Author's notes: This is an extra to the recent GSJ chapter (Phase 02). I found it more appropriate to carve it out of the fic instead of adding it there as an additional chapter. This can be read as a standalone fic though because it follows the CE timeline.
Extra 01: You are inside me, am I inside you?
Athrun and Cagalli were given two separate rooms to stay in whenever they visited Kira and Lacus. Athrun was fine with that kind of arrangement. It had been that way in the Athha estate years prior, under Mana's strict surveillance. Mana never allowed men to go near Cagalli if she could help it, not even Athrun, despite knowing that they have something going on between them. So, he was quite used to sleeping separately, even if he desired otherwise.
However, in their recent visits, Cagalli had been inviting him to sleep with her instead. He was quite nervous about Cagalli's boldness recently. At first, he reminded her that Mana wouldn't allow of this and would be angry if she was here, but Cagalli shrugged it off and told him not to worry about it, which had the opposite effect on him.
But it wasn't just Mana's reaction he was worried about. He was more worried about what he would do when he's all alone with her in that kind of setting.
It doesn't seem like Kira and Lacus mind it either. One time, they ran into Kira as they exited the room together. He said nothing but only smiled and greeted them a "good morning" and told them that breakfast was ready.
In the past, she was always shy when it came to being affectionate and she would get flustered when he initiated anything, be it a touch on the hand, a hug or a quick peck on the lips. She would turn red and try to blabber about anything to save herself from feeling so embarrassed. She still is that way in front of other people, but when it was just the two of them, it was different.
Athrun surmised that this change started that one time she invited him out to eat monjayaki and they ended up running through town trying to escape her bodyguards. He was surprised when she reached out and wanted to meet him in person. After that, she seemed to occasionally ask to see him, spend more time with him or be touchier with him, which he was happy about.
Tonight was out of those evenings.
That night, Athrun found himself on top of Cagalli, kissing each other senselessly. They were together in her bed, and they were getting lost in each other's warmth.
Athrun didn't know what was in the air that night, but they both seemed to have gotten a bit carried away. They usually didn't go this far. At the start, they only cuddled and kissed before dozing off. But those kisses and touches gradually started to linger and become more intense. Right now, it was incredibly heated, with their hands roaming around each other's bodies. He was on top of her, with one hand holding himself up for support while the other was caressing her face. His lips moved to kissing her neck and her nape which she welcomed with a moan. That turned him on even more.
He went back for another round of heavy kissing. She opened her mouth and invited him to do more with his tongue. He was starting to feel dizzy, and blood was rushing to places he didn't welcome. He knows that he was already hard as a rock. The taste of her lips, the sounds that she was making, the smoothness of her skin, the motions of her hand, her hot breath and the heat that she was emanating were all so intoxicating for him.
He wanted more. He wanted all of her.
When Cagalli shifted her position and almost grazed it with her knee, he become more aware of the situation. He realized that a little more of this and he would absolutely lose it to his physical wants.
Shit.
He was drowning in the state of frenzy. She was lightly tugging his hair in one hand while the other already made its way to underneath his clothes, rubbing his back. She gently ran her nails across his skin, and he shivered at the touch. It was getting to a dangerous territory that he had to put a stop to it before he couldn't control himself and let his carnal desires completely take over.
At the same time, he didn't want to stop. He wanted to keep going. He wanted to touch her more and wanted her hands to be all over him too.
No! His mouth was still on hers, but he was now a bit distracted, fighting with himself. One part of him wanted to ignore the feelings of anxiousness and let things run their course. Another cautioned him that they could no longer go any further than this. Not right now, anyway.
Damn it. He cursed at himself. He vowed to wait until marriage so how come he let it come this far? In the first place, he shouldn't have agreed to sleep in the same room because this would eventually happen. It didn't happen the first time, but they breached new limits each time they were alone like this.
He summoned an insurmountable amount of self-restraint and pulled away from her. A large part of him was in despair but it was the right thing to do. They shouldn't be doing these things for now.
"Athrun?" Cagalli was flushed and she almost out of breath. She had the look of confusion on her face when he abruptly stopped and hoisted himself out of the compromising position and sat on the bed, with his back facing her.
Athrun took a deep breath and composed himself. He turned his head around to smile at her so that he wouldn't worry her. "Actually, I think I should sleep in the other room." He sheepishly said, not wanting to admit nor show what has become of his member with how much more intimate they've been today.
"Why? What's wrong?" His attempt failed because her voice and expressions were filled with concern. It was also the first time that it happened that he would now go back to his room when he was already here with her.
"Uuhh, you have a busy schedule tomorrow, right? I shouldn't keep you up." He laughed nervously, trying to make excuses because he was in a predicament so mortifying, and he didn't want Cagalli to notice.
"It's fine, really." She shrugged off the items that was on her plate tomorrow. She usually was lacking in sleep anyways, what's one more night that she slept a bit late. She tugged on his shirt and motioned for him to get back to bed so they could resume what they were doing. "Come back to bed with me, Athrun…"
"Really Cagalli, you should rest…" Athrun was playing it cool and brushing her off. He was going to lose it if Cagalli kept saying things like that in such a sensual way. Well, maybe it objectively wasn't, but in his lens, it was. She was in comfortable pajamas but somehow the first two buttons were already undone, and he could see a bit of her cleavage. He wanted to jump right back in. How could she look cute and sexy at the same time? It didn't make logical sense!
"Did I do something wrong? Tell me." Cagalli demanded and was starting to get even more impatient. She knew this wasn't just because of her schedule tomorrow, but he just wasn't telling her.
"You did nothing wrong." He assured her and was about to stand up to avoid further probing from her. "Good night Cagalli, let's talk tomorrow."
"No!" She also got up and prevented him from leaving by wrapping her hands around his waist.
"Hey!" Athrun was surprised that she held him held down. She was using a lot of her strength to lock him in. He was now stuck because he wanted to escape her, but he didn't want to shake her off nor pry her hands off him by force.
"Don't move or I'll get really mad." She warned him because she knew that the moment she would loosen her grip, he'd try to stand up and leave. He complied because what else could he do? If he attempted to go, she would chase after him. It would probably even stir Kira and Lacus and he didn't want that scenario to happen.
She had his clothes gripped and sat down beside him, ready to confront him. "I probably did something weird just now didn't I?' He wasn't looking at her, his arms both on his thighs and his head down low. Frustrated, she pulled his arm to he would turn to her. "Are you listening to me? Look at m—"
She finally had a glimpse of it and understood what was going on seeing the throbbing bulge that he was desperately trying to hide.
"Oh…" She was dumbfounded and her cheeks started to redden for a different reason than moments ago. She wanted to know why Athrun just stopped kissing her and acted strange, and she finally found out. Now what? This was incredibly awkward. She didn't know what to feel or what to say.
"Stop looking, it's embarrassing." Athrun broke the deafening silence and hid his face with his hands and rested his elbows on his knees in a poor attempt to keep it out of view. He wanted the ground to devour him at this very moment. He couldn't bear seeing any judgment or look of disgust coming from her. Anyone but her!
"A-ahh… I'm sorry. That was really rude of me!" She didn't even realize she was starting at it longer than she'd like to admit. She clasped both of her hands in an apology.
"It's fine…" Athrun shrugged in defeat. "It was bound to happen, I'm a man after all…" Anyone would get like this if they were in this kind of situation with a girl that they loved… is what Athrun also wanted to say, but was this the time for that?
She would probably think he was just being incredibly shameless and that he wasn't sincere in saying that he only felt this way precisely because of her. But it was true though, he always yearned for her, every part of her, so it was only natural to have these sensations when she was this close to him. He didn't know if she would believe him though…
He didn't know why he felt shame even if she already knew about his brazen delusions of her during the battle with the Foundation. Somehow, he at least put up a front with Shura and when she tried to confront him afterwards, he deflected by hoisting her up in the air. They eventually talked about it, but he brushed it off as a very effective strategy. But now, it feels like all the confidence that he had was draining away, especially in front of the woman he constantly has these thoughts of. His inexperience with these kinds of things coupled with his desire to wait until marriage before they consummated was clawing at him.
They sat beside each other, with Athrun looking at anywhere but her and Cagalli not saying anything for a while. When this happened before, he managed to de-escalate, and they would just cuddle or talk for the rest of the night. Usually, he would just relieve himself in the shower after she fell asleep. But this time, they both got carried away. Cagalli was the one who did put her hand underneath his clothes.
"Uhmm… Athrun…" Cagalli started to speak, trying to test the waters. She knew that he was in a state of distress, so she wanted to make him feel a bit better.
"Don't worry." Athrun assured her. "It will calm down soon." He could get up now to rush to the bathroom and ease his erection already, but knowing that she would be outside, awake and aware of what he was doing… He was probably not going to get off of that.
"No, I…" Cagalli shook her head, that wasn't what she was trying to say. "I wanted to say that… I'm not angry nor put off… or anything of that sort... So that's why you shouldn't feel so embarrassed… I don't really mind it…" She was speaking the truth; she really didn't think badly of him for it, and he knew it was genuine. It was normal bodily reaction that even he couldn't control after all.
"I guess you're right." He smiled and appreciated her words of comfort. While he was beating himself over it, she was here consoling him. Cagalli wouldn't have said that if she didn't truly mean it. She was truly so kind and considerate of him. How could he not feel better?
With Cagalli clearing the air, he sighed out of relief. "Anyway, I really think it's best if I sleep in the other room for now." He initially just used it as an excuse, but she did have to leave early tomorrow so she ought to rest up. He would feel very conscious if he stayed here with her anyway.
He was already up in his feet when he felt her fingers clutching his clothes again, preventing him from retreating to his own bedroom. He was dumbfounded because she really didn't want him to leave. But why?
"Cagalli?" He turned back and saw her staring at him with an expression on her face that he sworn he had never seen before. Her hair was disheveled, her clothes unkempt and he was seeing her breasts again at that angle. There was something so erotic about everything that he was starting to feel weak again.
"Athrun… uhm…" She hesitated for a bit but inhaled deeply and found the courage to continue. "…do you… want to do it… with me?"
Huh?
Athrun couldn't believe his ears. Why would she say such a thing?
Doyouwanttodoitwithme. Doyouwanttodoitwithme. Doyouwanttodoitwithme.
Do. You. Want. To. Do. It. With. Me.
Do you want to do it with me?
What in the world?
Her words kept repeating in his head on and on. It was as if something in him short-circuited or some part of his brain was fried because he could not believe what he was hearing. Did she just utter what he heard she did…? But that was impossible, she would never say things like that! She was the purest soul! So, he must be imagining things, right? Or better yet, this was all a dream because this all sounded too good to be true.
But the more he stood there, frozen on the spot and the way she stared at him in anticipation of his response, the more he realized that he did not mishear her, she did in fact ask him that and it simply wasn't making sense in his head.
Do you want to do it with me?
"Huh?!" It just registered in his brain that she asked him to have sex with her, and he almost choked. He recognized how loud the sound that he let out was and then lowered his voice in fear that it might catch the attention of Kira and Lacus. He put both of his hands on her shoulders and looked at her intently. "Hey, do you realize what you're saying?"
"I do!" She looked at him with resolute eyes, which came as a surprise to him.
"You…" He got dropped to the floor, with one hand clutching on to her knee for support, and the other massaging both of his temples due to the stress this was giving him. First, he tried to weasel his way out of her catching sight of his erection and now she was offering herself up to him just like that. How did it all end up like this?
Cagalli held the hand that was on her kneecap and was a bit confused with his uncanny reaction. She couldn't understand why Athrun was acting this way, unless…?
"Do you… not want to do it with me?" She asked in an anxious tone. Was he just simply being nervous, or he was rejecting her?
"Of course I want to! You're the only person I want to do it with!" Athrun's response was quick and startled her. She had to admit, it was even a bit funny to see his face change from being in such a distress to looking at her with so much enthusiasm. She had to stop herself from bursting out laughing because it might end up making him feel worse.
He realized that he answered intensely on impulse and reverted to his troubled state. "But this and that are two different things…" He groaned and put his hand on his temple.
"Why are they different?" She probed, now confident that she wasn't rejecting her for the initial reason she thought of but wanted to know his reasons.
"Just because I want to, doesn't mean I should…" His voice trailed off, deliberating if he should expound more. "Besides we aren't even…" They're not even married, and he wanted to wait until then! Heck, they were not even dating! It makes it even worse now that it dawned on him that he has never even told her that he loved her! They were doing things in the wrong order again and he only has himself to blame for following his instincts and not thinking things through.
What worried him the most was not treating her right. He wanted to show her the love and care that she deserved. After making so many mistakes that ended up hurting her, he swore to never cause her pain ever again. Now he didn't want to rush into things and wanted to think them thoroughly before deciding to act.
Never mind Mana, how would Uzumi-san react if he was still here? Surely, he would have wanted his beloved daughter's partner to treat her with utmost care. He wouldn't want some lecherous unworthy man even remotely laying a hand on his daughter. Uzumi-san would probably tear him apart with his bare hands if he ever tried to act on his shameless delusions.
His insecurities were starting to surface again, even after he. Even until now, he knows that he wasn't good enough for her. Athrun was a self-loathing man, and he did think that after all that he's done, he has to put in the work to become a man worthy to stand next to her. He just wasn't there yet.
He wanted to live up to those expectations.
"I can't… I'm not…" He leaned his head on her knees and closed his eyes and inhaled softly, unable to continue.
"Athrun…" Cagalli patted his head affectionately. While he didn't say it out loud, she kind of knew where he was going. She has known him for years at this point after all and understood that he was probably beating himself up over his self-depreciating inner thoughts.
What could she do for him?
"Could you look at me, please?" Cagalli coaxed him.
Athrun lifted his head up and had such a sad expression that she wanted to wipe away from his face.
"I only want to do it because it's with you…" She reassured him while she cupped his cheeks. She felt slightly embarrassed talking about these matters out loud, but it had to be said. "I wouldn't have asked anyone else, only you. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"Cagalli…" He just stared at her dumbfounded, not knowing what to respond to her.
She signed inwardly, not wanting to spell it out, but it looks like she had to so her feelings would reach him. "It means I want you, Athrun. Not Athrun Zala, not captain Zala, not the former ZAFT ace pilot, not the war hero. I want just you, Athrun."
Once again, Cagalli tried to remind him that in her eyes, she was just Athrun, the boy that she met on that stranded island. His ranks, medals, achievements, mistakes or shortcomings didn't change the way that she viewed him. For she only saw Athrun as a person who kept trying his best to do the right thing, the Athrun that wanted to move forward, the Athrun that had so much concern for the people he cared about.
Cagalli saw him for what he truly was and wholeheartedly accepted it, which he was incredibly grateful for.
But still...
"Uzumi-san wouldn-" He tried to reason out that her father wouldn't approve of this, but she cut him off.
"Father… father told me when he left me the Akatsuki that he wanted me to be happy." Cagalli gave a sad smile and looked at him earnestly. "Being closer to you and getting to know you in that way would make me really happy."
His eyes widened in surprise with what she said. "Cagalli…" She could have sworn there was a bit of twinkle in his eyes and his mood seemed to lift a bit.
"That's why, don't punish yourself too much." She bent down held him. It was not a comfortable position, but she wanted to give him a hug. "I can somehow tell what's going through your mind right now, but I'm telling you right now that you should push those thoughts away. Don't put yourself down. You're not the horrible person that you think you are. Please." He felt tense at the start, but she felt him relax in her touch.
Usually, he was the one who was giving her comfort through his words and actions but this time, Cagalli wanted to be that source of consolation for him. He was always there for her, showing her affection and declaring that he would wait for her no matter how long it would take. For someone that chose to be by her side unconditionally, she wanted to return the favor to him when she could and be there for him when he was feeling down. It wasn't because she found their relationship transactional, but she genuinely wanted to be a pillar of support for him as well.
When she let go of the hug, Athrun lifted himself up and leaned in to kiss her, to which she obliged. It was a lingering kiss, not like the one that they were having all night. When it was over, he rested his head on hers and with his eyes closed took a breath of relief. She threw her hands around his neck and held him close. He took it further and encircled her with his arms, his hands buried on her shoulders. It was not a comfortable position because he was still kneeling on the ground, but he didn't mind. They stayed like that for a long time.
They pulled away and looked at each other with so much fondness. Both of them smiling at the company of each other. Cagalli was truly his only solace. Even in the depths of the darkness of his own thoughts, she would charge towards it so that she could reach out her hand to him, her form radiant like the sun, shining a light on everywhere she went.
Athrun was truly fortunate to have met Cagalli. He truly loved her so much.
"It's gone." The mood immediately shifted when Cagalli noticed his groin area, the very reason why he wanted to escape from her.
"Ah, you're right." Perhaps it was her soothing him with words of comfort and holding him lovingly made it calm down on its own, which he was very thankful for.
"That's a pity." She remarked in disappointment.
"Sorry about that…" He pouted like he did that time when he gave her the ring and she told him that it was no proper way to give a girl a ring. In the same manner, Cagalli laughed at the silliness of the situation and Athrun could only follow suit.
"Nee-" She started once their fits of quiet laughter was over. "I mean it, I want to do it with you. So can we?"
Athrun's mind started to jumble in a frenzy again. She was saying very dangerously provocative things again. He realized that she was the only one that can comfort him, but that she too was the only one that would be the death of him.
"I… I…" Words were caught in his mouth again as he stuttered. "I'm not prepared tonight… I… We don't have protection…" It was true, as he never planned on ever touching her in that way in the near future, he came unprepared and only brought his self-control that already crumbled. He really wanted to say yes, but he didn't want to risk it, especially since she was such a key person for Orb.
"Ah that!" She clasped her hands as she remembered something important. She moved towards the drawer, opened it and took out several packages of condoms. "It's okay, I have some here."
"Cagalli!" He exclaimed, now unable to contain his shock and disbelief. "You… why do you have those?!"
"Uhm… so Lacus gave this to me… and a lot of other things… She said just in case…" She said sheepishly, not even the least bit embarrassed. Athrun couldn't believe that he was the one being called "shameless" and yet he didn't have the courage to initiate anything like this with her.
"Lacus really…" He sighed. He couldn't believe the two of them were talking about topics like this and that Lacus would actually pretty supportive to give her contraceptives. He could never do this with Kira, he couldn't imagine talking to his best friend about more intimate things about his sister and he didn't want to hear about his ex-fiancée either.
He felt the weight of it all leave his body. It just seems like Cagalli had the answer to everything tonight that eased all of his trepidation. She didn't make him feel ashamed when his body betrayed him. She gave him words of encouragement when his mind was spinning around like a "hamster" as she called it. She reassured him that he makes her happy. She's even came prepared for the very last hurdle that would have stopped him from going further.
"Alright." He finally agreed. He's been wanting to do this with her but didn't know that it would be today. He was happy but was very nervous at the same time.
He lay her gently down the bed and got on top of her again. She lay there comfortably and was looking at him in such a way that he just wanted to kiss her senselessly, but he controlled himself because he wanted to be gentle with her and make it a very special experience for the both of them.
She reached out to touch his cheek to get his attention. "Athrun, what are you thinking about?"
Athrun was surprised at how she was very sharp about sensing what was going through his mind these days. It just seems like she can now tell if something was bothering him and she saw through him if he tried to make silly excuses, like what he did a while ago. That made him extremely happy that the distance between the two of them was closing and that they were able to have a deeper connection than before.
"You're doing it again." She called him out on it again, fiddling with the Haumea stone that slipped from underneath his shirt.
"Ahh, I'm sorry." He apologized because he caught her for the second time. He decided to throw all inhibitions away as he claimed her lips with his. This time, they didn't stop there, they peeled away at their clothes, dropping them carelessly on the floor. With both of them willingly doing this, he let himself be carried away, touching and kissing everything that he possibly could.
Now he would stop thinking and only feel.
He would feel every strand of her hair, every single part of her body that he's never seen before, the sound that she let out when he touched her, the beads of sweat that were building up on her forehead, her smooth lips sucking his neck, the hot breath that tickled him whenever she kissed him, her sloppy fingers helping him put the condom on, the stinging discomfort of her nails when she unintentionally dug it on his bare back, the way she winced uncomfortably when he finally penetrated her and the face full of so much pleasure when all the pain went away when he started moving inside her.
He didn't really need to overthink it after all. He wanted things to be special for their first time and it was. Everything was more than he ever hoped for and he would etch every single moment of this night into his memory.
They never felt as close to each other as they have now. To connect with someone special to you at this level, they never knew that it was such a wonderful thing. It was more than just physical aspect and the bliss that came with all the touches and kisses, it seemed like they also bared their souls to each other with the kind of intimacy of this experience. This was a different kind of communication. It was not just words, but their feelings were doing the talking.
He drew back, taking in the sight of the woman he loved so dearly. Cagalli has eyes like this only for him and he was on cloud nine. He would have the privilege of being the only one at the receiving end of her loving gazes, the only one to see this side of her that she would never show anyone else, the only one to give her this kind of warmth and the only one that could give her love like this. He treasured this chance deeply and would never let it slip away from him.
"I love you, Cagalli. I love you so much." He said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. This wasn't him being carried away by the moment, he wanted to let her know what he truly feels.
Cagalli glanced back with so much tenderness and brushed a few strands of his hair from his face. She wanted to look at him and through him, now her amber eyes met his emerald ones. Her response made Athrun the happiest man in the whole world.
"I love you too, Athrun."
They were absorbed in each other's presence that they didn't think of anything else. Not even their obligations for the next day. They let everything go, only the love they have surrounding them both. With their bodies so close, their hands and hearts intertwined, at that moment, they've become one.
You are inside me, am I inside you?
You are inside me, and I am inside you.
I always feel like while we have dubbed Athrun the horny one because of his shameless delusions in GSF, he would be like a "horny in theory, but never in practice" kind of guy until he finally gets to do it with Cagalli. Once that hurdle is done and over with, he's going to be unstoppable because a switch was flipped HAHAHAH.
Also, to be honest, I've never tried writing AsuCaga smut before. I wrote for another pairing, but not them, idk whyyyy. But one of these days I have finally do it.
