The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean paid tribute to the late James Earl Jones by reviewing the Jack Ryan movie Clear and Present Danger. Today, Sean is going back to the year 1987 to take a look at the comedy Dragnet. Does the film still hold up as one of the best movie adaptations of all time and one of the funniest? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax and enjoy the new hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.

P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Dragnet is owned by Universal Pictures.

Episode 218

Dragnet

The review opens with a shot of Cincinnati, Ohio, as we start off with some Jazz-style music followed by shots of the city a la Dragnet the television show. Then we get a narration by Sean, a la Jack Webb.

Sean: (Narrating in his Joe Friday voice) This is the city: Cincinnati, Ohio. A lot of people earn a living here and there are a lot of ways to do it. Some of 'em have jobs that weren't even thought of, some of 'em work in the cleanest places on Earth, and a few don't. They all have one thing in common: it takes a day's work to get a day's pay. Not everybody buys the idea. There are a lot of ways around it. When somebody tries to shortcut with a bad movie, then it becomes my job. That's where I come in, trying to do my job to the best of my ability on a daily basis. I work here, I review movies.

(We open with a shot of a police badge as "Danger Ahead" by Walter Schumann plays in the background)

Corey Burton: (V/O as Narrator) The story that you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. But the guy is just a movie reviewer who rips bad movies a new one, and he's not a detective. And I can't believe that we're doing a parody of an old TV show from the 50s that started off as a radio series back in the 1940s. And I can't believe that he hired me to do the narration for the review. He better be paying me for this.

(We see the title "Mayhem Critic 2024" shown on the screen as the "Dragnet March" plays in the background. After the intro ends, we open with an exterior shot of Sean's house, we see Sean in his house, starting his day off as usual as he fixes himself a cup of coffee while Taylor fixes him some breakfast. He gives her a kiss before he leaves the kitchen. All throughout the review, Sean's voice is heard talking as Jack Webb's Joe Friday, and will do so for the rest of this review)

Sean: (V/O) It was Thursday, 8:30 AM. A warm day in Cincinnati, partly cloudy with 90 degree temperature that's hot as hell. I was working on a new review in my office when I first started the show seven years ago. Many aspects of the movie critic's routine have changed since Siskel & Ebert passed away, with new philosophies and new equipment and an edge. The standard movie review has been replaced with people ranting about a bad movie, but there's one thing that never changes, the face of bad movies, it just gets bigger and badder and uglier every day. I don't have a partner, my girlfriend is Taylor Addison, my name's Archer. I guess I should talk about the topic of today: movie adaptations.

(Cut to a montage of movie adaptations of TV shows)

Sean: (Narrating) Over the years, we have seen some movie adaptations based on TV shows. Some were the best and some were the worst. We had a bunch of Star Trek film adaptations that were pretty good, then you have the Mission: Impossible movies that were also good as well. And let's not forget 1993's The Fugitive and 1987's The Untouchables 2010's The A-Team, that one was alright. But then, you have the worst of the bunch with films like 2017's Baywatch and CHiPs, that they made them into bad action-comedies. Remind me to punch Dax Shepard in the face for that movie. Asshole. Just imagine if they made a comedic version of Hunter with Chris Pine as Frank Hunter and Scarlett Johansson as Dee Dee McCall. Okay, that would be pretty awesome. And speaking of good movie adaptations, you have 21 Jump Street and it's sequel 22 Jump Street, those two were based on a serious cop show and they made it into a comedy, that one was pretty good and we loved it.

Sean: (V/O) But then there is another good movie adaptation that flew right under the radar, and that movie is 1987's Dragnet.

(The title screen for the movie "Dragnet" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "City of Crime" performed by Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks featuring Glenn Hughes and Pat Thrall plays in the background)

Sean: (Narrating) Yes, this is one of the great ones right here and a comedic classic. Dragnet was released in theaters on June 26, 1987 and it was a parody and homage to the long-running television series and it was based on the radio and television crime series drama of the same name. If you haven't heard of Dragnet, let me give you a little history on the show. It first started off as a radio drama on NBC back in 1949 before transitioning to television. The show was created by actor and producer Jack Webb, who also plays LAPD detective Joe Friday. The show deals with Detective Friday and his partners as they conduct by-the-book police work and solve crimes. The movie was written by Dan Aykroyd and Alan Zwiebel, who had worked together during Aykroyd's time on Saturday Night Live. Hell, Aykroyd did star as Friday in a parody of Dragnet on SNL. This movie also marked the directorial debut of Tom Mankiewicz, who was best known for his work on the James Bond movies and the Superman movies. Originally, First Blood director Ted Kotcheff was supposed to direct the movie, but turned it down because he didn't like the draft that Aykroyd, Mankiewicz and Zwiebel wrote, so Frank Price who was the president of Universal Pictures and known for the disastrous film known as Howard the Duck, suggested that Mankiewicz direct the movie himself. After the movie was released, it performed well at the box office and it received favorable reviews, mostly from Siskel & Ebert who praised the film, including Aykroyd's performance. Does this movie still hold up well? Or does it deserve to be locked up for being a bad movie?

Sean: (V/O) How long am I going to be talking like this? Who knows? Let's just get this review started. This is Dragnet.

(The movie opens with shots of Los Angeles)

Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins as we open with shots of Los Angeles, then we get some narration from Detective Sergeant Joe Friday, played by Dan Aykroyd. And I have to say that this is a great start to the film, it starts off like the television series with Jack Webb's narration. Only this time, you have Dan Aykroyd doing the narration.

Friday (Played by Dan Aykroyd): (Narrating) This is the city. Los Angeles, California. 465 square miles of constantly interfacing humanity, representing every race, color, creed and persuasion... that God, no matter how he is worshipped, chose in his infinite wisdom to deposit here, in the cultural nexus of the Pacific Rim.

Sean: (V/O) It makes it feel like you're watching the television show. Great start.

Friday: (Narrating) Because even in the City of Angels, from time to time, some halos slip. That's where I come in, doing my job to the best of my ability on a daily basis. I work here. I carry a badge.

(The "Dragnet" theme starts playing)

Sean: (Narrating) We get composer Ira Newborn's rendition of the "Dragnet" theme as the opening credits play and...

(Cut to a shot of a police badge and the title "Dragnet" is shown)

Man: Dragnet.

(The "Dragnet" theme by Art of Noise plays during the opening credits)

Sean: (Narrating) Suddenly, we get an updated rendition of the Dragnet Theme by British electronic pop group Art of Noise and I have to say, that I really enjoyed this rendition of the theme. That's why I keep watching this movie over and over and over again just to listen to the version. And Roger Ebert didn't care for this version of the theme. For me, I just love the added sound bites to the theme.

(The theme plays as we hear the added sound bites like "Their job", "To enforce the laws", "Just the facts, ma'am", "My name's Friday" and "Police officers, ma'am")

Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits and that kick-ass theme, we get some narration done by Bill Wittman.

Narrator (Voiced by Bill Wittman): Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example, George Baker is now called 'Sylvia Wiss".

Sean: (V/O) Who the hell is George Baker? And why is he now a woman? Oh, wait. This movie is a parody, so yeah. This is just a joke.

Sean: (Narrating) We see a group of firefighters that have arrived at Caesar Publishing INC., a publishing company that publishes pornographic magazines. Huh, that's weird. Firefighters at a pornographic magazine publishing company, but yet there's no fire. Actually, this is a bizarre theft by a cult group known as P.A.G.A.N., and what is it that they're stealing? Pornographic magazines, for some odd reason.

Night Watchman (Played by Bert Hinchman): Hey! Who called the fire department? What the hell is going on here? (Approaches the big hulking guy named Emil Muzz, who's disguised as a fire chief) Hey, chief, where's the fire?

(Muzz pulls out a molotov cocktail from out of his jacket and lights it up and throws it at the box of Bait Magazines to set them on fire. The night watchman sees this with a shocked look on his face and Muzz picks him up)

Emil Muzz (Played by Jack O'Halloran): You see the fire?!

Night Watchman: (Straining) I see the fire. I see the fire.

Emil Muzz: Good.

Sean: (V/O) It's nice to see that Non from Superman is speaking plain English instead of grunts.

(A picture of Jack O'Halloran as Non from Superman II is shown)

Sean: (Narrating) This scary looking guy named Emil Muzz, played by Jack O'Halloran, knocks out the guard with the world's deadliest Vulcan nerve pinch and places his P.A.G.A.N. business card on his unconscious body. We then cut to the next day as we see Friday starting his day as usual while he waits for his partner to show up. Also, I would just like to point out that Dan Aykroyd's Joe Friday is the nephew and namesake of Jack Webb's Joe Friday. Also, I love how they have a picture of Jack Webb on his desk as a little tribute to the late actor. It's a nice touch. His boss Captain Bill Gannon, played by Harry Morgan, who was one of the originalFriday's old partners from the show, tells him that his partner Frank Smith won't be showing up for work.

Gannon (Played by Harry Morgan): Frank won't be coming in today, Joe.

Friday: Twenty-four-hour virus?

Gannon: Or tomorrow.

Friday: Forty-eight?

Gannon: Frank quit. Bought a goat farm. Moved to Ukiah. Left you this note. (Gives Frank's note to Friday) He was too broken up to talk about it. Said he knew you'd understand.

Friday: Every man has a dream to chase. Frank's was that goat farm.

Sean: (V/O as he rolls his eyes) Really? A goat farm? What kind of dream was that? No, a pizza place where you make your own pizza is a dream that a person should follow. This guy just wanted to get the hell away from Friday.

Friday: Sure, Captain. I understand. But tell me something.

Gannon: Yeah?

Friday: Those 3.6 million citizens out there, the ones who expected him to be on the job this morning, will they understand?

(Gannon looks at Friday. Friday shakes his head "no" as Gannon rolls his eyes)

Friday (Narrating) 8:47 AM. Captain Gannon had assigned me to investigate the so-called P.A.G.A.N. robberies, a pattern of serial crimes which had occurred throughout the city. They'd seem merely irritating at first but were quickly gaining notoriety through their growing frequency and naked brazenness. I was to contact my new partner at the Central Receiving lot. A less experienced peace officer might have been concerned he was getting potluck, but I knew that any detective the department had to offer me was automatically worthy of my respect.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday meets his new partner Pep Streebek, played by Tom Hanks, whos'sa cocky, streetwise cop and immediately he disapproves of his appearance.

Friday: (On Streebek's appearance) There's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-..80. It specifies clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them.

Sean: (V/O) And he's a bit of a stickler for the rules. Oh, brother.

Streebek (Played by Tom Hanks): You know, Friday, we're allowed to go 55. On some occasions, even faster.

Friday: I'm well aware of the federally mandated speed limit, did it ever occur to you that by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gasoline and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers out there who pay our salaries?

Streebek: Friday, a little extra gas isn't gonna put the city in hock. Besides, this looks bad. Come on. Live a little. It's the vertical pedal on the right there.

Sean: (V/O as Angry Driver) KUMQUAT!

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek arrive at the Griffith Park Zoo where they see that the P.A.G.A.N. cult has stolen a giant anaconda, a Madagascar fruit tree bat and they even mages cut off a lion's mane and give him a Mohawk. Poor Simba.

Friday: Somebody must have wanted that lion's mane pretty bad to pull a twisted stunt like that.

Streebek: Although, as Mohawks go, it's not that bad. It'll grow back.

Friday: Yeah, how do you tell that to these kids here who have never seen a lion before and now probably won't have the desire to ever see one again.

Streebek: (To the children) Kids, it'll grow back.

Children: (Cheering) YAY!

Sean: (V/O) Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure that Simba's mane will grow back. Now he's gonna look like Hawk from Cobra Kai for the rest of his life.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek drive down to Bel-Air and the mansion of softcore porn king Jerry Caesar. And you know that this is a PG-13 rated comedy from the 80s when someone says a line like this.

Woman: (On speaker) Oh, thank God. Vibrator repair?

Friday: No, ma'am. Los Angeles Police Department. Sorry.

Sean: (V/O) Hmm, I wonder why she was waiting for vibrator repair. I'm not gonna say it. This is a family show.

Sean: (Narrating) They meet porno king Jerry Caesar, played by the late Dabney Coleman, who is hilarious in the movie. He plays this Hugh Heffner-type character and Bait Magazine is a parody of Playboy Magazine. And when I said that Dabney Coleman is hilarious in the movie, his character has a lisp when he speaks.

Friday: Could you please describe what's missing?

Jerry Caesar (Played by Dabney Coleman): (Speaks with a lisp) Well, how about the entire run? That's every single copy of our 25th anniversary double issue of Bait.

Friday: Bait.

Streebek: Yeah, that's his skin magazine.

Jerry Caesar: You say. The intelligent subscriber regards it as a politically oriented, socially impacting monthly. I'm not going to allow a gang of cement heads to intimidate me just because I refuse to publish their stupid manifesto.

Friday: Would you care to tell us a little bit about that?

Jerry Caesar: Well- - Well, here. Read it for yourself.

(Caesar tosses the P.A.G.A.N. manifesto over to Friday and Streebek. Streebek catches it)

Streebek: "Manifesto of the International Brotherhood of P.A.G.A.N. We believe that bad sex and good drugs are the cornerstones of a great democracy. The peak of pornography-"

Friday: I think we get the general idea, Streebek.

Sean: (V/O) So, this P.A.G.A.N. cult doesn't like pornography? Come on, everybody loves pornography. They have some of the hottest stuff. Hell, lebian porn and Brazzers porn alongside Reality Kings is my favorite. Why did I just say that? They're good wanking material for our naughty fantasies.

Jerry Caesar: Well, I tell you what to do, Friday, before you go home and start polishing your pennies. Why don't you go out there and get my magazines back on the stand where they belong?

Friday: Listen, hotshot, I'm gonna tell you something right now. I don't care for you or the putrid sludge you're trowlingout, but until they change the laws to put you sleaze kings out of business, my job's to help you get back your stench-ridden boxes of smut. And since I'm going to be doing it holding my nose, I'll be doing it with one hand.

Sean: (V/O with a disgusted look on his face) God, I hope he wasn't talking about masturbation.

Sylvia Wiss (Played by Julia Jennings): Excuse me. Jerry, it's time for your collagen treatment. And don't forget, you're having your pores sucked at 3:00.

(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)

Yakko Warner (Voiced by Rob Paulsen): Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!

Sean: (Narrating) And since this is Bait Magazine's 25th anniversary, for the party, Caesar is reuniting all of his former Baitmates, including the aforementioned Sylvia Wiss, played by Julia Jennings respectively. Plus, she puts the moves on Friday.

Sylvia Wiss: Sergeant, if I asked your honest opinion about something, would I get it?

Streebek: You can bet the house on it.

(Sylvia reveals her breasts to Friday)

Sylvia Wiss: Would you say that these look like the breasts of a 43-year-old woman?

(Friday's eyes widened in surprise and Streebek watches as Sylvia makes sexual advances towards Friday)

Friday: No. No, they don't, Miss Wiss. They're quite impressive, bordering on spectacular. We have to be running along now.

Sylvia Wiss: What's your hurry, sergeant? Wouldn't you like to have an early lunch?

We cut back to Sean as he raised his hand and smiles and nods his head.

Sean: (Narrating) After Friday turns down sex from a smokin' hot MILF, him and Streebek have lunch as Friday orders himself two chili dogs and fries and Streebek gets himself a fruit salad. And why the hell is Streebek eating a fruit salad with chopsticks.

Streebek: (On Friday's chili dogs) They're the worst thing for you. They're filled with nitrites and toxins and poisons, and you're doubling up on them.

Friday: Let me tell you something, mister. Unlike you, outside of cigarettes, I only have one vice, and a good chili dog is it, so please pipe down and let me enjoy my lunch in peace.

Streebek: Okay. You know the kinds of things that can fall into an industrial sausage press, not excluding rodent hairs and bug excrement?

Friday: I hate you, Streebek.

Sean: (V/O) Well, thanks a lot, Streebek. Now, you just made not want to eat chili dogs.

(While Friday and Streebek are eating their lunch, two car thieves end up stealing their car and drive off with it)

Sean: (V/O) Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. When they're not solving crimes, they eat lunch while a group of punks steal their car. Yeah, the police car bit is going to be a running gag throughout the movie.

Sean: (Narrating) And because of Streebek's pure stupidity by leaving the keys in the ignition, they now have to get a new car. Captain Gannon tells Friday and Streebek that there was a chemical train hijackdown at the freight yards, in other words, the P.A.G.A.N.s strike again.

Gannon: One more thing. Police and fire departments all over the county have been reporting vehicles stolen, so keep an eye on your car.

(The "Wah Wah Wahhhh" sound effect plays in the background, then we cut to Sean as we see him shrug goofily at the camera)

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek get their new car and respond to the call down at the freight yard and we learn that the P.A.G.A.N.s have stolen some deadly chemicals from the tanker cars. What the hell are these P.A.G.A.N.s planning on using deadly chemicals for? Afterwards, Friday and Streebek take a break from the case only to see a television show hosted by a televangelist named the Reverend Jonathan Whirley, played by Christopher Plummer. Reverend Whirley is the founder of MAMA, the Moral Advance Movement of America, and he is interviewing police commissioner Jane Kirkpatrick, played by Elizabeth Ashley.

Whirley (Played by Christopher Plummer) Commissioner- -

Jane Kirkpatrick (Played by Elizabeth Ashley): Please, Dr. Whirley, will you call me Jane?

Whirley: Only if you call me Jonathan. (Chuckles)

Sean: (V/O) And if you think that I'm going to make fun of his performance in this movie, let me just tell you this...

"He's alright. What? You think I'm going to keep doing that annoying voiceover throughout the whole review? I gotta make sure to talk." Sean said.

Jane Kirkpatrick: What a deep honor it is for this city that you have chosen Los Angeles to be the new focal point for the Moral Advance Movement of America.

Whirley: Oh, it's quite simple, uh, really, uh, Jane. If one wishes to effect a financial upheaval in this country, one should set his or her sights on Wall Street. If one wishes to revolutionize the political system, he or she would naturally go to Washington. (Chuckles) But, uh, when dealing with, uh, pornography, filth, crime, degradation... what better place is there to begin with than Los Angeles? The current capital of depravity in what sadly passes for the modern world.

"Why do I get the feeling that this guy is going to be the bad guy? I'm calling it right now. Christopher Plummer is playing the villain in this movie." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek continue their investigation as they head over to an apartment complex that looks run down after another theft happened and they speak with the landlady named Enid Borden, played by the late Kathleen Freeman.

Enid Borden: (Played by Kathleen Freeman): 'Bout time you pencil dicks showed up. Why couldn't you have got here before that big, bad, stupid-lookin' piece of sewage breath stole my white weddin' dress?

Friday: Ms. Borden, sewage breath would be your little nickname for?

Enid Borden: Muzz, Emil Muzz.

Streebek: Not much of an improvement.

Enid Borden: That asswipe also stiffed me for two months rent when his deposit check bounced. Goddamn puss-faced little pimp stick. All that was left in his room was a big box of these things.

(Borden shows Friday and Streebek a stack of P.A.G.A.N. cards)

Streebek: Any idea where this EmilMuzz could be right now? Friends, family?

Enid Borden: Nah, he was a loner. Took off in the middle of the night. Useless scum lappin' shit bag.

"Boy, Mrs. Gordon from As Told by Ginger sure has a foul mouth." Sean said.

Friday: Just the facts, ma'am. He leave anything else behind?

Enid Borden: Yeah, tape deck, which I had to sell to make up for the lost rent, so there's nothin' you can do about it, you slimy little jizz bucket.

"She said jizz bucket." Sean chuckled as he imitated Butt-Head.

Sean: (Narrating) The foul-mouth landlady tells Friday and Streebek that she threw some of Muzz's things in the trash, so our heroes chase down the garbage truck to look for some clues to look for Muzz and they come across a photo of two muscular ladies in Muscle Beach and a phone number on the back of the photo, so they call the number, which is the number to Jerry Caesar's residence. Turns out that Muzz is Caesar's driver and they manage to track him down.

(Streebek honks the car horn to wake Muzz up)

Streebek: We need to ask you a few questions, Emil.

Emil Muzz: Blow it out your pants, cop.

Friday: Oh, good, Muzz, give yourself a hard time.

(Muzz smiles at Friday and Streebek as he starts the limo and runs over Friday's feet. Friday makes a goofy look after his feet got ran over)

Sean breaks down in laughter.

"Okay, that's the look that did it. When I saw commercials for it on TBS, that scene where Friday gets his feet ran over and when he made that look, I laughed my ass off. Plus, that's also the look of a guy who looks like he busted a good nut." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We get an exciting car chase as Friday and Streebek chase Muzz while Streebek is behind the wheel driving recklessly and without any backup since this is their collar.

Streebek: Look out!

(Streebek swerves past a car)

Sean: (V/O as Driver) KUMQUAT!

(Muzz drives through a stuffed animal stand as Streekbeck and Friday go through the stand as well)

Friday: Look out, Muppets.

(Streebek and Friday continue to chase Muzz. Muzz keeps driving recklessly while crashing into stuff before they chase him on the beach)

Friday: (While writing in his notepad) Reckless endangerment of human life, willful disregard of private property, failure to signal for a safe lane change.

Streebek: Yeah, he's really racking up the violations, isn't he?

Friday: Not him, you. This is your one-way ticket back to civilian life, Mr. I like to throw the book out the window.

Streebek: That's a good idea. (Grabs Friday's notepad and throws it out of the car)

(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)

McBain (Voiced by Harry Shearer): (After shooting the book out of the Chief's hand) Bye, book.

Sean: (Narrating) The chase ends as Muzz crashes into a lifeguard stand while driving through the set of Baywatch, Friday and Streebek take him downtown to interrogate him.

Streebek: Look, Muzz, we've got you on 87 violations of the motor vehicle code. It's only a matter of time before we tie you into one of those P.A.G.A.N. jobs, not to mention the fact that you stole your landlady's wedding dress, which so far is the only endearing thing about you. So why don't you talk to us?

(Muzz spits at Streebek, but he moves out of the way as the nasty spitball hits Friday's face)

Emil Muzz: Listen, you public pawn. My attorney's on his way, and we both know I'll be outta here in 20 minutes on bail. So take off these cuffs and open the door!

Friday: I wouldn't worry about the door, Muzz. The kind of scum who'd represent you would just ooze right under it.

Streebek: Look, Joe, why don't you go get a coupla cups of coffee. I know I could use one. (Turns his attention to Muzz) You want anything, Muzz?

Emil Muzz: Chewing gum, a Snickers bar, and my attorney, badge kisser!

(Friday leaves the interrogation room, leaving Streebek alone with Muzz)

Streebek: Well, Emil. I guess it's just you and me and your balls... (Pulls open a desk drawer) and this drawer.

(Muzz looks down at the desk drawer as Streebek slams it shut on his testicles, his head shot up in surprise. We then cut to Friday getting a cup of coffee as he suddenly hears Muzz screaming from the interrogation room as Streebek keeps slamming the desk drawer shut on his balls repeatedly. The other police officers and detectives hear what's going on and Friday grins)

"Jesus! Man, Cole Phelps from L.A. Noire could be using that type of interrogation method." Sean said.

(A clip from L.A. Noire is shown)

Capt. James Donnelly (Voiced by Andrew Connolly): You disappoint me, Cole Phelps. (Yells) GET BACK IN THERE AND RAISE SOME LUMPS, BOY! I NEED A CONFESSION!

(Phelps heads back into the interrogation room. He shuts the door and we hear the sound of a desk getting slammed shut and some guy screaming)

Sean: (Narrating) Streebek finishes his interrogation method like he's Le Chiffre from Casino Royale as Muzz tells them that he had been planning to attend a P.A.G.A.N. meeting later on that night at the P.A.G.A.N. clubhouse since he's a member, but he won't reveal the time or place of the meeting.

Emil Muzz: (Flips off Friday and Streebek) Jump on this and spin, cop. I'm not sayin' another word until my attorney gets here!

Streebek: Say, Joe, wouldn't a couple of danishes go great with this coffee right now?

(Streebek opens the desk drawer, Muzz looks horrified while Friday and Streebek both give him a knowing look)

"Boy, this guy is going to have some really sore balls after this)

Sean: (Narrating) Later that night, Friday and Streebek go undercover as street gang members and (Sees Friday's appearance) oh, jeez! How could you not laugh at Dan Aykroyd. Look at his mohawk. He looks like Foghorn Leghorn! (A picture of Foghorn Leghorn is shown next to Friday) While they're heading to the P.A.G.A.N. meeting, Friday and Streebek end up getting pulled over by highway patrol, which means they're going to be dealing with Broderick Crawford. I'm kidding, it's just some phony cops who love P.A.G.A.N. Also, Dan Aykroyd's brother Peter is in the movie.

Phony CHP #1 (Played by Casey Sander): License and registration.

Friday: What was the offense, officer?

(The second officer notices Emil's ID card)

Phony CHP #2 (Played by Peter Aykroyd): It's okay, Floyd, they're P.A.G.A.N.s.

Phony CHP #1: Yeah?

Friday: Yeah. (To Streebek) Show 'em your card, Muzz, Emil.

Streebek: (Shows the ID) Yeah, yeah that's right, that's me, Muzz, Emil. Emil Muzz. Uh, I-I've been sick. (Coughs)

Phony CHP #1: Sorry to bother you, fellas. We can't be too careful though, huh? We don't want any non-P.A.G.A.N.s around here, especially tonight, right? Huh? (Laughs)

(Friday laughs. He turns to Streebek while laughing, Streebek laughs along with the officers)

(Cut to a clip from Three Fugitives where we see Dugan, played by James Earl Jones, and Tener, played by Alan Ruck, break down in laughter. Then, we cut to a clip from Batman: The Killing Joke, where we see Batman and The Joker sharing a laugh)

We cut back to Sean as we see him start laughing with Friday, Streebek and the two cops. "What the hell are we laughing about? I don't know what I'm laughing about. Did you say something funny?"

Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Friday and Streebek arrive at the secret P.A.G.A.N. ceremony where some of the members are wearing goat masks and goat leggins. What kind of crazy cult is this? And they have some kind of wild party with a jumbotron screen and a band. Not to mention beer and drugs as well, as well as some dancing. Friday and Streebek blend in before the leader of the goatheads shows up to start the ceremony. And this is the scene that I remember seeing when I was a kid when I caught a showing of this movie on TBS. I remember seeing the guy with the goat mask, which I thought looked silly.

P.A.G.A.N. Leader: I, your high priest, of living P.A.G.A.N. perfection, do call the name Gathool.

Crowd: Do call the name Gathool!

P.A.G.A.N. Leader: Eelbazel, Ignodrohoth, Shaitan.

Crowd: (Chanting) Shaitan, Shaitan, Shaitan!

P.A.G.A.N. Leader: Prepare the virgin.

(The crowd cheers)

"Wait, what did he just say?" Sean asked.

P.A.G.A.N. Leader: Prepare the virgin.

"Prepare the virgin. Where the hell are you gonna find a virgin in Los Angeles? What the hell kind of crazy cult is this?!" Sean exclaimed.

Friday: Prepare the virgin. I don't like the sound of that.

Streebek: Let's just hope they're not referring to you.

Sean laughs a bit. "Okay, that line was pretty funny."

Sean: (Narrating) The masked leader throws in a Madagascar fruit tree bat that they stole from the zoo, a lion's mane. Now, all that's missing is a giant-ass snake. And to add to this crazy ceremony: a virgin. So, they bring out the virgin, who's dressed in Enid Borden's wedding dress, and the virgin that they're referring to is Connie Swail a.k.a. "the virgin Connie Swail", played by Alexandra Paul. Wow, she went from almost getting killed by Christine and becoming a virgin sacrifice. She cannot catch a break.

P.A.G.A.N. Leader: Evil bringeth hear our plea. She's as pure as she can be. White and clean as driven snow. From Orange County, here we go!

Streebek: Two to one, that's Enid Borden's wedding dress.

Friday: 20 to one, Enid Borden never looked that beautiful on her wedding day.

Crowd: (Chants) Virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin, virgin!

(Connie screams as the P.A.G.A.N. minions throw her into a pit of water)

"Oh, come on! You mean, you couldn't tell me that Alexandra Paul can't swim out of this one? She was on Baywatch, for Christ's sake!" Sean exclaimed as a picture of Alexandra Paul as Lt. Stephanie Holden from Baywatch is shown.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek move in as they spring into action as they disrupt the ritual and jump in the pit of water to save the virgin Connie Swail, but there's just one problem...

Streebek: Friday!

Friday: Streebek?

(Streebek is seen with an anaconda wrapped around him)

Streebek: I found the snake.

(A clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark is shown)

Indiana Jones (Played by Harrison Ford): Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

(Cut back to the movie)

P.A.G.A.N. Leader: What the hell goes on down there? Who are those two clowns?

Connie Swail (Played by Alexandra Paul): Who are you?

Friday: Friday, Streebek, Los Angeles police offic-

(Friday and Connie get pulled into the water by the anaconda while Streebek is trying to fight it)

Friday: Where are you from, miss?

Connie Swail: Anaheim.

Streebek: Her favorite color is blue. Jesus Christ I'm about to be eaten here!

(The crowd keeps cheering)

Connie Swail: Some big guys grabbed me off the street last night.

Friday: Were you sexually assaulted?

Connie Swail: No, thank God, they needed a virgin.

Streebek: (Stops fighting the snake) You're still a virgin?

(Connie nods her head as the anaconda pulls Streebeck into the water)

Friday: My hat's off to you, ma'am. Hope you stay that way.

"Trust me, nobody stays a virgin for the rest of their lives." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The giant snake gets ready to kill our heroes and a virgin, but Streebek has a plan to stop the snake, by forcing some drugs down the snake's throat.

(Streebek forces some drugs down the anaconda's throat, the snake swallows the drugs as Friday and Connie sees the snake's tail getting stiff before going down as Streebek subdues the snake)

Streebek: Anybody need some boots?

"I would've went with "Anybody wanna get high?", but this'll do." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday, Streebek and Connie get ready to make their escape, but all that's standing in their way is a bunch of angry P.A.G.A.N.s getting ready to kill them.

Friday: (Shows his badge) You are all under arrest.

(The crowd keeps chanting "Kill the good!")

Friday: Each of you has the right to remain silent. If you waive the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

Streebek: Oh, for cryin' out loud!

(Streebek pulls out his gun, which is a Colt Python. He cocks it, and fires warning shots in the air to disperse the crowd. The three of them make a run for it as Friday and Streebek keep firing warning shots in the air and Connie notices the size of Friday's gun, which is a Smith & Wesson Model 10 HB)

Connie Swail: How come his is so much bigger than yours?

Sean immediately spits out some water that he was drinking and covers his mouth in shock.

Friday: Miss?

Connie Swail: The gun.

Sean stares nervously at the camera as he sits his cup of water down on his desk.

"Movie, I know you're an 80s movie that's rated PG-13, but seriously, no need for jokes about penis size." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The masked leader grabs Connie, but she quickly unmasks him and he's revealed to be the Reverend Jonathan Whirley. And I absolutely love the little delayed reaction he had after she saw his face.

Sean: (V/O as Whirley after he is unmasked) Uhhhh... DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'M HIDEOUS!

(Friday beats up on a masked P.A.G.A.N. member and punches him in the face)

Streebek: Come on, Joe!

(As they make their escape, Friday and Streebek fight off some more masked P.A.G.A.N.s, One masked member grabs Connie, but she turns around and knees the guy in the groin)

Brian: (V/O as Masked P.A.G.A.N) AAAAAAHHHHH! MY CUCUMBER!

Connie Swail: Oh, gosh, I'm terribly sorry.

"Gotta have that one funny nutshot and it involves a virgin kicking a guy wearing a goat mask in the nuts." Sean said with a smile on his face.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek steal back their vehicle that was stolen earlier and they make their escape. They drop off Connie at her home, which happens to be Wisteria Lane from Desperate Housewives. No, I'm not kidding, Connie Swail'shouse was later used as Susan Mayer's house. In fact, they use this neighborhood set for 'The Burbs. And let's not forget Leave It to Beaver. So, they drop Connie at her house and she immediately takes a liking to Friday.

Connie Swail: Will I ever see you again, Joe?

Friday: Absolutely, you're our main witness. We'd like you to come downtown, and take a look at the mug books. See if you can make a positive ID on the man you saw. We'll gave a policewoman come down here tonight, keep an eye on the house, and bring you downtown to Parker Center tomorrow. Here's my card.

(Friday gives Connie his card. Her thumb grazes his thumb)

Friday: You'll be needed for further questioning.

(Connie walks over to her door)

Connie Swail: I don't know why, but, somehow I feel like I can tell you anything, Joe.

(Friday smiles as Connie)

"Yeah, she won't be a virgin anymore when she has sex with Friday. She'll be screaming his name over and over again. And that's just the facts." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek return to Parker Center and they call Captain Gannon to meet him at his office to tell him about the events of the night.

Friday: (Narrating) 3:35 AM, we proceeded to relate the details of our successful follow-up on the P.A.G.A.N. robberies, and briefed Captain Gannon on the outlandish festival we had attended. Even going so far as to demonstrate the goat dance which we had engaged in as part of our undercover role in the operation.

(Friday and Streebek are doing the goat dance in front of Captain Gannon. Captain Gannon sits down at his desk and puts his hands to his face)

Streebek: This music, pulsating, over and over and over again.

"Hey, this looks like a fun dance!" Sean exclaimed as he immediately got up from out of his desk chair and start doing the goat dance in his office.

(Gannon gets irritated from Friday and Streebek dancing around)

Gannon: (Stands up and shouts) STOP IT!

"Sorry." Sean said as he stops doing the goat dance. "But it's a really fun dance."

Sean: (Narrating) Friday, Streebek and Captain Gannon drive down to the area where the P.A.G.A.N. ceremony was at and they meet Commissioner Kirkpatrick, but she sees no evidence of the P.A.G.A.N. ceremony.

Friday: I can't understand it, sir. There was a huge electronic screen up there with P.A.G.A.N. vision written all over it.

Streebek: Yeah, yeah, and this was the hole that was filled with water and we had to dive in to save the virgin who was being eaten by the giant snake.

Jane Kirkpatrick: Captain, who are these painted cretins?

Gannon: Two of my best men, ma'am.

Streebek: That's right, that's right.

"Well, are they on drugs or something? And why does Stanz from Ghostbusters look like a chicken?" Sean asked, imitating Commissioner Kirkpatrick.

Sean: (Narrating) Kirkpatrick doesn't believe Friday and Streebek's story and she kicks them off of the P.A.G.A.N. investigation because it'll be bad for the press about invisible crimes and Friday mouths off to her, in which she threatens to fire him if he talks to her like that again and Gannon speaks to Friday about his actions.

Gannon: I've never known you to act this way, Friday. Certainly not the type of behavior that your Uncle Joe would have approved of. You know the kind of man he was.

(Friday nods his head)

Gannon: I suggest that you try to be a little more like him from now on.

Friday: Yeah, sir, I'll try.

Gannon: Good.

"I'm pretty sure that his Uncle Joe would approve of his nephew's behavior. This isn't the 50s, Gannon. It's 80s. Get with the times." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday brings Connie in to identify the man in the book of mugshots, but he's not in any of the books and she'll never forget the guy's face.

Friday: As far as your personal safety is concerned, I wouldn't worry. That guy's probably a couple hundred miles from here by now.

(Friday sits the magazine down on his desk as the camera pans down to show an article featuring Jonathan Whirley and a picture of Whirley)

"Or you can pick up the magazine and show her the picture of him, that way she can easily identify him. Oy." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday goes to pick up Streebek at his apartment, and apparently Streebek had a hot date with a smokin' hot female officer of the law. As Friday and Streebek get ready for work, this happens.

(Friday's car explodes, courtesy of Muzz putting a bomb in his car)

Friday: My hat was in that car.

Streebek: Yeah, I can tell you who reblocked it for ya.

"It's the critics who didn't care for Ghostbusters II. Come on, that was an awesome sequel. How could you not like it?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) After having their car blown up by P.A.G.A.N.s, Streebek tries to cheer Friday up by taking him to a place that serves the best coffee in L.A., and that place happens to be a strip club. Yeah, you're wearing that PG-13 rating like a badge of honor!

"Don't you love it when PG and PG-13 rated movies from the 80s show tasteful nudity? Boy, the times have changed." Sean said.

Friday: You know I hate to admit it, Streebek, but for once in your life, you're right. This is good coffee.

Streebek: Oh, you should try the French toast.

"Okay, since this strip club has the best coffee and the best French toast, I bet it has the best buffalo wings in town." Sean said.

"Ooh, maybe they have the best burgers or the best fish in town." Brian said, sipping a cherry coke.

Sean: (Narrating) Streebek mentions to Friday that there's only one illegal lab in the city after he gets a tip from an informant on the whereabouts of the dangerous chemicals that P.A.G.A.N. has stolen. Friday waits for Streebek to show up after he spots the illegal drug lab disguised as an ordinary milk factory, but he ends up standing around whistling in a bad part of town.

(Friday starts whistling as three young toughs walk out of an alley and approach him)

Tough #1 (Played by Marshall Maurice Mitchell): Hey, Zipperhead!

(Friday turns to the young thugs)

Friday: Up a little late tonight, aren't we kids?

Tough #2 (Played by Ruben Garfias): Let's have one of your smokes.

Friday: It's an unhealthy habit, I don't encourage in others, son. Get smart, give it up by not taking it up.

Tough #1: Thanks for the public service announcement. Now hand over your money, and I'll go buy my own smokes.

Friday: Well, if you're that strapped for cash, I'd suggest a part-time job. How 'bout a paper route? It builds character, it did in my case.

Tough #2: Hey, we're not askin' you for your money, Ozzie.

Friday: No?

Tough #2: No.

Friday: Are you threatening me, son?

Toughs: (All) Ooh!

(One of the toughs pulls out a knife and charges at Friday. Friday punches the guy in the face and kicks the other tough in the stomach. The Asian tough, played by the late Stuart Kwan, starts swinging his nunchakus while Friday just stands and watches before we cut to a clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark, where we see the swordsman swinging his sword before Indy shoots him. We cut back to the movie as the third tough tries to kick Friday. Friday ducks and grabs the top of a garbage can and uses it as a shield to block the tough's attacks before hitting him in the face with it. The three toughs get scared and run away as Friday throws the nunchakus in the trash can and grabs his cigarette)

Friday: And on a school night too.

"Okay, did they just make Friday a badass? Okay, your Uncle Joe would be so proud." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek lead a SWAT team to raid the milk factory by sending in a SWAT tank to crash through the building, but it's actually milk. No deadly chemicals hidden here. After they leave, we see that the chemicals were actually stored in a building next door to the milk factory that the P.A.G.A.N.s have stored away in a Fresh Wholesome Milk tanker. Also, I just love that after their cars have been stolen and blown up, they end up driving in a 1987 Yugo. Yeah, I would rather drive in a DeLorean than a Yugo. But hey, at least we get to see Friday and Streebek trying to bond with each other.

Streebek: Hey, Friday?

Friday: That's me.

Streebek: What do you like to do for fun? I mean, I'm your partner now, and I don't even know where you live.

Friday: That's right, mister, you don't.

"I find out where you live and now you want to know where I live? Is this how partners get to know each other?" Sean asked, imitating Friday.

Sean: (Narrating) Streebek watches TV on is little SEIKO watch. Yes, those things exist back in the 80s, as we see that Commissioner Kirkpatrick is speaking at the annual Law and Order Foundation dinner, and she is bad-mouthing the current mayor and telling him to resign because he's doing a horrible job and Reverend Whirley speaks as well.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I have never been elected to public office. I have always sought the approval of a somewhat higher power for my actions. The sad truth is that we live here now in a city where even a gross pornographer like Jerry Caesar is not immune from lawlessness!

"You know, his character and John Lithgow's character from Footloose would be great friends." Sean said.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I am relieved to announce tonight that even Mr. Caesar himself has bravely decided to strike a blow in our common fight against crime. Yes sir, yes indeed!

Streebek: This guy knows God personally. I hear they play racquetballtogether.

Friday: Yeah, well just go ahead and chuckle away, mister. I don't hear God laughing.

Streebek: You will once he sees your haircut.

"Okay, that moment deserves a Nickelodeon-style laugh track." Sean said.

(Cut back to the clip)

Friday: I don't hear God laughing.

Streebek: You will once he sees your haircut.

(A laugh track plays before cutting to a clip from an episode of iCarly where we see Carly smiles and nods her head. P.S.: It's from the episode iDate Sam & Freddie)

Sean: (Narrating) Friday tells Streebekthat he has plans since he can't hang out with him. Streebek follows Friday to his house and I absolutely love this little moment right here from Tom Hanks that never fails to make me laugh.

(Streebek sees Friday's home as composer Ira Newborn's goofy rendition of the Psycho theme plays)

Streebek: I knew it. It's Nightmare on Elm Street. And that would make him Freddy Krueger.

(A wolf howls in the background)

Streebek: We're gonna be driving along some night and the lighting's gonna be bad, and he's gonna mistake me for some pretty little coed, and out comes that claw. (Acts like he's getting clawed in the face and growls) 170 pounds of ground chuck. Who knows what kind of thrill-seeking hose monster he's got stashed in there.

(Friday steps out on the porch with an older woman, who happens to be his grandmother)

Streebek: My God, he's dating Mother Goose.

"I don't know why, but that Nightmare on Elm Street bit had me cracking up along with the Mother Goose line." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday takes his grandmother Granny Mundy, played by Lenka Peterson, out to dinner for her birthday and sees Streebek and she invites him to join them at the Brown Derby.

Friday: Granny, I don't think it's such a good idea.

Granny Mundy (Played by Lenka Peterson): Why not, Joe?

Streebek: Yeah Joe, why not?

Friday: Yes, well it's just that I've invited someone already to join us and you don't really know her. She's-

Granny Mundy and Streebek: (Both) Her?

Granny Mundy: Joe! You have a date?

(Joe silently nods his head)

Granny Mundy: Oh, I'm so proud.

(Streebek smiles at Friday and slaps him on his back)

Streebek: Well, in that case, it looks like I have a date too. Granny Mundy, may I escort you to Joe's car?

Granny Mundy: I'd be privileged, Detective Star Trek.

(Friday glares at Streebek)

"God, you better not make the moves on my grandmother, Streebek. Or so help me, I'll send you to the beaches of Normandy." Sean said, imitating Friday.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday, Streebek and Granny Mundy arrive at the Brown Derby restaurant and they meet with Connie, who Friday has invited and while they're about to try the restaurant's famous Cobb Salad, Connie immediately recognizes Reverend Whirley when he shows up at the restaurant with Commissioner Kirkpatrick and Captain Gannon.

Connie Swail: (After recognizing Whirley) That's him. That man with the collar.

Friday: The Reverend Whirley?

Connie Swail: He's the one who kidnapped me and threw me in that pit with that horrible snake. I'll never forget his face as long as I live.

Friday: Connie, you have to be sure about this.

Streebek: How about very, very sure.

Connie: I'm positive, Joe.

"He kept quoting Shakespeare while he was dressed as a Kingon and he was wearing an eyepatch." Sean said, imitating Connie while a picture of General Chang from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country is shown next to him.

Sean: (Narrating) After Connie IDs Reverend Whirley, Friday goes right ahead to arrest him while he's about to use the restroom. And I agree with Gene Siskel about Dan Aykroyd's performance, that dude deserves an Academy Award nomination, not because of his performance but because of this scene right here.

Friday: (Shows his badge to Whirley) Police officer, you're under arrest.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I beg your pardon, what is this? Some sort of a feeble joke. (Enters the stall)

Friday: No, it's a real knee-slapper, friend, if you consider California penal code sections 484207, A597 and 217 theft, kidnapping, cruelty to animals, attempted murder, something to laugh about.

(We get a shot of Whirley's legs with his pants down while he's sitting on the toilet)

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

Friday: My partner and I witnessed that little torchlight picnic you threw last night, and we're gonna put you where your kind always ends up, in a seven by seven foot gray-green metal cage on the 15th floor of some hundred year old penitentiary with damp stinking walls and a wooden plank for a bed. Sure this city isn't perfect. We need a smut-free life for all our citizens, cleaner streets, better schools, a good hockey team. But the big difference between you and me, mister, is you made the promise and I'm gonna keep it.

(The men in the restroom start applauding. Whirley steps out of the stall and Friday arrests him)

Brian: (V/O as Whirley) But I haven't even washed my hands yet!

Sean: (V/O as Friday) Pipe down Von Trapp! You're goin' away for a long, long, time.

(Cut to Friday and Whirley approaching Gannon and Kirkpatrick)

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: Captain, Commissioner, I demand an immediate explanation for this outrageous behavior.

Commissioner Jane Kirkpatrick: (Points to Friday) It's him again. Are you insane?

Friday: Commissioner, the Reverend Whirley abducted that girl over there, had his men throw her into a pit filled with criminally polluted water, and a giant Bolivian jungle snake.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: Oh, Jane, these accusations are preposterous.

Friday: I beg to differ, ma'am. Just ask him if he remembers about 3,000 gallons of stolen trichlornitromethaneand the pseudohalogeniccompound cyanogen, which when mixed properly, form a liquid fertilizer that burns the throat, the eyes, the lungs, the nose, and could cause vomiting and even death.

Gannon: Friday, we're just about to eat here.

"Great job, Friday. They're not even in the mood to eat the restaurant's famous Cobb Salad." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Appalled at what she's seen, Commissioner Kirkpatrick tells Friday to remove the handcuffs off of Reverend Whirley and she relieves him of his duty. Uh, yeah. She does not have the authority to do so since she's a civilian appointed by the mayor and serves only on a part-time basis. Plus, she can only advise the police and serve as the voice of the people. Only the captain can relieve Friday of his duty. That's the captain's job.

Gannon: (Sighs) Joe, I'm afraid I'll have to take your badge and gun.

Friday: Captain, if we could just please-

Gannon: I don't wanna discuss it! Just hand them over.

(Friday hands Gannon his gun and badge)

Streebek: Look, Joe. Don't worry, I'm still on active duty. I'm buildin' a case.

Gannon: You're building nothin'. Streebek, if I ever hear you've come within one mile of the Reverend Whiley, I'll have your badge for breakfast. Understood?

Streebek: Yes, sir.

(Gannon walks over to his car and leaves)

Connie Swail: It was very nice of you to try and take us out to dinner, Joe.

"Hey, y'all didn't get a chance to get the Cobb Salad. Thanks for ruining dinner, Joe." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Joe and Connie head down to the Hollywood sign to look at the stars and have a little romantic moment, hopefully that night turns out great.

Connie Swail: Joe?

Friday: That's me.

Connie Swail: Was there ever... anyone else?

Friday: Of course there was.

Connie Swail: Oh.

Friday: Actually, I've only been driving with Streebek for a couple of days now. Before that I was with Frank.

Connie Swail: That's not what I meant, Joe.

Friday: (Realizes what she meant) Oh.

(Friday and Connie get ready to kiss, but they get interrupted by Muzz, who ends up picking up Friday's car )

"Great. I bet that would suck to get cockblocked by Non. And he's using his super strength." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Connie get captured by Muzz. The next day, Streebek is concerned about Friday and Connie since they haven't arrived home and he thinks that he's having sex with Connie, but nah, it's Friday. Like he would do something like that. And Streebek senses there's something wrong as he speaks to Captain Gannon about it, but Gannon won't listen, so he goes to search for him. I just love this one bit where Streebek channels Friday.

Streebek: (To the young officer) Hey, you!

Young Officer (Played by Kent MacLachlan): Me, Pep?

Streebek: Detective Streebek to you, rookie, now let's get this mop trimmed, stop shaving with a pocket knife, and the next time you eat your lunch, you put it in your stomach, not on your uniform. You're a disgrace to this department and to that badge on your chest.

(The young officer named "Ron" walks away and Streebek realizes what he has become)

(A clip from Toy Story is shown)

Buzz Lightyear (Voiced by Tim Allen): You are a sad, strange little man.

Sean: (Narrating) Caesar meets with Reverend Whirley at a cemetery of all places to talk about the current mayor of the city and that he's not going to resign. So, he discusses his dastardly plan to get him out of office.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: That million dollar contribution of yours will ensure his presence at your party tonight. Just make sure he turns into a drug-crazed idiot, complete with pictures. And once he's politically dead, Commissioner Kirkpatrick will be a shoe-in to replace him in the next election. You and I will split effective control of the city. You'll monopolize all pornography, half the poor, dumb sheep in Los Angeles will be forkingover money to buy your sleaze, while the other half will be funding me with the means to fight it.

Jerry Caesar: Reverend... you got balls as big as church bells.

"You know, Reverend. There's a special place in Hell for people like you and there's a reservation for you at the table. You'll be dining with Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson.

Sean: (Narrating) After Caesar leaves, Commissioner Kirkpatrick shows up from out of hiding and tells Whirley that she does not trust Caesar, Also, here's the thing about Kirkpatrick... that bitch is corrupt. Anyway, Streebek continues his investigation on the disappearance of Friday and the virgin Connie Swail as he takes a look at the Muscle Beach photo and tracks down Muzz to get some information out of him as we cut to Griffith Observatory where Friday and Connie are being held captive and Reverend Whirley shows up to take Connie with him.

Friday: You hypocritical maniac, if you had one common shred of decency left, you'd let her go and kill me instead.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: Instead? But my dear Sergeant Friday, I'd always planned on killing you.

Friday: How do you see yourself going down in history, mister? P.A.G.A.N., a reverend, devil, or angel?

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: Why both, of course. One can't exist without the other. Without the Jerry Caesars, there'd be no moral outrage. And what's the good of moral outrage unless you have something tangible to direct it against? By this time tomorrow, thanks to that poison gas you've been tracking like some flu-ridden bloodhound, Mr. Caesar will be sitting in that great big jacuzzi in the sky, and I'll control both sides of the equation.

Friday: Uh-huh, sure, but just like every other foaming, rabid psycho in the city with a fool-proof plan, you've forgotten you're facing the single finest fighting force ever assembled.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: (Thinks for a moment) The Israelis?

Sean starts breaking down in laughter from Whirley's line.

"Okay, that was the most hilarious and classic line ever said coming from Christoper Plummer." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Reverend Whirley takes Connie with him and he leaves Friday to get killed by his men, and Streebek shows up just in time to save his partner and they make their escape.

(Streebek and Friday make their escape on Streebek's motorcycle while Whirley's goons chase after them while shooting at them)

Streebek: Just relax, Friday, and hold on tight...

(Friday holds onto Streebek's waist)

Streebek: ...tighter.

(Friday holds onto Streebek a bit tighter)

Streebek: Pretend I'm Connie.

(Friday gets a little excited and holds onto Streebek extremely tight, making him drive uncontrollably and down the hill)

Friday: Look out, look out, look out! Streebek there's no road here!

(The goons start shooting at Friday and Streebek once more)

"Geez, these guys have terrible aim like the bad guys from Batman: The Animated Series." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebeck arrive at Caesar's mansion as they see the Mayor arriving as well as Reverend Whirley. Friday tries to sneak in, but Streebek stops him.

Streebek: You're not a police officer anymore, Joe. I hate to be the one to break that to you, but it's the truth. You go charging in there now, you're never gonna get your badge back.

Friday: Whirley's the only one that knows where Connie is, and he's gonna tell me or I'm gonna shove that collar so far down his throat, I'll have to take off his shoes to wring his neck.

Streebek: Will you listen to yourself? You're not even thinking like a cop anymore. You're thinking like a man in love.

Friday: You just watch your language, mister!

Streebek: (Shocked) Oh, Joe. I- You've never really had these feelings before, have you?

Friday: Almost.

"It was that time when some ghost chick gave me a blowjob." Sean said, imitating Friday while mentioning the scene from Ghostbusters.

Friday: Streebek, wait.

Streebek: Joe, go home. Go home, there's nothing more you can do here, believe me. And by the way, my name is Pep. It's not mister or junior or bub or even Streebek. It's Pep. Friendships start with first names, Joe.

"As in the slogan for Hormel Pepperoni." Sean said.

(A clip from the Hormel Pepperoni commercial from 1999 is shown)

Kid (Played by Julius Ritter): Next time you hear your stomach growl, pep it up with Hormel Pepperoni.

Sean: (Narrating) Streebek infiltrates the mansion and sees that there are P.A.G.A.N.s around as they dump a bunch of magazines and getting ready to release the deadly gas made from the stolen chemicals. Streebek knocks out one of the P.A.G.A.N.s with a phone book and calls Captain Gannon to send a S.W.A.T. team. Reverend Whirley leaves and leave Muzz in charge and he burns the magazines as their little own magazine burning. That is until L.A.P.D. and S.W.A.T. show up to disrupt the little magazine burning party and all hell breaks loose.

Emil Muzz: What the, cops! Party's over, break out the weapons! Break out the masks over there!

(S.W.A.T. gets into a shootout with the P.A.G.A.N.s. During the shootout, the mansion gets shot up by P.A.G.A.N.s as the guests duck down for cover)

"Quick, save the ladies! Save the ladies!" Sean yelled out as he ducks for cover.

(The S.W.A.T. Trooper takes cover as bullets hit the ground)

SWAT Trooper (Played by Larry Blizarian): We're pinned down, hold your positions!

(The S.W.A.T. tank arrives to provide cover for S.W.A.T.)

SWAT Trooper: Alright, boys, let's do it!

Sean: (Narrating) An armored SWAT vehicle arrives and there's a little moment in the music where it turns into Indiana Jones right when the tank crashes through the gate. What? Is Ira Newborn trying to be like John Williams here?

(The music for the scene were the tank crashes through the gate plays, then we cut to a clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade as the Raiders March plays)

(Cut back to the movie)

Sean: (Narrating) Friday shows up to join the party and becomes a bad-ass when he subdues Muzz and Streebek arrests the hulking madman and Caesar thanks Friday for saving his life.

Jerry Caesar: Friday, Friday, you got a lifetime subscription to Bait, Dollies and Field and Cream. You saved my house, you saved my gals, you saved my life. I'll give you anything you want. I'll give you money, broads, automobiles, anything you want. You say, just name it.

Friday: How 'bout taking your hands off my suit.

Jerry Caesar: (Moves his hands away from Friday) Absolutely.

"And if you fucking touch me again, I'll kill you. I'll kill you good." Sean said, imitating Friday.

Sean: (Narrating) Streebek tells Friday that Whirley's heading down to Mexico on his private jet with Connie and before they leave, Captain Gannon shows up to congratulate them on a successful bust. But there's one problem.

Gannon: I can't let you take a civilian with you on a hot pursuit.

Friday: But, Captain, please.

Gannon: Sorry, Joe. (Pulls out Friday's badge) You're gonna need this.

(Friday sees his badge and smiles)

Gannon: I didn't have the heart to turn it in.

Friday: (Takes his badge) Yes, sir.

Streebek: Well don't just stand there, you petrified monolith of legal propriety, let's move.

"Yeah, we got an attractive virgin to save. Let's move!" Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Friday and Streebek rush to the airport to save Connie and stop Whirley from leaving, all while Friday is doing some recklessdriving that his Uncle Joe won't approve of while we cut to the airport and Commissioner Kirkpatrick tell Jonathan that the police have found out about their little plan, so he tells her to watch for the police while he unties Connie, but then he ends up leaving Kirkpatrick behind like a dick.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: (Turns to Connie) All buckled up? Good. (He removes the gag from Connie's mouth)

Connie Swail: You freak! Freak.

Reverend Jonathan Whirley: (Smiles) Don't worry, my dear. You'll get used to me in time.

"I will show you the holy spirit, my dear. We're gonna do a whole lot of sinning." Sean said, imitating Whirley.

Sean: (Narrating) Whirley starts the plane and leaves Commissioner Kirkpatrick behind, then we cut to Friday driving like a maniac and freaking out Streebek.

Streebek: Ah, come on, Joe, slow down! What happened to those departmental regulations on high speed pursuits? I thought you were safety conscious!

Friday: Just close your eyes and think of Christmas.

(Friday drives on the wrong side of the road to avoid the car accident)

Streebek: Think of Christmas?!

Sean: (V/O as Angry Driver) KUMQUAT!

Streebek: (Sings) Good King Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen. And the snow lay round about...

Friday: (Sings) Deep and crisp and even.

Streebek: (Continues to sing) Brightly shone the moon that night, thought the frost was cruel! When the poor man came in sight...

Friday: Try a chorus of Silent Night.

Sean: (Narrating) They arrive at the airport to stop the flight, but unfortunately they're too late as Whirley leaves on his jet with Connie. But, it's not end just yet as Friday manages to catch up to him on in a police jet and he finally arrests him.

Sean: (V/O as Whirley) I cannot believe that I got arrested by Stanz from Ghostbusters. I was in Rock-a-Doodle, goddamn it!

(As Whirley gets taken away by police, Friday sees Connie. The two smile at each other before approaching)

Friday: Hi, Connie.

Connie Swail: Oh, Joe. I'm so proud.

(Friday and Connie get ready to kiss, but they get interrupted by an excited Streebek)

Streebek: What a collar, what a collar, Joe! I'm so happy for us. Connie.

Friday: Streebek, isn't there anything job related that you should be doing at this particular moment?

"Yeah, Streebek. Stop tryin' to cockblock your own partner. He was making progress here." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The narrator informs us that Reverend Whirley was found guilty on two counts of attempted murder, kidnapping, arson, obstruction of justice and tampering with public utilities and that he is serving 43 consecutive 99 year sentences in the Men's Correction Institute in Chino. And Friday and Streebek continue their partnership. Oh, and remember when I said that Connie Swail is a virgin? Well...

Streebek: Well, late night last night, partner? I thought the Christian Science Reading Room closed at 10.

Friday: Not that it's any of your business, Mr. National Enquirer, but I had the pleasure of spending a quiet evening in the company of Connie Swail.

Streebek: Wait a minute, Connie Swail? Don't you mean "the virgin, Connie Swail"?

(Friday turns his head slowly and fixes Streebek a knowing look. Streebekis startled after realizing what Friday has done)

"Oh, yeah. Friday got laid. Told you he was gonna end up taking her virginity." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) After hearing about Connie Swail losing her virginity to Friday, the movie ends with a silly little rap performed by Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks called "City of Crime". Yeah, I thought that Prince's "Batdance" was silly.

(The song "City of Crime" plays during the end credits and we hear Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks rapping)

"And that was Dragnet and..." Sean said before he gets interrupted.

Corey Burton/Narrator: Uh, Sean. Let me take over from here.

"Sure, go right ahead." Sean said.

(Clips from the movie are shown once more)

Corey Burton/Narrator: And that was the movie Dragnet, this is the most hilarious version of the show and I agree, it's pretty funny. You have some great humor, hilarious one-liners, some of that PG-13 edge for a comedy. Dan Aykroyd's performance as Joe Friday is one of the best performances of all time and he definitely deserved an Academy Award nomination for his performance. You got some great action and comedy and the cast is hilarious. This movie feels like you're watching the TV show, only comical and it honors the source material. Now, THIS is how you do a movie adaptation based on a TV show. If you haven't seen Dragnet, then go watch it on Netflix. Yeah, they have it on Netflix. Just stop reading the review and go watch the movie now. Dragnet gets 4 P.A.G.A.N. cards out of 5.

"And that is all for tonight. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said before he leaves the office.

Corey Burton/Narrator: Uh... I'm still here.

Mayhem Critic Tagline- I knew it. It's Nightmare on Elm Street. And that would make him Freddy Krueger.

And that was the review of Dragnet for The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you think of the review? Also, what did you think of the movie Dragnet and what's your favorite movie based on a TV show? Mine would have to be Dragnet and The Fugitive. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's time to look at some of the intros from cartoons that we all grew up with. Some good, some bad and some that are just weird. Which ones should be remembered? We'll find out in Rating Cartoon Show Intros. If anyone wants to help out with the next chapter to talk about some cartoon show intros, feel free to let me know? Also, which cartoon show intro do you want me to talk about in the next chapter? After Rating Cartoon Show Intros, it's Halloween Havoc as Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). Feel free to review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If there's any movie you want me to review for Halloween Havoc VII, or if you're alright with the movies that I've picked, then feel free to let me know. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.