It was raining. People walked past with umbrellas, but Sayaka hardly noticed the water falling softly on her head and shoulders, pooling in a puddle under her feet. She stood on the other side of the street, cars passing by, staring up at an apartment building.
Staring at a door on the second floor, covered in police tape. Sayaka stayed at that for a while… and then sighed.
Turned, and walked away.
Evening. Sayaka had been sitting here a while, on a low fountain wall. It was still raining a little, but the clouds were slowly clearing. The streetlights had switched on at some point; soon after that came the windows of the apartment building she was staring at, one by one, some not at all.
Sayaka stared at the window of her old bedroom, the darkness. She wondered what it looked like, her bed, her desk, the stuffed animals she kept on her shelf. Did they pack them up? Or was it still too soon… did they sit there, frozen in time, waiting for a ghost?
With gritted teeth, she looked away. She wasn't ready for this; she could feel it.
"Sorry, Mom," she rose to her feet. "Sorry, Dad."
She started to walk away, but something caught her eye as she turned. Just for a second; it was gone when she looked back.
Sayaka narrowed her eyes, and after a moment, she turned, and walked away. It was strange; just a few weeks ago, and the thought of being followed would've really freaked her out. Now she only wondered who it was; Kyubey, Homura, or…?
Well, it didn't matter. They could follow all they liked, she didn't care.
She passed under a streetlight, illuminating her in ghostly white light. Then she faded into the shadows.
"S-Sayaka?"
"Hey." Sayaka watched Madoka walk out from the side of the house rather than the front, and felt herself quirk an eyebrow. "I never thought I'd see the day Madoka Kaname was sneaking out late!"
"Hah, uh…" Madoka glanced back at her house, and then hurried to the road. She shot Sayaka a nervous grin. "S-sorry, uh, this part's still new. I didn't know you'd be waiting for me."
"I told you I'd be here for you, didn't I?"
"You did." Her smile warmed. "Thanks, Sayaka… hah, this feels like, like old times, right?"
Sayaka watched her touch her ring. With a glowing pink light, her soul gem materialised in her hands. "Yeah," she breathed. "Old times."
It hit Sayaka, there; she was looking at her friend. She was looking at her friend, at the little, egg-shaped capsule that lit up the hands that cupped it. That was Madoka now, and the shining eyes glancing up at her, the nervous smile playing on the face she knew so well… was nothing but external hardware.
Sayaka's own smile sharpened, and her hand drifted up to her chest. "So," she said, and cleared her throat. "It's, uh, your show now, Madoka. Where we off to?"
Madoka blushed, and then looked down at her soul gem. Although it wasn't blinking yet, she sort of turned one way, and then the other, and then settled on a direction.
"There's one this way," she said, and then looked back at Sayaka. Offered her hand. "We'll do this together, right?"
"That's… what I came for, yeah." Sayaka clasped her hand a little hard. "Alright. Let's go find that witch."
And they walked, down dark streets glinting with light. The rain had passed some time ago, but the smell of it was in the air, the humidity sticking a little under Sayaka's shirt. It was the first time she noticed how dirty her clothes were - she had died in them, hadn't she. The thought twisted her smile a little, and she felt a squeeze on her hand.
"Kyubey's not here," Madoka said, and she looked over sharply.
"What? You want him?"
"O-oh, no, no! Just… he followed me the first few days."
"Ah. So you did have company, huh? What'd'you need me for?"
She gave a laugh, and Madoka joined in a little. "Yeah… it's weird. I-I thought he was our friend, you know? And I know, I know he's not, now, but… Hah, it's silly."
"What, so you let him tag along?" Sayaka looked away. "You just can't be mean to anyone, can you, Madoka?"
"Yeah, I, I guess… well, he just shows up, you know? And he acts like nothing's wrong, so I guess I- oh!"
A flash from Madoka's soul gem. Sayaka looked at it, and then scanned the street.
"Guess we're getting close," she said. Madoka nodded. "Talk later, huh? Let's keep an eye out."
They walked slower now, her gaze sweeping the rooftops above them. Sayaka thought she saw a figure for a moment, but it was gone again.
"This way," Madoka said, and tugged her towards an alleyway. It was dark down there; dark, and as they descended a couple steps, thick with a strangely sweet smell. Like candy, Sayaka thought at first, but the sweetness was turning sickly, the ground was sticking under her feet, and suddenly-
"Augh," Sayaka couldn't help but gag. "Smells like something died down here."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah…" she waved away a fly. "Let's beat this thing quick, alright?"
Madoka made a strange face at that, but there was a deep, low moan that rippled up from the ground. The walls all around them seemed to move like bodies, seemed to close up the sky above and slough off onto the ground, thick blood oozing from the brickwork. Sayaka saw the walls closing in, and nudged Madoka.
"Uh, time to do your thing." That low moan again, and something slopped onto the ground. "Madoka. Wh- what are you doing?"
Madoka - she'd let go of Sayaka's hand. Sayaka saw her glance back quickly, and then approach a dark figure picking itself up from the ground.
"Hey," she said, gently. The figure reached rotting fingers for her, and she stepped back a little but kept going. "It's okay now. Can you hear me?"
"Madoka…?" Sayaka blinked, and then grit her teeth. "Stop messing around! Kill it!"
"It's okay, Sayaka!" She turned back. "I just want to-"
The witch grabbed her, and Sayaka gasped - she tried to run over but she stumbled in the thick blood and skin. Sayaka saw a flash of pink light; Madoka ripped her arm away from the witch, drew a bow, notched an arrow of pure energy, and fired.
The explosion was blinding. By the time Sayaka could open her eyes again, the labyrinth had faded back to a quiet alleyway, a small floodlight shining over them. She was lying on the hard pavement, and a hand reached down to her.
"Are you okay?"
Her heart was thudding in her chest. Her hands clenched into fists.
"Heh, I'm sorry, I didn't tell you how I fight… Sayaka?"
A light noise. A small, black shape landed on the concrete behind them, bounced once, and then righted itself atop a long point. Sayaka stared at the hand for a second more, and then pushed herself to her feet.
"I'd have been fine," she started, quietly. "with however you wanted to fight… but you didn't fight at all, did you? What the hell was that?"
"Sayaka-"
"You think this is a game? You gotta toughen up, Madoka, before something kills you!" She noticed Madoka flinch, and frowned. Turned away. "Sorry. But I'm being serious, okay? You can't walk around thinking you can make friends with witches!"
"What about you?"
Sayaka froze at that. "That's different," she said, and kept walking forwards. "You made a wish for me. But these…"
She stopped in front of the grief seed, casting a dark shadow over it. She leaned down, and, ignoring Madoka's little noise of protest, picked it up, held it in her palm for a moment.
It felt sharp, and she expected that. It also felt heavier than it should, and strangely cold. When she stared down at it, she could feel things… she could feel rage, hatred… a deep, deep sadness that was numbing. She felt it coming from the grief seed, flowing through her soul like a bitter wind… yet she could feel them echoing within herself, too.
"Sayaka?"
She clenched her jaw. She didn't want to look back at Madoka when she heard her step forwards.
"You can't help them, Madoka. They're not people anymore; there's nothing to be helped. All you can do for them is," she took a breath, "get it over with."
"I think you're wrong."
Sayaka blinked. Then she frowned.
"I think they are still people in there," Madoka said. When Sayaka turned, she was holding her soul gem to her chest, a warm pink light emanating into the alleyway. "They have to be, right? If I got you out."
"But-"
"I know, it's different." She laughed, a little sadly. "And Kyubey says I'm wasting my time too, but I… I can't just give up on them. Not after what I know now; that they're like us. And they're hurt, and scared, and-"
Sayaka grit her teeth, clutched the grief seed to her chest. "So? You can't fix them!"
"Maybe not." Madoka paused, and gave a little smile. "But I'm going to try. I'm going to try every time. And even if I can't bring them back… at least the last thing that happens to them isn't just a horrible fight, right? That has to mean something."
Her words… Sayaka didn't know why they made her feel so angry. She opened her mouth, and found herself holding back from screaming something, from telling her how fucking stupid she sounded, how it was lucky she was powerful enough to afford being this naive, how nothing mattered and nothing she ever did was going to matter and she wasn't as good as she thought she was she should just shut up shut up SHUT UP…
…
A pause.
A breath.
When did she start sounding like this?
"Sayaka?"
She blinked, and realised she'd been staring right at Madoka for a while. Glaring right at Madoka, and she could see her smile had faded, and the hope in her eyes had changed into a bright, worried shine. She'd taken a step back, too; a step back from her, and Sayaka was suddenly all too conscious of how she looked, standing in the shadows of an alleyway, hunched up like a cornered animal.
"Uh-" she started, and cleared her throat. Straightened up, and plastered on a smile. "Y… Yeah, yeah! That sounds real nice, Madoka, reeeeal nice…"
Why was she coming off so sarcastic? She took a step forwards, and she could see Madoka struggling not to back up. The smile on her face had never felt so fake, and for the first time, it seemed like Madoka could see right through it.
"...Well, uh-" Heart pounding, Sayaka held up the grief seed. "I picked this up for you, so it's, it's all yours! Um, here!" She tossed it. "There you go! On to the next witch, right? Haha, uh-!"
"Sayaka?"
Her voice, quiet, and careful. Sayaka tensed as she continued.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine, I'm…" she swallowed as Madoka took a step forward. "Totally fine! I just, you know, wanted to tell you how I used to fight witches, right? B-but if you don't wanna do it my way, i-it's your show, it's… yeah!"
"Your shirt," Madoka said, and reached out, felt the creases. Sayaka couldn't meet her eyes.
"Oh, you know, all my stuff's with my parents, so I'll-" she drew back a bit. "It'll be fine. Everything's fine!"
"That's not fine!" Madoka frowned. "I'll get you some of my clothes when we go back home, okay?" A pause. "Okay? Sayak-"
"I heard you. Fine, if that's what you-" Sayaka stopped herself. "I mean… thank you. Madoka. You've… you've done a lot for me."
Sayaka looked into those eyes, shining again with a bit of hope; that smile, that had crept cautiously back to her face. And she gritted her teeth, because she still wanted to fucking drown it. Some friend she was, huh.
She turned away.
"Anyway. Let's go. Lead the way."
They kept going, Sayaka trailing behind Madoka, the pink glow leading them into the darkness. They found a familiar, curled up under an overpass. They found a witch, huddled in a house with broken windows. They found a witch again, sinking into the river.
And every time, Sayaka watched her talk to them. She'd kneel down next to horrifying beings that languished in bizarre labyrinths, things that snarled and oozed, wailed and laughed, took forms devoid of any former humanity… and she'd talk to them.
Talk in soft, gentle tones. Sit there with them, for a while. Sometimes it almost seemed like it was working; Sayaka could feel the labyrinth go still, could see the horrors recede a little, like the whole place was taking a deep, shuddering breath…
And then they struck out, and she'd put them to rest with one clean shot.
And Sayaka… she'd smile a little at that.
It was messed up, wasn't it.
The cynical relief she felt every time Madoka failed. I told you so, said that part of her as Madoka picked up a grief seed. I told you they couldn't be helped.
Trailing behind a glowing light, Sayaka thought about part of herself. Thought about the hate, the anger, the way the hope in Madoka's eyes felt like a knife through her soul, like an insult, like a lie. What the fuck was there to be hopeful about, right? The world was terrible, and the people in it were terrible too - even Sayaka. Even Madoka!
Sayaka glared at the back of her head now, and she just knew there was darkness in there. She thinks she's so good and moral now, but one day, she'll find out how much of a monster she is, she will.
…
A wry smile.
Or… maybe she won't. Maybe she really is a nice person, all the way through.
Maybe everyone's just been trying to help this whole time… and the only monster was Sayaka, trying to drag them down to her level.
I guess I wanted to hurt your feelings.
Her own words echoed back to her, and she sighed. Maybe it was easier to pretend nobody cared. And she got so good at pretending, she thought for a while she believed it.
But Kyoko did care, didn't she. She cared a lot, and after everything she did for her, Sayaka threw it all in her face.
She thought of that crushed look in Kyoko's eyes as she backed her into the door, and the rush of hot shame to her cheeks, the deep, sinking feeling in her chest… wouldn't it be nice, to pretend Kyoko deserved that.
Because she'd rather feel anything other than this.
"…right, Sayaka?"
Sayaka didn't realise Madoka was talking until she heard her name. She looked up.
"What's that?"
"That wasn't so bad, right?" Madoka smiled at her, her face lit from her soul gem's steady glow. "It was nice, to do this with you. Thanks for coming with me."
"Huh?" Sayaka blinked. "Oh… uh, no problem. It's, what you did for me, right?"
They were coming up on Madoka's street; Sayaka could recognise it, now. Madoka fell back a bit, until she was walking in step with her now. She reached out, took Sayaka's hand, squeezed it.
"I'm really glad you came," Madoka said again, quieter. Sayaka grit her teeth.
"Hah, well, I wasn't much help, was I?"
"You were. More than you know."
Her voice was quiet, there, like a whisper. Sayaka looked over at her, and saw her staring down at the ground.
"You know," Madoka started, and smiled. "Before now, before I saw you again… I-I did have second thoughts. About being a magical girl. But I'm with you, and… then I know." She looked back at Sayaka. "I know I made the right choice."
Sayaka felt a shiver go down her spine. Almost before she could think, she spoke:
"Even if you'll become a witch?"
Madoka's smile dimmed at that, and she thought she'd made a mistake… but then she nodded.
"Yes. I'd do it again, every time." She squeezed Sayaka's hand again. "I just wanted to have you back… and here you are. And we're not witches right now, are we?"
Almost unconsciously, Sayaka's hand crept up to her chest. "We're not," she breathed. "We're not."
"Then I don't regret a thing. Really." Madoka looked back to the path with a gentle smile. "However long I've got, I'm gonna spend it saving people, and I'm gonna spend it with the people I care about, like you. And that won't be so bad, I think."
There was a lump in Sayaka's throat. She didn't know what to say as they made their way to her house.
"Here we are," Madoka said- and then froze. "Oh, no."
The calm had gone right out of her voice, and Sayaka looked over. "What? What's wrong?"
"M-my parents!" She pointed at her house, lit up completely. Two figures were waiting in the living room, and Madoka ducked back behind the wall. "Oh no, they must know I snuck out! They're gonna be so mad at me… What am I gonna do?!"
Sayaka looked down at her… and wow, in all this craziness, suddenly she was worried about getting told off by her parents. She cracked a smile.
"Madoka Kaname, getting in trouble with her parents." Sayaka gave her a gentle push, and saw her face redden. "Hey, I've seen you take on a witch. You got this."
"A witch is one thing! Wh-what am I gonna say to my mom?"
"Hey, it's, it's okay, Madoka! She loves you. She's just gonna be happy you're back, alright?"
"Really?"
"Welllll… she's probably gonna yell at you too. And she is pretty scary. But," she reached down a hand. "you got this, really. Come on, you gotta go home sometime."
Madoka looked up at her with wide eyes, and then took her hand. Sayaka grinned, pulled her up, and wrapped her in a tight hug.
"You're amazing, Madoka," she whispered, and then laughed a little. "I'll see you in seven years when you get ungrounded, alright?"
"Hah, I really hope she doesn't, doesn't do that…" Madoka gripped her shirt a little, and gasped. "Oh no! I was gonna get you clothes, I-!"
"Don't worry about me." Sayaka pulled back. "I'm… I'm going back to Kyoko's. I'm sure she'll have something for me."
"Okay…" Madoka glanced at her house, and back to Sayaka. "I'll see you soon, okay? As soon as I can."
"I know you will." She smiled. "Bye, Madoka."
Madoka waved, and Sayaka stood just behind the wall, watching as she walked up to the house. Her parents clearly saw her before she came in; one figure tapped the other, and they both shot to their feet as she opened the door.
Sayaka watched the way they all went still for a moment. Madoka stood there, stock still, and she seemed to say something before her parents rushed over and wrapped her up in a big embrace… she watched, and felt her throat tighten. Then she turned away.
Turned away, and started walking into the darkness. No light to guide her way, but for the first time in an eternity, she finally knew where she was going.
She touched her chest. It was funny, she could still hear that melody playing in her head. She still felt so angry inside, and she wondered if that would ever fade. She still remembered the feeling of that grief seed in her hands, how little difference there was between a witch's mind and her own.
But… Madoka was right, wasn't she?
She wasn't a witch anymore. She felt those things, but she also smiled when Madoka needed to talk to her parents, and she hugged her. She felt that hot sting of shame when she remembered what she'd said to Kyoko - and she could think about it, could know what she had to do.
Coming into the light of a busy street, she could see Kyoko's hotel looming overhead. Her breath caught a little, but she pressed on.
She wasn't a witch anymore. She could know better, do better… and maybe she wanted to.
She stood in front of the hotel lobby, her heart hammering in her chest.
Well.
This was it, wasn't it?
She just hoped Kyoko wouldn't spear her through the chest before she… before…
Red eyes. Glowing at her from across the street, and Sayaka didn't know why they put such a pit in her stomach. A car passed by and Kyubey was gone, but the feeling remained. Sayaka glanced back at the door, and rather quickly she pushed it open, crossed the lobby, pressed a button for the elevator.
It took a while, and Sayaka noticed no one was at the desk. Well, it was some stupid hour in the morning. She got in the elevator when it arrived, pressed a button, and tapped her arm a little as the doors closed. The lights flicked for a second, and then they started to go up.
Up. Up. There was usually elevator music, she thought, but today it was dead silent.
Ding.
The doors opened, and something was wrong. Sayaka felt it in her stomach, but at first she couldn't quite tell what was different; it looked much the same hallway, but after a moment she noticed it was… hazier, somehow, like there was a light fog in the air. And strangely warm. And a weird, harsh smell in her nose, like… smoke.
Smoke.
Sayaka looked down the hall, and saw it billowing out of the top of Kyoko's door, getting darker. She blinked.
"Kyoko," she breathed, then: "KYOKO!"
Sayaka ran for the door, pulling a fire alarm on the way - nothing sounded, but she hardly noticed. She grabbed the handle and it burned as she threw it open; a wave of hot darkness enveloped her like dragon's breath, and she coughed as she fought her way inside.
It felt like something was pushing back, but she forced herself forwards. She felt the counter, and then her foot slipped on something, and she fell-
Into a bag of rotting apples. They squished to catch her fall, and the mould and sliming flesh grabbed her like hands, pulled her down. She struggled, she cried out - but it was dead, dead silent. It was like her words vanished from her mouth, her screams strangled in her throat, like no one was ever going to hear her again and she was going to die alone…
And that's where Sayaka found her. Lying still, her clothes spread wide, bearing her up as she floated in the festering slurry, incapable of her own distress.
Kyoko.
Sayaka screamed her name, but nothing, nothing sounded. As she watched, Kyoko's hoodie darkened with fluid, and began to sink her under; white hot fear shot through Sayaka, and she lunged forwards, grabbed her torso, held her close.
She was limp. The room was heating up, but she was so, so cold. Sayaka shook her head. No, she must've said, but she couldn't cut through the silence. No, no, NO!
It was getting hotter. There was a glow from above them, roasting her skin. She coughed from the smoke, and looked up, and saw fire enveloping them on all sides. From the darkness, a figure emerged, riding tall on a horse of ash and soot. A robed figure, with a candle for a head, leading an army of faceless minions, and Sayaka knew exactly what she was.
She looked down at Kyoko's body, still and cold, and her face crumpled. She buried her head in her hair and grit her teeth and grabbed fistfuls of her hoodie. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, she tried to say, and the smoke ate her words.
She coughed again, and could feel herself fading, sinking. The heat was searing now, and she couldn't see a thing when she opened her eyes. All she had was Kyoko, sinking together with her, and a part of her decided she was okay with this.
Maybe this could be her apology.
She rested her head against Kyoko's chest, and felt the rot climb to their necks. She was so, so tired.
So tired, she barely registered a hand that reached down and grabbed her shoulder.
And stop.
