Chapter 54: Nasty Lynn-sagna

Here's a parody of the episode: Nasty Patty, which takes place after The Loud House season 3 finale: Cooked

Now I can use Lynn Sr. in Mr. Krabs role more often

Lincoln narrates: It's a dark and stormy night. It's nights like these that remind me of the time me and my dad thought we killed the health inspector. (We cut to a flashback) It was a bright and sunny morning.

A health inspector arrives at Lynn's Table. Inside, Lincoln is helping his dad cook food in the kitchen. Then Lynn sniffs the air. "That smell...it smells like the health inspector!"

"Health inspector?" Lincoln said.

"Yes! Wash your hands, clean the floors, change your underwear!"

Lynn Sr. and Lincoln look out the kitchen window. "If he finds one health violation, he'll close us down for good. We've got to do everything in our power to make sure he passes my restaurant."

"But Dad, there's no need to worry." Lincoln assured. "Lynn's Table is the most perfect place in the universe."

Lynn Sr. looked deadpan. "Did you throw out your brains son?" He pushes Lincoln out of the kitchen. "Just go out there and give him what he needs. Pour on the charm. Sweet talk him."

Lincoln goes up to the inspector who's at a table. "What can I get for you, handsome?"

Lynn Sr. slaps his forehead. "We're doomed!"

"I'm gonna need you to bring me one of everything on the menu." The inspector said as he looked at his clipboard.

"Excellent choice my good man." Lincoln heads back to his father. "He wants one of everything."

"Then we'll give him a smorgasbord." Lynn Sr. held out a tray with different dishes. "The future of Lynn's place is at stake!"

Lynn Sr. and Lincoln went to the health inspector and shoved all kinds of food into his mouth.

"Try the Lu-Caesar salad, sir." Lincoln offered.

"The Luna casserole is totally rockin!" Lynn Sr. offered.

"The Beef WelLincoln is named after yours truly."

"Buffa-Lola chicken wings?"

"Chicken catcha-Lori?"

"Hummus and Rita chips?"

"Gentlemen, please!" The health inspector swallowed the food. "Let me finish my work in peace."

He clicks his pen, and a fork comes out of it.

Soon, the health inspector has eaten everything on the menu and looks stuffed. Lincoln came over to him. "And did the voluptuous inspector enjoy his meal?"

"So far, so good." The inspector said as he wrote on his clipboard. "I just need to try a plain Lynn-sagna and my inspection will be finished."

Lincoln went back into the kitchen where his dad was. "He says if he gets one more Lynn-sagna he'll pass us for the inspection."

"Do you know what this means, son? We're in the clear!"

The father and son did a victory dance. Then the news reporter is heard on the TV. "We interrupt this victory dance for a special news bulletin. Be on the lookout for a man who's passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food. That's all for now."

Lynn Sr. got furious when he heard this. "FREE FOOD?!"

"Maybe we should tell our guy about the phoney imposter?" Lincoln said. pointing at the health inspector.

"Don't you see Lincoln? He is the imposter! We've been duped!"

"Duped!"

"Bamboozled!"

"We've been Wild Willied!"

"Huh?" Lynn Sr. said confused.

"That's what Ace Savvy and One Eyed Jack say when they've been tricked by Wild Card Willy."

Lynn Sr. and Lincoln look out the window and watch the inspector. "Look at him. I bet he never washes his clothes."

"I bet he pops balloons."

"I bet his mom bought him that hat." Lynn Sr. gets out a Lynn-sagna. "If that imposter wants a Lynn-sagna, then we'll give him one heck of a Lynn-sagna."

He gets a bottle of hot sauce and pours it on the dish. "You're dancing with the Senior Loud now. Join me son or you're grounded.

"It doesn't seem right." Lincoln said as he hesitated, but then he put on a devious smile and took out a condiment bottle. "But it feels so good! Anchovy paste, the worst ingredient ever."

"Hang on, i've got a jar of Lana's chewed up bubblegum." Lynn Sr. said.

Lincoln drops the dish in dirty mop water. "Oops, I "accidentally" dropped it in the mop water."

"Well, fish it out and I'll dry it with my underwear."

Soon, the Lynn-sagna was finished. It looked more expired now.

"Why that's the most diabolical dish ever created." Lynn Sr. said. "I'll call it "The Nasty Lynn-sagna."

Lynn Sr. and Lincoln giggled. The health inspector is still waiting for his last meal.

"Hey, hurry up with that Lynn-sagna!"

Lincoln brought him the dish. "Here you are sir. Enjoy." He ran off.

"Ah, delicious. Come to papa." The inspector is about to eat the Lynn-sagna but a fly goes into his mouth and he chokes, causing him to drop the food. Lincoln and his father are sitting under the kitchen window.

"Listen, he ate it!" Lynn Sr. looks out the window. "Look at him choke!"

Lincoln looks and they laugh at the poor man.

"Look at him suffer!" The man continues to choke. Lincoln and Lynn Sr. get back under the window laughing. "Did you see that son? The look on his face!"

The health inspector gets up and he slips on the lasagna, which causes him to fall backwards on the table. He lays down on the floor, unconscious. The fly comes out of his mouth. Lynn Sr. and Lincoln laugh. Then the news reporter is on again. "We interrupt your laughter and other people's expense to bring you this new flash. The fake inspector has just been captured. Here is his picture." A picture of the real imposter is shown. He looks like a criminal. "If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real."

"Phew!" Lincoln said relieved. "That's a relief, eh Dad? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it."

Lynn Sr. looked out the window. "I don't think he'll be laughing son."

"Why not?" Lincoln looked.

"Because that lasagna killed him!"

Lynn Sr. and Lincoln scream in horror.

"Dad, we're gonna go to jail for murdering an innocent man!"

"What's this we stuff? You're the one who gave him the lasagna!"

"Cause you told me too!"

"Well, you could've talked me out of it!"

"...You're right Dad. I'm guilty. I'll never survive in prison. They'll mop up the floor with me!"

"Get a hold of yourself son! We've got to get rid of this body before anyone sees it! We've got to take it out and bury it!"

The Loud father and son head to the cemetery. Lynn Sr. has a shovel and Lincoln is dragging the unconscious body.

"Man, this is gross!" Lincoln whined. "This is something Lucy would enjoy."

Lincoln sprays the body.

"Shh!" Lynn Sr. said. "Speaking of Lucy, look!"

Lucy is seen at another part of the cemetery, looking at a tombstone.

"We can't let her find out about the dead body!" Lincoln panicked.

"Don't worry, I'll try to get rid of her." Lynn Sr. said. He went up to Lucy. "Hey honey."

"Dad, what are you doing here?"

"I thought you'd like this Free Burpin Burger meal coupon." He showed her the coupon. "Why don't you invite your friends along too?"

Lucy took the coupon.

"Well, that's generous of you, but my friends won't be available until tomorrow. And I planned on staying here for at least an hour. I'm writing poems about my favorite gravestones."

"I see." Lynn Sr. went back to Lincoln. "Well, Lucy isn't budging."

"I have an idea. Why don't we go bury the body somewhere far from here? There's a chance Lucy might find the body here. She has this spell that allows her to see corpses when they're buried."

"That's our Lucy alright. Let's go."

The Loud father and son head farther away somewhere as it begins to get dark outside. Lynn Sr. has a lantern and shovel while Lincoln is dragging the health inspector's body.

"This should be far enough. Now get digging." Lynn Sr. hands Lincoln the shovel.

"Yes sir." Lincoln begins digging but then stops.

"What's the holdup?"

"There's a big rock in the way!"

"Well, toss it up and then get back to digging!"

Lincoln used his strength and tossed the rock out. The health inspector woke up.

"Ooh, where am I?"

The big rock hits him in the head, and he becomes unconscious again.

"Something ain't quite right." Lynn Sr. inspected. "His head's sticking out!"

It's shown that the health inspector wasn't completely buried.

"Sorry Dad, I thought he might need some air." Lincoln buried his head.

"He doesn't need air where he's going." Lynn Sr. begins to walk off. Lincoln follows.

"Shouldn't we say a few words on his behalf?"

"Uh, he was a credit to health inspectors everywhere and, uh-"

"He was a brave man who deserved better." Lincoln added and he wiped a tear from his eye. "This was all our fault."

Lynn Sr. became sad too. "Yeah." Then he became stern. "Now listen here, young man. No one, and I mean no one can ever know about this. Not even our family. It'll be the end of both of us."

"Stop right where you are!" Two police officers showed up in a police car. A male and a female.

"I'm afraid I'm gonna have to arrest the two of you." The male officer said.

"Dad, I'm too young to go to jail!" Lincoln cried.

"And what would be the charges?" Lynn Sr. asked the officer.

"For not being at Lynn's Place to whip us up some delicious Lynn-sagnas!"

The two officers laugh. Lynn Sr. laughs nervously.

"Laugh son." He whispered to Lincoln. Lincoln laughed nervously. As he laughed, it began to rain. The rain caused the unconscious health inspector to slide down the hill.

"Put that muddy shovel in the truck and we'll give you a ride back."

Lincoln is still laughing so Lynn Sr. nudges him in the arm. They walk to the back of the car and open the truck. Lincoln puts the shovel inside.

"Lincoln, listen carefully." Lynn Sr. ordered. "We're just getting a lift back to my restaurant. Just stay calm and don't lose your cool. Understand?"

"Can I lose my cool now?" Lincoln said worried.

"Why?"

They both see the unconscious body in front of them and scream.

"Put him in the truck son! I'll keep the cops busy!" Lynn Sr. hands the body over to his son.

"What's the holdup back there?"

Lynn Sr. goes to the front to explain to the cops.

"Ew, it's touching me!" Lincoln said as he had the unconscious body. "Get away!"

He tossed the body in the trunk and sprayed himself with disinfectant. The health inspector wakes up again but Lincoln doesn't notice and slams the trunk on him.

"Ok, all set back here." He told the others. "Nothing unusual about a muddy shovel in the truck." He laughs nervously.

Lynn Sr. and Lincoln get in the car. Although, Lincoln looks uneased.

"You ok there kid?" A female officer asked.

"Oh, he gets nauseous real easy." Lynn Sr. said.

"Well, buckle up and we'll drive real smooth like." The male officer said. He drives off speedily.

"Now listen Lincoln, when we get back to the restaurant, put the shovel back in the freezer. Understand?"

"I understand, Dad, but what do you want me to do with the bod-"

"Bottles of root beer!" Lynn Sr. said as he covered Lincoln's mouth. "Bottles of root beer. Same thing, put them in the freezer."

The female officer looks at the two. Lynn Sr. and Lincoln laugh nervously.

Lincoln goes to the back of Lynn's Place with the unconscious health inspector. "Ugh! Germs, germs, germs!"

He tried to open the door but it was locked. "Aw man, the back door's locked. What am I gonna do?" He then spotted a box and got an idea.

Inside, Lynn Sr. is talking with the police officers. "So I say that's not a donut, it's a hole-nut!"

They all laugh. Lincoln comes in with the box labeled "Canned meat."

"Hey son, I thought you were out back taking care of that shovel!" Lynn Sr. said as he gritted his teeth and winked at Lincoln.

"Well, the back door was locked so I came around here." He pushed the box that had the health inspector inside. "So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put this box of canned meat in the kitchen now."

"Alright Lincoln."

"Where'd he get a box of canned meat?" The male officer asked.

"Oh, uh, we had a late delivery today." Lynn Sr. fibbed. "They just leave our food somewhere outside."

Lincoln pushes the box into the kitchen.

"Phew! That was a close." Lynn Sr. said to himself.

"What was that?" The female officer asked.

"I said...how about a toast? A toast to go with your Lynn-sagna!"

Then the male officer got a call on his walkie talkie. He pulled it out and listened to someone speaking. "Forget the lasagna Loud. We just got a call about two ghouls burying a stiff at Shallow Grave Road."

This made Lynn Sr. shake with fear.

"I want a soda." The female officer said.

"Here's your soda." Lynn Sr. gave her a soda. "Always a pleasure to serve our fellow officers. Well goodbye now."

The officer sipped the soda. "Hey, there's no ice."

Lynn Sr. sweated nervously. "Ice? Ice? You want ice? Is that what you want? You want ice?"

Lincoln came back. "The dark deed you requested is done Dad."

"I'll get it myself." Said the female officer as she began to head back into the kitchen. "Ice is in the freezer, right?"

Suddenly, Mr. Loud ran back and blocked the freezer. "There's no ice! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!"

"Step aside. You people act like you've committed a murder."

Lynn Sr. couldn't hide the guilt anymore. "Ok, I confess! Lincoln killed him!"

"What? You can't blame me for this whole rap!"

"He was insane! I tried to stop him officers but he was out of control!"

"It was all my Dad's idea!"

"Arrest him now! He's a bad man!"

"He wears a nightgown to bed!"

"Wait, I can explain!"

"What the heck are you two talking about?" The female officer asked.

"We killed the health inspector!" Lynn Sr. confessed. "We buried him and then stuffed his body in the freezer!"

"You mean in here?"

They all looked in the freezer but saw nothing.

"It's empty." Lynn Sr. said.

"Say, is this some kind of prank?"

"Yeah, it's a prank." Lynn Sr. said as he went along with it.

"Say, maybe he turned into a zombie and walked out."

The four of them laughed. Then they heard moaning as someone entered the kitchen.

"Aaaah! It's the zombie!" Lincoln yelled.

The light was turned on and the health inspector is seen, looking a bit messy. "Hey you guys."

He was hit with a toaster by the male officer. "Take that you zombie!"

"I'll take it from here." The female officer hit him with a brick. "Die zombie!"

"Good police work, Officer Nancy." The officers notice the person more clearly. "Hey, this guy's not a zombie. He's just an ordinary health inspector."

The injured health inspector lifts his head up. "Yes, and at the risk of being hit again, I'd like to present you with this."

He shows all of them a note that has the word "pass" on it checked.

"Hey Dad, look. We passed the inspection!"

They all cheered, except for the injured man. They head out of the kitchen.

"Come on everybody! Let's all have a round of free Lynn-sagnas on me!"

The health inspector crawled out, a bit dazed. "Oh boy, I'd really like a lasagna now." A frying pan fell on him, knocking him out once again.

Lincoln: Well, that's the story. Yes, we were all dumb, weren't we?