mom and Dad, whatever you do, don't tell the police about Weirdmageddon. We only got somewhat traumatized!"

Gary and Laurel took the bait. Hook, line, and sinker. Those con artist lessons Stan had given the twins really paid off. The two of them interrogated Dipper and Mabel about Weirdmageddon. The kids didn't give any clear details, just gave a lot of thousand yard stares and hysterical crying. It was a really impressive performance. Actually, Stan suspected it wasn't much of a performance at all, but he could only deal with one crisis at a time, so it was officially an act until Gary and Laurel were dealt with.

Finally, the door opened and Blubs and Durland sauntered in. They were the stupidest morons to ever walk the face of the earth, but they were now firmly on Stan's side since he saved the town and, more importantly, they were gayer than Liberace. "Now what seems to be the trouble here?" Blubs asked.

"This man is trying to kidnap my children!" Laurel screamed. Oh, yeah, that'd go well.

Durland blinked. "Wait, these are your children? I thought they were his children."

"No one's trying to kidnap anyone," Stan said glibly. "We're just having a slight disagreement."

"He's brainwashed my little girl into thinking she's gay!" Gary said and Stan watched with elation as Blubs's eyes narrowed.

"What did you just say?" he hissed. Stan would never have thought of Blubs as being capable of being even vaguely intimidating, but he certainly didn't want to be on the opposite end of that look.

Durland took longer to realize what was going on than Blubs, but when he did, he clenched his fists and then gave Blubs a long, slobbery kiss on the mouth. Gary looked like he was ready to throw up. To be fair, Stan felt similarly, though for very different reasons. That was just way too much PDA for Stan's tastes.

"You're all in it!" Laurel "realized." "This is an organized conspiracy to corrupt our poor youth! This must have something to do with that Weirdmageddon thing!"

Durland and Blubs gave vicious grins to each other. "May I do the honors, Blubs?"

"Oh, I insist," Blubs said.

The two of them pulled out tasers. Durland shocked Laurel and Blubs shocked Gary. Stan felt no pity as the two of them fell to the ground and wriggled around through the force of the electricity. Mabel looked horrified, though, and Dipper looked very sad but still resolute. Stan couldn't blame them. He would have felt the same way if someone had done the same to his dad, even though he'd finally realized what a bastard the old man had been.

"You two are under arrest for violation of the Never Mind All That Act," Blubs announced. He and Durland dragged the now unconscious Gary and Laurel out of the shack and stuffed them in the back of their police car. "You won't see these miscreants again," he assured them as he and Durland drove off.

There was silence for a long while. "Well, that strikes me as really, really unconstitutional," Dipper mused.

"Hey, when there's cops around, anything's illegal," Stan said with a wink. "Hey, you all right?"

Mabel sighed. "I just wish we could have come to some sort of understanding."

"That wasn't possible," Stan said with certainty. "They were a danger to you and had to be dealt with. I'm sorry, but I won't sugarcoat it for you. You deserve that. If they'd gotten you back to Gravity Falls, Mabel, they would have sent you to a conversion camp. Maybe Dipper too just to be sure. It would have been a living hell."

"I guess you're right," Mabel admitted. "But they're still my parents. I love them."

"Maybe some time in jail will teach them the error of their ways," Dipper suggested.

Stan patted him on the shoulder. "Sure, Dipper. Sure. Well, I've got to call my lawyer and make things all official with the two of you staying here full time. You going to be okay?"

Dipper and Mabel looked at each other and nodded. Stan started heading for the stairs. He took a look behind him just so see how the kids were reacting. Mabel pulled out her phone and called Pacifica. "Pacifica, you'll never guess what just happened!" Mabel said, her voice much brighter now that she was talking to the girl she loved.

Stan smiled. The kids were finally alright.