TW for suicidal ideation and self harm.
It felt like a scream, unending, eternal. It felt like rage, a roaring melody in her being that kept swelling until she wanted to devour this world. It felt like a moonless night, darkness pressing in, in, crushing her. Crushing her. It felt like being chained to the bottom of the ocean, that last moment of tortured choking struggle before it all went black - it was that one moment, stretched out to eternity.
Or maybe it was worse. Probably. These were analogies she only thought of looking back.
All she knew was that one, unbearable moment… and then she felt pain.
Pain?
Suddenly she was here, present. She could feel a body, and the strangely physical twinges of it. The darkness enveloping - suddenly it was merely the back of these eyelids; she opened them, she saw…
"Sayaka Miki." Two red eyes, peering down at her. A tail, swishing gently from side to side. Sayaka could only stare. "Do you recognise that name?"
He was sitting on a bed, she noticed. She was lying on the floor. The body twinged again - that pain.
"Hmm. Maybe you don't. This has never happened before, after all." Empty, gazing eyes. "We'll surely be interested to see what will become of you."
She blinked, slowly. When she opened her eyes again, he was gone.
…Kyubey.
Kyubey was gone.
She closed her eyes again, and for one, gracious moment, she slept.
The peace… it felt like dying.
It was wonderful.
"Sayaka!"
Jolted awake. Kyoko's face filled her vision. Her hands, shaking the shoulders - her shoulders. She tensed them; the feeling of moving them, it was familiar. Like flying in a dream.
"…alive? What happened? Wh… where's your soul gem?! Sayaka!"
The panic in her voice, the emotion. It was funny; she'd known emotion; she'd been emotion. The memory of that eternal moment was playing over and over in her head like a song, a screeching.
But it had left her. It had washed over, and left her empty.
"Sayaka!"
She wanted only to sleep again.
Hunger. Pain. She didn't know how long it had been, but it was dark now. These feelings, they were grounding her, slowly. They were reminding her of this body, of her body.
Sayaka.
She traced her fingers across the wooden floor, and felt the cold.
I guess I just don't care anymore. I can't remember what I thought was so important. What was worth protecting, you know?
She moved, and felt the ache in her joints. The pain.
Balance means good and bad have to zero themselves out, right? That's what you said… or something like it. I think I understand what you mean, now.
The hunger. The gnawing hunger. The pressure, welling up in her chest.
I was stupid. So stupid.
Sayaka's vision went blurry, and she cried. She just cried, and cried, and cried… she felt herself do this.
Like she wasn't even there. Like it was someone else crying. Something was wrong, deeply wrong, but it was a passive thought. An observation. The only thing she really felt was pain.
She tried to focus on that.
Keys, jangling. A door, thrust open, and then slam. Footsteps, one, two, three, four.
"You still lying there, huh."
A bag rustled. An apple, crunch.
"You're the luckiest girl in the whole damn world, Sayaka Miki. And your friend? The dumbest." More footsteps. A shadow fell over Sayaka, blocking out the light overhead. "Madoka told me what happened. What she did - what you are now."
Sayaka felt a nudge. Then again, harder.
"Well? You wanna know or, or…" The words trailed off. "You're a human again. Madoka, she traded her soul for yours. Kyubey told me no one's ever gotten out of a contract in history, 'cept for you…a-and what, you're just gonna lie there! Say something, dammit!"
She felt a hand on her shoulder, a wrench upwards. Kyoko's face was so close, she could feel the breath.
"Sit up. Sit up! Argh, this is pissing me off." She looked away, and then back, and then sighed. "Look. Your friend made a real sacrifice for you… and yeah, it was stupid as hell. You and I both know where those kinds of wishes end up… but I'm not letting her see you like this, understand? She trades her soul a-and all she gets is some mopey, uh - ugh, sit up! - and it's not right, okay! It's not… It's…"
Another glance away. Sayaka noticed the tension in her jaw.]
"Listen, I told her you're fine but you need a few days alone, so you gotta get it together, kid. Don't you make a liar out of me, okay?"
The back of the bed was hard against her back. She felt herself getting shaken.
"I said, okay? Gah, do you… do you even understand what I'm saying?" A pause. "No… no, I get it. This is payback, isn't it? You're still mad at me… Well, fine." A rustle, rustle. "You don't have to talk, but you're gonna eat."
It felt smooth against her cheek, the apple. Cold.
"I said, you're gonna eat."
Sayaka felt herself sliding down, down. She was on the floor again, and it was cold.
"Sayaka… argh, just let someone help you! Eat! Eat! Dammit, just take it!"
Then it struck her. Like a bolt of lightning, a flash of colour, a breath of fresh air above the waves - pain! The feeling exploded out from her nose, flooded into her empty soul, and suddenly she was sitting up, holding it. Feeling the wetness, the warmth on her fingers - she pulled away and saw blood, saw through it Kyoko's horrified expression as her face split wide into a smile.
The apple rolled away, and Sayaka laughed. She squished her hands into her nose and laughed and dug her nails into her cheeks and laughed and hummed and laughed and screamed.
It tasted like blood. She couldn't help but wince as she took a little bite - wince, and smile. Her body was sinking into the mattress, and a little light from the moon fell across her chest. She put a hand there, and saw how her skin caught the glow. She looked like a ghost.
A ghost, and in the corner, someone was watching. Sayaka lifted her head a little, but as quickly as the figure appeared, it was gone.
She took another bite.
